Last train to Fortune left here at 12:05.
No, you didn't get here till 12:15.
I know that, 'cause that's when I start closing up around here.
The next train to Fortune doesn't come here for another week.
Now, how you spend that time is your own business.
All I'm saying is that the gentleman that was kind enough
to transport me to this rail station outpost,
he assured me that the train to Fortune leaves at 1:05 PM.
- And he told you wrong. - What am I ever to do?
I simply must be in Fortune by Monday morning at the very latest.
Preston City is only about a mile back that way.
There's a livery there, and you can get a horse.
It's a two-day ride from Preston to Fortune.
You play your cards right,
you can be trotting in there about this time Sunday.
But I wouldn't let any grass grow under you. I'd get a move on.
The Wild West.
Well, gentlemen, ladies, we'd better rest for a few moments.
We have a long hot walk ahead of us.
Perhaps a few pages of Homer will reinvigorate and inspire us
for our own arduous odyssey ahead.
What the devil?
Oh, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear that was a bullet hole.
- Don't turn around. - It is a bullet hole!
- Good God. I'm being burgled. - I said don't turn around!
Just a mere reflex, sir. No, ill intent meant.
- Empty your pockets. - Oh, well, I don't have anything.
So yeah, please, sir. I am very ticklish.
Oh, no sir please, it's all the money I have. It's everything, God!
- Give me your valuables. - I only have my school ring here, here.
And the watch.
You don't want this old watch, surely sir,
it's worthless and the clasp is broken.
I only keep it for sentimental reasons. Belonged to my father.
It was passed down through the generations.
My dear departed father,
he was the most important person in the world to me
- and gentle and learned... - Shut up!
My father had that watch engraved for me
with his favorite inspirational quote.
What's in the bags?
Oh that, sir, I beg you, sir. You don't want what's in that bag.
It is, it's worthless. It's just, oh, no...
- Oh. Books?! - Yeah.
There ain't nothing in here but stupid books.
Yes. They're just stupid books. You're absolutely right.
- You a salesman? - No, sir. I'm a pedagogue.
A peda... what?
- An educator. - Huh?
- Sir? I'm a school master. - School. Screw school. Now. Move.
- Please, sir, you've got the watch... - I said shut up.
Oh, boots. No Levis. Just a bunch of pansy shit. Typical.
Yes. It's just my underwear, sir. You surely...
Now, if you know what's good for you,
you'll just keep sitting there till I'm clean out of here.
You understand old man?
I'll remain ever so still, you have my word.
I beg your pardon, sir. Sir, Sir!
If I may borrow just one more moment of your time.
Whoa!
- Great Scott, impressive aim, sir! - Don't try to butter me up.
Now you either ain't right in the head or you got a death wish.
Oh, well, believe me, under ordinary circumstances
I would never disobey such a decisive command. But alas I'm desperate.
And we all know what a Hippocrates said.
- Who? - You know Hyp... Anyway...
He said desperate times call for desperate measures.
No? Oh, well. No matter.
I'm merely stating that I would never be so brazen as tempt fate like this
if I wasn't such a desperate man.
You're about to be a dead man.
I should specify. I thought I was going to Fortune
and I unfortunately missed the last train.
And I must be in Fortune by Monday.
Hence, a teacher can't be late for the first day of school.
How about I offer you a business proposition?
- A what? - I mean, please forgive my presumption,
but it seems blatantly obvious that you are a man in need of funds.
I mean, you've already taken all I had on my person,
but I can offer you further compensation when we get to Fortune.
- When we get to Fortune? - Exactly. Yes.
You see, I'm the New School Master of Fortune.
I have a stipend waiting for me upon my arrival.
My first month's salary in full.
If you would escort me to Fortune in time for Monday morning's bell.
I will be ever so happy to pass it over to you.
- How much? - A month's pay.
For a mere two day trip to Fortune.
Do we have an agreement, sir?
Oh, Jesus. I'll be right there, sir.
Hello? Hello, sir.
Hey, you have an agreement. I won't be one snippet of trouble.
I make a superb traveling companion.
I have some wonderful books for the journey.
- I ain't got no interest in reading. - What?
Well, perhaps you're just not reading the right books.
I mean, you know, reading it's a gift. Challenges the imagination
and enables one to experience many lives and countless adventures.
I live out real adventures. I don't need to read about nobody else's.
You got a horse?
Well, well, um, that is part of the problem. You see?
Uh, I was going to take the train.
But I'd be very happy just to walk alongside yours.
You're in luck.
So I just happen to be passing right through Fortune.
Yes.
And if, and you want to walk all that way next to my horse,
I guess that's your business.
But if you breathe one word about me holding you up,
I'll blow your head off from them spindly shoulders.
Fear not. My lips are sealed.
I'm forever in your debt. Thank you so much.
I'm coming right behind you. Oh, look, Hang on, sir. God.
Hang on!
Let's go.
That is certainly some steed, sir.
It's all right. I've got this. I'm keeping up.
Look not to question your navigational prowess,
but wouldn't be a lot easier just to follow the railway lines.
We're taking a shortcut. Leave them behind.
- What do you mean leave them behind? - I said leave them.
- They're slowing us down. - Alright.
I can acquire new undergarments in Fortune,
yes, but my books, no, my books are irreplaceable, Sir.
I will never leave these books.
I mean, what is a teacher without books?
Well, you're going, no one's gonna give one dime about damn books.
I respectfully must agree to disagree.
My sole purpose of traveling from England to the New World
...was to teach the wide-eyed waifs of Fortune.
Hey, what are you doing now? I cannot allow you to take my books.
You, you can't do that, sir. You, you mustn't do that.
Please! I mean, everything that I'm is in these books, sir!
I must have them to teach. Please.
Oh, oh, wonderful idea.
Oh, thank you. Oh, yes, saddlebacks.
I wonder what they were for. Wonderful!
You are a very reasonable man, Mr...
I don't think I quite caught your name, mister...
Alright, I'll go first.
My name is Cecil Caldecott Peach Tree III from London, England.
- At your service, sir. And you are... - Dooley, Jedidiah Dooley.
But don't you never tell no one my name.
Yes. Mum's the word though. Mum's the word.
Mr. Dooley, clearly we English have been harboring a false impression
of your Americans.
I mean, the stories we hear about Lawless American West,
I mean clearly nonsense, erroneous.
In actuality you are a friendly and obliging lot.
Oh, we ain't all so friendly. Better mount up fast.
- I beg your pardon? - Get in the saddle quick.
- Do you know those two gentlemen? - Gentlemen they ain't.
Now move your ***. Hurry up, old man.
- Right, right, right. - Come on!
- Get your foot in the saddle. - I've never mounted a stallion before.
- Gimme a minute. - We ain't got a minute. Up!
- Wait a minute. This can't be right. - Come on!
Ouch! You're whipping me? Mr. Dooley. They catching up.
- Now they shooting at us. - Well, then duck, God damn it!
- Come on, lean to your left. - I feel sick.
Your other left. Come on!
- I mean, we lost them. - There we go. Bully! Jesus!
Watch where you're shooting that thing, idiot!
- You okay? - Oh, well, that was exciting.
Ah, yeah. They were. Yes.
What the hell are you doing facing that way for, turn your *** around.
- God dammit. - Whoa!
I've got cramp. Cramp. There you go.
Come on. Get your *** back up on here. Do it the right way this time.
Who, pray tell, were those hooligans? What could they possibly have wanted?
I mean, it seems to me
that they might have found a more civilized method
of handling the situation.
I mean, perhaps if we'd had a courteous conversation with them,
maybe they'd listen to reasons.
You're a teacher? Got a lot to learn, old man.
Well, this is certainly more than we'd bargained for.
We've already been abandoned on the rail depot,
held under gunpoint and chased and shot at by bandits.
Oh, if only father could see us now.
I dare say it gives one a certain feeling of exhilaration.
We, who's we?
Oh, why William Shakespeare, Alfred Lord Tennyson,
Charles ****ens, Henry David Thoreau, Jane Austen.
- Who? - The authors of my books.
They're like family to me. I mean, surely you've heard of some of them.
Nope. I ain't never heard of none of those names.
Oh, heavens. Triple negative. I think what you meant to say is,
I haven't ever heard of any of those names.
Hey, if, and you want this trip to go nice and smooth,
like never ever tell me what I mean again. Got it?!
Yes. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, of course. Force of professional habit.
I mean, I'll try. Yeah, I'll try my best.
- Try real hard, Huh? - Sorry, sorry.
Of course. You know, being an only child,
I didn't have the companionship of a sibling.
So I sought my refuge in books. The characters were so vivid to me.
I mean, I'm not suggesting that I was a lonely child.
Quite the contrary. My mother was a social butterfly.
The most wonderful dinners that she gave.
I met the most extraordinary people from all strata of society.
I remember wonderful dinner party she gave
and invited a very famous conductor, actually for dinner.
He passed wind. And we were giggling. We had to leave the room.
- Hey, hey, hey. - What?
Keep quiet. Stand up real slow, like...
- Whatever for? - Get up.
No sudden movements. Okay?
Don't wanna spook the man. Howdy!
Dear Lord! He's approaching us.
Just keep smiling at him. Let me do the talking.
Oh yeah. Wool tweed from London.
Nice wool.
Don't make a move.
- Okay. Stay still. - Good heavens. What does he want?
He'll let us know. Then he'll leave. Hopefully.
Oh, it's my books. He cannot have my books.
I wouldn't tell it him that.
Books you like, nice. Take your pick.
Oh, don't encourage him, Mr. Dooley.
- Keep your trap shut. - But he can't have them. I forbid it!
Don't listen to him, Chief. You take whatever you want.
Fine.
If you must have a book,
I suggest this one.
It's a seminal work.
What?
You can still read it, you just read around the hole.
No.
This you will like. Walden, Henry David Thoreau.
Yes, it's about a naturalist similar to yourself.
Now the book is a reflection
of simple living in natural surroundings. Perheps...
He can't understand you.
Thoreau?
I've read it.
You see Mr. Dooley reading unites cultures of around...
No, please.
You want my *******?
You got it, chief. All yours, buddy.
I'm afraid you won't like that one.
It's far too dense. Oh, it has too many characters.
Very hard to understand. No. Oh, for me?
- Take it. - Chief, please.
What is this?
That's too sour for my palate. Well, I'll have you note
that gentleman just walked off with the selected works of *******.
And for what? A small sack of sour berries.
Well, that's hardly a worthwhile exchange, in my opinion.
I'm totally grief stricken.
Oh, you're breaking my heart. Now move.
- This part reminds me of Whales. - The big fish?
No, the country of Whales.
You know, though, we mourn the loss of our beloved Charles *******,
at least we have William Shakespeare to enliven our spirits.
There's a certain civility one feels when traveling with The Old Bard.
- Wouldn't you agree? - Huh?
Would you care to read it? I mean, it's quite delicious.
The only delicious thing I want right now is some fricassee rabbit.
Let's see if we can't kill one before it gets too dark.
What? What do you mean kill? You mean dead?
You know my housekeeper, Mrs. Wilberforce, oh God.
She prepared all my meals. Oh, she was a saint.
Especially for a man not blessed with the wife of his own.
- He's a fat one. - Oh Lord, he's so cute.
Look, I'd be content with the chief's berries. You know, sours, they are.
- Watch out! - Jesus, look what you did!
- Oh, the poor little thing. - Get your *** back to the campsite.
Let me handle this without you breathing all down my damn neck.
Don't you have beans? I mean, old cowboys have beans.
- What? - Skin it!
What? I, I will do no such thing!
Well, maybe in merry old England, you eat rabbit different.
But out here, we skin 'em and cut out the guts before we cook 'em.
- I'm gonna get some firewood. - Honestly, Mr. Dooley,
I think I'd be far superior
at gathering firewood than at skinning prey.
Would it at all be possible to trade off?
I did the killing. Now you do the skinning.
God, oh dear.
My deepest apologies for the indignities
that you are about to suffer.
Finger licking good.
The larks on the wing,
the snails on the thorn, God is in heaven.
- All's right with the world. - Quit that Bible reading.
If I wanna hear God talk, I go to church.
I can't imagine you wanting to go to church all that often.
Shows what you know. My mama God rest her soul,
she used to drag me to church every Sunday
to beat the good Lord into her hell spawn.
Yeah, I hated it. But looking back now,
it's about the only good memories I got with her before she got sick.
I suppose you are right, though.
I ain't been to church in a coon's age,
but that don't mean I ain't right with God.
Me and him, we, we got an understanding. He gets me.
I'm sure he does. And by the way, for your information,
this is not the Bible. This is Robert Browning.
Not to be too presumptuous, but, um, I gather your education was limited.
The only learning one needs to know out here is how to shoot straight
and how to count your money.
You see, that's where I beg to differ. Mr. Dooley.
Practical knowledge of one's trade is of course certainly important.
But a broader education is the tool that breaks down all barriers.
Speaking of education, I've been wondering.
How come an educated fellow like you is going to Fortune?
I mean, it's just a spit buck in the middle of nowhere.
Well, sir, if truth be known. I was dismissed from my last post
for a gruesome display toward my superior.
- Wait, you was fired from teaching? - Regrettably and shamefully. Yes.
- What'd you do? Gruesome librarian? - I struck the headmaster.
You, you thumped the boss?
I mean, it feels, if it wasn't me at all, but some pagan,
some loathsome creature who overtook my senses.
- But alas, it was me. - So, what did you wallop the old geezer.
Well, I had a very bright pupil,
And he was reading an essay he'd written on the possibility
that we humans have descended from tiny microscopic organisms
- inspired by Darwin. You know. - Wait, who?
A rather iconoclastic biologist.
Nonetheless, he said, Darwin points out rather aptly
that perhaps man evolved from tiny one celled organisms
to his present state.
Well, much to our surprise, the headmaster was listening at the door.
And before we even had a chance to debate the topic,
he just burst into the room and screamed,
"How dare you blaspheme under this roof, you heathen?
God is the only creator of man."
And then he took the stick and started to beating poor Barnabas.
That's when the beast rose from within me.
I snatched the rod from him in a fit of uncontrollable rage
I struck the poor man across the head.
And I said to him, in a trembling tone,
"Sir, don't you ever strike one of my students ever again."
Holy shit! Good on you, boy.
Um, it was a momentary victory, I'm afraid.
After I was dismissed, I couldn't get a post anywhere in England.
So I decided that it was time to move to the New World.
But alas, my tarnished reputation had already preceded me
at all the finer American academies.
And it turns out I was unhireable here too.
It was then that I saw an advert in the Boston Gazette.
"The town of Fortune is looking for a teacher". So I wrote.
And they responded with a letter of acceptance.
End of one chapter, the beginning of another.
Why don't you just give up teaching and find another job?
Give up teaching? Never.
You see, Mr. Dooley, all I ever wanted to do was to teach.
Where I serve and to whom I now know is in the hands of a higher power.
Because teaching, I mean, it's not just a job, it's my calling.
And fate has now led me to answer that calling
in the tiny frontier town of Fortune.
You see the purpose of teaching,
it isn't just to force students to memorize facts and dates.
It's to inspire them.
To unlock that little door hidden deep within us all,
that gives us permission to dream...
dream of a better life ourselves.
And a better future for all.
I think back on all those wonderful teachers
who had such an impact on my life.
I'm forever grateful to them.
I so wish I'd said something to them
because now I know just how much that would've meant for them.
The greatest reward that a teacher can receive
is the knowledge that he's made a difference,
even if it's just one child's life.
Goodnight. Sweet Prince.
Get up princess. Time to ride. There's a little coffee left.
Oh, well thank you.
Don't gimme that look. I only gave you that blanket
'cause your teeth were chattering so loud
it sounded like you was rattling coins in a tin cup.
How else was I supposed to gimme sleep?
Well, thank you just the same.
- Do you happen to have any tea? - Don't like it. Good! More for me.
Okay. Whoa. Oh, ah.
Now get your *** moving. We got a lot of ground to cover today.
Do you have a shovel?
My goodness. You got us to Fortune a whole day early.
You're amazing. Mr. Dooley. Amazing!
Oh no. This ain't Fortune.
Fortune don't look this good, this Lobo. Now get off.
- I beg your pardon? - We ain't riding into town piggyback.
Oh, you get off right here.
- Hey, where will I find you? - Miss Lily's saloon.
And what about my books? Hey!
Jolly nice day for a walk!
I don't know what so jolly nice about it.
What? Hello!
Hey there, lads. Your rock hit me on the back of head.
- It was an accident. - Yes.
I surmised as much as a result it is incumbent on you to apologize to me.
- There's a what on me. - What?
Oh, uh, it, it's incumbent upon you.
Meaning it, it's a necessary duty for you to apologize.
- Come on, let's get outta here. - Oh, whoa. Wait, wait a minute.
Hold on there a moment. Do lads go to school?
Nope. Not no more.
What? You relinquished your studies at your ages?
Our teacher is dead.
Mr. Banks shot him, for calling his son in an idiot.
Hey.
That's a note. Don't call anyone's child an idiot.
Aces full of kings, Chip.
Four of a kind, twos.
God damn it! Desert Canery.
What's the rush, kid? Should try your luck at another hand.
Damn dammit, Cecil. Who creep up on a man like that.
You could get shot.
You just lost my father's beautiful watch in a card game.
No, my watch, Old man, mine.
And by the way, it's Cecil. We should be leaving now.
Oh, excuse me, sir. We should be...
Look what you did to my shirt. You're supposed to say, excuse me.
- I believe I did. Good, sir. - Yeah, I heard him say it.
Now let him go before I put a hole in that shirt next.
You know what I say when a young snot nose punk is tryin' to threaten me?
Huh?
Oh, who is this sweet old thing? Your grandpa?
- Him? No, he ain't my grandpa. - Your friend?
And he definitely ain't my friend.
Actually, we are traveling companions.
Traveling companions. He's kind of cute. Ain't he, Lil?
- Hello! - Ain't that a sexy number?
It's from France. It took six months to get here. You like it?
Like it? I love it.
I'm so glad you're staying this time, Dooley. You know what I wish?
I wish I could go to France someday and see Paris.
I just know I'd love it so.
Well, your wish is my command.
My baby wants to go to Paris. My baby gets to go to Paris.
Yeah. Right.
Wait, are you being serious?
- Serious as typhoid fever, baby. - Dooley, Dooley.
That would be the most wonderful thing anybody has ever...
Wait a minute. How can you afford to go to Paris?
You can barely afford a can of beans.
Oh, you just leave that to me.
I got some big ideas I'm working on.
Here I got you something to prove my intentions.
Close your eyes and put out your hands.
Okay, okay.
And open them.
What do you think?
Oh my God, Dooley. It is beautiful!
Dooley, hurry.
What the hell it's the matter with you? Can't you see he's delicate.
Son of a bitch!
You humored me earlier, but now you've done agitated my mood.
It makes you feel good to beat an old man?
Mr. Dooley. Let me just cover this gentleman's cleaning bill.
- Violence is never the answer. - Your old friend may be right.
He may be right, folks, let's let bygones be bygones.
That's one way to get your winnings back.
Sometimes, teach, violence is the only answer. Did you see all that?
I certainly did.
Howdy sheriff?
Buy you a drink?
Get up, Dooley. You got company.
You can only stay a minute.
You sure know how to get a guy in a mess of trouble, old man.
Oh, listen, I've got the most terrible migraine.
And by the way, if my memory serves,
it was you who insisted that I ingest that foul toxin.
Well, how was I supposed to know you had a gag button
like a rigged penny slot machine.
Another colorful idiom.
- What'd you call me? - The word is idiom,
a figurative, non-literal phrase.
Mr. Dooley, with your permission,
I intend to remove my property from your saddlebags
and find an alternative escort to Fortune.
Thank you for getting me this far.
Wait, wait. You can't trust no one from here to take you to Fortune.
This patch of dirt is all thieves and outlaws.
If I could just get out here, we could be on our way.
- Bust me out. - Good heavens! Absolutely not.
Do you want the sheriff to hear? Now listen. You can do this.
Never. I'm a principle man.
Well, what about that kid you were telling me about?
From, from one of them books. What was his name again?
Oliver Twixit.
Mr. Dooley I do believe you've been listening to me.
And you really amaze me. Of course you are referring to Oliver Twist.
Yeah, exactly. Didn't, didn't you say he busted out somewhere?
Ah, yes. Young master Twist breaks free of the arduous workhouse.
A harrowing escape. That's it.
A more apt example might be the count of Monte Cristo.
Now that's the pinnacle of prison novel.
- See... - That's entirely different.
I mean, pure fiction.
Look, I'm only in this cage 'cause I was sticking up for you.
Now how about you show a little appreciation and help me out.
Absolutely not.
Shut up!
- Oh God. - God Damn it, Dooley, shut up!
- Knock off all that racket. - You ain't help me? Call for doctor.
Quit your belly aching and sleep it off.
Jesus Christ!
That's blood! I'm gonna get the doc. You hang on!
Mr. Dooley.
- Is he gone? - Yes.
Got it handed to you, teach. Using those berries was a damn good idea.
He totally bought it.
Well, we've got the chief to thank for that.
That's right. Thanks Chief. Okay, now work fast.
- Keys. - Yes, keys. Come on. Go get 'em.
Go get 'em. That way.
- Over here. - Okay. Did you do like I said?
I did indeed, sir.
Good, let's move.
Oh my goodness. This reminds me of my eighth summer
when I ate all my mother's damson jam and blamed poor Thomas Wick.
Oh, I didn't confess. And he was paddled for it. Oh my goodness.
Sorry, mommy. Sorry, Tommy.
Come on. Get on that horse. Oh, Shit.
What you doing boy?
Get back here, you *******!
Don't make me shoot you, boy..
- Dooley! - Coming back for you, baby.
When I can afford to take you to Paris.
I'll be waiting, baby.
- Goodbye, Ma'am! - Bye bye, baby blues.
Hold! Huh?
What? Dooley!
If we head out at sun up,
we'll be pulling into Fortune just in time for Sunday supper.
How's that for service?
Miraculous. That'll give me an entire night to get settled and organized
before the 7:00 AM Monday morning bell.
You are indeed a man of your word, Mr. Dooley. Thank you.
You ever get tired of reading those same books over and over again?
No. Never.
You know, I still don't know
what's supposed to be so damn fun about reading.
It introduces you to new ideas, expands your knowledge.
Plus being educated opens up a whole new world of possibilities
with regard to one's future.
I'd wager with a decent education you'd be able to get a wonderful job.
- No, correction, career! - You think? What makes you so sure?
Thoreau said: "It's not what you look at. It's what you see."
I may be looking at a fearsome outlaw,
but what I see is a bright young man
with a brilliant future ahead of him if he wants it.
Now, look, I've selected a book for you. This is Gulliver's travels.
It's about an adventurer such as yourself,
but it's also a biting satire on politics and human nature
Alright. Read it to me.
Well, I really think you'd enjoy it more if you read it yourself.
I don't wanna read it myself. I just want to hear it.
- You know what? Just forget it. - Fair enough.
Mr. Dooley... Do you use that thing often?
My six-shooter? Often enough.
Tell me, have you actually shot a fellow human being with it?
You gotta be shitting me. Out here everyone shoots someone.
It's like the law of the jungle.
Wild animals killing wild animals. You know? There ain't no other way.
If I'm not being too bold... Just, how many have you killed?
- 19. - Oh God, 19?
One thing I could teach you, teach, the faster gun lives another day.
- Fascinating. - But I never killed no woman
or no young'un, you know?
And I never shot no man in the back.
- Well, bravo to that. - Here. Wanna try it?
- Shooting a pistol? - Yeah.
No. I, I don't think so.
Man. You went *** over elbows, got some kick, don't it?
See nothing to it. Come on you big sissy. Try again.
No, no, no. No more. No more. No. I know what I can't do anymore.
Oh, come on. You know what you are? An old fart.
- I beg your pardon? - That's right. A dusty old fart.
Comparing me to a foul wind from the bowels. What?
Because I refuse to partake in your silly little shooting customs.
Well, it's outrageous, sir. Outrageous.
Listen, teach. This is the wild west.
You gotta know how to shoot to survive.
I mean, you're, you're the one who taught me about Darwin
and all his survival of the fittest hoo-ha.
Well, whoever shoots best is the fittest in these parts.
Darwin... look, it's cowardly.
- Are you calling me a coward? - If it howls like a wolf...
A wolf? What in the hell God damn wolf have to do with anything?
- What, what are you talking about? - It's a metaphor.
Well, you wouldn't be calling me no coward.
If you'd have seen how I had to use this gun
to get myself out of a jam after jam.
I mean, you, you wouldn't believe half the shit I've seen.
Hell, they should be writing books about me for what I've been through.
And in fact, I bet if you were reading about my adventures
in some damn book, you'd be singing a whole different tune
about who's a coward or not.
You'd be, you'd be saying the character of Dooley
is a romantical hero of the American West.
Look, I was merely stating
that there are more civilized ways to settle disputes
than to hide behind guns.
Says the man who ain't never steered down the barrel of one.
Correction, I've stared down the barrel of yours
and did having my own gun save me from you?
No. No, no. All I had were my words.
Please. You was never in any real danger.
I'd have never shot an unarmed man. Even one as annoying as you.
Although now I'm starting to question that philosophy.
Mr. Dooley. All I'm saying is that guns are not the answer...
Wrong! No, guns are the only answer. There ain't no other way.
Have you ever heard of the expression "the pen is mightier than the sword"?
No, I ain't!
Well, It's mightier than the gun as well.
And I hope you absorbed that lesson before it's too late.
I really do. And it's: "No, I haven't" by the way.
I done told you never to correct me again!
And you done lost out on your blanket privileges. My blanket.
Good night then.
Beautiful stars.
- Don't move. - Snake. What a nice surprise.
Cut this shit.
Well, what's happening? Whoa. What the devil, what's going on?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Down, boy.
- What's the meaning of this? - Teach for once in your life, shut up.
Well, Dooley, it looks like we meet again.
- You know these men, Mr. Dooley? - Mr. Dooley. Ain't we sophisticated?
- Can I drop him now, Snake? - In a minute.
Snake. Oh, well what a colorful, albeit somewhat cliched nickname.
No, I mean, assuming that Snake is not your Christian name, of course.
God, here we go again.
- Christian, you are a preacher man? - No, I'm actually a teacher.
It's merely a term.
You know, one's Christian name is their given forename.
- My family name is Peachtree... - Stop!
...but my Christian name is Cecil Peachtree.
- Mr. Dooley's is Jedidiah. You see? - So his Christian name be Charlie.
Oh, Charlie. Uh, precisely.
Yeah. Gotcha. Hey Charlie. Huh? Kick this piece of shit over here to me.
- With pleasure. - No, no, no. Charlie. Hey.
- Ah. Oh no. Hey. - Snake, Snake. Come on Snake.
- No need to do that, Charlie. - Empty your pockets right now!
Okay. Empty your pockets. Do what he says.
Sorry. I only got a hanky.
What's an old fart like you doing riding with scum like him?
What is this country's fascination with farts?
Speak up.
Oh, well, you see, um, I was on my way to the town of Fortune.
Oh, please sir. Don't toy with Gulliver, please. No.
Anyway, quite by accident,
I missed the last train and that's when kind Mr. Dooley
agreed to escort me to the town of Fortune.
At least don't, don't mess with Gulliver. No! Oh, no. Gulliver! No, please!
So he's kind Mr. Dooley is he?
Travel on, sweet Gulliver.
So, did kind Mr. Dooley agree to escort you to Fortune
before or after he robbed you?
Well, that's neither here nor there.
But sir, I simply must protest. Burning books is a sin.
So is stealing. It looks like you and us got something in common.
We all been swindled by kind Mr. Dooley here.
Looks like he stole all your money and your belongings
- just like he stole our horse. - Your horse? Mr. Dooley!
I trusted you.
I take you in. You didn't have nothing.
You eat my food, drank my whiskey.
I took you under my wing and trained you.
I treated you like the son I never had. What do I get in return?
What's my thanks? A stab in the back. Look at me, coward!
"Et tu Brute".
What?
"Et tu Brute", it's a Latin phrase made infamous...
when Julius Caesar recognized his trusted friend Brutus
as one of his assassins. It's the most legendary betrayal.
You may recognize the phrase from the Shakespeare play.
You know, uh, Julius Caesar, I was reminded of it when you said that.
- Shut... - Shut up!
Alright, shutting up.
But just one thing, if I may, just one more thing.
You see, I've gotten to know Mr. Dooley fairly well
over our time together.
And I find him to be a man of absolute integrity.
So I'm certain if he stole your horse,
he had a very good reason in doing so.
And, and you all know what Hippocrates said.
He don't know now. Now, will you shut?!
Of course I do. What do I look like an idiot?
"Desperate times calls for desperate shit".
Wow. Wow. Oh yes, Mr. Snake.
Excellent. Very good. Almost.
And I'm sure Mr. Dooley was in very desperate straits indeed.
When he made the ill conceived decision to abscond with your horse.
Now as one learned man to another.
I've got the perfect solution to our little dilemma.
Why don't you just take your beautiful horse back
and all the cash for your troubles and go on your merry way.
- No harm, no foul. - Just like that?
Just like that.
Well, it sounds kind of nice and civilized.
You see, Mr. Dooley, when cool heads prevail...
There's one problem. If we do it like you say,
I won't get the satisfaction of seeing kind Mr. Dooley's brain
splattered against that rock right there.
Now watch and learn teacher, 'cause you're next.
- I'll see you soon, mama. - No. Oh, no. No. Oh, no!
- Leave his books alone. - Oh, no, no!!
Dooley, behind you!
Mr. Dooley... Mr. Dooley.
Oh, no. Mr. Do.. Mr. Dooley, Mr. Dooley.
Oh my God! Mr. Dooley!
No, oh Lord, oh no, forgive me. It was all my fault. Oh God, I do apologize.
Oh Lord, forgive me!
Out, out, brief candle.
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player.
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
and then is heard no more...
It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury.
Signifying nothing.
Mr. Dooley. Praise the Lord. You are alive. Thank goodness!
- Are you alright? - Yeah. Yeah. Get off of me.
Alright.
- Oh, God, oh! - Be careful...
Don't put any weight on it. Mr. Dooley, sir.
Is he is... is he, he dead?
- Yeah. It would appear so. - Check, Make sure.
Mr. Dooley, I suppose his companion Charlie is run off.
He's got a hole in his forehead, the size of a gold sovereign.
Oh, no, no.
Well, I guess this makes number 20 for you.
Now look, we must regain our focus.
I really must attend to your wounds, sir.
Oh my God! It's gone right through. Oh, no help!
Who the hell are you yelling for?
We must get you to a physician, Mr. Dooley.
You just need to heat up a blade,
and singe the holes and wrap it up real tight.
I can't believe he's really, he's...
he's really dead?
You, you... you crazy old fool. This is all your fault.
You couldn't keep quiet, could you?
I could handle this situation like I always done...
... but no, you and your damn talking, and your damn books.
I shoulda let those books burn.
But no, you had me all convinced it was so important...
He'd still be alive right now if it wasn't for you.
All they wanted was their damn horse back.
Begging the gentleman's pardon.
But it would appear that they wanted a little more
than just their horse back. I mean, Mr. Snake,
he didn't seem to be satisfied with anything
other than our brains splattered all over this rock.
Bullshit. You don't know nothing old man.
I've been in a million jams like this before.
A million times when it seemed like it was curtains.
And I got out of it every time without never having to kill nobody.
Oh, my... Mr. Dooley. You've never killed anyone before. Have you?
Shut up.
Certainly nothing to be ashamed of, sir.
Whatever you are feeling is entirely normal.
I mean, taking a human life is very profound.
And I'm so sorry that my singular preoccupation over my books
created this chain reaction that led to a man to lose his life.
And for this, I'm truly repentant. But you were right, you know?
Circumstances as they presented themselves required decisive action.
I mean, never in a million years would've I expected myself
to shoot at another human being. I mean, and yet here we are.
I could have talked our way out of here.
Impossible. No, you did the only thing, that could been done
to save our lives. And you fought valiantly, sir.
You, you risked your life and saved our very souls.
Don't feel nothing like I thought it would...
killing a man.
Even though, even though he lived the life of a villain,
and even though he definitely had it coming.
Somehow... being the one who done did him in...
it just, just feels wrong.
It's all right. It's because you are a compassionate man.
So a man of introspection, that's an admirable trait.
But please remember it was self-defense.
- I mean, you said so. - I said a lot of things.
I guess you were right, teach...
- Killing is for cowards. - No, not at all. Mr. Dooley.
It was very brave what you did. You saved us all.
And these voices and these books will now be heard.
They'll be allowed to inspire new generations.
No telling the benefits of this new land will get from that.
And that's because of you. And I speak on behalf of everyone here:
Mr. Shakespeare, Mr. Keats, Mr. Melville, the Brontes.
I speak for them all. And I say a heartfelt thank you!
Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
He leadeth me beside still waters. He restoreth my soul.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
and I shall dwell in the house of the lord forever. Amen.
Amen.
Wait, where do you think you're going?
- The Fortune. Where the hell else? - In your condition?
No, no, no. That's impossible. You must rest here.
I'll go and summon help from somewhere.
Bullshit. I promised I'd get you to Fortune
in time for tomorrow morning's bell.
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
You don't think after all this I'd let you off from agreement? Do ya?
- Well... - Without my money?
Yes, of course.
Listen, if we're gonna make it there in time without having a horse,
we're gonna have to walk all damn day and straight through the night.
You think you can handle that old man?
- I believe I can. - Good.
Well, let's get one thing straight from here on out,
it'll be no more talking. Okay?
Understand? Now that I killed one man,
making it two, don't make no difference.
Understood. But at least let me carry the books.
You'll slow us down.
You are the one who's been shot in the leg.
Mr. Dooley...
Right on time, Mr. Dooley. You are indeed a man of your word.
I can't thank you enough. And now, uh, about our business arrangements.
I'm certain that by this evening,
all pertinent paperwork will be signed
and I'll be able to settle my debt with you.
And I ain't staying around till this evening.
You didn't think I'd be hanging around this shithole
any longer than I needed to? Did you?
No. I suppose not. No. But the money, sir.
It surely it won't be released until...
- Ah, keep your damn money. - What? Mr. Dooley?
That's, that's very generous of you. But unthinkable.
- No, a bargain is a bargain. - It is your money for your new job.
- I'll be fine without it. - But what are you going to do now?
Don't matter.
Well, I'm sorry, but it matters to me.
Teach, the quicker you just forget about me, the better. All right?
I mean, ain't you figured it out yet? I'm bad news.
Some folks is... It's just this, it's just, just born this way.
- Mr. Dooley, you have a heart of gold. - Don't start using them twisty words
to try and convince me that it ain't true.
I know what I am, but don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
I always am.
At least take this... for your journey. Please.
Teach...
I can't read.
I know that.
But this is for when you can.
Well...
Thanks.
Now go teach them kids. Give 'em a future and all that.
Thank you... Mr. Dooley.
So last week we covered the Louisiana purchase,
which was when the territory of Louisiana
was purchased by the United States from the French.
And that was when?
Anybody.
Anybody?
1803. Okay.
But today we're gonna talk about when two very special gentlemen
were hired to explore that new territory.
Their names were Meriwether Lewis and William Clark.
And their mission was called "The Corps of Discovery Expedition".
Greetings, Madam!
Out! Go away! There's no panhandling in here.
Quick children hide under your desk.
I beg your pardon, Ma'am. But you see, I'm...
A bum and a drunk
and I will not have you corrupt his sacred house of learning.
Ethan, please jump out that window and run and fetch the Sheriff. Hurry!
- Yes, Ma'am. - No, No, no.
That won't be necessary. You see Madam...
- I'm the new school master. - Don't be ridiculous.
- The new school master is Mr. Cecil... - Peachtree.
Cecil Peachtree, London, England, at your service Madam.
Oh yes. I know. I must look quite a fright,
but it's been the most exhausting and unusual journey
to get here in time for this morning's bell.
But me and the other ladies from the cultural community center,
we were to pick up Mr. Peachtree on Friday,
and we waited for him on the train platform.
Yes. well, about that. You see, I unfortunately missed the last train,
and I ended up taking the more scenic route.
But listen, I did bring some of my wares with me.
Well, they're a little singed around the edges. Ah, oh good.
But I think yes, they're not too worse for wear.
It's you, it's really you.
Mr. Peachtree, I am Miss Eloise Maybel.
And on behalf of the Ladies School Committee...
I want to welcome you to the City of Fortune.
Children, Children, let's give Mr. Peachtree a warm welcome.
- Hello Mr. Peachtree. - Oh, hello everyone. Good morning.
I can't tell you how happy I am to have finally arrived, in one piece.
Oh, you must be positively dog tired.
Shall we get you situated and you can begin your lessons tomorrow?
Oh, heavens no. No. I could be situated any time.
But with your permission, I think I would just like to dive in.
- Oh, yes. Okay. - Thank you.
I'll just run over to, Ms. Annie's boarding house
and I'll get your room freshened up
and ready for when you're done for the day.
- Splendid. Thank you, Miss Mabel. - Thank you, Mr. Peachtree.
Well, let's start again, shall we?
Now I'd like to start off by telling you about my greatest passion,
it's reading.
You know, books, books can take us anywhere,
on any adventure
in any era... be it the past, the present, or far, far...
Jedidiah Dooley... Here!