1 00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:41,741 [PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY] 2 00:00:41,741 --> 00:00:42,842 MAN: All right, Chevy. 3 00:00:43,743 --> 00:00:45,812 WOMAN: Chevy, you're very handsome. 4 00:00:45,812 --> 00:00:47,547 - CHEVY: Stop it. - How did you become so funny? 5 00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:48,682 CHEVY: What was the first part? 6 00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:49,749 [LAUGHTER] 7 00:00:49,749 --> 00:00:52,218 WOMAN: Lorne said if I just stared into the camera, 8 00:00:52,218 --> 00:00:53,887 that'd take a lot of guts. 9 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:56,823 [WOMAN LAUGHING] 10 00:00:56,823 --> 00:01:00,727 "There were bells on the hill, but I never heard them ringing." 11 00:01:02,529 --> 00:01:03,763 MAN: Action, Laraine. 12 00:01:11,338 --> 00:01:12,339 Hi. 13 00:01:12,339 --> 00:01:13,373 [LAUGHTER] 14 00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:15,208 Did I spell your name right? 15 00:01:18,110 --> 00:01:20,347 I'm Garrett Morris talking to all you white Americans... 16 00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:23,160 about the way Black people have been treated in America. 17 00:01:23,450 --> 00:01:26,553 Now, I know a lot of you feel guilty, and you should. 18 00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:27,454 [LAUGHTER] 19 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:31,858 You see, um, having a catheter... 20 00:01:32,250 --> 00:01:33,927 a lot of people think it's funny. 21 00:01:34,940 --> 00:01:36,730 And they like to see me dance. 22 00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:38,298 [LAUGHTER] 23 00:01:38,531 --> 00:01:42,235 Now, I look up, and I see it coming down now, real quick... 24 00:01:42,402 --> 00:01:43,670 and I see discs. 25 00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:45,710 Whirlin' discs! 26 00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:47,400 - Really? - All right. 27 00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:48,475 Radney? 28 00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:50,543 I'm not gonna talk about... No. 29 00:01:50,977 --> 00:01:52,979 DAN: Whirlin'. Whirlin' around, whirlin' around. 30 00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:54,314 I see all kinds of lights. Then they just drop me. 31 00:01:54,481 --> 00:01:56,950 In order to get that much iron, you probably have to overeat. 32 00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,820 Send your check or money order to White Guilt Relief Fund. 33 00:02:00,987 --> 00:02:02,989 We're ready? Should we go? 34 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:04,591 [HONKING] 35 00:02:04,591 --> 00:02:05,892 [WHISTLE BLOWING] 36 00:02:07,394 --> 00:02:08,595 MAN: Free show! 37 00:02:08,595 --> 00:02:10,230 [INDISTINCT RADIO PROGRAM PLAYING] 38 00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:12,265 Plenty of tickets left, guys! Free show! 39 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:13,800 No? 40 00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:16,269 Hey, free show, man. 41 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,439 Hey, sir, free comedy show? Plenty of seats. 42 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:21,341 Perfect for date night! 43 00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:22,909 Um... 44 00:02:23,510 --> 00:02:26,346 "You are invited to a new variety spectacular... 45 00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:29,820 "featuring a parade of comedy... 46 00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:30,617 "and musical acts ripped from the charts." 47 00:02:31,918 --> 00:02:33,153 Jesus Christ. 48 00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:34,654 "Where did they unearth such a cavalcade of talent?" 49 00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:38,658 MAN: Hey, man! You okay? 50 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:42,429 [SIGHS] Maybe ask me again in 90 minutes. 51 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:44,497 MAN: Why? What happens in 90 minutes? 52 00:02:44,964 --> 00:02:46,990 Uh, we go live. 53 00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:49,350 Oh, wow. Far out, man. Congrats. Miss? 54 00:02:49,202 --> 00:02:50,970 - Thank you. - MAN: Hey, wait. If it's live, 55 00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:52,672 then why the hell are you down here? 56 00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:54,641 - Free show. For ****'s sake. - I'm... 57 00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:56,176 - ANDY: Mr. Michaels? - ...waiting for... 58 00:02:56,376 --> 00:02:57,210 Ah! 59 00:02:57,544 --> 00:02:59,746 It's 10 o'clock, Andy. Here. Come on. 60 00:03:00,213 --> 00:03:01,815 MRS. KAUFMAN: Where do I park? 61 00:03:01,981 --> 00:03:04,317 "You are invited to a new variety spectacular..." 62 00:03:04,484 --> 00:03:05,852 Just pick him up at 1:00, Mrs. Kaufman. 63 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:06,953 Do you like my suit? 64 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,154 - Very elegant, Andy. - Take care of my Andy! 65 00:03:08,321 --> 00:03:09,856 This is my favorite suit. 66 00:03:10,230 --> 00:03:11,958 "Where did they unearth such a cavalcade of talent?" 67 00:03:11,958 --> 00:03:12,959 [CARS HONKING] 68 00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:14,600 Bye. Bye, Mommy. 69 00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:15,610 MRS. KAUFMAN: Bye, honey. 70 00:03:15,610 --> 00:03:15,995 - I love you! - LORNE: Andy, come on. 71 00:03:22,635 --> 00:03:23,636 Andy, please, come on. 72 00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,372 ANDY: This is beautiful. 73 00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:26,539 LORNE: Yeah. 74 00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:27,774 You know, actually, down there 75 00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:28,875 is where Diego Rivera was hired... 76 00:03:29,420 --> 00:03:31,244 to paint a fresco for the American worker. 77 00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:32,479 ANDY: I cannot see this. 78 00:03:32,645 --> 00:03:34,547 Well, no one can because Diego was a commie... 79 00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,216 and added Vladimir Lenin in the middle of the night... 80 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:37,584 so the Rockefellers had it plastered over. 81 00:03:37,584 --> 00:03:38,685 Deliveries use the back. 82 00:03:38,685 --> 00:03:39,986 - I'm producer of the show. - Where's your badge? 83 00:03:39,986 --> 00:03:41,254 - My... - Where's his badge? 84 00:03:41,254 --> 00:03:42,355 Look, my name is Lorne Michaels. 85 00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:43,423 I'm the producer of Saturday Night. 86 00:03:43,423 --> 00:03:44,591 - The whole night? - MAN: Hey! Hey! He's good. 87 00:03:44,591 --> 00:03:46,326 - Yeah, I'm producing every show. - He's good. He's good. 88 00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:47,694 - I'm good, you see? - Let him in. Let him in. 89 00:03:47,694 --> 00:03:48,762 Live on a Saturday night? Must be some show. 90 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:49,863 I'm good. Andy, please. 91 00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,197 Hey, you're doing a great job. Really. Great stuff. 92 00:03:51,197 --> 00:03:52,565 GUARD: What kind of name is "Saturday Night"? 93 00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,901 - Andy, come on. Please. - Okay. We rushing. 94 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:56,369 Eighth floor, and book it. 95 00:03:56,536 --> 00:03:58,104 Put on your seat belts. 96 00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,507 [BREATHING DEEPLY] 97 00:04:00,507 --> 00:04:02,275 So, big night. 98 00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:03,743 LORNE: Oh, Andy, have you had dinner? 99 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:06,179 Huh. Yes, I had spaghetti. 100 00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:07,347 Oh, that sounds delicious. 101 00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:09,215 Hey, Lorne, I'm getting calls from upstairs. 102 00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:10,350 You ordered a llama? 103 00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:11,518 A llama? 104 00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,953 Yeah. We all decided it was much funnier than a donkey. 105 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,388 Right. Just the guys down at the loading dock 106 00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:16,990 weren't expecting, you know, livestock. 107 00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:19,392 Well, NBC did ask for something fresh and unexpected. 108 00:04:19,559 --> 00:04:20,827 That is true. That's true. 109 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,128 Uh, just, you know, they also weren't 110 00:04:22,128 --> 00:04:23,229 expecting you to demand... 111 00:04:23,396 --> 00:04:25,632 an overhaul in the entire lighting and sound package. 112 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:29,569 Did anyone ask Edison what a light bulb was 113 00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:31,204 before he harnessed electricity? 114 00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,374 Who are you in the metaphor? 115 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,576 The light bulb? 116 00:04:36,976 --> 00:04:38,545 We can't expect people to recognize 117 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:39,813 something they've never seen before. 118 00:04:39,979 --> 00:04:41,381 Right. Okay. Yes. You're correct. 119 00:04:41,548 --> 00:04:42,782 But just, how about a final script? 120 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:43,950 It's not that kind of show. 121 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,485 Okay. Well, what kind of show is it, Lorne? 122 00:04:45,652 --> 00:04:46,820 Do you even know what the show is? 123 00:04:46,986 --> 00:04:47,987 Of course. 124 00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,230 Are you gonna share it with the rest of us? 125 00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:51,991 - Yes. - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 126 00:04:52,559 --> 00:04:53,560 In 88 minutes. 127 00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:55,395 Oh, my God. [SNORTS] 128 00:04:55,562 --> 00:04:57,163 Uh, have you tested the quality of the sound system? 129 00:04:57,330 --> 00:04:58,431 - No, I haven't. - 'Cause the speakers... 130 00:04:58,598 --> 00:05:00,400 look leftover from Arturo Toscanini. 131 00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:01,668 ****: I mean, that's not really my job. 132 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,360 Lorne, did you order more lights? 133 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,237 LORNE: Of course. 134 00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:05,972 NEIL: Is this your card? 135 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,400 MAN: How'd he do that? 136 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:08,475 He's a ****in' magician, numb nuts. 137 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,176 - LORNE: Hey, Neil? - Oh, hey. 138 00:05:10,343 --> 00:05:12,512 You got to be right by my side, man. Locked to my hip. 139 00:05:12,512 --> 00:05:13,880 Remember, when you're here, you're not my cousin... 140 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,181 you're my executive assistant. You're important. 141 00:05:15,181 --> 00:05:16,349 Really? Like in the credits it will say that? 142 00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:17,584 Well, no, but you and I will know. 143 00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:18,651 They're looking for you in the control room. 144 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,520 Also, Belushi hasn't signed his contract yet? 145 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,589 - Oh, and the llama has arrived. - Oh, great. Thanks, Barbara. 146 00:05:22,589 --> 00:05:24,824 Neil, memo. We need to reeducate the NBC Pages on the show. 147 00:05:24,824 --> 00:05:25,892 You should've heard the guy outside. 148 00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:26,993 What the hell is this? 149 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,295 Saturday Night, it's a new kind of entertainment. 150 00:05:29,295 --> 00:05:32,499 It's abstract and defiant. Avant-garde yet blue collar... 151 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:34,968 [VOCALIZING] 152 00:05:38,638 --> 00:05:40,373 MAN: Gilda, come on. We need you for rehearsal. 153 00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:44,210 Oh, be careful. They're still drying. 154 00:05:44,377 --> 00:05:45,979 LORNE: This is monumental work, Edie. 155 00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:48,548 Mr. Gresner, would you please tell our studio audience... 156 00:05:48,715 --> 00:05:50,283 Jane, you're still attached. 157 00:05:50,450 --> 00:05:53,286 ...just how you became a victim of a shark bite? 158 00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:55,722 You are so fluffy. 159 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,230 Hey, come on, Andy. 160 00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:59,359 You cut my Nazi Doctor Dolittle? 161 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,661 He has ways of making the animals talk? 162 00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:03,290 I'll check with the run-of-show board. 163 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,198 Package was addressed to Al Franken and Tom Davis. 164 00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,733 I don't know what to tell you, fellas. 165 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:07,934 How do you lose 28 gallons of blood? 166 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,738 JOE: 85 minutes till showtime. 167 00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:14,808 Come on, guys. These transitions need to be crisp. 168 00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:17,177 Pretend like there's a hooker holding a sandwich 169 00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:18,411 waiting for you stage right. 170 00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:20,213 We still need to rehearse five sketches. 171 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,248 Are we any closer on lighting cues? 172 00:06:22,415 --> 00:06:24,117 GARRETT: Hey, Schiller. What are you up to? 173 00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:26,686 I'm burning sage. Removing demons. 174 00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:28,880 Garrett don't do voodoo. 175 00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:29,923 BILLY: Peter packed a peck of pickled peckers. 176 00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:32,492 Andy, this is Billy Crystal and Valri Bromfield. 177 00:06:32,659 --> 00:06:33,827 - They're both in the show. - Andy! 178 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,290 LORNE: They're both very nice. Please stay with them, okay? 179 00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:38,640 Listen, Andy is a certifiable comedic genius. 180 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,232 - He is redefining the form. - Nice to meet you, Andy. 181 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,401 BILLY: I mean, we are in the presence of greatness. 182 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,104 Where is the bathroom? 183 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,505 Neil, can you show Andy to the washroom? 184 00:06:45,505 --> 00:06:47,207 - Yeah. Yeah. - There you are. Lorne. I can't 185 00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:48,742 - authorize the purchase... - ****. ****. 186 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,143 ...of an antique chandelier. 187 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:51,244 Jim has a question about something. 188 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,545 - Here. Let's step over here. - JIM: He's out of control. 189 00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:54,280 - Okay. I understand. - This isn't a budget. 190 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:55,382 It's a ransom note. 191 00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:56,516 Someone asked for last Friday's Johnny Carson? 192 00:06:56,516 --> 00:06:57,684 Where the **** you been, Charlie? 193 00:06:57,684 --> 00:06:58,752 Sorry, I've been busy. 194 00:06:58,752 --> 00:06:59,853 I'll be back in a little bit, okay? 195 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,287 Hope I still have a job when he's gone next week. 196 00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:02,989 Okey-dokes. So, as it stands... 197 00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,425 we have four host monologues, two stand-ups... 198 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:07,527 two musical guests, each with two performances... 199 00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:08,962 a solo piece for Andy Kaufman... 200 00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:11,264 five parody commercials, Weekend Update... 201 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,465 a film by Albert Brooks... 202 00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:15,680 Jim Henson's Muppet... thing. 203 00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:17,237 Not to mention seven sketches. 204 00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:18,772 - Something for everybody. - Yeah, it's a lot of show. 205 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:20,273 - It won't fit. - We don't know that. 206 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,942 I know that. The dress rehearsal was three hours. 207 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:24,110 Audrey thinks we're tight. 208 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,446 Audrey thinks it's time to make some tough decisions, actually. 209 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:27,614 Lorne, just cut some things. 210 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,249 - No. We will, but... - CHEVY: Am I still in the show? 211 00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:33,820 Jesus Christ. 212 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,321 - Who? Belushi? - Mmm-hmm. 213 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,791 God! God! What the ****'s the matter now? 214 00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:39,459 I think it's just a new dynamic and... 215 00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:40,860 there are a lot of expectations for every... 216 00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:41,928 I'll tell you what the issue is. 217 00:07:42,950 --> 00:07:43,763 We're not doing a radio hour anymore 218 00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:45,198 and he's built like an Albanian cheeseburger. 219 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,600 Chevy can't help if people are responding to his face. 220 00:07:47,767 --> 00:07:48,902 I mean, I could, but I won't. 221 00:07:49,690 --> 00:07:50,403 Right. Well, no one's asking you 222 00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:52,380 to deny your own magnetism, Chevy. 223 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:53,807 Maybe there's other roles for John to play. 224 00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:55,809 Like a hobo. Or a troll. 225 00:07:56,900 --> 00:07:58,345 Or a fire hydrant. Or a Volkswagen. 226 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,480 Or a hemorrhoid. 227 00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:03,216 - You're looking sharp, Patches. - [CHUCKLES] What? 228 00:08:03,616 --> 00:08:04,818 AUDREY: You have to cut something. 229 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,753 Yeah. Yeah. [SIGHS] 230 00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:10,790 - Neil? - Oh. Yeah! 231 00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:13,590 Get me a key to this door. In fact... 232 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:14,894 I want keys to all the doors. 233 00:08:15,610 --> 00:08:16,396 NEIL: In the building? 234 00:08:16,563 --> 00:08:18,264 - If you can. - Yeah. 235 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:23,103 MAN: Frame up on the shot, okay, Cameron? 236 00:08:23,570 --> 00:08:24,571 That's good. 237 00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:27,374 Ready camera 2. That looks okay. 238 00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:28,441 Hey, guys. 239 00:08:28,608 --> 00:08:30,143 Hey, Lorne. Can you get down or around? 240 00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:31,778 Down in front. 241 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:33,613 Dave, how're we looking? 242 00:08:33,613 --> 00:08:34,848 Oh. Good, good, good. Good, good. 243 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,450 Still working on the 47 notes you gave me on your last visit. 244 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,120 Okay. How's the morale looking out there? 245 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,621 -"Morale"? - Mm-hmm. 246 00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:44,758 Oh, I think I can speak for the entire crew... 247 00:08:44,924 --> 00:08:49,162 when I say this is exactly where we want to be on Saturday night. 248 00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:52,332 - Okay. Great. - DAVE: Yeah. Yeah. 249 00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:55,168 DAVE: Rocky! Wake up, will you? 250 00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:58,838 STEW: Give me lights 25B, 25C! 251 00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,842 Half down on 31! That's 32! 252 00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:04,678 You've done this before, right? 253 00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:05,845 MAN 2: Man, that's a lot of lights. 254 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,614 Charlie, you're gonna drop a testicle lifting that thing. 255 00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:08,815 - Good job, Charlie. - [GRUNTS] 256 00:09:08,948 --> 00:09:09,949 JOE: All right. Quiet, please! 257 00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:12,819 Here we go. Rehearsal's up. Actors on their marks. 258 00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,287 All right. Hey, guys. 259 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,690 We only have two minutes of commercials... 260 00:09:16,856 --> 00:09:19,259 to make it from stage right to stage left. 261 00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:20,994 MAN: Anybody know the load bearing on the booms? 262 00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,630 - Hello, fellas. - What's up, Joe? 263 00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:24,864 Can I get you anything? Refreshment? 264 00:09:25,310 --> 00:09:26,332 - Mai Tai? - MAN: I'll take a Schaefer. 265 00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,335 JOE: Try and at least act like you're ****ing working, please. 266 00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:29,803 John, thank you for your patience. 267 00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:30,870 Moments away, okay? 268 00:09:31,370 --> 00:09:32,172 [JINGLE PLAYING] 269 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:35,800 BARBARA: All right. Next card. "Al 'Bud' Franken." 270 00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:36,976 Next card. "Tom 'Bud' Davis." 271 00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:39,790 Okay. So, this is a bit? 272 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,314 Look, I don't get half the shit that they do. 273 00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:43,450 Next card, "Rosie 'Bud'..." Uh... 274 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:46,686 Lorne, is Rosie going with Michaels or Shuster? 275 00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:49,989 - That's a good question. - BARBARA: Should I ask Rosie? 276 00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:51,658 No, no, no. I'll take care of it. 277 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:53,560 - BARBARA: All right. - DAVE: Stew, that's good. 278 00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,280 That's actually looking good. 279 00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:56,996 A little more over. 280 00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:58,498 She's been at it for hours. 281 00:09:58,498 --> 00:09:59,933 She's simply doing her job. 282 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,301 We have to comply with NBC standards. 283 00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:02,569 Well, I refuse to comply. 284 00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:04,404 - Uh, Mr. O'Donoghue. - Mmm-hmm? 285 00:10:05,380 --> 00:10:08,608 On page 12, what is clam diving? 286 00:10:10,577 --> 00:10:13,413 I believe the act of harvesting mollusks. 287 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,215 JOE: Stew! You're killing me here. 288 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:16,616 I just need the lights for Home Invasion. 289 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:18,418 Talk to the wonder kid! He's trying to light 290 00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,353 - Jesus Christ Superstar! - JOE: Those are excuses. 291 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,220 Four people up there, get them lit. 292 00:10:22,188 --> 00:10:24,958 I'm glad you're having fun, but this isn't helpful. 293 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,327 If that piglet disfigures my work... 294 00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:30,960 I'm gonna turn her uterus into a sock puppet. 295 00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:32,399 What is "Zipper Dinner"? 296 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:33,800 [ALL CHUCKLING] 297 00:10:37,537 --> 00:10:39,506 How many of these did you hide in the script? 298 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,375 Maybe a dozen. It's like a scavenger hunt. 299 00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:43,810 I know what blue balls are. 300 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:44,978 You don't say. 301 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,981 JOE: Come on, people, move with purpose. Let's do this. 302 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,417 Al, is that your one? Come on, give it. 303 00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:53,286 All right. Quiet, please! Rehearsal is up. 304 00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:54,654 DAN: Assault and burglary. 305 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:56,556 JOE: Okay. Actors on your marks, please. 306 00:10:56,723 --> 00:10:57,791 Cameras on their marks. 307 00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:58,892 - Here we go. - Hey. 308 00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:05,799 Okay! Let's see if we can get through one of these skits. 309 00:11:05,965 --> 00:11:07,467 Sketches! Davy, please. 310 00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:08,568 JOE: And action on rehearsals. 311 00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:10,170 DAVE: Okay. Ready, Camera One? Take Camera One. 312 00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:14,741 Look, honey. Boeing Boeing with Jerry Lewis is on in 10 minutes. 313 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:17,100 Ready, Camera Two? Take Camera Two. 314 00:11:17,100 --> 00:11:19,446 GILDA: Uh, sweetheart, I'm tired. I think I'm just gonna... 315 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,681 have another glass of diet root beer 316 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,383 and go to bed, okay? 317 00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:27,200 - JOE: Aykroyd! - Cue, Danny. 318 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,121 [THUDDING] 319 00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:32,625 What's the problem? 320 00:11:32,792 --> 00:11:33,993 JOE: What's going on, Dan? 321 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:35,795 DAN: It's a little lodged. 322 00:11:36,162 --> 00:11:37,300 [THUD] 323 00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:38,131 Hi, there! 324 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:39,399 Please do not be alarmed. 325 00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,301 This is only a simulated assault and burglary. 326 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,703 Repeat. This is a simulated assault and burglary. 327 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,505 This could happen to you at any time. In fact... 328 00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:46,639 - it just has. - GILDA: Call the police! 329 00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:47,707 DAN: No, no! 330 00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:49,809 Don't call the police. I am the police. 331 00:11:49,976 --> 00:11:50,944 Well, I might be, anyway. 332 00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:52,450 [CHUCKLING] 333 00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:53,980 - Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer... - JOE: Hold! 334 00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:56,282 Aykroyd, one giant step to the right, please. 335 00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:57,617 Yeah. My right? 336 00:11:57,617 --> 00:11:58,651 - Yes. - DAN: Sure. 337 00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:00,653 Uh, say, man, you want me to say anything in this? 338 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:03,623 Or am I the silent robber type? 339 00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:05,792 I think we're gonna stick to the script this time. 340 00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,227 - What script? - JOE: Thanks, Garrett. 341 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:09,662 Okay. Here we go. And action on rehearsal. 342 00:12:10,296 --> 00:12:12,320 Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer. 343 00:12:12,198 --> 00:12:13,333 My name is Kenny Vorstrather. 344 00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:15,869 I'm president of Trojan Horse Home Security. 345 00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,238 I have broken into your home tonight to illustrate to you... 346 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,406 - [CLANG] - ...and your family just how... 347 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,974 - MAN: Watch out! - [THUD] 348 00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:22,750 [ALL EXCLAIM] 349 00:12:22,750 --> 00:12:23,209 Shit! 350 00:12:23,209 --> 00:12:24,477 DAN: Have your girders been checked? 351 00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:25,812 JOHN: Piece of shit! You ****ing piece of shit! 352 00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:27,914 STEW: I'll ****ing break your ****ing jaw! 353 00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:31,217 JOE: Play the cameras back. Play the cameras back. Let's go. 354 00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:32,152 [GILDA EXCLAIMS] 355 00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:34,187 - LORNE: John, are you hurt? - [CRACKLE] 356 00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:35,255 - [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] - MAN: Jesus Christ! 357 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,489 You okay? 358 00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,558 Need a new gun. Where's props for me, please? 359 00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:39,859 Can somebody clear the children, please? 360 00:12:39,859 --> 00:12:40,994 Excuse me. Watch out, please. 361 00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:42,829 JOHN: Why? You got any more ****ing lights 362 00:12:42,829 --> 00:12:44,640 you want to drop on us? 363 00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:46,990 Yeah, maybe. Maybe, mother****er! 364 00:12:46,990 --> 00:12:47,901 Want me to break your ****ing jaw for you? 365 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,350 ****ing amateur hour! 366 00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:51,104 I'll bust your ****ing jaw for you, mother****er! 367 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,573 Hey! Hey! How dare you endanger my actors? 368 00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:54,674 Lorne. Lorne, it's not worth it. 369 00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:55,742 Really? Yeah. 370 00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:57,877 You're the one asking for 100 ****ing light cues, pal! 371 00:12:57,877 --> 00:13:00,113 Well, feel free to let me know when my expectations 372 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,214 surpass your abilities. 373 00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,449 There's a shit-ton of lights. It's not worth it. 374 00:13:02,649 --> 00:13:04,417 You know, I don't know, guys. It was kind of exciting. 375 00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:05,919 Like, it's probably good luck. 376 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:08,210 Wallie. 377 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,791 Uh. this thing's not gonna work. I need... 378 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:12,892 Something with a little more heft. 379 00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:14,728 It's got no stopping power. You know what I mean? 380 00:13:14,728 --> 00:13:16,196 The script said pistol. 381 00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:18,198 Well, the script specifically called for... 382 00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:21,340 a Smith and Wesson K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum. 383 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:22,235 Do we go again? 384 00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,137 Uh, in this deathtrap? 385 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:25,305 Well, we've worked out the kinks. 386 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,741 You know, I still think it was kind of funny. 387 00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:29,676 How high will this thing go, Al? 388 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,411 - Gilda. Gilda. - Say hello to the cameras, boys. 389 00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:33,780 There's home base... 390 00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,148 Kid, this ain't an armory. 391 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,983 No one's gonna notice the difference. 392 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,151 I'll tell you who'll notice. 393 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,319 A few of the fine folks at home... 394 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,154 who lugged M16s through four feet of swamp juice 395 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,255 in Quang Nam. 396 00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,723 Hey, boys! 397 00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:45,725 Guess I picked the wrong day to not wear underwear. 398 00:13:45,725 --> 00:13:46,793 Don't look too hard. 399 00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:47,894 Proud of yourself? 400 00:13:47,894 --> 00:13:49,596 I'll give you and this circus till the end of the week. 401 00:13:49,763 --> 00:13:51,464 That's funny. 'Cause I give you till the end of the day. 402 00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,934 JOE: All right, everyone. Let's get this thing cleaned up. 403 00:13:54,934 --> 00:13:55,835 Ah, ah, ah, ah... 404 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:58,805 Grab a light, broom, dustpan. We'll get all this glass. 405 00:13:58,805 --> 00:13:59,939 Mmm-mmm. 406 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:02,942 Thank you, hermano. 407 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:05,578 LORNE: All right, Neil, not with the keys right now. 408 00:14:11,418 --> 00:14:14,487 Pow, pow! Pow, pow! [CHUCKLES] 409 00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:16,489 Hey, come on, man. 410 00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:18,158 Violence? Really? 411 00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:21,428 Ha-ha! My main man, Jim! 412 00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:25,632 Say, sorry for shooting your Muppets, man. 413 00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:27,333 They're not just... 414 00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:29,302 They're your co-stars. 415 00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:33,740 Is that you? You all right there, Jim? 416 00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:35,642 Yes. 417 00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,110 No. 418 00:14:39,145 --> 00:14:42,749 I don't think the writers on the 17th floor speak Muppet. 419 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,510 They tied a belt around Big Bird's neck... 420 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:48,210 and hung him from my dressing room door. 421 00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:50,557 Hey, I heard about Big Bird. I'm so sorry. 422 00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,826 Autoerotic asphyxiation. Who knew? 423 00:14:52,826 --> 00:14:55,161 [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] You're full of baloney. 424 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:56,830 - Uh-oh. Cursing. - STEW: Consider me... 425 00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:58,998 the first rat off this sinkin' ship! 426 00:14:59,165 --> 00:15:00,800 - Oh, really? - Don't jump to... 427 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,837 Oh, wow, that's mature. Well, what can I say? Bon voyage. 428 00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:06,600 Lorne, he was our lighting director. We need lights. 429 00:15:06,172 --> 00:15:07,240 I'm sure there's someone else in the building... 430 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:08,842 - who can push a button, ****. - Hey, he's the only one 431 00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:11,144 who knows the location of the 200 lights you asked for. 432 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,246 What is this? 433 00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,316 What's the meaning of this? Who did this? 434 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:17,584 [LAUGHTER] 435 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,419 Hey, I thought we were making a comedy! 436 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,921 [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] 437 00:15:28,194 --> 00:15:30,230 [INSTRUMENTS PLAYING] 438 00:15:35,235 --> 00:15:38,505 - [VOCALIZING] - Mmm... 439 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,106 Sounding good, guys. 440 00:15:41,875 --> 00:15:43,443 Yeah. Okay. 441 00:15:44,511 --> 00:15:45,945 - All right. - Say, uh... 442 00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,714 we actually worked together before. 443 00:15:47,881 --> 00:15:50,283 I sang backup for Belafonte. 444 00:15:51,217 --> 00:15:53,586 [CHUCKLES] Catch that? 445 00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,880 [CHUCKLES] 446 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,257 ♪ Drink the coconut water ♪ 447 00:15:57,424 --> 00:15:58,425 BAND: ♪ Four to five! ♪ 448 00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:00,360 ♪ Man, it's good For you daughter... ♪ 449 00:16:00,527 --> 00:16:01,594 BAND: ♪ Four to five! ♪ 450 00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:04,640 ♪ Coco got a lotta iron ♪ 451 00:16:05,980 --> 00:16:07,100 [LAUGHTER] 452 00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:10,770 The guy is singing, too. 453 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,540 How many people do they have playin' tonight? 454 00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:17,143 No. No, no. See, I am one of the comedic performers, man. 455 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,812 - Yeah, I'm in the cast. - Uh-huh. 456 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,948 You are a professional comedian? 457 00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:24,784 Uh... Well, uh... No, not... Not... Not... 458 00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,386 - Not by trade. - Okay. 459 00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:27,921 Uh... You see, I'm actually a playwright. 460 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:29,756 - All right. - Perhaps you saw my work... 461 00:16:29,923 --> 00:16:32,826 at the Black Arts Repertory Theatre in Harlem. 462 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,494 Yeah, I must have missed that. 463 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,396 [KEYBOARD PLAYING] 464 00:16:36,396 --> 00:16:38,798 Yeah. I actually don't know why they hired me, man. 465 00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:39,899 [CHUCKLES] 466 00:16:41,670 --> 00:16:42,469 Yeah, you seem a little tight. 467 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:43,770 - A little... - Do I? 468 00:16:43,937 --> 00:16:46,106 Yeah, you gotta kinda loosen it up for the show. 469 00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:47,440 Say, Alvin... 470 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:48,975 Hook Mr... 471 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:50,977 - What's your name? - Garrett Morris. 472 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,279 Garrett Morris, y'all, the comedian. 473 00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:54,948 Yeah, hook Mr. Garrett Morris up... 474 00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:58,118 with a little bit of confidence. You know what I'm saying? 475 00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:00,820 - Yeah, come... - Okay. 476 00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:02,188 Go ahead and get it. 477 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,356 Medical grade. 478 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,859 Shit so light, air at the bottom of the bottle. 479 00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:07,270 You're gonna float. 480 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:08,995 Float? 481 00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,131 - I'm gonna put this away. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 482 00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,333 This is illegal. 483 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:14,434 [CHUCKLES] 484 00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:17,170 Yeah, well, you're gonna need it. For your comedy. 485 00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:19,500 - Right. Right. - Yeah. 486 00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:20,173 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 487 00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:21,341 - Yeah. Yeah. - All right. 488 00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:23,643 - All right, y'all, let's get it. - JOE: Scotty, sound check. 489 00:17:23,810 --> 00:17:25,345 All right, everyone, quiet for sound check. 490 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,347 - Sound check! - [BAND PLAYING] 491 00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:28,381 This should be fun. 492 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,450 [MUSIC PLAYING] 493 00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:34,954 [MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING] 494 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:39,726 Is this full volume? 495 00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:41,227 The whole enchilada. 496 00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:42,896 Sounds pretty adequate to me. 497 00:17:42,896 --> 00:17:44,197 Well, this isn't Wimbledon. 498 00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,533 It needs to feel like a rock concert for everyone at home. 499 00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,668 Lorne has such a deep appreciation for music. 500 00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,700 Shouldn't we have more mics? 501 00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:51,471 One band, one mic. 502 00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:56,343 ****, this needs to be fixed for tonight. 503 00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:57,911 That's what I've been talking about. 504 00:17:58,780 --> 00:17:59,412 Three, four. 505 00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:08,888 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this for John? 506 00:18:09,550 --> 00:18:10,190 Yeah, I heard he's in makeup. 507 00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:11,991 Do you like being yelled at or something? 508 00:18:12,158 --> 00:18:13,193 Here, I've got you. 509 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,595 - Where are you going? - [INCOHERENT MUMBLING] 510 00:18:27,730 --> 00:18:30,100 Jimmy, do not bet on that hand, please. 511 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,216 Can you hold the door? 512 00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:38,885 Yeah, I think so. 513 00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:40,530 Ooh. 514 00:18:40,530 --> 00:18:42,188 - Easy on the macaroni, Carmine. - CARMINE: All right. 515 00:18:42,188 --> 00:18:44,240 ROSIE: You don't want to hurt your stomach. 516 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,910 CARMINE: All right, Rosie. 517 00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:52,320 ROSIE: There he is... 518 00:18:52,198 --> 00:18:54,601 the star of the show. 519 00:18:54,768 --> 00:18:57,404 Come on, Rosie. Not the ****ing bees! 520 00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:01,307 I'm not a dashboard ornament. 521 00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:04,944 No, you're adorable, is what you are... 522 00:19:05,412 --> 00:19:09,149 and all that fur, every girl's gonna want to squeeze you. 523 00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:12,752 I am a trained professional. 524 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,555 Well, you better watch where you point that stinger. 525 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,892 Come on. You want a little cig? 526 00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:23,797 What happened to my reporter costume? Blaine Hotel? 527 00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:25,980 It's a five-second changeover 528 00:19:25,980 --> 00:19:26,599 from the reporter to ancient Greece, okay? 529 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,968 Lorne didn't think you'd have time to get into your toga. 530 00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:30,737 Okay. 531 00:19:35,909 --> 00:19:37,944 Excuse me, ma'am. 532 00:19:38,111 --> 00:19:39,145 Don't be alarmed. 533 00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:42,682 You're dealing with a fully-qualified male strumpet. 534 00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:45,251 Hey, Rosie, I got the latest version of New Dad. 535 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:46,419 Okay. 536 00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,880 Behave. 537 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:49,823 Bee-have. 538 00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:53,860 DAN: I can assure you professional hygiene... 539 00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,763 discretion, animal gratification... 540 00:19:56,930 --> 00:19:57,931 Listen, strumpet... 541 00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:00,330 It's Fred Garvin. Male prostitute. 542 00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,534 How much is this gonna cost me? 543 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,370 Hey, need you in costumes. 544 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,805 I told them to make those hot pants extra hot. 545 00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:07,700 Yummy. 546 00:20:07,173 --> 00:20:09,342 Lorne, we're gonna go check out the cut on New Dad, 547 00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:10,443 you want to see? 548 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,460 [CLATTERING, CRASH] 549 00:20:13,460 --> 00:20:15,715 Holy shit, holy shit. Sorry, Lorne. Jesus. 550 00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:17,283 Hey, I heard John doesn't like the bee costume. 551 00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:18,351 You know anything about this? 552 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,353 It's not a costume problem. He thinks he's Brando. 553 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,621 - He's better than Brando. - Lorne, Lorne. 554 00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:22,822 I'm working on it, ****. 555 00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:24,824 He's better than Brando. He's more important even. 556 00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:26,860 - He'll be studied. - They will study his liver. 557 00:20:26,860 --> 00:20:28,862 John is better when he's angry. 558 00:20:28,862 --> 00:20:30,463 Rose, you understand that in an hour, 559 00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:31,564 I owe a television program? 560 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:32,699 I made a covenant with the National... 561 00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:33,800 - Broadcasting Company. - A covenant, huh? 562 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,969 Yeah, a covenant, and I'm on the hook for 90 minutes... 563 00:20:35,969 --> 00:20:37,971 - of live television. - Okay, Abraham. 564 00:20:39,639 --> 00:20:42,976 Rose, must you turn him into a bee? 565 00:20:43,143 --> 00:20:44,344 I am not turning him into a bee. 566 00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:45,412 Thanks, Tom. 567 00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,647 He is a man in a bee costume. 568 00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:49,820 - There is a difference. - Hmm. 569 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,850 It's an image you can't get out of your head. 570 00:20:52,252 --> 00:20:56,220 It's postmodern, it's Warhol, it's iconic. 571 00:20:56,220 --> 00:20:57,257 Mmm-hmm. 572 00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:58,591 Where do these ideas even come from? 573 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:01,394 I just send an imaginary dog to fetch an imaginary stick. 574 00:21:01,561 --> 00:21:02,896 LORNE: Yeah? Must be some dog. 575 00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:04,764 ROSIE: He's very well trained. 576 00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:06,366 Honey, I'm home. 577 00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:07,600 Hey, pal. 578 00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:09,936 Hey. [LAUGHS] 579 00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:11,370 How are ya? 580 00:21:11,370 --> 00:21:12,939 LORNE: Looks like Chevy's fiancée slipped and fell 581 00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,207 into another segment. 582 00:21:14,207 --> 00:21:16,509 Jacqueline's gonna be hosting the show if you're not careful. 583 00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:17,711 Jesus Christ. 584 00:21:18,780 --> 00:21:19,713 NARRATOR: A wonderful family. 585 00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:21,470 Everything you need... 586 00:21:21,470 --> 00:21:22,150 - [ROSIE LAUGHS] - ...for the future. 587 00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:23,950 - Danny's good in this. - Yeah, he is. 588 00:21:24,117 --> 00:21:27,120 What if you were suddenly out of the picture? 589 00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:29,890 Can we add sound there over the X? 590 00:21:29,255 --> 00:21:31,591 - EDITOR: Like a buzzer? - No, funny, like a bell. 591 00:21:31,758 --> 00:21:32,859 LORNE: Good call. 592 00:21:33,393 --> 00:21:34,761 ROSIE: And if we could hold on the photo 593 00:21:34,761 --> 00:21:36,620 for another eight frames. 594 00:21:36,620 --> 00:21:37,397 LORNE: Um, 16 frames. 595 00:21:39,966 --> 00:21:41,201 Were you... 596 00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:44,604 thinking of going home with him tonight? 597 00:21:45,238 --> 00:21:46,439 With Danny? Tonight? 598 00:21:46,873 --> 00:21:48,410 Yeah. I mean, I'm not suggesting that you weren't gonna tell me. 599 00:21:48,410 --> 00:21:49,109 If you need alone time, I can, I just... 600 00:21:49,109 --> 00:21:50,377 No, no, no. I just didn't know, like, if you were... 601 00:21:50,377 --> 00:21:52,278 It's opening night. So, I figured that it wasn't 602 00:21:52,278 --> 00:21:53,780 - the right time. - I mean, neither did I. 603 00:21:53,947 --> 00:21:55,115 Well, then why are you asking? 604 00:21:55,281 --> 00:21:57,217 Just avoiding surprises, Rose. 605 00:21:57,384 --> 00:21:59,219 - But you love surprises. - I love surprises. 606 00:21:59,386 --> 00:22:01,554 Like Anne Frank loved her drum set. 607 00:22:01,554 --> 00:22:03,656 - [EDITOR CHUCKLES] - LORNE: Don't encourage her. 608 00:22:04,557 --> 00:22:05,558 Can you hold on the photo 609 00:22:05,558 --> 00:22:06,760 for another eight frames, please? 610 00:22:06,926 --> 00:22:07,927 It's always eight frames. 611 00:22:08,940 --> 00:22:10,960 Eight frames is a beat. So... 612 00:22:12,165 --> 00:22:13,967 Can you believe I need to cut an hour of the show? 613 00:22:14,134 --> 00:22:16,469 NBC doesn't want a three-hour sketch comedy review? 614 00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:18,338 Jesus, Rose, don't call it that, please. 615 00:22:18,505 --> 00:22:20,600 Well, what is it, then? 616 00:22:20,173 --> 00:22:21,441 Honey, I'm home. 617 00:22:21,608 --> 00:22:23,610 MAN: Yes, it's New Dad. 618 00:22:23,777 --> 00:22:25,245 I spent years collecting orphaned comedians 619 00:22:25,245 --> 00:22:26,312 off the street. 620 00:22:26,479 --> 00:22:27,614 I know. 621 00:22:27,781 --> 00:22:29,649 They sleep on our dinette and they whiz in our sink. 622 00:22:29,816 --> 00:22:30,984 By some miraculous accident... 623 00:22:31,151 --> 00:22:32,585 I found a place to call home 624 00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:34,870 for our little circus of rejects, 625 00:22:34,870 --> 00:22:35,488 on national television. 626 00:22:35,655 --> 00:22:37,123 Rose, this is our shot. 627 00:22:37,290 --> 00:22:38,758 It's a shot. 628 00:22:38,925 --> 00:22:39,926 Rose... 629 00:22:42,429 --> 00:22:43,630 You're actually nervous. 630 00:22:44,297 --> 00:22:45,465 [MONITOR ROLLING] 631 00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:49,369 LORNE: Oh, uh... 632 00:22:50,103 --> 00:22:51,938 Barbara was asking about, um... 633 00:22:52,539 --> 00:22:55,709 your credit... on the show. 634 00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,711 I figured you'd go with Michaels. 635 00:22:57,877 --> 00:22:59,112 Is that what you want? 636 00:23:00,180 --> 00:23:01,448 [SIGHS] 637 00:23:01,448 --> 00:23:04,284 I mean, you know, we're married and you're my wife. 638 00:23:04,451 --> 00:23:06,786 I figured it's the straightest line. 639 00:23:06,953 --> 00:23:08,855 Lorne, we're married, but I'm not your wife. 640 00:23:09,220 --> 00:23:11,124 Yeah, I don't think that'll fit on a crawl. 641 00:23:11,291 --> 00:23:12,792 Well, what would you prefer? 642 00:23:16,463 --> 00:23:17,797 Lorne, Lorne, NBC execs 643 00:23:17,797 --> 00:23:19,199 are waiting in the green room for you. 644 00:23:19,399 --> 00:23:21,301 - ****. - VTR needed this yesterday. 645 00:23:21,468 --> 00:23:22,635 Well, it looks great. 646 00:23:24,838 --> 00:23:27,407 - Tom, Al, what's this about? - BOTH: Hey, Lorne. 647 00:23:27,574 --> 00:23:29,542 - A last-minute piece. - Just in case you need it. 648 00:23:29,709 --> 00:23:30,844 I don't. What's the gag? 649 00:23:31,110 --> 00:23:33,313 We're gonna dress Aykroyd up as Julia Childs. 650 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:34,914 - America's favorite chef. - Okay. 651 00:23:35,810 --> 00:23:37,500 And right as she's carvin' up a turkey on live television... 652 00:23:37,217 --> 00:23:39,252 She slices open an artery. Blood everywhere. 653 00:23:39,419 --> 00:23:40,587 Everywhere. 654 00:23:42,355 --> 00:23:43,356 That's the whole pitch? 655 00:23:43,523 --> 00:23:44,524 Yeah, just America's favorite chef 656 00:23:44,524 --> 00:23:45,592 painting the walls with her insides. 657 00:23:45,592 --> 00:23:46,693 Total gore fest. 658 00:23:46,693 --> 00:23:48,610 It's gonna be utter carnage, boss. 659 00:23:48,610 --> 00:23:50,630 Oh, no, I'm Julia Childs 660 00:23:50,630 --> 00:23:52,265 and I've cut the ****ens out of my finger. 661 00:23:52,265 --> 00:23:53,533 - Sounds promising. - Wait, wait, boss. 662 00:23:53,533 --> 00:23:54,667 I didn't even get to the good part yet. 663 00:23:54,667 --> 00:23:55,735 Just put down a tarp. 664 00:23:55,735 --> 00:23:57,270 Yeah, he doesn't like the Julia Childs bit. 665 00:23:57,270 --> 00:23:58,705 - Uh, George... - [THUD] 666 00:23:58,705 --> 00:24:00,674 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 667 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:02,776 - How's Carlin? - Warming up the pipes. 668 00:24:02,776 --> 00:24:05,545 Okay, well, heard Belushi hasn't signed his contract yet. 669 00:24:05,545 --> 00:24:06,846 Eh. Formality. 670 00:24:06,846 --> 00:24:09,820 Uh, yeah, well, they're pretty formal here. 671 00:24:09,820 --> 00:24:11,451 Uh, speaking of, the folks in standards are a little uneasy... 672 00:24:11,451 --> 00:24:12,585 about the parody commercial 673 00:24:12,585 --> 00:24:14,870 playing right before the regular ads. 674 00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:15,922 I think they think the viewers might be a little confused. 675 00:24:15,922 --> 00:24:17,924 One might argue that's what makes it humorous, ****. 676 00:24:17,924 --> 00:24:19,292 ****: Yeah, but, Lorne, at what point are we 677 00:24:19,292 --> 00:24:20,627 not just making fun of the audience? 678 00:24:20,627 --> 00:24:22,462 Hardly. It's commedia dell'arte. If anything, 679 00:24:22,462 --> 00:24:24,564 it'll make the other commercials feel all the more real... 680 00:24:24,731 --> 00:24:26,466 and the sponsors will probably thank you. 681 00:24:27,330 --> 00:24:28,134 Who's in there? Should I be concerned? 682 00:24:28,301 --> 00:24:29,936 No. Just try not to use words 683 00:24:29,936 --> 00:24:31,638 like "underground" or "revolutionary." 684 00:24:31,805 --> 00:24:32,906 I'm not exactly Che Guevara. 685 00:24:33,730 --> 00:24:34,740 Yeah. 686 00:24:34,740 --> 00:24:35,709 - [MUSIC STOPS] - [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] 687 00:24:35,809 --> 00:24:37,277 What the ****? There's like a thousand people in there. 688 00:24:37,444 --> 00:24:39,713 Fifty. The affiliates, from across the country. 689 00:24:39,879 --> 00:24:40,947 Lorne, they're excited to see the show. 690 00:24:41,114 --> 00:24:42,215 I don't have time for this, ****. 691 00:24:42,382 --> 00:24:44,500 Lorne, these are the people that will decide 692 00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:45,585 whether or not we have a hit. 693 00:24:45,752 --> 00:24:48,555 They choose whether we go on the air. We need them. 694 00:24:49,255 --> 00:24:50,256 [EXHALES] 695 00:24:51,224 --> 00:24:52,792 - Three minutes? - Tops. 696 00:24:54,728 --> 00:24:56,596 Gentlemen. Hello. Lorne Michaels. 697 00:24:56,763 --> 00:24:58,980 Hi. Lorne Michaels. 698 00:24:58,264 --> 00:25:00,567 Hi. Lorne Michaels. Nice to meet you. Pleasure. 699 00:25:00,734 --> 00:25:02,469 Lorne Michaels. This is my show. 700 00:25:02,635 --> 00:25:05,500 Hi, where are we flying in from, gentlemen? Chicago and... 701 00:25:05,171 --> 00:25:07,140 - New Orleans. - New Orleans? Wow. Fantastic. 702 00:25:07,307 --> 00:25:09,776 Well, we're very lucky to have some Southerners here. 703 00:25:09,943 --> 00:25:11,177 Hi. Nice to meet you. 704 00:25:11,344 --> 00:25:14,247 Hi, gentlemen. Lorne Michaels. I'm the creator of the show. 705 00:25:14,414 --> 00:25:16,449 Hi. Wow. Firm handshake. Hi. 706 00:25:16,616 --> 00:25:19,190 I appreciate your support, gentlemen. Thank you. Hello. Hi. 707 00:25:19,185 --> 00:25:20,954 - MAN: Tallahassee. - Tallahassee? Wow. 708 00:25:21,121 --> 00:25:22,789 - Ladies and gentlemen. - Hi. 709 00:25:24,290 --> 00:25:25,291 Who am I kidding? Gentlemen... 710 00:25:28,940 --> 00:25:29,195 Can I see that? 711 00:25:29,929 --> 00:25:30,930 Thank you. 712 00:25:32,980 --> 00:25:33,266 Hope this isn't the only thing 713 00:25:33,266 --> 00:25:34,934 getting sucked on this weekend, boys. 714 00:25:34,934 --> 00:25:35,935 [LAUGHTER] 715 00:25:35,935 --> 00:25:38,304 Jesus, you guys look like the cast of Godfather 716 00:25:38,304 --> 00:25:40,600 if it was shot in Alabama. 717 00:25:40,340 --> 00:25:41,841 [LAUGHTER] 718 00:25:41,841 --> 00:25:43,710 I see some cowboys here. 719 00:25:43,877 --> 00:25:45,645 That's a hell of a 10-gallon hat. 720 00:25:45,812 --> 00:25:47,647 You look like you're ready for a date with a livestock. 721 00:25:47,647 --> 00:25:49,616 [LAUGHTER] 722 00:25:50,350 --> 00:25:51,818 CHEVY: Welcome to New York. 723 00:25:51,985 --> 00:25:53,153 It's quite diverse. 724 00:25:53,486 --> 00:25:54,854 If you want to meet Black people, go to Harlem. 725 00:25:55,210 --> 00:25:57,570 If you want to meet Jews, come to our writer's room. 726 00:25:57,570 --> 00:25:58,892 [LAUGHTER] 727 00:25:58,892 --> 00:26:00,894 CHEVY: Sir, you look like you're from Ohio. 728 00:26:01,610 --> 00:26:03,730 My favorite thing about Ohio... 729 00:26:06,466 --> 00:26:08,100 Let me introduce you to our head writer... 730 00:26:08,802 --> 00:26:11,638 our prince of darkness, Michael O'Donoghue. 731 00:26:12,405 --> 00:26:14,474 Thank you. Thank you, Chevy. 732 00:26:14,474 --> 00:26:17,210 Um, I'm certain you all know Mr. Rogers. 733 00:26:17,377 --> 00:26:19,579 Perhaps the most kind and gentle man 734 00:26:19,579 --> 00:26:20,814 in all of television. 735 00:26:20,980 --> 00:26:24,484 This is my impression of Mr. Rogers... 736 00:26:24,651 --> 00:26:27,821 plunging 18-inch steel sewing needles... 737 00:26:27,987 --> 00:26:28,988 into his eyes. 738 00:26:29,322 --> 00:26:30,190 [CLEARS THROAT] 739 00:26:34,527 --> 00:26:36,496 - [SMACK] - [SCREAMING] 740 00:26:36,496 --> 00:26:38,765 [LAUGHTER] 741 00:26:42,350 --> 00:26:44,204 Okay. Okay. Thank you, Michael. 742 00:26:44,204 --> 00:26:45,238 Um... 743 00:26:45,538 --> 00:26:47,707 Well, now you know why they put us on at midnight. 744 00:26:47,707 --> 00:26:48,742 Um... 745 00:26:51,277 --> 00:26:53,179 Uh, hello, everybody, my name is Lorne Michaels. 746 00:26:53,346 --> 00:26:57,117 I'm the producer and creator of Saturday Night. 747 00:26:59,850 --> 00:27:00,787 We have a wonderful show for you this evening. 748 00:27:00,954 --> 00:27:04,570 George Carlin, the great Billy Preston... 749 00:27:05,191 --> 00:27:06,292 a film by Albert Brooks. 750 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:08,928 Jim Henson's Muppets. 751 00:27:08,928 --> 00:27:09,929 [LAUGHING] 752 00:27:09,929 --> 00:27:12,565 [SIGHS] We're, uh, excited for tonight. 753 00:27:13,133 --> 00:27:14,367 Uh... 754 00:27:14,367 --> 00:27:16,736 Because there's never been a television show... 755 00:27:16,903 --> 00:27:20,106 made for or by the generation... 756 00:27:20,273 --> 00:27:23,760 that grew up watching television. So... 757 00:27:26,246 --> 00:27:29,983 In the words of my dear friend Che Guevara... 758 00:27:30,483 --> 00:27:32,385 - this is the revolution. - [SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE] 759 00:27:32,385 --> 00:27:33,453 Yes. Yes. 760 00:27:33,453 --> 00:27:34,988 [CHEERS] 761 00:27:34,988 --> 00:27:36,222 Who's with us? 762 00:27:36,389 --> 00:27:37,724 Heads on pikes! 763 00:27:38,391 --> 00:27:40,960 - Blood will run in the streets! - [CHEERS] 764 00:27:42,462 --> 00:27:43,763 Gentlemen, behold... 765 00:27:44,397 --> 00:27:45,565 if you listen closely, you can hear... 766 00:27:45,732 --> 00:27:48,101 Buffalo Bob shuckin' the cob with Howdy Doody. 767 00:27:48,268 --> 00:27:49,336 Lorne can get a little passionate. 768 00:27:49,336 --> 00:27:50,804 And so can Chevy. [CHUCKLES] 769 00:27:51,171 --> 00:27:52,305 - Blood in the streets? - Yeah. 770 00:27:52,472 --> 00:27:54,140 - Well, that sounds delightful. - Mmm-hmm 771 00:27:54,307 --> 00:27:56,643 How much are we spending on this insurrection? 772 00:27:56,643 --> 00:27:58,912 Uh, about 250 an episode. 773 00:27:59,790 --> 00:28:01,114 Well, I guess revolutions aren't cheap. 774 00:28:01,114 --> 00:28:02,182 [CHUCKLES] Right. 775 00:28:02,349 --> 00:28:04,784 LORNE: What is this? Absolutely not. 776 00:28:04,951 --> 00:28:06,953 No. No, no, no. We're not gonna beg for their approval. 777 00:28:06,953 --> 00:28:08,880 No, take it down, we don't need this. 778 00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:09,155 Well, you know... 779 00:28:09,155 --> 00:28:10,690 Lorne Michaels is a special bird, you know. 780 00:28:10,690 --> 00:28:11,791 He believes in his vision. 781 00:28:12,625 --> 00:28:14,194 Well, that's nice. 782 00:28:15,128 --> 00:28:15,962 Mmm... 783 00:28:17,364 --> 00:28:18,798 And he doesn't really bend. 784 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:22,769 We know how that story goes. 785 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:25,772 [CHUCKLES] Mmm-hmm. 786 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:29,175 CHEVY: Des Moines. How'd you escape? 787 00:28:29,342 --> 00:28:31,111 Well, I appreciate you saying that. 788 00:28:31,678 --> 00:28:34,114 My father had good taste and my mom was an alcoholic. 789 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:37,851 Excuse me, gentlemen. Can I borrow him for a moment? 790 00:28:38,284 --> 00:28:39,719 Enjoy the show, gentlemen. 791 00:28:40,854 --> 00:28:42,455 You held that room like a pro. 792 00:28:42,455 --> 00:28:44,491 - [CHUCKLES] Thank you. - I mean it. 793 00:28:44,891 --> 00:28:46,960 I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent. 794 00:28:47,127 --> 00:28:49,162 You know, I handle The Tonight Show. 795 00:28:49,496 --> 00:28:50,730 I didn't know that. 796 00:28:51,698 --> 00:28:52,699 Between us... 797 00:28:52,866 --> 00:28:55,168 Johnny Carson isn't gonna be around forever. 798 00:28:55,168 --> 00:28:56,690 [CHUCKLES] 799 00:28:56,736 --> 00:28:57,904 Think about it. 800 00:28:59,706 --> 00:29:01,875 You're a handsome, funny gentile. 801 00:29:03,977 --> 00:29:05,311 That means something. 802 00:29:17,490 --> 00:29:19,726 Uh, Lorne, you remember Dave Tebet. 803 00:29:20,493 --> 00:29:21,528 LORNE: Oh, of course. 804 00:29:21,695 --> 00:29:22,862 I remember everyone who gives me a job, ****. 805 00:29:23,290 --> 00:29:24,197 Smart kid. 806 00:29:24,364 --> 00:29:25,899 Quite a lineup this evening. 807 00:29:26,660 --> 00:29:27,600 You know, while I have you, I do understand 808 00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:29,350 that we are bending some of the rules... 809 00:29:29,202 --> 00:29:31,504 Lorne, this is NBC. There is a way things are done. 810 00:29:31,671 --> 00:29:33,390 - The Pea**** way. - Right. 811 00:29:33,206 --> 00:29:34,240 Well, we are thinking a little differently. 812 00:29:34,240 --> 00:29:35,342 We just, you know... 813 00:29:35,342 --> 00:29:36,676 You know, maybe an emu. 814 00:29:36,676 --> 00:29:37,777 [CHUCKLES] Hey, that's... Well, I just... 815 00:29:37,944 --> 00:29:39,120 ****, shut the **** up. 816 00:29:40,780 --> 00:29:44,117 Can't you see talent when it's standing inches from your face? 817 00:29:44,117 --> 00:29:45,752 - ****: Mmm-hmm. - What do you think he's gonna do? 818 00:29:45,919 --> 00:29:48,188 Embarrass us with some half-***ed, 819 00:29:48,188 --> 00:29:49,689 rat-**** donkey show? 820 00:29:49,856 --> 00:29:51,424 Frankly, that's exactly what I signed up for. 821 00:29:51,591 --> 00:29:53,293 - Michael. - I expect you... 822 00:29:53,460 --> 00:29:57,300 to be an unbending force of seismic disturbance. 823 00:29:57,397 --> 00:30:01,101 Light up that NBC switchboard like a bomb went off. 824 00:30:01,101 --> 00:30:03,636 [CHUCKLES] Well, I promise not to play the music too loud. 825 00:30:03,636 --> 00:30:06,906 Oh, **** that. This isn't the Moose Jaw Jazz Festival. 826 00:30:07,730 --> 00:30:08,241 It's Saturday ****ing Night. 827 00:30:08,408 --> 00:30:10,410 I want you to be thunderous and deafening. 828 00:30:10,577 --> 00:30:13,380 If my ears don't bleed, I'll be asking for a refund. 829 00:30:13,546 --> 00:30:15,315 Great. I mean, I've always seen this 830 00:30:15,315 --> 00:30:16,449 as a collision that erupts... 831 00:30:16,616 --> 00:30:18,118 - from every screen in America. - Yes. Yes. 832 00:30:18,284 --> 00:30:20,620 A prism that captures the light of an emerging generation. 833 00:30:20,787 --> 00:30:22,922 Stop! Don't say another word. 834 00:30:23,890 --> 00:30:26,559 Don't question another instinct. 835 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:28,395 - Ebersol? - Yes? 836 00:30:31,898 --> 00:30:32,899 Yeah, he certainly talks like a... 837 00:30:33,660 --> 00:30:36,136 A man with a vision. 838 00:30:36,569 --> 00:30:38,738 And I want you to take that vision... 839 00:30:39,239 --> 00:30:40,840 like a Sherman Tank... 840 00:30:41,700 --> 00:30:44,444 and plow through any **** that gets in your way. 841 00:30:44,611 --> 00:30:45,979 - Even me. - [ELEVATOR DINGS] 842 00:30:47,313 --> 00:30:50,160 "Use emotion for the many and reserve reason for the few." 843 00:30:50,450 --> 00:30:51,518 I like that. 844 00:30:52,118 --> 00:30:53,820 I'm putting it on my wall. 845 00:30:56,923 --> 00:30:58,425 Was that a Hitler quote? 846 00:30:58,425 --> 00:31:00,930 Atrocities aside, the man was a wordsmith. 847 00:31:00,930 --> 00:31:01,594 You missed a call from Johnny Carson. 848 00:31:01,594 --> 00:31:02,829 I picked up the phone 'cause it was ringing. 849 00:31:02,829 --> 00:31:03,930 What did you tell him? 850 00:31:03,930 --> 00:31:05,665 I told... I don't remember. He hung up on me. 851 00:31:05,665 --> 00:31:07,100 Lorne, Lorne. Is that a bunk bed? 852 00:31:07,100 --> 00:31:08,601 I did have a UFO encounter experience once. 853 00:31:08,768 --> 00:31:09,769 Danny ordered it for his office. 854 00:31:09,936 --> 00:31:12,105 That's confidence. Can you find me something to eat? 855 00:31:12,272 --> 00:31:14,341 ****: Neil, why would he order a bunk bed? 856 00:31:14,341 --> 00:31:15,709 - [WOMEN LAUGHING] - [PLAYING PIANO] 857 00:31:15,942 --> 00:31:17,310 Could you get that hippie shit out of my face? 858 00:31:17,310 --> 00:31:18,845 And I am actually very strong. 859 00:31:18,845 --> 00:31:19,946 Thinking that he can do the voice? 860 00:31:19,946 --> 00:31:21,681 - It's Aykroyd. Of course he can. - It's Aykroyd. 861 00:31:21,681 --> 00:31:22,816 But that doesn't necessarily mean anything. 862 00:31:22,982 --> 00:31:23,983 Hello, boys. 863 00:31:24,150 --> 00:31:25,785 - Hey, Mike. Are you nervous? - Hey, Mike. 864 00:31:25,952 --> 00:31:27,687 - Nervous about what? - Performing on live TV. 865 00:31:27,854 --> 00:31:29,550 I'd be shitting bricks. 866 00:31:29,222 --> 00:31:32,859 Television is merely a lava lamp with slightly better audio. 867 00:31:33,526 --> 00:31:35,562 Colored beads to fascinate the animal. 868 00:31:35,729 --> 00:31:37,364 I could do it in a narcoleptic coma. 869 00:31:37,530 --> 00:31:39,532 Hello, Herb. How's Update coming? 870 00:31:39,699 --> 00:31:42,135 South Vietnam has seized and burned 871 00:31:42,135 --> 00:31:44,371 100,000 Playboy magazines. 872 00:31:44,537 --> 00:31:45,839 I'm still working on the punch line. 873 00:31:47,240 --> 00:31:50,143 For miles, all anyone could smell was roast bunny. 874 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:55,810 That's the one. Grab it, boys. We need that couch. 875 00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:57,417 - Rise and shine. - Oh, God. 876 00:31:58,510 --> 00:31:59,586 - Coming through, coming through. - Whoo! Okay. 877 00:31:59,586 --> 00:32:01,540 [LAUGHTER] 878 00:32:01,540 --> 00:32:02,155 Oh, pages. 879 00:32:02,155 --> 00:32:03,223 - Watch your back. - MAN: Coming through. 880 00:32:03,223 --> 00:32:05,225 GILDA: Oh. Here we are. 881 00:32:07,260 --> 00:32:08,395 You all right there, Chev? 882 00:32:09,896 --> 00:32:11,970 Things are... 883 00:32:11,898 --> 00:32:13,233 kooper kippy, Herb. 884 00:32:13,900 --> 00:32:15,201 I think it just happened. 885 00:32:15,368 --> 00:32:17,537 Think I got the old shoulder tap. 886 00:32:18,605 --> 00:32:19,839 - The what? - You know... 887 00:32:20,507 --> 00:32:22,800 from the guys upstairs. 888 00:32:23,209 --> 00:32:25,679 What's gonna happen to me? I mean, Herb... 889 00:32:26,913 --> 00:32:30,160 you've been around the block. Where am I going from here? 890 00:32:30,183 --> 00:32:31,251 Well, I don't know, Chevy. 891 00:32:31,618 --> 00:32:33,286 I never got a shoulder tap. 892 00:32:34,540 --> 00:32:35,588 I just made a fortune... 893 00:32:35,755 --> 00:32:37,590 and won a few Emmys... 894 00:32:37,757 --> 00:32:38,925 and slept with Gloria Steinem. 895 00:32:39,392 --> 00:32:40,393 Two out of three ain't bad. 896 00:32:40,727 --> 00:32:41,728 GILDA: Here we are. 897 00:32:42,295 --> 00:32:43,897 LARAINE: Oh, wow, you're in so many scenes. 898 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:47,600 Well... Yeah, but I'm always everyone's kid sister. 899 00:32:47,767 --> 00:32:48,768 You're the hot one. 900 00:32:48,935 --> 00:32:50,537 I think Jane's the hot one. 901 00:32:50,704 --> 00:32:53,873 No, I'm the mom. The still-****able mom. 902 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:55,608 [PIANO KEYS PLAYING] 903 00:32:55,608 --> 00:32:57,544 My instinct is that the American people 904 00:32:57,544 --> 00:32:59,479 are gonna fall in love with you. 905 00:33:00,146 --> 00:33:03,750 You'll be obscenely overpaid for pratfalls and cute jokes. 906 00:33:03,917 --> 00:33:05,952 You'll waste away most of your life... 907 00:33:06,619 --> 00:33:08,421 with purchased company. 908 00:33:09,550 --> 00:33:10,623 And then eventually you'll self-medicate... 909 00:33:10,790 --> 00:33:13,626 with booze and hookers and heroin. 910 00:33:14,427 --> 00:33:16,229 I imagine you'll die alone. 911 00:33:17,230 --> 00:33:19,399 Falling out of a hotel room window in Stockholm. 912 00:33:19,566 --> 00:33:20,567 Jesus. 913 00:33:21,434 --> 00:33:22,435 I can't wait. 914 00:33:22,936 --> 00:33:24,571 Well, you're everyone's favorite, Gilda. 915 00:33:24,838 --> 00:33:27,730 I'm just a bagel looking for lox. 916 00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:30,143 I'm a parrot with nothing to squawk. 917 00:33:30,310 --> 00:33:31,511 Well, I keep feeling like any minute, 918 00:33:31,511 --> 00:33:33,480 Lorne's just gonna ship me back. 919 00:33:33,480 --> 00:33:36,316 Oh. No. On this budget, we can't afford the postage. 920 00:33:36,483 --> 00:33:37,650 GILDA: There's a reason you're here. 921 00:33:37,650 --> 00:33:39,850 You may not know it, but Lorne does. 922 00:33:39,850 --> 00:33:40,687 - Oh, God! - You're dealing here with... 923 00:33:40,687 --> 00:33:42,188 a fully-qualified male strumpet. 924 00:33:42,355 --> 00:33:43,923 GILDA: I'm not a prop, mister. 925 00:33:44,900 --> 00:33:46,259 You know, I can assure you professional hygiene... 926 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:49,496 discretion, animal gratification. 927 00:33:49,662 --> 00:33:51,931 Why don't you assure me a little peace and quiet? 928 00:33:52,980 --> 00:33:53,990 MICHAEL: You rang? 929 00:33:53,266 --> 00:33:54,868 Yeah. I need the Muppet pages. 930 00:33:55,350 --> 00:33:56,302 I already turned in that one script. 931 00:33:56,469 --> 00:33:57,671 Was Henson uncomfortable 932 00:33:57,671 --> 00:33:59,439 with the Muppets on a plantation? 933 00:33:59,439 --> 00:34:00,507 It was a musical number. 934 00:34:00,507 --> 00:34:01,875 I don't think that's the problem. 935 00:34:02,676 --> 00:34:05,450 I just can't write for those little hairy facecloths. 936 00:34:05,211 --> 00:34:06,212 Well, I need something for Henson. 937 00:34:06,212 --> 00:34:07,380 We go live in an hour. 938 00:34:07,981 --> 00:34:10,984 JOAN: You cannot say "horny" on NBC. 939 00:34:11,518 --> 00:34:13,219 Did you see what that evangelical **** 940 00:34:13,219 --> 00:34:14,521 did to our pages? 941 00:34:18,580 --> 00:34:19,359 I'll be right back. 942 00:34:19,592 --> 00:34:21,194 What on earth are you doing? 943 00:34:22,829 --> 00:34:25,932 I'd rather butt-**** cancer than make these changes. 944 00:34:32,205 --> 00:34:33,390 [SIGHS] 945 00:34:34,441 --> 00:34:37,210 Your words don't scare me, Mr. O'Donoghue. 946 00:34:37,377 --> 00:34:39,512 I am a woman of God. 947 00:34:39,679 --> 00:34:42,449 I'd heard that God's love is blind. Now I know why. 948 00:34:42,449 --> 00:34:44,117 [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] You see this? 949 00:34:44,351 --> 00:34:45,352 I do. 950 00:34:45,518 --> 00:34:48,355 I know it looks like an ordinary red marker... 951 00:34:48,521 --> 00:34:50,290 but this one is special. 952 00:34:50,457 --> 00:34:53,593 It has kept America safe for the better part of a decade. 953 00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:54,761 It is a weapon... 954 00:34:54,928 --> 00:34:57,764 against vulgarity, ***... 955 00:34:57,931 --> 00:35:01,234 communism, and hedonism. 956 00:35:01,434 --> 00:35:05,705 Oh. What about violence? Does it protect America from violence? 957 00:35:05,872 --> 00:35:06,906 JOAN: Yes, that too. 958 00:35:07,730 --> 00:35:08,608 How about infanticide? 959 00:35:09,242 --> 00:35:10,243 Excuse me? 960 00:35:10,410 --> 00:35:11,811 Apologies. Just a... 961 00:35:12,245 --> 00:35:14,881 $2 word for a parent who kills their own child. 962 00:35:14,881 --> 00:35:16,216 [CHUCKLING] 963 00:35:16,883 --> 00:35:18,485 The mere thought makes me nauseous. 964 00:35:18,485 --> 00:35:20,420 Oh, understandably. Me too, by the way. 965 00:35:20,420 --> 00:35:21,921 It's just I had this idea for a sketch, 966 00:35:21,921 --> 00:35:23,560 and I'm not sure if it's funny. 967 00:35:23,560 --> 00:35:24,124 You can be the judge. 968 00:35:24,290 --> 00:35:25,425 It's about this... 969 00:35:25,959 --> 00:35:27,160 powerful, temperamental guy 970 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:29,620 who rapes this virgin in the middle of the night. 971 00:35:29,620 --> 00:35:30,230 I know, awful. 972 00:35:30,397 --> 00:35:32,432 Knocks her up without ever saying "Hello..." 973 00:35:32,599 --> 00:35:33,967 - buying her flowers, whatever. - [GIGGLES] 974 00:35:33,967 --> 00:35:35,502 MICHAEL: And then... 975 00:35:35,669 --> 00:35:36,836 here's the funny part. 976 00:35:37,337 --> 00:35:38,938 He has their ******* son... 977 00:35:39,105 --> 00:35:41,908 publicly mutilated and tortured to death on a cross. 978 00:35:41,908 --> 00:35:44,244 [MUFFLED LAUGHTER] 979 00:35:44,244 --> 00:35:46,312 You are a vile human. 980 00:35:47,130 --> 00:35:48,515 Ah, ****. You've heard this before. 981 00:35:48,515 --> 00:35:49,749 [LAUGHTER] 982 00:35:50,750 --> 00:35:51,751 Mr. O'Donoghue. 983 00:35:51,918 --> 00:35:54,587 Are we still being formal? Please, just call me Satan. 984 00:35:54,587 --> 00:35:55,655 No, I am Satan. 985 00:35:56,189 --> 00:35:57,624 - I am Satan. - I am Satan. 986 00:35:57,791 --> 00:35:58,992 - I am Satan. - I'm Satan. 987 00:35:59,159 --> 00:36:00,527 - WOMAN: No. I am Satan. - MAN: We're Satan. 988 00:36:00,694 --> 00:36:04,998 You will be forgotten. I am gonna make sure of it. 989 00:36:05,632 --> 00:36:06,933 - Bye. - [FAINT LAUGHTER] 990 00:36:06,933 --> 00:36:08,868 [ALL MOCKING] 991 00:36:09,536 --> 00:36:10,770 Are you out of your mind? 992 00:36:10,770 --> 00:36:12,272 Look, for better or worse, I call it like I see it. 993 00:36:12,272 --> 00:36:13,373 Well, that was worse. 994 00:36:13,373 --> 00:36:14,641 Lorne, they need you at the loading dock. 995 00:36:14,641 --> 00:36:15,709 I'm sure someone can sign for whatever. 996 00:36:15,709 --> 00:36:16,810 You're back on the Muppets. 997 00:36:16,810 --> 00:36:18,311 - MICHAEL: **** you, I'll quit. - Yeah, I doubt that. 998 00:36:18,311 --> 00:36:19,479 It's Leo. He's been fighting 999 00:36:19,479 --> 00:36:20,780 with security, and there's blood. 1000 00:36:21,314 --> 00:36:22,716 Oh, my God. ****. 1001 00:36:23,149 --> 00:36:24,150 Oh, shit. 1002 00:36:28,154 --> 00:36:28,988 LORNE: Ah! 1003 00:36:28,988 --> 00:36:31,191 - Hey! - Hey, ****. Is this turkey? 1004 00:36:31,191 --> 00:36:32,826 - ****: While I have... - There wasn't a sign, so I... 1005 00:36:32,826 --> 00:36:33,893 - Great. - Lorne, Lorne. 1006 00:36:33,893 --> 00:36:34,961 While I have you... 1007 00:36:34,961 --> 00:36:37,197 Uh, I know you always want to be on the cutting edge. 1008 00:36:37,697 --> 00:36:38,698 Check this out. 1009 00:36:39,299 --> 00:36:40,467 Polaroid. 1010 00:36:42,635 --> 00:36:43,636 Okay. 1011 00:36:44,804 --> 00:36:46,973 Uh, we can have the actors demo it live. 1012 00:36:47,140 --> 00:36:49,542 Write it into sketches, do live commercials. 1013 00:36:49,709 --> 00:36:51,144 Funny ones. The payout is bonkers. 1014 00:36:51,311 --> 00:36:53,790 ****, the cast didn't sign up to do live commercials. 1015 00:36:53,313 --> 00:36:54,314 Neither did I. 1016 00:36:54,481 --> 00:36:56,416 Some of the cast might find that very unseemly. 1017 00:36:56,416 --> 00:36:57,884 I completely understand. 1018 00:36:57,884 --> 00:36:59,886 But television's driven by advertising. 1019 00:36:59,886 --> 00:37:01,354 It's what makes the motor run. 1020 00:37:01,354 --> 00:37:02,689 It's really not a big deal at all. 1021 00:37:02,689 --> 00:37:04,357 Just please don't show this to the talent. 1022 00:37:04,357 --> 00:37:05,725 I don't want them thinking 1023 00:37:05,725 --> 00:37:07,270 they're back on the Kraft Macaroni Hour. 1024 00:37:07,761 --> 00:37:09,696 You know, what, are we going kayaking? What is this? 1025 00:37:10,397 --> 00:37:11,698 Lorne, we're over budget. 1026 00:37:12,332 --> 00:37:13,366 ****, you don't need to tell me that. 1027 00:37:13,533 --> 00:37:14,768 Someone needs to tell you that. 1028 00:37:14,768 --> 00:37:16,102 We don't even know what the show is yet. 1029 00:37:16,102 --> 00:37:17,671 How could we possibly know the budget? 1030 00:37:17,671 --> 00:37:18,738 NEIL: That's true. That's a good point. 1031 00:37:18,738 --> 00:37:19,873 Neil, please. 1032 00:37:19,873 --> 00:37:21,374 If we don't know what the show is, 1033 00:37:21,374 --> 00:37:22,909 Lorne, what the **** are we doing here? 1034 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:24,711 I know the ingredients. 1035 00:37:25,512 --> 00:37:26,546 Just not the amounts. 1036 00:37:26,546 --> 00:37:27,614 Lorne, what does that mean? 1037 00:37:27,781 --> 00:37:29,516 LORNE: We just have to make it to 11:30. 1038 00:37:29,516 --> 00:37:31,184 - [THUD, GROANS] - LORNE: Hey! 1039 00:37:31,184 --> 00:37:32,619 [GROANS] Ah! 1040 00:37:32,619 --> 00:37:33,887 LEO: ****! You fascist. 1041 00:37:34,540 --> 00:37:36,560 - You want to lose your job? - You want to lose your teeth? 1042 00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:37,757 I'm the producer of NBC'S Saturday Night 1043 00:37:37,757 --> 00:37:39,359 and you just hit a man with a Tony. 1044 00:37:39,359 --> 00:37:41,428 - I've hit plenty of Tony's. - All right. Hey, that's enough. 1045 00:37:41,861 --> 00:37:44,264 GUARD: Tell your friends, no deliveries after 6:00 p.m. 1046 00:37:44,531 --> 00:37:46,366 - LEO: Shove it up your ***. - GUARD: **** you. 1047 00:37:46,366 --> 00:37:47,801 LORNE: All right. Keep going with the bricks. 1048 00:37:47,801 --> 00:37:49,536 You took that punch like a champ. 1049 00:37:49,536 --> 00:37:50,937 I'm actually not sure you're supposed 1050 00:37:50,937 --> 00:37:52,439 to be pinching the bottom of the nostrils. 1051 00:37:52,439 --> 00:37:53,540 If you pinch a little higher... 1052 00:37:53,540 --> 00:37:56,609 Hey, guys, I'm so sorry. Am I missing something? 1053 00:37:56,776 --> 00:37:59,790 Why are we using real brick? Can't we just roll out linoleum? 1054 00:37:59,245 --> 00:38:01,948 - Hey! **** you! - Okay. Jesus. Just relax. 1055 00:38:01,948 --> 00:38:03,883 ****, our vision for home base is a street corner... 1056 00:38:03,883 --> 00:38:05,819 with all the grit and texture of New York City. 1057 00:38:05,819 --> 00:38:07,987 Yeah, okay. I mean, are we gonna use real blood and vomit, too? 1058 00:38:07,987 --> 00:38:09,122 I'll give you some real ****ing blood. 1059 00:38:09,122 --> 00:38:10,223 Hey, hey, whoa, no more fighting. 1060 00:38:10,223 --> 00:38:11,558 No more fighting. He doesn't know. 1061 00:38:11,558 --> 00:38:12,759 He doesn't know. It's okay. 1062 00:38:15,950 --> 00:38:16,763 Why are we stopping? 1063 00:38:22,602 --> 00:38:24,337 - Hello, everybody. - LORNE: Andy. 1064 00:38:24,337 --> 00:38:26,272 What are you... You can't keep wandering off like that. 1065 00:38:26,272 --> 00:38:27,807 I had to go to the bathroom. 1066 00:38:27,807 --> 00:38:29,750 That's very good. That's very good. 1067 00:38:29,750 --> 00:38:30,143 ****: Lorne... 1068 00:38:30,143 --> 00:38:31,144 LORNE: Barbara, what time do you have? 1069 00:38:31,144 --> 00:38:32,746 Uh, 10:39. 1070 00:38:32,912 --> 00:38:34,280 - Lorne. - LORNE: Hmm? 1071 00:38:35,315 --> 00:38:36,316 The brick. 1072 00:38:36,783 --> 00:38:37,784 It's... 1073 00:38:42,622 --> 00:38:44,624 It's got its pockets out. It's workmanlike. 1074 00:38:44,791 --> 00:38:46,159 It's honest. 1075 00:38:46,326 --> 00:38:47,994 ****, it's critical for the success of the show. 1076 00:38:48,161 --> 00:38:50,196 Okay, but what is the show? 1077 00:38:55,869 --> 00:38:57,871 I mean, honestly, ****, if you don't know by now... 1078 00:39:00,206 --> 00:39:01,708 DON: Chevy Chase. 1079 00:39:02,142 --> 00:39:03,977 Gilda Radner. 1080 00:39:04,444 --> 00:39:06,120 Dan Ayk-a... 1081 00:39:06,179 --> 00:39:08,181 How the **** do you pronounce this? 1082 00:39:08,348 --> 00:39:09,349 Aykroyd. 1083 00:39:09,683 --> 00:39:10,784 Dan Aykroyd. 1084 00:39:10,950 --> 00:39:12,318 50 minutes, everybody! 1085 00:39:12,485 --> 00:39:14,187 DON: Laraine Newman. 1086 00:39:14,521 --> 00:39:15,789 You nervous? 1087 00:39:16,322 --> 00:39:18,224 Uh, no. No, not really. 1088 00:39:18,391 --> 00:39:20,600 I mean, I've only got a couple bits. 1089 00:39:20,226 --> 00:39:22,228 The jury thing and a TV host. 1090 00:39:23,163 --> 00:39:24,731 Uh-huh... [EXHALES] 1091 00:39:26,132 --> 00:39:30,136 Say, you ever wonder exactly what it is you are doing here? 1092 00:39:31,400 --> 00:39:32,872 Yeah, and I think I've got a pretty good idea. 1093 00:39:33,406 --> 00:39:34,407 And what is that? 1094 00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:36,476 Well, Garrett, I'll tell ya, 1095 00:39:36,476 --> 00:39:39,790 I like to give 100% in everything I do. 1096 00:39:40,180 --> 00:39:42,682 And I like a dish soap that does that too. 1097 00:39:43,917 --> 00:39:46,920 So alive, so young, so alluring... 1098 00:39:47,487 --> 00:39:50,900 so exotic, so hypnotic... 1099 00:39:50,557 --> 00:39:51,825 so manipulative... 1100 00:39:52,158 --> 00:39:55,428 so sadistically abusive... 1101 00:39:55,595 --> 00:39:57,697 so cartoonishly abhorrent... 1102 00:39:58,198 --> 00:39:59,666 You see, when it comes to my skin 1103 00:39:59,666 --> 00:40:01,101 and my sensitive parts... 1104 00:40:01,334 --> 00:40:04,571 I only trust 100% American-made steel wool. 1105 00:40:04,571 --> 00:40:06,573 - [COUGHS] - Strong enough for a man... 1106 00:40:06,740 --> 00:40:09,609 but whimsical and helpless enough for a woman. 1107 00:40:10,110 --> 00:40:12,120 And don't wait. Act now. 1108 00:40:12,412 --> 00:40:14,414 Act like your very life depends on it. 1109 00:40:14,581 --> 00:40:16,282 Act like your children's lives depend on it. 1110 00:40:16,449 --> 00:40:20,754 Act like the children in Africa's lives depend on it. 1111 00:40:22,722 --> 00:40:24,624 - [LAUGHS] - Man, what the **** 1112 00:40:24,624 --> 00:40:26,559 - was all of that? - That was my 20s, Garrett. 1113 00:40:26,726 --> 00:40:28,695 And that is exactly what I'm doing here. 1114 00:40:29,950 --> 00:40:30,960 Well, shit... 1115 00:40:30,263 --> 00:40:33,366 I'm just here to play the butler... 1116 00:40:33,700 --> 00:40:36,703 the shoeshine guy, and the pimp. 1117 00:40:37,737 --> 00:40:39,406 Think you seem a little nice for a pimp. 1118 00:40:40,106 --> 00:40:42,142 You're a little pretty for a comedienne. 1119 00:40:42,409 --> 00:40:44,210 Well, cheers to staying out of the spotlight. 1120 00:40:44,210 --> 00:40:45,145 - Hmm. - [LIGHT CRANKS] 1121 00:40:45,145 --> 00:40:49,582 DON: Ladies and gentlemen, your host, George Carlin! 1122 00:40:49,749 --> 00:40:52,520 You can't just let me come out from behind a goddamn curtain? 1123 00:40:52,218 --> 00:40:54,287 I have to descend like Norma ****in' Desmond. 1124 00:40:54,454 --> 00:40:56,589 All right. **** you, everyone. 1125 00:40:56,756 --> 00:40:58,758 **** you, **** you. 1126 00:40:58,925 --> 00:41:00,226 I've definitely ****ed you. 1127 00:41:00,393 --> 00:41:01,828 - STAGEHAND 1: **** you. - Yeah. 1128 00:41:01,995 --> 00:41:03,930 - STAGEHAND 2: **** you. - **** all of you. 1129 00:41:04,970 --> 00:41:05,165 You have to distract her. 1130 00:41:05,331 --> 00:41:06,466 How? 1131 00:41:06,633 --> 00:41:07,967 With your sparkling wit. 1132 00:41:10,337 --> 00:41:11,438 Excuse me, miss. 1133 00:41:11,438 --> 00:41:13,306 Could you confirm that this is a normal deck of cards? 1134 00:41:13,473 --> 00:41:14,941 No marks, no folds, no blemishes? 1135 00:41:15,108 --> 00:41:18,780 - JOE: George! - Yeah. All right. [CLEARS THROAT] 1136 00:41:18,780 --> 00:41:20,246 Welcome to the show. I have some musics and laughs. 1137 00:41:20,413 --> 00:41:22,649 I plug the record, blah-blah-blah. 1138 00:41:22,649 --> 00:41:25,618 Regular old deck, 52 cards. I am going to make... 1139 00:41:25,618 --> 00:41:27,420 - JOE: George, keep going, please. - GEORGE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1140 00:41:27,420 --> 00:41:28,855 You ever look at the crowds in old movies 1141 00:41:28,855 --> 00:41:30,256 and wonder if they're dead yet? 1142 00:41:30,423 --> 00:41:31,524 MAN: Slow, slow, slow! 1143 00:41:31,524 --> 00:41:33,493 [CLATTERING] 1144 00:41:33,493 --> 00:41:35,628 Are you ****ing kidding me with this shit? 1145 00:41:36,290 --> 00:41:37,497 JOE: And throw to Janis. 1146 00:41:37,931 --> 00:41:38,932 What? 1147 00:41:39,990 --> 00:41:41,434 Yeah, throw it to Janis. Introduce her, please. 1148 00:41:42,350 --> 00:41:44,104 - Keep going. - Ladies and gentlemen... 1149 00:41:44,270 --> 00:41:45,538 Janis Ian. 1150 00:41:46,106 --> 00:41:50,100 ♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪ 1151 00:41:50,176 --> 00:41:54,147 ♪ That love was meant For beauty queens ♪ 1152 00:41:55,215 --> 00:41:57,684 ♪ And high school girls With clear-skinned smiles ♪ 1153 00:41:58,518 --> 00:42:01,654 ♪ Who married young And then retired ♪ 1154 00:42:03,390 --> 00:42:04,491 - Mr. Carlin? - Yeah? 1155 00:42:04,657 --> 00:42:06,993 I am Joan Carbunkle, NBC standards. 1156 00:42:07,160 --> 00:42:08,828 - Oh, I didn't know they had any. - Joan, he's very busy. 1157 00:42:08,995 --> 00:42:10,363 Just please share your concerns with me, all right? 1158 00:42:10,530 --> 00:42:12,732 No, no, no. I'd like to hear her concerns personally, 1159 00:42:12,732 --> 00:42:13,833 if you don't mind. 1160 00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:15,668 I know you have a propensity for the obscene... 1161 00:42:15,835 --> 00:42:18,505 and a lurid interest in colorful language. 1162 00:42:18,672 --> 00:42:20,600 - Thank you very much. - Mr. Carlin... 1163 00:42:20,173 --> 00:42:21,474 you'll be happy to know that there is... 1164 00:42:22,575 --> 00:42:24,377 one delay button... 1165 00:42:24,544 --> 00:42:26,980 and my finger is on it. 1166 00:42:29,683 --> 00:42:31,685 I'm surprised you even found the button... 1167 00:42:31,851 --> 00:42:33,319 let alone touched it. 1168 00:42:35,655 --> 00:42:37,157 Is this your eight of diamonds? 1169 00:42:38,658 --> 00:42:41,861 ♪ Who called to say come dance with me ♪ 1170 00:42:43,596 --> 00:42:44,597 Are you gonna help? 1171 00:42:44,764 --> 00:42:47,934 I really wish we could, but, uh, we don't do bricks. 1172 00:42:48,101 --> 00:42:49,569 What guild is it that does the bricks? 1173 00:42:49,736 --> 00:42:51,370 Is that 422? 1174 00:42:51,204 --> 00:42:53,106 No, that's carpenters. How about 303? 1175 00:42:53,273 --> 00:42:55,675 - Nah, that's the pipefitters. - [LAUGHTER] 1176 00:42:56,676 --> 00:42:58,278 I don't know why you're laying brick. 1177 00:42:58,445 --> 00:43:00,460 You're gonna be gone in two weeks. 1178 00:43:00,213 --> 00:43:03,583 ♪ A brown-eyed girl in hand-me-downs ♪ 1179 00:43:03,750 --> 00:43:06,520 So, it's gonna be like one of those 1950s safari flicks. 1180 00:43:06,219 --> 00:43:07,854 You know, the ones with Rhonda Fleming, Susan Hayward. 1181 00:43:08,210 --> 00:43:09,589 That's a prop. 1182 00:43:12,258 --> 00:43:14,394 So, I want you to take this bowl of potato chips here. 1183 00:43:14,394 --> 00:43:15,562 - Me? - Yes, you. 1184 00:43:15,562 --> 00:43:16,696 I want you to reach into them. 1185 00:43:16,863 --> 00:43:17,864 Every time I take a step, 1186 00:43:17,864 --> 00:43:18,965 give 'em a little crunch, all right? 1187 00:43:18,965 --> 00:43:20,867 It's like we're in the safari. Ready? 1188 00:43:21,234 --> 00:43:22,302 Give it a try. 1189 00:43:22,969 --> 00:43:23,870 [CRUNCH] 1190 00:43:25,710 --> 00:43:26,272 [VALRI GIGGLES] 1191 00:43:26,272 --> 00:43:28,141 - [CRUNCH] - Early. 1192 00:43:28,308 --> 00:43:30,110 I just got this job. 1193 00:43:30,443 --> 00:43:32,245 - [CRUNCH] - Now we're getting it. 1194 00:43:32,445 --> 00:43:33,713 [CRUNCHING] 1195 00:43:33,713 --> 00:43:36,282 [CHUCKLING] You piece of shit. 1196 00:43:36,282 --> 00:43:38,418 That was nice. Not bad. 1197 00:43:38,985 --> 00:43:39,819 [CRUNCH] 1198 00:43:40,787 --> 00:43:41,621 [CRUNCH] 1199 00:43:42,922 --> 00:43:44,391 [CLICKS TONGUE] 1200 00:43:44,391 --> 00:43:45,792 ANDY: Caw! Caw! 1201 00:43:46,920 --> 00:43:47,327 Don't shoot me. 1202 00:43:48,161 --> 00:43:50,230 - [ANDY CAWING] - [VALRI CHUCKLING] 1203 00:43:50,930 --> 00:43:52,650 BILLY: I know that noise. 1204 00:43:52,650 --> 00:43:53,133 [ANDY IMITATING MONKEY] 1205 00:43:53,133 --> 00:43:55,135 That's a monkey being run over by the C-train. 1206 00:43:56,803 --> 00:43:58,171 My archnemesis. 1207 00:43:58,471 --> 00:43:59,606 Here he comes. 1208 00:44:06,479 --> 00:44:08,148 There's no way they're gonna fit all that show. 1209 00:44:09,749 --> 00:44:10,750 You think? 1210 00:44:11,951 --> 00:44:13,953 Yeah, something's got to go. Hey, Lorne, can we talk minutes? 1211 00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:15,155 LORNE: You're doing great, Billy. 1212 00:44:15,321 --> 00:44:17,900 - VALRI: That was weird. - Yep. We're ****ed. 1213 00:44:23,830 --> 00:44:25,532 [SNIFFING] 1214 00:44:28,268 --> 00:44:31,104 Excuse me, "ociffer," have I done somethin' wrong? 1215 00:44:32,380 --> 00:44:33,873 What do we have here? 1216 00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:36,476 Why, that would be my ***. 1217 00:44:39,120 --> 00:44:41,848 Mmm-hmm. Billy Preston's band hooked it up. 1218 00:44:42,150 --> 00:44:43,616 Medical grade, baby. 1219 00:44:43,783 --> 00:44:45,885 Floats in the bottle and then you... 1220 00:44:46,353 --> 00:44:47,354 [INHALES DEEPLY] 1221 00:44:49,456 --> 00:44:50,457 Checks out. 1222 00:44:51,570 --> 00:44:52,225 Medical grade. 1223 00:44:53,126 --> 00:44:53,960 Uh... 1224 00:44:53,960 --> 00:44:55,729 So, tell me how you fit into this ensemble. 1225 00:44:56,620 --> 00:44:57,530 Is this an ensemble? 1226 00:44:57,530 --> 00:45:00,967 Uh, no, we have many talented, talented improvisers... 1227 00:45:01,134 --> 00:45:03,300 from Chicago and Toronto and... 1228 00:45:03,169 --> 00:45:04,170 And Boston. 1229 00:45:04,337 --> 00:45:06,506 And Boston. Yes, Jane Curtin is from Boston. 1230 00:45:06,673 --> 00:45:07,674 - [SNIFFS] - You've met my fiancée? 1231 00:45:08,308 --> 00:45:09,309 Missed a little there. 1232 00:45:10,477 --> 00:45:11,578 But to answer your question... 1233 00:45:11,745 --> 00:45:12,712 LORNE: While I've got you captive. 1234 00:45:12,712 --> 00:45:13,813 They want to shave me. 1235 00:45:13,980 --> 00:45:15,815 Careful. There's no jaw under that beard, 1236 00:45:15,982 --> 00:45:17,500 just 10 pounds of neck. 1237 00:45:17,217 --> 00:45:18,385 LORNE: Chevy. 1238 00:45:18,385 --> 00:45:20,530 [CLATTER, CRASH] 1239 00:45:20,530 --> 00:45:23,890 Jesus Christ, you psycho, you son of a *****! 1240 00:45:23,490 --> 00:45:25,191 JOHN: Shove it up your ****ing ***! 1241 00:45:25,191 --> 00:45:26,593 - [CLAMORING] - [THUD] 1242 00:45:26,593 --> 00:45:28,862 Hey, hey, hey, stop right now! 1243 00:45:29,729 --> 00:45:32,932 LORNE: Guys! Goddamn it! Stop! Stop! Chevy, out! 1244 00:45:33,990 --> 00:45:35,680 - Don't feed coke to the animals! - LORNE: Out! Chev! 1245 00:45:36,403 --> 00:45:38,271 WOMAN: Take a seat. 1246 00:45:39,873 --> 00:45:40,874 Yeah. 1247 00:45:41,410 --> 00:45:42,409 ROSIE: You okay, John? 1248 00:45:42,575 --> 00:45:43,610 So, we're throwing things now? 1249 00:45:43,777 --> 00:45:44,944 He started it. 1250 00:45:45,412 --> 00:45:46,613 ROSIE: It's just a shave, John. 1251 00:45:46,780 --> 00:45:48,281 So, NBC owns my ****ing face? 1252 00:45:48,448 --> 00:45:49,516 - No. - Yeah, a little bit. 1253 00:45:49,683 --> 00:45:51,384 But would Jimi Hendrix play in mittens? 1254 00:45:51,551 --> 00:45:52,719 That's a good point. 1255 00:45:53,920 --> 00:45:56,189 John, you're going to go down as one of the giants 1256 00:45:56,189 --> 00:45:57,357 of character expressionism... 1257 00:45:57,357 --> 00:45:58,892 from Chaplin to Brando. 1258 00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:00,600 Belushi... 1259 00:46:00,460 --> 00:46:01,461 Why hide your gift? 1260 00:46:01,628 --> 00:46:03,960 Beards are for *******. 1261 00:46:04,531 --> 00:46:05,732 And the bees are bullshit. 1262 00:46:05,899 --> 00:46:07,670 You think I don't know that? Of course, they are. 1263 00:46:07,233 --> 00:46:08,902 They're stupid, they're postmodern... 1264 00:46:09,690 --> 00:46:11,404 they're Warhol, they're iconic, they're Sergeant Pepper. 1265 00:46:11,571 --> 00:46:13,239 - ROSIE: So well said. - LORNE: I'm glad you get it. 1266 00:46:14,407 --> 00:46:15,408 John... 1267 00:46:15,575 --> 00:46:16,810 we go live in less than an hour. 1268 00:46:16,976 --> 00:46:18,211 45 minutes. 1269 00:46:22,115 --> 00:46:24,500 I need you to sign your contract. 1270 00:46:27,420 --> 00:46:28,588 [SIGHS IN EXASPERATION] 1271 00:46:30,990 --> 00:46:32,325 [MIC FEEDBACK] 1272 00:46:32,325 --> 00:46:33,593 Oh, yeah. 1273 00:46:33,593 --> 00:46:34,794 [MUSIC STOPS] 1274 00:46:34,794 --> 00:46:35,895 What? 1275 00:46:36,620 --> 00:46:37,630 What's happening? 1276 00:46:37,464 --> 00:46:38,732 What happened to the music? 1277 00:46:39,933 --> 00:46:41,668 Hey! Why did you stop playing? 1278 00:46:41,835 --> 00:46:43,169 The speakers went out. 1279 00:46:43,570 --> 00:46:44,571 - All of them? - All of them. 1280 00:46:44,738 --> 00:46:46,406 What the hell is happening? What... ****? 1281 00:46:46,573 --> 00:46:48,441 I'm on with the outfit that supplied speakers at... 1282 00:46:48,608 --> 00:46:49,609 - Yeah, Rockefeller Plaza. - Toscanini! 1283 00:46:49,776 --> 00:46:51,945 Height of audio fidelity! What can we be doing? 1284 00:46:52,112 --> 00:46:53,446 ROSIE: Yeah, what can we be doing? 1285 00:46:53,613 --> 00:46:54,814 We got no sound. 1286 00:46:54,981 --> 00:46:57,817 Idiot on the light board, and we go live in 45. 1287 00:46:58,251 --> 00:46:59,519 What do you want to rehearse? 1288 00:47:00,653 --> 00:47:01,488 Uh... 1289 00:47:02,589 --> 00:47:03,656 We could pull up... 1290 00:47:03,656 --> 00:47:04,758 Weekend Update? 1291 00:47:04,758 --> 00:47:06,426 Do you want to do Weekend Update? Yeah. 1292 00:47:06,426 --> 00:47:08,261 All right, everyone, we're moving to Weekend Update. 1293 00:47:08,428 --> 00:47:10,764 - Okay, great, great. - Don, stand by for your intro. 1294 00:47:12,332 --> 00:47:14,100 Here we go. Move it, people. 1295 00:47:14,100 --> 00:47:15,835 [UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING] 1296 00:47:24,978 --> 00:47:26,112 JOE: Let's go. Let's go. 1297 00:47:26,613 --> 00:47:27,614 LORNE: I'm good. Fine. 1298 00:47:27,614 --> 00:47:28,715 [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] 1299 00:47:31,117 --> 00:47:34,354 DON: From Saturday Night News headquarters. 1300 00:47:34,521 --> 00:47:36,456 This is Weekend Update... 1301 00:47:36,623 --> 00:47:38,558 with Lorne Michaels. 1302 00:47:38,558 --> 00:47:40,193 - [MUSIC STOPS] - [EXHALES] 1303 00:47:40,193 --> 00:47:41,361 [CLEARS THROAT] 1304 00:47:46,566 --> 00:47:48,680 LORNE: Our top story tonight... 1305 00:47:48,234 --> 00:47:49,302 some world news. 1306 00:47:49,469 --> 00:47:51,671 Japanese Emperor Hirohito met Mickey Mouse 1307 00:47:51,671 --> 00:47:53,730 at Disneyland this week. 1308 00:47:53,239 --> 00:47:56,343 The emperor presented Mickey with a Hirohito wristwatch. 1309 00:47:57,544 --> 00:47:58,378 [GROANS] 1310 00:48:00,146 --> 00:48:01,810 [CHUCKLES] 1311 00:48:01,810 --> 00:48:02,182 LORNE: How was that? 1312 00:48:02,349 --> 00:48:03,416 It was horrible. 1313 00:48:04,384 --> 00:48:05,919 Right. Um... 1314 00:48:07,654 --> 00:48:10,690 And now with a weather report... 1315 00:48:10,857 --> 00:48:14,600 we turn it over to meteorologist John Belushi. 1316 00:48:14,227 --> 00:48:15,862 What's it looking like out there, John? 1317 00:48:16,290 --> 00:48:17,330 Thank you, Lorne. 1318 00:48:17,330 --> 00:48:18,565 It's often said, 1319 00:48:18,565 --> 00:48:21,768 "March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb." 1320 00:48:22,100 --> 00:48:24,537 But did you know March behaves differently in other countries? 1321 00:48:25,105 --> 00:48:26,406 In Norway, for example, 1322 00:48:26,406 --> 00:48:29,342 March comes in like a polar bear and goes out like a walrus. 1323 00:48:29,743 --> 00:48:31,711 Or consider the Republic of South Africa... 1324 00:48:31,878 --> 00:48:33,346 where March comes in like a lion 1325 00:48:33,346 --> 00:48:34,681 and goes out like a different lion. 1326 00:48:34,848 --> 00:48:36,249 - [ALL CHUCKLING] - Like one has a mane 1327 00:48:36,249 --> 00:48:38,385 and the other doesn't have a mane. 1328 00:48:38,551 --> 00:48:41,354 And there's a country where March hops in like a kangaroo... 1329 00:48:41,521 --> 00:48:43,230 and stays a kangaroo for a while. 1330 00:48:43,189 --> 00:48:44,224 Australia. 1331 00:48:44,391 --> 00:48:46,226 JOHN: Then for a couple of days, it's sort of a cross between... 1332 00:48:46,393 --> 00:48:48,461 a frilled lizard and a common house cat. 1333 00:48:48,895 --> 00:48:51,297 Then it changes back into a smaller kangaroo... 1334 00:48:51,464 --> 00:48:53,600 and then it goes out like a wild dingo! 1335 00:48:53,867 --> 00:48:55,402 JOHN: No, no, and it's not Australia! 1336 00:48:55,735 --> 00:48:57,737 You'd think it'd be Australia, but it's not! 1337 00:48:57,904 --> 00:48:59,390 - Oh! - [LAUGHTER] 1338 00:48:59,390 --> 00:49:00,940 And there are nine different countries... 1339 00:49:00,940 --> 00:49:02,575 where March comes in like a frog 1340 00:49:02,575 --> 00:49:04,444 and goes out like a golden retriever. 1341 00:49:04,444 --> 00:49:06,246 But that's not the weird part. No, no, no. 1342 00:49:06,413 --> 00:49:08,581 The weird part is the frog. The frog. 1343 00:49:08,748 --> 00:49:09,883 The weird part is the... 1344 00:49:09,883 --> 00:49:11,418 - [IMITATES FROG] - [THUD] 1345 00:49:11,418 --> 00:49:14,788 [LAUGHTER] Okay. 1346 00:49:14,788 --> 00:49:15,889 [ALL APPLAUDING] 1347 00:49:15,889 --> 00:49:16,956 LORNE: John. 1348 00:49:16,956 --> 00:49:18,324 [GROANS] 1349 00:49:18,324 --> 00:49:20,600 Are you all right? Are you okay? 1350 00:49:20,460 --> 00:49:21,461 I give in. 1351 00:49:21,961 --> 00:49:22,962 That was brilliant. 1352 00:49:23,129 --> 00:49:25,165 Now I need you to sign your contract. 1353 00:49:27,333 --> 00:49:28,168 [MUMBLES] 1354 00:49:28,735 --> 00:49:30,700 - Was that a yes? - That was a yes. 1355 00:49:30,236 --> 00:49:31,771 - Was that a yes? Okay. - That was a yes. 1356 00:49:31,938 --> 00:49:33,239 - Neil, can I get the contract? - NEIL: Yeah. 1357 00:49:34,107 --> 00:49:36,142 - Okay. Do you have a pen? - NEIL: Uh... 1358 00:49:36,142 --> 00:49:37,277 BARBARA: Lorne, Lorne, Lorne, 1359 00:49:37,277 --> 00:49:39,279 there's a call from Burbank waiting in your office. 1360 00:49:40,113 --> 00:49:41,314 Burbank? 1361 00:49:41,481 --> 00:49:42,482 Carson. 1362 00:49:42,816 --> 00:49:44,684 Uh, okay. Um, Someone get him a pen. 1363 00:49:44,851 --> 00:49:46,286 Don't let him use it as a straw. 1364 00:49:46,286 --> 00:49:49,255 Uh, rehearse something. Anything. 1365 00:49:49,422 --> 00:49:51,524 All right, Bee Hospital stage left. 1366 00:49:51,691 --> 00:49:53,259 Let's go. We're moving. Here we go. 1367 00:49:54,327 --> 00:49:55,962 - Great work, guys. - JIM: Excuse me. 1368 00:49:56,129 --> 00:49:58,980 Hey, Mr. Michaels. 1369 00:49:58,980 --> 00:49:59,332 - Oh, Mr. Henson. - Hey. 1370 00:49:59,332 --> 00:50:01,634 I'm excited to see what you and your merry band of creatures 1371 00:50:01,634 --> 00:50:03,360 have in store for us tonight. 1372 00:50:03,360 --> 00:50:05,538 Well, Lorne, we don't have any script pages yet... 1373 00:50:05,538 --> 00:50:08,341 so, the Muppets are flyin' blind here. 1374 00:50:08,341 --> 00:50:09,776 Well, this is the first I'm hearing of it. 1375 00:50:09,776 --> 00:50:11,440 Neil, Jim needs his pages. 1376 00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:13,179 Thank you. Thank you. And please, sorry, Lorne... 1377 00:50:14,114 --> 00:50:16,149 can you please remind your crew... 1378 00:50:16,316 --> 00:50:19,953 not to leave the Muppets in compromising positions? 1379 00:50:21,388 --> 00:50:22,889 That doesn't sound like them. 1380 00:50:23,289 --> 00:50:25,358 Well, they left a note. 1381 00:50:26,126 --> 00:50:27,127 They didn't. 1382 00:50:27,293 --> 00:50:28,294 They did. 1383 00:50:28,862 --> 00:50:29,863 It said... 1384 00:50:32,565 --> 00:50:34,734 "****-Rags for rent." 1385 00:50:35,802 --> 00:50:37,170 - Mmm... - Okay? 1386 00:50:37,337 --> 00:50:39,500 I know what that means, so... 1387 00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:41,708 I'll talk to Michael. Immediately. 1388 00:50:41,875 --> 00:50:42,976 Thank you. 1389 00:50:44,177 --> 00:50:45,450 [LAUGHS] 1390 00:50:45,712 --> 00:50:46,713 All right. Thank you. 1391 00:50:47,647 --> 00:50:48,848 LORNE: Oh. Hey, Bernie. 1392 00:50:48,848 --> 00:50:50,250 Oh, no, you're good. 1393 00:50:50,984 --> 00:50:52,152 [EXHALES] 1394 00:50:56,156 --> 00:50:57,390 Hello, this is Lorne. 1395 00:50:57,691 --> 00:51:00,260 JOHNNY: I was beginning to think you didn't like me. 1396 00:51:00,193 --> 00:51:01,428 Of course not, Mr. Carson. 1397 00:51:01,428 --> 00:51:03,229 You're the voice of a generation. 1398 00:51:03,396 --> 00:51:05,532 JOHNNY: I just wanted to reach out and say, 1399 00:51:05,532 --> 00:51:06,733 "Good luck tonight." 1400 00:51:06,900 --> 00:51:08,101 LORNE: Oh, that's very kind. 1401 00:51:08,268 --> 00:51:09,936 JOHNNY: And also, I suppose I wanted to make sure... 1402 00:51:10,103 --> 00:51:12,939 we don't end up stepping on each other's ****s. 1403 00:51:13,106 --> 00:51:14,107 Right. 1404 00:51:14,107 --> 00:51:15,375 JOHNNY: You know how this all started, don't you? 1405 00:51:15,375 --> 00:51:16,443 Just sign it, John. 1406 00:51:17,344 --> 00:51:18,545 Just sign it, John. 1407 00:51:18,712 --> 00:51:20,246 With a kite and a key, I'm sure. 1408 00:51:20,413 --> 00:51:21,915 JOHNNY: Don't be a dipshit for a second, kid. 1409 00:51:22,415 --> 00:51:23,616 I'm sure you've heard by now 1410 00:51:23,616 --> 00:51:25,618 that Mommy and Daddy are fighting... 1411 00:51:25,785 --> 00:51:28,555 and that's why you got the house to yourself tonight. 1412 00:51:28,555 --> 00:51:30,230 Frankly, it's the only reason 1413 00:51:30,230 --> 00:51:32,759 they ever greenlight your little talent show. 1414 00:51:33,460 --> 00:51:35,428 Look, these things always go the same way. 1415 00:51:35,762 --> 00:51:38,310 First, they try to **** you, and then they buy you dinner. 1416 00:51:38,565 --> 00:51:40,367 I'm not opposed to Saturday Night... 1417 00:51:40,367 --> 00:51:41,768 even if it is a dumping ground... 1418 00:51:41,768 --> 00:51:42,869 No. No. 1419 00:51:42,869 --> 00:51:44,637 ...for the deadbeats and bagheads. 1420 00:51:44,637 --> 00:51:45,572 ****, no. 1421 00:51:45,572 --> 00:51:46,473 JOHNNY: In the meantime, you get to... 1422 00:51:46,473 --> 00:51:47,807 play dress-up on national television. 1423 00:51:47,807 --> 00:51:48,942 LORNE: Don't let him hold the camera. 1424 00:51:48,942 --> 00:51:50,430 JOHNNY: Good for you. 1425 00:51:50,443 --> 00:51:52,145 So, here's some friendly advice. 1426 00:51:52,979 --> 00:51:54,280 Enjoy your little show... 1427 00:51:54,447 --> 00:51:55,982 but don't get too comfortable. 1428 00:51:56,649 --> 00:51:58,818 You're a benchwarmer, a stalking horse. 1429 00:51:58,985 --> 00:52:01,755 It's my ****ing network. It's my ****ing night. 1430 00:52:02,655 --> 00:52:04,570 - [CRASH] - No hard feelings, though. 1431 00:52:04,224 --> 00:52:06,226 JOHN: **** the bees and **** this show! 1432 00:52:06,393 --> 00:52:07,961 JOE: John. Hey, where are you going? 1433 00:52:08,128 --> 00:52:09,496 I go where I'm kicked! 1434 00:52:09,896 --> 00:52:11,831 JOHNNY: Heard you are a halfway decent writer. 1435 00:52:12,766 --> 00:52:14,267 Send me some samples sometime. 1436 00:52:14,434 --> 00:52:15,902 We're always looking for a bunch of 'em. 1437 00:52:16,770 --> 00:52:17,837 [RECEIVER CLANGS] 1438 00:52:17,837 --> 00:52:19,500 How'd the call go? 1439 00:52:19,172 --> 00:52:20,507 Tremendous. Thank you for asking. 1440 00:52:20,674 --> 00:52:22,509 - Great. - Belushi walked. 1441 00:52:22,676 --> 00:52:24,577 - What? He quit? - No, well, technically... 1442 00:52:24,744 --> 00:52:26,513 he would need a ****ing job to quit! But, yes, he walked. 1443 00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:28,148 We need to find him. I'll take the eighth floor. 1444 00:52:28,314 --> 00:52:29,749 - You take the ninth, okay? - Uh. Oh... 1445 00:52:30,116 --> 00:52:31,117 Okay. 1446 00:52:31,785 --> 00:52:33,787 Uh, hey, have you seen John Belushi? 1447 00:52:33,787 --> 00:52:34,854 No. 1448 00:52:36,456 --> 00:52:37,691 There's a reason they call it master control. 1449 00:52:37,857 --> 00:52:38,858 NEIL: Sorry, Jim, have you seen John Belushi? 1450 00:52:39,250 --> 00:52:41,327 You want to hand the airwaves over to that maniac? 1451 00:52:41,494 --> 00:52:43,930 - Have you seen Belushi? - I'm not an animal wrangler. 1452 00:52:44,464 --> 00:52:45,465 Belushi? Belushi? 1453 00:52:45,632 --> 00:52:46,800 - Belushi? - Belushi? 1454 00:52:46,966 --> 00:52:48,301 - AL: Belushi? - Belushi? 1455 00:52:48,468 --> 00:52:51,171 Hey, have you guys seen John Belushi? John? 1456 00:52:56,443 --> 00:52:57,677 Hey, guys, sorry to bother you. 1457 00:52:57,677 --> 00:52:59,512 Have you seen John Belushi anywhere? 1458 00:52:59,679 --> 00:53:02,182 Oh. Yeah, sure. He was hangin' out with us yesterday. 1459 00:53:02,182 --> 00:53:03,350 Right, Howard? 1460 00:53:03,516 --> 00:53:05,180 No, sorry. I meant in the last few minutes. 1461 00:53:05,185 --> 00:53:06,353 - Did he... - Oh, no. 1462 00:53:07,554 --> 00:53:09,289 Well, you seem stressed. You okay, buddy? 1463 00:53:09,456 --> 00:53:11,358 - Yeah, I'm okay. - You need a hit? 1464 00:53:12,580 --> 00:53:15,610 Uh, oh! No, no, no, that's fine. That's okay. 1465 00:53:15,610 --> 00:53:16,129 PAUL: Oh. 1466 00:53:16,129 --> 00:53:17,297 I think it'd help. 1467 00:53:18,665 --> 00:53:19,666 That makes sense. 1468 00:53:22,369 --> 00:53:23,370 PAUL: There we go. 1469 00:53:26,206 --> 00:53:27,907 Oh, look at him. 1470 00:53:28,740 --> 00:53:29,976 Attaboy. 1471 00:53:30,143 --> 00:53:31,911 Good luck on your quest, amigo. 1472 00:53:34,247 --> 00:53:35,315 [COUGHS] 1473 00:53:35,315 --> 00:53:37,183 Have you seen John Belushi? 1474 00:53:37,884 --> 00:53:39,520 Have you guys seen John? 1475 00:53:39,219 --> 00:53:41,721 Neil, who do you think I am? 1476 00:53:42,422 --> 00:53:43,723 Human bumblebee. 1477 00:53:43,890 --> 00:53:45,258 No, man. I am talking about... 1478 00:53:45,425 --> 00:53:48,428 what is my identity on the show? 1479 00:53:48,595 --> 00:53:50,300 Don't ask me that right now. 1480 00:53:50,930 --> 00:53:53,333 I can't answer that right now. Oh. 1481 00:53:57,700 --> 00:53:59,339 - Oh. - What the hell are you doing? 1482 00:54:02,409 --> 00:54:04,344 - Thank you. - [ICE CUBES CLINKING] 1483 00:54:07,947 --> 00:54:09,215 Has anybody seen John? 1484 00:54:09,382 --> 00:54:11,384 - I'm John. - JOHN 2: I'm John. 1485 00:54:11,551 --> 00:54:12,552 - No. No. - JOHN 3: I'm John. 1486 00:54:12,719 --> 00:54:14,387 - [ECHOING] I'm John. - No. No. 1487 00:54:14,554 --> 00:54:16,289 - I'm John. - I'm John. 1488 00:54:16,456 --> 00:54:17,457 Hold this, please. 1489 00:54:18,425 --> 00:54:21,610 [VOICES ECHOING] 1490 00:54:21,610 --> 00:54:22,128 One of them is mine. 1491 00:54:22,128 --> 00:54:23,296 Hey, have you guys seen John Belushi? 1492 00:54:23,296 --> 00:54:25,310 Hey, you're... Kid, why are you holding your face like that? 1493 00:54:25,310 --> 00:54:26,599 - Why are you shouting? - Sweetie, are you okay? 1494 00:54:26,599 --> 00:54:29,736 I don't know. I can hear my own blood. 1495 00:54:30,637 --> 00:54:31,638 Am I gonna be okay? 1496 00:54:31,805 --> 00:54:33,807 Don't ask her. She's a nymph, not a nurse, kid. 1497 00:54:33,973 --> 00:54:35,442 I know that! 1498 00:54:35,942 --> 00:54:37,744 - Look, should I be worried? - About Neil? 1499 00:54:37,911 --> 00:54:39,245 No. **** Neil. About my act. 1500 00:54:39,412 --> 00:54:41,448 I can't get a straight answer out of Lorne. 1501 00:54:41,614 --> 00:54:43,950 Billy, you're family. 1502 00:54:45,285 --> 00:54:46,386 - Neil... - Neil... 1503 00:54:50,560 --> 00:54:51,658 MAN: This week on The Rumpus Hour. 1504 00:54:51,825 --> 00:54:53,226 Tony Orlando and Dawn, 1505 00:54:53,226 --> 00:54:55,328 Shields and Yarnell, the Domingo Brothers... 1506 00:54:55,328 --> 00:54:57,964 and your favorite juggling barbershop quartet, 1507 00:54:57,964 --> 00:54:59,299 Macho Quatro. 1508 00:54:59,299 --> 00:55:01,835 Lorne. You know Milton Berle? 1509 00:55:02,100 --> 00:55:04,738 Absolutely. Big fan. I grew up on your work. 1510 00:55:04,904 --> 00:55:06,439 Who didn't? Hear it's your big night. 1511 00:55:06,606 --> 00:55:08,675 Planning on it. How's it all coming? 1512 00:55:09,409 --> 00:55:10,844 Just perfect. 1513 00:55:11,110 --> 00:55:12,746 - You never hear that. - You certainly don't. 1514 00:55:13,980 --> 00:55:16,683 Yep. Being here must bring back all kinds of memories, I'm sure. 1515 00:55:16,850 --> 00:55:18,180 Sure, sure. Yeah. 1516 00:55:18,184 --> 00:55:20,253 Used to call this the RCA Radio Tower. 1517 00:55:20,420 --> 00:55:22,220 Radio, that wonderful invention 1518 00:55:22,220 --> 00:55:23,690 by which I could reach a million people. 1519 00:55:23,857 --> 00:55:25,625 Who fortunately couldn't reach me. 1520 00:55:25,792 --> 00:55:29,963 You know, Milt's TV show once pulled a 97 share. 1521 00:55:30,130 --> 00:55:34,434 97% of the American audience was watching Uncle Miltie. 1522 00:55:34,601 --> 00:55:36,603 Do you ever miss being Mr. Television? 1523 00:55:37,937 --> 00:55:39,339 What is he talking about? 1524 00:55:39,506 --> 00:55:40,507 Lorne... 1525 00:55:40,674 --> 00:55:43,430 Milton remains one of the Pea****'s 1526 00:55:43,430 --> 00:55:44,678 most colorful feathers. 1527 00:55:44,844 --> 00:55:46,479 - It's quite a feather. - Of course, of course. 1528 00:55:46,646 --> 00:55:48,682 And I'm looking forward to hosting your show. 1529 00:55:49,382 --> 00:55:51,184 Well, we'd be honored. 1530 00:55:51,484 --> 00:55:53,186 I think there's still so many decisions we'd have to make. 1531 00:55:53,353 --> 00:55:54,487 MILTON: I'm hearing episode five. 1532 00:55:54,654 --> 00:55:57,724 TEBET: The boys upstairs love it and the affiliates ate it up. 1533 00:55:57,891 --> 00:55:59,590 MILTON: Well, they're the real boss. 1534 00:55:59,225 --> 00:56:01,270 LORNE: Right. Well, it is a late show. 1535 00:56:01,270 --> 00:56:02,462 Are you suited for midnight? 1536 00:56:02,896 --> 00:56:06,399 [CHUCKLES] At 67, I still feel like a 20-year-old. 1537 00:56:06,566 --> 00:56:08,501 Unfortunately, there's never one around. 1538 00:56:08,501 --> 00:56:10,170 [CHUCKLES] Your reputation precedes you. 1539 00:56:10,337 --> 00:56:13,390 Yeah, by about 11 inches. Excuse me a second. 1540 00:56:15,575 --> 00:56:17,243 Any sign of Belushi? 1541 00:56:17,877 --> 00:56:18,912 John? 1542 00:56:19,790 --> 00:56:20,513 I believe he's in wardrobe. Why? 1543 00:56:20,680 --> 00:56:22,716 Legal is frantic for his paperwork. 1544 00:56:22,882 --> 00:56:24,170 That's strange. I'll look into it. 1545 00:56:24,184 --> 00:56:25,652 Lorne, I can only imagine... 1546 00:56:25,819 --> 00:56:27,387 what must be running through your mind. 1547 00:56:27,554 --> 00:56:29,889 The thought, no matter how improbable... 1548 00:56:30,560 --> 00:56:31,725 that you might not make it to air. 1549 00:56:31,891 --> 00:56:33,727 - Hadn't even occurred to me. - Really? 1550 00:56:33,893 --> 00:56:36,930 I heard that you were having some technical difficulties. 1551 00:56:37,970 --> 00:56:38,980 None that I know of. 1552 00:56:38,598 --> 00:56:39,599 What the ****? 1553 00:56:39,766 --> 00:56:40,867 I just heard that... 1554 00:56:41,340 --> 00:56:42,602 your writers were stoned... 1555 00:56:42,769 --> 00:56:44,771 your actors were physically assaulting each other. 1556 00:56:45,772 --> 00:56:46,873 The sound system was down. 1557 00:56:47,400 --> 00:56:48,174 What the hell is happening? What... 1558 00:56:48,341 --> 00:56:49,676 And a fire broke out earlier. 1559 00:56:49,676 --> 00:56:50,777 - [CRACKLES] - [INDISTINCT SHOUTING] 1560 00:56:53,130 --> 00:56:55,715 I've been doing this job a long time. I've seen it all. 1561 00:56:57,684 --> 00:56:59,886 I'm sure you have it all under control. 1562 00:57:01,454 --> 00:57:03,256 Minor issues, already addressed. 1563 00:57:03,790 --> 00:57:04,791 That's reassuring. 1564 00:57:04,958 --> 00:57:07,260 This whole conversation is a soothing shower of relief. 1565 00:57:07,427 --> 00:57:09,950 Hey, good, good. Look. 1566 00:57:09,262 --> 00:57:11,698 If for some reason you can't lock your script... 1567 00:57:12,699 --> 00:57:15,535 or commit your cast to legally binding contracts... 1568 00:57:15,702 --> 00:57:16,936 rest assured... 1569 00:57:17,437 --> 00:57:20,273 the country will be happy to watch Johnny Carson. 1570 00:57:21,641 --> 00:57:24,144 Well, we could always play the tape of dress rehearsal. 1571 00:57:24,310 --> 00:57:25,979 Worst-case scenario. 1572 00:57:27,247 --> 00:57:28,648 That's not the worst case. 1573 00:57:29,949 --> 00:57:31,840 [KNOCKS] 1574 00:57:45,231 --> 00:57:47,267 VALRI: **** me. That's a lot of cards. 1575 00:57:47,834 --> 00:57:49,969 Yeah. What's the fastest you can do your set? Top to bottom. 1576 00:57:50,136 --> 00:57:51,304 - Five minutes. - Yeah, me too. 1577 00:57:51,471 --> 00:57:52,939 - Could you do it in four? - Probably. 1578 00:57:53,106 --> 00:57:54,107 Yeah, me too. 1579 00:57:55,909 --> 00:57:57,644 So, look, they're gonna offer us three... 1580 00:57:58,244 --> 00:57:59,813 but we got to draw the line at four. All right? 1581 00:58:00,580 --> 00:58:02,682 Okay. I want to do the show. 1582 00:58:02,849 --> 00:58:04,651 Yeah, we're doing the show. We just can't get jerked around. 1583 00:58:04,818 --> 00:58:05,819 - That's all. - But we're doing the show? 1584 00:58:05,985 --> 00:58:07,454 Of course, we're doing the show. We just got to be 1585 00:58:07,454 --> 00:58:09,890 - in this together. - Okay. 1586 00:58:10,757 --> 00:58:11,858 JANE: Neil, sweetie. 1587 00:58:12,250 --> 00:58:13,660 - Is everything okay in there? - LARAINE: Hello? 1588 00:58:13,827 --> 00:58:16,960 Special delivery for Neil Levy. Flowers. 1589 00:58:16,262 --> 00:58:17,497 - Candygram. - DAN: What's with the convention? 1590 00:58:17,664 --> 00:58:19,265 Neil, it's your mother. Open the door! 1591 00:58:19,432 --> 00:58:21,801 BILLY: Don't say that. He's gonna believe you if you say that. 1592 00:58:21,968 --> 00:58:24,337 Hey, Neil. Buddy. You freaking out in there? 1593 00:58:24,504 --> 00:58:26,539 NEIL: I took a hit in the departure lounge. 1594 00:58:26,706 --> 00:58:28,341 All right. Whose grass was it? 1595 00:58:28,508 --> 00:58:29,943 NEIL: One of the horn players. 1596 00:58:30,110 --> 00:58:31,177 Oh, degenerates. 1597 00:58:31,344 --> 00:58:33,130 That's a potent dragon you're riding there, kid. 1598 00:58:33,130 --> 00:58:34,714 What you smoked was a sacred strain from... 1599 00:58:34,714 --> 00:58:36,216 the Isaan plateau in Thailand, I believe. 1600 00:58:36,216 --> 00:58:37,317 The best plateau. 1601 00:58:37,317 --> 00:58:38,385 Make no mistake about it, 1602 00:58:38,385 --> 00:58:40,120 that stick's probably stronger than a bull elephant. 1603 00:58:40,120 --> 00:58:42,555 But, listen, we're all a little freaked out so... 1604 00:58:42,555 --> 00:58:43,690 - BILLY: I'm freaked out. - Why don't you come out... 1605 00:58:43,690 --> 00:58:45,158 and we can check on your face... 1606 00:58:45,158 --> 00:58:46,393 make sure it's not inside out, okay? 1607 00:58:46,393 --> 00:58:48,280 - LARAINE: Come on, Neil. - Show us your face, Neil! 1608 00:58:48,280 --> 00:58:49,396 Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of. 1609 00:58:49,396 --> 00:58:51,297 - Come on. - Come on out, Neil. 1610 00:58:52,565 --> 00:58:54,334 - Oh, God! - [LAUGHTER] 1611 00:58:55,100 --> 00:58:56,870 No. I'm just kidding. Look. You're gonna be fine. 1612 00:58:56,870 --> 00:58:58,204 We'll fix you up with some amphetamines. 1613 00:58:58,204 --> 00:58:59,305 You'll be fit as a flea. 1614 00:58:59,305 --> 00:59:01,141 You might even like the stuff. Cocaine. 1615 00:59:01,141 --> 00:59:02,509 Robert Louis Stevenson actually did 1616 00:59:02,509 --> 00:59:03,677 some of his best writing on the nose candy. 1617 00:59:03,677 --> 00:59:05,512 - Oh, Bobby. - Not a lot of people know that. 1618 00:59:05,679 --> 00:59:06,846 Yeah, he was a big freak... 1619 00:59:06,846 --> 00:59:07,914 - for the Peruvian Lady. - BARBARA: Hey! 1620 00:59:07,914 --> 00:59:09,150 We need everyone in togas! 1621 00:59:09,150 --> 00:59:10,884 Everyone down to the eighth floor now! 1622 00:59:11,418 --> 00:59:13,386 [ALL CHEERING] 1623 00:59:15,880 --> 00:59:16,423 I'm not in a toga! 1624 00:59:16,423 --> 00:59:18,258 [NEIL SCREAMING] 1625 00:59:22,729 --> 00:59:24,397 [EXCITED CHATTER] 1626 00:59:30,570 --> 00:59:33,239 GARRETT: Okay, okay. But why are we yelling? 1627 00:59:35,842 --> 00:59:38,211 DAVE: Rocky, there's no way these kids are gonna hit their marks. 1628 00:59:38,378 --> 00:59:41,470 So you better be wide enough to catch 'em all. We got that? 1629 00:59:41,214 --> 00:59:43,283 Hey, did Rosie tell you what she wants for her credit? 1630 00:59:43,883 --> 00:59:45,585 Oh. Uh... 1631 00:59:45,585 --> 00:59:47,787 She was of two minds... 1632 00:59:51,291 --> 00:59:52,926 What is this? Why are you cueing up Carson? Who is that? 1633 00:59:53,693 --> 00:59:55,280 I think that's Tony Curtis. 1634 00:59:55,195 --> 00:59:57,430 That's pretty normal right before a live show, right, Dave? 1635 00:59:57,597 --> 00:59:59,566 Yeah. If anything goes wrong, we bump to tape. 1636 00:59:59,733 --> 01:00:00,867 - See? - Right. 1637 01:00:01,340 --> 01:00:02,702 Lorne! Lorne. We found a lighting director. 1638 01:00:03,360 --> 01:00:04,370 LORNE: Great. Go get him. 1639 01:00:04,204 --> 01:00:05,739 No, he's lighting a show right now. 1640 01:00:05,739 --> 01:00:07,107 This will take some massaging. 1641 01:00:07,273 --> 01:00:08,274 We don't have... 1642 01:00:10,210 --> 01:00:11,211 What floor? 1643 01:00:12,112 --> 01:00:14,614 It's down on the sixth floor. Some variety show. 1644 01:00:14,781 --> 01:00:16,649 - And he knows I'm coming? - Uh... 1645 01:00:17,951 --> 01:00:20,320 - Say, Lorne. This a bad time? - LORNE: Perfect time, Garrett. 1646 01:00:20,487 --> 01:00:21,988 Okay, I've been thinkin'. 1647 01:00:22,155 --> 01:00:24,224 Why did you hire me? 1648 01:00:24,391 --> 01:00:25,425 You were cheap. 1649 01:00:25,425 --> 01:00:26,493 GARRETT: Really? 1650 01:00:26,659 --> 01:00:28,228 I'm being ironical, Garrett. 1651 01:00:29,620 --> 01:00:30,630 The ****? 1652 01:00:34,300 --> 01:00:35,301 Hey, Garrett. 1653 01:00:35,935 --> 01:00:36,936 What's wrong? 1654 01:00:37,237 --> 01:00:39,406 [SIGHS] Nothin'. I'm just... 1655 01:00:40,340 --> 01:00:42,442 Just trying to figure out exactly what it is 1656 01:00:42,442 --> 01:00:43,643 I am doing here. 1657 01:00:43,810 --> 01:00:45,780 Aw, what do you mean? 1658 01:00:45,478 --> 01:00:46,746 You know... 1659 01:00:46,913 --> 01:00:49,616 I just can't help but feeling a little bit like an outsider. 1660 01:00:49,783 --> 01:00:51,184 Because you're so much older? 1661 01:00:51,351 --> 01:00:52,352 What? 1662 01:00:53,186 --> 01:00:55,355 I went to Juilliard. 1663 01:00:55,789 --> 01:00:57,757 I've been on Broadway. I'm a published playwright. 1664 01:00:57,924 --> 01:01:01,494 Man, they got me buzzin' around here in a goddamn bee suit... 1665 01:01:01,661 --> 01:01:03,530 and wavin' a gun around like I'm some kind of hoodlum. 1666 01:01:03,697 --> 01:01:05,765 These are not my strengths, man. 1667 01:01:05,932 --> 01:01:07,867 I am being under-utilized... 1668 01:01:08,340 --> 01:01:09,169 which makes me ponder... 1669 01:01:09,335 --> 01:01:11,338 what am I doing here? 1670 01:01:12,105 --> 01:01:13,340 You know how many operas I've done? 1671 01:01:13,707 --> 01:01:15,175 - I have no idea, Garrett. - Shit... 1672 01:01:15,342 --> 01:01:16,843 while Danny and Laraine were eatin' Froot Loops... 1673 01:01:17,100 --> 01:01:21,715 I was performing La Traviata in Italian. 1674 01:01:21,881 --> 01:01:22,882 Ya dig? 1675 01:01:23,490 --> 01:01:25,285 Of course, I dig, Garrett. 1676 01:01:26,190 --> 01:01:26,853 But, uh... 1677 01:01:27,887 --> 01:01:30,323 no one is saying you can't sing on the show. 1678 01:01:30,490 --> 01:01:31,491 Right? 1679 01:01:34,600 --> 01:01:35,610 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 1680 01:01:38,231 --> 01:01:39,299 Where's the Rumpus room? 1681 01:01:39,466 --> 01:01:42,100 TOGETHER: ♪ Down on the right ♪ 1682 01:01:44,804 --> 01:01:46,373 Oh. Whoa. Pardon me. 1683 01:01:52,245 --> 01:01:54,214 [BELL RINGS] 1684 01:01:54,214 --> 01:01:56,549 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. - WOMAN: And three, two... 1685 01:01:58,318 --> 01:02:00,320 [MUSIC PLAYING] 1686 01:02:04,724 --> 01:02:08,328 And we... Seven, eight, and blocking! 1687 01:02:09,696 --> 01:02:12,766 Five, six... Uh-oh! 1688 01:02:13,366 --> 01:02:14,367 Smile! 1689 01:02:50,360 --> 01:02:51,571 [MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING] 1690 01:02:59,879 --> 01:03:02,820 Hey! You little ****er. 1691 01:03:02,649 --> 01:03:04,217 Get your head out of your ***. 1692 01:03:04,384 --> 01:03:07,287 Prep the cupcake lights and bring up the glitter, Carl. 1693 01:03:08,221 --> 01:03:09,222 Carl? 1694 01:03:09,889 --> 01:03:10,990 I have a job offer. 1695 01:03:11,591 --> 01:03:14,940 Comes with no guarantees, no perks, and no weekends. 1696 01:03:15,628 --> 01:03:16,629 How's the pay? 1697 01:03:18,398 --> 01:03:19,632 That's the worst part. 1698 01:03:24,170 --> 01:03:25,171 MAN: What the ****? 1699 01:03:25,338 --> 01:03:26,406 - When do you start? - LORNE: Right now. 1700 01:03:26,573 --> 01:03:29,476 MAN: Send me a postcard from the gutter, you little shit. 1701 01:03:41,321 --> 01:03:42,422 Rosie, you seen Jackie? 1702 01:03:42,589 --> 01:03:43,957 No. Sorry. 1703 01:03:44,124 --> 01:03:45,658 Knock, knock. 1704 01:03:46,192 --> 01:03:48,328 - Hi. - Hi, stud. Can I see? 1705 01:03:48,495 --> 01:03:49,863 Can you get Chevy to do this one? 1706 01:03:50,300 --> 01:03:52,980 No way. You look so ***y. 1707 01:03:52,265 --> 01:03:54,534 Hey. These can't be the right size. 1708 01:03:54,701 --> 01:03:56,870 Yeah, you're right. They should be a little bit smaller. 1709 01:03:56,870 --> 01:03:57,804 [LAUGHTER] 1710 01:03:57,804 --> 01:03:59,205 DAN: This feels like it's a lot of leg. 1711 01:03:59,372 --> 01:04:00,674 ROSIE: You kidding, hot stuff? 1712 01:04:00,840 --> 01:04:02,800 You're gonna melt every TV in America. 1713 01:04:02,800 --> 01:04:03,143 - DAN: Oh, yeah? - Uh, yeah. 1714 01:04:03,143 --> 01:04:04,844 You know, ma'am, you are dealing 1715 01:04:04,844 --> 01:04:06,179 with a fully-qualified male strumpet here. 1716 01:04:06,179 --> 01:04:07,280 ROSIE: Oh. Male? 1717 01:04:07,280 --> 01:04:08,515 DAN: I've actually got a work order... 1718 01:04:08,515 --> 01:04:12,118 stating I should be rogering you roundly right now! 1719 01:04:12,285 --> 01:04:13,687 LORNE: Hey, have you guys seen John? 1720 01:04:14,521 --> 01:04:16,990 No, I haven't seen him. Danny? 1721 01:04:17,157 --> 01:04:18,625 - Have you seen John? - Yeah? John. 1722 01:04:18,792 --> 01:04:21,695 Well, John's an anarchist and an Illinois alpha male. 1723 01:04:22,362 --> 01:04:23,463 What does that mean? 1724 01:04:23,863 --> 01:04:25,965 Oh. Uh, well, see, boss, you and I, 1725 01:04:25,965 --> 01:04:27,333 if we were to enter this space... 1726 01:04:27,500 --> 01:04:29,335 we'd be like 15th century peasants 1727 01:04:29,335 --> 01:04:30,470 walking into the Vatican... 1728 01:04:30,470 --> 01:04:32,172 but Belushi's a whole other animal. 1729 01:04:32,339 --> 01:04:34,740 He's a skeptic and a sinner. 1730 01:04:34,240 --> 01:04:35,709 I'd give O'Houlihans a recce. 1731 01:04:36,760 --> 01:04:37,711 - He's at the bar next door. - LORNE: Ah. 1732 01:04:38,440 --> 01:04:41,140 Um, Barbara's still asking about your credit on the show. 1733 01:04:41,181 --> 01:04:42,215 ROSIE: Whatever you think. 1734 01:04:42,382 --> 01:04:43,583 It's your name, Rose. 1735 01:04:45,652 --> 01:04:46,753 Has he only gotten that far? 1736 01:04:47,187 --> 01:04:49,522 We'd like to help, but we're rootin' for the guy. 1737 01:04:49,689 --> 01:04:51,324 Well, at least your heart's in it. 1738 01:04:51,491 --> 01:04:53,159 Hey, you seen Jacqueline, my fiancée? 1739 01:04:53,326 --> 01:04:54,994 No, I haven't seen shit! 1740 01:04:55,729 --> 01:04:57,664 Ladies, have you seen Jackie? 1741 01:04:57,831 --> 01:04:58,832 - WOMAN: No. Sorry. - JOE: All right, change of plans. 1742 01:04:58,998 --> 01:05:00,266 We're skippin' Ancient Greece 1743 01:05:00,266 --> 01:05:02,680 and we're movin' into the break room. 1744 01:05:02,235 --> 01:05:03,370 Ladies, I need you in your hard hats. 1745 01:05:03,536 --> 01:05:04,871 - Okay? Right now. Come on. - [BOTH GROAN] 1746 01:05:05,380 --> 01:05:07,173 I don't want to change. 1747 01:05:07,340 --> 01:05:08,908 Are we good? Is he all right? 1748 01:05:09,750 --> 01:05:10,777 Yeah. Yeah. Danny, I mean... 1749 01:05:10,777 --> 01:05:12,212 whatever's going on between you and me 1750 01:05:12,212 --> 01:05:13,913 is the last thing on his mind right now. 1751 01:05:14,800 --> 01:05:16,116 So the man doesn't wrestle with the green-eyed monster? 1752 01:05:16,282 --> 01:05:18,218 Hardly. I mean, look, I've known Lorne 1753 01:05:18,218 --> 01:05:19,886 since I had toilet paper ****. 1754 01:05:20,720 --> 01:05:22,355 One day, he just followed me home from school 1755 01:05:22,355 --> 01:05:24,124 - and I never shook him. - Pretty sure 1756 01:05:24,124 --> 01:05:25,859 - you can be arrested for that. - MOOSE: Look out, Rosie! 1757 01:05:25,859 --> 01:05:27,193 Sorry, Moose. 1758 01:05:28,610 --> 01:05:29,295 Anyways, I don't know, 1759 01:05:29,295 --> 01:05:31,965 Lorne lost his dad when he was 14... 1760 01:05:32,132 --> 01:05:33,733 and his mom sold everything... 1761 01:05:33,900 --> 01:05:36,302 and so he spent a whole year without furniture. 1762 01:05:36,469 --> 01:05:38,710 So when I first met him, I thought... 1763 01:05:38,238 --> 01:05:41,908 he's just a stray looking for a spare piece of carpet... 1764 01:05:42,609 --> 01:05:44,310 like, he wants to be a part of my family... 1765 01:05:44,477 --> 01:05:46,980 and I'm the kid sister or something. 1766 01:05:47,747 --> 01:05:49,749 But then, hormones. 1767 01:05:49,916 --> 01:05:51,885 Turns out, I'm not the kid sister... 1768 01:05:52,385 --> 01:05:55,555 and so we start dating and I think... 1769 01:05:56,256 --> 01:05:59,920 "Okay, he wants to build a family with me." 1770 01:05:59,492 --> 01:06:01,795 And we get married, we buy a house. 1771 01:06:01,961 --> 01:06:03,830 I mean, no ring. I think those are pretty stupid. 1772 01:06:03,997 --> 01:06:06,332 But linens and china. 1773 01:06:07,734 --> 01:06:10,236 And then it turns out... 1774 01:06:10,403 --> 01:06:12,739 I'm not the kid sister or the wife. 1775 01:06:13,340 --> 01:06:14,341 DAN: So who are ya? 1776 01:06:14,808 --> 01:06:16,109 ROSIE: I'm the writer. 1777 01:06:16,276 --> 01:06:18,311 JOE: All right, rehearsal's moments away. 1778 01:06:18,478 --> 01:06:19,813 DAN: And who's he? 1779 01:06:19,979 --> 01:06:22,615 We take you now to Ancient Greece. 1780 01:06:22,615 --> 01:06:24,117 JOE: Not yet, Don. It's the wrong sketch, buddy. 1781 01:06:24,117 --> 01:06:25,585 Can I get you behind the lockers? 1782 01:06:25,752 --> 01:06:27,870 Yeah. 1783 01:06:28,521 --> 01:06:30,900 And try sitting like men. 1784 01:06:30,590 --> 01:06:31,591 - Oh, yeah. - ROSIE: Perfect. 1785 01:06:31,758 --> 01:06:33,960 Okay. Hair and makeup, clear. 1786 01:06:34,260 --> 01:06:35,362 Clearing. 1787 01:06:35,528 --> 01:06:37,197 Please get the **** out. Thank you. 1788 01:06:37,364 --> 01:06:39,532 Okay, and action! 1789 01:06:39,532 --> 01:06:40,500 [LOCKER CLANGS] 1790 01:06:43,403 --> 01:06:44,537 All right. 1791 01:06:45,380 --> 01:06:47,340 Daniel over here has kindly offered... 1792 01:06:47,507 --> 01:06:50,577 to aid us in a live demonstration. 1793 01:06:50,744 --> 01:06:52,412 Come on out, Danny. 1794 01:06:53,580 --> 01:06:55,480 Danny, enter. 1795 01:06:58,251 --> 01:06:59,850 [LAUGHTER] 1796 01:06:59,850 --> 01:07:01,870 ROSIE: No, you got to take off the robe. 1797 01:07:01,870 --> 01:07:02,889 I can lose it on the day. I figured I'd rehearse with... 1798 01:07:02,889 --> 01:07:04,791 No. You can lose the robe right now. 1799 01:07:08,561 --> 01:07:11,310 [ALL CHEERING] 1800 01:07:11,310 --> 01:07:12,532 The shorts are too short. 1801 01:07:14,134 --> 01:07:16,369 Now, when a little piece-a heaven 1802 01:07:16,369 --> 01:07:19,390 - like Danny walks by... - Now strut. 1803 01:07:20,273 --> 01:07:21,741 - Here's how you make him feel... - Right. 1804 01:07:21,741 --> 01:07:22,942 GILDA: ...right at home. 1805 01:07:22,942 --> 01:07:23,910 [LAUGHTER] 1806 01:07:23,910 --> 01:07:26,813 - Voom, va-va voom! Va-va voom! - [ALL CHEERING] 1807 01:07:26,980 --> 01:07:28,581 Show him how to do it, Gilda! 1808 01:07:28,815 --> 01:07:29,949 - Yeah! - GILDA: Come on, Jane. 1809 01:07:30,116 --> 01:07:31,885 - Give it to him. - All right. 1810 01:07:33,530 --> 01:07:34,254 Hey, dreamboat. 1811 01:07:34,788 --> 01:07:37,624 What's the matter? Why don't you give me a little twirl? 1812 01:07:37,791 --> 01:07:40,794 Show me what you're workin' with. 1813 01:07:46,833 --> 01:07:49,436 Hey, stud muffins, want to make bouncy bouncy? 1814 01:07:49,436 --> 01:07:50,870 [LAUGHTER] 1815 01:07:50,870 --> 01:07:52,500 Are we still doing the scene? Or... 1816 01:07:52,500 --> 01:07:53,106 What are ya talkin' to her for? 1817 01:07:53,106 --> 01:07:54,407 You're talkin' to me, joy chunks. 1818 01:07:54,407 --> 01:07:55,742 ROSIE: Stay in character, please. 1819 01:07:55,909 --> 01:07:57,677 - Hey. - GILDA: Come on, baby. 1820 01:07:57,844 --> 01:07:59,612 LARAINE: Ya dropped somethin'. 1821 01:07:59,612 --> 01:08:01,247 ALL: Whoa! 1822 01:08:02,248 --> 01:08:03,750 Well, I guess I should just pick this up. 1823 01:08:04,718 --> 01:08:05,719 They are so cute 1824 01:08:05,719 --> 01:08:07,253 - when they're mad! - All right, thank you. 1825 01:08:07,253 --> 01:08:08,588 Okay, cut. 1826 01:08:08,588 --> 01:08:10,900 [APPLAUSE] 1827 01:08:11,910 --> 01:08:12,726 The shorts are too short. I told ya. 1828 01:08:13,493 --> 01:08:16,262 Here you go. It was a great scene. 1829 01:08:16,763 --> 01:08:17,764 - Yeah, strumpet. - Thanks. 1830 01:08:17,931 --> 01:08:19,599 JOE: All right, and we're movin' on. 1831 01:08:19,599 --> 01:08:20,767 Great rehearsal. Here we go. 1832 01:08:20,934 --> 01:08:23,603 We take you now to Ancient Greece... 1833 01:08:23,770 --> 01:08:25,171 as Alexander the Great... 1834 01:08:25,338 --> 01:08:27,741 attends his ten-year high school reunion. 1835 01:08:27,907 --> 01:08:29,509 Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie? 1836 01:08:31,770 --> 01:08:32,112 Gentlemen, you seen Jackie? 1837 01:08:35,348 --> 01:08:36,916 JACQUELINE: Look at that. My goodness. 1838 01:08:37,830 --> 01:08:38,518 Hey, hon. They need us in Athens. 1839 01:08:38,685 --> 01:08:39,753 MILTON: Jesus, who's this guy? 1840 01:08:39,919 --> 01:08:41,421 Chevy, Milton taped a show here... 1841 01:08:41,588 --> 01:08:43,923 - back in 1956, isn't that neat? - Ooh! 1842 01:08:44,900 --> 01:08:45,125 She's taken. 1843 01:08:45,291 --> 01:08:47,193 What hours? I'll take the rest of the evening. 1844 01:08:47,360 --> 01:08:48,561 - Excuse me? - JACQUELINE: He's kidding. 1845 01:08:48,728 --> 01:08:49,796 Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding. 1846 01:08:49,963 --> 01:08:50,964 CHEVY: Oh, that's cute. 1847 01:08:51,131 --> 01:08:52,699 I remember when you used to do comedy. 1848 01:08:52,866 --> 01:08:54,267 Funny, 'cause I never heard of you. 1849 01:08:54,434 --> 01:08:56,690 That's probably the Alzheimer's. 1850 01:08:56,903 --> 01:08:58,371 What's the matter, did you wander off 1851 01:08:58,371 --> 01:09:00,707 - onto an actual TV set? - [CHUCKLES] 1852 01:09:01,141 --> 01:09:02,275 Hey, darling, you're sitting 1853 01:09:02,275 --> 01:09:04,770 in front of the Ghost of Television Past. 1854 01:09:04,244 --> 01:09:05,245 This old man... 1855 01:09:05,412 --> 01:09:07,213 he used to be an institution. Now he needs one. 1856 01:09:09,820 --> 01:09:10,950 If you want my comeback, you're gonna have to scrape it 1857 01:09:10,950 --> 01:09:12,786 off the back of your mom's teeth. 1858 01:09:12,952 --> 01:09:14,120 [CHUCKLES] Jesus. 1859 01:09:15,922 --> 01:09:16,956 You're gonna laugh at that? 1860 01:09:16,956 --> 01:09:18,124 MILTON: Listen, sweetheart. 1861 01:09:18,291 --> 01:09:20,930 There's plenty more where that came from. 1862 01:09:22,862 --> 01:09:23,697 [CHUCKLES] 1863 01:09:25,331 --> 01:09:27,233 I have two stars on the Walk of Fame. 1864 01:09:27,233 --> 01:09:28,868 - Oh. - Oh, yeah. Who gives a shit? 1865 01:09:28,868 --> 01:09:29,903 CHEVY: Hmm. 1866 01:09:29,903 --> 01:09:31,137 MILTON: I once held 97%... 1867 01:09:31,304 --> 01:09:33,707 of America's television viewing audience. 1868 01:09:36,900 --> 01:09:37,577 That's not what they're gonna remember. 1869 01:09:38,578 --> 01:09:40,814 They're gonna remember Mr. Television. 1870 01:09:41,748 --> 01:09:43,216 Their Uncle Miltie. 1871 01:09:45,185 --> 01:09:46,486 Who the **** are you, kid? 1872 01:09:48,221 --> 01:09:49,322 You're not a star. 1873 01:09:51,191 --> 01:09:53,193 You're barely in the ****ing building. 1874 01:09:53,526 --> 01:09:54,427 [SCOFFS] 1875 01:09:57,430 --> 01:09:58,998 Call me after he's done crying. 1876 01:09:59,165 --> 01:10:01,534 GEORGE: Are you shitting me? 1877 01:10:01,701 --> 01:10:03,303 Are you shitting me with this costume? 1878 01:10:03,470 --> 01:10:04,471 Can you make a path? 1879 01:10:04,471 --> 01:10:06,172 There's an actual comedian coming through. 1880 01:10:06,339 --> 01:10:07,807 Wow. Look at these columns. 1881 01:10:07,974 --> 01:10:09,542 I feel transported. Oh! 1882 01:10:10,143 --> 01:10:11,845 Hey, George. How can I help? 1883 01:10:12,445 --> 01:10:14,381 So, what is this? 1884 01:10:14,547 --> 01:10:17,117 Why am I dressed like a ****in' towel boy from Caesar's? 1885 01:10:17,283 --> 01:10:19,619 Well, I believe you're Alexander the Great at his... 1886 01:10:19,786 --> 01:10:21,221 Ten-year high school reunion. 1887 01:10:21,388 --> 01:10:22,389 - Thank you, Don. - Exactly. 1888 01:10:22,555 --> 01:10:23,723 So, when Chevy asks what you've been up to... 1889 01:10:23,890 --> 01:10:25,158 your response is, "You know... 1890 01:10:25,325 --> 01:10:27,827 "mostly conquering the known universe." [CHUCKLES] 1891 01:10:28,962 --> 01:10:30,697 Right. And this is for television. 1892 01:10:30,697 --> 01:10:32,198 - Right. - What's your concern, George? 1893 01:10:32,365 --> 01:10:33,500 My real concern is why I let my agent 1894 01:10:33,500 --> 01:10:34,567 convince me to do your show. 1895 01:10:34,567 --> 01:10:35,668 Do you need some help with the script? 1896 01:10:35,835 --> 01:10:37,504 I'd just love to know where the humor is. 1897 01:10:37,671 --> 01:10:39,639 It's like a Spruce Goose. It's a lot of wood, no lift off. 1898 01:10:39,639 --> 01:10:40,740 LORNE: Well, we can rewrite. I mean, we have... 1899 01:10:40,740 --> 01:10:41,841 Is that right? 1900 01:10:41,841 --> 01:10:43,900 - Jesus Christ. - Great. 1901 01:10:43,176 --> 01:10:44,711 - We could find... - No, no, no. George, I hear you. 1902 01:10:44,711 --> 01:10:46,312 - LORNE: We want to make it work. - I think I understand 1903 01:10:46,312 --> 01:10:48,148 the reason you might be struggling. 1904 01:10:48,848 --> 01:10:50,216 You see, these are scenes. 1905 01:10:50,383 --> 01:10:51,384 Well, sketches. 1906 01:10:51,384 --> 01:10:53,253 - They revolve around acting. - Michael... 1907 01:10:53,420 --> 01:10:54,421 And that must feel foreign 1908 01:10:54,421 --> 01:10:55,522 when you're a ponytailed vulture... 1909 01:10:55,522 --> 01:10:57,357 feeding off the corpse of Lenny Bruce. 1910 01:10:58,580 --> 01:10:58,892 [SCOFFS] 1911 01:11:03,196 --> 01:11:04,931 It's okay. He's right. You're right. 1912 01:11:08,668 --> 01:11:10,270 Because I wouldn't want to make these skits 1913 01:11:10,270 --> 01:11:12,205 any worse than they actually are. 1914 01:11:12,672 --> 01:11:15,709 It's a great thing no one will be watching. 1915 01:11:15,875 --> 01:11:18,440 Enjoy your ****ing little circle jerk. 1916 01:11:18,211 --> 01:11:20,180 - We already are. - GEORGE: Oh, your mom's here? 1917 01:11:20,180 --> 01:11:21,810 [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] 1918 01:11:24,250 --> 01:11:25,518 Well, he's in character. 1919 01:11:38,965 --> 01:11:40,600 [CLOCK TICKING] 1920 01:11:48,742 --> 01:11:49,743 LEO: It's shit. 1921 01:12:06,993 --> 01:12:08,328 Lorne, Lorne. 1922 01:12:09,162 --> 01:12:10,163 Lorne. 1923 01:12:10,830 --> 01:12:11,931 Lorne, great news. 1924 01:12:12,980 --> 01:12:14,100 We figured it out. Ready? 1925 01:12:19,673 --> 01:12:20,674 Ta-da. 1926 01:12:21,408 --> 01:12:23,443 - We cut the toga sketch. - Oh. 1927 01:12:24,110 --> 01:12:25,745 Even without Alexander, we're still 30 over. 1928 01:12:25,912 --> 01:12:27,981 Maybe we don't need four musical performances? 1929 01:12:28,148 --> 01:12:30,160 Or maybe we could trim one of the Carlin monologues. 1930 01:12:30,183 --> 01:12:31,184 Okay. 1931 01:12:38,591 --> 01:12:40,160 What about now? Are we under now? 1932 01:12:41,327 --> 01:12:42,462 We can make it work. 1933 01:12:42,462 --> 01:12:44,197 [BREATHING HEAVILY] 1934 01:12:48,101 --> 01:12:49,302 Hey, hey, Lorne, Lorne. 1935 01:12:49,469 --> 01:12:52,706 Look, I know it's probably a bad time and all, but, um... 1936 01:12:53,673 --> 01:12:54,674 but Valri and I have been talking... 1937 01:12:54,674 --> 01:12:55,775 LORNE: Yeah. 1938 01:12:55,775 --> 01:12:57,844 ...and we can't accept anything less than four minutes a piece. 1939 01:12:57,844 --> 01:12:59,546 So, that's four minutes for me, four minutes for Valri. 1940 01:12:59,713 --> 01:13:00,947 Look, we've just been... 1941 01:13:01,348 --> 01:13:02,816 working too hard on our material 1942 01:13:02,816 --> 01:13:04,451 to accept anything less so it's... 1943 01:13:05,151 --> 01:13:06,286 four minutes or nothin'. 1944 01:13:06,519 --> 01:13:07,954 Well, I need two minutes. 1945 01:13:08,321 --> 01:13:09,689 You need me to cut two minutes of my sketch? 1946 01:13:09,689 --> 01:13:10,790 I could do that, Lorne. 1947 01:13:10,790 --> 01:13:12,325 I mean, that's six minutes only, you know. I can make that... 1948 01:13:12,492 --> 01:13:13,793 No, I need two minutes of material. 1949 01:13:14,527 --> 01:13:15,628 It's two minutes or nothing. 1950 01:13:16,290 --> 01:13:17,297 Is this for real? 'Cause... 1951 01:13:18,310 --> 01:13:19,799 Okay, I killed at dress, right? 1952 01:13:19,799 --> 01:13:21,201 I'm the only good act that killed at dress. 1953 01:13:21,201 --> 01:13:22,302 I can do the show, so... 1954 01:13:22,302 --> 01:13:23,570 Billy, can you make it work in two minutes? 1955 01:13:23,737 --> 01:13:25,972 - I can't even set it up in two. - Then I don't know what to say. 1956 01:13:26,139 --> 01:13:27,307 I'm sorry it didn't work out. 1957 01:13:27,741 --> 01:13:28,742 Can you make it in two? 1958 01:13:29,743 --> 01:13:31,770 - Yes. - Great. 1959 01:13:38,818 --> 01:13:40,220 ****: Lorne, Lorne. 1960 01:13:41,154 --> 01:13:41,988 Uh... 1961 01:13:43,423 --> 01:13:44,424 I was thinking... 1962 01:13:45,158 --> 01:13:46,359 why don't we punt? 1963 01:13:48,361 --> 01:13:51,640 Come back stronger next week, debut with Paul Simon. 1964 01:13:51,498 --> 01:13:52,565 That's what you've been thinking? 1965 01:13:52,732 --> 01:13:55,268 Listen, no one wants this show to succeed more than I do. 1966 01:13:55,435 --> 01:13:56,436 LORNE: Is that so? 1967 01:13:57,170 --> 01:13:59,205 I mean, yeah, I hired you, Lorne. 1968 01:13:59,706 --> 01:14:01,107 I take it up the *** from this network every day... 1969 01:14:01,274 --> 01:14:02,709 because I believe in this show. 1970 01:14:02,876 --> 01:14:04,878 And I'm telling you, we should run the dress rehearsal... 1971 01:14:05,450 --> 01:14:06,613 and claw back a win next Saturday. 1972 01:14:06,780 --> 01:14:08,181 It's in everyone's best interest. 1973 01:14:08,181 --> 01:14:09,416 Mainly yours. 1974 01:14:09,416 --> 01:14:10,784 Sorry. Was that a threat? 1975 01:14:10,950 --> 01:14:12,786 No. What? No. 1976 01:14:13,186 --> 01:14:15,422 Lorne, all I'm trying to do is give you advice. 1977 01:14:15,588 --> 01:14:16,756 25 minutes! 1978 01:14:18,910 --> 01:14:19,759 Thanks for the advice, but we can't, ****. 1979 01:14:19,759 --> 01:14:20,860 It's a live show. 1980 01:14:20,860 --> 01:14:21,928 No one's gonna know the difference. 1981 01:14:21,928 --> 01:14:23,530 - We just can't. - Lorne, you need to start 1982 01:14:23,530 --> 01:14:25,532 adjusting your concept of what you can and cannot do. 1983 01:14:25,532 --> 01:14:27,100 We can't because there is no tape. 1984 01:14:27,267 --> 01:14:28,968 I didn't record the dress rehearsal. 1985 01:14:29,636 --> 01:14:31,371 So, we don't have to argue about it. 1986 01:14:32,739 --> 01:14:33,740 You didn't what? 1987 01:14:34,240 --> 01:14:35,241 We just have to make it to air. 1988 01:14:35,408 --> 01:14:37,243 Lorne, I'm not gonna be able to protect you. 1989 01:14:37,410 --> 01:14:39,879 - I'm used to that. - Oh, screw you. 1990 01:14:40,460 --> 01:14:42,415 Do you know how much bullshit never makes it to your ears? 1991 01:14:42,582 --> 01:14:43,917 Because I'm the wall they hit. 1992 01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:45,885 Tell that to your Polaroid rep. She's cute. 1993 01:14:46,520 --> 01:14:48,321 I'm sorry you need a sponsor for a show 1994 01:14:48,321 --> 01:14:50,560 that can't pull a single advertiser. 1995 01:14:50,223 --> 01:14:51,958 You know they're giving out the ads for free? 1996 01:14:52,125 --> 01:14:55,462 NBC is lucky to have something as relevant as this show. 1997 01:14:55,462 --> 01:14:56,796 Lorne, they don't even want it. 1998 01:14:56,796 --> 01:14:57,897 That's logical, ****. That's why 1999 01:14:57,897 --> 01:14:59,990 they're paying us all to be here. 2000 01:14:59,990 --> 01:15:00,600 [SIGHS IN EXASPERATION] 2001 01:15:02,902 --> 01:15:04,404 They want you to fail. 2002 01:15:04,804 --> 01:15:05,839 They're betting on it. 2003 01:15:05,839 --> 01:15:06,973 Really? 2004 01:15:06,973 --> 01:15:08,241 NBC makes more money 2005 01:15:08,241 --> 01:15:10,176 playing reruns of The Tonight Show. 2006 01:15:10,343 --> 01:15:12,512 - So, why don't they? - It's a contract dispute, Lorne. 2007 01:15:12,679 --> 01:15:14,447 I mean, they're trying to prove to Johnny Carson 2008 01:15:14,447 --> 01:15:16,160 that the reruns are inevitable. 2009 01:15:16,182 --> 01:15:19,252 So, they built a show that was guaranteed to fail. 2010 01:15:19,419 --> 01:15:21,454 I mean, Lorne, 90 minutes of live television 2011 01:15:21,454 --> 01:15:22,789 by a group of 20-year-olds... 2012 01:15:22,956 --> 01:15:24,124 who've never made anything. 2013 01:15:24,357 --> 01:15:26,760 Do you ever stop and wonder why they said yes? 2014 01:15:26,926 --> 01:15:29,829 A counterculture show starring total unknowns... 2015 01:15:29,996 --> 01:15:32,465 with zero narrative and even less structure? 2016 01:15:32,632 --> 01:15:34,768 Are you that ****ing arrogant... 2017 01:15:35,201 --> 01:15:37,303 that you never even questioned this? 2018 01:15:40,206 --> 01:15:41,775 Now, look, you want to know what's gonna happen 2019 01:15:41,775 --> 01:15:43,643 at 11:30 tonight? Okay. 2020 01:15:44,210 --> 01:15:45,512 Your actors will be on their marks. 2021 01:15:45,679 --> 01:15:47,447 Band's tuned up, all ready to go. 2022 01:15:47,614 --> 01:15:49,490 Joe will be hollering out the countdown... 2023 01:15:49,215 --> 01:15:50,450 and you'll be in the control room... 2024 01:15:50,617 --> 01:15:52,886 and Dave Tebet will be standing probably right next to you. 2025 01:15:53,530 --> 01:15:54,521 And when those screens go black... 2026 01:15:54,688 --> 01:15:56,560 he will raise his big-***, 2027 01:15:56,560 --> 01:15:57,691 jeweled-up index finger and say... 2028 01:15:57,857 --> 01:15:58,892 "Go to Carson." 2029 01:15:59,292 --> 01:16:00,627 And that will be that. 2030 01:16:01,995 --> 01:16:03,290 You blew it. 2031 01:16:07,500 --> 01:16:09,969 And listen, I know you all make fun of me... 2032 01:16:10,136 --> 01:16:11,504 and my clothes behind my back. 2033 01:16:12,372 --> 01:16:14,374 But, Lorne, I'm killing myself for this show. 2034 01:16:16,710 --> 01:16:18,211 Also, Polaroid is cool. 2035 01:16:38,732 --> 01:16:40,867 - Oh, shit! Lorne. - It worked! 2036 01:16:46,373 --> 01:16:47,674 Nice work, fellas. 2037 01:16:48,908 --> 01:16:50,410 A little heavy on the flow, but very funny. 2038 01:16:51,544 --> 01:16:52,545 Sorry about the clothes. 2039 01:16:52,712 --> 01:16:54,140 AL: And your face. 2040 01:16:55,915 --> 01:17:00,353 Art is but a measure of sacrifice and tears. 2041 01:17:01,855 --> 01:17:02,889 Not quite ready for tonight, 2042 01:17:02,889 --> 01:17:04,724 but I'll keep it on a special list. 2043 01:17:06,526 --> 01:17:08,228 BOTH: "Special list"? 2044 01:17:22,108 --> 01:17:23,109 Lobby. 2045 01:17:27,547 --> 01:17:29,215 This an okay time? 2046 01:17:30,250 --> 01:17:31,251 Ideal. 2047 01:17:31,584 --> 01:17:32,585 Look... 2048 01:17:34,320 --> 01:17:35,789 I know what people say... 2049 01:17:35,955 --> 01:17:38,825 when they see a man with his arm up a Muppet. 2050 01:17:40,600 --> 01:17:40,894 But... 2051 01:17:41,394 --> 01:17:43,730 this isn't just kid's stuff. 2052 01:17:44,564 --> 01:17:46,433 I believe, deep in my heart... 2053 01:17:46,599 --> 01:17:49,803 that there is room for high-stakes puppetry... 2054 01:17:49,969 --> 01:17:51,604 on grown-up TV. 2055 01:17:51,838 --> 01:17:54,841 And... I get the sense that... 2056 01:17:55,800 --> 01:17:57,177 some of the writers on the 17th floor 2057 01:17:57,177 --> 01:17:59,145 don't share that dream. 2058 01:18:01,481 --> 01:18:03,249 You didn't like the pages? 2059 01:18:06,419 --> 01:18:07,821 There were no pages. 2060 01:18:08,655 --> 01:18:11,910 - [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] - That's fair criticism. 2061 01:18:13,293 --> 01:18:14,494 MAN: Free show! 2062 01:18:15,950 --> 01:18:16,196 Free show, sir? 2063 01:18:16,996 --> 01:18:17,997 Free show. 2064 01:18:19,833 --> 01:18:21,935 Plenty of tickets left, guys. Free show. 2065 01:18:22,335 --> 01:18:23,670 The night's still young. 2066 01:18:24,471 --> 01:18:25,538 Hey, man! How's it going? 2067 01:18:31,311 --> 01:18:33,346 BILLY: Thank you. Long Island. 2068 01:18:33,813 --> 01:18:35,150 Massapequa Park. 2069 01:18:35,482 --> 01:18:36,483 MAN: Hello? 2070 01:18:38,852 --> 01:18:40,854 [MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING] 2071 01:18:58,505 --> 01:19:00,640 [MELANCHOLIC MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING] 2072 01:19:07,180 --> 01:19:08,715 MAN: My family had trouble fittin' in 2073 01:19:08,715 --> 01:19:10,316 when they got to America. 2074 01:19:10,483 --> 01:19:11,918 Even though my great-grandfather 2075 01:19:11,918 --> 01:19:14,187 actually fought in the Civil War... 2076 01:19:14,521 --> 01:19:16,423 he fought for the West. 2077 01:19:16,423 --> 01:19:18,692 - [SIGHS] Jesus Christ. - MAN: Okay. 2078 01:19:18,858 --> 01:19:20,760 This drunk, he's in front of the bench. 2079 01:19:20,927 --> 01:19:23,229 The judge says, "Hey, we brought you in for drinking." 2080 01:19:23,396 --> 01:19:25,432 And the drunk goes, "Great. What are we havin'?" 2081 01:19:27,167 --> 01:19:30,570 That's not the punch line. Jesus, ****ing bullshit! 2082 01:19:30,737 --> 01:19:32,500 What's happening here? 2083 01:19:32,739 --> 01:19:36,176 I get paid seven bucks a joke, if it gets a laugh. Which... 2084 01:19:36,543 --> 01:19:38,211 This putz is taking bulletproof material 2085 01:19:38,211 --> 01:19:39,279 and filling it with lead. 2086 01:19:39,279 --> 01:19:40,513 You wrote his jokes? 2087 01:19:40,513 --> 01:19:42,615 Yeah. I wrote things that vaguely resemble 2088 01:19:42,615 --> 01:19:43,950 the things that he's saying. 2089 01:19:44,684 --> 01:19:46,920 Why don't you just perform them yourself? 2090 01:19:47,587 --> 01:19:49,622 Look at me. This is how much I sweat off-stage. 2091 01:19:50,230 --> 01:19:51,791 MAN: I get home from work the other night... 2092 01:19:52,192 --> 01:19:54,761 I see my wife in bed with my best friend. 2093 01:19:54,928 --> 01:19:57,764 I say to him, I go, "I have to, but you?" 2094 01:19:57,931 --> 01:19:59,632 - Oh, my God. - How many do you have in here? 2095 01:19:59,799 --> 01:20:02,302 About 1,100. They're single-spaced. 2096 01:20:02,736 --> 01:20:04,700 Sorry, do you mind if I go through them? 2097 01:20:04,237 --> 01:20:06,406 - Bring up the next comedian! - Yeah. Go for it. 2098 01:20:06,573 --> 01:20:07,607 MAN: I'm sure you'll hate him, too. 2099 01:20:07,607 --> 01:20:09,909 - [CROWD CLAPPING WEAKLY] - [MICROPHONE FEEDBACK] 2100 01:20:11,544 --> 01:20:12,545 - Move. - [CHUCKLES] 2101 01:20:16,249 --> 01:20:18,585 God. That was ****in' rough. Shit crowd. 2102 01:20:18,752 --> 01:20:20,860 Yeah, that was it. 2103 01:20:21,755 --> 01:20:22,756 Hey, come on. What's with the quarters? 2104 01:20:22,922 --> 01:20:25,992 Well, I changed the punch line from 46 to 49... 2105 01:20:26,159 --> 01:20:27,994 for the line about the Buick. 2106 01:20:28,161 --> 01:20:29,295 Much bigger laugh, by the way. 2107 01:20:29,462 --> 01:20:31,731 So, that means I only owe you $3.50. 2108 01:20:31,898 --> 01:20:32,899 You want a job? 2109 01:20:33,660 --> 01:20:34,167 That would be great. 2110 01:20:34,334 --> 01:20:35,902 I want a length of rope and a sturdy beam. 2111 01:20:36,690 --> 01:20:37,971 How much do you need to live? 2112 01:20:38,138 --> 01:20:40,340 I make three bucks an hour at my day job. Match it. 2113 01:20:40,507 --> 01:20:42,242 Tell him what you really do. Tell him. 2114 01:20:42,409 --> 01:20:43,643 He's a deli boy. 2115 01:20:43,810 --> 01:20:46,413 Okay? He's a schmuck in a little paper hat... 2116 01:20:46,413 --> 01:20:49,820 who slices the pastrami behind the counter. 2117 01:20:49,820 --> 01:20:50,617 [CHUCKLES] And he can barely do that. 2118 01:20:50,617 --> 01:20:51,918 Tell him what you did to your finger. 2119 01:20:52,152 --> 01:20:53,753 You're hired. Lorne Michaels. 2120 01:20:53,920 --> 01:20:56,690 - Alan. Zweibel. - Are you ****ing kidding me? 2121 01:20:56,856 --> 01:20:58,258 You'd be better off buying the pastrami. 2122 01:20:58,425 --> 01:20:59,426 Let's go. 2123 01:20:59,592 --> 01:21:00,794 Wait, what? When do we start? 2124 01:21:00,794 --> 01:21:03,129 Um... Jesus Christ. 2125 01:21:04,631 --> 01:21:06,700 MAN: You can't... You better not leave. 2126 01:21:07,200 --> 01:21:08,768 This is not gonna be good for you. 2127 01:21:08,768 --> 01:21:10,837 I was gonna take you to Reno. 2128 01:21:15,842 --> 01:21:16,810 [GILDA LAUGHING] 2129 01:21:18,845 --> 01:21:20,213 GILDA: Look at that form. 2130 01:21:20,880 --> 01:21:22,115 Beautiful. 2131 01:21:23,817 --> 01:21:24,884 [CHUCKLES SOFTLY] 2132 01:21:33,226 --> 01:21:35,280 You ever have nostalgia for a moment 2133 01:21:35,280 --> 01:21:36,329 while you're still in it? 2134 01:21:38,698 --> 01:21:40,467 I mean, like... 2135 01:21:41,401 --> 01:21:43,470 You're in the moment, but you're also... 2136 01:21:43,903 --> 01:21:45,905 looking back on it. Like... 2137 01:21:47,700 --> 01:21:49,676 Right now, I'm here, but I'm also... 2138 01:21:50,176 --> 01:21:52,879 thinking about this moment 20 years from now. 2139 01:21:53,460 --> 01:21:54,647 We're walking by this ice rink. 2140 01:21:55,715 --> 01:21:56,983 Maybe it's Christmas... 2141 01:21:57,150 --> 01:22:00,186 and our kids are draggin' us by our pinkies... 2142 01:22:00,653 --> 01:22:03,990 and we got presents loaded on our shoulders... 2143 01:22:04,891 --> 01:22:06,826 and all we can think about is this moment, 2144 01:22:06,826 --> 01:22:08,895 right before we went on TV. 2145 01:22:16,236 --> 01:22:17,604 LORNE: You know, the NBC liability act 2146 01:22:17,604 --> 01:22:19,172 forbids you from ice skating. 2147 01:22:20,507 --> 01:22:21,508 GILDA: I found John. 2148 01:22:21,675 --> 01:22:22,676 LORNE: Oh, excellent work, Gilda. 2149 01:22:22,842 --> 01:22:24,878 JOHN: Good thing I didn't sign my contract. 2150 01:22:28,114 --> 01:22:29,349 LORNE: What's the deal, John? 2151 01:22:31,251 --> 01:22:32,519 You on the show or not? 2152 01:22:37,424 --> 01:22:40,460 The one where I get to dress up like a giant, grotesque bee? 2153 01:22:41,361 --> 01:22:43,463 I don't know. Let me ask my childhood dreams. 2154 01:22:48,435 --> 01:22:50,236 I want to try a triple axel. 2155 01:22:50,770 --> 01:22:52,405 Now we're talkin'. 2156 01:22:52,572 --> 01:22:54,400 How about a single axel? 2157 01:22:54,441 --> 01:22:55,442 Nah. 2158 01:22:56,309 --> 01:22:58,611 I figure I can either pull off the triple... 2159 01:23:00,460 --> 01:23:01,114 or die trying. 2160 01:23:02,248 --> 01:23:03,450 Those are the options? 2161 01:23:09,756 --> 01:23:12,325 [BOTH CHUCKLING] 2162 01:23:12,325 --> 01:23:14,961 Okay, John. I... I... 2163 01:23:14,961 --> 01:23:16,496 I support it. 2164 01:23:23,903 --> 01:23:24,904 Oh, God. 2165 01:23:29,509 --> 01:23:30,343 [EXHALES] 2166 01:23:37,830 --> 01:23:38,918 - He's gonna break something. - Oh, God. 2167 01:23:40,854 --> 01:23:42,188 [GRUNTS, GROANS] 2168 01:23:42,188 --> 01:23:43,289 - Oh, ****! - Shit. John! 2169 01:23:43,289 --> 01:23:44,357 John? 2170 01:23:44,791 --> 01:23:46,159 - GILDA: John! - LORNE: ****! 2171 01:23:46,326 --> 01:23:47,327 Are you okay? 2172 01:23:48,828 --> 01:23:50,830 [GROANING] 2173 01:23:51,931 --> 01:23:53,466 You all right? I yield. 2174 01:23:54,801 --> 01:23:56,336 I accept your surrender. 2175 01:23:56,503 --> 01:23:58,872 Do you want me to help you up? 2176 01:23:59,390 --> 01:24:00,400 No. 2177 01:24:01,141 --> 01:24:02,976 I'm just gonna lie here for a minute. 2178 01:24:04,644 --> 01:24:06,546 Okay, sure. Yeah. 2179 01:24:07,347 --> 01:24:08,982 We have all the time in the world. 2180 01:24:12,852 --> 01:24:14,220 [LORNE CHUCKLES SOFTLY] 2181 01:24:14,220 --> 01:24:16,289 Who is that ***hole, anyway? 2182 01:24:17,524 --> 01:24:18,892 It's Prometheus. 2183 01:24:19,993 --> 01:24:21,628 He stole fire from the cauldron of the gods... 2184 01:24:21,795 --> 01:24:24,731 gave it to man, so we could have science and the arts. 2185 01:24:28,668 --> 01:24:30,236 All right. I'm gonna head back up. 2186 01:24:31,471 --> 01:24:33,173 We have a show to put on... 2187 01:24:33,340 --> 01:24:35,308 and I'd like to be there when I get fired. 2188 01:24:37,770 --> 01:24:38,511 I'd hope to see you there, too, John. 2189 01:24:50,560 --> 01:24:50,890 [CRASH] 2190 01:24:59,899 --> 01:25:00,934 - Hey! - LORNE: Hey. 2191 01:25:01,101 --> 01:25:02,936 Heard you needed a quick change for the last act? 2192 01:25:03,103 --> 01:25:04,104 Thank you. 2193 01:25:11,778 --> 01:25:13,113 What should I say when I get up there? 2194 01:25:13,279 --> 01:25:14,848 - How should I know? - You're the writer. 2195 01:25:15,150 --> 01:25:16,416 - You're the talker. - I'm the talker? 2196 01:25:16,583 --> 01:25:18,618 Yeah, you talk the peel off a grape. 2197 01:25:19,719 --> 01:25:20,720 That was funny. 2198 01:25:28,728 --> 01:25:29,763 Rose, I won't be offended 2199 01:25:29,763 --> 01:25:31,398 if you don't want to use my last name. 2200 01:25:32,132 --> 01:25:34,200 It's not your last name, Lipowitz. 2201 01:25:38,438 --> 01:25:39,472 Whoa! 2202 01:25:39,472 --> 01:25:40,874 Check it out! Full house, right? 2203 01:25:41,410 --> 01:25:42,420 What did you tell them? 2204 01:25:42,208 --> 01:25:43,410 Well, I kind of had to lie a little bit, 2205 01:25:43,410 --> 01:25:44,477 but the vibes are really good. 2206 01:25:44,644 --> 01:25:45,812 Can we start to let them in? 2207 01:25:45,812 --> 01:25:47,814 - Uh... Almost. - All right. 2208 01:25:47,981 --> 01:25:49,582 Five minutes, guys. 10 minutes tops. 2209 01:25:49,582 --> 01:25:51,510 Let's keep these vibes going! 2210 01:25:51,618 --> 01:25:53,153 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] 2211 01:25:57,390 --> 01:25:58,892 - Adequate? - Adequate. 2212 01:25:58,892 --> 01:25:59,993 [**** CHUCKLES] 2213 01:26:02,896 --> 01:26:05,265 - Can you imagine being first up? - Opening the show and all. 2214 01:26:05,432 --> 01:26:06,433 TOM: Millions of people trying to decide... 2215 01:26:06,599 --> 01:26:08,768 AL: How they want to spend their Saturday night. 2216 01:26:08,935 --> 01:26:11,400 What's the first thing they see? No logo, no intro. 2217 01:26:11,400 --> 01:26:12,472 Nope. Just a close up of your pretty face. 2218 01:26:12,472 --> 01:26:13,840 - Nah. - Nah. Who gives a ****, right? 2219 01:26:13,840 --> 01:26:14,941 Yeah. It's just a bunch of animals 2220 01:26:14,941 --> 01:26:16,900 watching their lava lamps. 2221 01:26:16,900 --> 01:26:17,110 You're gonna do great. 2222 01:26:17,110 --> 01:26:18,178 - TOM: Yeah. - **** off. 2223 01:26:18,178 --> 01:26:19,412 - AL: We're pullin' for you. - TOM: Break a leg! 2224 01:26:22,349 --> 01:26:24,684 You the writer Lorne found in a bar? 2225 01:26:25,452 --> 01:26:26,920 That's a slightly romantic read of the story, 2226 01:26:26,920 --> 01:26:28,880 but, yeah, I guess so. 2227 01:26:28,254 --> 01:26:30,623 All right. Well, jump on in. Water's warm. 2228 01:26:30,790 --> 01:26:31,791 - Okay. - [BELL RINGS] 2229 01:26:31,958 --> 01:26:33,493 Okay. Quiet, please! 2230 01:26:33,660 --> 01:26:36,496 Work stops now. We're holding for a sound check. 2231 01:26:36,663 --> 01:26:37,664 Who wants to do the sound check? 2232 01:26:37,831 --> 01:26:39,799 Garrett! Don't you know a song? 2233 01:26:40,934 --> 01:26:41,768 Hmm? 2234 01:26:43,536 --> 01:26:44,371 [CLEARS THROAT] 2235 01:26:45,972 --> 01:26:47,707 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 2236 01:26:50,443 --> 01:26:55,448 ♪ I'm ♪ 2237 01:26:55,615 --> 01:26:57,851 ♪ Gonna ♪ 2238 01:26:58,451 --> 01:27:01,621 ♪ Get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2239 01:27:01,988 --> 01:27:05,692 ♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2240 01:27:05,859 --> 01:27:07,794 ♪ When I kill All the Whities I see ♪ 2241 01:27:07,961 --> 01:27:11,631 ♪ Then Whitey He won't bother me ♪ 2242 01:27:12,732 --> 01:27:16,136 ♪ Gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2243 01:27:16,302 --> 01:27:19,472 ♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2244 01:27:19,472 --> 01:27:20,573 [CHEERING] 2245 01:27:20,573 --> 01:27:24,770 ♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2246 01:27:24,770 --> 01:27:26,212 ♪ When I kill All the Whities I see ♪ 2247 01:27:26,379 --> 01:27:30,150 ♪ Whitey, he won't bother me ♪ 2248 01:27:30,316 --> 01:27:32,686 ♪ Gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I ♪ 2249 01:27:32,852 --> 01:27:34,654 ♪ Gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I ♪ 2250 01:27:34,821 --> 01:27:37,857 ♪ Gonna get me a shotgun And kill all the Whities I see ♪ 2251 01:27:38,658 --> 01:27:39,993 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 2252 01:27:39,993 --> 01:27:42,280 LORNE: Bravo! Garrett! 2253 01:27:42,495 --> 01:27:44,564 - That was fantastic. - GARRETT: Thank you. 2254 01:27:45,198 --> 01:27:46,199 Thank you. 2255 01:27:47,670 --> 01:27:48,680 LORNE: That was perfect. 2256 01:27:48,680 --> 01:27:49,602 - You have an incredible voice. - GARRETT: You're still not 2257 01:27:49,602 --> 01:27:51,671 - gonna give me no lines. - It was beautiful. 2258 01:27:53,506 --> 01:27:56,376 LORNE: Uh, gentlemen, how long have you been standing there? 2259 01:27:56,843 --> 01:27:57,944 Long enough. 2260 01:27:58,111 --> 01:27:59,245 Lorne, we need to let the audience in. 2261 01:27:59,713 --> 01:28:00,747 No, you don't. 2262 01:28:03,717 --> 01:28:06,219 Perhaps you kids aren't quite ready for prime time. 2263 01:28:06,386 --> 01:28:07,721 What are you talking about? 2264 01:28:08,540 --> 01:28:09,222 Look around, Lorne. 2265 01:28:10,230 --> 01:28:11,558 You haven't locked a script. 2266 01:28:12,125 --> 01:28:13,126 Your actors are missing. 2267 01:28:13,293 --> 01:28:14,627 Your crew is... 2268 01:28:15,280 --> 01:28:16,529 in open rebellion. 2269 01:28:20,934 --> 01:28:22,869 They'd be laughing at you in Burbank. 2270 01:28:24,304 --> 01:28:26,406 Burbank? Excuse me? This is New York ****ing City. 2271 01:28:26,573 --> 01:28:27,574 Who's she? 2272 01:28:27,741 --> 01:28:28,875 - She... It's... - It's... I... 2273 01:28:29,420 --> 01:28:31,578 It's complicated. We have a hell of a show. 2274 01:28:31,745 --> 01:28:33,113 We have two bands. 2275 01:28:33,279 --> 01:28:35,315 We have seven of the brightest comedy minds alive. 2276 01:28:35,482 --> 01:28:36,916 You even know where they are? 2277 01:28:37,830 --> 01:28:38,485 Most of them. Yes. 2278 01:28:39,119 --> 01:28:41,755 Maybe we'll just try again next Saturday. 2279 01:28:41,921 --> 01:28:43,456 No. No, no, no. Don't do that. Come on. No. 2280 01:28:43,623 --> 01:28:45,892 Everybody in this room has been killing themselves... 2281 01:28:46,590 --> 01:28:47,394 - to make something special. - I know. 2282 01:28:47,560 --> 01:28:48,895 To make something innovative and actually good... 2283 01:28:49,620 --> 01:28:50,330 - for a change. -"For a change"? 2284 01:28:50,497 --> 01:28:51,898 Don't tell me that you've been doing this so long... 2285 01:28:52,650 --> 01:28:54,934 that you can't even recognize the potential for greatness... 2286 01:28:55,101 --> 01:28:56,836 when it's right in front of your face. 2287 01:28:58,438 --> 01:29:01,241 Do you even know what this show is? Tell me. 2288 01:29:07,247 --> 01:29:09,449 [INHALES DEEPLY] 2289 01:29:11,284 --> 01:29:12,786 It's an all-nighter in the city. 2290 01:29:14,354 --> 01:29:17,290 It's catching Richard Pryor at a drop-in... 2291 01:29:17,457 --> 01:29:20,827 or finding Paul Simon strumming in the back of a dive bar. 2292 01:29:20,994 --> 01:29:23,196 It's meeting a girl outside of a bodega... 2293 01:29:23,363 --> 01:29:25,331 and getting lucky in a phone booth. 2294 01:29:26,433 --> 01:29:27,834 It's everything you think is going to happen 2295 01:29:27,834 --> 01:29:29,803 when you move to the city. That's our show. 2296 01:29:30,270 --> 01:29:31,604 That's Saturday Night. 2297 01:29:31,771 --> 01:29:32,772 TEBET: Show me. 2298 01:29:33,206 --> 01:29:34,207 Show you what? 2299 01:29:34,374 --> 01:29:35,809 Show me Saturday Night. 2300 01:29:35,809 --> 01:29:36,976 We go live in less than 10 minutes. 2301 01:29:36,976 --> 01:29:38,440 10 minutes! 2302 01:29:38,440 --> 01:29:39,512 No, you don't! 2303 01:29:42,150 --> 01:29:43,149 Show me. 2304 01:29:51,991 --> 01:29:55,362 [MUSIC PLAYING] 2305 01:29:55,362 --> 01:29:59,332 ♪ Mr. Trouble Never hangs around ♪ 2306 01:29:59,499 --> 01:30:03,703 ♪ When he hears This Mighty sound ♪ 2307 01:30:03,870 --> 01:30:06,906 ♪ Here I come to save the day ♪ 2308 01:30:07,730 --> 01:30:10,910 ♪ That means that Mighty Mouse Is on the way ♪ 2309 01:30:11,344 --> 01:30:14,881 ♪ So, though we are In danger, we never despair ♪ 2310 01:30:15,480 --> 01:30:16,750 ♪ 'Cause we know That where there's danger ♪ 2311 01:30:16,916 --> 01:30:18,752 - ♪ He is there ♪ - ♪ He is there ♪ 2312 01:30:18,918 --> 01:30:19,919 ♪ On the land ♪ 2313 01:30:20,860 --> 01:30:23,189 ♪ On the sea, in the air ♪ 2314 01:30:23,356 --> 01:30:27,270 ♪ We're not worrying at all ♪ 2315 01:30:27,193 --> 01:30:30,730 ♪ We're just listening For his call ♪ 2316 01:30:31,164 --> 01:30:34,434 ♪ Here I come to save the day ♪ 2317 01:30:34,901 --> 01:30:38,400 ♪ That means that Mighty Mouse Is on the way ♪ 2318 01:30:38,400 --> 01:30:40,730 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 2319 01:30:44,611 --> 01:30:47,800 Andy, you're a genius. Now save your voice. 2320 01:30:47,800 --> 01:30:48,381 [DRUM ROLL] 2321 01:30:49,416 --> 01:30:50,617 Pull up Weekend Update. 2322 01:30:50,784 --> 01:30:53,219 JOE: We're movin' to Weekend Update, let's go! 2323 01:30:53,720 --> 01:30:55,550 - Hey. - You take it. 2324 01:30:55,689 --> 01:30:57,123 - What do you mean? - The show needs a face. 2325 01:30:57,290 --> 01:30:58,291 Are you sure? 2326 01:30:58,692 --> 01:31:00,694 You were born for this. Trust me. 2327 01:31:01,461 --> 01:31:02,962 Should I make up a name for the news anchor? 2328 01:31:03,129 --> 01:31:05,198 LORNE: Use Chevy Chase. No one will believe it. 2329 01:31:08,340 --> 01:31:10,103 Hey, remember this. When you... 2330 01:31:10,270 --> 01:31:11,638 look into the lens... 2331 01:31:11,805 --> 01:31:13,907 you're making eye contact with America. 2332 01:31:15,208 --> 01:31:16,643 DON: And now... 2333 01:31:16,810 --> 01:31:19,579 Weekend Update with Chevy Chase! 2334 01:31:27,287 --> 01:31:28,288 Hey, doll. 2335 01:31:28,788 --> 01:31:29,789 What are you wearing? 2336 01:31:29,789 --> 01:31:31,257 [PEOPLE CHUCKLING] 2337 01:31:31,257 --> 01:31:32,892 Is that why I hear purring? 2338 01:31:32,892 --> 01:31:34,227 [LAUGHTER] 2339 01:31:34,227 --> 01:31:35,595 What do you got for me? 2340 01:31:35,762 --> 01:31:36,763 It's my favorite. 2341 01:31:39,165 --> 01:31:40,166 Okay, great. 2342 01:31:42,268 --> 01:31:43,269 Good... [CLEARS THROAT] 2343 01:31:43,436 --> 01:31:45,138 Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase. 2344 01:31:45,472 --> 01:31:46,573 The Post Office announced today... 2345 01:31:46,740 --> 01:31:49,275 that it's going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution... 2346 01:31:49,442 --> 01:31:50,643 in the United States. 2347 01:31:50,810 --> 01:31:51,811 It's a 10-cent stamp... 2348 01:31:52,112 --> 01:31:54,140 but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter. 2349 01:31:54,514 --> 01:31:55,515 [LAUGHTER] 2350 01:31:56,750 --> 01:31:57,951 [CHEERING] 2351 01:31:58,952 --> 01:32:00,920 All right, everyone. Eight minutes till showtime! 2352 01:32:00,920 --> 01:32:02,255 [BELL RINGING] 2353 01:32:02,989 --> 01:32:03,990 Open the doors! 2354 01:32:04,157 --> 01:32:05,158 Oh, thank God. 2355 01:32:06,159 --> 01:32:08,428 Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Preston. 2356 01:32:09,129 --> 01:32:10,930 [MUSIC PLAYING] 2357 01:32:10,930 --> 01:32:13,266 Right this way, folks. You're in for a real treat. 2358 01:32:13,967 --> 01:32:14,968 Yeah! 2359 01:32:18,605 --> 01:32:20,874 ♪ Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' ♪ 2360 01:32:22,275 --> 01:32:23,643 ♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪ 2361 01:32:23,943 --> 01:32:25,178 BARBARA: Lorne, remember Carl? 2362 01:32:25,345 --> 01:32:27,814 Carl? Ooh, Carl! Have you ever used one of these before? 2363 01:32:27,981 --> 01:32:29,490 Not-a once. 2364 01:32:29,215 --> 01:32:30,617 You'll pick it up in no time. 2365 01:32:31,451 --> 01:32:32,886 ♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪ 2366 01:32:33,286 --> 01:32:34,521 ♪ If you wanna be with me ♪ 2367 01:32:41,995 --> 01:32:43,663 Come on, guys. Grab a brick! 2368 01:32:44,300 --> 01:32:46,132 ♪ I'm not tryin' To be your hero ♪ 2369 01:32:47,467 --> 01:32:51,400 ♪ 'Cause that zero Is too cold for me, ha ♪ 2370 01:32:53,306 --> 01:32:55,410 ♪ I'm not tryin' To be your highness ♪ 2371 01:32:55,308 --> 01:32:56,509 Heard you needed pages. 2372 01:32:57,243 --> 01:32:58,478 Oh, thanks, Mike. 2373 01:33:04,840 --> 01:33:05,850 Oh, no. 2374 01:33:09,756 --> 01:33:11,925 ****, question. What is a "golden shower"? 2375 01:33:12,659 --> 01:33:15,395 - Oh. Uh... It's a yoga ritual... - Mmm... 2376 01:33:15,562 --> 01:33:16,663 ...in which practitioners... 2377 01:33:16,830 --> 01:33:20,533 greet the new day by allowing the golden rays of sun to... 2378 01:33:20,533 --> 01:33:21,935 - Shower. - Over their skin 2379 01:33:21,935 --> 01:33:23,360 - and warm their chakras. - Mmm. 2380 01:33:23,360 --> 01:33:24,604 - It's a California thing. - Mmm. 2381 01:33:24,604 --> 01:33:26,439 I've had at least 50 golden showers. 2382 01:33:26,906 --> 01:33:27,941 You heard him, Joan. 2383 01:33:27,941 --> 01:33:29,376 Sign the damn script. We're going to air. 2384 01:33:34,848 --> 01:33:37,170 ♪ Nothin' from nothin' Leaves nothin' ♪ 2385 01:33:38,685 --> 01:33:41,554 ♪ You gotta have somethin' If you wanna be with me ♪ 2386 01:33:44,900 --> 01:33:46,793 ♪ Don't you remember I told ya ♪ 2387 01:33:47,527 --> 01:33:49,629 ♪ That I'm a soldier On the war on poverty ♪ 2388 01:33:50,296 --> 01:33:52,699 Smith and Wesson K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum. 2389 01:33:52,866 --> 01:33:54,868 - Wallie, you son of a *****! - Hey, you asked. 2390 01:33:55,350 --> 01:33:56,970 Wallie, my man. You got something for me? 2391 01:33:57,904 --> 01:33:58,972 Yes, you do. 2392 01:33:59,472 --> 01:34:01,474 George, I wanted to apologize for how you were treated... 2393 01:34:01,474 --> 01:34:02,575 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 2394 01:34:03,376 --> 01:34:04,444 - Are you having a stroke? - [GROANING] 2395 01:34:04,444 --> 01:34:05,912 - You need more coke? - [GROANS] 2396 01:34:07,414 --> 01:34:08,415 Danny! 2397 01:34:17,123 --> 01:34:18,958 Hurry up. Come on, faster. 2398 01:34:19,759 --> 01:34:20,760 Watch your fingers. 2399 01:34:28,902 --> 01:34:30,336 Oh, boy. Lockjaw! 2400 01:34:30,904 --> 01:34:32,500 It's too much cocaine, 2401 01:34:32,500 --> 01:34:33,306 it's seizing up the old mandibulars. 2402 01:34:33,306 --> 01:34:35,141 Let's get some finger love in there, huh? 2403 01:34:35,308 --> 01:34:37,143 Yep. Just a little bit of this, you'll be fine. 2404 01:34:37,310 --> 01:34:38,478 - Okay, great. - There we go. 2405 01:34:39,346 --> 01:34:40,447 [ALL GIGGLING] 2406 01:34:40,447 --> 01:34:41,514 Hey! 2407 01:34:48,655 --> 01:34:49,856 Here we go! 2408 01:34:50,623 --> 01:34:51,791 ♪ Nothin' from nothin' ♪ 2409 01:34:53,827 --> 01:34:55,929 ♪ Nothin' from nothin Hey, now ♪ 2410 01:34:57,931 --> 01:34:59,990 ♪ Yeah ♪ 2411 01:34:59,990 --> 01:35:00,800 ♪ Ah, yeah, yeah ♪ 2412 01:35:00,800 --> 01:35:02,102 LORNE: Can you get in that wig in 30 seconds? 2413 01:35:02,102 --> 01:35:03,770 - DAN: You got it, boss. - Has Henson got his pages? 2414 01:35:03,770 --> 01:35:04,838 He loves them. 2415 01:35:04,838 --> 01:35:06,306 - And will that crane get there? - It'll happen. 2416 01:35:06,306 --> 01:35:08,375 - Did you trim the fat on that? - Already on cue cards. 2417 01:35:08,808 --> 01:35:10,677 Laraine, I don't think you can make the change in... 2418 01:35:10,677 --> 01:35:11,644 [RIPS] 2419 01:35:14,140 --> 01:35:15,215 - [MAN WHISTLES] - LORNE: Whoa. 2420 01:35:15,215 --> 01:35:16,449 I stand corrected. 2421 01:35:16,649 --> 01:35:17,851 Is that our show? 2422 01:35:18,385 --> 01:35:20,387 - That's our show. - JOE: Three minutes! 2423 01:35:20,787 --> 01:35:21,788 Yeah. 2424 01:35:24,991 --> 01:35:25,992 MAN: Last one. 2425 01:35:26,159 --> 01:35:29,290 - Last one. Get it in. Finally! - Yes! Come on! 2426 01:35:29,290 --> 01:35:31,131 [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] 2427 01:35:33,500 --> 01:35:36,970 Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Preston! 2428 01:35:36,970 --> 01:35:39,390 [ALL CHEERING] 2429 01:36:02,529 --> 01:36:05,198 Photo! Photo! I want a photo! Come on, family photo! 2430 01:36:05,198 --> 01:36:07,000 JOE: No, no, no. We're at two minutes. There's no time! 2431 01:36:07,000 --> 01:36:08,568 GILDA: No, come on. It'll never be the same 2432 01:36:08,568 --> 01:36:10,170 - after this. Come on. - JOE: ****! 2433 01:36:10,170 --> 01:36:12,672 I'm not leaving until I get my photo. Come on. 2434 01:36:12,839 --> 01:36:14,541 JOE: I guess everybody go ahead then. 2435 01:36:15,742 --> 01:36:17,110 Do we have a camera? 2436 01:36:19,450 --> 01:36:20,460 - I have a camera. - JOE: Just quickly. 2437 01:36:20,213 --> 01:36:21,581 GILDA: Great. Yes! Come here. 2438 01:36:30,123 --> 01:36:32,359 All right. 60 seconds. Come on, everyone. 2439 01:36:32,525 --> 01:36:34,427 - Let's go, please. - GARRETT: After you, after you. 2440 01:36:34,427 --> 01:36:35,628 JOE: One minute. Let's go to work. 2441 01:36:41,468 --> 01:36:42,969 LORNE: What are we using him for again? 2442 01:36:43,136 --> 01:36:45,380 - ROSIE: I don't really remember. - LORNE: Sorry. 2443 01:36:45,905 --> 01:36:46,906 Thanks. 2444 01:36:47,730 --> 01:36:49,442 - Mmm, mmm, mmm. - Rocky, wake up. 2445 01:36:49,709 --> 01:36:50,877 Hey, hey, name. 2446 01:36:52,879 --> 01:36:54,814 Rosie, we need your last name for the credits. 2447 01:36:55,815 --> 01:36:57,830 - Shuster. - Shuster. 2448 01:37:02,555 --> 01:37:04,257 30 seconds! 2449 01:37:04,424 --> 01:37:06,292 Hey, can we get a mic check, please? 2450 01:37:07,894 --> 01:37:09,629 MICHAEL: One, two... 2451 01:37:10,497 --> 01:37:11,498 three. 2452 01:37:11,664 --> 01:37:13,990 Somebody's got the yips. 2453 01:37:13,266 --> 01:37:14,667 - JOE: 20 seconds. - DAVE: Is Carlin in costume? 2454 01:37:14,968 --> 01:37:16,736 Yep, they settled on a T-shirt and jacket. 2455 01:37:16,903 --> 01:37:18,671 Mr. Carlin, may we get a mic check? 2456 01:37:18,838 --> 01:37:19,906 GEORGE: One, two, **** you. 2457 01:37:20,730 --> 01:37:21,740 Subtle. 2458 01:37:21,241 --> 01:37:22,442 Carson's still cued for dead roll? 2459 01:37:22,609 --> 01:37:23,843 Are we going live or going to tape? 2460 01:37:28,748 --> 01:37:30,517 Pre-roll on VTR-14. 2461 01:37:31,851 --> 01:37:32,852 JOE: 10 seconds. 2462 01:37:34,954 --> 01:37:36,122 DAVE: Ready camera two. 2463 01:37:36,589 --> 01:37:37,657 Ready on the fade. 2464 01:37:37,991 --> 01:37:39,159 JOE: Five, four... 2465 01:37:39,325 --> 01:37:40,927 Are we going live or going to tape? 2466 01:37:40,927 --> 01:37:42,328 JOE: ...three, two... 2467 01:37:43,930 --> 01:37:44,931 Go live. 2468 01:37:45,980 --> 01:37:46,499 - Okay, go live. - Go live. Live, live. Go live. 2469 01:37:46,666 --> 01:37:49,269 DAVE: Fade up. [CHUCKLES] And we are live. 2470 01:37:50,637 --> 01:37:51,671 [CHUCKLES WEAKLY] 2471 01:37:54,708 --> 01:37:56,309 Ready camera one. Take camera one. 2472 01:37:56,476 --> 01:37:57,477 BARBARA: Cue Belushi. 2473 01:38:00,513 --> 01:38:01,548 Cue John. 2474 01:38:01,715 --> 01:38:03,316 - Where's John? - AUDREY: Where the hell is he? 2475 01:38:03,483 --> 01:38:04,718 DAVE: Cue John. 2476 01:38:21,634 --> 01:38:23,690 [BREATH TREMBLING] 2477 01:38:24,370 --> 01:38:25,338 [DOOR OPENS] 2478 01:38:27,640 --> 01:38:28,641 [EXHALES] 2479 01:38:39,886 --> 01:38:40,887 Good evening. 2480 01:38:41,540 --> 01:38:42,550 JOHN: Good evening. 2481 01:38:42,589 --> 01:38:43,923 Hey, get closer. 2482 01:38:46,426 --> 01:38:48,428 Good evening. 2483 01:38:49,829 --> 01:38:52,980 Good evening. 2484 01:38:53,900 --> 01:38:56,200 Good evening. 2485 01:38:56,200 --> 01:38:57,704 [LAUGHTER] 2486 01:38:57,704 --> 01:38:58,838 MICHAEL: Let us begin. 2487 01:38:59,406 --> 01:39:01,441 Repeat after me. 2488 01:39:03,610 --> 01:39:05,612 -"I would like... - I would like... 2489 01:39:06,613 --> 01:39:08,140 "...to feed your fingertips... 2490 01:39:08,181 --> 01:39:10,250 JOHN: ...to feed your fingertips... 2491 01:39:11,584 --> 01:39:12,619 "...to the wolverines." 2492 01:39:12,786 --> 01:39:14,254 ...to the wolverines. 2493 01:39:15,722 --> 01:39:18,858 - MICHAEL: Next, "I am afraid... - I am afraid... 2494 01:39:19,392 --> 01:39:20,393 "...we are out... 2495 01:39:20,560 --> 01:39:21,561 ...we are out... 2496 01:39:22,128 --> 01:39:24,300 -"...of badgers." - ...of badgers. 2497 01:39:24,300 --> 01:39:25,598 [LAUGHTER] 2498 01:39:25,598 --> 01:39:26,700 MICHAEL: "Would you accept... 2499 01:39:27,300 --> 01:39:28,568 JOHN: Would you accept... 2500 01:39:28,735 --> 01:39:30,603 - MICHAEL: "...a wolverine... - ...a wolverine... 2501 01:39:31,738 --> 01:39:33,740 -"...in its place?" - ...in its place? 2502 01:39:33,740 --> 01:39:34,974 [LAUGHTER] 2503 01:39:36,109 --> 01:39:38,244 MICHAEL: Next. "'Hey!' Ned exclaimed." 2504 01:39:38,745 --> 01:39:40,113 "Hey!" Ned exclaimed. 2505 01:39:40,113 --> 01:39:41,381 [LAUGHTER] 2506 01:39:43,416 --> 01:39:44,451 MICHAEL: "Let's boil... 2507 01:39:44,617 --> 01:39:46,860 JOHN: Let's boil... 2508 01:39:46,252 --> 01:39:48,722 -"...the wolverines." - ...the wolverines. 2509 01:39:50,156 --> 01:39:51,725 Next... [GASPS] 2510 01:39:54,728 --> 01:39:55,729 [THUD] 2511 01:40:01,167 --> 01:40:02,100 [GASPS] 2512 01:40:02,502 --> 01:40:04,504 [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] 2513 01:40:21,788 --> 01:40:24,524 Live from New York. It's Saturday Night! 2514 01:40:24,524 --> 01:40:26,493 [CHEERING] 2515 01:40:26,626 --> 01:40:28,628 [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] 2516 01:47:57,477 --> 01:47:58,812 BILLY: Ah! 2517 01:47:58,812 --> 01:48:00,113 All right, we're going to do it again. 2518 01:48:00,280 --> 01:48:02,782 Now we got it. Now we got it. Go back. Go back.