Herb!
- Uh... - CHARLES: Hello! Hello!
- Is this... Are we here? - Herb!
Herb!
There he is! Herb McGwyer!
I've got you on!
I've got you on now, Herb!
Fancy a listen?!
First sign of madness.
Dearie me.
Oh! You made it okay?!
I can't hear you!
You got here okay?!
Well, yeah, obviously.
Of course you did!
No nasty, uh... the dreaded in-flight meal?
Is there not, like,
- a harbor... here? - Is there not a harbor?
Well, no!
It's sort of nature's harbor, really.
- It's, um... - Okay...
I can kind of carry you through the shallows.
- Um, can you maybe, um... - I'm Charles.
- Charles Heath. - ...take a bag?
- Of course. - Thanks.
Take it.
Load me up. Load me up, buttercup.
- There it is. The old axe. - Quickly, please. It's heavy.
- That's fantastic. - Can you take it, please?
- Of course. Absolutely. - Thank you.
Yes, please. The axe.
- Love that. - Okay. S-So...
Massive fan of your work, obviously.
-So what do I do? -Thanks for coming. Oh, I'll grab this.
No, no, no, no, no! No!
Herb. Okay.
- Right. Here. - I'm so sorry, Herb. -
- Get my... Can you get my bag?! - Get everything, isn't it?
Get everything. Keep it dry.
- Okay, we're good. Close... - We're good?
Well, "close shave," I was going to say, not "we're good."
Right. Are you all right?
- You're wet. Oh, bugger me. - No. I mean, I...
It's 'cause I was...
pissing about with the guitar.
Oh, I'm so s... Welcome to Wallis Island.
You don't travel light, do you, you musicians?
Well, this is the island.
I shall show you around it as we go along, really.
We have actually met, Herb.
You may not, um...
Colchester Corn Exchange.
- Come on. - The glamour. Stage door, 2008.
My, um...
Marie, a woman about...
yea high,
and a man about...
well, me, so...
with her.
Um...
Yeah, I meet a lot of people.
Course you do. Popular man.
Popular man.
How far is it?
- Huh? - How far is it?
Oh, not too far.
Can they not send a car?
- They? - Um, Wallis Lodge,
- my hotel. - Wallis Lodge, my house?
And your hotel. Yes, exactly.
This week.
A hotel in all but name.
And, um...
and, um, facilities.
- You... - You?
I-I need to call my people.
Ooh.
Love that.
Calling his people.
My humble abode.
Ooh, no, you don't need to take your shoes off, Herb.
Well, they're soaked.
Oh, yes. From the sea.
Let's get you nice and crisp and dry.
I've got a world-class bath, by the way.
Yes.
Lion's feet on it.
Not real, of course, but next best thing.
Gig-wise, it won't exactly be Glasto.
Glastonbury.
Uh, yeah, that's-that's fine.
I mean, I much prefer, you know,
intimate gigs.
Oh, God, yeah.
Um, how many?
- People? - Yeah.
Well, less than a hundred.
- Perfect. - Perfect.
Yeah.
Bloody good effort this, Herb.
Coming all the way out here without your roadies.
- Just an acoustic set. - Eh.
Why waste the money? Quite right.
- Well, no, I didn't... - Which brings me on
to the thorny issue of payment.
- Hmm. -Oh, yeah, we don't need to do that now.
It's bloody unseemly, in't it?
- Cash? - Yes.
Now, what I thought I'd do is give you
£50 now
and the other £499,950
on completion of the gig.
If my maths is correct.
Okay.
Oh.
A cool half million.
Should keep you in guitar strings for a couple of years,
you bloody mercenary.
- Well, hang on. That's not... - No, I'm just...
...the reason I'm doing the gig.
No. No, no, no. No, no, no.
This is all jokes.
I'm just joking.
Jokes included.
It's just, um...
I-I'm not really used to having guests.
I'm just trying to get some atmos going.
Uh, there's a case in point...
I've made myself a tea and not you.
Yeah, look, can I get changed, please?
- It's... I'm drenched. - You are.
Dame Judi.
Dame Judi Drenched.
Not many musicians come to the island, Herb.
For obvious reasons,
i.e. it is admittedly remote.
And there are no stadiums or stadia.
No boutique hotels.
Well, no hotels.
There's a sort of an unofficial campsite.
You can't exactly expect Mick Hucknall
to slum it under canvas.
Kate Bush came to the island.
Herb.
But I think that was more as a retreat,
rather than as part of a tour.
She needed some peace and quiet.
And that we can offer.
- Yes. That's the beauty of this island. -
The silence.
And, of course, the beauty.
It is a bloody beautiful island.
You're in here.
- Okay, well, can you, um... - Yes.
Mm-hmm. Oh, by the way,
you've absolutely timed the *** off this, Herb.
Seaman's Day on Sunday.
Always a highlight.
Yeah, I'm just gonna lay low until the gig.
- Thank you. - Now, this tap doesn't work.
- Well, it does work. - Yes, it does work.
It works, but it sort of works...
too well, if you know what I mean.
That used to sort of drip-drip.
And now that...
more gushes.
Yes. Sorry again. If...
If these are too baggy or daggy for you.
On the plus side,
I have here in my hand a Winona.
A what?
A Winona rider.
- Your rider. - Okay.
You are now the proud Winona
of a rider.
You've got yourself...
your favorite apples,
Braeburn thereof,
times three.
Monster Munch, Pickled Onion.
Don't go snogging the ladies.
And, uh, of course, some whiskey.
And it has to be the Johnnie Walker Blue Label.
Just a few things that you've expressed a fondness for
- in, um... - Interviews.
In the past. And, of course,
the Galliard Blonde.
Oh. Yeah, I, um...
- I-I don't smoke anymore, dude. - No.
But you waver.
You waver, don't you?
Have you got rice?
Do you normally get rice?
For my phone.
Does your phone get rice? What?
It'll soak up the water from the sea.
- Will it, now? - Well, it can do, yeah.
Okay. You're not just a pretty face, are you?
- Charles. - Yas.
Can I get some rice? I need to make some calls.
Amazing sentence. Yes, you can.
I'm going down to the shop in a second.
- I need to pick up a hog. - Okay.
- A what? - The hog.
Ich bin ordered ein hog. Oink, oink.
- Okay. - Okay.
Well...
shall I plod on, Macduff?
Yeah. Can you just shut the door?
Absolutely.
I... No, I meant...
- Oh, my God. - I'm so sorry, Herb. -Yeah.
That's inexcusable.
I'm sorry, Herb. That's crazy.
All right.
I'm not at the races.
So go on then, Herb. Out with it.
What happened with you and Nell Mortimer?
Um...
Yeah, I'm quite a private person, to be honest.
No, I know you are.
But go on. What happened?
Because some sources say that you dumped her.
Some sources say that she dumped you.
So come on.
- Who dumped who? - No, it wasn't...
Whom dumped whom?
It was... it was a mutual decision.
Some of the best are. Some of the best are.
And now we're sort of...
all good, huh? Amicable?
I'm sorry. I'm prying.
It's just I love that...
What do you call it? An era?
The early stuff. You and her.
-Some of my favorite stuff, I have to say. -Yeah, okay.
I think my solo stuff's more varied.
Musically.
Mm, mm.
The harmonies?
And I'm very proud of my new album, so...
Which I cannot wait to listen to on the night.
Not exclusively.
As part of a balanced program, of course.
- Where is the shop, man? - The shop is down thar.
Yes. Bit of a, um, Aladdin's cave.
Fishing net.
Uh...
Why? -AMANDA: 'Cause you won't do it.
You'll get... You'll leave everything out
-and expect me to put it all away. -Mum, please.
Sorry about that.
New balls, please.
You must be hungry.
Hmm?
No. But not to eat. The...
Uh, no, no.
I meant, uh...
Ooh.
O-kay.
There she is.
Oink.
Will you be needing the barrow?
- Oh, God, yeah. - Sorry, um, do you sell rice?
Uh, we've got pasta.
N-No. It has to be rice.
It has to be rice, apparently.
What are you making?
No, it's-it's for my phone.
It got wet.
Right.
Yeah.
I still don't understand. Sorry.
Welcome to my world.
Uh, well, there's a-a-a payphone outside.
Great.
- He's a musician. - Oh.
Ooh, you've got rice pudding though.
- Yes. - Hmm.
I need some more money. For the phone.
Some change.
Will you just get me some change?
- I'm about to run out. - That's a 50.
Oh, hi. Um...
Can, uh... can you put me through to Zeb Loman, please?
Herb McGwyer.
I don't want tickets for Herb McGwyer.
I am Herb McGwyer.
Saying my own name isn't name-dropping.
Well, okay. Uh, when will he be free?
Can you find out?
Hang on.
Um...
You changed the whole thing?
Yeah.
Okay, well, just, uh, yeah, go in the meeting.
Can you shut the door?
No, not you. Sorry. Can you... can you shut the door?
Thank you. No, not you.
It's not shut.
Can you shut... What kind of meeting is it?
Can you...
I'm calling back in the morning.
Yes, exactly. Stretch the old "leegs."
See if you can't breathe some life into the old, uh, iPhone.
Yeah, I mean, rice pudding definitely won't work.
Well, not with that attitude, no, it won't.
Ah! Now, then!
The scene of the crime! The venue!
- Where? - It's down yar.
It's not finished yet, of course.
We still need to...
roll out the barrel.
But that is the, uh...
It's not ready yet, Herb.
It's not... it's not finished yet!
This isn't where the gig is.
Well, you're half right. It is where the gig is.
Where will the audience be?
Oh, no, I'll just...
You just concentrate on what you do best...
playing your wonderful music.
And I'll concentrate on what I do best...
sort of sitting on a pallet.
But, I mean...
I mean, there's no... How do you...
- how do you ticket this? - Don't worry about that.
You said there'd be a hundred.
No.
- No, no, no, no, no. - Well, yeah, you did.
No, fair's fair. No, I did not say there'd be a hundred.
- Yeah, you did. - No, I didn't.
I said there'd be less than a hundred.
How many less than a hundred?
Well, just as in...
As in?
Is it just you?
Yeah.
Right.
Are we wandering back up, are we?
Are we wandering...
Now, set list-wise,
of course, absolutementup to you.
Well, I do have a few faves I wouldn't mind seeing
scuttling around, and he who pays the piper
must have some control over
- what the piper pipes. - What do you do?
- Hmm? - You a banker?
Or oil? It's oil, isn't it?
- I-I... I'm retired. - 'Cause I'm not
playing a private gig for some oil tycoon or whatever.
- Where's oil come from? - I'm... You know,
I'm-I'm anti-corporate, famously.
I'm anti-corporate.
Believe me, I hate bloody, um...
Well, I can't think of one, but...
- 'Cause, you know... - IKEA. Bad example.
I thought it was a group of fans all clubbing together.
No. One fan. Clubbing alone.
Right, so, I need to know what you do.
-You have every right to know what I do. -Thank you.
Right.
I did... was a male nurse.
Nurse.
S... Okay, where's the money come from?
- You won? - Indeed we did, yes,
we bloody won the thing. Yup.
- And it changed everything. - Well, yeah.
Course it did, yeah.
The world was our oyster.
We got to travel the globe.
We did Asia.
That's what they say, isn't it? "Did."
Who, uh...
Well, you know, the globetrotters.
- You know, um... - I mean, who's "we"?
Palin. Alan Whicker.
We did China. We did Malaysia.
Kathmandu was very much a case of Kathman-did.
Italy. Antigua. Tokyo.
That's not the route, of course, that's just
some of the places we visited, really.
And then one day, of course, it had run out.
And there we were.
Hungover and suntanned.
With precisely two-thirds of diddly-squat to our name.
Okay. So, sorry, I don't understand.
How come you're a millionaire now?
Mm.
So...
Played it again.
And won it again.
And decided to save it.
Wasn't much interested in traveling anymore.
Not on my tod, anyway. Um...
after Marie, um... I mean...
Uh, you-you won the lottery twice?
Did indeed. Bought this place. Hmm.
Just me. My money.
And your beautiful music.
7, 11, 18,
27, 45 and 48.
The significance being those were the winning numbers.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I mean, obviously. - I mean, obviously.
Two pounds well spent.
The great Herb McGwyer.
1981 to...
Well, who knows? TBC.
Or, put it another way,
Chris Pinner.
For the first 20 years of your life, Chris Pinner.
- No? Don't like it? - Not really, no.
No. All right.
Well, I shall avoid calling you the C-word.
As in "Chris." Well, as in either.
Cheese.
- That's lovely, that. - Sorry, can you, um,
can you delete those, please?
- Um... - I mean, they'll just be
- for my, um... for my annals. - Oh?
Well, this'll just be for... well, for me.
Oh. Goes right through you, then?
That's the phrase I'm after.
When was the last time you, um,
c-collaborated with Nell or, you know,
- played together? - Um,
well, I don't know, man, like, ten years ago.
"Sunday Best." Radio 6 did a thing on us.
- Yes, with Gideon Coe. - Yeah.
Well, listen here, Herb. Just in terms
of the "pluffman's..."
- Dig in. You know... - Uh...
- Ploughman's. Have so... - Yeah, I can't
eat four types of cheese directly before bed.
- Quattro formaggio? - Yeah, it's... it's late, man.
I think I'm gonna, um, hit the hay.
I've opened the jeroboam now.
I'm good.
- Oh. - Thanks.
And, just, Nell-wise, just broken record-wise,
- I mean, you'd be okay if... - Can you-can you just
stop prying? Okay?
I know. "Pryawatha."
Yeah. I will.
- It's just because... - It's, please... It's...
Listen, it's water under the bridge, okay?
Okay.
Perfect.
He's everywhere.
It's like he's man marking me.
No, there's no party.
No. It's... I'm literally playing.
To one... to one guy.
Of course I'll do it. I mean, it's paying for the album.
You know, take the money, do the gig,
take out a restraining order.
I'm serious, Zeb, this is Misery.
I'm gonna wake up with no ankles.
No, he's fine. Honestly, he's quite...
He's sort of... he's sort of sweet, in a way.
I mean, he's a sap, obviously, but he's...
I feel kind of badly for the guy.
Oh, hang on.
Oh. Yeah, send me the latest artwork.
I'll-I'll try and get online and, um...
Oh, my God, this is unbelievable.
Here he is. He's crazy, man.
Yeah. He's literally just come waddling past right now.
Um... I've... I've got to go. Hang on.
Charles. Is that...
Is Nell coming?
Ah, Herb. Hello.
- Did you... - Good phone call? Decent?
- Did you invite Nell? - Eh...
But, uh... Yeah. She's, um...
Oh.
Oh, shit.
In a good way or...
- Why didn't you tell me? - I did try to, last night.
- But before that. - Because we were...
Your trousers were all wet.
- Before I got here, I mean. - She confirmed late.
- It's okay. Is it? - What? No.
- What? - No.
With...
Nell and... you and Nell and Michael.
Who's Michael?
Her husband.
You were saying "water under the bridge."
- You did say. - Yeah, as in
"it was a long time ago," not as in...
- Yeah. - "It's okay."
- It was a long time ago. - It's not okay.
- I know. Is it not? - No.
Not really.
I need to, um...
Hey, hey!
- The welcoming party. - Hello, hello!
- Hi, Herb. - Ah! Thank you, Peter.
Yeah, thanks-thanks, but no thanks, Peter.
That was a bit of a bumpy ride.
- Oh. Oh, dear! - Oh.
- Oh! Easy, baby, easy. - Careful, now.
Careful on the shingles.
McGwyer, Mortimer.
Mortimer, McGwyer.
- Straub-Hodder is the, -It's my marr...
- uh, married name. - Oh.
- It's not Mortimer anymore. - Ooh.
- Love that. Yeah. - Herb!
It's great to finally meet you, bud. Come on!
- Yeah. Um, you're Michael. - Yeah.
Last time I checked,
- yeah. - Cool.
- Okay. - Well, there we are.
- Yeah. - Shall we, um...
- Yep. - Let's, um...
Shearwaters? Do you, uh,
do you get any shearwaters here?
Shearwaters?
Again, Mike, I'm not exactly bird wise.
I mean, uh, gulls, we have.
- Seagulls. - What about auks?
Do you get any auks here?
Well, orcs don't exist, do they?
As in... Are you talking, like, the sort of green trolls?
Oh, no, no, no, no, I mean, like, uh...
So, um, he, uh, he wants to play the old stuff.
- Charles. - Ah. Yeah.
I mean, I'm happy to say, you know, no.
Okay.
Well, th-that... that... some of that's
off limits, you know?
I don't know how you... I mean, what...
what-what do you think?
Yeah, I figured he'd want the back catalogue.
I mean, it's his party.
- What's your problem? - Haven't got a problem.
I'm just... It's...
Would... I mean, that stuff
is just from another time, isn't it?
Yeah.
So that's why it's fine, isn't it?
Okay. Or...
that's why it's not fine. You know?
You knew I was coming, right?
Yeah.
Yeah. Why?
Well, what did you think you'd be playing?
If it was with me, you must have
- thought it would be our stuff. - No, no. Yeah.
I know that. Yeah. I did.
Okay.
No, it's just, I... It's fine. Forget it.
It's not a big deal. I'm just saying...
- I'm excited. - Yeah. I am.
You know, you and me,
- playing again. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
All right. Here we are, then,
- kids. - Shoes off?
Uh, shoes on. Very much on.
Oh, my God. I am literally in love
- with your glazing, man. - Well,
- thank you. - We've got you some...
- Ooh. - Oh, no, no, no.
- It's just a little... - Oh, you shouldn't have.
- What is it? - Um, it's just a little
something to say thank you for having us.
- What's this... chutney? - Yeah.
Houston, we have chutney.
And it's not a problem.
"Nell's Chutney."
- It's just a hobby, really. - Hobby?
She has her own stall at the Portland farmers market.
Wowee. Straight outta Portland!
- Uh... - The Windy City.
-No. No, no, that is, -No? What is... No. That's...
- Chicago. We are Rose City. - That's Chicago.
Rose City Limits.
- Yes, sir. - Route 66.
- Uh, Interstate 5. - Oh.
It's, uh, the I-5.
High five. Don't leave me hanging.
Absolutely love that.
Love having you here.
- Love being here. - Fantastic.
Uh, no.
I mean, I... It was fun. I mean, not, you know,
- annoying, obviously, having to. - Yeah.
Relearn all the songs, but, um...
- Bloody fantastic. - Yeah.
Uh, I quite enjoyed it... playing music again.
No offense here, but I didn't really, uh, listen to you guys,
like, back in the day.
- Oh, wow. Seriously? - Oh, no, that's-that's fine.
I mean, I knew who she was when we met.
But yeah, I've, um, heard the songs a lot
these last few weeks and, um, yeah,
some of them just really get in there. So, um, so,
kudos to you-dos.
Yeah, I mean, my music's quite different now.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. - Yeah. Um...
No, 'cause you-you've heard...
- He's heard some of the, um... - I have, yeah.
- Uh, the, um... - Collaborations.
Yeah, the collabs. Um, uh,
like the, uh... What's the... that "Work That Body"?
- "Work the Body." - Oh, boy. That's the...
- Yeah. That's the... - Well,
- it is what it is. - So...
Ideal.
Yeah, I mean, I... that one
is a bit more commercial, I guess.
Commercial... is that a, um...
- genre? - Mm.
It... As in, it's, uh, it's a dance,
big beat, kind of more mainstream.
Pop.
Goes the weasel.
It's... "Commercial" is the catch-all term
for a whole range of-of... It's-it's not...
- I'm not commercial. - Of course.
You're just getting paid 300 grand
just to do a private gig, so, you know.
Wha... What-what was the... that-that...
Um, now... gonna help you to some...
Uh, no, I'm-I'm, uh...
Did you just tell him to shut up?
Nah.
Um, is it a case of "let's get ready to crumble"?
Is he getting paid more than me?
- Hmm? - Are you...
Are you getting paid more than me?
I d-I don't know what this guy's doing.
How much you getting? How much you getting?
Let's... I'm happy to just split the lot.
No, I'm-I'm interested in how much more important a part
of McGwyer Mortimer you are.
Uh, 500. His...
- His people wanted 500. - Right, see, it wasn't me.
- I didn't n-negotiate. - It was the people.
- The people. - Oh, for God...
You don't have a manager anymore, yeah?
It's different for you, you know.
You're not, um, an artist now.
I'm not an artist?
As in... as... I'm still making albums.
You know? You-you quit. And I wrote the songs.
No, you didn't. Not all of them.
Oh, come on, I wrote, like, you know, the...
Good ones?
"The majority," I was gonna say.
No, like, 90%.
I didn't quit. You made a solo album.
Okay, and you didn't.
So what do you want... Uh, this is...
this is bullshit.
I don't need it. Can you...
Please, just stop playing our music,
like, all the time?
I will second that.
And you can shut up as well.
- Whoa, dude. - Really?!
- Come on. - Yeah. Actually, I'm going
- to bed. - Okay, so, Herb, should we
just clean up after you, then?
No, Herb, you don't need to.
- Oh, well, no, I'm gonna... - You don't need to.
- I... - Fine.
- Herb. - Honestly...
Not in the wastepaper basket, man.
Oh! Hell.
- I mean... - Hello?
- Hello, hello? - Oh.
Oh, my God, Herb!
What the bloody hell has happened here?
I'm fine.
- You fell. Again. - I know that.
What are we gonna do with you?
- Here. - Just... You left
- crumble outside my door. - No, that was meant as food.
- Yeah, I get that. Right. - Not as a hazard.
Are you leaving?
- No. - Yeah.
Th-This is bullshit, okay?
I d-I don't need this.
Oh, come on, dude, you can't leave.
No, he can't. You can't leave.
- You're not leaving. - I'm not playing the old songs
like some tribute band.
Tribute to yourself band, though.
That's not... that's not what I'm about.
Well, thanks for discussing it with me first.
Yeah, I didn't know you were gonna be here, okay?
I, uh... lied about that.
I wouldn't have agreed to it if I'd known.
Oh, cool. Thanks.
Baby, hang on.
Herb, you can't go.
Yeah, sue me. Whatever.
No, as in, th-there isn't a boat for hours.
What time is the boat?
There's nothing you can say, Charles.
Well, hang on a minute. Please-please don't go.
You already said that.
Please don't go.
I mean, I can't read the guy's handwriting.
He can't read his handwriting.
Peter... absolute disgrace.
Look at this timetable. Absolute car crash.
Fold out...
11:30, look.
- Yes, 11:30. - That's a nine, isn't it?
That's a five. But that's 11:30.
He collects the post at 11:00, then have a cup of tea,
use the WC, and then he sets sail.
I mean, obviously, none of that's written here,
but that is how he does it. 11:30.
"Sometimes." He's written "sometimes."
"Sometimes." He sometimes goes at 11:30.
I got the rice!
I ordered it in.
Oh. Um...
Yeah, I-I, I didn't ask you to do that.
Oh, no, I know, but, uh, do you want it?
I mean, not now, no.
Oh.
I, uh...
I did order it in specially.
- Okay, sure. I'll take it. - Great.
Just, um... help yourself to whatever it...
- cost to pay. - Right.
Hey, Herb!
- Hiya! - Oh. Hi, Michael.
- Okay, thank you. - Thanks.
- Everything okay? - Yeah.
You see-see anything?
Uh... well.
- Not really. Thanks for asking. - Yeah.
Some gulls.
Some wood pigeons.
Listen, I'm sorry about last night.
I was messing around.
That's not why I'm...
That's fine. Honestly, I-I don't care about that.
Sure. I'm just... I'm just saying.
Listen, um...
Here's the thing.
And it's a bit, uh...
We need the money.
Me and Nell.
So if you're going, there's no gig.
Nell's never gonna ask you herself.
She's a bit proud, as you well know.
So there it is.
It would mean a lot.
But you know.
It's your call.
Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Fantastic.
I love it.
I am the happiest man in the world.
Gotta be.
One of 'em.
And if there's anything you need,
just in terms of, you know, anything, really,
flannels, a green room.
- Or, uh... - Yeah.
I mean, probably just somewhere to rehearse.
- Yeah. Rehearsal space. - Yeah.
Fantastic.
Hose down the old classics.
Happy man.
Happy man, Herb.
Follow me.
Right.
The conservatory/ rehearsal space.
Foliage galore, don't worry about that side of things.
Oh. Wow.
- Yes, indeed. - Okay.
I did try soundproofing it,
but I'm not sure I've slathered myself in glory, I must say.
It's, um...
- it's pretty hot, isn't it? - Oh, God, yeah.
No, it's unbearably hot. Yeah.
And then, when the sun goes, it's too cold.
So it's a, um, it's a country of contrasts.
- Is this my guitar? - No.
No, got that at auction.
It's the one you recorded "Way Back When" on.
- Yeah, that's what I mean. - Oh, wow, you are a fan.
I am. Mm-hmm.
In fact, Herb, if you do get a second,
I wouldn't mind getting your paw print on that, please.
Have, uh, have you got anything of mine?
Sorry, what?
Do you have anything of mine?
Yeah.
What is it?
Is it creepy?
It's hair, yeah.
-Hair? -It's a, it's a lock of your hair.
Yes, um...
- Oh, my God. - Uh, yes.
Whose hair are they selling you?
Your hair.
- Is it... No? Is it not yours? - No.
- Uh-uh? - Nope.
You've been scammed there, Charlie.
I've never, never auctioned off any of my hair.
Mis-sold hair?
Yeah. I can, I can hack some off
before I go, if you want.
Oh, fantastic. Thank you.
Um...
Uh, no.
- Joking. - No. Yeah.
Um...
Right, well, um... what'll it be, then?
Shall I pull up a pew or is it
- make myself scarce? - No, no, no.
We're in scarce territory. Okay.
Oh, for, um...
Okay, it's not...
Just give me a second.
- Sounds weird. - Yeah.
Okay, it's just the acoustics in here, okay?
We don't... Let's... We don't need to do that one
if you can't play it.
I can... Of course I can play it.
I've played it before.
All right.
- Chill. Jesus. - Yeah.
Just... give me some space, okay? This isn't...
Give me a second.
Look, I'm sorry about being a prick last night.
Okay?
You can't help it.
Thanks.
Um...
And... so you know, the solo album...
Oh, God. You really don't have to.
I didn't plan to, like, go it alone...
No. We really don't have to talk about it, Herb.
Well, well, okay, but you clearly...
I clearly don't. I really, really clearly don't.
It wasn't deliberate. Okay? It was, um...
What, you made a solo album by accident?
No. It was, the way it happened was...
I didn't think about it. It just happened.
It wasn't to do with
- what was going on between... - Hey!
- Hey. - Hey.
- You all right? -Yeah. - Just not seeing anything.
- Aw. Sorry, babe. - Oh, no.
Yeah. The shopkeeper says there's this guy
who does tours on the north side of the island.
It's where the puffins nest.
So, what, you're going on tour?
I mean, it's your call, but, um...
We can discuss later, if, uh...
Sorry for interrupting, Herb.
- Yeah. Yeah. - No, no, no, there's...
there's loads that Herb can do without me.
Right?
Yeah.
Okay.
So when are you going?
You're gonna miss Seaman's Day, Michael.
- Big call. - I'll be back
- in time for the gig, though. - Yeah.
I hope you're not huffin' and puffin' for nothin'.
By which I mean,
I hope you see a puffin.
I love this guy.
Love you, baby.
See you Tuesday!
Tatty bye.
- Ooh. House is this way, Nell. - I know.
I just want one thing.
Is it? Oh.
Sorry, what were they called?
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
Oh, right.
And they're a sort of cup.
Uh, well, no, they're... they're a sort of, like,
peanut butter in a kind of...
- Parcel, is it? - Mm, no, not...
Um, like a...
I don't know.
- Marcus. - Uh...
Sorry about this.
Oh. Hello.
Can you see if
the peanut butter's been delivered, please?
- Oh, that's lovely. - Oh, yes.
- Very nice stationery. - Thank you.
Well, I noticed lots of people come here to write, so...
Help the writers.
Long live the scribes.
Nell here is, of course, a writer extraordinaire.
Was. And even then, not really.
Yes, really.
"Slip Away." One of yours.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah.
- You like that one, do you? - Mm...
Yes, it's an absolute banger, thank you.
Thank you.
We have this.
Mm.
Um...
You could maybe...
put it in a cup?
Yeah, I mean...
Yeah, I mean... Yeah.
- So what's the vibe? - Huh?
With the, uh... with her.
The shopkeeper.
Oh.
Uh, uh, Amanda.
She's, um...
She lives with, uh, the lad and, um...
mother, I think, somewhere.
You quite like her, though.
So get her number.
I don't think we're quite there, numbers-wise.
What do you mean?
There. We're not there, numbers-wise.
Also, I'd have to march up
right outside her shop and use her phone box.
- Not a great look, is it? - That's true.
Ooh, invite her to the gig.
- No. Not happening. - Why? Why not?
Because no.
I... That's my worst thing about gigs, is other people.
Pushing, singing along...
- She's one person, Charlie. - I know she's one person.
She's not going to start a mosh pit, is she?
What's a mosh pit?
Ah.
Genius at work.
Did someone order a...
Nell Mortimer solo album?
I don't think they did.
I would be at the front of the queue in HMV, believe me.
Get the old elbows out.
Oh. Herbivore.
Why are you so cheerful?
Have a look at that.
- Oh, wow. - Yep.
- There's a lot to that. - Wow. Oh, my good...
Oh!
Oh...
We look about 12.
I mean, look at that hair.
- Yeah, it's not great. - Awful.
-Not good hair. -Don't know what I was thinking.
- Okay. Remember that day? - Ooh, I like these.
-Yeah. -HERB: I just remember being cold.
- It's a swimming pool. - And annoyed all day.
Yeah, that rings a bell.
Oh, my goodness.
Huh?
Tickets from our Roundhouse gig in '09.
Oh, yes, please. We were there.
Well, yeah, you've got tickets.
Yes, I know. That's how we got 'em.
Fantastic. That gig.
Had the world at our feet, Charles.
Now, if no one objects,
I thought I might make a curry.
A good old Dr. Currold Shipman, at your servissimo.
With, of course, the Condoleezza Rice.
Okay.
What?
I think we might be back to square one, Herb.
Well, get it out.
- Get it out. - Oh, right. Okay.
Quickly.
You're boiling my phone.
- Okay, Morning Haze... - No.
...as an album... Listen. Please listen.
So what I'm saying is that
that was the first time you could see
- where we were going. - No. No, I don't think...
Like, the first... like, we stopped
trying to do, like, rock or...
- Rock? Did you just say rock? - Yeah. Yeah, rock.
When were we ever trying to do rock?
- What are you talking about? - You, you I remember...
You told Rich Hamner that you wanted "Give Your Love"
to sound like The Libertines.
I... Come on.
- Is that true? - Yeah.
- Okay. - Hun... Hundred percent.
It was cool. It wasn't what we were doing.
It had nothing to do with the music we were making.
I got to say, this is brilliant. I'm loving this.
I am absolutely loving this.
Just McGwyer Mortimer just exchanging anecdotes.
Why not? I feel like David Letterman.
I really do. With a chicken xacuti.
Herb?
Ah... Herb?
Herb.
He's an enigma.
He's gone to get his guitar.
- Oh, has he? Has he? - Hmm. Hmm.
Ah.
Oh, the wanderer returns.
Herb.
- Oh. - You all right?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Gonna prove a point now?
- You ready to rock? - Mm. Oh, wow. Okay.
Charles?
It's not rock.
No.
Not when you play it like that.
Wowsers. I mean, wowsers in your trousers. That's...
I mean, oh, my goodness gracious me.
That's something else. That's, um...
That's something...
Everything's there, and that's somewhere else.
Just believe me. That's... I'm speechless.
- Well, you're not. - Well, I am.
I mean, I've never, you know... That's... Yeah.
And I've seen a thing or two, believe me.
Keep your Niagara Falls. Keep your Hadrian's Wall.
Keep the lot. Keep Alton Towers.
That's beautiful. That's what it's about.
You two.
The bees' bollocks, basically.
Fantastic.
Probably gonna go to bed.
- Turn in? - Yeah.
Absolutely. Hundred percent.
- Leave 'em wanting more. - Yep.
- Night. Mm-hmm. - Salute. Yes, big day tomorrow.
Seaman's Day.
- Lest we forget. - Yeah.
Come on.
And everything.
Wonderful, that.
Hey.
- Here you go. - Thanks.
Um... set list-wise,
I think we shouldn't do "Our Love." Really.
- All right. - It just feels kind of, um,
- Okay. - Like it wouldn't work live,
I think.
Maybe do "Inside a Whale" or something.
Mm-hmm.
Um, you...
- You're not online, are you? - Yeah, sort of.
It's not great 4G, but yeah. Why?
Um, can I borrow your phone, just quickly?
Yeah.
- Is this the album cover? - It's only a mock-up.
- It's not, you know... - Right.
Feat?
Yeah, like, um... like "featuring."
- Ah. - You know?
Yeah.
What-what do you think?
I mean...
I make chutney now, so, you know,
- who cares what I think? - Well, I do.
Come on, please.
Do you want me to say that I like it
or do you want me to be honest?
Okay.
Wait.
Have they whitened your teeth?
- Yeah. See? - Oh, my God.
Wow.
Wait.
Let me see what they look like in real life.
- No, no, it's not me. - Knock, knock.
- Oh.
Sorry to interrupt.
Um, just to say, Nell, we are an hour away
- from low tide. - Oh.
- And, um, Herb... - Mm?
I found another one.
Ah.
All right.
15-love.
No, just the sheer connection
between the two of you.
It's incredible, Herb.
30-love.
You can't fake that, Herb.
You cannot fake it.
40-love.
Ridiculous.
And I'm not just talking musically, Herb.
I'm talking chemist...
"chemistrarily."
The two of you, you're just so good together.
Just two people in perfect harmony.
Literally.
And I know, of course, you are now
the great Herb McGwyer, the solo artist,
and I'm all for that, fair play to you,
but I must say, just from a neutral's perspective,
just seeing the two of you, you just think,
"Why are they not still together?"
- Oh, I wasn't ready. - And that's one-nil.
And that's game, Charles.
We change ends. We go again.
- Fantastic, that. - Hell of a serve
- you got on you. - Oh! Well,
I've no one to play with.
So, basically, the only thing I can practice
is the old serve.
The dreaded serve.
Whoa! It's a bit of a weapon.
Yeah, you're a bit of a weapon.
- Pardon me? - Okay.
- Huh? - You ready?
Uh, yeah, I'm ready.
Born ready.
Aah!
You see, this is the issue.
I've not returned a serve for six years.
- New balls, please. - Right you are.
And also, of course, lest we forget,
a very happy Seaman's Day to you.
- Happy Seaman's Day to you. - Thank you.
- I thought you were leaving. - No.
Oh, yeah, I was, but, I mean, I didn't.
Where do you play?
- Pardon me? - Tennis.
Oh, just, no. Just at home.
Just rubbish.
He's got a court.
Really?
Yeah, did you not...
You two should play sometime.
Oh, I, uh...
Do I have to come dressed like this?
Exactly.
The 1970s called. They want Björn Borg back.
I don't know why you're laughing, mate.
- They're your clothes. - They are my clothes.
Yeah, they are.
- Uh, do you have Calippos? - Oh, no.
- Sorry, what was that? - I did say
- it was a long shot. - Um, Calippos.
They're like, uh, round lollies.
Well, they're not round. They're cylindrical.
They're sort of yea...
they're yea wide and yea sort of long.
I've got choc ices.
- Perfect, yeah. - Different. Okay.
- Right this way. - Ah, of course.
The old, uh, chest freezer.
- There they are. - There they are. Oh.
Um, on a slightly different note, Amanda,
- do you like music? - Sorry?
Do you like... Sorry.
Do you like music? Sort of singing
- and dancing? - Well, not dancing.
No, no, but sort of singing
and playing music. Like, music.
Uh, suppose it-it depends what it is, really.
- Well, yeah, obviously. - Well, of course it does.
Well, specifically, McGwyer Mortimer.
Oh, I... uh... I-I...
- As in Herb McGwyer? - No, I...
- Who is that? - Who's that?
Only the best-selling UK folk rock artist of 2014.
And also the man stood right before us.
There he is... the man, the myth.
- Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. - It's fine.
What did you say your name was?
- Doesn't matter. Doesn't... - Herb McGwyer.
- I think, uh... - "Raspberry Fair"?
No?
- Uh... - "Inside a Whale"? No?
- "Our Love"? - Well, don't just name
the old stuff. There's...
Uh, "Work the Body" is more recent,
featuring, uh, Little Peas.
Or "Step on It" featuring Baby Gal.
Oh, I mainly listen to ABBA.
"What are you doing on Tuesday night?"
That's what you should have said.
- Come on. - Not, "Do you like music?"
Dearie me. We can't all be lotharios, thank you very much.
- What? - We can't all be lotharios.
- I'm not a lothario, mate. - I'm not saying
- you are a lothario. - Sounds like you are.
I'm saying I'm not a lothario.
- Yeah, evidently. - It's been a long while.
- Five years, if you're asking. - Uh-huh.
Well, she likes tennis, clearly.
- Mm-hmm. - Ask her round to play.
Ask her round to play? You're joking.
I'm not nine.
Well, I'm not, am I?
"Ask her round to play."
My goodness. Very sexy, I don't think.
- What you doing? - Oh.
No, uh, nothing. Just, um...
It's just, uh, an invitation to the gig for Amanda.
Pop it round. Yeah.
Okay. Good.
Okay. Come on, then.
- What's the plan? - Ah, yes.
It is a simple case of jacket potato, baked beans,
flip open the lids on a couple of home brews
and lay waste to some Red Leicester.
Okay, but I mean for Seaman's Day.
As in... I-I mean, what do you mean?
Are we not...
You've mentioned it several times.
Seaman's Day?
I mean, it's just... it's-it's Seaman's Day.
I mean, it's not, you know...
But what... So, like, is there any activity,
like, pinned to it?
Pinned?
Well, is there anything to do on...
because it's Seaman's Day or, uh...
Well, I mean, easiest way to explain is it's Seaman's Day.
- Right. - So it's just, you know,
Seaman's Day... it's-it's just the day of Seaman's Day.
I mean, no one really does anything for it.
Oh.
- Okay. - Okay.
Well...
Well, we are.
Can we?
This stuff here
is gauze, and this stuff here... Be careful.
He means... He's trying to say "gorse," I think.
He-he's not trying to say "gorse."
- All right. - Let's go, Nell.
- Go on. - Oh! Missed it.
I can do better.
What a terrible delivery.
- I can and I will. - Whoo!
Now, then. Now, then, watch!
Come on!
- That's a home run. - Wrong sport, mate.
- I'm having that tomato. I am. - No!
-No, Herb. Get off. No. -No, I'm having it. I'm having it.
- Your dirty little paws... - You're gonna squash it.
- Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! - Yes!
Children, children.
- McGwyer Mortimer. - Mmm.
- Mm, yeah. - We're in, yeah.
And plop.
There she goes.
To paraphrase The Beatles, there goes the sun.
- Fan of The Beatles, Herb? - Can we just...
- Oh, I bet you are. - ...watch the sunset in si...?
- I bet you bloody are. - Yes, I like The Beatles.
Let's watch the sunset, okay?
We were lucky enough once to, um, see
the, uh, Bootleg Beatles.
Brilliant.
Have you seen them, Herb?
Something else. Tight as a drum.
- Okay, just... - Hit after hit.
Can we just please... Can we just watch the sunset?
Can we just please appreciate this damn sunset?
- Shall we, um... - Okay, yeah.
- Let's pack up and head back. - No, wait, wait, wait, w-wait.
- I've got a thing. - Oh.
Just sit down.
Rest the legs.
So, I brought these
to do with Michael, but he's off perving
over puffins or whatever.
- There you go. - Thank you.
For you. And pens.
- There you go. - To write on the lanterns.
To write on the lanterns.
Um, what do we... what do we write?
We're writing, um...
- Just... - ...wishes.
People, names, thoughts, prayers.
- I mean, mainly wishes. - Okay.
- Primarily wishes. - Primarily wishes.
And privately.
Okay.
I've got all my wishes right here.
Sat on a pebbled beach with McGwyer Mortimer.
No further questions, genie.
Eff off.
- What? - Have you got writer's block?
-Yeah. -Do you want me to write the last ten percent for you?
- Is that... - No, I'm doing it.
- Can I help you? - I-I'm doing...
- Thank you. I'm doing it. - Very funny. -Yeah.
-I think I know whose name you're writing. -Huh?
Amanda?
Three, two, one.
Think we know where it's gonna go, though.
- Three, two, one. - Two, one.
- Alley-oop. - HERB and NELL: Go!
- Go on! - Whoo!
- Yes, please, Louise!
Look at my one go.
Well, look at my one go, by that rationale.
Oh, dearie me.
Oh, my goodness.
- Hold, hold. - Can we just speed up?
- This is... - We can't speed up.
- We speed down if anything. - I'm running.
- What are you doing? - No, no, no. -No.
- Herb! - Herb, man!
- You're reckless. - He doesn't have any...
- Oh! - Right, we made it.
- Right, come on. - Oh, my goodness.
- Okay, we're in. - Right.
- In, in, in, in, in. - Access all areas.
- Fantastic. - Whoops. Sorry.
- Oh, my gosh. - Okay, it's all right.
- I'm fine. - Oh. We're in. Lovely.
Uh, right.
- To bed for I, I think. - Okay. Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh. - Uh, pint of water.
Yeah.
Quick widdle, and then, uh...
...climb the wooden hill to, uh, dear old Bedfordshire.
- So, what now? - Oh, what a Seaman's Day!
- You tired? - We did it!
No.
- Are you counting? - I was trying to.
Hang on. But there are 64... I can't do that. I give up.
- That's a lot of omelets. - It's too many eggs.
It's not one chicken
that's produced all those.
Wait. I thought you didn't want to do that one.
Well, I mean...
He requested it.
What?
We should tour.
Yeah.
You and me, we should tour.
We should do like, you know, back in the day, small venues.
It's... It's...
It's still... It's...
I mean, you feel that, right?
You're right.
- About what? - It's bullshit.
The stuff I'm doing now is bullshit.
I didn't...
It's different. You and me was different.
It was... it was the real deal.
You know what I wrote on my lantern, right?
And I know what you wrote on yours.
- What? - Tell me.
It's none of your business.
Be honest. Just tell me.
- It wasn't about you. - Come on. It was.
I know you.
I know you're not happy.
What? No, you don't.
Making chutney with that cheese ball.
Don't talk about him like that. You don't know him.
I know that you miss this, us.
I'm... I'm not having this conversation, Herb.
Or you couldn't sing those songs.
Not like that.
They're just songs, Herb.
They're our songs.
Tell me I'm wrong, then.
I missed our music.
Not us.
It's the same thing.
It has to be.
That's all there is.
I still love you, Nell.
I shouldn't have come. I...
You... you knew what would happen.
- I didn't. I just... - Of course you did.
- No, I didn't. I just... - That's why you came. You...
I'm all over the place at the moment and...
pr... pregnant.
So... so I'm not getting into your bullshit, Herb, again.
I'm just not.
And you don't love me, okay?
You love the past.
And it was great... it was... but it's gone now.
It's time to grow up, Chris.
Nell?
Hello?
Charles?
Um, thanks for the hair.
It's the least I could do.
- I'm so sorry. - No. No, no, no. Honestly.
Stop it. I'm sorry.
Um...
We just couldn't, you know, get her back.
I thought we could.
I thought I could have the music without, you know,
the other stuff, but I just couldn't.
I don't think I helped matters per se.
Just in the old planning department.
Communications-wise, just...
Well, you know for next time, when you invite Fleetwood Mac.
Oh. Fleetwood Mac.
Not so much, no. Um...
No, it was always McGwyer Mortimer.
Marie's favorite.
She was, uh...
She loved you before she, um...
When did she die?
Five years ago, yeah, tomorrow.
Hence the gig.
Anyway, we should, um,
get a wiggle on, just boat-wise.
- He's the one you want. - Oh, God, yeah. Yes.
No, I mean... well, I mean...
No, no, no. No, I don't... I want both of you.
- No, I know. - Yeah, no.
For the harmonies, obviously.
- Yeah. - Famously.
You know what you need to do.
The Nell Mortimer solo album.
Yes.
No, it's a bad time.
Maybe that's where I come in.
The Kraken wakes.
- Is that... Is she on there? - Nell.
She, um...
She apologizes for sneaking off.
She just didn't feel she could quite get there musically.
I mean, I disagree... of course I do...
but I guess you arty types
are cut from slightly different cloth than I.
She, um...
Completely.
No, completely agree, Herb.
What do you think we're thinking, gig-wise, Herb?
Because from my POV, the show certainly can go on.
I mean, if you're happy to, um, play on your tod, as 'twere.
Herb.
Are you winding me up?
You've ruined my life.
- Have I? - I mean...
This is...
What have you done?
I don't know. What, uh...
I haven't seen her for nine years.
Before you engineer this,
chuck money at us,
throw us back together for your entertainment.
No, for the music, though, isn't it, huh?
Dripping shit into my ear.
When have I done that? Come on.
How we're so good together.
- You are. - We should be together.
But you should be. Musically, you should be.
- Come on, Herb. - Playing us like marionettes.
- No. - Yes.
- Herb, no. - Yes.
This was the plan all along, wasn't it?
- No, sir. - Get me dancing to your tune.
Shove your bloody hand up my ****.
I certainly do not want to shove it up there,
- thank you very much. - You're-you're like
- a cut-price Geppetto, mate. - I'm not.
That's all you are.
- Well, I'm not, you know... - Mm-hmm.
I'm not Pinocchio.
I know.
You're a real boy.
You've ruined my life.
I wish you'd stop staying that.
- You've ruined my life. - Herb.
I wish you'd stop staying that. Herb!
There is one at 5:00, but, um,
I don't think Peter will be, uh...
He tends not to risk it when the storm's up.
Um...
I mean, I would phone ahead,
but, um...
obviously, once you're at the phone box, I mean,
you're more or less there anyway, aren't you, so, uh...
The plectrum.
That's my guitar, you see.
Which, I mean, obviously, you can, um...
It feels appropriate that you...
Want a hand, Herb?
You all right, Herb?
Yeah, but can we charter one?
Charter.
It's just another word for "hire."
Could we hire a boat that can go in bad weather?
No, the gig's off, man. I'm not doing it.
Yeah, I know we need the money, Zeb.
I just...
Well, maybe I won't do the album, then.
I don't know.
Yeah, I'm serious.
Yes.
Yes, I saw it. I hate it.
Did they whiten my teeth?
On the image.
No.
No, it's not okay, no.
Because...
Because artists don't whiten their teeth, Zeb.
That's, like, the definition of an artist.
I don't know.
Because there isn't a boat, Zeb!
When there's a boat, I know when I'll be back!
Raining, is it?
Yeah. Um...
do you sell towels?
I got kitchen towels.
Okay.
Um, do you know?
Uh, two of those.
- Thanks. - Ta.
Leaving again?
Trying to.
Actually, um, could I leave my stuff here?
I'm getting the morning boat,
and I don't want to have to lug it all the way back to...
where I'm staying.
Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
Everything okay?
Um...
My son, he knows you.
He played me "Raspberry Fair."
I liked it.
Cool. Thank you.
Herb, it's Charles.
Obviously.
Just to say I-I left a bowl of soup outside your door.
In case you want it.
- No, thanks. - Well, it's there.
I mean...
just so you don't step in it, was my point.
I don't want it.
And, Herb, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.
I really didn't mean to do whatever it is that I've done.
I guess it's one of them, Herb.
Some things...
Some things, you just can't get back.
Help yourself.
I made coffee.
Thanks. Yeah, I didn't know you were...
- Just got back this morning. - Oh.
Uh, did you... did you see your puffin?
I saw a whole circus.
That's the term... a circus of puffins.
Great.
Hear the gig went well.
Charlie says you brought it forward a couple days.
I'm sorry I missed it.
But I suppose he wanted it to be a private thing.
I mean, that's what he paid for, so...
Yeah. I guess so.
I'm just glad it all worked out.
Yeah. Uh, me, too.
I mean, I know what happened.
I see you, Herb McGwyer.
See right through you.
And I get it.
All the stuff since Nell...
the collaborations, collabs...
it's embarrassing.
I mean, look at you.
You're a joke.
Guess we'd better get this boat, huh?
Thanks for everything, Charlie boy.
- Fare thee well. - Oh.
- Fare ye well indeed. - Fare thee well.
And love to Nell, of course.
No, no, no.
No.
Herb!
No, Herb!
Oh, my God, Herb. Herb!
Herb!
Come on.
Herb! Herb! Herb!
Oh, mercy me.
That's cold. Herb!
What are you doing?
Herb, don't do it!
Herb!
Herb! I'm gonna save you!
No!
Don't do it, Herb!
Herb!
Help me!
Herb!
Help me, Herb!
Charles!
Oh, my God.
Thank God you're okay!
What were you doing?
Oh, thank God you're okay, Herb!
You were the one shouting for help, Charles.
This was filling up. It's...
It's like swimming with an anvil, Herb.
No, no, I mean why... why were you out here?
You can stand up.
Why were you here?!
I was just swimming.
I thought it was more of a...
I was worried it was a situation.
What? What situation?
- Situation! - Wh-What do you mean?
Like a bad one, basically!
Well, it was pretty drowny out there for a minute.
I was just swimming, Charles.
Yeah, in your knick-knocks.
It doesn't exactly instill confidence, does it?
- You okay? - No.
You missed your boat.
I'll get a later one. There's a boat at 5:00.
Sometimes. Sometimes.
Why don't you stay? Just stay... one night,
and we'll have dinner.
I-I have a halibut.
Hell of a halibut.
- Did you, um... - We'll eat that, break bread.
Did you pay Nell anyway?
I'll pay you, too, Herb. I... You don't have to do the gig.
I'll pay you, too. I-I-I'll pay you, too.
And then tomorrow you set sail,
you-you-you set off with the money.
Take the money and run.
Well, that's my indecent proposal.
Decent proposal, really.
It's not a bad one.
Just don't suddenly go swimming, man,
in your underpants.
Zeb.
Hey. I, um...
I was just about to call you.
Yeah, I know. Um, I-I guess the rice.
Back from the dead.
Well, I mean, that's, um...
Finally.
Right, then, old friend.
Let's get you over with.
Oh, um...
- Hello. - Hello.
- I'm sorry I'm so late. - It's all right.
Sorry. In what way late?
Oh, for the, um...
uh, for this.
Uh...
He, uh... he dropped it off.
Your friend. Uh, I can't remember his name.
- Herb. - Herb.
He's doing the bloody gig.
Herb is.
Oh, my God. Herb, mate, what you doing?
He's doing it.
Oh, crikey.
I've just baked an entire halibut.
Uh, have it after.
Got to be, hasn't it?
Gig, then fish.
- Delish. - Delish.
Flask.
Sorry. Just gonna get a thermos flask for the gig.
Oh.
It's started.
Don't crunch them.
- All right. - Hello.
Thought you weren't coming.
Oh, God.
- Yes, please. Yes, please. - Thank you.
Thanks very much.
Okay, Wallis Island, how you feeling?
Well, well, well, fantastic, Herb.
We'll start with a couple old classics.
- Yes. - Um, and this is
track number five from our first album, Morning Haze.
- Okay, Charl... - "Raspberry Fair"!
- Thank-thank you, Charles. - Correctamundo.
Uh, you-you know this one, Amanda, at least.
Everybody now!
Careful.
- Oh, sorry. - Oh, that's bright.
- Whoo! - Yes, please, Herb!
Oh!
- It had to end. - There we go.
All good things, Herb. Another one of them.
Another one of them, Herb!
So, this is a song about lost love,
and it's the last time I'm ever gonna play this.
So I hope you're listening, Marie.
That's lovely, in't it?
Just the sheer...
majesty of it, power.
It is a serious contender, isn't it?
Shh.
It...
Yeah, shh.
The waves.
No, shh like...
- Shut up? - Don't say anything.
Yeah. Sling your hook.
- Just take it in, Charles. - Take it in. Drink it in.
Glug, glug.
Water, water everywhere.
You would be absolutely bonkers, well, to drink it.
Well, you would be.
Packed full of salt.
- Ah, yes. - Right, well, don't forget
- your, uh... There you are. - Yeah.
- You got it? The money. - Yeah.
The magnificent moola.
Oh. Love that.
Herb McGwyer with the ocean.
If you could see yourself now.
Well, you wouldn't be there. You...
Shut up.
Shut up and shove off, Charles.
- Thank you, Charles. - Oh, God, right.
We're doing that, are we?
Thank you, Charles.
Thank you, Herb, really.
Really.
Okay.
- Okay. - Okay.
There he is.
Herb McGwyer.
Legend.
Waving.
Oh, wave back.
The double.
Right.
A little bit of lunch, methinks.
First, breakfast.
The thorny issue of breakfast.
Okay, this is, um,
"The Ballad of Wallis Island" by Chris Pinner.
Take one.