Some people are born winners.
Tom Brady,
LeBron James,
Joey Chestnut
and also me.
My name is Dusty Boyd,
but most people on planet Earth know me as The Hammer.
My dad gave me that nickname before he even told me my real name.
Yeah, that's the way to go, Hammer. Yeah.
And he trained me like a tennis racehorse.
Cardio, strength training, taping tennis rackets to my hands.
My dad wasn't like other dads.
He didn't teach me how to read. He taught me how to hit.
We're on our way, Hammer!
And it worked. I broke every single USTA junior record.
Wins, aces, shutouts. You name it, they were mine.
And soon the world took notice.
No, Dave. I don't hit hard.
I hit the hardest.
And before I even graduated high school,
- I lived out me and my dad's dream. - Dusty, over here!
- I turned pro. - Right here! Dusty, over here!
And that, my friends, is my incredible true story.
So, does anybody have any questions?
Yeah, are we ever gonna hit a ******* ball?
This lesson sucks ***.
I meant does anybody have any questions about the story that I was just telling?
And that was very clear, wasn't it?
Very clear story. And I've actually got a question, King.
This is what I was looking for. PJ, go ahead.
Why does it still give me chills every **** time I hear it?
- Gives me chills too. - Seriously, I think, like,
- you're one of the best-- - If you're so good,
how come you work for your dad teaching nine-year-olds?
I think these punks need to hear the Andy Roddick story.
- Oh, you do, do you? - Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Please don't tell another story. - Vero Beach Classic.
Oh, my God!
The year was 2000. Me versus Andy Roddick.
He was technically the bigger name, but everybody was there to see me.
Love you, Hammer!
We'd played a couple times as amateurs.
And every time I saw him, I used to cream his ***.
No other way to say it.
Pretty sure there is.
But this was the first time meeting as professionals.
- And I was crushing him. - Yes.
Way to go, Hammer.
That's my son.
That's where evil Mr. Andy decided to play dirty.
Yeah. He tried to ice me by taking a bathroom break.
So I ran down there to confront him.
Slipped on a wet spot.
- And shattered my wrist. - Ow!
Roddick!
And in doing so, I shattered my very promising career.
- What? - Obviously, Andy Frauddick,
he'd slicked down the floor with some type of substance.
And that means that all of Roddick's professional achievements,
like winning the US Open and marrying supermodel Brooklyn Decker,
those are all actually Dusty's.
That's actually a really interesting idea.
- I'd never thought of that. I guess-- - I'm sorry.
How does that make his accomplishments yours again?
Yeah, I'm struggling to connect those dots as well.
Well, maybe you need to go to dot-connecting lessons.
Nice burn.
Anyway, I'm done talking to you guys. I've gotten very bored.
I don't think you're gonna learn the lessons.
So you guys wanna hit some tennis ***** or what?
- Yes. Finally. Oh, my God! Please. - Yes. Please.
One second.
Something I need to do.
- Hey! - Sorry about that.
- Little help? - Yeah. My pleasure.
Here's your pickleball.
In the garbage!
This is a tennis club, lady.
- *******! - I heard that.
Good. I wanted you to. That's why I said it so loudly.
Okay, pickleball lady. Let's do this.
Peej. I have a game.
You like games. You play pickleball, right?
- See this quarter? - Yes.
Place it anywhere you want on the court and I got one shot to hit it.
If I hit it, you're banned for life.
And if I miss, I will waive your membership fees for a year.
Oh. I'm banned?
Well, it doesn't matter because I'm not a member here.
I'm just taking a lesson.
So let's do this. I'll sweeten the deal.
If I miss this shot,
I'll toss in these.
Dusty, no. Not your 1999 Buick LeSabre?
Yes. I will toss in my 1999 Buick LeSabre with under 200,000 miles on it.
Now I'm torn.
Don't really wanna talk to you anymore, but I do wanna see if you can hit it.
What to do? Okay.
Let's play.
Anywhere?
Anywhere you want.
I choose there.
Tricky. In the corner.
Yes!
Get out! Get out! Get out!
Jesus.
Get your pickleball *** out of here.
Before you go.
Smile, you're banned.
Whatever. Man.
Yeah!
Can you read what it says on my nameplate, Dusty?
Of course I can, Dad.
It says, "Chuck Boyd. President of Tennis Operations."
Holy ****.
- Sounds like a pretty important guy, huh? - Yeah.
Not that type who'd wanna see his son dressing like a slob, showing up late,
- banning people from the club. - Right.
You know, the truth is it's not just you.
This whole club's heading down a bad path and I'm about to right the ship.
I'm hosting a dinner tonight for all the top brass and you as well.
Top brass and I'll be there.
**** right, you will. And you will not embarrass me.
You will show up on time, you won't wear some stupid headband,
and you'll bring a plus-one to show these people
I did not raise some kind of hopeless loser.
Yes, sir.
You free tonight, my man?
Let me think about that.
Not him!
Bring that girl you've been seeing. You know, the pretty one.
Unfortunately, Marisa and I… We broke up.
Well, go over and apologize and get her back.
- It's complicated. - Go.
Okay. I feel like we spent this whole time talking about me.
How are you doing?
I'm gonna get going. I'm gonna go do what you asked me to do.
Come on. You got it.
Well, well, well.
Look who came crawling back like I knew he would.
- Nope. Changed my mind. Not doing this. - Wait!
- No, I can't do this, Marisa. - Yes, you can.
- No, I actually can't. - Come back.
What do you want?
- I need a favor. - Okay.
I need you to pretend we're back together for one night
and come to a dinner at my dad's house.
Oh, my God!
You boys love your little games, don't you?
One minute, I'm the worst person ever. You never wanna see me again.
I believe you even called me "unfaithful."
I called you that, Marisa, because you cheated on me.
Dusty?
- What? - It was one time.
It was eight times.
Yeah, but it was with one guy.
It was with nine guys!
Oh, my God.
What, are you Rain Man? You remember everything.
Look, Marisa, will you please just do me this favor?
- Please. - Okay, fine.
Thank you.
Yeah, it's so true.
Have you read anything by that author Malcolm Gladwell?
His piece about The Beatles being good because they practiced.
Well, it knocked me on my goddamn ***.
No, I think about it constantly.
- Really? - Yeah. I'm serious.
- Dad, look who I brought. - Marisa.
I hope we're not late, Chuck.
We were trying to make you a grandson.
Well, actually, you're not late at all for a change, dirty dog.
I'm a dirty dog.
- I just love the way *** feels… - Yeah.
…with my girlfriend.
Very good.
- Please, have a seat, everyone. - Please, have a seat.
- Thank you for having us, sir. - Yeah.
Tennis.
Elegance.
Aesthetic perfection.
But tennis isn't just a sport.
She's a living, breathing animal,
and she needs our protection.
An epidemic is sweeping across our once great nation.
And its name is…
pickleball.
- The novel coronavirus of sports. - Yeah.
We gave these clowns Mountain Crest's worst court
as a sort of hand sanitizer/mask type of deal.
And now these pickleballers want more courts.
I can't hold off the expansion vote much longer.
And if we lose, the spread may never stop.
Our club is one of the final strongholds.
We have a responsibility to become the vaccine
so that someday we can completely stop talking about them.
Even if they still exist in similar numbers.
- The end. - Well…
- Wow. - That was great, Dad.
The metaphor held up the whole **** time, Chuck.
But, Chuck, if these jokers have the numbers,
I mean, what can we even do?
I'll tell you what we can do, Gary. We can duel.
Like with guns?
Sadly, no.
With tennis rackets.
I made a discovery in the club charter.
We can sidestep the vote with a duel match.
Each side picks a champion, and we settle it on the tennis court.
- Well, that's a neat rule. - Great.
Gosh, what did… What did they used to duel over?
- Things like this, bylaws and stuff. - What kinda stuff?
Just stuff.
You know, what… what's allowed, what isn't,
who can join the club, etcetera.
Who couldn't join before?
I don't know, Kris.
It's an old club. I don't have a whole list in front of me.
The rule is a good rule. It's helping us now.
Okay? It's a good rule.
- Just drop it. - What… Just who couldn't--
I know. But I would just say with my dad…
- Let's eat. - …just drop it. Let's eat.
- So, all right. - Great.
Well, let's talk some strategy.
The pickleballers will put Skip in the duel.
- Oh, God. - And he used to be
a **** of a tennis player before he went to the dark side.
So, who do we throw at him?
Well, the club tourney's this weekend. Maybe we do a little scouting?
Yeah, and whoever wins that should probably be our guy.
What, is this a joke?
Very funny.
Of course, I'll do it. I'll play.
It isn't gonna be you.
Of course it's gonna be me. Who else is it gonna be?
Hey, Gary. Would you please tell my dad that I'm the best player at the club?
Actually, I have to pop into the kitchen and check on my cobbler.
- Your cobbler? - Yeah, I put a liqueur in it so--
It's nothing personal, Son. We just can't trust you.
I mean, even Gene knows that.
- Me? - Gene, tell him.
What… What's that, Gary?
He didn't say anything.
I think Gary needs help with that cobbler.
- How is this even a discussion? - Coming, Gary.
I was on the pro tour.
And what do you have to show for it?
Some stories of being stomped on by players who actually delivered.
Boy, that must be one big old ******* of a cobbler.
No such thing as too much help.
You're not a winner.
Come on, hon. Gotta do some CPR. Cobbler Pie Resuscitation.
Dad, can I talk to you for a second?
- I don't see any cobbler. - Shush!
This is ridiculous, Dad. I'm the best player and you know it.
Well, then prove it. Win the club tourney.
Give me a break. I haven't done those since I was a kid.
It's just a bunch of dentists and ****.
Well, it should be easy for you. Win the tourney, you'll be my choice.
Fair enough?
Yeah, fair enough.
How you feeling, King?
Disrespected.
I won't be long.
When you **** off The Hammer, everyone's a nail.
You're crushing these old people, Dusty.
- **** it! - Yes, King!
****, ****, ****.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah!
We're at match point, everybody. Where do you guys want it?
Neil, you pick. It's your funeral, honey. Where do you want it?
Just get it over with.
That's right, *******. The king remains the king.
Hey, Neil, you stay there.
You look tired enough. I'll come to you, okay?
- Thank you so much. - Check this **** out.
My wrist!
Looks like you didn't quite make it over the net there.
Hurt your wrist again?
I'm going with Neil for the duel.
Thanks, Chuck.
But you said if I won.
I also said I couldn't trust you.
And you proved me right once again.
Come on, man.
Well, good game, *******.
So, are you ***ually active, Dusty?
Yeah, but I'm more just here for the wrist.
Right, right, the wrist. Seems you reaggravated an old scaphoid injury
trying to jump over a tennis net to impress your friend PJ.
- Was that right? - My chart says that?
No, your dad told me. We talk a lot.
Yeah, this isn't even your paperwork, actually.
- But… - Let me take a look.
I just gotta get back on the court and show my dad he can still count on me.
- How does this feel? Okay. - It hurts.
- It's not broken… - Right.
…but there is a lot of inflammation.
You know, there is a sport that's way easier on your joints
that could help you stay loose while you heal.
Really? And it'll help me get back to tennis?
- Yeah. - What is it?
- Pickleball. - I could punch you in the face right now.
Okay. Listen. I injured my shoulder last year.
- I'm telling you that game saved my life. - Really?
- What happened to your shoulder? - Got bit.
- By an animal? - No, by a person.
Listen, I know pickleball is sort of dorky,
but it's the fastest road back to tennis for you.
And it's really fun.
Give it a shot. Play one time.
- See if you like it. - I'm not gonna play.
But maybe you could, I don't know, hook me up with something for the pain.
I'm not that kinda doctor, Dusty.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'm gonna get you a brace and I will write you up a little something, okay?
- My man. Thank you. - Yeah.
But do me a favor.
Is this some kind of a joke? I can't fill this.
Why not?
You wrote a prescription for pickleball?
Yeah, I thought it'd be kinda cute.
You didn't actually bring it to the pharmacy, did you?
No. Of course not. I'm not an idiot.
How is the Sticky Honey thing working out?
'Cause if you use my referral code, we get ten extra sticky points.
Okay.
Let's go private.
Okay.
Pickle mixer?
That is not cool.
Sign up.
You're the man.
Hit it. I'm gonna get it.
Oh, no.
There's a new guy.
Fresh pickle.
Like, don't waste time. I can't stand that when people are late.
You know, if you gonna play, play. If you don't wanna go, don't sign up.
Look who decided to join us.
Hey, kid. Where you think you're going?
You're the new sign-up, right?
Yeah, there's just been a little bit of a misunderstanding.
Are you Dustin Boyd?
Yeah. I'm… I am. But I didn't sign up--
You're our fourth. Come on in here. Let's be pickle pals.
I signed up, but not for this. It was just a technolog--
Cut the ****, kid.
You didn't think you'd be playing with a bunch of old ladies,
so you're trying to bail.
But we don't have numbers without you.
And I came to get a sweat, *****.
So, I play with Judy, you play with Candace. Let's go.
Hi, I'm Candace.
Is that a 1999 Buick LeSabre you pulled up in?
I always wanted one of those.
Yes, it is. And it's under 200,000 miles.
And look, I'm sorry about the whole, you know--
My banishment?
Yeah, sorry about that.
I'm over it. Just make it up to me on the court.
- That I can do. - Are you guys ready?
Give us just a second.
I'm assuming this is your first time playing.
Well, I think it's gonna be just fine.
I'm a former tennis pro, so I'm not really sweating pickleball.
It's not tennis.
I know, it's pickleball. It's even worse.
Okay, okay. So, that light blue area is the no-volley zone or the kitchen line.
You can't step over that line unless somebody hits--
Okay. Look, I give the lessons. I don't take 'em.
Yeah, I saw the lessons you give. We should go over this.
Look, I hate to lose.
Then we have one thing in common. 'Cause so do I.
- Okay. - I'm hot. Let's bang one out.
- Let's go. - Let's do this.
Come on.
You know we serve underhand?
What's that?
- Underhand only. - No, I know, obviously.
- Okay. - Warming up my arm.
Figured you knew.
Let's go.
Oh, brother.
Your guys' serve. You gotta serve it underhand though.
0-0-1.
Easy, tiger. You don't have to swing so hard.
Actually, lady, I do.
Is that Daffy Duck?
No, it's a hammer.
'Cause I'm powerful.
- Okay. - 1-0-1.
Take it. Nice.
- Nice. - Bang!
Mine. Mine!
Oh, yeah!
Got any jokes about that, ladies?
Actually, yes.
Your foot was in the kitchen.
Actually, your whole body was in the kitchen.
It's their point.
A lot of times we'll say something like,
"Hey, chef, grab me a snack when you're in there." Or…
Do the dishes while you're in there, *****.
Do the dishes while you're in there,
- *****. - In there, *****.
- Do the dishes while you're in there. - Yeah, Gail says that one mostly.
Or sometimes I like to say, "Where's the butter knife?"
Because sometimes you go into the kitchen and you get a pat of butter,
and you get a-a muffin,
and you go sit on your favorite couch to watch your favorite TV show,
and you look down and you just have a muffin and a pat of butter, and--
Okay, I got it. Enough. Enough.
*****, get on them dishes.
- Stop calling me a *****. - *****, get on them dishes.
- Just stay out of the **** kitchen. - Fine!
- Net! - Come on!
Don't have to hit it that hard.
**** it!
You're making improvements, Dusty!
Does he not get it?
- ********. - You gon' put a hole in that net!
Get it, get it.
Get it, get it, get it, get it.
That went far. Great hit!
That was a great hit.
What are you thinking, man? Home run!
That's in. That's in.
That was out!
That was not out. That was in!
It hit the line! It was in!
Are you blind? It was clearly in!
But it was out.
I'm gonna kill this woman!
- Let's go, serve it. - Wait a minute.
- What? I'm fine. - Take the temperature down. Two seconds.
- You take the temperature down. - You'll play better.
Yeah!
**** it, lady!
Stop swinging so hard. Come on, this is game point.
No, I know, I know. I got it, I got it.
- We need this. - It's gonna be fine.
- I can't believe that this is happening. - Game point.
This is shocking.
I'm so much better than them.
Get it.
Nice.
- I got it. - Get back!
Dink!
- Yes! Yes! - Did you just call me a dink, Gail?
Did you just call me a dink?
If anyone's a dink, you're the goddamn dink, Gail!
That's game, baby!
You've got dink written all over your face. I'm no dink!
- Dusty. - What? She called me a dink!
Right. The name of the fricking shot is the dink.
- I know! She called me a dink and I'm-- - She wasn't calling you a dink!
- She just called me a dink! - She was talking about the shot!
I know, because the shot's called a dink. That's what I was saying!
Calm down!
- Everybody thinks you're freaking out! - You calm down.
- Calm down! You're being a sore loser! - No one thinks I'm freaking out.
- Does anyone think I'm freaking out? - You're being a sore loser!
- Everybody-- - They're all saying no!
I hate this stupid game!
I'm leaving!
- Hey, kid! - What?
You want a rematch?
Yes, I'd like that opportunity.
Loser buys lunch!
Gracias.
Boy, when I woke up this morning,
I had no idea that I'd be getting treated to tacos by the Harry Styles.
- Harry Styles. - I don't know.
I think he's got a Chalamet thing going on.
Do you get that all the time?
Do I get Timothée Chalamet?
No, never once in my life.
How do you guys know each other? What's this group of friends?
Well, I used to be Gail's personal assistant.
She was a big time lawyer up until the "incident."
Yeah, it was a misunderstanding.
She punched a cop.
I didn't know he was a cop at the time.
He was wearing a uniform.
Whose side are you on anyway?
The cop's, and I said so at the trial.
You work with them too?
I'm the new kid. Just a pickleball friend.
This is one of the 10,000 hobbies she took up
after she got divorced and went crazy.
- I did not go crazy! No. - Yes, you did. Yes, you did.
I experienced the classic stages of a breakup
that every woman experiences at some point.
She bought a big, fat snake.
You bought a big, fat snake?
I thought maybe I could be one of those people
you see with a snake around their neck at the grocery store.
How'd that work out for ya?
Not good. Not good at all.
Yeah, I'm sure.
- What? - All right.
You know what? This was really weird,
- but I do… And fun. I had a good time. - And fun.
Thank you guys for the game, but I gotta boogie.
- I appreciate ya. - Hey. Wait.
Actually, could you give me a ride home?
Couldn't your friends do it?
Not me, I walked.
I rode my scooter.
Race you to the Buick.
Okay.
But we have to do this again.
By this, I mean, you lose and buy us tacos.
Look at that face!
Thank you!
Hey, you should play again.
You could be a great pickleballer.
A great pickleballer? I pass.
Why? Just because the name sucks, and it looks kind of dorky,
and most people out there are out of shape and have never played a sport before?
Yes, those are the exact reasons.
But that is why we could dominate, Dusty.
It could be such a bloodbath.
It's just not for me. It's just a little bit too goofy for me.
Okay, I got it.
Wow. I cannot believe you would gamble with a machine like this.
- Okay. Okay. - She's a beauty.
- It's got a cigarette lighter… - Okay.
- …a tape deck, a manual recline lever. - Yeah.
Wow!
This is it.
Right here?
- Yep. - All right.
Anyhoo, thanks for the ride.
Hey, gimme your phone.
For what?
Just gimme.
What are you doing?
Now you have my number for when you change your mind
and wanna come play pickleball with me.
- Thanks again. - You got it.
Remember, Dusty, we could dominate.
Bloodbath!
Why did we have to drive 45 minutes to a sporting goods store?
They have all this stuff at the pro shop.
Well, better selection.
Plus, I feel like we don't get to spend enough quality time together.
Yeah, I've been thinking that as well.
Here it is.
Look at this. Pickleball.
So stupid.
Yo, imagine if I bought one of these
as like a goof on the salesperson or whatever.
I don't even know where to laugh.
- Picture this. - Yeah.
- It's me, but I'm actually buying… - Yeah.
Good, they have it.
Okay, this paddle right here, but with a totally straight face.
Okay, I just got it.
It's like kind of alternative style comedy…
- Yes. Walk up there… - … like Andy Kaufman.
But I'm gonna actually buy it and take it home.
So give me, like, literally one second to see which one's the funniest.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay. - It's Andy. Andy!
This would be the funniest. So I'll bet with the total--
Dusty, look.
It's fricking Roddick.
- Andy! - Hi, Andy.
How are you? Nice to see you.
You know what we should do as a joke?
We should crawl outta here and sneak out the back.
Joking time's over, Dusty.
- Look at him, acting all ****y. - Yeah.
- We gotta go rattle his cage, man. - I would.
You know I would, but we wasted so much time on your stupid prank thing,
we don't have the time. We gotta get back to work.
You have to! You're out here doing groundbreaking guerrilla comedy.
Meanwhile, he's reduced to signing some random book like a loser.
That's not a random book, it's his book. He wrote it. That's not--
- But it should be your book, Dusty. - I agree.
These are your stories. You won the Opens.
Take a breath. Don't get hot. Don't get… PJ, I know you're…
- Yo, Roddick! - No!
Andy! Hey, brother.
Dusty. Dusty Boyd. Hammer.
- Oh, yeah, mate. Chuck's son. Yeah. - Yeah, Chuck's son.
- Yeah, good seeing you, brother. - Good to see you. It's been a while.
How's your dad doing? Is… At the same club?
We both are still at the club, actually.
- You work for him? - No, I work with him.
We kinda co-run the place.
Why does your shirt say, "Junior Tennis Instructor"?
That didn't exactly sound like begging for forgiveness, Andy.
- I'd slow down with that. - You wanna try again?
What's he talking about?
He's talking about the 2000 Vero Beach Classic.
This pimp had you dead to rights.
2000, I won that year, and who's the pimp?
- He's the pimp! - Not a pimp.
I'm sorry, I'm so lost.
How'd you slick the floor down? Grease? Oil?
A third, more sinister option?
I'm so confused.
It's just my friend's getting a little hot--
You're such a liar.
You kiss Brooklyn Decker with that lying tongue?
I mean, I do. She loves it. But I'm not lying.
- Anyways, man, it was good to see you. - You too, Andy.
- Tell your old man I said hello. Okay. - Will do. Great to see you, man.
- Congrats on the book. Yeah. - Cheers, thanks.
Dusty, I've realized that you haven't been completely honest with me.
Roddick's an even bigger ******** than you said.
Yeah.
Yeah. Thanks, Peej.
- I mean, he's totally lying. - Yeah.
So frustrating, right?
That's annoying as ****.
Agreed.
Two promising young players here.
Boyd has dominated the Juniors with his powerful serve,
but will that translate here at the pro level?
Wow, sure did not on that point,
but Roddick may have just gotten lucky with timing.
Well, I guess he didn't get lucky after all.
Roddick just seems to be a way better tennis player.
This is when it's got to be tough to have your dad as a coach.
It's moments like this that make me glad I grew up without a father.
Oh, no.
- No, no, no, no, no. - Go on.
Boyd seems to be running off the court?
Possible there is some kind of medical issue,
or maybe after all that hype, the pressure is just too much for him.
That is a tough thing to see in a debut.
All right, match point.
Oh, yes.
I'm gonna get ya.
Still got it! Yes!
Would've been easier to have won that with a dink, you know?
Never gonna happen. No.
Well, that was easily the best game
against a woman three decades older than you I've seen you play.
Yeah, easily.
- Yeah! Yes! - You're so proud of yourself.
Well, I haven't been getting a lot of wins lately.
- Sad. - It feels good.
No, I know. Me neither.
- Take 'em where we can get 'em. Cheers. - Oh, yeah. ****, yeah.
God.
Eleven missed calls from my ex.
Eleven?
Don't ask. Don't wanna talk about it.
I get it.
There's an event that we go to together every year,
and he's calling me to ask me if he can bring his new girlfriend to it.
That *****.
No, she's actually a really nice person.
- She is? Well, that's great. - I hate her 50-year-old guts so much.
I'll be honest, I don't know what you're looking for with this story.
- I know, I know it's confusing. - Yeah.
Well, here's the thing.
When I left him, I thought that I was gonna be the winner
- of the divorce. - Sure.
But now he's parading her all around, and I'm still single.
- And so I, of course, cannot… - And that hurts.
…show my face there.
- You're not gonna go. - No.
- That sucks. - Yeah.
- But why'd you leave him? - He was just such a child.
He had no aspirations.
He didn't have many friends, just one weird friend really,
who just was, "Yes, yes, yes" to everything he said.
He was sort of a ****-up.
And he was always telling these boring, boring stories about his glory days.
He doesn't sound so bad.
The truth is,
I would've put up with all that if he'd ever just shown up for me.
Hey!
You two gonna hog the court and gab all night
or you looking to run some pickle?
We'll run some pickle!
- Is that okay with you? - Yeah.
- We'll be partners. - Yep.
- Let's do it. - What are they though?
- Yes! - Uh-huh, uh-huh.
I can't with these two. I honestly can't do another second.
- Listen. Okay, they're grunters. - What?
- You think? - I've played people like this before,
and the only way to beat them is to out-grunt them.
Or we could beat them by being better players, which we are.
No, that'll never work. We have to do it my way.
Grunt with me, Dusty.
And the more erotic, the better.
You can strategize all you want, but it's not gonna help.
Yeah, everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.
- Let's just play. - Okay.
- All right. Let's play. - Okay.
Whatever it takes, right?
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Ay, papi!
Oh, my God!
- Yeah! - Yeah!
How about this? When I yell switch, just switch.
Well, we wouldn't have to switch so much
if your ***** *** wasn't playing that patty-cake ********.
- Come on. - Admit it, now that was fun!
Candace, it was a blast!
- Right? - And we won!
- We won! - You won!
- We both got a win.
Hey, I think you should go to that thing.
- What? - The thing with your ex
that you were talking about, with his new girlfriend.
You should go.
- No. - What is it?
It's a charity fundraiser at this honky-tonk I love.
You can skip that. Country music sucks ***.
Candace!
I'm so sorry. I don't know what just happened.
- I'm… - I'll tell you what happened.
- You hit me in the face! - I know. I don't know why I did that.
Well, 'cause I said country music sucks ***.
What is happening right now?
You said something that I find upsetting
because that's a real trigger for me.
- It is? - Yes! It's a thing.
Country music fans who live outside the south,
they have a very hard time with this.
They encounter a lot of prejudice just like that,
and it's a serious issue.
This is the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.
Hey, give me your phone.
Give me your phone right now.
What are you gonna do with my phone?
I'm putting in a playlist and you will love this.
- What is it? - It's called "Cowgirl Classics."
Okay, I'm not gonna listen to a "Cowgirl Classics"… Please.
- I think you will. I think you will. - No, I--
What?
- I gotta tell you a secret. - What?
I got a question for you. I can't wrap my head around this.
Are they siblings or a couple?
- I cannot figure it out. - Right?
- 'Cause siblings don't act like that. - It's driving me crazy.
- I think I'm gonna ask 'em. I have to. - You can't. You can't.
- I will never sleep again… - I'm gonna be really embarrassed.
- Excuse me! - No!
Couple or siblings?
- We're partners. - Partners.
Made it worse. Let's get out of here.
Pickleball is this club's future, Chuck.
And, as self-appointed head of this club's pickleball committee,
I have a responsibility to press you about a date for the expansion vote.
We need more courts, Chuck.
That's not the only thing on my mind, Skip.
You know, we lost the tiny paper cup supplier
for the water station?
I am so sorry. I didn't know.
Because you didn't ask.
Anything I can do to help with the cups?
I think you've done enough. You sip and crumple, Skip.
We've all seen it. You're a wasteful little piggy.
Well, this little piggy usually brings a bottle from home.
Usually, but not always.
I'll tell you what. I'll hold the expansion vote this Friday.
Thank you so much.
And I am gonna work on the waste.
I'm gonna sip and reuse.
No more crumple.
- Hey. - Hey.
Pop.
I wouldn't.
What that ******* want? More tiny cups?
Absolute piggy.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that my wrist is feeling really great, Dad.
Yeah, I saw the doc. He said I'll be totally healed
for any big matches coming up.
Not necessary. Neil's our guy.
Right, because of the wrist, but what I'm saying is I'm feeling good
and I'm keeping it loose just in case you wanted the best player.
- The player that actually won. - I don't need the player who won.
I need the player who's going to win.
Chuck! I got it! Hey.
Just wanted to show you that, uh… I have it today.
A Band-Aid on a bullet hole, Skip.
What an absolute idiot.
As if he thinks a Band-Aid is gonna stop a friggin' bullet
from going through just like you said.
'Cause that's a Band-Aid on a bullet hole situation.
Okay, well, I'm gonna boogie.
I'll keep you updated on the wrist, Dad.
Not necessary.
My mind's playing tricks on me.
Did you say, "I love you?"
Joking with you, you goofball.
Unless you did?
Yes!
Did you see that, Dusty?
Unbelievable.
Yes! Yes!
What are you doing on your phone? Are you filming me?
Upload that one to Snapchat.
Eight years old
Couple cane poles Sittin' down by the creek
Lines in the water Watchin' those bobbers
Seein' that red sun sink
Mama's on the porch yellin' "Supper's hot"
"Y'all come and get it"
We yelled, "Five more minutes"
Time rolls by The clock won't stop
I wish I had a few more drops Of the good stuff
The good times
- Oh, but they just keep on flying - But they just keep on flying
Right on by like it ain't nothing
- I wish I had me a, a pause button - Had me a, a pause button
- Moments like those - Moments like this
- Lord knows I'd hit it - Lord knows that I'd hit it
And give myself five more minutes
It's not a lot to ask.
Eighteen, turned my helmet in
Walked to the fifty yard line
- Just the coach and me after we - After all…
Lost state, 10 to 9
It's about the coach.
Next time to get in here I'll have to buy a ticket
- Can't you give me five more minutes? - Five more minutes
Thank you all for coming this afternoon.
The floor is yours, Piggy.
As you all know,
we're only asking for two courts on which to play pickleball.
So I'm gonna keep this short and sweet just like me.
Anyway, the current pickleball court on which we play,
court 16, is completely unacceptable.
The southeast fence is too close,
the baseline corner is warped and cracked,
and all my pickleballers can agree with me
that the leaky fountain leaves a very slippery puddle near the net post.
- Okay. Is that it? - Just a few more things.
Some graffiti left on my house.
It says "Go die, pickle ****."
- Pickle ****. - Pickle ****.
P, who wants to play pickleball?
I, I wanna play pickleball
C, I'll see you on the pickleball court
K, looking kray in my fresh bay shorts
Who's playing pickleball these days?
Oscar winner Jamie Foxx.
Tay Tay.
Tennis was played by Lyle and Erik Menendez
on the day they murdered their parents.
We need these pickleball courts
so that we never have to have another Lyle and Erik Menendez.
- Okay. Is that it? - Yep.
Some interesting points, Skip.
Can we just go to the vote?
Actually, there's no need for the vote.
We know you have the numbers, and it doesn't matter.
- Wait, wait. Chuck, you promised. - Gary is handing out
an excerpt from the club's founding charter.
Rules are rules, Skip.
And in that spirit, I'm invoking a challenge, a duel match.
Then why did you make me do a 90-minute presentation?
I worked two weeks on this.
Well, I guess I forgot to mention it.
- Whoops. - Kind of like how you forget
to bring your water bottle every day, huh, Skip?
Now, both sides must select a champion.
The tennis side submits Neil.
Or whoever. We don't have to pick right now.
But we can because we know who we're picking.
I know, but we don't have to because my recovery is way ahead of schedule.
But it's been decided, so that's irrelevant.
I know, but I just feel like right now--
This meeting is adjourned.
Thank you all.
That was incredible.
No. I don't even care.
- Powerful. - Inspirational.
Heck of a gavel bang, Chuck.
That gavel shook me to my core.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Hey. How'd it go? - The meeting?
Oh, it went so good.
Really, really good.
Oh, good. Glad to hear it.
Yeah.
Also, my dad humiliated me again.
Yeah, this time it was in front of the entire club.
Oh, God. I'm so sorry. That's awful.
Hey, enough about me.
Any chance you're up for some late-night pickleball?
Tonight? No. No.
I'm just… I'm pretty tired.
I was just going to stay in and, you know, watch a movie or something.
That makes sense. I'm really tired too.
I was just going to stay in and watch a movie too.
What movie you gonna watch?
Well, I don't know.
The Graduate's on TCM tonight.
Did you say The Graduate?
Yeah.
I just saw the trailer for that.
You saw the trailer for The Graduate?
It looked so good.
That's what I was probably gonna watch, but I don't have TCM.
Dusty, if you would like to come and watch it, you're welcome.
Although, it is very late.
All right. Well, I got stuff to do too.
I'm pretty slammed over here, but you're a good friend.
You seem lonely. I'll come right now.
Oh, God.
So, did your dad, like, ask for a drumroll and then say, "Anyone but my son"?
I don't want to talk about it.
- That's why I'm here. - Okay.
Since you're here, could I ask your opinion on something?
Yes. What's up?
Well, I took your advice, and I am going to the honky-tonk.
That's great.
I know, but I really want a guy's opinion on the look,
because I want Mitch to kick himself when he sees me.
All right, well, let's see it.
- Okay! Okay. - I'm excited.
Thank you. Thank you.
I'll put it on.
Yeah. Really cool place.
Thanks so much.
Got a lot of stuff.
- So you do pottery? - Yeah.
That's another of my hobbies.
That is a cookie jar.
- This is a cookie jar? - Yeah.
You can't barely fit any cookies in it 'cause of the weird dents.
I know, but it's helpful if you're trying not to eat too much.
- It's a diet cookie jar. - Yes!
Very good, Candace.
And those were unplanned, man. They just happened.
They look unplanned.
If you like that so much, you can take that home.
Thank you, but I got so many of these.
Do you have any hobbies, Dusty?
Yeah, just tennis, I guess.
I mean, that's more of a sport, but…
I can tell you really love it.
Well, I mean I definitely loved it when I was a kid.
Or at least I really loved spending all that time with my dad.
Yeah, it was nice. He really believed in me.
Felt really special.
He kind of put everything into me, and then…
then I blew it.
Well, it sounds to me like he blew it too.
Hey, Candace?
- Yeah? - Is this you in the wedding dress?
No, I saved a photo of another similar woman on her wedding day.
Holy ****.
What do you think?
Uh-oh.
I think you're a knockout.
Good.
- You had me worried there. - No.
Look what I found in my closet.
Just in case you're in the market for a cowboy hat, it's yours.
It used to be Mitch's.
- How's that look? - I think you're pulling that off.
- Look. - Really?
- Yeah. - All right.
- Look at us. - We look cute.
Yeah, we kind of do, right?
- The movie's starting. - Oh, yeah. Let's watch it.
Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me.
This is a great movie.
- I know. - It should be, like, a classic.
- It is. - It is?
- Uh-huh. - Well, it's earned it.
- You look a little shaken up. - Oh, no, no. I'm just…
I'm just a little worried about my future.
Well, I think the kid with the nose, I think he could have a great career.
Dusty, that is Dustin Hoffman.
He's 80.
He looks great.
He's going the wrong way on that bridge. I've been on that exact bridge.
You can still dr…
This is a flub. You can't…
All right. Hey.
Let's get you settled in.
You wanted to see me, boss?
Can I be honest with you?
I wish you would.
You see, PJ,
I'm wrestling with a pretty confusing problem
in…
in a book that I'm currently writing.
No surprises there. You've got the mind for it.
- What's it called? - The name of the book?
Yeah.
The Silent Blade.
- Gorgeous. I'm reading that. - Yeah.
I'm setting a reminder to preorder. Go ahead.
So the main warrior, Puzimbus, is part of this tribe
that he's always been part of.
He then starts hanging out with this other tribe
who he always thought were his enemies.
Twist much?
I literally feel like I'm inside the book right now.
Feel my pulse, it's racing.
So he's kind of living this double life, you know?
Like, he really wants to hang with this new tribe
'cause he really likes them, but he's also kind of embarrassed to be seen with them.
- Yeah. - You know,
there's a character that the main warrior starts catching feelings for,
and she's way older than him.
Absolute dog.
So, PJ, if you were reading The Silent Blade
and Puzimbus switched tribes
'cause he started falling for, like, let's say a dragon
who was 30 years his senior,
would you think less of Puzimbus?
Never gonna shame a guy for going antiquing.
I'm no writer, but if I took the rich world you created
and compare it to my boring life…
- Please. - …based on similar experiences of my own,
if I were with Puzimbus right now, I'd tell him to swing away.
You would, huh? Similar experiences?
You trying to tell me that you've been with an older woman, you dog?
- In a way. - You little sneakster.
Do you know what an objectum-***ual is?
No, but I can't wait to find out.
It's one who has a physical and romantic love for objects
rather than people.
I'm talking about buildings, bridges, vehicles.
I personally am in love with the USS Alabama.
All right, actually,
- you don't have to tell me this-- - No. I want to.
She was constructed in 1939, decommissioned in '47,
declared an historical landmark in 1986.
So, yes, I've been with an older woman,
and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.
You tell Puzimbus that.
Tell him what? That you… you had *** with a retired battleship?
- Exactly. - How'd you even have *** with it?
It's a ship. It doesn't have a ****** or even a butt.
Hey! Get out of the goddamn pool.
It's the middle of the day. You work here.
- We're working right now. - Get out.
That way.
- Candace, you came! - Yes.
- I came. - Yes.
Because I have every right to. Mitch does not own this place.
Of course. I get that, honey.
I'm just glad to see you is all.
Come here.
You look beautiful.
****. Well, have fun.
Hi.
- Hi. - Candy, you made it.
I wasn't sure we'd see you.
I did make it. You are seeing me.
And, as a reminder, you do not own this place.
Okay, sure.
- You remember my Bea, yeah? - Of course.
- Hi. - Hi.
Who could forget famous Bea?
Let me guess. Now you're going to say something nice to me.
Well, I do love your outfit.
There it is. There it is.
Listen, why don't I get us some drinks, and you two can catch up a little bit?
Yeah? Okay.
- Hi. - Hi.
You okay? You seem a little tense.
Nope. I am not tense.
- I am relaxed. - Okay.
- Yeah, that's good to hear.
- Yeah, good to hear. - What's new in your life?
I have a snake.
- It's named Mitch. - All right, beers, everybody.
- Yes, honey. Here you go. Cheers. - Well, okay. To the snake. Yeah.
- Wait. To the snake? - To the snake. You know, it's a snake.
Don't worry about it.
- Okay. - Are you okay?
Candace, honey. Are you all right?
- Okay. I'm not… - You look a little pale.
- I don't think I… - Why don't you just try to sit?
Yeah, yeah. Take a seat. Take a seat, okay?
Talk to me. I can help.
I was an ER nurse after I retired from modeling.
Of course you were.
This was a big mistake.
Howdy.
Dusty.
What are you doing here?
I'm showing up.
Is that him?
Let's do this, right?
- Mitch! That Mitch? - Who's that?
Hi, how are you? I'm the new man.
- Good to meet you. - Uh-huh.
- And you are? Good to meet you, Bea. - Hi, I'm Bea. Yes.
I am so sorry I'm late.
I feel like a real *******.
But bank mergers, right?
They take what they take, am I right?
Oh, yeah. I guess so.
I'm so excited for you two to finally meet.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me too. Yeah, it…
I'm so sorry, sir.
I just got distracted by this unbelievable fox.
Look at you.
You look absolutely beautiful tonight, babe.
You look beautiful too, babe.
Baby.
Are you in my hat?
Well, I'm in a whole lot of your stuff these days, my guy.
Hey, what do you say we do some dancing?
- I'm sorry. We gotta dance. Gotta dance. - We gotta dance.
We'll see you guys out there.
Come on.
How was that?
- We did good. - We did good.
What does he mean, "my stuff"?
She's a Texas girl raised in Tennessee
Apple don't fall far from the tree
Treats my friends like family
And I'm all right with that
She can take the top off Her own beer
She don't need hours staring In the mirror
She can do you in with blue jeans And a baseball cap
I'm talking down on Cooking apple pie with your mama
Sipping moonshine after midnight
Make you wanna take a back road Real slow and let her drive
I bet you wish you had a cowgirl
One that ain't sitting on a high horse
One that ain't scared of a dance floor On an empty night
Cutting it up with all of your friends
I could chase her like a sunset
Spin her around in that white dress
And take her out to a 40-acre lot
Let her pick her favorite spot
I thank God I got a cowgirl
Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.
Dusty, thank you so much for coming tonight.
Are you kidding?
- Thank you! - Me?
- Why? - For everything.
I was in such a bad place in my life, Candace.
I believed in so much ********.
Now I feel…
I don't know, I feel better. I feel like I know what I want.
You do?
- Yeah. - What?
You.
- What? - Come here.
Dusty, no.
- No. - You're nervous.
You're nervous about the age thing. And I get it.
- No, Dusty, stop. - I was too.
- It's not the age thing. It's not. - But guess what? I got over it.
- You're older than me! Big whoop. - I'm not physically attracted to you.
I couldn't hear you. I think you were mumbling.
What did you literally just say?
I said I'm not physically attracted to you.
I thought we were on the same page.
I didn't mean to lead you on.
- I'm sorry. - Oh, no. You didn't lead me on at all.
You just brought me to your house in a vulnerable moment for me
and showed me a movie called The Graduate…
- What? I didn't bring you to my house. - …about a little guy with a big nose…
- You called me. - …who gets courted by an older woman.
Oh, my God.
You called me. You basically invited yourself over.
- Okay. How about the playlist you made? - What about it?
Every song is more provocative than the last.
- Provocative? - "Country Kisses."
- Oh, my God! - "Rodeo Romance."
Those are just famous country songs.
"Square Dance, Round Hole." What's the round hole?
That one I probably should have left off.
Okay, then forget all of that.
Let's say all of that is innocent.
I kissed you in there and you kissed me back.
- Yeah. - And you know it.
So explain that to me.
We were putting on a show for Mitch.
And, yes, I might have gotten a little bit carried away.
But I'm sorry.
And… Oh, God.
I just wanted a pickleball partner, **** it.
Okay.
And I got something so much better.
I got a really, really good friend that I really do love.
- Yeah. - And I'd like to keep it that way.
I'm good.
Thanks.
Dusty, stop. Don't do this.
No, I just don't really need a random pickleball lady friend.
- I'm not random. - I have so many friends.
Friends is not an issue with a guy like me and it never has been.
I'm flooded with friends. I got PJ hitting me up.
I got…
Gail hitting me up all the time.
- Gail? My Gail? - Not your Gail. A different Gail.
Point is I've just got so many people coming through.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a very hot date tonight.
I can't be late for it.
Dusty…
Hey.
Stay strong, brother.
Even cowboys get friend-zoned.
- Okay. - Yeah.
I am not okay
I'm barely getting by
I'm losing track of--
Oh, my God.
I like the new look.
- Really? - Sure.
It's bold.
Well, how's the wrist feeling, bud?
Fine.
I think I'm basically healed. I think I can lose the brace soon.
I love hearing that.
We're gonna need you in top form, Hammer.
- What do you mean "we"? - The club.
When you play in the duel.
Well, are you being serious? What about Neil?
Now, come on, Son. You said it yourself.
The other guys in the club are just dentists and ****.
They don't have the commitment to excellence we Boyd men do.
- That's true. - It's in your blood.
So, are you in?
- Yeah, Dad. I'm in. - Yeah?
- Let's do it. Hammer's back. - Well, all right.
- I won't let you down. - Well, I hope not.
- We're gonna kill 'em. - Yeah, man.
Because this is about a lot more than just pickleball.
- I mean, you see that, don't you? - Oh, yeah. I see it.
Everything you're saying. It's about the club--
No, it's about the decline of humanity itself.
- Decline of humanity itself. - I'm sure that sounds dramatic to you.
- Not to me. - But tennis requires patience.
- Yeah, patience. - Dedication.
- Discipline.
Discipline, for sure.
I've had people tell me that you can learn how to play pickleball
in under an hour,
as if that's a good thing.
But that is not how you build something that lasts.
My legacy is not a tiny paper cup.
I will not let it be sipped and crumpled.
I am building something that will endure, like a steel thermos or a canteen.
You understand that?
Yes, sir. You're a canteen.
I'm not a canteen. I'm building something strong.
Anyway, look.
I look forward to seeing you play again.
Thanks, Dad.
Actually, been going through a really confusing time
and this was exactly what I--
It's pretty late, Son.
Definitely.
You're back, Hammer.
Yeah, all right. Everything looks great.
You can lose the brace and start blasting loads with your hand again.
- And play tennis, right? - Sure, I guess.
So… About that website that I mentioned last time--
- Stop. - I don't use it.
I barely even remember you saying anything about it.
Well, you barely remember because I barely even said anything.
Just it's called Sticky Honey, which anybody would know.
And the women are outrageous and they got this killer referral deal,
which apparently you weren't comfortable using.
And by the way, I didn't use it either.
I don't even know why I said it.
- So let's just stop talking about it. - I didn't even say anything. Right?
- It's over. - Good, good.
Hey, thank you so much about the wrist.
Oh, yeah, sure. No problem. Hey. How did the pickleball work out?
- Great. - Yeah?
Yeah, like really great. My dad came around. I'm gonna play in the duel.
Yeah, yeah.
He told me that last night. It really meant the world to me.
I heard. Yeah, that's pretty crazy, huh?
- Yeah, no. - Yeah.
It wasn't really crazy. It was just… My father's a tough guy. Tested his son.
And the son, me, also a tough guy, rose to the occasion.
And it put us closer together. It was really bonding.
Yeah, no, I meant, like, pretty crazy about the Neil part.
How he died.
Neil died?
You didn't know?
What are you talking about, Doctor?
So, I guess Neil was going up into his attic
to get some boxes out of storage.
And, apparently, there was an old mama owl living up there.
She must have thought he was after her eggs or something
'cause she went absolute sicko mode.
Wait… You're telling me that Neil was killed by a mama owl?
Well, technically no. He was still breathing when the owl stopped.
But he squeezed out the window to try to escape,
tumbled off the roof onto his driveway just as his wife was coming home.
Front tire caved in his skull. Or what was left of it.
What?
Yeah. His wife claims she didn't see him,
but I think she's going to jail.
I mean, how do you not see that, right?
This is unbelievable.
Yeah, I'd assumed he would have told you, Chuck. That's pretty weird.
Oh, he… Yeah, he did. Of course… My dad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. When Neil's head got run over by his wife
he got killed, and yeah,
- we of course talked about it. Of course. - Okay. So, you just…
'Cause I just told you the story just now
and you were saying you d… Never heard any of this.
No, I'd heard it, for sure.
Okay, 'cause you were looking pretty surprised when I said that.
- Nah. - Yeah.
Well, anyway. Rest in peace, right?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Good luck with the **** Honey. I should go.
Yes, Sticky Honey and I don't use it.
And it's not really just about ***, it's about community. Okay.
An owl, Dad? A goddamn owl?
What are you so upset about?
The owl was the best thing that ever happened to you.
So you admit it! That's the only reason you chose me!
What do you want to hear, Son?
I don't know. Maybe that you believe in me?
That you weren't forced to pick me because of a stupid bird.
Yeah, well, unlike you, that stupid bird took down Nasty Neil
without so much as a bent feather.
If I could get that owl to hold a tennis racket, I'd put her in the duel.
As it stands, Gene and Gary thought you were our best shot.
So I wasn't even your choice. That's great.
There's no way in the world an owl would ever win a point off me in tennis.
I don't care if you duct-taped a racket to its little disgusting claws.
Please go away, PJ.
PJ, I don't want to see--
How'd you know it was me?
'Cause you've called and texted me a bunch saying you'd like to come over and see me.
I thought that might give it away.
We need you back at the club, Dusty. The duel is tomorrow.
I can't go back there, PJ.
Listen, I know you see me as this big, tough loner guy
who doesn't need anyone.
Kinda like a Batman figure.
That's not how I see you.
The truth is I look up to you.
- I know you do, PJ. - Yeah.
But you shouldn't. I'm nothing to look up to.
Don't say that. You're a legend.
You're the guy that almost beat Andy Roddick.
No, I'm a cautionary tale.
There's so much you don't know.
It's like I don't wanna pierce your virgin ears with this story.
What do you mean?
Do you wanna know what happened
between me and Andy Roddick on that fateful day?
How long's the story?
It's brief but powerful.
Okay then.
I was supposed to be The Hammer because I hit the hardest.
But Andy hit it harder.
Every serve I hit, everything I did, he was better.
And I looked in the crowd and I saw my dad and he knew too.
I realized out there
that I was playing checkers and he was playing chess.
And I couldn't beat him.
Everything I did, he returned as a winner.
He was better.
Is this before or after the chess game?
We didn't play chess. We didn't play checkers.
Okay, yeah, I see the pattern of lying 'cause you said chess before.
No, it was a storytelling device.
I said I was playing checkers and he was playing chess,
meaning he was way better than me. Got it?
Where's the device?
- What? - Where are you keeping the d…
The storytelling device? Is it like Kindle?
It's just a way to tell a story. There's not an actual device.
Yeah.
So I needed a way out.
So I told the referee that I needed to go to the bathroom.
I went into the bathroom stall.
Put my hand on the toilet.
I broke my own goddamn wrist.
It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
I didn't slip that day.
I shattered my own wrist, Peej.
Because I thought if I got hurt,
that's better than being a goddamn loser, right?
Wow.
So…
Your hand was, like, in the toilet?
What? No, it was like on the edge.
Seat down or bowl itself?
I don't know, PJ. Bowl itself, I guess.
Did you at least put like a layer of toilet paper, like a barrier, so--
I feel like you're missing the point of the story.
I'll take that as a no.
Was there a reason you couldn't have put your hand on the door or some--
It was a moment of crisis!
So is this.
And right now I'm realizing I'm not Batman.
I'm more Commissioner Gordon
because I'm here to shine the Hammer signal in the sky.
We need you. The duel's tomorrow.
So start acting like yourself.
I don't even know who that is.
You better figure it out.
And fast.
This is the most dominant you've ever been, PJ,
and I respect the **** out of it.
Thank you and also,
if you tell anyone else that story,
maybe say you washed your hands afterwards.
Just so they're not wondering about that part.
Why would I hear from him?
I mean, you know him too, Gail. I could ask you the same question.
It's not my fault he's not here.
Well, I'm sure she assumed because he's your partner.
Pickleball partner. Pickleball partner!
You know, which is all I was ever interested in.
Well, since you're being so normal about this, I'll assume he's not coming.
Let's just play.
Maybe the three of us can all rotate.
Hey, look!
Isn't that him?
What's he doing?
I think he's hiding.
Is he gonna try and drive like that?
I think so.
- Ouch, ouch. That hurt. - Oh, my God. Look at… What…
Son of a *****!
Dusty! Are you okay?
Yeah. Hey, hey. Is that you guys?
What are you doing here?
What am I doing here?
What am I doing here? Well…
It's just the airbag!
I'm okay.
Candace, I came here to apologize. I was--
Dusty, stop. It's fine.
You didn't even let me say what I was going to apologize for.
I'm guessing it was because you said we couldn't be friends
What?
Yeah, that was it.
Dusty, sometimes when one door closes,
another even more flexible one opens.
Maybe you two could just go play singles for a minute?
Okay.
- Okay. - Okay.
That airbag was late as ****, right?
Hey, Candace.
Dusty.
I'm really sorry and embarrassed about what I said the other night.
I do wanna be friends with you.
I like you a lot.
Me too.
Truth is I don't have very many good friends anymore.
And when I was listing 'em and I said Gail,
actually it wasn't a different Gail. It was your Gail.
I know.
And I don't even know if Gail likes me very much.
She doesn't.
But I'm in the same boat.
I mean, Mitch got most of our friends in the divorce.
Traitors.
That's why it meant so much to me when you showed up the other night.
We're good.
- Yeah? - We're good!
- We're buds? - Yeah.
- For sure? - Yeah.
All right, bud.
I mean, speaking of showing up for each other,
there's something I could use your help with.
What are you thinking?
We lost a few times, yeah.
Any sign of Dusty?
- Haven't seen him yet. No. - No.
Hey, Chuck! It's Dusty. He just arrived.
Can I have everyone's attention please?
There's something important I need to say.
Dusty, maybe you and I should talk first.
No, Chuck. I have the floor.
Okay.
I wrote something out. And you guys are gonna hear me out.
What is bravery?
Is it camping?
Sorry, I can't read my own handwriting. It's a little bit smudged.
It can't be camping…
What is bravery? Is it--
How long is this?
Not long. It's pretty short.
Actually, it's over.
For a long time, Dad,
I have been pretending to be somebody I'm not,
but that's over now.
This is me, Dad. For better or for worse.
And you don't respect me. And you never have.
So I'm not gonna play for you.
I'm gonna enter the duel, but not for the tennis side.
Today, I'm playing for the pickleballers.
Yes!
I just am. You left me no choice, Dad.
- Yes! - Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa.
We can talk about this. I mean, I'm ready to rock--
Nah, Skip, you're terrible. I'm gonna do it.
- I'm gonna do it for sure. - It's gonna be Dusty.
- Dusty! Dusty! Dusty! - Dusty! Dusty! Dusty!
Yeah, Dad. Hammer's back.
Okay. Settle down everyone.
Can't believe I'm saying this, but my son's right.
I never had faith in him.
He was a backup option,
which is why I was working the phones, pulling strings,
to get a real player for the match today.
Three-time Wimbledon finalist, 2003 US Open champion.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big welcome to Mr. Andy Roddick!
What?
I cannot tell you how grateful I am that you went first.
I would've looked like a real ******* replacing my son like that,
but it all just worked out perfect.
Perfect. Yeah, it's just perfect. Just how I drew it up.
Okay, okay. Back off him, folks.
The match will be played at high noon as written in the charter.
I'm ready to play now if you want. I'm gonna kill him.
I'm sure you are, kiddo, but let's do this by the book.
I just hope no one freaks out so bad that they bail all together.
- Dusty, it's okay. - No.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
- Maybe you could beat him. - At tennis?
I can't beat Andy Roddick. It's Andy Roddick!
He is so much better than me, Candace!
And he always has been, okay?
Dusty, your dad's using this charter loophole
against the pickleball players, right?
Yeah. Maybe there's something in there that can help us.
No, it's not gonna work.
It's worth a look. I mean, I always keep a copy on me.
Nice. Here. I'll do it.
You always keep a copy of the club charter in your fanny pack?
You never know when you're gonna need it.
What's one other time that you've needed it?
I need some air.
Your game's in five.
You sure you wanna go through with this?
How'd you know I was in here?
You're always in here before a match.
Sometimes during.
Right.
Not too late to back out.
Just in time for the coin toss.
We'll let you call it.
Might be the only thing you have a chance of winning today.
Very funny, Andy.
What'll it be, Son? Heads or tails?
Let's go with tails.
Tails it is.
Would you like to serve or receive?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hey.
- What? Do you think? Really? - Just… Yeah.
Okay. I'd like to choose the court.
The court? That should help.
It might.
I choose court 16.
- What? - Yeah.
No. This is a tennis club.
It's a tennis match. Play it on a tennis court.
No, no, no. It says it right here in the charter.
"Winner of the toss may select any court on club grounds to play the match."
- Yes. - Right here.
What's the big deal? Why is everyone freaking out about court 16?
It's pickleball, *****.
He's got this. He has got this.
Wait. Are you John McEnroe?
What gave me away? My face and body?
What are you doing here?
I heard there was a big game. I love the action.
Gentlemen, game is to 11. Win by two.
Any questions about the rules?
No, let's just get this over with.
*******.
Yes. Yes!
Trust me.
- Come on, Andy! - Go, Andy!
Andy! Let's go!
- Yes! - Yeah.
I get it now. It's like tennis but easy.
He hits it so hard.
There's that trademark Roddick speed.
Dusty doesn't have any room to breathe. This could get out of hand quickly.
Who are you talking to?
The fans.
Let's watch this next point
and see how Dusty responds to this latest flurry from Andy.
Yeah, we're planning on it. Thank you.
Good. That's good to hear.
Who do you think you are? I am!
Come on!
Come on, Andy!
It's looking like the lights are just too bright for Boyd out there.
Maybe he can come back.
Not likely, but I hope so.
Not only for the sake of the crowd…
You need some rest or, like, oxygen?
…but for Dusty as an individual.
Boldly trying to reclaim his identity in his mid-40s,
his father's club hanging in the balance.
How do you have so many details?
Where did you get that hotdog? Do they sell those here?
Nope. Brought it from home.
Get up!
Use the court.
What?
Use the court.
What are you saying?
The messed up court!
Use it to your advantage, you stupid *******.
The southeast fence is too close.
Fence is too close.
Yeah!
Get it together, Andy! Walk it off!
The baseline corner is warped and cracked.
Into the crack!
Chuck, your courts ****.
Come on, Andy!
- Go, Andy! - Andy! Let's go!
And all the pickleballers know
that the leaky fountain leaves a very slippery puddle
near the net post.
You okay?
It's slippery right there.
Dad, we've gotta fix that.
What a good sport.
That run has completely changed the momentum.
It's become the Dusty show on court 16,
and you can feel the tension from Gary, Chuck and all the other tennis folk.
Are you reading off of something?
I'm just reading the expressions of the crowd
and the body language of the players.
Now Dusty's got a glimmer of hope. Sometimes that's all you need.
Yeah!
**** it!
Boom!
Hey, Andy. You leave the fridge open?
Hey, chef, grab me a snack!
Do the dishes while you're in there, *****!
Where's the butter knife?
Sorry, just a little inside joke I have with my friends.
Your friends? You mean those 70-year-old women you came with?
Yeah, them.
You're in the kitchen though, Andy. It's my point.
It's match point.
Dusty's got an opportunity to close him out,
but Roddick's been in tight spots before
and he ain't going down without a fight.
Dusty's completely transformed his style.
It's almost as if he realized it's never too late to change.
Hit the ball.
Letting softness be his strength.
Finally releasing an old idea of himself that no longer serves him.
Well said, John McEnroe.
All right. Fine. We'll do it your way.
Yeah, I expected this.
Roddick is good at in-game adjustments.
He's decided to match Dusty's style.
I think we got ourselves an old-fashioned dink off.
Hit it, Hammer. Hit the ball.
- What the **** are they doing? - They're dinking.
What happens now?
Now we wait.
Seriously?
That's what this game is?
Pretty much, yeah.
They dink till someone pops it up too high and gets crushed.
This is really stupid.
Two heavyweights in a high-stakes tickle fight.
Who will be the first to giggle?
****.
Dink.
I love this fricking game, baby!
Unbelievable. Hammer wins it.
Hammer wins it on a dink!
Yeah!
We're getting some more courts!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yes! I'm unstoppable!
Dusty! Dusty! Dusty! Dusty!
We did it! We won!
You did it! You did it! We won!
I'm so happy for you!
Andy! Don't be too hard on yourself, brother.
Yeah, I feel totally fine.
This isn't a real sport. I don't care about anyone here.
All the same. You keep your head up, kid.
- Again, this was stupid… - Yeah.
- …I'm a professional athlete… - Yes.
…and your dad paid me 15 grand to be here.
Gladiator to gladiator, it was an honor!
- Yes! - I can't believe it.
Neither can I.
I mean, there was some luck involved and a little cheating, but we got him.
Dusty, that was incredible.
Well, thanks to you.
Yeah, I guess I finally realized that,
you know, I don't always have to swing so hard.
Yeah. It took you a really, really long time to get that, but you did get it.
- I got a win. - You got a win.
Dusty, you may wanna check in on your dad.
Yeah, he ran back towards his office looking pretty upset.
Not good.
****.
Look, Dad, I'm sorry.
I know how much this place means to you.
I just… I didn't mean to hurt ya.
My boy beat Andy Roddick.
Yeah, but it wasn't tennis. It was pickleball. It's diff--
Doesn't matter what the game was,
or that I'd personally invited him here to crush you.
What matters is that my boy beat Andy Roddick.
I am so **** proud of you, Son.
- You are? - Oh, yes!
I've waited a long time for this, Dad.
It's embarrassing how much this means to me.
- We always find a way, huh? - Yeah. We finally got him.
- We got him! Yes! - We got him.
This is the most fun we've ever had together!
Yes!
We did it.
Everything looks perfect.
Thank you, Mr. President of Pickleball Operations.
Can you believe it, Mr. Vice President of Pickleball Operations?
Me?
That's an official title?
Yeah, I mean, official between you and me.
- And I get a pay rise? - No, same money.
I cordially accept.
Wonderful.
Hey, I got you something just as my way of saying,
"Thank ya and I see ya and I accept ya."
- You're my best friend. - Thanks, Dusty.
Thanks, Peej. I gotta go schmooze.
My sweet, sweet Ally.
You've been off my radar, but now you're back.
Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop.
I hope they're happy.
- Kaboom! - Nice shot, Dad!
We pickled them, Son. Eleven, zip.
- Can you believe it? - I can't believe it.
Chuck, I didn't think you could take the joy out of this
and you did. Respect.
You got pickled, Piggy.
Stop calling me Piggy! My name is Skip Pigliani.
Okay, I'm sorry, Skip.
- Thank you, Chuck. - You're welcome, Piggy.
Hey. You having fun?
I still prefer tennis, but this is, you know, totally fine.
It's fun. Some of the players are a little intense.
Hey, darlings, can we cut the chittychat and get back to pickling? Thank you.
Ladies, how's it going?
Would you hurry your *** up? You're getting ready to lose.
Yeah, you little ****!
Yes, Judy! That's the fire.
That is the fire.
Can you believe we drew Gail and Judy in the first round? What are the odds?
I mean, they're high. I made the bracket.
- I wanted to play with friends. - Right.
But I also wanted a guaranteed win and we're gonna crush 'em.
- Yes, let's obliterate them. - Let's get 'em.
Let's go.
You ready for this, Hammer?
The Hammer's dead. I'm just Dusty.
Or maybe you could be called The Dink.
No, I'm not gonna be called The Dink.
I like that for you.
No, it is not me. That's not gonna be my nickname.
Dinky Dinky Doo, that's you!
You're The Dink now.
No, no, no. I'm not gonna be The Dink.
Looks like Dusty's earned himself a new nickname. Let's see if this one sticks.
Uh-uh. No way, guys. I'm not gonna be the…