1 00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:14,547 As you may well know, I am many things. 2 00:00:14,647 --> 00:00:17,584 An arts dealer, an accomplished fencer, 3 00:00:17,717 --> 00:00:20,153 fair shot with most weapons. 4 00:00:20,220 --> 00:00:25,225 I am loved and respected by all who know me... 5 00:00:25,325 --> 00:00:27,427 slightly. 6 00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:34,000 But I have always felt there's something missing, you see. 7 00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:36,436 Some final piece of my personal puzzle. 8 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:40,600 I needed something bold, distinctive. 9 00:00:40,106 --> 00:00:41,441 Thank you. 10 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:45,712 The work of art with which I could declare to the heavens, 11 00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:48,915 I am Lord Charlie Mortdecai, 12 00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:53,753 and this little bit of magic 13 00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:56,289 is my moustache. 14 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,730 I see. Shall we to business then, Fang? 15 00:01:05,650 --> 00:01:07,100 Would you mind? 16 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:12,272 "Find," you said. 17 00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:17,143 And find, I have done. 18 00:01:25,850 --> 00:01:27,420 The Qianlong vase. 19 00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:31,291 Very, very rare. 20 00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:34,940 Low-fired with an immersion glaze? 21 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,930 None of the southern Yangtze ceramics are low-fired. 22 00:01:37,630 --> 00:01:39,799 But you know that. You're testing me. 23 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,604 I'm so terribly sorry. Mosquito. You see it? 24 00:01:45,805 --> 00:01:48,800 Why don't you test the vase instead? 25 00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:51,978 I am sure that you will agree it is a bargain at two million pounds. 26 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,914 Everyone knows you're broke. 27 00:01:54,981 --> 00:01:57,984 You will take one million. 28 00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:02,255 Golly, that was a big one! 29 00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:06,192 Well, have it your way, Fang. 30 00:02:06,826 --> 00:02:08,928 One million pounds. 31 00:02:09,290 --> 00:02:12,966 I trust that you have brought the treasuries? 32 00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:23,109 I think I'll keep the money. And the vase. 33 00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,846 You cheated me in our last deal. 34 00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:31,618 I paid three million for that tapestry, 35 00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:35,822 then found out it is worth only one! 36 00:02:38,958 --> 00:02:44,300 You took from me. Now I will take from you. 37 00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:49,235 Now, you look here, Fang! Fat. Fang Fat. 38 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,304 I'm an art dealer, not a charlatan. 39 00:02:51,371 --> 00:02:55,508 A rogue, perhaps, a scamp or scoundrel, I will grant you. 40 00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:59,212 But never an outright mountebank. 41 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:01,147 Enough! 42 00:03:01,214 --> 00:03:06,353 You owe me. I believe a finger would be fair. Don't you? 43 00:03:06,419 --> 00:03:08,221 No! 44 00:03:10,230 --> 00:03:11,910 Jock! 45 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,364 I wouldn't, mate. I really wouldn't. 46 00:03:19,366 --> 00:03:22,335 Jockie, thank heavens! Where have you been, man? 47 00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,704 Right behind you as always, sir. 48 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:41,421 Jock! 49 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,694 Well done, Jockie. 50 00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,863 It's a privilege, sir! 51 00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:11,985 Jock, you're ablaze! 52 00:04:21,940 --> 00:04:24,731 - Well, I think our work here is done. - Time to go, sir. 53 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:35,442 Jock laid out the state of our financial affairs. 54 00:04:35,575 --> 00:04:38,110 Basically, they involved debt. 55 00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:40,780 Massive, crushing debt. 56 00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:44,851 We hurried back to Mortdecai Manor, where my beloved wife, Johanna, 57 00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:47,587 having heard of our financial distress, 58 00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:51,324 was arriving home to sell off some of my prized possessions. 59 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,627 Even my horsey picture was on the block. 60 00:04:56,296 --> 00:05:00,300 But I was hopeful my new moustache would cheer her up. 61 00:05:00,333 --> 00:05:01,935 Darling! 62 00:05:02,350 --> 00:05:04,437 Oh, God, I missed you terribly. 63 00:05:04,504 --> 00:05:08,808 Johanna. Love of my life. Apple of my eye. 64 00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:11,144 I so wish you had been there. 65 00:05:11,277 --> 00:05:15,148 Can you imagine the two of us in that frigid city, 66 00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:19,519 only our passions keeping us... Whoa! What is that? 67 00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:23,156 Just a little something I cooked up whilst you were away, my darling. 68 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:25,458 I do believe it was Maggie Thatcher who said 69 00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:28,361 that kissing a man without a moustache 70 00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:31,631 is rather like eating an egg without salt. 71 00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:34,901 - Oh, don't point that thing at me. - Told ya. 72 00:05:36,569 --> 00:05:40,507 I have put no inconsiderable thought and effort into this endeavor. 73 00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:44,770 You see, the domain of a man's upper lip is his sovereign ground... 74 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:47,414 - You have five minutes to shave it off. - Every Mortdecai man before me 75 00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:51,217 had the same. Why can't I? 76 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:55,855 Oh, I happen to be terribly fond of it, 77 00:05:55,922 --> 00:06:00,727 and I have had every intention of seeing it through. 78 00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:04,230 You mean it's going to get bigger? 79 00:06:04,664 --> 00:06:07,670 It will come to fruition, yes. 80 00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:10,503 Oh, darling... 81 00:06:11,738 --> 00:06:13,740 You really won't shave it off? 82 00:06:16,900 --> 00:06:22,150 I can't, my duck. Not at this juncture. It's not even fully corked. It's a baby. 83 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,584 - Jock? - Yes, madam? 84 00:06:24,684 --> 00:06:27,854 Please, will you make up the guest bedroom for Mr. Mortdecai? 85 00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:29,389 Already have, madam. 86 00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:31,691 And I shan't be having dinner downstairs this evening. 87 00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:34,861 I'll just have a supper tray in my room. 88 00:06:34,928 --> 00:06:36,963 Very good, madam. 89 00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:40,900 I do believe Jock has informed you 90 00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:44,537 that we are staring down the barrel of insolvency. 91 00:06:44,637 --> 00:06:46,539 What do you plan to do about it? 92 00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:48,975 Right. Yes, well... 93 00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:53,279 That... Well... Quite. 94 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:56,916 First thing we're doing is selling off that Sheridan. 95 00:07:00,860 --> 00:07:01,821 My sweet little love beast, 96 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:05,825 I am sure that we will come up with the necessary funds by the end of the month. 97 00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:08,395 - What is today, the fifth! - The 26th, sir. 98 00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:10,730 - All right. That gives us six... - Four days, sir. 99 00:07:10,830 --> 00:07:13,833 Jock? Please can you take the Sheridan up to London in the morning? 100 00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:15,969 I'm entering it in the Autumn Masters Auction. 101 00:07:16,690 --> 00:07:19,472 - Right you are, madam. - Come, come. Let's not be rash. 102 00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:23,760 We cannot go about selling off family heirlooms willy-nilly. 103 00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:26,446 I'm afraid I shall have to put my foot down, darling. 104 00:07:26,579 --> 00:07:28,581 Sorry? 105 00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:30,784 With your permission, of course. 106 00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:37,323 Bugger it. Oh, there he is. 107 00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:40,994 She'll come around, Jock. How could she not? 108 00:07:41,940 --> 00:07:43,363 She's only human, sir. 109 00:07:43,663 --> 00:07:45,865 A quick aside about Jock. 110 00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,935 In addition to being my manservant and thug, 111 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:53,340 he also maintains an enviable rate of ***ual intercourse, 112 00:07:54,674 --> 00:07:57,344 which can be occasionally problematic. 113 00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:03,116 Recently, after we'd concluded the sale of a painting to a wealthy turkey farmer... 114 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,520 What was that? 115 00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:11,157 - Get your head down, sir. - What have you done now, man? 116 00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:15,328 Onward, Jock! Onward! Don't shoot, farmer! 117 00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:18,498 Dad! What the hell are you doing? 118 00:08:19,466 --> 00:08:23,536 Jock! Jock, wait! Jock! I have me own apartment! 119 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:27,207 Crikey, man! The farmer's daughter? 120 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,242 I only gave her the once-over. 121 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:33,790 - Where do you find the time? - Sorry, twice-over. 122 00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:37,830 Dear, sweet, simple Jock. 123 00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:40,320 Every man should have a Jock, don't you think? 124 00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:48,828 Meanwhile, not far away, 125 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,364 our fortunes were about to become intertwined 126 00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:56,536 with one of the art world's greatest mysteries. 127 00:08:58,571 --> 00:09:01,241 And a dead hag. 128 00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:06,780 Bull's-eye. 129 00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:20,360 Miss Bronwen? Everything all right? 130 00:09:55,795 --> 00:09:57,831 Get back behind the tape! 131 00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:01,468 Excuse me. This is a crime scene. 132 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,838 Hello? 133 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,339 Who is this guy? 134 00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:10,110 You and your men have done an admirable job stomping all over the place. 135 00:10:10,176 --> 00:10:13,246 Your services are no longer required. 136 00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:17,183 Sorry, Inspector Martland, sir. 137 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,987 Sorry, sir. I had no idea, sir. 138 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:26,459 Can I have all Thames Valley police officers back in their cars, please? 139 00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:29,596 There's been a jurisdictional change. 140 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,640 That painting could be anywhere by now, sir. 141 00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:43,309 Yes, I suppose it could. 142 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,779 You know we're going to have to ring him, don't you, sir? 143 00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:47,480 No, I do not know that, Maurice. 144 00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,883 No one knows the filthy underside of the art world better than he, sir. 145 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:52,485 He is the filthy underside. 146 00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:56,289 Why did it have to be art? 147 00:10:57,724 --> 00:11:01,828 Inspector Alastair Martland. MI5. 148 00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:04,164 Martland and I met at Oxford. 149 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,966 Once in a while I provide him with some off-the-record help 150 00:11:07,670 --> 00:11:10,370 with the seedier side of art collecting. 151 00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:16,543 And in exchange, he gives me a wide berth to ply my craft. 152 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:20,380 He is also desperately in love with my wife. 153 00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:23,583 Rather annoying, really. 154 00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,180 What? 155 00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:27,530 Inspector Martland, sir. 156 00:11:27,870 --> 00:11:29,756 What does that blighter want? 157 00:11:29,856 --> 00:11:32,192 Tell him to ring back when my marriage isn't falling apart. 158 00:11:32,258 --> 00:11:35,495 - No, he's here, sir. - He is? 159 00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:38,598 Oh, all right. Wheel him in. 160 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,737 - Don't get up. - I wasn't going to. 161 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:48,408 Beware the carafe on the top shelf. It contains water. 162 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,945 Ignoring some of the more inviting bottles on the drinks tray, 163 00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:54,381 he reached underneath for the big decanter, 164 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:59,185 and poured himself a gross amount of what he thought was my Taylor '31. 165 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,454 Score one for Mortdecai, 166 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:06,126 for I had filled it with an invalid port of unbelievable nastiness. 167 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,928 - Oh, excellent. - Score two. 168 00:12:09,290 --> 00:12:11,698 Bit of cheese to go with that? 169 00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:15,201 I should think the special one, Jock. 170 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,883 What is that infernal thing on your lip? 171 00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,919 Is there a purpose to your presence? 172 00:12:33,119 --> 00:12:35,155 You're in the hole to Her Majesty's government 173 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:38,580 to the tune of eight million quid, old boy. 174 00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:42,729 I had no idea I was so deep in Her Majesty's hole. 175 00:12:47,670 --> 00:12:50,603 God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God... 176 00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:05,852 That's not natural. 177 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,857 What do you think? 178 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,995 I think this woman has need of a chiropractor. 179 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,499 Bronwen Fellworthy, Oxford art restorer. Did you know her? 180 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:24,337 Slightly. I do recall a vague memory of her having once, 181 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:27,507 involuntarily, one would hope, 182 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:32,645 releasing a fart of such frightening power and timbre 183 00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:36,216 that I feared she had done herself a horrible mischief. 184 00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:37,517 Cheese. 185 00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,286 Thank you. 186 00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:55,235 Three months ago, a small Spanish museum sent her a Goya to be cleaned. 187 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:59,539 Last night she was killed. Painting has disappeared. 188 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,208 Sad news, particularly for her. 189 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,878 But I don't see what it has to do with me. 190 00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:09,382 Well, if my men start asking questions, then the Goya disappears without a trace. 191 00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:15,210 But you, a known trafficker of stolen art, well, you could make some inquiries. 192 00:14:15,550 --> 00:14:19,192 Why would MI5 be interested in the theft of a middling Goya? 193 00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:27,434 Emil Strago. Fundamentalist, revolutionary. 194 00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:31,938 Trained in Syria, fought in Senegal. An expert in special warfare. 195 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,442 He's linked to a number of terror attacks all around the world. 196 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,243 All right, he's unpleasant. What of him? 197 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:42,248 Well, we believe he entered the country with the purpose of finding that painting. 198 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,417 - Why? - We don't know why. 199 00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:47,120 But if Strago is involved, well, suffice it to say, 200 00:14:47,253 --> 00:14:49,956 it's a matter of urgent national security. 201 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:53,960 And you would like me to find it before he does? 202 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,396 Precisely. 203 00:14:57,764 --> 00:15:00,467 I've given you a lot of rope over the years, Charlie. 204 00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,936 But now you're dangling off the end of it. 205 00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:05,772 Help me find that painting, 206 00:15:05,872 --> 00:15:09,142 or I'll have the magistrate open that file and prosecute at random. 207 00:15:09,275 --> 00:15:13,413 It was a catalogue of some of my more unseemly escapades. 208 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:18,485 The file was fat and well-handled, like a Welsh barmaid. 209 00:15:18,985 --> 00:15:21,888 It is apparent that you are well-versed in the stick. 210 00:15:21,988 --> 00:15:24,657 But what of the well-known carrot? 211 00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:29,262 - What's in it for me, as they say? - Good God, man! 212 00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:33,733 We're talking about a bloodthirsty extremist threatening the lives of your countrymen. 213 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,771 Well, if you won't do it for me, do it for Queen and Country. 214 00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:39,739 No! 215 00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:44,244 All right, Queen and Country, travel and living expenses, reasonable overhead. 216 00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,579 Ten percent, sir. 217 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,949 And 10 percent of the insurance money as a finder's fee. 218 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:51,818 Done. 219 00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:55,155 Oh, and incidentally, I asked for some cheese, 220 00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:58,792 not an instrument of biological warfare. 221 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,296 Score one for Martland. 222 00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:08,768 Martland... What else can you tell me about Strago? 223 00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:12,372 Well, he's colorblind and he's allergic to cashews. 224 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:16,476 Goody. Every subject of the Crown and every cashew in the Kingdom shall sleep safely. 225 00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:18,511 Johanna, you look lovely. 226 00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:20,613 Alastair. 227 00:16:21,470 --> 00:16:24,384 You do look lovely, darling. So absolutely lovely. 228 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:28,154 - I thought that was you. - Radiant... 229 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,523 Martland also met Johanna at school. 230 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:31,825 Of course, I'll just... I'll shut the door. 231 00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:34,494 Now, what's all this about a missing Goya? 232 00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:39,299 Oh, it's the house. Terribly vast. Echo-ey, don't you know? 233 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,503 Well, that's classified information, I'm afraid. 234 00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:46,506 You know, state secrets and what have you. 235 00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:50,343 My husband is trying to reclaim his youth by growing that horrible moustache. 236 00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,545 Do inform him that that ship has sailed. 237 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:55,348 Every Mortdecai man before me has had one. 238 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:58,385 And I will have you know that some members of the fairer *** 239 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,887 do find it quite appealing. 240 00:17:01,210 --> 00:17:02,989 Whom exactly? 241 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,661 No one in particular, of course. 242 00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:11,264 Metaphoric woman... women. 243 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:15,735 Metaphorically... general... you know. 244 00:17:16,102 --> 00:17:20,907 If you are growing that excrement on your lip to please another, know this: 245 00:17:21,700 --> 00:17:23,430 I will kill her. 246 00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:27,470 Oh, Alastair. It's so lovely. Do come back. 247 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:30,917 It's so wonderful to have someone of reasonable intelligence to converse with. 248 00:17:31,170 --> 00:17:33,253 I'd be delighted. 249 00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:37,223 Do I detect a slight crack in the marital armor? 250 00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,292 A mere tiff, old bean. Nothing more. 251 00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,928 Oh, really? Seems like more than a tiff to me. 252 00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:46,660 My wife needs to come around to a certain viewpoint. That is all. 253 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:49,769 Well, good luck, mate. See what you can dig up about that Goya. 254 00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:51,805 Usual channels. We'll meet in London tomorrow. 255 00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:53,773 Of course. 256 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:05,118 I had the painting in my hand. Someone must have known I was coming. 257 00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:09,550 Milton Krampf? The American? 258 00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:11,925 Then it must have been his dealer. 259 00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:18,164 Krampf's dealer, what is his name? 260 00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,300 Mortdecai. 261 00:18:28,174 --> 00:18:30,944 Johanna, my darling. 262 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,180 My... My love. My... 263 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:38,840 My only true love. My... love beast. 264 00:18:38,184 --> 00:18:41,321 My rumpus room rascal. 265 00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:45,959 You have no idea the beast you are about to receive. 266 00:18:51,765 --> 00:18:53,800 Johanna? 267 00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:57,504 Are you all right in there, darling? 268 00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:00,707 It is I, Charlie. 269 00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:02,142 Your husband. 270 00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:07,814 - What is it? - Moon of my delight. 271 00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:12,686 This is your own personalized Sheik of Araby who seeks admission into your tent. 272 00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:15,655 I have come to carry you off to the burning desert, 273 00:19:15,789 --> 00:19:18,191 and work my greasy will upon you... 274 00:19:18,692 --> 00:19:20,860 under the tropical stars. 275 00:19:21,610 --> 00:19:24,564 Send your camel to bed, damn it! 276 00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,534 My Sheik, 277 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:31,971 does this mean you have excommunicated that moustache of the Prophet? 278 00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:36,176 I'll trim it. 279 00:19:38,712 --> 00:19:40,580 Darling, 280 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,883 I am embarking on a very dangerous escapade 281 00:19:44,170 --> 00:19:47,220 from which I may not well return. 282 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:51,858 And it is customary in these situations for, you know... 283 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,940 a proper send-off. 284 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:57,970 Quick session of congress. 285 00:19:57,664 --> 00:20:01,868 Sink the Bismarck, if you will. And by the way, did I mention... 286 00:20:03,236 --> 00:20:07,173 it is a matter of national security. 287 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:18,840 It's very difficult for me as well, you know, 288 00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:20,553 this thing that's come between us. 289 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:23,223 I know, darling. 290 00:20:29,950 --> 00:20:31,698 No, no. Steady yourself. 291 00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:36,903 I beg you, darling, please. You know I have a sympathetic gag reflex. 292 00:20:36,970 --> 00:20:39,706 Oh, God. It's unbearable. 293 00:20:39,773 --> 00:20:42,742 - You will get used to it. I promise. - Why should I have to? 294 00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:44,744 I'm invested in it. 295 00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:48,481 Why can't you invest in saving us from financial ruin? 296 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:50,950 Or do you want me to sort it out for you? 297 00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:56,560 Heavens, no. You needn't worry yourself. 298 00:20:56,156 --> 00:20:58,892 I have things firmly... 299 00:20:58,992 --> 00:21:01,327 in hand. 300 00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:11,104 My love, you are killing me. Please. 301 00:21:11,171 --> 00:21:15,442 It looked like you have a ****** on your face. 302 00:21:17,770 --> 00:21:20,847 Surely you mean the pubic hair above a ******. 303 00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:22,782 I simply cannot get my head around that image. 304 00:21:22,849 --> 00:21:26,286 - Oh, Charlie... - However, 305 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:32,192 now that you've mentioned it, I'm unable to steer my mind away from it. 306 00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:35,929 Go stuff a mattress with that thing! 307 00:21:37,970 --> 00:21:39,632 The moustache, I mean. 308 00:21:44,504 --> 00:21:48,641 Sheamus is able to do with a steel chair in hand. Here we go. 309 00:21:51,111 --> 00:21:52,712 Jockie, 310 00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:54,681 what if... 311 00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:56,816 it isn't just a tiff? 312 00:21:56,950 --> 00:22:00,453 What if this is the well-known "it," as it were? 313 00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:02,856 - That'd be awful. - Jock? 314 00:22:02,989 --> 00:22:06,526 And myself sleeping alone. 315 00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:09,295 How do you think this makes me feel, man? 316 00:22:09,362 --> 00:22:11,364 I dunno, sir. 317 00:22:11,498 --> 00:22:13,400 Dash it all, I am resolved. 318 00:22:13,533 --> 00:22:16,200 If it is money we need, then it is money we shall have. 319 00:22:16,136 --> 00:22:18,138 Jock? 320 00:22:18,204 --> 00:22:20,730 That's me. 321 00:22:22,750 --> 00:22:26,813 Tomorrow we shall sell off the Rolls to that vulgar American, Milton Krampf, 322 00:22:26,913 --> 00:22:30,750 and we will find that painting if it is the last thing we do. 323 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:33,186 Right-y-oh. I'll call Spinoza in the morning. 324 00:22:33,253 --> 00:22:35,210 - Yes, do. - Good night, sir. 325 00:22:35,221 --> 00:22:38,191 - Jock? - Yes, sir? 326 00:22:38,258 --> 00:22:40,326 Do you think it will be all right in the end? 327 00:22:40,727 --> 00:22:42,696 I couldn't say, sir. 328 00:22:59,746 --> 00:23:02,582 My first stop was to see Sir Graham Archer, 329 00:23:02,716 --> 00:23:06,619 rival art dealer and Goya specialist. 330 00:23:06,753 --> 00:23:11,191 A permanent fixture at Sedgwick's Auction House in Kensington. 331 00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:15,610 I will meet you at Spinoza's in one hour. 332 00:23:15,128 --> 00:23:17,197 Right you are, sir. 333 00:23:28,141 --> 00:23:31,911 Sir Graham has been the rudest man in England for years. 334 00:23:31,978 --> 00:23:36,549 Recently, he's been working his way up to the wickedest. 335 00:23:39,552 --> 00:23:42,288 Looks like something curled up and died on your lip. 336 00:23:42,422 --> 00:23:44,290 It's not herpetic, I hope. 337 00:23:44,391 --> 00:23:47,427 Hello, Sir Graham, you old member. 338 00:23:47,727 --> 00:23:49,329 Who are you hiding in your belly? 339 00:23:49,462 --> 00:23:54,768 I see you've put your Sheridan up in next week's sale. Hard times, old boy? 340 00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:59,439 No, no, no, no. Just getting rid of some choice items while the market's right. 341 00:23:59,506 --> 00:24:02,942 What do you make of this Bronwen business? 342 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:08,415 Ghastly affair. One always bemoans the loss of a great restorer. 343 00:24:08,481 --> 00:24:11,985 Old bag. She should have put locks on her doors. 344 00:24:12,752 --> 00:24:14,821 You used her frequently, didn't you? 345 00:24:14,921 --> 00:24:18,958 Not lately. She's been unavailable for three months. 346 00:24:19,250 --> 00:24:22,128 The Goya she was cleaning... 347 00:24:23,196 --> 00:24:25,965 rather simple job, wouldn't you say? 348 00:24:26,990 --> 00:24:28,835 Usual dirt and grime one finds on the Spaniards. 349 00:24:28,935 --> 00:24:32,172 Haven't the foggiest why it took her so long. 350 00:24:32,772 --> 00:24:36,142 What's your sudden interest, if I may ask? 351 00:24:36,276 --> 00:24:41,114 A client with a mild curiosity, that's all. 352 00:24:44,184 --> 00:24:48,788 We must go shooting again. Jock has fully recovered. 353 00:24:56,663 --> 00:25:01,835 There's only one reason you might be interested in a museum-owned Goya, 354 00:25:01,901 --> 00:25:05,338 and that's because there's money involved. 355 00:25:05,405 --> 00:25:07,540 You are mistaken, sir. 356 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:11,411 There's a great deal of money involved. 357 00:25:13,847 --> 00:25:17,584 I've always admired your rapacity, sir. 358 00:25:19,552 --> 00:25:21,988 I say, Sir Graham, I wonder, 359 00:25:22,220 --> 00:25:25,425 your... protrusion... 360 00:25:25,525 --> 00:25:30,897 Might it be possible to swing the old fellow north, as it were? 361 00:25:34,367 --> 00:25:36,736 Who's the client? 362 00:25:36,870 --> 00:25:39,939 Terribly sorry, sworn to secrecy. 363 00:25:41,875 --> 00:25:45,512 Perhaps a brisk walk down the stairs will do some good. 364 00:25:45,578 --> 00:25:47,414 Yes. 365 00:25:50,216 --> 00:25:53,219 So it's that sort of Goya. 366 00:25:54,254 --> 00:25:56,256 Romanov. 367 00:25:57,190 --> 00:26:00,860 That painted lady you've been searching for, 368 00:26:00,927 --> 00:26:04,597 I believe she may be in play. 369 00:26:04,698 --> 00:26:06,733 I want that painting. 370 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:16,142 - Johanna! - Alastair. 371 00:26:16,743 --> 00:26:19,312 So glad you called. 372 00:26:19,813 --> 00:26:22,782 I've asked for a Chardonnay. That is your drink, isn't it? 373 00:26:22,916 --> 00:26:24,984 Oh, you remembered. 374 00:26:25,652 --> 00:26:27,454 Thank you. 375 00:26:27,487 --> 00:26:31,570 Oh, God. How thoughtless of me. You're on duty. 376 00:26:31,424 --> 00:26:34,961 And in charge, thank you very much. 377 00:26:36,730 --> 00:26:38,565 To what do I owe the pleasure? 378 00:26:38,665 --> 00:26:40,900 I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd pop 'round, 379 00:26:40,967 --> 00:26:43,503 and see how you secret agent men run the world. 380 00:26:43,837 --> 00:26:47,907 Not nearly. Although it is terribly vital work. 381 00:26:47,974 --> 00:26:51,344 It's not all chardonnay and afternoon trysts. 382 00:26:51,578 --> 00:26:53,747 Is this a tryst? 383 00:26:53,813 --> 00:26:56,282 No, no. No, no, no. 384 00:26:56,416 --> 00:26:58,485 No, no, no, no, no. 385 00:26:58,618 --> 00:27:03,890 No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. 386 00:27:03,189 --> 00:27:06,626 - No, I was just... - Of course you were. 387 00:27:07,293 --> 00:27:09,763 How are things at home? 388 00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:11,865 You've touched a nerve. 389 00:27:11,998 --> 00:27:15,335 You've sensed it, Alastair. You always were the sensitive one. 390 00:27:15,635 --> 00:27:17,871 - You've got a difficult chap. - Beastly. 391 00:27:17,971 --> 00:27:21,775 - Bit of a moron, actually. - Maybe I should have an affair. 392 00:27:21,875 --> 00:27:24,144 - Wouldn't that be funny? - Hilarious. 393 00:27:24,210 --> 00:27:26,479 - Do you think I could keep it a secret? - Yes! 394 00:27:26,546 --> 00:27:28,281 Well then, what's the point? 395 00:27:28,381 --> 00:27:31,785 Now, tell me, what are you and my husband working on at the moment? 396 00:27:32,180 --> 00:27:33,820 Oh... 397 00:27:34,187 --> 00:27:36,220 Well, in vague terms there's a very bad man 398 00:27:36,156 --> 00:27:37,891 who wants what I want, and I'm trying to stop him. 399 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:42,162 And what does a missing Goya have to do with national security? 400 00:27:42,295 --> 00:27:44,640 In vague terms. 401 00:27:44,164 --> 00:27:45,732 Johanna... 402 00:27:45,865 --> 00:27:48,635 You think poor Miss Fellworthy stumbled into something, 403 00:27:48,702 --> 00:27:52,238 - and that's why she got killed. - I really can't say. 404 00:27:52,739 --> 00:27:54,874 This is interesting. 405 00:27:54,974 --> 00:27:58,178 Creates quite a market when a painting with a little mystery goes missing. 406 00:27:58,311 --> 00:28:01,915 So much to do. What was the name of Bronwen's college at Oxford? 407 00:28:02,150 --> 00:28:05,719 Johanna, I simply can't. 408 00:28:05,819 --> 00:28:08,855 Right. Sorry. 409 00:28:08,988 --> 00:28:12,580 Oh, golly. Look at the time. I really must be going. 410 00:28:12,192 --> 00:28:14,940 It was lovely to see you, Alastair. 411 00:28:14,227 --> 00:28:17,197 Thank you ever-so-much for letting me confide in you. 412 00:28:17,263 --> 00:28:20,333 I feel that I could share anything with you. 413 00:28:21,101 --> 00:28:23,503 Don't you feel the same? 414 00:28:23,570 --> 00:28:26,106 That you could share with me? 415 00:28:26,239 --> 00:28:27,741 Bronwen's college? 416 00:28:27,841 --> 00:28:30,744 You're rather monstrous. Of course you're aware of that. 417 00:28:30,844 --> 00:28:33,847 - Blackfriar's Hall. - We must do this again. 418 00:28:35,615 --> 00:28:37,584 Hopeless. 419 00:28:43,623 --> 00:28:47,293 Besides being the finest garage man in Western Civilization, 420 00:28:47,427 --> 00:28:52,980 Spinoza was the best art smuggler in the business, 421 00:28:52,232 --> 00:28:57,137 and the eyes and ears of the art world's underbelly. 422 00:28:57,904 --> 00:29:03,760 Hello, Spinoza, you handsome devil! It's a fine day to be alive, what? 423 00:29:03,143 --> 00:29:07,714 You bloody chicken, bloody monkey, so good-for-nothing pot of piss, innit? 424 00:29:07,781 --> 00:29:10,784 Spinoza, you silver-tongued scallywag. 425 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:12,419 What's the matter with you? 426 00:29:12,485 --> 00:29:16,923 You one book short of a library, you maggot? You one megabyte short of a RAM? 427 00:29:17,570 --> 00:29:19,759 The rest was a bit rude, so I won't quote him verbatim. 428 00:29:19,826 --> 00:29:23,797 But what vexed him so was a matter of some overdue bills on the Rolls, 429 00:29:23,897 --> 00:29:28,234 which I had now asked him to package and ship off to America on credit. 430 00:29:28,735 --> 00:29:31,438 You mother-loving *******! Hello. 431 00:29:31,938 --> 00:29:37,177 Right. Spinoza, I did not come here to discuss my relationship with my mother, 432 00:29:37,310 --> 00:29:39,646 nor my relationship to your mother. 433 00:29:39,779 --> 00:29:43,917 No. We have two items of business. Item one: The Rolls-Royce, 434 00:29:43,983 --> 00:29:49,823 which I have reluctantly agreed to sell to that thick-fingered American, Krampf. 435 00:29:49,923 --> 00:29:51,491 Item the second: 436 00:29:51,591 --> 00:29:56,429 I need to ascertain whether any unsavory types have enlisted you 437 00:29:56,463 --> 00:29:59,799 to smuggle a painting out of the country recently. 438 00:29:59,866 --> 00:30:04,938 And for your information, I am holding up 439 00:30:05,500 --> 00:30:08,375 a 50-pound note. 440 00:30:09,175 --> 00:30:10,610 Never mind about that. 441 00:30:10,710 --> 00:30:14,147 You should treat a jam jar car like this 442 00:30:14,214 --> 00:30:17,650 with more respect when you drive it down the frog and toad road. 443 00:30:17,784 --> 00:30:20,553 - It's not some Toyota Clitoris. - No, no. 444 00:30:20,653 --> 00:30:24,357 No! Is a Rolls... The bloody Silver, 445 00:30:24,457 --> 00:30:28,610 the whacking Cloud, the bollock Royce! 446 00:30:28,161 --> 00:30:30,230 Someone shooting at the bloody car! 447 00:30:31,664 --> 00:30:33,500 Someone shooting at me! 448 00:30:43,430 --> 00:30:45,450 I'm armed! 449 00:30:52,185 --> 00:30:55,550 - Oh, Jock! - Yeah. 450 00:30:55,155 --> 00:30:59,893 I should probably mention that this was not the first time I had shot Jock. 451 00:31:00,393 --> 00:31:03,697 Come on, you little *******s. Come out and get it. 452 00:31:14,207 --> 00:31:17,544 Afraid I'm all thumbs with these damn things! 453 00:31:19,546 --> 00:31:22,282 - I believe I've just shot Jock. - Quite. 454 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,218 Man down! Man down! 455 00:31:25,585 --> 00:31:28,540 - Could you give me the gun, please? - This bit? 456 00:31:28,188 --> 00:31:30,457 Yes, most... No, no. 457 00:31:30,590 --> 00:31:32,959 Oh, and poor Spinoza... 458 00:31:33,590 --> 00:31:35,128 You should go, sir, before the shooter circles 'round. 459 00:31:35,261 --> 00:31:38,198 - I'll handle things on this end. - Quite. 460 00:31:38,465 --> 00:31:41,768 - Cover me, as it were? - Yes, sir. 461 00:31:43,370 --> 00:31:46,573 - That's the old feudal spirit, Jock. - Get in. 462 00:31:47,273 --> 00:31:49,750 Oh, dear! 463 00:31:52,912 --> 00:31:55,281 - Oh, Jock. Jock? - Yeah? 464 00:31:55,415 --> 00:31:56,716 The door? Please? 465 00:32:02,155 --> 00:32:05,580 Right. Gosh, it's been ages. 466 00:32:21,408 --> 00:32:22,575 Goodness, that's awkward. 467 00:32:22,642 --> 00:32:25,110 It's all right, sir. It's all right. It's just a cracked rib. 468 00:32:26,579 --> 00:32:28,848 Please, sir, if you wouldn't mind leaving out the back. On foot. 469 00:32:29,516 --> 00:32:31,518 - By myself? - Please, sir. Just leave. 470 00:32:37,230 --> 00:32:40,930 Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear... 471 00:32:41,940 --> 00:32:44,431 - Give me the painting. - What makes you think I have it? 472 00:32:44,597 --> 00:32:45,832 Give me the painting! 473 00:32:47,100 --> 00:32:51,104 That is a superb Hulihee sans sideburn, I must say. 474 00:32:51,271 --> 00:32:54,140 - I was admiring your Franz Joseph. - Oh, thank you very much. 475 00:32:54,808 --> 00:32:57,310 - I'll have it on my wall. - Jock? 476 00:33:00,714 --> 00:33:02,515 Oh, well done. 477 00:33:04,184 --> 00:33:06,152 - What should I do now? - Run, sir! 478 00:33:06,219 --> 00:33:08,855 - Again? - Yes! 479 00:33:11,791 --> 00:33:14,361 Run, I shall, like a bloody gazelle! 480 00:33:14,494 --> 00:33:18,131 The Mortdecai men have always been in tip-top shape, don't you know? 481 00:33:18,231 --> 00:33:20,633 Fit as a fiddle! 482 00:33:31,811 --> 00:33:36,490 Oh, it's burning... I... I can't go on... 483 00:33:40,387 --> 00:33:42,255 Want to die... 484 00:33:42,389 --> 00:33:44,357 No, I don't. 485 00:33:47,727 --> 00:33:49,562 Sir! 486 00:33:49,696 --> 00:33:51,431 I'm on the bonnet! 487 00:33:51,531 --> 00:33:54,340 Get in the car, sir! 488 00:33:56,870 --> 00:33:58,338 I don't like it! 489 00:34:06,780 --> 00:34:08,140 Hello! 490 00:34:16,723 --> 00:34:18,858 Jockie! Advise? 491 00:34:18,958 --> 00:34:22,280 - Get in the back seat, sir! - Okay! 492 00:34:28,935 --> 00:34:30,570 Foreigner! 493 00:34:30,704 --> 00:34:33,573 - No! - Out you go! 494 00:34:43,116 --> 00:34:44,417 Oh, Jock! 495 00:34:44,551 --> 00:34:46,619 Don't worry, sir. I'm all right. I am all right. 496 00:34:46,753 --> 00:34:49,222 No, no, man! My little sproutling. 497 00:34:49,289 --> 00:34:51,291 - What? - Has it been compromised? 498 00:35:03,269 --> 00:35:06,473 - Well done, Jock. - It's a privilege, sir. 499 00:35:06,573 --> 00:35:08,508 Didn't take long for you to make a mess of things. 500 00:35:08,608 --> 00:35:11,144 Oh, you listen here, you do-gooder! 501 00:35:11,277 --> 00:35:15,615 Your Emil Strago just killed my garage man and physically assaulted my person. 502 00:35:15,682 --> 00:35:19,152 - He seems to think that I have the painting. - What have you found? 503 00:35:19,252 --> 00:35:22,756 Well, I will tell you that there is more here than meets the eye. 504 00:35:22,822 --> 00:35:24,657 No painting takes three months to clean, 505 00:35:24,791 --> 00:35:27,861 so I believe that Bronwen was working on the Goya 506 00:35:27,961 --> 00:35:31,164 and discovered something underneath. 507 00:35:31,297 --> 00:35:32,532 I should like to see her studio immediately. 508 00:35:32,665 --> 00:35:35,602 - In the cars, quickly. Maurice, Oxford. - Yes, sir. 509 00:35:45,145 --> 00:35:48,381 I've been helpin' out Miss Fellworthy goin' on five years now. 510 00:35:48,481 --> 00:35:51,618 Just keepin' the place tidy and whatnot. 511 00:35:51,718 --> 00:35:54,454 You have been grossly overcompensated. 512 00:35:54,554 --> 00:35:57,891 - Her lover was no help. - Lover? Bronwen? 513 00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:02,529 Yeah, a Duke. No help whatsoever, randy bugger. 514 00:36:03,463 --> 00:36:07,333 "Love... your... 515 00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:09,469 Bunny." 516 00:36:09,536 --> 00:36:11,738 Love your Bunny? 517 00:36:11,871 --> 00:36:17,477 A child! She spawned a child! The woman bred! What an odious thought. 518 00:36:18,178 --> 00:36:19,512 Don't imbibe the crime scene. 519 00:36:19,579 --> 00:36:23,583 I found her here, sprawled over the table, with an arrow out of her back. 520 00:36:23,683 --> 00:36:26,190 Course you did, man, because the assailant fired from here. 521 00:36:26,860 --> 00:36:28,540 - No, from the window. - With a spear gun. 522 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:30,190 - With a crossbow. - He was left-handed. 523 00:36:30,256 --> 00:36:32,392 Jesus Christ. 524 00:36:33,226 --> 00:36:34,728 Is this how she was found? 525 00:36:34,861 --> 00:36:36,329 - What are you doing? - Oh, no. To the left a bit. 526 00:36:36,429 --> 00:36:38,698 - Like this? - Sorry, I meant to the right. 527 00:36:38,765 --> 00:36:40,700 Like this? Like this? 528 00:36:40,934 --> 00:36:43,169 Are you quite finished buggering around? 529 00:36:43,837 --> 00:36:45,338 No. 530 00:36:45,438 --> 00:36:49,943 Because I have a question for you, old bean. 531 00:36:50,430 --> 00:36:51,444 Will I be given a badge, 532 00:36:51,544 --> 00:36:55,849 nestled in some sort of cheap, leather encasement, just like on telly? 533 00:36:56,249 --> 00:36:57,517 - Maurice? - Sir? 534 00:36:57,584 --> 00:37:00,620 Show him the photographs. Excuse me. 535 00:37:01,588 --> 00:37:03,560 These were found in her camera. 536 00:37:03,423 --> 00:37:05,625 Yeah, like I told the lady earlier today, 537 00:37:05,725 --> 00:37:08,862 Miss Bronwen would take photos of each stage of her work, bless her. 538 00:37:09,429 --> 00:37:11,640 Which lady? 539 00:37:11,970 --> 00:37:14,868 Well, the lady with the hair and brain. 540 00:37:16,770 --> 00:37:21,474 I may have mentioned Bronwen to Johanna at lunch today. 541 00:37:23,943 --> 00:37:26,146 You were luncheoning with my wife? 542 00:37:26,246 --> 00:37:28,815 - Let's look at the photographs. - Yes, let's look at the photographs. 543 00:37:30,116 --> 00:37:32,118 Horrible composition. 544 00:37:32,585 --> 00:37:35,588 Lighting positively medieval. 545 00:37:35,655 --> 00:37:38,725 This one taken by accident, utterly useless... 546 00:37:39,225 --> 00:37:40,760 Hang on a tic. 547 00:37:41,461 --> 00:37:45,465 - That is not your Goya. - What do you mean? 548 00:37:45,598 --> 00:37:49,402 That is not the same painting as the others. 549 00:37:49,502 --> 00:37:52,305 Where have I seen that hand before in the background? 550 00:37:52,405 --> 00:37:55,308 Finger pointing down. Ring. 551 00:37:56,309 --> 00:37:58,411 Good Lord! It couldn't be! 552 00:37:58,511 --> 00:38:01,815 - Couldn't be what? - To the library, chaps! 553 00:38:06,953 --> 00:38:10,290 There has never been an accurate reproduction because... 554 00:38:10,423 --> 00:38:13,259 it vanished after the unveiling, but... 555 00:38:13,526 --> 00:38:19,320 I do remember that there was an etching or some such hint of... There it is. 556 00:38:20,100 --> 00:38:22,268 The Duchess of Wellington. 557 00:38:22,502 --> 00:38:26,940 Bronwen has found the lost Goya. 558 00:38:27,173 --> 00:38:31,711 Goya was commissioned by Charles IV of Spain to paint her in 1792. 559 00:38:31,945 --> 00:38:35,815 She was said to be his greatest masterpiece. 560 00:38:35,882 --> 00:38:37,817 Unfortunately, 561 00:38:37,951 --> 00:38:42,822 she was also said to have been the King's mistress. 562 00:38:42,856 --> 00:38:44,624 The Queen was unamused. 563 00:38:44,824 --> 00:38:48,128 Humiliated, she ordered the painting to be burned. 564 00:38:48,228 --> 00:38:51,831 But instead it was stolen and secreted away. 565 00:38:51,898 --> 00:38:56,903 Some say that Goya himself engineered the theft. 566 00:38:57,904 --> 00:39:02,375 For 200 years, the painting was sought by collectors, 567 00:39:02,409 --> 00:39:06,646 craved by the mighty, and became the stuff of legend. 568 00:39:06,746 --> 00:39:09,516 - And is the legend true? - Does it matter? 569 00:39:09,582 --> 00:39:12,652 The truth is nice, but a rumor is priceless. 570 00:39:12,852 --> 00:39:16,356 What does Strago want with it? If it does exist, it belongs to Spain. 571 00:39:16,423 --> 00:39:18,692 If anyone tried to sell it, they'd be arrested on the spot. 572 00:39:18,825 --> 00:39:22,162 Yes, well, that is where the story gets interesting, you see. 573 00:39:22,262 --> 00:39:27,333 The Duchess pops up again in France in 1943, 574 00:39:27,434 --> 00:39:32,906 looted from some sealed room in an unpronounceable chateau by the jerrys. 575 00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:36,576 Hermann Goering was said to have been obsessed with the painting, 576 00:39:36,710 --> 00:39:39,946 and there are rumors that he inscribed on it 577 00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:44,417 the codes to his numbered Swiss bank account. 578 00:39:44,551 --> 00:39:47,921 Untold riches and all that, what? 579 00:39:48,288 --> 00:39:50,560 But... 580 00:39:50,123 --> 00:39:54,194 when the allies captured Goering... 581 00:39:54,260 --> 00:39:56,863 Out of the way, out of the way. 582 00:39:57,970 --> 00:39:59,699 There was no mention of the painting. 583 00:40:00,734 --> 00:40:04,370 It had vanished once again into history, 584 00:40:04,104 --> 00:40:06,773 and the secret bank accounts along with it. 585 00:40:06,806 --> 00:40:09,909 - What are we talking about here? - Hundreds and hundreds of millions, 586 00:40:09,976 --> 00:40:14,381 surrounded by all that Gruyere, chocolate, and fine wines. 587 00:40:14,447 --> 00:40:16,916 - Well, that's what Emil's after. - The fine wine? 588 00:40:16,983 --> 00:40:20,530 No, the fortune to fund violent worldwide revolution. 589 00:40:20,153 --> 00:40:20,820 Right! 590 00:40:20,954 --> 00:40:24,290 Multiple attacks over the years to come, countless lives are at stake. 591 00:40:24,591 --> 00:40:27,660 - That painting should be destroyed. - Yeah. 592 00:40:27,794 --> 00:40:31,970 Fingers crossed, chaps, you find it first. I'm off for a wee. 593 00:40:34,634 --> 00:40:37,737 Oh, Golly! I have read about this. 594 00:40:40,674 --> 00:40:43,977 I sunk into an uneasy slumber, 595 00:40:44,110 --> 00:40:49,816 interspersed curiously with erotic dreams. 596 00:41:25,318 --> 00:41:28,221 Lady Mortdecai, the Duke is expecting you. 597 00:41:28,555 --> 00:41:30,357 This way. 598 00:41:36,696 --> 00:41:40,233 Her Lady Mortdecai to see you, Your Grace. 599 00:41:40,333 --> 00:41:42,836 The Duke of Asherboroughdon. 600 00:41:42,902 --> 00:41:45,472 Your Grace. So kind of you to see me. 601 00:41:45,505 --> 00:41:49,750 Lady Mortdecai. 602 00:41:50,176 --> 00:41:53,813 You'll forgive me just a moment, I'm sure? 603 00:41:53,913 --> 00:41:55,749 Of course. 604 00:42:00,687 --> 00:42:03,560 Lady Mortdecai. 605 00:42:04,724 --> 00:42:10,630 Johnson! Who is this woman Mortdecai and what does she want? 606 00:42:10,163 --> 00:42:13,660 Well, I don't know. I don't know. Why wasn't I told? 607 00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:16,403 She's so damned attractive. 608 00:42:16,770 --> 00:42:19,406 Hello? Hello? 609 00:42:24,511 --> 00:42:26,546 Water bailiff. 610 00:42:26,680 --> 00:42:31,217 Had to speak to the water bailiff about my water. 611 00:42:31,284 --> 00:42:33,787 Fishing tomorrow, you know. 612 00:42:33,887 --> 00:42:35,955 Hate it. Sit. 613 00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:38,458 Bloody nuisance. 614 00:42:39,859 --> 00:42:43,797 Your Grace, I... I understand you were close with Bronwen Fellworthy. 615 00:42:43,897 --> 00:42:46,633 - Yes. - I'm very sorry. 616 00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:50,737 Her gardener gave me your name, and I wondered... 617 00:42:50,804 --> 00:42:53,640 The painting she was working on in the end... 618 00:42:54,307 --> 00:42:55,241 What? 619 00:42:56,476 --> 00:42:58,445 No, I can't understand a word she says. 620 00:42:58,578 --> 00:43:02,449 I've been trying to get rid of her, but she's so damned attractive. 621 00:43:02,949 --> 00:43:04,417 Sorry. You were saying? 622 00:43:04,484 --> 00:43:07,887 - You served in the War then, Your Grace? - Poor old gal. 623 00:43:07,987 --> 00:43:12,392 Done to death with malice aforethought and so forth. 624 00:43:12,792 --> 00:43:14,661 Poor Bronwen. 625 00:43:15,161 --> 00:43:17,397 The painting, Your Grace. 626 00:43:18,498 --> 00:43:21,768 Did she ever mention The Duchess of Wellington? 627 00:43:21,901 --> 00:43:24,104 Oh. Beautiful woman. 628 00:43:24,170 --> 00:43:27,340 - Bronwen? - Must to the lavatory. 629 00:43:27,474 --> 00:43:32,445 Would you care to come and take a peek at it? 630 00:43:34,280 --> 00:43:38,318 An exquisite invitation, Your Grace, but I'm afraid I must decline. 631 00:43:38,418 --> 00:43:41,254 - Let's get back to the Duchess. - Bunny has it. 632 00:43:41,354 --> 00:43:44,691 - I beg your pardon? - During the War. Nazi *******s. 633 00:43:44,824 --> 00:43:47,994 Bunny rolled it up in a carpet and didn't tell a soul. 634 00:43:48,940 --> 00:43:51,664 - Bunny is a soldier in your unit? - 7th Army, 2nd Division. 635 00:43:51,798 --> 00:43:55,201 Captured Goering. First man in the room. 636 00:43:55,335 --> 00:43:57,637 Do you think that Bunny still has the painting now? 637 00:43:57,704 --> 00:44:00,600 Must to the W.C. 638 00:44:01,541 --> 00:44:03,843 Do have a look? 639 00:44:04,144 --> 00:44:06,680 I'm afraid I must be going, Your Grace. 640 00:44:07,280 --> 00:44:09,182 Thank you very much for your time. 641 00:44:10,216 --> 00:44:12,686 And you are? 642 00:44:13,620 --> 00:44:18,358 The water bailiff, Your Grace. Fishing tomorrow's been cancelled. 643 00:44:21,227 --> 00:44:22,696 Thank heaven. 644 00:44:34,174 --> 00:44:36,876 What's that? Funny. 645 00:44:46,186 --> 00:44:49,389 Right. I demand some explanations. 646 00:44:49,489 --> 00:44:52,492 No, no. Change that. I need a restorative. 647 00:44:52,592 --> 00:44:54,394 How 'bout some finger sandwiches? 648 00:44:54,494 --> 00:44:57,831 Just the usual, you know. Egg cress, prawn mayonnaise, 649 00:44:57,864 --> 00:45:02,350 possibly a gallon of your finest whisky just to start the day properly. 650 00:45:02,102 --> 00:45:03,737 You know how it is, gentlemen. 651 00:45:05,705 --> 00:45:07,741 Oh, I see. 652 00:45:10,777 --> 00:45:12,746 Actually, make that caviar. 653 00:45:12,846 --> 00:45:16,683 Some warmed blinis, creme fraiche, boiled egg whites, 654 00:45:16,783 --> 00:45:20,620 and vodka so ice cold you need gloves to handle it. 655 00:45:21,540 --> 00:45:23,556 And don't forget the herringbone spoon. 656 00:45:23,623 --> 00:45:26,726 We're not savages, after all, are we? 657 00:45:28,762 --> 00:45:30,530 Welcome to Russia, Mr. Mortdecai. 658 00:45:31,798 --> 00:45:34,567 - And you are? - Roman Romanov. 659 00:45:34,901 --> 00:45:38,380 Romanov. Sir Graham's client. 660 00:45:38,104 --> 00:45:40,373 So I have him to thank for this. 661 00:45:42,909 --> 00:45:45,145 Oh, that's unpleasant. 662 00:45:45,278 --> 00:45:47,414 Where's the Goya? 663 00:45:47,480 --> 00:45:49,883 - I don't know. - But you know about art. 664 00:45:49,983 --> 00:45:53,486 A bit. You have a Turner of the Loire, which cannot be right 665 00:45:53,586 --> 00:45:56,923 because the original is hanging in the D'Orsay. Terribly sorry. 666 00:45:57,570 --> 00:46:00,326 A magnificent Callow of about 1840, 667 00:46:00,427 --> 00:46:03,463 a polychrome James Bourne, rare, 668 00:46:03,596 --> 00:46:07,500 a pair of rather flashy Varleys from his last period, 669 00:46:07,634 --> 00:46:11,104 and the finest Edridge I have ever seen. 670 00:46:11,171 --> 00:46:14,740 Yes. Where is the Goya? 671 00:46:14,240 --> 00:46:17,944 Well, where is the last place you saw it? Have you looked under your couch? 672 00:46:18,780 --> 00:46:20,513 Yeah, because when I've lost something, sometimes I say to myself, 673 00:46:20,613 --> 00:46:22,615 "Charlie, where could it be?" 674 00:46:23,850 --> 00:46:27,954 God! That wasn't nice! 675 00:46:28,210 --> 00:46:30,156 Oh, no! No. 676 00:46:30,256 --> 00:46:33,593 For 17 years, I pursued this painting. You know why? 677 00:46:33,660 --> 00:46:36,663 Because I want, I will have. 678 00:46:38,431 --> 00:46:43,136 This will be easier and much less painful if you please to tell me. 679 00:46:43,269 --> 00:46:44,838 Where is the painting? 680 00:46:44,938 --> 00:46:47,774 But why does everyone seem to think... 681 00:46:49,976 --> 00:46:54,470 Oh! You pretended to be gentle, but you weren't! 682 00:46:54,147 --> 00:46:56,649 Milton Krampf tells everyone he is getting painting. 683 00:46:56,783 --> 00:46:58,985 You're his dealer, so you have painting! 684 00:46:59,190 --> 00:47:01,855 I am very sorry. I simply don't know. 685 00:47:01,955 --> 00:47:06,960 Dmitri, please to fetch 12-volt high-tension car battery. 686 00:47:07,527 --> 00:47:10,530 I am afraid you are barking up the wrong Englishman, comrade. 687 00:47:10,663 --> 00:47:13,967 Vladimir, please to take Mr. Mortdecai's trousers down. 688 00:47:16,569 --> 00:47:18,905 Perhaps we can work something out. 689 00:47:19,390 --> 00:47:23,900 What if I find it for you? Say, 30% finder's fee, what? 690 00:47:23,143 --> 00:47:24,577 Open your balls. 691 00:47:27,681 --> 00:47:30,884 I shan't! What does that even mean? 692 00:47:33,586 --> 00:47:35,880 I'll go to 20. 693 00:47:36,423 --> 00:47:37,424 Balls. 694 00:47:38,558 --> 00:47:41,940 10% seems exploitive! 695 00:47:43,229 --> 00:47:45,231 That's not cricket! 696 00:47:50,360 --> 00:47:52,720 Oh, Jock... 697 00:47:55,575 --> 00:47:59,879 Jump! Oh, dear, sweet, resourceful Jock. 698 00:48:00,413 --> 00:48:01,715 It's my manservant. 699 00:48:01,781 --> 00:48:04,451 It appears he's requesting my immediate self-defenestration. 700 00:48:09,956 --> 00:48:11,191 Balls! 701 00:48:12,859 --> 00:48:14,728 Forgive me, Vladimir. 702 00:48:18,365 --> 00:48:19,699 No balls. 703 00:48:23,470 --> 00:48:26,539 Thank you so much, Vladimir. 704 00:48:27,207 --> 00:48:29,242 Oh, I see... 705 00:48:30,410 --> 00:48:34,381 - Hello! I'm outside. - Come on, sir. 706 00:48:34,447 --> 00:48:37,484 - I wish to use your telephone! - Head toward the bike. 707 00:48:37,617 --> 00:48:40,453 Oh, I love motorcycles. They're very fast. 708 00:48:40,553 --> 00:48:42,589 - Sir? Sir? - What, Jock? 709 00:48:42,655 --> 00:48:44,557 Your trousers. It's a little unseemly. 710 00:48:44,624 --> 00:48:47,394 The trousers... Jock, you know, it's entirely possible... 711 00:48:47,460 --> 00:48:49,129 - ...that I've bumped my head... - You think? 712 00:48:49,262 --> 00:48:53,133 Have you heard the expression, "Open your balls"? 713 00:48:53,233 --> 00:48:56,302 - No, sir. - It made me feel dirty. 714 00:49:01,975 --> 00:49:03,977 Hang on, sir! 715 00:49:11,317 --> 00:49:13,453 Bloody good show, Jock! 716 00:49:13,653 --> 00:49:15,255 You really are a cut above! 717 00:49:17,900 --> 00:49:18,825 Where would you like to go, sir? 718 00:49:18,958 --> 00:49:24,264 The only safe ground is English soil. To the Embassy, chop-chop. 719 00:49:25,165 --> 00:49:26,700 Jock? 720 00:49:27,767 --> 00:49:29,169 Keep your head down, sir! 721 00:49:32,339 --> 00:49:33,773 - Hang on, sir! - Okay! 722 00:49:35,141 --> 00:49:36,176 - Jock? - Yes, sir? 723 00:49:36,276 --> 00:49:39,346 - Will it be all right in the end? - I couldn't say, sir! 724 00:49:48,388 --> 00:49:50,857 No, not the stairs! 725 00:49:56,730 --> 00:49:59,650 A bit of noise, sir! 726 00:49:59,966 --> 00:50:01,901 There we go! 727 00:50:14,381 --> 00:50:18,318 - Oh, it was dashed exhilarating. - Where to, sir? 728 00:50:18,385 --> 00:50:20,420 Well, it was long ago, and she was underage, 729 00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:22,655 but I do believe the embassy is that way. 730 00:50:22,756 --> 00:50:25,225 - Right you are, sir. - Right. 731 00:50:25,425 --> 00:50:27,930 - Jockie? - Yes, sir? 732 00:50:27,327 --> 00:50:30,300 - "Open your balls"? - I have no idea. 733 00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:33,867 Is it that you actually know and don't want to tell me? 734 00:50:33,933 --> 00:50:35,100 Yes, sir. 735 00:50:37,837 --> 00:50:40,400 They've got him. Ambassador's residence in Moscow. 736 00:50:40,173 --> 00:50:41,708 They're putting him on the next flight to Heathrow. 737 00:50:41,775 --> 00:50:44,678 - Thank you. - And his wife is on line six for you. 738 00:50:45,780 --> 00:50:47,180 Thank you! 739 00:50:48,381 --> 00:50:50,417 Thank you, Maurice. 740 00:50:50,850 --> 00:50:52,385 Maurice? 741 00:50:53,190 --> 00:50:54,421 Shut the door. 742 00:50:54,754 --> 00:50:56,256 Yes, sir. 743 00:50:59,590 --> 00:51:01,594 Hello, Johanna. We've found him. He's on his way home. 744 00:51:02,950 --> 00:51:06,266 Thank heavens. This place is an absolute mausoleum on one's own. 745 00:51:06,399 --> 00:51:08,902 - Do you feel unsafe? - A bit. 746 00:51:08,968 --> 00:51:10,870 I could park outside for the night. 747 00:51:11,104 --> 00:51:14,441 Oh, I couldn't ask. But how about tomorrow? 748 00:51:14,574 --> 00:51:17,143 Do come in, of course. Say, 8:00? 749 00:51:17,377 --> 00:51:19,612 You, me, and Charlie? 750 00:51:19,713 --> 00:51:23,483 Well, of course, Alastair. Wouldn't do, the two of us here alone, would it? 751 00:51:24,884 --> 00:51:27,620 No, I suppose not. Still... 752 00:51:27,754 --> 00:51:30,256 if he can't make it, he can't make it. 753 00:51:31,570 --> 00:51:32,592 May I bring anything? 754 00:51:32,659 --> 00:51:34,394 Perhaps there is something you could bring. 755 00:51:34,661 --> 00:51:35,829 A bottle of Chardonnay? 756 00:51:35,929 --> 00:51:38,264 A complete regimental listing of the British 7th Army, 757 00:51:38,398 --> 00:51:40,934 2nd Division, June of 1945. 758 00:51:42,502 --> 00:51:45,171 - Very well, Johanna. - 'Til tomorrow. Ta! 759 00:51:49,242 --> 00:51:52,812 Well, maybe he won't be able to make it. 760 00:52:07,293 --> 00:52:09,662 - Uppy, uppy, Jock! - You are uppy, sir. 761 00:52:09,763 --> 00:52:12,799 Am I? Where are we? 762 00:52:13,166 --> 00:52:16,169 You should see the other fellow. 763 00:52:17,470 --> 00:52:19,639 The fact that you're as drunk as a fiddler's ***** 764 00:52:19,706 --> 00:52:24,277 in no way obviates the fact that you very nearly caused an international incident. 765 00:52:24,344 --> 00:52:28,682 A man your age has no excuse for looking or behaving like a fugitive 766 00:52:28,815 --> 00:52:32,886 from a home for alcoholic music hall artistes. 767 00:52:32,986 --> 00:52:35,655 I will have you know that I am not an alcoholic. 768 00:52:35,722 --> 00:52:39,225 I am a drunk, and there is a vast difference. 769 00:52:39,359 --> 00:52:42,729 In my defense, I was not drinking until the plane. 770 00:52:42,862 --> 00:52:44,898 - And in the car, sir. - And a bit in the car. 771 00:52:45,310 --> 00:52:49,969 - And the Ambassador's residence. - And at the Ambassador's residence. 772 00:52:50,700 --> 00:52:54,641 The only advice I offer is you do not apply to another of our embassies for help 773 00:52:54,741 --> 00:52:59,346 if and when you outrage the laws of the United States, once you are there. 774 00:52:59,479 --> 00:53:02,150 Stop! Stop! 775 00:53:02,820 --> 00:53:05,185 Are you suggesting that I go to the Colonies? 776 00:53:05,251 --> 00:53:08,540 Perish the vile thought. I couldn't possibly. 777 00:53:08,154 --> 00:53:12,258 The sale of your Rolls-Royce to Krampf will offer you a perfect cover. 778 00:53:12,392 --> 00:53:14,494 Find out if he's got that painting. 779 00:53:14,561 --> 00:53:17,330 Get behind the gates of his estate and poke around a bit. 780 00:53:17,897 --> 00:53:21,234 The car has been loaded upon a cargo flight to Los Angeles, 781 00:53:21,334 --> 00:53:24,704 and is halfway across the Atlantic. You will follow. 782 00:53:24,738 --> 00:53:27,374 California? Oh, icky! 783 00:53:27,674 --> 00:53:31,711 Your bags have been packed and checked, and your flight leaves... Now. 784 00:53:31,778 --> 00:53:33,913 On your feet, soldier. 785 00:53:35,215 --> 00:53:36,449 Hang on to me. 786 00:53:38,218 --> 00:53:42,622 I should like to ring my wife because she's probably quite worried about me. 787 00:53:42,756 --> 00:53:47,293 Oh, don't worry about her. I've been keeping her filled in. 788 00:53:48,962 --> 00:53:51,231 I say, old bean! 789 00:53:51,297 --> 00:53:53,533 Go to America and see Krampf. 790 00:53:53,600 --> 00:53:58,304 Do what it takes to bring the painting back, and leave Johanna to me. 791 00:54:12,419 --> 00:54:15,922 Jock? Come here. 792 00:54:16,423 --> 00:54:17,757 I'm frightened. 793 00:54:17,824 --> 00:54:22,429 Do you think that Johanna is thawing on the subject of the moustache? 794 00:54:26,800 --> 00:54:28,268 Hi. 795 00:54:28,334 --> 00:54:29,936 Hello. 796 00:54:32,272 --> 00:54:35,800 Sorry, there was a queue. 797 00:54:37,844 --> 00:54:39,813 Good God, man! 798 00:54:40,680 --> 00:54:43,950 Jockie! Focus, man! 799 00:54:44,170 --> 00:54:46,319 There are but five days to insolvency. 800 00:54:46,419 --> 00:54:49,255 - Two, sir. - No, today's, what, Monday? 801 00:54:49,356 --> 00:54:52,826 - Thursday, sir. - Well done. Carry on. 802 00:55:27,827 --> 00:55:31,197 Jock. Dear, sweet, sperm-heavy Jock. 803 00:55:31,297 --> 00:55:34,367 Behold this America, this new colossus, this fair land of the free! 804 00:55:34,734 --> 00:55:36,302 Checking in? 805 00:55:36,369 --> 00:55:40,730 I am Mortdecai, Lord of Silverdale. 806 00:55:40,173 --> 00:55:44,911 I should like to request a bucket of ice, "Do Not Disturb" sign, and a bulldozer. 807 00:55:46,346 --> 00:55:49,820 - Checking in? - Yeah, we're checking in. 808 00:55:49,582 --> 00:55:52,385 I suspect I may need to redecorate. 809 00:55:52,719 --> 00:55:54,854 Room 326, overlooks the pool. 810 00:55:55,655 --> 00:55:58,758 So all I must do is show up, 811 00:55:58,858 --> 00:56:01,561 and I'm presented with a credit card. 812 00:56:01,695 --> 00:56:04,564 No wonder your country's in financial ruin. 813 00:56:04,698 --> 00:56:06,733 Do you need help with your bags? 814 00:56:06,833 --> 00:56:11,338 No, I do not need help with my bags. I have a ****ing manservant. 815 00:56:11,705 --> 00:56:13,273 Strange country. 816 00:56:24,417 --> 00:56:26,219 Hello. 817 00:56:31,591 --> 00:56:33,930 Hold it. 818 00:56:35,362 --> 00:56:36,896 Thanks. 819 00:56:39,299 --> 00:56:41,670 Hey. 820 00:56:41,134 --> 00:56:42,736 Hello... 821 00:56:51,578 --> 00:56:53,113 Hello? 822 00:56:53,380 --> 00:56:56,983 Apple of my eye. The love of my life. 823 00:56:57,117 --> 00:56:59,819 Everything here makes me think of you. 824 00:57:00,530 --> 00:57:02,880 Who is this? 825 00:57:03,456 --> 00:57:07,894 It is I, your beloved. Your husband, Charlie. 826 00:57:07,961 --> 00:57:09,429 Where are you? 827 00:57:09,496 --> 00:57:12,732 Oh, a terribly vulgar place called Los Angeles. 828 00:57:12,832 --> 00:57:15,168 Apparently located in the far West colonies. 829 00:57:15,268 --> 00:57:17,103 Well, what are you doing there? 830 00:57:17,137 --> 00:57:20,774 Well, I'm delivering the Rolls to that grotesque Milton Krampf 831 00:57:20,907 --> 00:57:23,843 and retrieving a certain something in the process. 832 00:57:23,977 --> 00:57:27,514 Stay away from Krampf's daughter. She's a well-known nymphomaniac. 833 00:57:28,181 --> 00:57:30,617 Is she? How do you know such things? 834 00:57:30,750 --> 00:57:33,353 Johanna, we seem to be out of ice. Should I send for some? 835 00:57:33,453 --> 00:57:35,255 It's my husband on the line. 836 00:57:35,321 --> 00:57:38,291 Oh, is he still alive? Has he got the painting yet? 837 00:57:44,297 --> 00:57:48,368 Never mind. I've found a cold Latour which we might enjoy... 838 00:57:49,502 --> 00:57:51,504 Johanna? 839 00:57:52,205 --> 00:57:53,473 Oh, balls. 840 00:57:54,474 --> 00:57:59,279 Jock and I set off to deliver the Rolls to my client, Milton Krampf. 841 00:57:59,879 --> 00:58:02,816 Ruthless billionaire, art collector, 842 00:58:02,882 --> 00:58:07,220 and the rumored possessor of the lost Goya. 843 00:58:07,320 --> 00:58:09,489 I was hot on the scent, 844 00:58:09,622 --> 00:58:13,660 and a teensy bit curious about his nympho daughter. 845 00:58:20,633 --> 00:58:22,669 Yes... Right. 846 00:58:23,169 --> 00:58:26,740 We must secure the painting, escape this nightmare posthaste 847 00:58:26,840 --> 00:58:28,742 and you should interrupt me as soon as you can. 848 00:58:28,842 --> 00:58:30,430 Yes, sir. 849 00:58:36,149 --> 00:58:38,585 Lucky saddle. 850 00:58:40,420 --> 00:58:46,260 Yes! The fine life-giving drinks tray manifests itself. 851 00:58:46,159 --> 00:58:49,496 - A mint julep, sir. - Anything will do, I thank you. 852 00:58:49,596 --> 00:58:51,364 I'm Georgina Krampf. 853 00:58:51,498 --> 00:58:53,600 Oh! How do you do? 854 00:58:59,272 --> 00:59:00,607 You must be Mortdecai. 855 00:59:00,907 --> 00:59:04,678 Yes, indeed I am he. 856 00:59:05,745 --> 00:59:08,381 Are you not having a little something to drink? 857 00:59:08,448 --> 00:59:11,885 No, I never drink alcohol. I don't like to blunt my senses. 858 00:59:12,850 --> 00:59:14,540 How awful. 859 00:59:14,187 --> 00:59:16,189 Oh, I feel wonderful. 860 00:59:17,524 --> 00:59:19,359 Feel me. 861 00:59:19,859 --> 00:59:21,895 Feel? Oh. 862 00:59:23,797 --> 00:59:24,731 The Rolls. 863 00:59:51,257 --> 00:59:52,959 So, I was a mule! 864 00:59:53,590 --> 00:59:55,161 Right. You know, Bronwen called me when she discovered the Goya, 865 00:59:55,295 --> 00:59:57,797 and I called Spinoza, and then he arranged for everything, 866 00:59:57,897 --> 01:00:01,000 including the smuggling of the painting in your Rolls. 867 01:00:01,134 --> 01:00:03,103 Yes, but someone found out about the plan, 868 01:00:03,169 --> 01:00:07,107 and now Bronwen is as stiff as my Uncle Richard's hatband. 869 01:00:07,140 --> 01:00:10,276 - Art restoring is a nasty business. - You are a nasty business, sir. 870 01:00:10,343 --> 01:00:12,679 Just look at her. Isn't she a beauty? 871 01:00:12,779 --> 01:00:15,315 - Yes, she is. - My God... 872 01:00:15,415 --> 01:00:17,417 - She's exquisite. - So good... 873 01:00:17,517 --> 01:00:22,255 The expert brushstrokes, the smooth lines... 874 01:00:22,355 --> 01:00:25,191 Doesn't she look like my mother? Can you see a resemblance? 875 01:00:25,291 --> 01:00:27,270 I never met your mother. 876 01:00:27,127 --> 01:00:30,864 No, not in her, in me. She's got prominent lips like me... 877 01:00:30,964 --> 01:00:33,700 and those far-searching eyes... Don't you think so? 878 01:00:33,800 --> 01:00:35,702 Oh, yes. Do you mind? 879 01:00:38,705 --> 01:00:41,675 I was just looking for something... 880 01:00:42,342 --> 01:00:44,377 else. 881 01:00:47,130 --> 01:00:48,281 Okay. 882 01:00:48,481 --> 01:00:51,484 Branspath? Okay. Thank you so much. 883 01:00:51,618 --> 01:00:53,486 - In my study, please. - Very good, sir. 884 01:00:53,620 --> 01:00:56,220 Thank you. No hard feelings. 885 01:00:56,156 --> 01:00:59,459 I hope you'll stay with me tonight. I'm throwing a party. 886 01:00:59,526 --> 01:01:01,227 I'm gonna unveil the Duchess, 887 01:01:01,327 --> 01:01:05,565 and watch every art world snob in town drool all over her. 888 01:01:05,699 --> 01:01:08,635 We'll have your things sent over from the hotel. Go upstairs and freshen up. 889 01:01:08,702 --> 01:01:11,137 You smell like a horse! And if you're quick about it, 890 01:01:11,204 --> 01:01:14,407 you might have time to couple with Georgina before dinner. 891 01:01:14,507 --> 01:01:16,710 She's been through half the staff already. 892 01:01:29,220 --> 01:01:30,924 Sir, you're staring at your liquor. 893 01:01:32,359 --> 01:01:34,527 So I am. 894 01:01:34,661 --> 01:01:38,665 Jock, I fear we are in the eleventh hour, man. 895 01:01:38,898 --> 01:01:43,703 Our very future rests on getting our hands on that blasted painting. 896 01:01:43,770 --> 01:01:47,540 And therefore it's imperative that we devise a plan. 897 01:01:47,607 --> 01:01:50,377 And it will have to be a fiendishly clever plan. 898 01:01:50,510 --> 01:01:53,747 - Well, sir... I've been thinking... - And I mean dizzyingly complex, 899 01:01:53,847 --> 01:01:56,160 replete with feints and distractions 900 01:01:56,116 --> 01:01:59,185 and calibrated movements of the Swiss watch type. 901 01:01:59,252 --> 01:02:01,388 What? Thoughts? 902 01:02:01,721 --> 01:02:04,758 During the party, we steal it while no one's looking. 903 01:02:07,594 --> 01:02:10,630 Ingenious. Once again? 904 01:02:11,865 --> 01:02:15,568 You go down, get your face seen a bit... 905 01:02:15,702 --> 01:02:18,705 then you meet me 'round the back later, we climb up the side of the building, 906 01:02:18,772 --> 01:02:21,608 break through the window, grab the painting. 907 01:02:22,750 --> 01:02:24,477 Oh, diabolical. 908 01:02:25,745 --> 01:02:27,480 Let's review it a few more times, shall we? 909 01:02:27,614 --> 01:02:29,482 It's just the old smash-and-grab routine, sir. 910 01:02:29,616 --> 01:02:34,870 Of course it is. This is just the old smash-and-grab business. 911 01:02:34,220 --> 01:02:35,722 Smash-and-grab. 912 01:02:36,560 --> 01:02:37,791 - Jock? - Yes, sir? 913 01:02:37,891 --> 01:02:40,293 - I am so very proud of you. - Thank you, sir. 914 01:02:40,427 --> 01:02:41,661 - And, Jock? - Yes, sir? 915 01:02:41,795 --> 01:02:44,264 - You know, I've always been fond of you. - Thank you, sir. 916 01:02:44,297 --> 01:02:45,331 - Jock? - Yup? 917 01:02:45,465 --> 01:02:48,968 - Will it be all right in the end? - How the **** should I know? 918 01:03:11,157 --> 01:03:12,959 Unremarkable. 919 01:03:20,633 --> 01:03:24,170 Keep the Englishman busy. I create distraction. 920 01:03:24,304 --> 01:03:26,306 No problem. 921 01:03:39,185 --> 01:03:40,530 Have me. 922 01:03:40,186 --> 01:03:44,240 Oh, my dear, I'm so tired. And so married and so tired. 923 01:03:47,694 --> 01:03:50,997 Darling! Whatever brings you here? 924 01:03:51,398 --> 01:03:54,701 This is not a breast in my hand! 925 01:03:55,201 --> 01:03:59,572 I was unhappy with our last conversation, so I got on the next plane. Surprised? 926 01:03:59,806 --> 01:04:02,542 Oh, pleasantly. 927 01:04:03,900 --> 01:04:05,450 Aren't you going to introduce us? 928 01:04:05,178 --> 01:04:08,815 Johanna, my dear, this is Milton Krampf's nymph... 929 01:04:08,915 --> 01:04:10,817 Daughter Georgina. 930 01:04:10,917 --> 01:04:16,423 And she was, well, we were having a discussion about three... 931 01:04:17,570 --> 01:04:20,600 Sometimes, you know, how it's like a... 932 01:04:28,100 --> 01:04:30,770 My, my, look at the time! 933 01:04:33,940 --> 01:04:35,208 Carry on! 934 01:04:43,450 --> 01:04:46,386 A beast... A beast... 935 01:04:50,423 --> 01:04:54,961 Yes, yes, yes. Good hungry doggie... 936 01:04:55,950 --> 01:04:57,697 Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie... 937 01:04:57,764 --> 01:05:01,301 Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie... 938 01:05:11,778 --> 01:05:13,790 I met a beast... 939 01:05:13,146 --> 01:05:14,714 Krampf's window is the second one on the left. 940 01:05:14,781 --> 01:05:18,618 - No, no. I met a beast! - Get on that ladder! 941 01:05:18,885 --> 01:05:23,556 And what, pray tell, might you be doing whilst I'm engaged in thus heroics? 942 01:05:24,900 --> 01:05:26,726 Beast! Beast! Beast... 943 01:05:32,980 --> 01:05:36,102 How I long for the rain and indifference of Europe. 944 01:05:36,169 --> 01:05:39,139 - Well done, Jock! - It's a privilege, sir! 945 01:05:51,418 --> 01:05:52,819 Well then, Mr. Krampf. 946 01:05:52,852 --> 01:05:56,589 I suppose since you're here and I'm here, 947 01:05:56,656 --> 01:05:58,324 it's time for you and I to talk turkey. 948 01:06:09,602 --> 01:06:10,503 Oh, I see. 949 01:06:14,941 --> 01:06:16,843 Oh, I see. 950 01:06:18,378 --> 01:06:22,449 Bad news for you, Strago. There are no bank codes on that painting. 951 01:06:22,982 --> 01:06:27,120 I think we both know that there are. Invisible ink, no? 952 01:06:27,220 --> 01:06:28,888 Stop right there! 953 01:06:29,356 --> 01:06:31,324 Sit down. Sit! 954 01:06:31,458 --> 01:06:34,861 I... I warn you, Georgina. You have no idea what you're getting involved with. 955 01:06:34,961 --> 01:06:37,831 Despite his man purse, Strago is very dangerous. 956 01:06:37,897 --> 01:06:41,868 - Darling, they are in cahoots. - How do you know? 957 01:06:41,968 --> 01:06:44,537 Oh, that's gross! 958 01:06:44,971 --> 01:06:46,506 We are in love. 959 01:06:46,639 --> 01:06:48,375 Drop the gun! 960 01:06:48,842 --> 01:06:49,976 Emil! 961 01:06:50,430 --> 01:06:51,978 - Alastair! - Do it now! 962 01:06:59,219 --> 01:07:02,922 Good show, Martland! Bit redundant, really, as he's dead. 963 01:07:03,560 --> 01:07:06,192 - Alastair, what are you doing here? - I followed you. 964 01:07:06,259 --> 01:07:09,496 Wouldn't do to have you walking into all this mess on your own, now, would it? 965 01:07:09,562 --> 01:07:11,264 Jock, give me the painting. 966 01:07:11,364 --> 01:07:14,334 - Sit down! - Drop the knife! I will shoot you. 967 01:07:14,434 --> 01:07:16,336 Yes, most likely by accident. 968 01:07:16,403 --> 01:07:19,406 None of you will ever know what it's like to make love to a man with principles. 969 01:07:19,539 --> 01:07:21,941 Well, in my case, I can safely say you are correct. 970 01:07:22,750 --> 01:07:25,450 However, I never went to Eton where buggery is rampant. 971 01:07:25,178 --> 01:07:26,913 Oh, you were at Eton, weren't you, Martland? 972 01:07:27,130 --> 01:07:29,916 Yes, yes, I was. Yes, I was! 973 01:07:41,795 --> 01:07:44,264 Please don't be sick! Please don't be sick! 974 01:07:44,964 --> 01:07:46,299 It's the shellfish! 975 01:07:47,634 --> 01:07:49,602 - You have it? Do you have it? - Go! Go! 976 01:07:49,736 --> 01:07:52,238 I go, I go, I go! 977 01:07:52,972 --> 01:07:54,400 Valet! 978 01:07:54,774 --> 01:07:57,744 - Oh, I don't like that. I don't like it. - Close your eyes, sir. 979 01:07:57,811 --> 01:08:01,147 - Give me the keys. Keys to the Rolls. - Come on, let's go. 980 01:08:01,247 --> 01:08:03,316 Well, at least none of us had the shellfish. 981 01:08:09,155 --> 01:08:11,224 Jock, please! 982 01:08:11,991 --> 01:08:14,127 My sympathetic gag reflex. 983 01:08:14,260 --> 01:08:18,264 Have you lost your bearings, man? Shellfish at a catered affair? 984 01:08:28,641 --> 01:08:32,779 I will have you two know that I had a firm grasp on things before you showed up. 985 01:08:32,912 --> 01:08:35,415 You certainly had a firm grasp on something! 986 01:08:35,515 --> 01:08:38,184 You dare to cast aspersions? 987 01:08:38,318 --> 01:08:42,355 I am not the one entertaining at all hours with a failed poet! 988 01:08:50,263 --> 01:08:52,665 At least my focus at university wasn't plagiarism! 989 01:08:52,799 --> 01:08:54,868 Oh, stay out of it! 990 01:08:58,471 --> 01:09:01,941 Oh, I've got a sensitive tummy! There's more, there's more, there's more. 991 01:09:02,800 --> 01:09:04,544 - No more, no more, no more. - I swallowed it. 992 01:09:06,479 --> 01:09:08,948 At least I have the good taste to hide my indiscretions 993 01:09:09,150 --> 01:09:10,850 and not parade them under everyone's nose! 994 01:09:10,984 --> 01:09:13,853 - So you admit there were indiscretions? - I admit nothing! 995 01:09:13,987 --> 01:09:15,955 - Then I deny nothing. - Oh, shut up! 996 01:09:31,237 --> 01:09:34,507 Questionable attack, Jock. Spirited, though. 997 01:09:34,974 --> 01:09:36,900 I'm done. 998 01:10:11,110 --> 01:10:12,612 - There's their car! - Where? 999 01:10:12,746 --> 01:10:14,247 There! 1000 01:10:16,950 --> 01:10:21,221 Now we wait. Thirty seconds. Twenty-nine... 1001 01:10:21,287 --> 01:10:23,857 - Twenty-eight... - Don't count. 1002 01:10:29,696 --> 01:10:32,699 Better out than in. All right. 1003 01:10:33,867 --> 01:10:35,802 I shall secure the perimeter. 1004 01:10:35,935 --> 01:10:38,805 Why, this is an outrage! There's not an ocean vista 1005 01:10:38,938 --> 01:10:41,708 - within miles of this establishment. - Please don't be tiresome. Jock! 1006 01:10:41,775 --> 01:10:45,445 Are you quite finished with your barrage of insults? 1007 01:10:49,115 --> 01:10:53,620 Now we heat the surface, reveal the codes and transfer the money. 1008 01:10:53,753 --> 01:10:55,789 Get the blowtorch. 1009 01:11:16,309 --> 01:11:18,110 Nobody make a move. 1010 01:11:18,144 --> 01:11:22,150 I really wouldn't, you know, he's trained and ***ually frustrated. 1011 01:11:22,148 --> 01:11:25,418 Those bank codes won't fall into the wrong hands again. 1012 01:11:25,518 --> 01:11:27,654 - Back away from the painting. - Oh, don't do that! 1013 01:11:27,754 --> 01:11:29,656 - For heaven's sake. - For England! 1014 01:11:36,290 --> 01:11:37,530 Oh, dear. 1015 01:11:39,432 --> 01:11:41,968 - Everyone out! - Okay. 1016 01:11:53,346 --> 01:11:56,316 The local authorities were displeased. 1017 01:11:56,383 --> 01:11:58,180 Strago and Georgina fled, 1018 01:11:58,118 --> 01:12:02,155 leaving the rest of us to answer some rather pointed questions. 1019 01:12:02,222 --> 01:12:05,458 I recounted the sordid tale as best I could... 1020 01:12:05,525 --> 01:12:09,696 This may be a customary greeting in America. I don't know. 1021 01:12:10,296 --> 01:12:14,134 All the while, my thoughts were only of home. 1022 01:12:14,200 --> 01:12:19,390 If indeed Johanna and I still had a home to go to. 1023 01:12:26,980 --> 01:12:30,216 I'm not sure if Jock has mentioned it, 1024 01:12:30,316 --> 01:12:34,487 but I am very, very sorry about everything. 1025 01:12:34,587 --> 01:12:38,910 Darling? Please? 1026 01:12:42,996 --> 01:12:48,435 I suppose that we will have to open the house to tours. 1027 01:12:48,535 --> 01:12:51,604 I'll have Jock fix up the servants quarters for us. 1028 01:12:51,738 --> 01:12:56,676 Do you think that Jockie will stay on without pay or lodging? 1029 01:12:56,743 --> 01:13:00,714 Don't be daft. This isn't finished yet. 1030 01:13:00,780 --> 01:13:04,718 That painting was a fake. A fake? How do you know? 1031 01:13:04,784 --> 01:13:06,953 A chap called Bunny's got the real one. 1032 01:13:07,530 --> 01:13:09,255 - Bunny? - Bronwen lied from the start. 1033 01:13:09,622 --> 01:13:14,127 She never found the lost Goya. She painted it. 1034 01:13:14,227 --> 01:13:15,261 Of course! 1035 01:13:15,695 --> 01:13:18,565 Bronwen makes a fake, and calls Krampf. 1036 01:13:18,698 --> 01:13:22,135 Am I interested? I'm wildly interested. 1037 01:13:22,268 --> 01:13:24,404 Krampf calls Spinoza. 1038 01:13:24,537 --> 01:13:26,940 Georgina finds out about it and tells Emil, 1039 01:13:27,400 --> 01:13:29,142 who goes to steal the painting from Bronwen. 1040 01:13:29,275 --> 01:13:31,277 But Spinoza's already there. 1041 01:13:31,378 --> 01:13:34,414 He boffs Emil on the bean and takes the painting. 1042 01:13:34,614 --> 01:13:38,840 Spinoza then secrets the painting into the Rolls 1043 01:13:38,218 --> 01:13:42,550 and I unwittingly smuggle it to Krampf. 1044 01:13:42,155 --> 01:13:45,759 The Duke told me that Bunny has the painting, but I can't find him. 1045 01:13:45,825 --> 01:13:49,996 - Which Duke? - Of Asherboroughdon. Bronwen's lover. 1046 01:13:50,960 --> 01:13:51,598 Bunny. 1047 01:13:51,664 --> 01:13:54,734 "Love, your Bunny!" Oh! The note in the studio. 1048 01:13:54,834 --> 01:13:57,170 It was not from a child, it was from him. 1049 01:13:57,303 --> 01:14:00,440 The Duke is Bunny. 1050 01:14:00,640 --> 01:14:03,777 - And it wasn't his tadger. - Come again? 1051 01:14:03,910 --> 01:14:06,346 The Duke kept trying to get me to go into his lavatory 1052 01:14:06,446 --> 01:14:09,349 - to look at his John Thomas. - Oh. Randy bugger. 1053 01:14:09,449 --> 01:14:12,819 Only that wasn't it at all! He was trying to show me the real painting. 1054 01:14:13,319 --> 01:14:16,856 The Duchess of Wellington is in Bunny's loo. 1055 01:14:33,206 --> 01:14:35,775 - Oh, my. - Oh, my. 1056 01:14:37,177 --> 01:14:40,780 - Oh, my. - Oh, my! 1057 01:14:41,881 --> 01:14:43,516 - Oh, my. - Oh, my. 1058 01:14:46,186 --> 01:14:50,390 Well, the water bailiff won't bother him now. 1059 01:14:51,691 --> 01:14:55,695 - Terribly sorry for your loss, madam. - How very kind. 1060 01:14:57,197 --> 01:14:59,733 Would you mind ever so much if we used the lavatory? 1061 01:15:01,701 --> 01:15:04,700 It's this way. 1062 01:15:09,509 --> 01:15:12,345 Oh, you beautiful breadwinner. 1063 01:15:13,413 --> 01:15:17,170 - Darling, please, you are killing me. - Right. 1064 01:15:18,510 --> 01:15:21,755 - Out the window with it? - Quite. 1065 01:15:23,230 --> 01:15:24,858 However... 1066 01:15:25,492 --> 01:15:28,995 I do have the slightest of queries. 1067 01:15:29,620 --> 01:15:31,970 What do we do next? 1068 01:15:32,650 --> 01:15:34,200 Because if Martland should get his grubby hands on that painting, 1069 01:15:34,334 --> 01:15:38,872 he would destroy a magnificent work of art. And we will be out a finder's fee. 1070 01:15:38,938 --> 01:15:41,174 If it falls into Strago's hands, 1071 01:15:41,274 --> 01:15:46,179 he will unleash his unpleasantness to disastrous effect upon the world. 1072 01:15:46,246 --> 01:15:50,717 And if we try to sell it to Romanov, he will kill us and simply take it instead. 1073 01:15:50,784 --> 01:15:54,854 And yet we must find a way to pay eight million in back taxes. 1074 01:15:54,921 --> 01:15:59,590 Quite, quite, yes, indeed, quite. 1075 01:15:59,125 --> 01:16:02,896 Quite a conundrum, this. I shall need a moment to think this through, I'm afraid. 1076 01:16:03,290 --> 01:16:05,980 Yes, do. Do think. 1077 01:16:05,131 --> 01:16:08,535 Just bear in mind, I'm standing on a loo, holding a dead man's Goya. 1078 01:16:09,936 --> 01:16:13,440 Our painting is entered in Sedgwick's Friday auction, is it not? 1079 01:16:13,940 --> 01:16:16,776 - Yes. - Perfect. 1080 01:16:16,876 --> 01:16:20,980 We are going to enter the Goya into the auction, disguised as our Sheridan. 1081 01:16:21,281 --> 01:16:24,317 But it's already at Sedgwick's. It's been authenticated. 1082 01:16:24,617 --> 01:16:26,486 We'll make a switch. 1083 01:16:26,619 --> 01:16:30,824 But first we must convince our buyers that the Goya's back in play. 1084 01:16:30,957 --> 01:16:34,294 They won't take our word for it. They'll want to see it themselves. 1085 01:16:34,427 --> 01:16:36,960 Then we'll show it to them. 1086 01:16:36,763 --> 01:16:41,334 What the situation requires now is a well-spun rumor. 1087 01:16:41,468 --> 01:16:43,803 Sir Graham. A message for you, sir. 1088 01:16:46,272 --> 01:16:48,808 What is all this nonsense? 1089 01:16:48,942 --> 01:16:52,679 You know I'm not interested in your flaccid Sheridan. 1090 01:16:52,779 --> 01:16:54,481 Darling? 1091 01:17:00,186 --> 01:17:02,255 Interested now? 1092 01:17:02,355 --> 01:17:04,124 Very. 1093 01:17:04,524 --> 01:17:08,128 - But I watched it burn. - It's Mortdecai, sir. 1094 01:17:08,261 --> 01:17:12,298 Chatter is he's found a dashedly clever way to move it on the open market. 1095 01:17:13,466 --> 01:17:17,337 - The auction starts at 5:00 p.m. - I want that painting. 1096 01:17:17,704 --> 01:17:19,706 The auction got it. 1097 01:17:21,207 --> 01:17:22,308 Good luck! 1098 01:17:33,553 --> 01:17:37,657 I believe he still owes me a finger. 1099 01:17:48,668 --> 01:17:50,403 - Hello, pookie. - Hello, darling. 1100 01:17:50,770 --> 01:17:54,507 - I nicked one of their passkeys. - Well done. We're Lot Seven. 1101 01:17:54,541 --> 01:17:58,111 I shall need 30 seconds to make the switch once it's announced. Do not delay. 1102 01:17:58,211 --> 01:18:02,248 I know this building like the back of my hand. You will have your time. 1103 01:18:03,416 --> 01:18:05,418 Good luck. 1104 01:18:20,934 --> 01:18:22,769 Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. 1105 01:18:22,869 --> 01:18:26,272 Welcome to Sedgwick's Autumn Master's Sale. 1106 01:18:26,373 --> 01:18:29,943 We shall begin with Lot One. 1107 01:18:30,760 --> 01:18:32,445 Barnyard Friends. A lovely Helen Allingham, 1108 01:18:32,579 --> 01:18:36,649 depicting two horses, an ***, and several ****s. 1109 01:18:36,783 --> 01:18:38,651 There's a lovely sky here. 1110 01:18:38,785 --> 01:18:42,389 Shall we start the bidding at 17,000 pounds? 1111 01:18:42,455 --> 01:18:44,724 Seventeen thousand pounds, thank you very much. 1112 01:18:50,397 --> 01:18:53,400 Stealthy, man, stealthy. 1113 01:18:54,467 --> 01:18:57,300 Like a jungle cat. 1114 01:18:59,506 --> 01:19:01,975 Hello, Vladimir. So good to see you out and about. 1115 01:19:02,108 --> 01:19:04,844 Tell us where painting is, or you have big hole in your head. 1116 01:19:04,944 --> 01:19:06,846 You will have hole in your balls! 1117 01:19:09,182 --> 01:19:11,418 Why is Dmitri obsessed with testicula? 1118 01:19:16,456 --> 01:19:21,528 Your mother and father only met once. And money changed hands. 1119 01:19:22,862 --> 01:19:25,532 Probably less than a 20. 1120 01:19:25,765 --> 01:19:29,200 And they say she was dressed as a man at the time. 1121 01:19:29,202 --> 01:19:31,705 I wouldn't, mate. 1122 01:19:32,172 --> 01:19:33,373 I really wouldn't. 1123 01:19:34,140 --> 01:19:37,143 Sold to the gentleman in the fuchsia ascot. 1124 01:19:37,477 --> 01:19:39,379 Moving on to Lot Two. 1125 01:19:39,512 --> 01:19:44,184 All right. There. You won't be needing this anymore, will you? Will you? 1126 01:19:48,855 --> 01:19:50,490 My God. 1127 01:19:51,524 --> 01:19:54,194 Oh, dash it all, Jock, man, your hand! 1128 01:19:55,228 --> 01:19:57,630 It's all right, sir, I've got another. 1129 01:19:57,197 --> 01:19:59,866 You know, remarkably, this is not the first time I've shot Jock. 1130 01:19:59,966 --> 01:20:02,369 Sir, the switch. The switch, sir. 1131 01:20:02,469 --> 01:20:05,572 Oh, quite right. No time to dally. 1132 01:20:17,484 --> 01:20:19,519 I'll meet you inside, sir. 1133 01:20:19,586 --> 01:20:22,222 And we move on to Lot Four. 1134 01:20:22,355 --> 01:20:26,590 Fernand Just Quignon's Lavender Field. 1135 01:20:26,993 --> 01:20:28,361 Isn't it charming? 1136 01:20:55,550 --> 01:20:57,624 Thirty-five thousand pounds... 1137 01:21:00,260 --> 01:21:03,897 Forty thousand pounds? 40,000? 45, isn't it? 1138 01:21:03,963 --> 01:21:07,600 Forty-five, thank you, sir. 45, 50, back on the... 1139 01:21:13,773 --> 01:21:14,941 Give me the painting. 1140 01:21:22,148 --> 01:21:24,150 What painting? 1141 01:21:26,820 --> 01:21:30,790 I see that you have been schooled in the... fine art of fencing. 1142 01:21:32,325 --> 01:21:34,160 Alas, 1143 01:21:35,829 --> 01:21:37,970 so have I. 1144 01:21:38,565 --> 01:21:41,000 An essential part of every gentleman's education. 1145 01:21:42,669 --> 01:21:44,700 And as a gentleman, 1146 01:21:44,137 --> 01:21:46,940 I should warn you... that my coup d'arret 1147 01:21:47,730 --> 01:21:51,111 is still whispered about in hushed tones to this very day. 1148 01:21:53,480 --> 01:21:56,583 I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it! 1149 01:21:58,251 --> 01:22:00,820 Twenty-five thousand pounds. 1150 01:22:10,960 --> 01:22:14,134 Lot Five. Smiling Woman in a Chair. 1151 01:22:26,120 --> 01:22:29,783 Sold for 210,000 pounds. 1152 01:22:34,540 --> 01:22:37,524 And now, moving on to Lot Six. 1153 01:23:05,180 --> 01:23:06,820 Oh, dear. 1154 01:23:15,862 --> 01:23:19,833 I would like to humbly and unreservedly offer my deepest... 1155 01:23:23,200 --> 01:23:24,371 Truce? 1156 01:23:29,175 --> 01:23:32,178 Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please remain calm. 1157 01:23:44,758 --> 01:23:48,294 Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please remain in your seats, I would be grateful. 1158 01:23:58,271 --> 01:24:00,740 Where is Mortdecai? 1159 01:24:01,207 --> 01:24:02,742 Well, come on, then. 1160 01:24:26,266 --> 01:24:27,834 God. 1161 01:24:30,103 --> 01:24:33,340 Going on to Lot Seven. 1162 01:24:33,440 --> 01:24:37,577 - Colonel Blucher with Hounds near Twineham. - But quietly. Quietly. 1163 01:24:38,778 --> 01:24:42,150 A lovely Sheridan offered by the Mortdecai estate. 1164 01:24:42,148 --> 01:24:45,652 Shall we start the bidding at 100,000 pounds? 1165 01:24:46,619 --> 01:24:49,220 One hundred thousand pounds. Thank you, Sir Graham. 1166 01:24:50,790 --> 01:24:52,826 Fang wants finger. 1167 01:24:52,926 --> 01:24:55,962 Must go and bid. Must go and bid. Must go and bid. 1168 01:24:58,765 --> 01:25:02,100 Where is Mortdecai? Tell me. 1169 01:25:02,135 --> 01:25:05,138 He's not here, mate. He sent me. 1170 01:25:06,172 --> 01:25:09,976 - Where is he? - It's just me, mate. 1171 01:25:10,430 --> 01:25:11,544 Oh, God! 1172 01:25:12,379 --> 01:25:14,681 Dear, sweet, heroic Jock. 1173 01:25:15,382 --> 01:25:17,617 Two hundred. Very good. Do we have three? 1174 01:25:18,184 --> 01:25:19,185 Three. 1175 01:25:19,319 --> 01:25:22,355 Yes, well, in future, if you could please use your paddles. 1176 01:25:22,555 --> 01:25:25,625 I will take your finger. 1177 01:25:44,377 --> 01:25:49,749 I couldn't help overhearing some discussion about your finger. 1178 01:25:50,500 --> 01:25:52,686 Oh, don't worry about that, sir, I've got nine more. 1179 01:25:56,489 --> 01:25:59,250 I feel simply awful, man, but I must get to the auction. 1180 01:25:59,225 --> 01:26:03,163 - I'll be all right, sir. - We need eight million. 1181 01:26:04,731 --> 01:26:07,834 Now, can we go to 500? 500, ladies and gentlemen. 1182 01:26:07,901 --> 01:26:10,904 There he is. Now don't cause a panic. Just get him. 1183 01:26:11,400 --> 01:26:14,207 Five hundred thousand. Five hundred thousand. 1184 01:26:14,341 --> 01:26:17,544 - Hold. Hold. - Thank you, madam, 500,000. 1185 01:26:17,610 --> 01:26:20,580 Do I have 600? 600,000 pounds, ladies and gentlemen. 1186 01:26:20,680 --> 01:26:22,549 - Bid. - What? 1187 01:26:23,416 --> 01:26:27,454 A bid from Lady Mortdecai, who seems to be bidding on her own painting. 1188 01:26:27,587 --> 01:26:30,790 Just taking the horse for a trot out to London and back, are we? 1189 01:26:30,890 --> 01:26:33,126 - Yeah. - Very well. 600 then. 1190 01:26:33,560 --> 01:26:35,395 I'll make it up to you, Jockie. 1191 01:26:35,462 --> 01:26:37,731 Oh, I know you will, sir. You always do. 1192 01:27:02,880 --> 01:27:03,823 Well done, sir. 1193 01:27:07,930 --> 01:27:10,130 It is a privilege, Jock. 1194 01:27:10,296 --> 01:27:12,732 Are we all done at 900,000? 1195 01:27:13,433 --> 01:27:15,100 Go bid! 1196 01:27:15,402 --> 01:27:19,239 Fair warning at 900,000 pounds... 1197 01:27:19,305 --> 01:27:21,408 from Sir Graham. 1198 01:27:22,108 --> 01:27:24,177 Last chance. 1199 01:27:24,310 --> 01:27:27,130 - And we are... - Darling. 1200 01:27:29,150 --> 01:27:33,753 Yes, Lord Mortdecai? Would you also like to make a bid? 1201 01:27:34,320 --> 01:27:36,256 Ten million pounds. 1202 01:27:36,356 --> 01:27:40,927 Ten million pounds from Lord Mortdecai himself. 1203 01:27:42,796 --> 01:27:44,130 Move! 1204 01:27:44,264 --> 01:27:47,167 Come on! Twenty million, you swine! 1205 01:27:47,300 --> 01:27:48,702 Twenty-five million. 1206 01:27:48,835 --> 01:27:51,938 Twenty-five and a half! 26 and a quarter! 1207 01:27:52,380 --> 01:27:55,141 - Thirty million. Final offer! - Is that our final bid? 1208 01:27:55,175 --> 01:27:59,679 Are we all done at 30 million pounds? 1209 01:28:00,647 --> 01:28:02,449 Sold. 1210 01:28:05,618 --> 01:28:08,822 There you are. 2,642 pounds. 1211 01:28:10,790 --> 01:28:13,260 I do beg your pardon. 1212 01:28:13,159 --> 01:28:15,662 Maths were never my strong suit. 1213 01:28:15,729 --> 01:28:19,132 But there was mention of 30 million, so you take that. 1214 01:28:19,699 --> 01:28:22,736 Less commission, carrying, handling, and transfer taxes, 1215 01:28:22,869 --> 01:28:25,372 left a total of just over eight million pounds. 1216 01:28:25,505 --> 01:28:27,574 Which I am sorry to report has been... 1217 01:28:27,707 --> 01:28:33,813 Garnished by Her Majesty's government in settlement of your tax bill, Charlie. 1218 01:28:34,981 --> 01:28:38,840 Can you think of a good reason why I shouldn't arrest you right now? 1219 01:28:39,386 --> 01:28:40,854 I eschew discomfort? 1220 01:28:42,220 --> 01:28:43,990 Any blame here should fall on me. 1221 01:28:45,580 --> 01:28:47,600 Dear Alastair, 1222 01:28:47,193 --> 01:28:49,262 if I led you to believe there was anything between us, 1223 01:28:49,362 --> 01:28:53,166 it was merely to find out about the case and protect my husband. 1224 01:28:53,266 --> 01:28:54,901 Can you forgive me? 1225 01:28:55,100 --> 01:28:57,700 Of course, Johanna. 1226 01:28:57,737 --> 01:28:59,606 Charlie? 1227 01:29:02,375 --> 01:29:05,445 It was a damned good try, old bean. 1228 01:29:09,783 --> 01:29:12,252 "Of all sad words of tongue or pen, 1229 01:29:12,352 --> 01:29:16,189 "the saddest are these, 'It might have been'." 1230 01:29:16,623 --> 01:29:18,625 Thank you, Maurice. 1231 01:29:28,401 --> 01:29:33,206 Poor Jock. He was frantic with worry. 1232 01:29:33,306 --> 01:29:37,577 But I knew everything would be all right in the end. 1233 01:29:41,147 --> 01:29:43,249 Magnificent. 1234 01:29:45,251 --> 01:29:47,620 Do you think the codes are really there? 1235 01:29:47,721 --> 01:29:51,991 They most certainly are, darling. And I gave them to the authorities. 1236 01:29:52,920 --> 01:29:55,950 Anonymously, of course. 1237 01:29:55,161 --> 01:30:00,166 We may be flat broke, my darling, but we are not desperate. 1238 01:30:00,300 --> 01:30:03,737 I do hope Romanov doesn't come down too hard on Sir Graham, 1239 01:30:03,803 --> 01:30:06,940 when he finds out he bought the wrong fake. 1240 01:30:07,307 --> 01:30:09,142 Lights. 1241 01:30:15,415 --> 01:30:17,817 That is disappointing. 1242 01:30:17,951 --> 01:30:19,819 Very disappointing. 1243 01:30:19,953 --> 01:30:22,422 Open your balls. 1244 01:30:25,658 --> 01:30:29,295 tell me about that tramp on the horse. 1245 01:30:30,960 --> 01:30:36,503 Oh, my darling, I tried desperately to be unfaithful to you, I really did. 1246 01:30:36,936 --> 01:30:38,671 But I just couldn't do it. 1247 01:30:40,473 --> 01:30:42,809 It's a terrible moment when you find yourself 1248 01:30:42,942 --> 01:30:46,179 falling in love with your own spouse, isn't it? 1249 01:30:46,312 --> 01:30:48,848 Now, that is the look that softens 1250 01:30:48,982 --> 01:30:52,952 every bone in my body, except one. 1251 01:30:55,210 --> 01:30:57,957 Do you mean you are ready? 1252 01:30:59,459 --> 01:31:01,561 I see no obstacle to such a course. 1253 01:31:05,298 --> 01:31:09,502 My love, surely you recall I have already been circumcised. 1254 01:31:14,641 --> 01:31:16,760 Charlie? 1255 01:31:17,430 --> 01:31:20,213 Mrs. Mortdecai, as you well know, 1256 01:31:20,580 --> 01:31:24,651 I am a man of few words. 1257 01:31:26,252 --> 01:31:30,757 I deeply, deeply love... 1258 01:31:31,257 --> 01:31:32,859 my moustache. 1259 01:31:35,228 --> 01:31:37,831 But... I have discovered... 1260 01:31:39,990 --> 01:31:41,668 that I love you... 1261 01:31:42,535 --> 01:31:43,570 more. 1262 01:31:46,873 --> 01:31:47,841 Proceed. 1263 01:31:51,344 --> 01:31:54,381 Would you really do that for me? 1264 01:31:54,881 --> 01:31:56,950 For you, 1265 01:31:57,500 --> 01:32:00,587 there is nothing I would not do. 1266 01:32:03,923 --> 01:32:07,930 Well, in that case, Mr. Mortdecai, 1267 01:32:07,227 --> 01:32:10,964 I should be very pleased if you would keep it. 1268 01:32:12,650 --> 01:32:13,933 Really? 1269 01:32:14,340 --> 01:32:16,360 I mean... 1270 01:32:17,404 --> 01:32:19,973 Oh, darl... 1271 01:32:20,106 --> 01:32:22,575 Your gag reflex. 1272 01:32:22,709 --> 01:32:24,644 Try me.