[marching band music]
[sniffing]
[dog barks]
[narrator] Once upon a time,
in the far away magical land of South London,
in a simple age, when a **** belonged to a man
and a **** was married to a woman
that sat in the pub all day talking absolute bollocks,
there was a little boy called Jack.
The very first word Jack ever spoke was...
C-C-Cocaine.
An ambitious child,
Jack already knew what he wanted out of life.
What would you like to do when you grow up, David?
Put a stop to world famine, sir.
[teacher] What about you, Sarah?
Invent something amazing, sir.
-[teacher] What about you, Jack? -Drugs, sir. And **** Sarah.
Jack knew that being academic
was about as useful as a dildo in a nunnery.
Round the flats, a different type of education mattered.
**** are you staring at, you Jils?
This was Jack's university.
Happily, he graduated with venereal disease
and a criminal record.
And it was here he met Dani, the love of his life.
Jack and Dani, you've got to admit, it's got a ring to it.
Their love burned so brightly
that Dani even gave up on her dream of art college
and settled into a life of domestic bliss.
She laid down her paint brush and picked up the laundry.
And on the day their son JJ was conceived,
Dani scored over 100,000 on some generic mobile game
For a while, they were just like any other normal family,
but Jack had one little niggling problem.
For 60 quid, you can buy an electric kettle from Argos,
or a day-glo collar for an XL bully.
but being a ****ie-sniffing **** was way more fun.
While most men took their sons to football,
ate Ginsters pies and reminisced about Coldplay gigs,
Jack slipped off with his old muckers,
Vinny, Roger and Deano,
where they sniffed phenomenal amounts of cocaine
and enjoyed their favourite pastime, fighting.
Come on then, you ****ing two-bob ****s,
I'll do the lot of ya.
[fighting grunts]
But what became of poor Jack?
After years of sniffing ****ie and casual violence,
with the morals of a pikey,
surely he would redeem himself
and find his true place in society?
[♪ "Baggy Trousers" by Madness]
[lullaby music plays]
[♪ "Baggy Trousers" resumes]
Let's do this bunch of ****s.
[all cheer]
[yells] Come on!
[lullaby music plays]
Oi!
I thought you ****ing died on us.
[Jack] Vinny's wife threw him out
when she caught him with a Brazilian tranny in Whitstable.
He only sees his kids through a contact centre,
but he's too ashamed to admit it, so he lies
and says the missus has taken them to Center Parcs.
Here you are. You've been ****in' spark out
since we left London.
[Jack] Deano got his first bit of bird
when off his nut on ketamine.
He stole a thousand pairs of Loro Piana mittens
and tried to sell them at the local thalidomide centre.
Liven yourself up, silly bollocks,
we're nearly in Grimsby.
[Jack] Maybe not the brightest,
Roger thought Canvey Island was in the Bahamas,
and was blown away by EasyJet.
He once flew to Helsinki, then come straight home
just to experience speedy boarding.
[♪ "Baggy Trousers" resumes]
That's better. I feel brand new.
If you wanna avoid wannabe ****s in snide Moncler jackets
that fancy themselves as football thugs,
over-policed stadiums,
and tickets that cost more then a gram of ****ie...
then the lower leagues are for you.
But be warned, this sport is only for the truly committed.
[indistinct shouting]
**** me, they're mob-handed.
[shouting]
Come on! Come on!
[Jack] No one run. Stay together. Let's do these ****s.
Do not run.
[indistinct shouting]
Here we go! Come on, Grimsby.
[♪ keyboard version of "Symphony No.9" by Beethoven]
[commentator] Well, we are in for a treat today.
Two great firms, bitter rivals and sworn enemies
meeting in the bombed-out streets of Grimsby.
And as the firms advance towards each other,
it's great to see Grimsby with such a tidy looking mob.
These flash ****ney wankers
won't know what's ****ing hit them.
Oh, that's a lovely effort from Grimsby.
Deano's gone over like a granny on ice.
Doesn't look like VAR will be needed in this instance.
Oh, that's terrific from Roger the Dodger.
Right round the ****ing cannister with a beer bottle.
That will require a few stitches, I'd imagine.
Oh, that's a shocking display from the mouthy **** Vinny
in the CP duffle coat.
Since when was pepper spray in the fair-play rule book?
Stone the crows, he's only going again.
Jesus, these ****-er-neys are really ruthless ****s.
What a screamer from Jack Jones!
That's worth a look from another angle.
And there it is, a peach of a shot.
Despite the fact he's losing his hair,
and got erectile dysfunction.
Oh, my word! He's only gone and nutted the ****.
And that's what I call entertainment.
[police sirens]
[indistinct shouting]
[Jack] It's all fun and games. The sheer indulgence of it.
The drinking and eating and fighting and ****ing.
Until one day, you wake up and realise
you've done nothing with your life.
Everything you ever had, all your hopes and dreams
have come to absolutely **** all.
[judge] Fighting at football. Possession of cocaine.
At your age?
Don't you feel the slightest bit embarrassed?
Dreadfully embarrassed, mate.
-Your Honour. -Your Honour.
I swear, if he don't send me to prison,
I'll give him a blow job.
I'm gonna give you a chance, Jones.
I take that back. Nose job.
But you need to prove to me
why I shouldn't give you a custodial sentence,
and you need to convince me
your liberty is worth fighting for.
You'll be bound over for six weeks.
Now, you stated the reason for your violent activity
and drug use is financial and marital difficulties.
Well, I'm gonna make it a legal requirement
that you attend couples therapy.
As well as finding yourself some gainful employment.
Your freedom rests in your ability
to pull yourself together over the next six weeks.
Your probation officer will report to me.
Mess him around, and it's prison for you.
Do we understand each other?
Yes.
Stage fright?
You mean you're dyslexic?
No biggie. Just ask.
[Jack] Ta.
I'll help you, if you help me.
-I'm gonna try. -Good.
-I'm gonna try. -It's worth taking it seriously
cos life only pities the young.
It isn't so kind to middle-aged ****-ups.
So what's your relationship with drugs like?
Stronger than my marriage.
How often do you do it?
I get the odd wank at Christmas.
I meant drugs.
Oh. [chuckles]
We're still in love.
You think it's a joke?
A box-ticking exercise? You're 45 years old.
You haven't got time to spend the next five years inside.
You think your wife will wait for you?
I wouldn't bet on it.
You've got six weeks to turn your life around.
Now, do you wanna know how probation works?
[cheering]
You lucky ****! I thought you was getting five. Sweet?
I was planning on having a trade with your missus.
-**** off. -How you wound up
getting bound over's beyond me. What a touch.
-[Vinny] I'll get 'em in. Deano? -Lager.
- [Vinny] Rog? -Lager, Vin.
Jackie boy?
I'll just have a pear juice, I think.
[room falls silent]
No, you won't. You'll have a ****ing lager, you weirdo.
[sniffing]
What's he say then, your PO?
-I gotta go therapy. -What for?
Brush up on my driving skills.
Have a go on that.
-****ing get on with it then. -Give us it.
[Jack] You know you loved each other once.
There was a time when she laughed at everything you said,
no matter how ****ing stupid.
And you wore her legs round your face like a scarf.
But that was years ago.
And eventually, even those who love you the most
get tired of you acting like a backwards ****.
Well, thank God you didn't go to prison.
[JJ] Mum said she would have run off with another man
if you went to jail, one with money and a sense of humour.
Too right I will, if you don't liven yourself up.
Dan, what's happening, babe? What you having?
It's ****ing light outside, Vin. I'll have a tea.
Come on, babe, drop the act. We're on it!
Shouldn't you be at home with Lucy and the kids?
Nah, she's taken the kids to that Center Parcs gaff
for the weekend. Anyway, **** that!
-We're celebrating. -Celebrating what?
He's been given six weeks to sort his ****ing life out.
[laughs]
[chanting] You're just a ****ing wanker!
[Dani] Oi, dinlo. Come here.
-You scared me. -I know, babe. Me an' all.
**** prison.
-Tell me you're done with it. -Yeah, course I am.
Let's go and have a roast with your old man.
No. I said, tell me you're done with it.
All of it. The sniffing. The football.
Right. Start by emptying your pockets.
[chuckles] What, are you Old Bill?
-Don't you trust me? -Take a wild guess.
All right.
Here you are. Here you are.
You know I won't nag you, Jack.
But I won't suffer you either.
If I had cocaine on me,
it wouldn't be in me ****ing pocket.
What did the judge say?
Just gotta keep me nose clean.
Was he having a ****ing laugh or what? You? [sniffs]
No, but seriously though, kid,
you've got to sort yourself out, you know that, don't ya?
I mean, look at ya. When you married my daughter,
you took a vow to take care of her.
But look at you now, living in one of my gaffs rent free,
and my little Dani don't know if her husband's coming home
in the next couple of weeks.
If she leaves you, Jack, then so does my charity.
And how long
am I supposed to keep paying for your son's education, eh?
Well, it weren't my idea to send JJ to private school.
He's my blood, Jack. Forgive me for caring.
Trying to give him a leg up, little start in life.
I know. I appreciate it.
Ron, any chance you can get me
on one of your scaffolding teams?
Cos I've got to prove I'm working.
That's a young man's game, that.
I've got no room for messers.
You've got to be fit.
I just need a job. I'll do anything.
[Ron] Yeah?
Well, start by carving this ****ing bird up.
I've got stuffing to make.
Success didn't ruin my father-in-law.
He's always been a ****.
[panpipes version of "Love Is All Around" plays]
Look, Granddad. I've got a hard-on.
[music stops]
Babe, you can't say that at the table. OK?
I need a word. Now.
See? Private school's doing him the world of good.
Listen.
I might have a bit of graft for ya.
My Kenny Boy's coming home. Needs someone to look after him.
Me look after Kenny Boy?
He's been in a health farm.
I've got a lot on my plate, Ron.
He's your wife's brother, Jack.
Half-brother.
What ****ing difference does it make, eh?
You said you wanted a job, didn't ya?
Look, I know you're struggling, yeah? I just wanna help.
Here's a bit of readies.
Take this to be getting on with.
Do something nice. Take him to the fair or something.
The fair?
He's twenty-****ing-five, Ron.
We'll look like a pair of bacons.
Come on.
Not quite the health farm Ron had in mind.
He was thinking ice baths and reiki.
This gaff's method is Thorazine
and repeats of Escape to the Country.
Still, as long as he's had his volts, he'll be raring to go.
[gate buzzes open]
Kenny Boy. How are you, mate?
Sweet, mate. I never thought I'd get out.
Gaff's full of Fraggles. Gotta love the NHS, though.
Some ****ing junior doctor's charged me up like a Tesla.
What's the prognosis?
BPD, GAD, OCD,
PTSD, SAD and DPDD.
Apart from that, I'm fine.
Ha-ha. Only joking. I'm just bipolar.
-Come here, Jack, I missed ya. -[chuckles]
[♪ "Swan Lake" by Tchaikovsky]
What are you doing? Can't be healthy.
Sweet, mate, they're organic.
Just saying, slow down. You'll go mad.
Don't worry. I'm already mad. [laughs]
[continues laughing]
I'm only joking.
[exhales]
I feel reem.
I do need to make a pitstop, though.
I can't, I've got to go to therapy with Dani.
Therapy with my sister? ****ing hell.
Everyone knows your marriage is already ****ed, mate.
Just accept it and pull over.
It's a ****ing court order, Kenny Boy.
[♪ "Angels" by Robbie Williams]
Sweet, mate. I'll only be a minute.
He drops off the bag,
leaving the two young gazelles to serve up.
At the same time, leaving them vulnerable
to leopard attack.
What the **** are you talking about?
Crank.
Numbed out on clozapine and asenapine,
Kenny Boy was about as in touch with his feelings as the Tories,
so he reverted to getting his kicks from...
[grunts]
[♪ "Angels" continues]
[Kenny Boy laughs]
The good thing about robbing drug dealers,
if you're game enough, is they can't go crying to the police.
The bad thing about robbing drug dealers
is they'll do anything,
and I mean ****ing anything, to save face.
Don't say I didn't warn you, Kenny Boy.
[♪ "Angels" continues]
[indistinct]
[clock ticks]
I'd be happy for you to take the session for yourself, Dani.
No, I don't want to sit here
moaning about that prick for an hour.
Why not?
You know what spins my nut?
He had so much ****ing potential.
[therapist] What about you?
It's OK.
You don't need to tell me anything if you're not ready.
I wanted to go to art college.
He said I could draw about as well
as Stephen Hawking, cheeky ****.
Have you ever thought about trying again?
Art college, I mean?
I wonder how that might feel, to do something for yourself.
Just something to consider.
Have probation suggested couples workshops?
I'd imagine he'd rather give his cocaine to the homeless.
Well, they can be really transformative.
And remember, if he doesn't attend,
the court will hear about it.
He's a wanker, but he's trying.
[laughs]
Oh, Komodo dragon, my favourite.
Here, have that, you pair of ****s.
[laughs]
Have your Komodo dragon.
Here you are, here's four giraffes.
[Kenny Boy laughs]
Health farm did him a lot of good, then!
He's ****ing doolally, Rog.
I gotta make sure he stays out of trouble.
Funny place to bring him, Jack.
Everyone's washed their hands of him. Poor kid.
This way, I can keep my eye on him.
Ain't you supposed to be going to therapy?
I'm sweet, mate.
I've not had a booze or a sniff in a week.
Proud of you, mush.
**** are you staring at?
I'm watching your back, you little mug.
You look like a bacon lurking outside a primary school.
[laughter]
[man] ****ing bacon!
Pipe down, you.
Right, I'm going khazi. Come out the way.
-How much are you buying? -Hold tight.
I'm not sure that's a good idea, Ken.
Oh, **** him, he's a ****ing boring **** anyway.
**** him, he's a Jils anyway.
I know. I know. I shouldn't be here.
But at least my mates have got my back.
How, uh, how are you getting on with the missus?
She's doing my ****ing swede, mate.
I told her, "Take the kids to Center Parcs for the weekend,
I'm going Tranmere." She goes, "Tranmere?"
"Sounds like a ****ing highly flammable fabric."
[Kenny Boy laughs]
I said, "I couldn't give a ****, love. I'm out."
And when I say out, I mean out out.
She goes, "What about the kids' bedtime story?"
I goes, "It'll be a good morning story if I'm lucky."
"I'm gonna get ****ing spangled."
You all right, Jack?
You look like you've got the horrors.
Naughty bit of orange juice, this, Ken. ****.
[Kenny Boy laughs]
[Jack] Tranmere, the only place in the UK
that still looks like an Eastern Bloc country from the '80s.
The poorer cousins of Liverpool, if you can imagine such a place.
Population of around 200,000,
most of them on smack or mobility scooters.
But still, they got a good firm,
as Vinny is about to find out.
You can pretend that we don't exist,
put us in England's bin of undesirables,
but like a fatal car crash, you can't help but watch us
from the safety of your own vehicles.
Get on that.
Vin!
-Come on then. -Come on then!
-You ****ing want it or what? -[shouting]
[glass breaks]
Get these ****ers! Come on!
I'm going to ****ing kill you, you ****!
You are ****ing dead!
****ing mad.
[indistinct whispering voices]
[female voice] Welcome to London Bathrooms.
Please ensure you keep the premises clean at all times.
And most importantly,
enjoy your stay.
Enjoy your stay?
This gaff's barely fit for homeless smackheads.
Jack. Sniff that ****ie
and there's no telling where you'll land.
Don't worry. I know what I'm doing.
Do you really?
Open this can of worms and you may never come back.
-Listen, love, I'm sweet. -Are you?
Mid-40s with a belly hanging over your jeans,
a tiny **** and six weeks to sort your life out?
Yeah? At least I'm not the one stuck in a ****ing toilet.
Aren't you? [echoes]
Yeah, all right.
Things ain't going too well for me at the moment.
Me neither.
I used to have something about me.
I used to work in the lift at the Hilton, Park Lane.
I'm just a stain on society.
No one wants my type around anymore.
My optics are all wrong.
And no one will care if I'm gone.
**** it. You're probably right.
I mean, look at the state of you, you two-bob ****.
[sniffs]
[bird sings]
[man] Do you think he's OK?
He looks dead.
Chance'd be a fine thing.
Do you know him?
Christ. I'm sorry. Is there anything that I can do?
Hmm. Kill him and marry me.
It was a joke, mate.
Sort of.
-Oi. Oi! -[kicks doorframe]
-Dinlo. All right? -What's the time, babe?
Oh, morning, darling, it's, uh,
just coming up to you're an absolute **** o'clock.
****.
[Dani] ****'s sake.
Probation have got me a job interview today.
I ain't going to tell you to change, Jack,
cos I can't bear the disappointment.
But I can tell you
you won't be coming home to a warm bed for much longer.
Wish me luck.
I'd sooner Harvey Weinstein tried to **** me.
I'm gonna make her proud.
No more ****ie, no more booze, no more fighting.
It's all behind me.
I know I can become a productive member of society.
You just watch me go.
What can I get you?
[soft music playing]
[exhales]
[woman laughing]
So, what you been up to before this, matey?
Bit of ****ie, couple of pingers, dab of K,
some Valium washed down with lager.
But no brown.
So, why Ledge magazine, Jase?
Jack.
Sorry, matey, I had a massive night.
I just need a job, I don't care what I do.
Want to feign interest in worthy causes,
overshare your life on Instagram
and vilify people from privileged backgrounds?
I'm only joking. [laughs]
No, I've got the perfect opening for you.
Like this brogue,
each of you sees and feels the world...
in a unique way.
Your own interpretation.
And that's what I'm looking for.
And just a reminder about our show coming up
where we invite friends and family to critique our work.
I bet the idea of judgement fills you all with dread.
Well, better get used to it.
Now, I want you to pick a theme.
Movement or love.
Interpret it however you wish.
And remember, the toughest thing in art,
much like in life,
is to be your authentic self.
Find your voice.
Right. Ten-minute coffee break for those of you that smoke.
Though I'm not sure anyone does anymore.
I'm a ghost. They don't even know I'm here.
And why should they?
I'm just a fat **** serving muffins
with nothing to crow about apart from eczema
and a few convictions.
I should be ashamed, yet I feel superior,
like I'm above these little millennial...
-[bangs counter] -Yo. Pain au chocolat, cuz.
-How about a please, cuz? -How about a pain au chocolat?
Uh, tongs.
That's it.
Safe, cuz.
****ing old boy over here piped up.
Did he?
Yeah, he's got a bit of an attitude, you know?
Getting a right zig
cleaning up after these snowflake shit ****s.
Next one that gets lemon is gonna get stretched out.
Know the feeling, mate.
So what brings you here, Jack?
Always wanted to serve entitled children.
Oh, yeah?
-Desperation. -Hmm!
Try six months in this gaff.
It's spinning my nut, mush.
Why do I feel completely ****ing irrelevant?
Cos you are. We both are.
There's a new world sailing past us
and we're merely spectators.
On the government's least-wanted list.
Not just white people, you know? Huh?
Here y'are.
What's up, my negro?
You know what?
I ain't nobody's negro.
Here we go, look who it is.
-I am no one's ****ing negro! -[shouting]
Come on!
[shouting continues]
Right, enough! Get off him!
[panting]
[sirens wail]
I was meaning to hand my notice in anyway.
I appreciate your help, though.
Ooh! My negro.
I'm out of here. Before the Babylon men show up.
[twinkling sounds]
Spare some change, please, mate.
I promise I'm not on drugs.
You sure?
Well, maybe just a little dabble.
Fill your boots.
Oh, I ****ing love you!
[indistinct chatter]
I think I'll choose love,
just cos my mind goes blank when I think about movement.
Doesn't have to be literal. Could be a soul, a feeling.
Could mean immigration. Movement of people.
I find that a bit obvious, if I'm honest, Vaughn.
Just cos it's more topical than love.
Got a class WhatsApp group
if you want to stick yourself on it.
Just to stay connected.
Sometimes we all meet up, go to a gallery.
Just talk rubbish.
I'm not sure you'd get me to a gallery
but I'm good at talking rubbish.
Well...
Better get back in.
The youth will gossip.
[phone pings]
[♪ "China in Your Hand" by T'Pau]
[barman] You all right, Jack?
Cor, **** me. You look like you've had a bit of agg, mate.
What you drinking? Lager?
Spirits?
Or something with a little more oomph?
There you are.
Oh.
Get on that.
There's enough in there
to get Keith Richards on the ****ing dance floor.
Go on, take your pick.
-Oh. -[door opens]
Bit old for CP Company, aren't you, lad?
Oh, what, this? It was a present.
I wouldn't buy this, mate. I'm in me forties.
What team do you support?
I'm not into football. You?
Tranmere.
Long way from home.
Looking for someone. Was told we might find him in here.
Eye for an eye, and all that, innit?
This your local, lad?
Nah, I'm just grafting round here.
-I'm from Woking. -[laughter]
****ing Woking, lad? That where all the woke people are from?
[chuckles] That's hilarious.
[barman] Anyway, thanks for the quote, mate.
If we need any new barrels, I'll, uh... I'll get in touch.
Lovely.
-All right, what you drinking? -Five lagers, please, mate.
Kenny Boy, don't go near the Fox.
I'm coming round to see ya
Kenny Boy, answer the ****ing phone, for ****'s sake.
Kenny Boy!
Kenny and Buzz, Kenny and Buzz...
****in' done? ****!
Buzz Aldrin on the moon.
You need to get him to go to the moon, Kenny.
You all right, boy? Eh?
Come here. Come here.
Come on, come here. That's... Come here, that's it, mate.
Right, here you are. Eat these.
Here you are, come here. That's it.
That's it, eat that. Eat 'em.
Kenny and Buzz. Kenny and Buzz. Kenny and Buzz.
Don't you worry. I'm here for you.
I ain't gonna leave ya.
-Breathe. Breathe. -[phone buzzes]
[♪ "Miracle" by Adriatique and WhoMadeWho]
[Roger] Jack, I love you,
but I ain't got a ****ing clue what you're talking about, mate.
He was laying on the ****ing penny having a fit
when I got round there, the poor ****.
-He's proper ill. -Who?
-Kenny Boy. -Yeah? Got a note on ya?
I only flew round there cos the Tranmere lot,
they was up the Fox looking for him.
He's opened up one of their boys bad, mate.
[coughs] **** me, my mouth's dryer than a nun's muff.
Hold tight, I'm going to the john.
Deano, get your nose in the trough, mush.
[indistinct arguing]
You? ****ie?
No, I'm sweet, boys. I... I'm gonna slip.
You know, I promised my old woman.
We've got, um... couples self-help group in the morning.
Yeah? Deano's been going to them, uh,
Narcotics Anonymous meetings, ain't ya, mate?
Yeah.
Doing him the ****ing world of good, innit?
[laughs]
See that tricky mug over there?
Just tried tripping me up. ****ing liberty.
Straight! Where are they from?
Look like ****in' squaddies.
Drop 'em out, Vin. I don't wanna get nicked.
Vin, I've already broke me court order.
I'll go straight to the shovel, mate.
-****in' boom, Vin. -**** it.
[indistinct shouting]
[snores]
****'s sake, Dad, wake up!
You're supposed to be taking me to Granddad's
so I can have a McDonald's and watch The Exorcist
while you go to couples workshop and save your marriage.
-You're quiet. -Hmm.
[music plays from JJ's game]
I didn't think it'd come to this.
I imagined we'd spend our weekends
-considering suicide in Ikea. -[laughs]
[phone rings]
[Jack] Oh, for ****'s sake.
I need him like a hole in the head at the moment.
Oh, don't tell him I'm with you, he gets all didgey round me.
Kenny Boy. How are ya, mate?
I'm sweet now, mate. Just finishing me cathedral.
Look, I know I'm not well
and everyone would rather wash their hands of me,
but it really matters to me that you're there.
I ****ing mean it.
I ain't got no one else in this world, Jack, apart from you.
****ing no one.
So thank you, mate.
I love you, geez.
Yeah, I love you too, mate. I love you too.
I'm proud of you, Jack.
You're the only one who stood on for him.
My dad gave up years ago, and...
Well, I can't say anything, can I? Cos you know...
But you...
Although I do wonder why you won't help yourself.
Here.
Babe, I forgot to ask, how did your job interview go?
-They ****in' loved me. -[chuckles]
[chuckles] How was your day?
Yeah. I went back to yoga.
My tree pose is terrible,
and my back's ****ed.
I just can't seem to get my leg over anymore.
[JJ] Sounds like Daddy.
Celery, Ron.
It's been suggested that we ween him off of ultra-processed food.
I've got Deliveroo turning up in a minute
with a couple of ****ing Big Macs.
No, McDonald's is sweet.
It's all that other shit you gotta avoid. Know what I mean?
So what goes on at this workshop then, eh?
Full of ****ing rug munchers and flids, I bet.
I'm just keeping me nut down, Ron.
Got to shoot off, we're gonna be late.
Yeah, yeah, sweet.
So what's the apple with my Kenny Boy, eh?
Good as gold.
Yeah? So what you been up to then?
I won't tell him about the breakdown
cos I know he don't give a ****.
Chillaxing, really.
Don't you take my kindness for weakness, do you hear me?
I could take the roof away from over your head
in a ****ing heartbeat.
Anything happens to my Kenny Boy... you're bang in trouble.
Got it. He's safe with me, Ron.
Chillaxing, the saucy ****.
I think I'd probably be... the Hulk,
cos I have, like, a real issue expressing my anger,
and... when it does come out, I go like metaphorically
****ing green, and just feel wildly out of control.
Shall we give him a round of applause?
[applause]
That is a wonderfully visceral description of your anger, Lyle.
Well done. We welcome your honesty.
And, Fi, would you like to say anything to Lyle,
in the spirit of openness and generosity?
Um... I see you, my husband.
And it's OK to express your anger.
I'm scared... but I'm held in this moment.
Now, as a group, we hold this space...
as we close our eyes and we breathe.
[group inhales deeply]
[they exhale]
Gareth.
Gareth, have you thought about who your superhero might be?
Hm-hmm.
I feel like the Invisible Man. [sighs]
This is what ten years in prison
with Prince Harry would feel like.
I transferred to Edinburgh to finish my masters,
cos I found social sciences at Bristol overly politicised
-if I'm honest. -I know, right?
I was doing English lit, and in the second year,
the syllabus focused on post-colonial reading,
and I was like, I came here to learn Shakespeare, bro.
-And hunt chicks, of course. -[chuckles]
What about you, Jack?
-What's that, mate? -Where did you study?
Your lot don't bother with uni, do they, Jack?
School of life, blood.
Anyway... [continues indistinctly]
Dani, I want you to tell Jack what you want from him.
[Dani chuckles]
-Don't make me laugh. -I'm not, I swear. All right?
-Go on. -**** off.
[group leader] In your own time, Dani.
[sighs]
I want you to babysit.
I mean, I wouldn't bother asking for anything else,
cos it'd be a waste of time.
There's no point in asking you to be more attentive,
or... not so ****ing defensive.
Stop telling me how to run my life better, or...
show a bit of compassion when I'm struggling.
To give a single ****ing ****
when I'm pre-menstrual or ill or whatever.
No, I don't expect any of that anymore.
I just want you to babysit so I can have a night off.
Yeah.
And Jack, what do you wanna say to Dani?
What night?
What night, what?
What night do you want me to babysit?
Cos we've got Yeovil, so...
I think Dani meant generally, Jack. Unless I misread that?
[scoffs]
How does that make you feel, Dani?
Is being a massive **** a feeling?
I've got something else to tell ya.
I didn't go yoga.
I went back to art college.
Well, I've got something to tell you an' all.
I'm proud of ya.
And I won't go to football if you don't want me to.
**** it. I'm done with it.
I'd, uh, like to lay down a challenge.
I want you to consider going back to the place
you had your first date.
[chuckles]
[group leader chuckles]
Now, it's unlikely you'll feel the same emotions
as you did when you first met,
but trust the process is all I ask, and...
you might be surprised.
[♪ "How Deep is Your Love" by The Bee Gees]
[Jack] Thinking the boys would give me a hero's welcome
for staying sober proved to be a considerable mistake.
Instead, I was made to feel about as welcome as Andrew Tate
at the Ipswich *******s' annual vegan lunch.
No Kenny Boy?
He mentioned something about having sushi with Buzz Aldrin.
-Lager for Vinny. -Ta, mate.
-Lager for Deano. -Ta, mate.
Lager for Roger. That's me.
-Pear juice for Jack. -Sweet, Rog.
You, uh... you coming football? We got Yeovil.
[slurps drink]
[slurping continues]
I'm gonna have a lag.
**** me, the geezer's completely gone.
-It's worse than I thought. -He's shot to bits.
-Totally weighed in. -Absolute shit ****.
It's embarrassing. What are we gonna do?
Don't worry about it.
I left him a livener in the khazi.
[Roger] Straight? What'd you give him?
[Vinny] I taped a packet
and a couple of pills to the toilet wall.
That'll liven the Jils up.
That's friendship for ya.
They think they're doing you a favour,
but they forgot how you
almost wound up wanking off bent vicars for readies,
or selling your son's christening presents for ****ie.
They're not the ones with a prison sentence
hanging over their heads though, are they?
[sniffs]
What's that?
I dunno.
Smells like pear juice.
Dad, is Mum having an affair?
I hope not. What makes you say that?
She said that if ever you pick me up from school,
it means she's either dead or run off with another man.
-Uncle Kenny! -[Kenny Boy] Hey.
Kenny Boy, where you been?
Working on myself.
Is this good Kenny Boy or bad Kenny Boy?
Always good Kenny Boy.
It wants to be an' all.
♪ First day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
♪ A partridge in a pear tree
♪ Two, four, six, eight, we don't want to radiate
♪ Three, five, seven, nine
♪ Stop the bomb while we've still got time
[Kenny imitates explosion, laughs]
So glad to see you, Uncle Kenny.
Mum said you had a mental breakdown
and went completely ****ing spastic again.
[laughs]
[♪ "Swan Lake" by Tchaikovsky]
That's your favourite airline, Colombian Airlines,
cos this is all you order,
"I'd like to have the ****ie with ****ie,
and I'd like to season it with ****ie."
[Kenny laughs]
[♪ "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves]
What you doing? I said I'd let you drive us home.
-Hold tight. -[turns music off]
See a man about a dog.
Where's he going?
[Jack] He's going ****ing doolally is where he's going.
[Jack sighs]
All right, mate?
What's happening, cuz? You got any food?
-What do you want, mate? -The lot, ****.
[man groans and yells]
[Jack] ****in' hell, they're two-handed.
You stay here. Do you understand me?
You don't move.
Dad?
-[man 2] **** off! -[Kenny Boy groans]
-Prick! ****ing want some more? -Oh, mate. Mate.
[man 2 groans]
[man 1] Come here.
[Kenny Boy] ****s! [laughs]
He's got a ****ing shooter!
[gunshots]
JJ!
[Jack] ****ing run, boy! Run!
I'm sorry. All right? I'm sorry you had to see that.
But you got to understand that your Uncle Kenny Boy,
he's ****ing doolally, this geezer.
What you can't do is tell your mum.
Cos if you tell your mum, I get aimed out.
We know what happens, don't we?
-Yeah, I'll have a new dad. -[laughs]
That's it, we'll have a laugh about this one day. All right?
Not a word to your mum. Not a word, all right?
-And I'll get you a Big Mac. -****ing Big Mac? That's it?
All right, I'll get you some edibles, an iPad code,
laughing gas.
I might even get you a brass.
-That was a joke. -[distant police siren]
Good boy.
[muffled] Managed to stay out of trouble?
You were barely in the job five minutes...
[normal] ..before a fight broke out.
[Jack] I didn't start it.
You're 45, not 11.
And what was the reason you didn't show up to therapy?
Running battle with Tranmere.
I had to look after my brother-in-law.
He's got mental health issues.
It's called a court order for a reason.
You've got two weeks before sentencing.
Show me something, Jack,
anything that will make me believe you.
[Jack] You never noticed she was so stunning.
Or maybe you just never noticed anything at all.
She had so many attributes that were lost on you,
but above all else, she had kindness in her soul.
which was odd seeing as her dad was such a titanic ****
and her brother was a complete ****ing pothouse.
Help me with these please, babe.
Years of taking her for granted had eroded that passion
that burned so brightly.
All that was left was a love triangle between me,
Dani and ****ie.
But the idea of losing her and living on my own
in a one-bedder in Penge
with just ****hub and Nando's for company
was about as appealing as sitting on Gary Glitter's lap.
There y'are.
It's not lost on me, what you're doing.
-Why, what am I doing? -[laughs] Stop fishing.
-You know. -You mean staying in,
babysitting, not going to football
while you go to an art exhibition with your mates?
You make it less special when you spell it out.
I'm joking.
Why are you dressed as Jeremy Corbyn?
I don't wanna look out of place.
What am I gonna do while you're out?
What you normally do, wank and play FIFA.
Oh, crap. I'm late.
Right, please make sure he stays off his screens.
You hear me? No screens.
Yes.
See ya, comrade.
-You piece of shit! -[gunshots]
****!
Aim better, you ****ing piss-face.
Shut your mouth.
-You mug. -You posh mug.
-I'm not posh. -Private school mug.
Yes!
[sound of vacuum cleaner]
[cleaner makes grinding sound]
****in' hell!
-Oi. -Eh?
-Oi, let me go, you nonce. -Nonce?
Stupid. Don't... You never take your eyes off your partner.
-Oh, yeah? -Eh?
-What's that then? -It's a muncher.
You shut up before I put you in the nose-bleeding zone.
Tuppence. Fat, ****ing bald tuppence ****.
Greedy ****.
On the dog, go on. Getcha!
Yeah, watch out before your absolute twig arms snap.
You used to be a ****able ****, now you're a fat, bald ****.
****ing ashamed of yourself.
It's your own ****ing fault.
[laughs]
Oh, yes.
Love you, boy. I love ya.
[kisses]
[Jack] It's not the hard times that get ya.
It's not the pain and the struggle.
And it's not the adversity.
It's normal life that breaks ya.
Dani, ****ie. ****ie, Dani.
[chatter]
[doorbell rings]
-Hi. -Very.
We were wondering if you were interested in joining our party.
****, yeah.
Splendid. We desperately want your vote, and are offering
something radically different to the others,
particularly in affordable housing and green spaces.
Good. Now where's the party?
Oh, sorry, you're a Labour member?
-No, I'm out of it. -Fab.
Any chance we can convince you to swing?
As long as you ain't got any diseases.
Splendid. We desperately want your vote and are offering
something radically different to the others,
particularly in affordable housing and green spaces.
Terrific.
Now get your Tory **** out.
[doorbell rings]
I suppose you're gonna offer me something
radically different from the others,
particularly in affordable housing and green spaces.
No, uh, we're offering recycled toilet paper.
Oh.
[laptop chimes]
[taps glass]
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.
It's now Libby's turn to show you her work.
I chose movement
because immigration is something that's really close to my heart.
I just totally think that there are no borders in this world
and people should be able to move freely.
And the fact that people escape war zones to come to Britain
and are made to feel like second-class citizens
really bothers me.
Libby, can you stop looking at me, please?
I'm from ****ing Dagenham.
[loud chatter]
[Vaughn taps glass]
Your attention, please, everyone.
It's now Dani's turn to show you her work.
So... I chose love, because...
-Because... -[crashing]
-[Jack groans] -[man] Are you all right?
-Who's ****ing Vaughn? Eh? -****in' hell.
Excuse me.
-Wanker! -[gasping]
Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!
Wanker!
Now **** off out of here.
Roger, my old son, I'm out me nut.
I need you to call me on a bit of ****ie,
I want a couple of blue diamonds,
some pingers,
something to help me on the old downwards slope.
I think you've dialled the wrong R.
-This isn't Roger. -Oh, ****!
-I'm sorry, Ron. -Don't worry about it, kiddo.
We all make ricks, don't we?
I mean, just look at me and my Kenny Boy.
I've not exactly been a guiding light for him, have I?
No, no, no, Ron, I think you done the best you could,
given the circumstances.
Truth is, Jack, I've been way out of my depth
since the missus left me for a younger man.
Organic butcher, as it happens.
I've just gone and buried my head in the sand.
Underneath it all, I feel so much... so much shame.
I mean, I know that I ****ed my Kenny Boy up with...
money and... material possessions.
I just didn't give the boy the one thing he needed, Jack.
All he wanted... was my love.
That's all he wanted.
I think you've dialled the wrong R. This isn't Roger.
Oh, ****! I'm sorry, Ron.
You ****ing **** of sickness!
You've got the nerve to bell me and ask for a bit of ****ie?
I ****in' hate you!
And if you think I'm gonna tell you to liven yourself up,
well, you're ****ing wrong!
Cos I want you to **** your life up.
I want you to flush it down the khazi!
I want my ****ing Dani
to see what a ****ing wastrel you are!
I want her to ****ing realise she married a ****ing no-hoper,
a ****ing ponce, a ****ing Jekyll,
a ****ing messer!
I'll show you messer, you ginger ****.
[♪ "We've Only Just Begun" by Lynn Anderson]
♪ We've only just begun
-Oi, oi, what's happening, son? -♪ To live
-♪ White lace... -Get in, son!
[♪ "Break 4 Luv" by Raze]
****in' hell, mate.
Have a bang on that, mush. Yeah?
Right, listen, Yeovil are en route,
and they reckon they're gonna smash up our boozer.
-You ****ing ready or what? -Yeovil? I've shit these ****s.
-I've ****ing shit these ****s. -Yeah?
****ing ready then, yeah? Yeah?
[both] You're just a ****ing wanker!
You're just a ****ing wanker!
[Vaughn] Dani!
-Dani, come on. -No.
Dani, come on. Oh, come and have a boogie.
-Please. -Oh, **** it.
-[Vaughn] Yeah! -[cheering]
[indistinct chatter]
♪ And when the evening comes
♪ We smile
♪ So much of life ahead
♪ We'll find a place where there's room to grow
♪ And yes, we've just be...
-[♪ "Break 4 Love" by Raze] -[Dani] Whoo!
[voices approaching]
Yeah, so keep your ****ing eyes peeled, boys.
-You Yeovil? -We are!
I'll do the ****in' lot of ya.
Especially you, you ugly, fat ****.
[Jack groans]
[indistinct chatter]
****! JJ!
JJ?
[heart monitor beeps]
**** are you doing here, Kenny Boy?
I heard you was bang in trouble.
Wanted to make sure you was OK.
Like you did for me.
I know I'm an albatross, Jack.
You've got enough on your plate without having to look after me.
Truth is, you make me look sensible.
I'm a stain on the family. We all know it.
No one wants me around.
People go quiet when I walk in a room.
I might be crackers,
but I can still hear the whispers of,
"Get him the **** away from me," behind my back.
The truth is... I wouldn't want me around.
I'll tell you what, Kenny Boy.
You might think I'm all you've got...
but the fact is, you're all I've got.
So you ain't going nowhere, cos without you, I'm ****ed.
No, Jack, you've still got a chance.
You've just got to go home and make it right.
I must be ****ed if I'm taking advice from a schizophrenic.
[keys jingle]
[lock rattles]
Hmm. Classy.
-Is that me clothes? -And your **** collection.
I know what's more important to ya.
I booked the restaurant we had our first date in for tonight.
Please?
I've already made other plans, Jack.
Well, unmake 'em.
How about a sorry?
Where are you going anyway?
Art stuff.
Meet me at the restaurant.
What, for another night of humiliation?
No. For pasta.
I don't want my boy to grow up like you, Jack.
I'm so ****ing sorry for what I've done.
If you can find it in your heart to forgive me,
I'll see you at the restaurant at six bells.
[knocks at door]
[door opens]
What's happening?
How did you know I was here?
Vin, everyone knows your wife left you years ago.
Having a party. [sniffs]
-Wanna come in? -Nah, you're all right.
Look after this for me.
Jack, do us a favour.
Don't tell the other lot, yeah?
Please don't tell me you want your drugs back.
Thank God for that.
Nah, mate, I've ****ed it.
My wife's gonna leave me.
I've turned my son into a lunatic.
My mates think I'm a bore.
And me father-in-law's gonna ****ing kill me.
Well, at least you've got your freedom.
I'd help if I could, mate,
but I'm just a hopeless, dyslexic, spark-out,
****ie-sniffing drunk. What good am I gonna be?
[Vaughn] Mind if I readjust you slightly?
[door opens]
These are for you, Dani.
Yeah, I'm not Dani.
****'s sake. Can't even get that right.
[man] He wanted me to tell ya he loves ya. More than Yeovil.
I'll just leave 'em here, shall I?
[door closes]
[Jack] Before you sit down.
I've thought long and hard about this.
There's something I need to say, so...
I'm a ****.
You know that's usually just the beginning?
Are you not even gonna make a promise to try a bit harder?
And you wonder why I went back to art college.
With Vaughn.
But you know what?
Despite everything... I still love ya.
I do.
I mean, yeah, I was tempted by Vaughn,
if only to remind myself what ****ing passion felt like.
But I couldn't bear to see the hurt on your little face.
So, yeah... you are absolutely right.
You are a ****.
But you're my ****.
And that matters to me.
-Carbonara, please. -Spaghetti or rigatoni?
Surprise me.
Look at you.
I never spoke to a straight goer unless I was servin' 'em ****ie.
Never read a book, apart from The Sun.
Never been to an exhibition. We won't count yours.
I've never even had a conversation
unless it was about drugs or football.
I look down on people I can't relate to.
I'm scared of mixing outside my world.
I don't listen to anyone unless there's something in it for me.
I judge people on their looks.
I want a prize for doing **** all.
I hate anyone that disagrees with me.
And I love the sound...
of my own voice.
**** me, I must bore you to tears.
And I'm not saying I'm gonna turn into Albert Epstein.
Einstein. Epstein's the nonce.
What I will say...
is if I can stay out of prison, I know I can change.
Hmm!
For a minute there, I almost believed ya.
Almost is good enough for me.
[phone rings]
Jack. Jack, it's Kenny Boy.
You've gotta come and help me, Jack.
What the **** you looking at?
Them ****ing dealers we beat up are in the pub looking for me.
They're firm-handed.
[Jack] Calm down. I'm coming. I'm coming now. ****in' hell.
[Kenny Boy] I'm out by the khazi.
The ****ing back door's locked. You've gotta come and help me.
-How 'bout you, eh? -[Jack] I'm round the corner.
Bowl haircut, this tall?
[Kenny Boy] I need you to help me.
-Get round the back door lively. -Kenny Boy!
Crazy ****ing look in his eye. Have you seen him?
You've gotta come and help me. They're gonna cop for me.
Bowl haircut. Laugh like hyaena. You seen him?
[man] No, mate.
-You ****ing sure? -Sorry.
Be lively, Jack.
Just ****ing get to the back door!
Round the back and prise it open.
Kenny Boy! Push, and I'll try and open it.
-[Kenny Boy] Let me out! -All right.
[Kenny Boy yells indistinctly]
Open the door, Jack!
Hurry up! We've gotta get out of here!
-[laughs] -It's not ****ing funny.
I was seconds away from getting done.
Them bods had guns on them.
I was gonna get one right in the cannister!
I don't need this, Kenny Boy!
I'm trying to sort out my ****ing life!
[laughs]
[man] Remember me, pal?
**** stabbed me.
[Kenny Boy gasps]
[groans]
All right. All right, all right, all right.
[line rings]
I need an ambulance.
Someone's been stabbed. I'm outside the Fox.
Be quick, he's ****ing dying.
Come on. Don't ****ing die, you ****.
Don't you ****ing die, you ****. You dare ****ing die.
[Kenny Boy gasps]
All right, all right, all right.
The defendant failed to attend his first therapy session,
Your Honour,
and also lost his job down to a confrontation with colleagues.
However, there is cause for optimism.
Firstly, he came to the aid of a wounded man,
called the ambulance services. And from their report,
I gather he certainly helped save the young man's life.
And on top of that, he appears to have made the effort
to find further employment,
and has a contract with a Mr Ron Mason's scaffold team.
In summation, I recommend the defendant
continues his probation order
so he can carry on working on the scaffold team,
and indeed... on himself.
[phone buzzes]
[judge] Not often that this court hears a good-news story.
I'm impressed.
Seems like your liberty is worth fighting for after all, Jones.
Well done.
I don't intend to interfere with your employment,
so I'm going to leave you in the capable hands of Mr Fisher
and the probation services,
where you can hopefully impart some of your newfound wisdom...
-[phone buzzes] -..to the younger offenders
you will likely meet along the way.
Good. Court adjourned.
Shame. I was hoping you'd get a five.
[Dani chuckles]
Go on then, dinlo.
**** off and celebrate with your two-bob mates.
What are you gonna do?
Nude life drawing.
Don't worry, Jack, I wouldn't hurt you just for sport.
Funny thing, life.
You never know how it's gonna unfold.
I mean, who would have thought the two people
that gave me the most agg in this world
would be the ones that came to my rescue
when I needed it the most?
-Oi. -So, to Kenny Boy and Ron.
Kenny Boy, may your wounds heal quickly.
Ron, may yours last forevermore.
As for me, I'm looking forward to a bright future.
I'm thinking of reducing my carbon footprint,
steady employment, a Toyota Prius,
volunteering at the school fete, a Flymo,
The Rest is Politics podcast, a beanie hat,
and walking holidays in Pembrokeshire with Mrs Jones.
Sourdough baking, Wilderness Festival,
Jamie Oliver cookbooks, recycled Birkenstocks,
me time, better vocabulary, Wim Hof,
grassroots campaigning, sharing family progress on social media,
vegan cheese, maybe even a beard.
Just Stop Oil, hemp man bags,
subscription to The Guardian, gong baths,
a greater understanding of diverse communities, kimchi,
and generally a little more love and tolerance
towards my fellow man.
Anyway, it can wait till Monday.
Come on, chap, liven up, you ****ing Jils.
[chatter]
[man] Here look, boys. They're ****ing here, look.
Come on.
[shouting]
What are you doing here?!
Come on! Come on!
Come on, then!
Come on! Come on!
You ****ing knobhead!
[Kenny Boy laughs]
[♪ "Swan Lake" by Tchaikovsky]