(SPOOKY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
(AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING)
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: (SINGING) There's no bell
When you call for me
You'll be falling for miles
(SPOOKY LAUGHTER ON ALARM)
I'm bewitched by your misery
Let me know what you want from me
Whisper "love" in my ears
Before you try to get your hooks in me
I should warn you, my dear
My heart is a haunted house
Once you're in, you ain't getting out
It's the trap you've been waiting for
Ain't no windows, ain't no doors
No escaping the way you feel
It's like a dream, but you hope it's real
My, my, my heart
- M-m-m-my heart is a haunted - CHOIR: Haunted house
(WOMAN WHIMPERS)
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: M-m-m-my heart is a haunted
- CHOIR: Haunted house - (VILLAGERS GASPING)
(VILLAGERS GRUMBLING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PLAYING WEDDING MARCH)
(ALL EXCLAIM)
My love.
Cara mia.
(GASPS) The ring! The ring! Oh, no! No, no, no!
Oh, Thing! Best hand always has the ring!
PRIEST: Dearly be-loathed,
it is indeed a rare privilege to see our family
gathered together for this Addams tradition.
To commence this ceremony
and deliver these two
into the yawning void of matrimony,
we put the lime in the coconut and drink them both up.
(SLURPING)
(GUESTS GULPING)
(SOBBING)
(SUCKING)
I now pronounce you...
VILLAGER 1: Monsters! VILLAGER 2: Freaks!
VILLAGER 3: Get out, Addams!
VILLAGER 4: You've been here long enough!
VILLAGER 5: We've had enough of your kind!
Addams aren't wanted here!
VILLAGER 6: Leave already!
(QUICKLY) I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Quick, put the lime in the coconut
and drink 'em both up!
Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
VILLAGER 7: This is our home!
VILLAGER 8: You're not wanted!
VILLAGER 9: We don't want you here!
Everyone, to the bridge!
(ALL GASP)
Fire!
VILLAGER: Fire!
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
(FESTER YELLING)
(ALL YELLING)
(VILLAGERS GASPING)
You two love bats better fly out of here!
I'll hold them off!
Mazurka! (SCREAMS)
(VILLAGERS WHIMPERING)
(GRANDMA ULULATING)
Grab onto my hairy hump!
(FESTER GRUNTING)
I think I can see my house from here. (ECHOING)
Oh, no. That's a women's prison.
Oh, Gomez, why do hordes of angry villagers
follow us everywhere we go?
We are safe, my love, that is all that matters.
I want to find a new home
that is shrouded from the world.
Someplace that is truly us.
Yes! Somewhere horrible! Somewhere corrupt!
Somewhere that no one in their right mind
would be caught dead in!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
GOMEZ: Unhappy, darling?
MORTICIA: Yes, completely.
Oh, Gomez, you have torn down my walls
and stabbed your name onto my heart.
GOMEZ: My wan temptress,
your hand is as cold as a dead fish.
My love, that is a dead fish.
Mmm, mmm...
So it is.
Darling,
is that a wrinkle I see on your pallid brow?
What's wrong?
We can't run forever, my love.
I want a home again.
I want our children to grow up in peace.
I want to pick out cemetery plots.
Morticia, I swear on my life I will find us a new home.
And your every wish shall be granted.
Mon amour.
(GASPS) French. You know what that does to me. (GROWLS)
MALE SINGER ON RADIO: (SINGING) Wild thing
You make my heart...
(TIRES SCREECHING)
- (MORTICIA GASPS) - BOTH: We hit something!
- Is he all right? - (MAN MOANS)
No, he seems perfectly demented.
"State Hospital for the Criminally Insane."
Gomez.
GOMEZ: That must be the asylum.
MORTICIA: Oh, thank goodness.
A decent place to sleep for the night.
(MOANING AND ROARING)
Hmm?
Thank you, old boy. Lead the way.
(GROANS)
GOMEZ: It's quiet. Too quiet.
MORTICIA: Must be the off-season.
(DOOR CREAKS, SLAMS)
GOMEZ: Hello?
(RATS SQUEAKING)
There's no one here.
Could it be abandoned?
GOMEZ: It's creepy. Kooky.
MORTICIA: Mysterious. Spooky.
(ORGAN PLAYING OMINOUS MUSIC)
- (STOPS PLAYING) - Huh?
(PLAYS BEETHOVEN'S 5th SYMPHONY)
(PLAYS BACH'S TOCCATA AND FUGUE)
(PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)
(PLAYS HALLELUJAH CHORUS)
(PLAYS CLASSICAL TUNE)
(PLAYS FANFARE)
(PLAYING ASCENDING SCALE)
(CONTINUES PLAYING)
- (PLAYING ADDAMS FAMILY THEME) - (SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(RUMBLING)
SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!
It's hideous.
It's horrible.
BOTH: It's home.
(RESUMES PLAYING ADDAMS FAMILY THEME)
(RHYTHMIC THUNDERCLAP)
(ROMANTIC FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(KITTY ROARS)
(THUNDERCLAP)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(BABY COOING)
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
(THUNDERCLAP)
(UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGERS EXCLAIMING)
(WOMAN SHRIEKS)
(WIND HOWLING)
(BAT SQUEAKS)
What a lovely morning!
(SLAMS)
Nice try.
SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!
Oh, you're always so grumpy before your morning coffee.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
Better?
(SLURPING)
(SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE EXHALES)
(ALARM BLARING)
(MOANS FRUSTRATEDLY)
MORTICIA: (ON SPEAKERS) Lurch,
it's time for breakfast.
(MOANING)
MORTICIA: Thing.
Have Ichabod wake the children.
Lurch, would you mind dusting the house?
LURCH: Mmm.
Slowly, Cleopatra.
I wouldn't want my favorite African Strangler to choke.
(LURCH MOANS)
(VACUUM WHIRRING)
(SNORING)
(GASPS, SCREAMS)
WEDNESDAY: (SIGHS) All right, Ichabod. I'm awake.
Not for long. (GRUNTS)
Real mature, Pugsley.
Oh, please.
You never threw an axe when you were my age?
Of course I did. I never missed.
How I wish something would liven up
this already tedious day.
(YELPS)
(GRUNTS)
Thanks for trying, Ichabod.
(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)
(RINGING)
Hmm.
(GATE THUDDING)
- (GATE CREAKING) - (GASPS)
(RAVENS CAWING)
GOMEZ: Pugsley?
Pugsley! It's time for sword practice.
Pugsley!
PUGSLEY: Let the games begin.
(CHUCKLES WICKEDLY)
(EXPLOSION)
(RUMBLING)
(BEEPS)
Here's Pugsley!
(DETONATOR BEEPS)
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
(GRUNTS)
GOMEZ: All right, son. That's enough.
(SIGHS) They blow up so fast these days.
(WIND WHISTLING)
(RAPID BEEPING)
Don't make me come up there!
(RAPID BEEPING)
This is your last warning!
(PARACHUTE TEARS)
(CRASHES)
(GROANING)
My head. Ow, ow, ow.
Pugsley, we're supposed to be working on your swordplay.
Your Sabre Mazurka is two weeks away,
and you've barely practiced at all.
So I missed one practice. What's the big deal?
The big deal?
The Sabre Mazurka is the most important day
in a young man's life.
It's what makes you an Addams.
It's the day your entire family gathers around you
and passes judgment on your worth as a human being.
I hear it's like Thanksgiving.
But swords are so old-fashioned.
I'm more of a demolitions man.
Explosives have no place in a Mazurka. Hand them over.
- All of them. - (METAL CLATTERING)
And the TNT.
- And the M-80s. - (CLATTERING CONTINUES)
Roman candles. Bang snaps. Holy Hand Grenades.
- (SQUEAKING) - (ROOSTER CROWS)
Son, our family hasn't been all together in 13 years.
They are coming from all over the world
to see you on your special day.
I just want it to go perfectly.
All right, Pop. I'll practice.
That's my boy.
(METAL CLATTERS, BEEPING)
(RAPID BEEPING)
MORTICIA: (SNIFFS) Putrid.
Mmm. Horrifying.
I call spleen.
Mmm...
- Ah, ow... - MORTICIA: Wednesday.
Please, no ink stains on the table.
- Yes, Mother. - (PUGSLEY MUMBLES)
(THUD)
Gomez, everyone we've invited
to the Mazurka has threatened to come.
I know. Isn't it wonderful?
(SIGHS)
All Addamses under one roof again.
Yes, but where will everyone sleep?
We'll have Lurch fix up the mausoleum.
It'll be like sleepaway camp.
(EXPLOSIVE BEEPING)
- Very well, darling. - (RAPID BEEPING)
- (EXPLOSION) - (FESTER SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
BOTH: Uncle Fester!
Brother!
(GROANING)
Don't worry, I'm okay.
The plate glass window broke my fall.
Ha! Ha!
BOTH: (SINGING) Rick'em, rack'em, roar'em, buzz
Addams is as Addams does
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
- I am thrilled you're here! - (GRUNTS)
(FESTER CHUCKLES)
I'm not late, am I?
Actually, we weren't expecting you for another two weeks.
Huh. So, not late.
I apologize, darling.
You see, I asked Fester to come early
to help Pugsley with his Mazurka practice.
Hey! (GRUNTING)
No! No!
(MUFFLED) Bad Kitty! That's a bad Kitty!
If I'd known you were coming,
I would have prepared the dungeon.
Please, don't worry. I'll sleep in the attic.
You won't even know I'm here.
I've practiced that move in a lot of people's homes.
- (CHUCKLES EXCITEDLY) - WEDNESDAY: Uncle,
can you tell us what's beyond the gate?
- (TRAY CLATTERS) - (LURCH GROANS)
Why ever would you ask that, dear?
I heard a strange noise in the fog earlier,
and I should like to investigate.
There's nothing out there but boring marshland.
There must be something. We never go anywhere.
Who knows the untold horrors we're missing out on.
MORTICIA: Darling, we have all the horror
we need, right here.
Uncle Fester can go wherever he likes.
Now, now, there are some restrictions.
You know, I can't go to the mall,
or a zoo, or a building...
When you're older,
you can travel to your heart's content.
But for now, it's safer for you here.
(SIGHS)
Socrates, come.
FESTER: ...South America, Europe, China,
Asia, most parts of Africa.
I'm allowed in Antarctica!
(TV CLICKS)
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER: You're watching
Home, Art and Garden television.
The world's a big place, full of poor souls
who don't know the difference between shiplap and Shinola.
Well, I'm here to help.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
I take your uninspired living space
and turn it into the perfect palace of your dreams.
No matter how outdated your design sense, I can help you.
My only flaw?
Sometimes I care too much.
(LAUGHS)
I'm Margaux Needler,
and I'm about to stage a Design Intervention!
You're welcome in advance.
Today, we're putting the finishing touches
on our biggest project yet.
Assimilation.
We didn't just make over a house.
We made over a whole town!
And in just two weeks, on our live season finale,
you will be able to buy
your very own piece of Assimilation.
That's right!
In a Design Intervention first,
we are putting a whole neighborhood up for sale.
This will be your chance to purchase
the house of your dreams
in the town of your dreams!
Sounds good? I thought so.
Welcome to Assimilation, neighbor.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: This program brought to you
by Neighborhood Peeps.
Your neighbors are watching!
GLENN: And, we're out!
Love it. Perfect.
Let's set up for the walk-through.
Margaux, did that feel good to you?
No, Glenn.
We need more balloons, more confetti.
- Roger that. - What are we selling here?
Big dreams. You know how you get big dreams?
- Uh... - With big ratings.
- Got it. - Double the balloons.
And I want a blizzard of confetti.
I want so much confetti that we need
snow patrols to find lost children.
I bet my home improvement empire on this town.
Every house must sell
or we're out of business!
- It's got to be perfect! - PARKER: Mom!
You're never gonna believe this.
What is it, Parker?
I found a creepy mansion up on the hill!
I'm so glad you're exploring, Parker,
but I don't have time to talk right now, sweetheart.
Mama needs to help people.
I need help. Aren't I people?
MARGAUX: (CHUCKLES) Oh, you're cute.
Don't you have Chipper 'N' Cheer practice this afternoon?
Run along, honey.
Now, Glenn, what are the numbers we're expecting?
- Well, if you look here... - Mom!
(GLENN CONTINUES TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Ugh!
(KIDS CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)
- (PUGSLEY STRAINING) - (WOOD CREAKING)
PUGSLEY: Left a bit. Up a bit.
Now, down a bit.
- (SNICKERS) Perfect. - (LURCH GROANS)
And three, two, one...
- (AIR HORN BLARING) - (GASPS)
(GROANS)
You made me miss!
Do you know how long it took for me to set this up?
Look, Pugsley...
Your Mazurka's coming up, and, well, you're not ready.
Even if I am the only one who sees it.
So, pay attention,
and you might actually get through this.
PUGSLEY: Wait.
You're going to help me?
Why?
Because you are my brother.
And... (ECHOES) I love you.
(FOREBODING MUSIC BUILDS UP)
All right. How are you gonna help me?
You see that hole over there?
Go stand beside it.
Uh... That hole?
That hole.
PUGSLEY: Mmm... I don't get it.
(WIND BLOWING)
PUGSLEY: Whoa.
- (SHOVEL CLANGS) - (BODY THUDS)
Darling, not to criticize, (GRUNTS)
but is that really as tight as you can make it?
(SIGHS) I'm sorry, Gomez.
I'm just a bit preoccupied with the Mazurka preparations.
- Oh, I am as well! (EXCLAIMS) - (CLAMP CREAKING)
I fear Pugsley is overconfident
and doesn't truly understand
the importance of this tradition.
Good news, everybody. Pugsley's gone.
MORTICIA: Wednesday, I know that tone of voice.
Dig up your brother. At once.
(SIGHS) You're weakening the gene pool.
MORTICIA: Hold on.
What do you have there?
I'm not sure. I like it.
It's so... What's the word? The opposite of sad?
Darling, bring that to me.
Strange, there's usually a murderous clown
attached to the other end of these.
(GASPS) Wednesday, don't move!
What, in the name of all that is unholy, is that?
(SMACKS LIPS) It tastes like cotton candy.
How do you know what cotton candy tastes like?
Tish, it was my youth. I made mistakes.
Wednesday, wherever did this pink thing come from?
WEDNESDAY: Outside.
They're everywhere.
(DOOR OPENS)
FESTER: Strangest weather system I've ever seen.
(PUGSLEY SNARLING)
What is that? Where's it coming from?
GOMEZ: Wait, wait, wait.
The fog, it's lifting.
Well, that would only happen if...
Someone drained the marsh. But who?
MORTICIA: A town. This is not good.
We must go down there
and introduce ourselves at once.
This day is becoming most wonderfully disruptive.
(PLAYING LIVELY TUNE)
GLENN: Let's keep going with the run-through, okay?
MARGAUX: Welcome back.
I'm so delighted to show you my house.
You can own one just like it, just less large.
Blah, blah, blah. Sconces, crown molding.
Which leads us to what I call the Salon de Grandé.
Cross here, turn, and then say something like,
"Now, before I show you this view,
"go to an antique store,
"buy a chair, and reupholster it.
"'Cause you're gonna wanna sit down for this."
What? What's the matter?
For heaven's sake, what's going on?
Do I have something in my teeth? What is it?
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CAR HORN HONKS)
MORTICIA: Not a single gargoyle.
GOMEZ: Maybe this isn't such a bad thing.
We have been isolated here for a while.
FESTER: I could really see myself dying here.
Play nice, Kitty.
- (KITTY ROARS) - (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Well, no one is running at us
with torches and pitchforks, so that's a plus.
You know, darling, I don't think we'll need
to put the family in the mausoleum.
They can stay here!
The family would never be comfortable.
It will be years
- before rust and decay set in. - (WOMAN GASPS)
How you doing?
It's all so... different.
Pugsley, don't drink it all.
This gentleman wants some, too.
- (WHIMPERS SOFTLY) - GOMEZ: Sir, it's all right.
- He's had all his shots! - (MAN YELPS)
What a nervous man.
Come on, Tish, let's explore the neighborhood.
I'm gonna pop in here for two minutes
and I'll meet you in the town square. Agreed?
- (DOOR BELL JINGLES) - Good day, all.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
Don't let me interrupt your cup of joe
or whoever you have in there.
So, what's dark and bitter here other than yours truly?
(NERVOUSLY) We have the Madagascar Emerald Peaberry,
in a summer patchouli roast.
It has notes of oak, cherry, and yoga.
Hmm. You know, I'm looking for something a bit stronger.
Ah! Let me try that.
(CRUNCHING)
Mmm! Morticia, you have to try these coffee grounds.
They have a wonderful grit!
Just a moment, what am I hearing?
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) This is where we all belong, yeah
Everybody come together
Sing our song, sing our song
Life is really perfect We are one big family, yeah
Everything is so much better
When I'm like you and you're like me
What's so great about being yourself
When you can be like everyone else?
Wow, that is absolutely horrible!
It's easy to be happy when you have no choice
Yes, it's easy to be happy when you have no choice
Hold on, unless I miss my guess here,
I believe that is supposed to be music.
They're greeting us with
one of their traditional songs.
Well, then, we ought to do the same.
Wonderful idea, Fester.
Isn't it great when we are all together?
Say it again until you believe it
- I believe it - (ALL GRUNTING)
We believe it
(BLOWS PIPE)
- (MUSIC STOPS) - (PEOPLE EXCLAIM)
(SINGING) I'd tip my hat to you
I'd do just that (SCATTING)
Take it right off for you, But I haven't got a hat
(SCATTING)
I'm just a college boy, even at that
(SCATTING)
I'd tip my hat to you But I haven't got a hat
- (SCATTING) - (BATS SCREECHING)
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
What? What'd I do?
How rude.
Gomez, we should return home.
Morticia, this is not the old country.
True, these people are a little different.
But deep down, we're all the same.
- (MAN SCREAMING) - (KITTY ROARS)
We have to give them a chance. Get to know them.
We have to win them over.
- "Win them over"? - (BRAKES SQUEAL)
Well, good morning, neighbor!
Margaux Needler.
Gomez Addams. At your service.
My wife, Morticia.
Charmed.
GOMEZ: Our children, Wednesday, Pugsley.
And my brother, Fester.
- Hey, neighbor! - (MARGAUX GASPS)
You know, we can see right into your windows?
(NERVOUSLY) Nice to, uh, meet you.
As your neighbor, I'd like to offer you
the opportunity of a lifetime.
How'd you like a free home makeover
from a world-renowned interior designer?
It will be a challenge,
but I can beautify that old house of yours so fast,
it'll make your head spin.
I don't wanna brag,
but mine already does that. Look.
- (NECK CRACKING) - (CHUCKLES)
I should like to see what this plastic woman has to offer.
Yes, well... When is a good time to stop by?
- Actually, Ms. Needler... - (CLEARS THROAT)
Darling...
Stop by anytime you'd like.
Oh, wonderful! Then it's settled.
I'll see you at your house, first thing tomorrow.
You're welcome in advance! Ta!
- (TIRES SCREECH) - (GLENN GASPS)
That woman seems deranged.
Her face reminds me of a death mask.
"Deranged"? "Death mask"?
You tell me she's got halitosis,
and I'm hearing wedding bells!
(RAVEN CROWING)
(PLAYS CEREMONIAL MUSIC)
GOMEZ: Pugsley, this is the Addams family saber.
300 years of Addams
have danced the Mazurka with this blade.
Uh-uh.
Only when you've shown me you're ready.
Your father was the greatest swordsman in Addams history.
His Mazurka was the stuff of legends.
So no pressure!
It's all right here, in the Mazurka handbook.
Every Addams performs this rite of passage
to show that you're prepared to defend your family.
It sounds easy, but believe me, it's insane!
Fester, hand him
the goo-goo-ga-ga baby training sword.
- (SWORD SQUEAKS) - Pop?
Has anyone ever failed the Mazurka?
Once. Your third cousin, Xander.
Never heard of him.
Exactly.
Music!
(GONG CRASHES)
There's someone at the door.
Hi, guys. I'm going up to this creepy mansion.
If you don't hear from me in 30 minutes, send backup.
(DOOR CREAKS)
(SLURRING) You rang?
Yeah, no.
Life's too short. See ya!
(GROWLING SOFTLY)
MARGAUX: Oh!
GOMEZ: (CHUCKLES) Good morning, Kitty.
Greetings, Ms. Needler.
(DOOR SLAMS)
Wow. (CLEARS THROAT)
Good morning! I hope this isn't a bad time.
The worst. Do come in.
Glenn?
- (ROARS) - (GLENN SHRIEKS)
- (PANTING) - (MARGAUX CLEARS THROAT)
Welcome to the neighborhood.
Thank you.
Oh, my! Hmm.
Are you ready for your Margaux makeover?
Quite.
Pugsley's been climbing the walls in anticipation.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
MARGAUX: Well, well, well!
Let's take a look around, shall we?
And before you say anything, you're welcome.
Now, if we're trying for a more contemporary look,
well, these sconces have to go.
(MITCH YELPS)
The sconces were a gift from dead relatives.
If we get rid of them,
they'll be terribly hurt the next time they visit.
And this is our whine cellar.
We have a lovely collection of whines.
WHINER 1: Are we there yet? WHINER 2: I want ice cream!
WHINER 3: What do you mean you're out of avocado toast?
WHINER 4: This barrel makes me look fat.
And here's our bottomless pit.
(HOLLOW RUMBLING)
DENISE: Uh... How do we get across?
One moment.
(CHITTERING)
We call this surfing the web.
(DENISE GULPS)
MARGAUX: Well! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
DENISE: I'm scared.
- I'm so scared. - (GLENN WHIMPERING)
- Oh, my gosh. - (DENISE PRAYING IN SPANISH)
DENISE: I'm scared to close my eyes.
I'm scared to open them.
(SCREAMING)
- (WHIMPERING) - (DENISE YELPS)
(SOBS)
(ROPE CREAKING)
(SIGHS)
(GASPS)
How do all those people fit in that little contraption?
(PARKER YELPS)
My vanity mirror only imprisons 14 souls at a time.
(PARKER WHIMPERS)
Uh, you don't have a cell phone?
That's weird.
I may not have a cell phone...
Well, you don't have a crossbow,
and I thought everybody had one of those.
Mmm.
My name is Wednesday.
Okay.
Uh, I'm Parker. How long have you lived here?
My whole life. Which seems endless.
PARKER: I've never seen you at school.
I'm cage-schooled.
- Excuse me? - It's terribly dull,
but my mother insists.
(SKIN SQUEAKS)
I'm actually cutting cage right now.
(PUGSLEY SNARLING)
Uh, okay.
So, what happens at your school?
Uh, not much, just friends turning on each other.
Girls making other girls feel bad about themselves.
Typical junior high stuff.
WEDNESDAY: Intriguing.
Can anyone go to your school?
I guess so. But who'd want to?
FESTER: Wednesday!
Great shot!
(CAMERA CLICKS)
(GIBBERISH CHANTING)
(MARGAUX SCREAMS)
(SCREECHING)
(MARGAUX PANTING)
Mr. and Mrs. Addams, there's really not much to do
to make this place perfect.
All we have to do is pull down the side walls,
and then also break down the other two walls.
(MOANS)
Open up the ceiling by breaking it irreversibly.
Just get this nasty little floor out of the way,
and there you go. With just those little touches...
Stop! Right there!
Don't touch another thing!
It's perfect. Ms. Needler, you have a gift.
The good news is I can have a makeover crew up here
and swinging hammers first thing in the morning.
What do you say?
We thought you were finished.
Our whole family is coming in two weeks.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Our finale!
(NORMAL TONE) Our finale is in two weeks.
Thank you, Glenn.
It's a gracious offer, Ms. Needler,
but you really have done enough.
It's our son's Mazurka. You understand.
Thank you.
(LURCH MOANS)
Uh, we're missing Mitch.
Where's Mitch?
SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!
- Mitch who? - (BOTH SCREAMING)
(GLENN WAILING)
Gomez, I'll be blunt.
I have 50 houses to sell down there,
and their view of your property is, well, off-brand.
- Fifty houses? - Yes.
You know, ever since my family
was chased out from the old country,
my one dream has been
to find a place we could call home.
Once they see Assimilation,
(GASPS) I think they'll want to stay for good.
(MARGAUX EXCLAIMS)
Thank you so much for coming by, Membrane.
It's Margaux!
Well then, run, Margaux!
- (GATE CREAKS) - Run, run, run!
(GATE BELCHES)
That Wednesday girl is a freak.
We're about to be invaded by a whole army of freaks.
It's tragic when people can't accept
the help they so badly need.
And when that happens,
well, another kind of intervention is called for.
MORTICIA: I agree, Gomez.
The whole family moving here would be a dream come true.
But I don't trust that Margaux woman.
She's an eccentric, darling, give her a chance.
"Rasp-berry preserves."
(SNIFFS) Mmm.
Must be some kind of scented embalming fluid.
(GASPS)
Wednesday, practice your lurking
on someone other than your father.
He's too easy.
Much better.
Mother, Father, I'd like to speak with you.
What's on your mind, my little nightcrawler?
I spoke with Parker this afternoon.
She's the daughter of that talking mannequin
who came by.
She told me about a communal school
all the neighborhood children attend.
It's called "junior high."
"Junior high"...
Yes, yes, I have read about those
in my abnormal psychology journals.
Anyone of age can enroll.
I think it would be good for me.
Well, I think it's a capital idea.
What of your studies here?
Your taxidermy is coming along so well.
Mother, would you really deprive me
of the opportunity to torment children my own age?
Ah, she makes a point.
What's more, with Wednesday in school,
we'd get to know the people here even better.
Well, Mother?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(KIDS EXCLAIMING)
Have a good day at school, dear.
Do your worst!
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
Ah. Now I understand. This is a children's prison.
TWINS: Who's that?
PARKER: Great.
This is Wednesday.
Hello.
- (TWINS GASP) - BETHANY: Hey, Parker.
(PARKER GASPS)
I got something for ya.
(CHUCKLES)
A moldy sandwich?
You're slipping, Bethany.
You know what? You're right.
- (BOY GRUNTING) - Let's kick it up a notch.
(GIRLS GASP, GIGGLE)
(BETHANY LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
You have no sense of humor!
(GIRLS GIGGLE)
GIRL: Did you see her face? BETHANY: I know.
Bethany, is it?
Don't cut your eyes on my crew unless you're ready to dance.
What did you say, little ghoul?
I don't think you understand.
I'm not locked up in here with you, Bethany.
You're locked up in here with me.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCOFFS)
Whatever.
LAYLA: What did you do?
You shouldn't have said that.
There's nothing you can do. Bethany's way too popular.
Popularity is fleeting.
I prefer to set my sights
on something a little more challenging.
ALL: Like what?
- The establishment. - (GIRLS GASP)
(MARGAUX SCATTING)
Let's see. Who shall I be today?
How about...
Ah, Shelly Longbottom, on Sugar Ridge Lane.
From Shelly Longbottom to everyone,
"Did you hear
"about those Addams people?" Question mark.
"Someone told me they're wanted in 30 states."
(CELL PHONES CHIMING)
You know they're raising a garden of man-eating plants?
And feeding them our pets!
Has anyone seen my Shih Tzu Fee-fee?
They're gonna turn us all into zombies.
Where are they from anyways?
It doesn't matter!
It's obvious they don't belong here.
Honey! Oh, those awful people up on the hill.
They're not even on Neighborhood Peeps!
Well, that's suspicious.
MAN 1: If other people are scared, then I'm scared.
MAN 2: I believe everything I read.
WOMAN: If someone posted it,
it must be true.
MAN 3: You invite one family in,
then all the families come in.
WOMAN 2: Do you think we should investigate?
I'm turning grey.
MAN 4: I'm worried for the children!
MAN 2: We need to talk to Margaux!
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
Open your books. Page 43.
Follow the instructions.
- (SCOFFS) Yuck. - Oh.
I've done this thousands of times.
(STUDENTS CHATTERING)
- (METAL CLANKING) - (DRILL WHIRRING)
GIRL: Huh?
(GASPS)
- (CRANKING, DRILLING) - (STUDENTS GASP AND EXCLAIM)
(STUDENTS MURMURING)
Flip the switch!
(STUDENTS EXCLAIMING)
(ALL GASPING)
Give my creature life!
(STUDENTS WHIMPERING)
Live! Live, I tell you, live!
(STUDENTS SCREAMING)
(SHRIEKS)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
- (STUDENTS WHIMPERING) - (FROG CROAKING)
It's alive! It's alive!
(ALL GASPING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROAKS)
(GASPS)
- (FROGS CROAKING) - (STUDENTS SCREAMING)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Get them off me!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Zombie frogs!
Bethany's changed her look.
It suits her.
Awesome. Totally awesome.
It is an honor...
...and a privilege...
BOTH: ...to watch you work.
Hey. Do you wanna go to the mall?
Why not? I haven't seen a good mauling in ages.
(PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ TUNE)
It's late. I'm worried.
GOMEZ: Darling, Wednesday will be fine.
She can take care of herself.
It's not Wednesday I'm worried about.
It's the rest of them. We may need to provide an alibi.
My love, it's game night.
Wednesday will be home soon,
so why don't you come and join us?
Oh, very well. F-6.
Pugsley, you heard your mother.
Blow F-6!
PUGSLEY: Fire in the hole!
FESTER: I'm king of the world!
(SINGING) Near, far, wherever...
- (RUBBER DUCK SQUEAKS) - (RAPID BEEPS)
(EXPLOSION)
(ROOF CRUMBLING)
(PANTS EXCITEDLY) Yes!
You sunk my battleship.
Ha-ha! Well done, Pugsley!
(CLINKING)
Hello, my uglies!
Mother! I thought I felt my skin crawling!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Grandma, what a surprise.
I thought you were in Prague.
I was!
They caught me smuggling crocodiles out of the zoo.
But I escaped and talked my way
onto a Somali pirate ship.
We got into a heated poker game
and I cleaned them out. (CHUCKLES)
- Cheating or robbery? - GRANDMA: Both!
Always remember, Pugsley,
it ain't cheating if no one catches you.
(SNIFFS) I haven't bathed in two weeks. Ugh.
Or is it months?
Ha! That reminds me.
Guess what I've got, Pugsley?
- Candy! - Oh, yes!
MORTICIA: But the Mazurka isn't for a week.
Why are you here so early?
Gomez said you needed a little help with the party.
And I said, I got my son ready for his Mazurka,
so of course, I'm going to do the same for my grandson.
I love him!
It's true! I sent for her!
I can't believe you bothered
your mother with that, darling.
Neither can I?
He said you were in over your head.
Thank you, Mother!
Said you were more tense than he's ever seen you.
- I didn't say that exactly. - GRANDMA: Yes, you did.
You said that exactly.
Said he was worried
you'd have a massive facial expression and... (GROANS)
You know, I'm starving! Let's eat!
Not until Wednesday gets home.
Where is that granddaughter of mine?
I got something for her!
(LOUD CLANG)
Ah, there's my little storm cloud!
Wednesday, where have you been?
WEDNESDAY: Elsewhere.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(MORTICIA GASPS)
(BAT SQUEAKING, SLURPING)
What are you wearing?
Parker calls it a pop of color.
While I certainly appreciate a horse
with a spear through its head,
the color is...
She claims it brings out my smile.
Wednesday, you don't have a smile.
Turns out I have a lot of things
you don't know about.
(LURCH MOANS)
GRANDMA: (GASPS) I see I got here just in time.
You were right to call, Gomez.
I'll talk to her. Hand me that bear trap.
Thank you, Grandma. But I will handle this.
Ah, suit yourself.
When you're done with Fabio, send him up to my room.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo. - LURCH: Oh, boy!
MORTICIA: Wednesday.
How would you like to join me tomorrow
after the school for tea and séance in the cemetery?
Is attendance mandatory?
Come now, my little raven.
You did so love it when you were younger.
If you like, Mother.
Sleep well, dear.
Don't forget to kick your father good night.
- (POP MUSIC PLAYING) - (SIZZLES)
PARKER: What's your favorite filter?
I don't know. I look black and white in all of them.
PARKER: You know, when I met you,
I thought you were super weird.
But now, I think you're really cool.
I concur.
You're not completely devoid of merit yourself.
I wanna say "thank you"...
(CREAKING)
Oh, how'd that barrette
you bought yesterday go over at home?
Actually, my mother's reaction was, well, unexpected.
She was accepting. It depressed me.
One never wants to see one's mother that way.
But I must admit,
walking around in something so garish, so grotesque...
I was shocked how thrilling it felt.
(SIGHS) I wish I could do that.
But my mom makes me wear this stuff,
and it's just so...
I believe the word you're looking for is "unfortunate."
Ugh. I'd love to just go crazy
and wear something that would shock her.
Well, Parker,
you're in luck.
You happen to be talking to the queen of shock.
(HAUNTING ARIA PLAYING)
(CAWING)
(CRYSTAL BALL RINGING)
Hello, Mother.
GRANDMA FRUMP: Where's my little wraith?
(SIGHS) Wednesday still hasn't arrived.
We agreed to come up here for tea and séance,
and now it seems she stood me up.
GRANDMA FRUMP: Morticia! Can you hear me?
GRANDPA FRUMP: You're not doing it right.
- Press that button there. - GRANDMA FRUMP: I did! I did!
GRANDPA FRUMP: Did you hear it click?
GRANDMA FRUMP: Morticia!
GRANDPA FRUMP: It's supposed to be on
- when you hear the click. - Wait, I see something.
GRANDPA FRUMP: You did it! GRANDMA FRUMP: Hello, darling!
Now, where's my granddaughter?
Just what I said.
I think she's distancing herself from me.
GRANDMA FRUMP: Oh, she's wrapped in a black hole
of emptiness and longing,
like all of us Frump women.
- GRANDPA FRUMP: Wednesday? - It's not Wednesday!
- GRANDPA FRUMP: Who's this? - It's me, Father.
GRANDPA FRUMP: Morticia?
What's wrong with you now?
The world can be so cruel.
And all she wants to do is run toward it.
GRANDMA FRUMP: She's a lot like you that way.
You wanted to see the world.
Find yourself. Serve time!
GRANDPA FRUMP: Listen, Morticia, remember the time
you ran away and joined the Girl Scouts?
We were so worried you were on a bad path.
But when you found out that campfires
were for roasting marshmallows and not other Girl Scouts,
well, you got bored and you came home.
GRANDMA FRUMP: We were so relieved.
GRANDPA FRUMP: Trust Wednesday.
Like you, she'll do the right thing.
Thank you, Father. That's most comforting.
GRANDPA FRUMP: Good. Wait a second.
When did I die?
GRANDMA FRUMP: 20 years ago.
GRANDPA FRUMP: Oh, right. Happy anniversary, darling.
All right, Pugsley, let's, uh, go through it again.
You got this, Pugsley. This Mazurka's nothing.
- (SLURPS) - (LIQUID SLOSHES)
- You eat swords for breakfast. - (BELCHES)
You just got a case of pre-ball jitters.
It's way more common than you think.
If a Mazurka lasts for more than four hours,
contact your doctor.
From the top. Music!
(PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)
(WHIMPERS)
(CHOKES)
(HIGH-PITCHED MOAN)
Pugsley,
I can honestly say
that was most definitely a thing you did.
(CHUCKLES) A question, what in heaven's name was it?
The Sabre Mazurka.
(GASPS)
You know what? You've been practicing hard.
Why don't we call it a day? Hmm?
- Hit the showers, kid. - (SLAPS)
So, we're finished?
Ah, yes.
Yes, son. We are most certainly finished.
Mmm. Okay. Thanks, Pop.
Thanks, Uncle Fester.
(SIGHS)
This is a complete disaster! How did this happen?
And he's going to make a fool of himself
in front of everyone!
Gomez, you gotta calm down!
There's still a day to get him ready!
Fester, a year wouldn't be enough to get him ready.
I've failed him, Fester.
I tried to raise him to be an Addams, but I failed.
They're going to eat him alive.
(SINGING) I like it like that Ooh, baby
I said I like it like that
Ooh, baby, I like it like that
All right. Thank you.
Grandma, we already have a band.
They came highly recommended from the mortuary.
Oh.
(SCOFFS) I'm sure they're good.
My sister Sloom is going to be judging Pugsley.
And if things aren't done the traditional way,
she won't be happy,
and the Mazurka could be a disaster!
But what do I know?
Fine.
SHRUNKEN HEAD 1: Yay, we got the gig!
SHRUNKEN HEAD 2: We got it!
- Ah, one more thing... - (LOUD BANGING)
Oh, someone's at the door. I'd better go see who it is.
(SHRUNKEN HEADS CONTINUE EXCLAIMING)
(DOOR CLANGS)
(GASPS)
(SINGING) What's so great about being yourself
When you can be like everyone else?
Do not speak to your mother that way.
How dare you enter this house like that.
Wait, where are your tattoos?
Oh, thank the stars!
- Where were you? - Hanging out with Parker.
Is this why you skipped tea and séance?
Your grandparents were trying to contact you.
Holy Hades!
Whoever did that to you, Wednesday,
I hope the other guy looks worse.
Nobody did this to me. This is my new look.
Do you like it?
I do not like it.
Everyone knows pink is a gateway color.
I warned you about sending her to public school.
Don't worry.
Wednesday is never going to that school again.
- What? - MORTICIA: In fact,
she's never leaving this house again.
Wow, that's some evil eye she's got there.
No, that dead-eye stare is new.
And I think I know where she got it.
Hey, guys, this is me now.
If you like it, hit "like," but who cares if you like it.
- I'm living my truth. - (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
(SCREAMS) Parker?
- Who did this to you? - I did.
This is my new look, Mother.
I decided that from now on, I choose my clothes, not you.
Argh! This is that little creep Wednesday Addams' work!
She's not a creep. She's just not like you.
Why can't you ever let people be different?
Because it's my calling to make everyone the same.
(HISSING) Too bright! It burns! (GROANING)
Good! Maybe it'll burn away the weird!
I hate it here!
Everything's boring and fake and bright,
like plastic flowers!
Like you!
Parker! Plastic flowers live forever.
Now, you go think about that in your room.
With no social media.
No! Please, no. Anything but that!
Now go wipe that depressing goop off your face.
(SCOFFS) You first!
Oh! Those Addamses have gone too far this time.
I think they're going to need a little more help.
Hey!
Where are you going?
A friend's.
I hold people prisoner, not the other way around.
Good luck with your Mazurka.
Wait, you're leaving?
Who's gonna torment me every day?
Living under this roof is all the torment you'll need.
Besides, our parents have made it clear
that the only way to be accepted in this family
is to be exactly like them.
I can't play by those rules anymore.
Farewell, brother Pugsley.
Tomorrow, you become a man.
And I become a fugitive.
Always kinda knew it'd end up like this.
Just didn't think it'd be so soon.
WEDNESDAY: I'll never forget you, Pugsley!
But I'll try.
Pugsley, have you seen your sister?
She's not in her room.
PUGSLEY: Mmm...
Pugsley. Where's Wednesday?
Um... Tsk.
Tick, tock, tick, tock, Mother.
You're getting very sleepy.
Pugsley...
She did not go to her friend's house.
She went to her friend's house?
I repeat, she did not go to her friend's...
(PUGSLEY GROANS)
(SIGHS)
(MELLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(SINGING) When the day is long
And the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure
- You've had enough - (SIGHS)
Of this life
Hang on
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts
- (WINDOW CREAKS) - (GASPS)
Sometimes
I shall be staying with you for a while.
(SINGING) Everybody hurts
MAN: (ON PHONE) If this doesn't work,
the next house we flip is gonna land on you.
Marty, listen to me.
Tomorrow, our finale will be the biggest half hour
your network has ever aired.
There's just one more thing to take care of.
This better be good or you won't be able
to get a job as a doormat.
Yes, yes, yes.
I intend to bring the house down.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
SNOOP DOGG: (SINGING) When the pimp's in the crib ma
Drop it like it's hot Drop it like it's hot
When the pigs try to get at you
Park it like it's hot Park it like it's hot
And if a... get a attitude
Pop it like it's hot Pop it like it's hot
I got the Rolly on my arm and I'm pouring Chandon
And I roll the best... 'cause I got it going on
(GONG CRASHES)
(DRONING) You rang?
It. Cousin. You made it!
(IT GIBBERS)
Please, come in. Make yourself at home.
(IT GIBBERING)
Where did she hide my phone?
I haven't been able
to post a photo of my lunch in almost three days!
And what about in there?
That's my mom's crafting room.
No one is allowed in there.
Then that's where it is.
Weird.
(LEVER CLICKS)
Whoa.
Hidden depths.
PARKER: What is this?
There's Mr. Haney making a sandwich.
And that guy trying to put a tiny tuxedo on his cat.
- MR. FLYNN: Sit still! - That's Mr. Flynn.
MR. FLYNN: Why are you being so difficult?
- (CAT YOWLS) - Trying to make you
- look handsome. - My money's on the cat.
And there's our science teacher, Ms. Gravely,
putting her underwear in the freezer?
My mom must have built hidden cameras
into all of the houses.
WEDNESDAY: She really is psycho.
- MARGAUX: Parker! - Whoa!
Hey, Mom.
We were just looking for you.
What have I told you about Mommy's crafting room?
Sorry to do this, but standards must be upheld.
Parker, someday you'll understand, and, Wednesday...
Well, anyway, Parker.
- (GRUNTING) - (DOOR RATTLES)
(SIGHS) My mom has a lair and a jail?
I knew I should have picked to live with my dad.
- We're gonna be on TV! - (EXCITED CHATTER)
Are we gonna be famous?
DENISE: Glenn, what do you want in the frame?
- Okay, everyone, listen up. - (WOMAN SHUSHING)
It's the last run-through before the finale,
so let's try this one last time, okay?
We're gonna shoot across the town square to the gazebo
where Margaux will make her grand entrance.
So everyone will be walking this direction
across the square.
Judy, you start here,
Ken, you're gonna follow Judy.
You can stand right here and...
Uh, is there a bathroom nearby?
(GASPS) Uh...
(HUSHED VOICE) Margaux, they're here!
MARGAUX: (ON PHONE) What are you talking about?
They're here!
The Addams family!
- (MAN EXCLAIMING) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(MAN SCREAMING)
Pardon me.
(GLENN YELPS)
Excuse me.
What are we gonna do?
What we always do, Glenn. Help people.
"The Addams monsters are planning
"to attack the town tonight!" Exclamation point.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
"Meet at Margaux's house now."
Mmm? Oh.
Salutations, Addams. We're here!
Petunia, I love what you've done with your hair.
Thanks, I just had it mowed.
Please, come in. Make yourself uncomfortable.
- Uncle Onion! - (VOCALIZES)
- It's been so long! - Voilà!
Yes, so disappointed to see you.
Ah, you always manage to bring a tear to my eye!
(KISSES LOUDLY)
Greetings, Dr. Flambe! How you doing?
- I'm on fire! - Good!
This party's gonna be lit!
Ah, Auntie Sloom.
Auntie Sloom!
You are as radiant as a barrel of nuclear waste.
Where is the boy?
Pugsley?
- (PUGSLEY GRUNTING) - Ah, there you are.
Come down and say hello
- to your Auntie Sloom. - Ahh!
Gomez, this tradition is not to be taken lightly.
I trust that the boy has been properly trained.
Yes, once you see how we've...
It's bad enough this Mazurka is taking place in New Jersey.
Now, where are the dregs? I'm thirsty.
MARGAUX: (ON MEGAPHONE) You've seen them!
You've heard the stories on Neighborhood Peeps!
Those Addams aren't people, they're monsters!
And now, there's an infestation of them!
They're here to destroy our beautiful community
and turn it into a place
that no Design Intervention can save!
Addams aren't wanted here!
They're monsters! They're all monsters!
We need to destroy them first!
Who's with me?
We'll be revealing Assimilation
and all of you to our audience in just an hour.
Our last chance to help these people is now.
Bill, John, do you still have that lovely catapult?
BILL AND JOHN: Yes, we do!
Are you sure about this?
MAN 1: We can't let them ruin our neighborhood!
MAN 2: Let's do it!
WOMAN: I want them out!
No one torments my family but me.
Hair clip, please.
Okay.
(CLICKS)
- (GASPS) - Cage school 101.
HEAD ADDAMS: He'd better be ready
or Auntie Sloom will have his head!
FEMALE ADDAMS: He looks very small.
MALE ADDAMS 1: That kid's got some big shoes to fill.
MALE ADDAMS 2: I certainly hope the boy's ready.
Well, I'm not going easy on him.
(PLAYING UPBEAT SPOOKY MUSIC)
FESTER: Heads up.
(SINGERS VOCALIZING)
Hey, alto, you're flat.
(IT GIBBERING)
(LAUGHTER)
Sloom.
- Sister. - Darling, I...
I know the last time we saw each other,
we had that horrible fight.
And I just wanted to tell you, from the bottom of my heart,
I won that fight! And I was glad I cheated!
You won? Still a sore loser, as always!
I want a rematch! Right here! Right now!
Auntie Sloom? Can I get you anything?
When's the Mazurka?
Soon, soon.
Our daughter Wednesday isn't here yet.
If your daughter can't be on time,
then we will begin without her!
Very well, Auntie Sloom.
(LAUGHING)
- Attention, please. Attention! - (GLASS CLINKS)
(CRUNCHES, GULPS)
The hour is upon us.
Places!
(PLAYING CEREMONIAL MUSIC ON ORGAN)
We gather today to witness my son, Pugsley Addams,
perform his Sabre Mazurka.
(ORGAN CONTINUES PLAYING)
He will begin with a reading from the Terror,
which commemorates our cries in battle.
(IT GIBBERS)
(WAILING HOWL)
(IT GIBBERS)
(HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING)
And now, the transition into manhood.
(IT GIBBERS)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(STRAINING)
(ALL APPLAUDING)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(CLEARS THROAT) And now, the Sabre Mazurka.
(EXCITED MURMURING)
Hold still.
The Addams mustache.
Now you're ready.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SWORD THUDS)
(CLANGING)
(ALL GASPING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
(ALL GASP)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(GUESTS MURMURING)
GOMEZ: Pugsley?
I give up.
I can't do it, Pop.
GUESTS: Oh.
I'm sorry.
I let you down.
You haven't let me down, Pugsley.
I let you down.
I was so focused on doing things
the traditional way,
I forgot to let you be who you are.
(ALL GASPING)
MARGAUX: (ON MEGAPHONE) Hey!
Are ya ready for your Margaux makeover now?
It's Margaux.
She must have turned the whole town
into stark raving lunatics.
Well, I have to admit, I admire her work.
BILL: Let's do this thing!
It's locked and loaded, Margaux.
Let's go get 'em! We've had enough!
Fire!
(ALL WHIMPERING)
SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!
(PANICKED SCREAMING)
Pugsley!
What is the true meaning of the Mazurka?
It's about protecting our family
from those who would do us harm!
Go ahead. Show 'em what you're good at.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
All we have to do is pull down the side walls!
ROCK MAFIA: (SINGING) You shouldn't mess with me
You don't wanna mess with me
'Cause if you mess with me You're messing with my family
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
Everyone, follow my boy!
(PUGSLEY CHUCKLING)
Hey, guys!
(SCREAMING)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
ROCK MAFIA: You might think that we are all loco
But this family is about to go global
MARGAUX: Fire!
(ALL WHIMPER)
Shakalaka bang, baby!
Quick! Out this way!
(ALL MURMURING)
(ALL GASPING)
Pop, I'm out of ammo!
We're trapped!
(RUMBLING)
(ALL WHIMPERING)
(ALL YELP)
Hope I'm not crashing the party.
PUGSLEY: Wednesday!
- Yeah! - (ALL SIGH)
Ichabod, quick, lower your branches!
Everyone, grab on!
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMS AND MURMUR)
Margaux Needler never stops until the project is complete.
(MARGAUX LAUGHING)
PUGSLEY: Fire in the hole!
(MARGAUX GASPS)
Mazurka!
(GUESTS CHEERING)
MORTICIA: Is everyone all right?
No limbs missing that weren't missing before you arrived?
(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF)
My little raven, I'm so happy you returned.
Of course I came back.
I knew there was no way
you were going to save yourselves.
You are like weak baby squirrels.
(GUESTS GROANING)
(RELIEVED CHATTER)
WEDNESDAY: Socrates.
Eight legs, nine lives.
GOMEZ: You were right, cara mia.
People can be cruel.
What have we done?
They're just a family.
MARGAUX: A family?
Oh, please! They're a bunch of monsters!
Don't go soft on me, people.
I will relish hounding you
until that nuclear waste dump of a house is gone
and your mutant family along with it! Ah!
Be careful what you wish for, Ms. Needler.
My family and I will never run from the likes of you again.
(GASPS, STAMMERS)
Deep breath, Margaux.
Okay, I have a finale to shoot.
Parker, let's go.
PARKER: I'm not going anywhere with you.
I'm staying with my friend.
MARGAUX: Your friend?
Parker, these people are freaks.
If they're freaks, then I'm a freak.
And so are all of you.
Exhibit A.
Ms. Gravely, you put your underwear in the freezer.
Hey, it's refreshing, okay?
Exhibit B. Trudy Pickering.
You sit on the toilet backwards.
Well, where else am I supposed to put my arms?
Wait, how did you know that?
Because your houses have been infested with Needler-Vision.
She has hidden cameras everywhere.
- What? - (ALL GASP)
WEDNESDAY: And watches you all of the time.
In my private time?
MAN: That is creepy, actually.
- What else has she seen? - That is over the line!
- MARGAUX: Shut up! - (ALL GASP)
Listen, you lemmings! This is my town.
You are nothing but a bunch of extras.
We are going to march down that hill and do a live show.
I expect you to convince
those brainless peons out there in the audience
that this is the perfect place to buy a house,
or none of you will be living here much longer.
- Do you hear me? - Actually, Mom,
everyone can hear you.
You've been live this whole time.
Three million people are watching you right now.
The real you, for a change.
Please, what do I care what a bunch of bloggers think?
GLENN: Margaux?
(YELLS) What?
It's the network.
They're taking your show off the air.
What?
No. I'll be... I'll be bankrupt.
Who will buy all these houses?
Okay, watch this. Now's my chance.
Excuse me, (CLEARS THROAT) I just tooted.
Furthermore, I think I can help you
get rid of those houses.
- What are you talking about? - Well, my dear,
you've got a bunch of houses you need to get rid of,
and I've got a bunch of family I need to get rid of.
WOMAN: Hello?
Excuse me. I'm Trudy.
Trudy Pickering. We... We never officially met...
Ah, yes. The toilet woman.
Right.
Listen, uh, please, give us a chance to make it right.
Let us have our own design intervention.
WEDNESDAY: Mother,
I spent time with these people,
and it is true, they are odd.
But we shouldn't judge them
just because they're different.
(SOFT MURMURING)
(HUMMING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CHUCKLES)
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
(WOMAN EXCLAIMS)
- Have a wonderful day! - ONION: Whoo-hoo.
MALE ADDAMS: And there you are.
- Bye-bye. - WOMAN: Thanks! Bye!
Well, hello there!
Howdy, neighbor. How's the new house?
Oh, I love it. I hope you brought your umbrellas.
Oh, you put in a typhoon. What a great idea.
Don't forget the gift basket, silly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We got scented embalming fluid,
toes, teeth, a fruitcake,
rat bait, got some dried apricots...
(CHUCKLES)
He's like training a puppy, adorable but tiresome.
She's the woman of my dreams!
Her breath is like a baby's diaper.
(GIGGLES) Fester, stop!
Who would have thought a guy like me, a total zero,
would have ended up with you, an also zero?
Well, do come in!
SLOOM: Now, with the house rebuilt, Pugsley,
we can throw you the celebration you deserve!
You are Addams through and through.
(ALL APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)
SPIRIT OF THE HOUSE: Get out!
Oh, how lovely. The spirit's home.
Finally, back to normal.
We did good.
I won't tell anyone if you don't.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(ADDAMS FAMILY THEME PLAYING)
(RHYTHMIC SNAPPING)
(MAN SINGING)
They're creepy And they're kooky
Mysterious and spooky
They're altogether ooky
The Addams family
There house is a museum
Where people come to see 'em
They really are a scream
The Addams family
- (FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY) - MAN: Neat.
- (FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY) - Sweet.
- (FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY) - Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on
A broomstick You can crawl on
We're gonna pay a call on
The Addams family
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
MIGOS: (SINGING) Family, family
I'd go to war for my family
Ups and downs Wrong or right, it's family
They think that we crazy
They say that we crazy, can't handle it
My back on the wall Who I'mma call, my family
We different, we stick out Wig out, bug out
Pop out, hop out Go
Ball out, hey Show out
A'ight, this a party
Let's not make a problem No!
Why you looking at me like there's something, tell me
You should know it's not just me that you'll be rubbing
ROCK MAFIA: The wrong way, so you better think twice
You shouldn't mess with me You don't want to mess with me
'Cause if you mess with me You're messing with my family
You shouldn't mess with me
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G: You don't want to mess with me
MIGOS: No!
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G: 'Cause if you mess with me
You're messing with my family
Ay, ay, ay, ay
ROCK MAFIA: You might think that we are all loco
Ay, ay, ay
MIGOS: Don't mess with my family
ROCK MAFIA: But this family about to go global
MIGOS: We blowin' up!
ROCK MAFIA: Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
(KAROL G SINGING IN SPANISH)
MIGOS: (IN ENGLISH) Don't mess with my family
A'ight, this a party Let's not make a problem
No!
Why you looking at me like there's something, tell me
You should know it's not just me that you'll be rubbing
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G: The wrong way
So you better think twice
ROCK MAFIA: You shouldn't mess with me
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G: You don't wanna mess with me
ROCK MAFIA: 'Cause if you mess with me
You're messing with my family
You shouldn't mess with me
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G: You don't wanna mess with me
'Cause if you mess with me, you're messing with my family
ROCK MAFIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G: You're messing with my family
KAROL G: Yeah ROCK MAFIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah
MIGOS: Don't mess with my family
No!
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G: Ay, ay, ay, ay
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G: You might think
That we are all loco
Ay, ay, ay
But this family
About to go global
(MUSIC TEMPO INCREASES)
MIGOS: They say that we mean Mean
They say that we rude Rude
They say we got problems Problems
But we say it's cool
Family, family
I'd go to war for my family
Ups and downs Wrong or right, it's family
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G: Ay, ay, ay, ay
You might think that we are all loco
MIGOS: Don't mess with my family
ROCK MAFIA AND KAROL G: Ay, ay, ay,
But this family is about to go global
(SONG ENDS)
(SPOOKY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: (SINGING) There's no bell
When you call for me
You'll be falling for miles
I'm bewitched by your misery
(CHUCKLES) But I love it when you smile
Let me know what you want from me
Whisper "love" in my ears
Before you try to get your hooks in me
I should warn you, my dear
My heart is a haunted house
Once you're in, you ain't getting out
It's the trap you've been waiting for
Ain't no windows, ain't no doors
No escaping the way you feel
It's like a dream, but you hope it's real
My, my, my heart
M-m-m-my heart is a haunted
CHOIR: Haunted house
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: Watch yourself when you walk to me
Careful where your heart treads
Suddenly, you'll be in too deep
You'll be caught up in my web
You will think of me constantly
And it will drive you insane
Like the tattoo you can't remove
Like the blood in your veins
My heart is a haunted house
Once you're in, you ain't getting out
It's the trap you've been waiting for
Ain't no windows, ain't no doors
There's no escaping the way you feel
It's like a dream, but you hope it's real
My, my, my heart
- M-m-m-my heart is a haunted - CHOIR: Haunted house
CHRISTINA AGUILERA: Yeah
- It's a haunted house - CHOIR: Haunted house