1 00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:27,270 Will the defendant please stand? 2 00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:32,599 Kempton bunton, you are charged that on the 21st of march, 1961, 3 00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:37,570 you stole from the national gallery the portrait of the Duke of Wellington 4 00:00:37,637 --> 00:00:43,176 by the artist Francisco goya to the value of £140,000. 5 00:00:43,276 --> 00:00:45,412 How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty? 6 00:00:45,478 --> 00:00:46,479 Not guilty. 7 00:00:46,579 --> 00:00:50,483 And that you created a public nuisance by depriving members of the public 8 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:52,619 of the opportunity to view the portrait. 9 00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:54,888 Do you plead guilty or not guilty? 10 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:56,556 Same again, love. Not guilty. 11 00:00:58,825 --> 00:00:59,826 Mr cussen. 12 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:02,562 Thank you, my lord. 13 00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:11,310 At this rate, you'll be giving that Shakespeare 14 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:12,399 a run for his money. 15 00:02:12,932 --> 00:02:15,902 Imagine if Jesus had been born a woman. 16 00:02:17,303 --> 00:02:18,438 Well, what's it called? 17 00:02:18,538 --> 00:02:20,440 The adventures of Susan Christ. 18 00:02:22,609 --> 00:02:23,977 Not my cup of tea, then. 19 00:02:24,744 --> 00:02:26,513 Oh, well, you never know. 20 00:02:26,613 --> 00:02:27,781 Recorded delivery? 21 00:02:28,948 --> 00:02:30,350 Aye. Good idea. 22 00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:32,652 That will be two shillings, mr bunton. 23 00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:34,320 Come on, mr Singh. 24 00:02:34,354 --> 00:02:35,789 We know you're in there. 25 00:02:37,357 --> 00:02:38,391 I know he's in. 26 00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:41,828 - Harry? Come on. - All right. 27 00:02:41,861 --> 00:02:43,290 We'll come back. 28 00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:45,980 - I know he's in. - All right. 29 00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:46,299 He's cooking. 30 00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:48,468 Right, cup of tea and then we'll go and do... 31 00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:49,903 Evening chronicle. 32 00:02:49,969 --> 00:02:52,138 - How can I help you? - Is Barry Spence there, pet? 33 00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:54,441 - Just putting you through. - Thank you. 34 00:02:56,609 --> 00:02:57,644 Dorothy? 35 00:02:57,744 --> 00:02:58,745 I'm in here. 36 00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:02,215 Dorothy, would you be a sweetie and just clean the heads for me? 37 00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:03,817 Oh, yes. Yes, of course. 38 00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:05,518 Uh, will I finish the fireplace first? 39 00:03:05,618 --> 00:03:08,488 It's entirely up to you, but I'm playing this afternoon. Busy, busy. 40 00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:11,424 Oh, Dorothy, as I was passing fenwick's the other day, 41 00:03:11,524 --> 00:03:13,860 I noticed that they had, um, a sign up. 42 00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:16,363 "Storeman." just in case your husband... 43 00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:21,735 Uh, I just mention it. 44 00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:44,591 - Mr bunton. - Curtain twitched. 45 00:03:49,662 --> 00:03:50,663 Dad! 46 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,734 Post office. In the street. 47 00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,903 I know. Buy me five minutes. 48 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,606 - Mr bunton? - Cometh the hour, Jackie, lad. 49 00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:02,742 - Mr bunton? - Can I help? 50 00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:05,178 We're here to inspect your television licence. 51 00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:08,948 Look at that. 52 00:04:10,150 --> 00:04:13,119 - What? - Fox. Big fella. 53 00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,989 Any house with a television is required to have a licence. 54 00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:19,592 Our radar Van detected a line output transformer signal 55 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:20,694 from this address, 56 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:23,530 coming from a cathode ray tube this time last week. 57 00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:25,699 - We haven't got one of them. - That's a telly. 58 00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:28,301 Oh. Oh, we've got one of them. 59 00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:30,236 And do you have a licence? 60 00:04:30,303 --> 00:04:31,304 In what sense? 61 00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:32,739 In the sense of having one 62 00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:35,750 or not having one. 63 00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,778 A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play. 64 00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:41,481 Gentlemen, join me. Robin hood after the adverts. 65 00:04:41,581 --> 00:04:43,516 - Can we see your licence, sir? - Don't need one. 66 00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:46,152 We only watch itv, which is paid for by these. 67 00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:48,421 This is a mistake. I can go to the post office in the morning. 68 00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:50,857 This is no mistake. It is a political act. 69 00:04:50,924 --> 00:04:53,893 Witness, I cannot receive the BBC. 70 00:04:53,993 --> 00:04:55,729 To the left, itv. 71 00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:59,432 I've taken the band-one coil from the turret tuner. 72 00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:03,103 - Here we go again. - My wife always supports me in private. 73 00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:07,700 It is thus physically impossible for this set to receive a televisual signal 74 00:05:07,107 --> 00:05:10,844 from the British broadcasting corporation, and that negates the imperative on me 75 00:05:10,944 --> 00:05:13,346 - to pay the licence fee. - I've only got 16 Bob here. 76 00:05:13,346 --> 00:05:15,682 - Jackie, fetch the kitty from the larder. - Don't you move. 77 00:05:15,682 --> 00:05:18,218 It's an unfair tax on ordinary people. 78 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,154 Especially the oldies that can't afford it. 79 00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:24,591 Television, gentlemen, is the modern cure for loneliness. 80 00:05:24,691 --> 00:05:26,192 - We're a movement... - I'm not! 81 00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,940 Our aim is to persuade our government 82 00:05:28,194 --> 00:05:30,830 that old people should have free televisual viewing. 83 00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,366 Well, the law's the law, and no one's above it. 84 00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:34,934 Especially a nobody like you. 85 00:05:35,350 --> 00:05:37,737 Oi! You can't talk to me dad like that in his own house. 86 00:05:37,804 --> 00:05:39,639 - Or what? - You all right, kempton? 87 00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:42,909 - Don't know, Barry. Never think about it. - You back again, stirring it. 88 00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:44,277 - W ho are you? - Evening chronicle. 89 00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:46,746 - Well, by statute... - Free TV for the oap? 90 00:05:46,813 --> 00:05:48,181 I like it. 91 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:50,784 I was pleased. Not a lot rhymes with TV. 92 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,620 - I don't want this in the papers. - He does. That's why I'm here. 93 00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:57,357 Well, by statute, anyone owning a television needs a licence. 94 00:05:57,424 --> 00:06:02,495 Uh-huh. But I have modified this set by removing the BBC coil. 95 00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:04,431 So I owe the government nothing. 96 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,633 That is an unarguable proposition 97 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:09,690 and certainly sound in law. 98 00:06:09,135 --> 00:06:10,370 Hold it. 99 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,976 - Thank you. - Now, then, bunton. 100 00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:31,858 Sorry, dad. 101 00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:34,994 Where to? Home? 102 00:06:35,610 --> 00:06:36,262 Marian. 103 00:06:45,805 --> 00:06:46,973 Sorry, love. 104 00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:50,910 Porridge. 105 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:54,247 Thirteen days. 106 00:06:57,650 --> 00:06:58,952 Broke the law. 107 00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:03,230 Upset your mother. 108 00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:04,924 Again. 109 00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,603 - Why doesn't mam ever come? - Don't know, Jackie. 110 00:07:16,703 --> 00:07:18,405 You'll have to ask her that yourself. 111 00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:27,180 When england faced its Waterloo, 112 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,948 one man stood firm. 113 00:07:29,150 --> 00:07:30,500 This man. 114 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,719 Arthur Wellesley, the Duke of Wellington. 115 00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:35,210 And when last week, this historic portrait 116 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,190 was in danger of leaving the country forever, 117 00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:39,159 we also stood firm, 118 00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:44,431 raising the £140,000 required to secure it for us all. 119 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:45,598 Was it really worth it? 120 00:07:49,536 --> 00:07:53,306 I mean, looking at it, it's not very big, is it? 121 00:07:55,608 --> 00:07:56,843 Sir Philip? 122 00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:58,678 Well, um, 123 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:04,951 it's an outstanding example of late-period goya. 124 00:08:05,552 --> 00:08:08,355 It really is. Outstanding. 125 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,857 And at the national gallery in London, 126 00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:12,525 the home secretary unveiled goya 's... 127 00:08:12,592 --> 00:08:15,395 This is champion, love. Bit of mustard? 128 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,831 You had servants in prison, did you? 129 00:08:17,897 --> 00:08:19,766 You know I don't like getting up. 130 00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:21,468 - I'll get it, dad. - No, you won't. 131 00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:22,869 The iron Duke, I think... 132 00:08:22,902 --> 00:08:23,903 Jackie. 133 00:08:23,970 --> 00:08:25,372 Embodies our own national character. 134 00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:26,639 Courage, resolve... 135 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:28,575 Not the Duke of bloody Wellington. 136 00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:30,176 Refusal to countenance defeat. 137 00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,613 I sold one of me boats. 138 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,648 So you didn't go to night class? 139 00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:37,283 Thought you'd be happy for us. 140 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,386 I'd be happier if you were getting yourself qualified. 141 00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,221 What's the armada down to, then? 142 00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:42,389 Just the one left. 143 00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:44,357 At any price, home secretary? 144 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:45,959 Well, we're not in the business 145 00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:48,610 of putting a price on the nation's heritage. 146 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,829 They don't have to. 147 00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:52,866 It's the taxpayer, you and me, Jackie, that's paid for that painting. 148 00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:55,368 Since when have you paid any tax? 149 00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:57,237 "Welcome home, kempton." 150 00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:59,105 You know what's going off here, Jackie? 151 00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:01,341 Toffs, looking after their own. 152 00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:03,176 Spending our hard-earned money 153 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:06,479 on a half-baked portrait by some Spanish drunk 154 00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:08,782 of a Duke who was a bastard to his men 155 00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:11,510 and who voted against universal suffrage. 156 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,186 - Against what? - The vote. 157 00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,488 The Duke of Wellington didn't want you to have a say 158 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,857 in how this country was run when he was prime minister. 159 00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:19,993 Think what they could have done with all that money. 160 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,829 Given thousands and thousands of free TV licences 161 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,864 to war widows and pensioners, that's what. 162 00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:27,734 Are these speeches of yours going to put food on the table? 163 00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:30,203 You can stop that, Dolly. I'm back on the taxis tomorrow. 164 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,739 Has yet been taken by the British government 165 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:35,241 on the question of the common market. 166 00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,910 "One who hopes." 167 00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:38,578 Translated from what, I couldn't say. 168 00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:40,413 Esperanto, presumably. 169 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:42,349 I'm not paying for conversation. 170 00:09:43,490 --> 00:09:44,517 I'll keep my trap shut, then. 171 00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:47,620 In fact, he was a Polish eye doctor. 172 00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:49,322 L. L. Zamenhof. 173 00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:51,825 His dream was to bring humanity together 174 00:09:51,891 --> 00:09:54,361 by means of a universal common language. 175 00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:05,271 ****ing hell. 176 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:08,800 - What you doing, kidder? - Putting a cabin on it. 177 00:10:08,675 --> 00:10:10,760 Boat building, eh? 178 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,580 Swan hunter will be shitting themselves. 179 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,650 You gonna live on it? Get out the house? 180 00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:20,530 I sell them on as working boats. 181 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,991 - What are you doing home? - Ah, keeping me head down. 182 00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,193 Are you in trouble? 183 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:29,662 Not in newcastle. 184 00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,601 Got a little job for youse. 185 00:10:37,370 --> 00:10:38,638 I wanna keep me nose clean. 186 00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:39,806 - I'll source the car. - Nah. 187 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,341 You just have to drive it and get rid of it. 188 00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,109 - Nah! I said no! - Well, you did it before. 189 00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:44,978 Yeah, and I regret it. 190 00:10:45,780 --> 00:10:46,279 Well, think about it. 191 00:10:47,747 --> 00:10:48,882 A business opportunity. 192 00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:53,190 How's hostilities? 193 00:10:53,119 --> 00:10:55,889 He's writing away, and mam's scrubbing the world clean. 194 00:10:58,725 --> 00:11:00,360 Bloody Marian. 195 00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:03,563 Aye. Bloody Marian. 196 00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:12,572 She normally sleeps through. 197 00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:15,608 It'll be fine. Don't worry. She knows you. She likes you. 198 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,110 Oh, Dorothy, would you mind? 199 00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:19,179 Sorry. 200 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,150 I've always liked this dress. 201 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:25,180 Oh, it's taffeta. I hate it. It's so uncomfortable. 202 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:28,221 Darling, it's 7:30 for 8:00, not 8:30 for 10:00! 203 00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:30,924 Gordon Bennett. Thank you, Dorothy. 204 00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:36,663 So, what is it tonight? 205 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,465 Golf club gala. 206 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:42,268 - The only time they let the ladies in. - Don't you play there? 207 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,970 Oh, god, no. 208 00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:45,905 It would be the end of civilisation. 209 00:11:47,273 --> 00:11:50,744 So, is your, um... is your husband out? 210 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:56,149 I mean, back? I saw the paper. 211 00:11:58,184 --> 00:12:00,320 - Do you want me to stop coming? - No. 212 00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:05,358 No, no. It's... 213 00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:07,360 It's fine, Dorothy. 214 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,630 We're very happy with you, really. 215 00:12:11,931 --> 00:12:14,868 I don't want to cause your husband any embarrassment. 216 00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:17,303 Oh, no. No, we couldn't possibly have that. 217 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:18,772 My husband the councillor. 218 00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:23,243 It's a real conundrum, though, isn't it? 219 00:12:24,770 --> 00:12:27,113 I mean, if you can't receive the BBC, 220 00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,383 why should you pay the tax? 221 00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:32,786 I'll see you later. 222 00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:37,924 Any time this week. 223 00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,926 It doesn't take five minutes to look like this. 224 00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:41,995 - Let's just get going. - Where's my bag? 225 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:43,663 - On the ottoman. - -Have you got keys? 226 00:12:43,697 --> 00:12:45,699 - We don't need keys. - I'm not driving. 227 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:50,403 Susan, I'm not going down. 228 00:13:03,983 --> 00:13:05,952 You'd like this one, love. 229 00:13:11,157 --> 00:13:13,893 - Get yourself in there. - Would you take it easy? 230 00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:15,628 - Return of the prodigal son. - Oh! 231 00:13:15,662 --> 00:13:17,970 Don't give him any money. 232 00:13:17,970 --> 00:13:18,431 I haven't got any. 233 00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:19,933 Where have you two been? 234 00:13:20,330 --> 00:13:21,868 - The green tree. - Traitors. 235 00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:24,738 - Are you still barred from there? - A pint in there isn't a pint. 236 00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:26,840 Oh, you could start a fight in a ploughed field, you. 237 00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:29,175 He accused me of nicking their toilet rolls. 238 00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:31,911 - You were. - I was, aye, but he had no evidence. 239 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,513 - Habeas corpus. - You're an idiot. 240 00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:36,449 - Leave him alone, mam. - Fish pie, Kenny? You look thin. 241 00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:38,180 What are you fussing around him for? 242 00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:40,530 For a change from fussing around you. 243 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:43,289 Babycham for the lady. Dad, yours. 244 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:44,557 - Thank you. - A bottle of brown. 245 00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:47,360 Now, be sure and use the coasters. You're not in Leeds now. 246 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,996 Yeah, civilisation here. 247 00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,766 - Put the news on, Dolly. - We haven't got a licence. 248 00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:54,134 Whose side are you on? 249 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:57,437 My side. I'm not turning that goggle-box on. 250 00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:00,407 A toast. To the buntons. 251 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,410 - Happy families. - Happy families. 252 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:05,345 Fans flock like swallows in the spring 253 00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,479 to the national gallery... 254 00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:08,248 Not that sodding painting again. 255 00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,650 National treasure? It's the poor bloody foot soldiers 256 00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:12,886 that won his battles for him we should be celebrating. 257 00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,521 J“ kick down j“ 258 00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,122 J“ every door! I -quiet. 259 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,590 - J' that's what doors are there for j' - quiet! Quiet! 260 00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:20,694 I hope you're proud of yourself. 261 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,596 They don't swallow what the establishment tells them. I'm proud of that. 262 00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:28,340 - Am I making a bed up for you? - Aye, couple of nights, mam. 263 00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:30,270 She'll miss you, your Dolly bird. 264 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,372 Who we talking about? 265 00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:34,407 - Her that's married? Pammy? - She's separated, mam. 266 00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:36,209 If she's not divorced, she's still a married woman. 267 00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:37,510 She was only married two months. 268 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,245 Don't you go down that road, Jackie bunton. 269 00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:41,140 I'm the devil incarnate, me. 270 00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:43,116 We don't know anything about your life in Leeds. 271 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:46,186 - Plenty of cash, never in work. - I'm in construction. 272 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:47,620 It's seasonal. 273 00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:49,389 You're always welcome here. Back room's yours. 274 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,825 I wouldn't be surprised to hear she's in the family way. 275 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:54,828 - Oh, **** it. I've had enough. - I'll not have language in this house. 276 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,897 - See you later, dad. It's been lovely. - No. I said you're welcome. 277 00:14:57,997 --> 00:14:59,532 - I'm welcome. - Always welcome. 278 00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,835 Yeah, I heard you, all right? I'm never welcome in this house. 279 00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:03,169 I just don't want any swearing. 280 00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:04,571 You wonder why I take months away... 281 00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:06,206 I'll go and be United Nations. 282 00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:08,742 All I ask is for you just not to swear. 283 00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:10,543 The portrait of the first Duke of Wellington 284 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,780 set a record price for a goya. 285 00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:14,114 It was knocked down to an American 286 00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:17,717 after 90 seconds for £140,000. 287 00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:21,855 J“ ...If you don't want money? I 288 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:24,657 j“ what do you want if you don't want gold? J“ 289 00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:38,380 I might have the body of a weak and feeble woman... 290 00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:39,572 Elizabeth I. 291 00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:42,800 But I've got the testicles of Henry viii. 292 00:15:42,676 --> 00:15:46,146 You are three and tenpence short on yesterday, bunton. 293 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,448 Aye, an old fella. Skint. 294 00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:49,983 Why's he taking taxis, then? 295 00:15:50,500 --> 00:15:51,818 He's a war veteran. Can't walk. 296 00:15:51,885 --> 00:15:55,622 I am running a taxi firm, not a charity. 297 00:15:55,689 --> 00:15:58,825 - Take it out me wages. - I've had complaints. 298 00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:03,229 One, you talk too much, and, two, it's utter bollocks. 299 00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:06,132 You're sacked, with immediate effect. 300 00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:09,690 - I haven't been paid. - Sue me, then. 301 00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,204 But **** off first. 302 00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:13,907 Oh, hello. Yes. 303 00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:17,577 I'll just take the address, please. Thank you. 304 00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:22,949 Thank you very much. Be there in a tick. 305 00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,353 There is nothing more powerful 306 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:29,856 than when a community discovers what it cares about. 307 00:16:31,257 --> 00:16:36,429 And when a man accepts our essential interdependence, 308 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:41,670 in that moment he, or she, 309 00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,602 becomes a woman. 310 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:46,740 Or a man. 311 00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:49,776 As the case may be. 312 00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:52,746 How many have you got? 313 00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:56,490 The petition's only one part of the campaign. 314 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,184 - Three? - Well, we've just set up. 315 00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:00,887 Kempton bunton? That's not even a real name. 316 00:17:05,910 --> 00:17:07,160 Rome wasn't built in a day, Jackie. 317 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:10,363 But, then again, I wasn't on that particularjob. 318 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:13,767 Oh, hello. Didn't know you were political, Jackie bunton. 319 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:17,203 Yeah, it's me dad. His latest campaign. 320 00:17:18,104 --> 00:17:19,272 Me nan would love a telly. 321 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,675 Why don't you sign my petition, then, love? 322 00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:24,477 Uh... I don't know about that. 323 00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,115 The hat suits ya. 324 00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:33,887 I'd like to sign, mr bunton. 325 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,891 Unless you have any objections. 326 00:17:37,991 --> 00:17:40,527 Au contraire, mrs gowling. Au contraire, 327 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:42,896 thank you. 328 00:17:42,996 --> 00:17:44,864 Now, where do I put my paw print? 329 00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:47,367 Just there, please. 330 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:04,451 If Jackie goes to the bad, I'm holding you responsible. 331 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:06,319 That'll be the straw, I promise you. 332 00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:09,956 You can do your petitions and write your plays in prison. 333 00:18:10,230 --> 00:18:12,392 They'll do your cooking and your washing for you and all. 334 00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:15,950 - But I've had it. - I've had it up to here. 335 00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:22,969 Peace offering. 336 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,530 - Good dunkers, them ginger nuts. - What do you want? 337 00:18:41,187 --> 00:18:42,889 A pact. 338 00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:47,861 Two days in London. Give me two days. 339 00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:51,640 Then I'll be back for good. Get a job. Keep me head down. 340 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:53,366 I didn't come down in the last shower, you know. 341 00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:54,901 Promise. Two days. 342 00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:58,638 To change anything, you have to go to parliament. 343 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:00,607 You're wasting your life. 344 00:19:00,674 --> 00:19:02,509 How do you eat an elephant? 345 00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,346 - Who eats elephants? - One bite at a time. 346 00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:07,781 Stop this. 347 00:19:09,215 --> 00:19:11,951 Please, kempton. Please, love, please. 348 00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:17,924 I'm begging you. Stop all your agitation. 349 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,392 Two days, that's all. 350 00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:22,429 If I hit a brick wall down there, that will be the end of it. 351 00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:24,531 Two days, that's all I need. 352 00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,766 Then I swear to god, it'll be the last of it. 353 00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,135 The plays, the politics, the lot. 354 00:19:31,271 --> 00:19:32,539 Two days. 355 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,942 One last chance. 356 00:20:02,102 --> 00:20:03,636 Do you have an appointment? 357 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:06,639 - He'll want to see me. - I'm sorry? 358 00:20:06,740 --> 00:20:08,742 I've sent him my trilogy of plays, 359 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:11,945 each one tackling a different aspect of social injustice. 360 00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,914 - He's not here. - Not here? 361 00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:16,816 He's gone to granada. 362 00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:20,887 - Granada television? - No, granada in Spain. 363 00:20:22,155 --> 00:20:23,390 I could wait. 364 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:26,493 Right. 365 00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,104 There you go, sir. 366 00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:50,116 I need to speak to the boss, love. It's urgent. 367 00:20:50,183 --> 00:20:51,484 He's over there. 368 00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:54,220 - Sir, I have a story. - Is that right? 369 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,256 - It's a campaign... - I don't do campaigns. 370 00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:58,925 - It's about social injustice. - I don't do social injustice. 371 00:20:58,925 --> 00:21:00,427 - Can I buy you... - I don't do lunch. 372 00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:04,764 Another time. 373 00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:11,971 Friends, members, 374 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:14,741 citizens of this great mother of parliament... 375 00:21:14,808 --> 00:21:17,177 Members, representatives, reps... 376 00:21:17,277 --> 00:21:18,845 Friends, reps... 377 00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:21,114 I come here, not... 378 00:21:29,356 --> 00:21:30,357 Friends, 379 00:21:31,324 --> 00:21:32,692 fellow citizens, 380 00:21:33,493 --> 00:21:36,863 elected representatives of this noble house, 381 00:21:36,930 --> 00:21:38,865 lend me your ears. 382 00:21:38,932 --> 00:21:42,102 - Let's just move along. - I come not to make a protest, 383 00:21:42,202 --> 00:21:43,636 but to demand of this government... 384 00:21:43,737 --> 00:21:45,205 It's all right. 385 00:23:41,955 --> 00:23:42,989 Bugger. 386 00:24:19,592 --> 00:24:22,328 The portrait was missing when the first shift of attendants 387 00:24:22,362 --> 00:24:24,864 reported for duty here at 7:00 this morning. 388 00:24:24,931 --> 00:24:28,435 When the gallery closed last night, the goya was still in its usual place. 389 00:24:28,535 --> 00:24:31,710 The national gallery is appealing to anybody who was here yesterday 390 00:24:31,104 --> 00:24:34,174 and who saw anything or anybody they think was suspicious 391 00:24:34,274 --> 00:24:35,542 to get in touch with the police. 392 00:24:35,575 --> 00:24:37,377 Will it be out of the country already, commissioner? 393 00:24:37,410 --> 00:24:41,448 Well, looking at the degree of planning and expertise involved, 394 00:24:41,514 --> 00:24:44,551 we're convinced that the goya has been stolen to order 395 00:24:44,651 --> 00:24:49,689 by a well-funded, highly professional international criminal gang. 396 00:24:49,789 --> 00:24:51,925 Any suspects so far? 397 00:24:52,250 --> 00:24:53,760 It's not very good, is it? 398 00:24:56,730 --> 00:24:57,997 What about the police? 399 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:00,266 No one's looking for the Duke of Wellington in benwell. 400 00:25:00,367 --> 00:25:02,435 Christ! 401 00:25:02,535 --> 00:25:03,536 Don't touch it! 402 00:25:04,437 --> 00:25:05,739 Jesus Christ. 403 00:25:07,700 --> 00:25:09,642 Christ is the man we need right now. 404 00:25:09,743 --> 00:25:11,444 - How come? - Carpenter. 405 00:25:12,178 --> 00:25:15,150 Someone who knows how to put a false back on that wardrobe. 406 00:25:15,648 --> 00:25:17,984 - I can do that. - Get on with it, then. 407 00:25:29,396 --> 00:25:32,699 - Next up: Communication. - Cut letters out the paper. 408 00:25:32,766 --> 00:25:33,767 No, do that, 409 00:25:33,867 --> 00:25:36,536 and you'd be telling them what paper you read, what glue you've got in the house, 410 00:25:36,569 --> 00:25:38,605 whether you use right- or left-handed scissors. 411 00:25:38,705 --> 00:25:40,907 That's three coordinates, and they've got you. 412 00:25:40,974 --> 00:25:43,610 That's why this letter cannot be posted from newcastle. 413 00:25:43,677 --> 00:25:46,279 "Query not that I have the goya. 414 00:25:46,346 --> 00:25:50,617 The act is an attempt to pick the pockets of those who love art more than charity." 415 00:25:50,684 --> 00:25:53,119 Bit of Robin hood. Like that. 416 00:25:53,787 --> 00:25:55,221 - Mam. - Christ. 417 00:25:59,693 --> 00:26:02,529 - How was aunt Betty? - Why are you wearing rubber gloves? 418 00:26:02,595 --> 00:26:04,698 Varnish. Been on the boat. 419 00:26:04,764 --> 00:26:07,233 - Hello, pet. - Oh, you're back. 420 00:26:07,300 --> 00:26:09,269 Didn't bring down the government, then? 421 00:26:09,369 --> 00:26:12,380 Ah, well, I exercised my Democratic right. 422 00:26:12,105 --> 00:26:14,808 Now it's up to them. What matters is I'm back. 423 00:26:14,908 --> 00:26:17,143 So, you'll be going to the labour exchange. 424 00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:19,612 Tomorrow. First thing. Shall I put the kettle on? 425 00:26:19,679 --> 00:26:22,682 If you think it'll go with your outfit. 426 00:26:22,782 --> 00:26:26,386 So, you're gonna keep your name out of the papers? 427 00:26:26,486 --> 00:26:28,688 Aye, well, there's no reason for me 428 00:26:28,788 --> 00:26:31,191 to be of any interest to the press ever again. 429 00:26:31,257 --> 00:26:33,590 Why are you wearing rubber gloves? 430 00:26:34,940 --> 00:26:35,929 Uh, that blocked drain. 431 00:26:36,290 --> 00:26:37,664 We don't have a blocked drain. 432 00:26:38,264 --> 00:26:39,399 Next door's. 433 00:26:40,100 --> 00:26:42,402 We don't talk to next door. 434 00:26:42,469 --> 00:26:44,137 You've gotta build Bridges. 435 00:26:50,510 --> 00:26:52,512 Paris, Vienna, then London... 436 00:26:52,612 --> 00:26:54,647 - I'm off. - Where to? 437 00:26:54,714 --> 00:26:56,449 Rainbow rooms. 438 00:26:56,516 --> 00:26:58,985 Why in god's name would you want to go to a club 439 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:00,720 with music and drinking and girls... 440 00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,222 - Take care. - When you could stop in 441 00:27:02,222 --> 00:27:03,757 and watch telly with me and your mam? 442 00:27:03,857 --> 00:27:05,592 Don't drink too much if you're on that bike. 443 00:27:05,592 --> 00:27:07,127 I'll be careful. See you later, dad. 444 00:27:07,160 --> 00:27:08,895 - And wear your helmet. - Bye. 445 00:27:14,801 --> 00:27:16,136 Now, then. 446 00:27:16,236 --> 00:27:17,904 Oh, no. What have I done? 447 00:27:17,971 --> 00:27:21,441 Kempton bunton, I want you to swear to me 448 00:27:21,508 --> 00:27:23,576 that you've given up all your nonsense. 449 00:27:23,643 --> 00:27:24,944 I swear. 450 00:27:25,845 --> 00:27:27,947 - I swear. - Promise. 451 00:27:28,140 --> 00:27:30,150 Dolly, love, I've learnt my lesson. 452 00:27:30,216 --> 00:27:31,518 No more secrets? 453 00:27:31,618 --> 00:27:35,121 Nothing. Rien. Nada. I promise. 454 00:27:36,456 --> 00:27:40,827 Meanwhile, the hunt for the missing goya portrait continues. 455 00:27:40,894 --> 00:27:43,596 I feel I can profile the thief pretty well. 456 00:27:43,697 --> 00:27:45,765 He's most likely highly physically tuned, 457 00:27:45,865 --> 00:27:48,401 almost certainly a trained commando, 458 00:27:48,468 --> 00:27:49,569 or ex-special forces. 459 00:27:51,738 --> 00:27:54,240 - You all right? - Do you expect the criminals 460 00:27:54,307 --> 00:27:56,242 - to eventually make contact? - Bit of biscuit. 461 00:27:56,309 --> 00:27:59,579 We are expecting some communication from the thieves. 462 00:27:59,646 --> 00:28:01,815 When it comes, we will respond. 463 00:28:05,285 --> 00:28:09,389 You remember fat Stan, track marshal at the dogs? 464 00:28:09,489 --> 00:28:10,490 What? 465 00:28:10,557 --> 00:28:14,861 Well, his brother-in-law, gert, nice fella, Dutch, 466 00:28:14,928 --> 00:28:18,965 well, he's foreman at this plastics injection moulding plant, 467 00:28:19,650 --> 00:28:21,701 and he said to fat Stan that there's a job going. 468 00:28:21,768 --> 00:28:23,370 But it's 10:00 at night. 469 00:28:24,104 --> 00:28:27,700 - He's on nights. - Who? Gert or Stan? 470 00:28:27,607 --> 00:28:29,476 Stan. I mean gert. 471 00:28:30,577 --> 00:28:33,847 He's night-shift foreman. At night. 472 00:28:36,683 --> 00:28:39,686 I wouldn't expect I'll be long, but don't wait up. 473 00:28:42,188 --> 00:28:44,240 And as the noose tightens... 474 00:28:44,900 --> 00:28:46,259 - Ta-ra! - Around the gang responsible, 475 00:28:46,359 --> 00:28:50,497 the national gallery announce a £5,000 reward... 476 00:28:50,563 --> 00:28:52,320 For information. 477 00:29:02,142 --> 00:29:04,477 - How far are you going? - Morecambe bay. 478 00:29:04,577 --> 00:29:06,846 Morecambe bay will be just champion. 479 00:29:12,285 --> 00:29:13,987 Would you like a wine gum? 480 00:31:09,135 --> 00:31:10,537 What are you doing? 481 00:31:12,706 --> 00:31:14,740 Have you read this one? 482 00:31:15,642 --> 00:31:18,178 - What's it called? - The girl on the bicycle. 483 00:31:20,130 --> 00:31:22,982 No. And I don't think you should either. 484 00:31:23,490 --> 00:31:26,286 - So you have read it? - He's told me what it's about. 485 00:31:26,353 --> 00:31:27,721 Making money out of our grief. 486 00:31:27,821 --> 00:31:29,689 - It's just writing. - Well, it's wrong. 487 00:31:29,789 --> 00:31:32,659 Well, what else can he do? You'll never talk about it. 488 00:31:32,726 --> 00:31:35,528 What's there to talk about? It's done, isn't it? 489 00:31:37,864 --> 00:31:39,320 She's dead. 490 00:31:47,674 --> 00:31:49,900 I'm back! 491 00:31:56,282 --> 00:31:57,851 Where'd you find that? 492 00:31:57,951 --> 00:31:59,819 In the wardrobe in the back room. 493 00:32:00,453 --> 00:32:02,188 What were you doing in there? 494 00:32:02,288 --> 00:32:03,390 I live here. 495 00:32:16,469 --> 00:32:19,372 They've got that West Side story on at the abc, Percy street. 496 00:32:19,439 --> 00:32:20,507 Do you fancy it tomorrow? 497 00:32:20,607 --> 00:32:23,510 We can't afford to waste money going to the pictures. 498 00:32:35,522 --> 00:32:39,325 It's Romeo and Juliet, but with singing and dancing, 499 00:32:39,392 --> 00:32:42,262 and it's set in New York, not stratford-upon-avon. 500 00:32:47,670 --> 00:32:49,302 - How far have you got? - Farenough. 501 00:32:49,402 --> 00:32:50,403 It's not Marian. 502 00:32:50,470 --> 00:32:52,706 There's a girl, dies in a bicycle crash. 503 00:32:52,772 --> 00:32:55,750 That girl's knocked off her bike by a bus in town. 504 00:32:55,141 --> 00:32:57,811 Our Marian came off her bike going downhill in the country. 505 00:32:57,911 --> 00:32:59,746 - Who's read this? - Nobody, I shouldn't think. 506 00:32:59,813 --> 00:33:01,614 I've only sent one copy out. 507 00:33:02,282 --> 00:33:03,516 Who to? 508 00:33:04,170 --> 00:33:05,852 Telly. 509 00:33:07,354 --> 00:33:10,256 So the world and his wife's gonna know. 510 00:33:10,357 --> 00:33:13,930 - You've never let me talk about it. - Grief's private. 511 00:33:13,193 --> 00:33:16,663 I bought her that bike. If I'd got her anything else, she'd still be alive. 512 00:33:16,730 --> 00:33:18,164 Well, she isn't. 513 00:34:02,175 --> 00:34:03,410 Carry on. 514 00:34:03,476 --> 00:34:06,413 Pedal. That's it! Go on! 515 00:34:06,479 --> 00:34:09,490 Keep going! Keep going! 516 00:34:11,170 --> 00:34:12,318 Well done! 517 00:34:15,555 --> 00:34:16,856 He's not a writer. 518 00:34:16,956 --> 00:34:18,825 He has pretensions, but he can't write. 519 00:34:19,492 --> 00:34:21,895 - Where was it posted? - Morecambe. 520 00:34:21,995 --> 00:34:23,930 He's not an educated man. 521 00:34:24,300 --> 00:34:25,899 Could he be Italian? 522 00:34:25,965 --> 00:34:27,867 No. British. Northern. 523 00:34:27,934 --> 00:34:29,469 This comma here tells us a lot. 524 00:34:29,569 --> 00:34:31,710 How do you mean? 525 00:34:31,137 --> 00:34:34,740 It's gratuitous. It evidences poor education. 526 00:34:34,140 --> 00:34:35,975 - He's an autodidact. - A car mechanic? 527 00:34:37,444 --> 00:34:40,347 He's self-taught, over a lifetime. 528 00:34:40,447 --> 00:34:42,215 I'd put him somewhere in his late 503. 529 00:34:42,315 --> 00:34:45,318 So, uh, what's his mental state, then? 530 00:34:46,453 --> 00:34:50,523 "The act is an attempt to pick the pockets of those who love art more than charity." 531 00:34:51,391 --> 00:34:53,893 He's a fantasist who believes he's an idealist. 532 00:34:53,993 --> 00:34:55,562 A kind of Don quixote. 533 00:34:55,662 --> 00:34:57,931 Oh, the, uh... the windmill fella. 534 00:34:59,650 --> 00:35:02,369 He'll be active in his community, known for his local campaigns. 535 00:35:02,435 --> 00:35:05,472 Parking, litter, pub hours, that sort of thing. 536 00:35:05,572 --> 00:35:07,474 Thank you. That's very helpful. 537 00:35:09,609 --> 00:35:10,777 My pleasure. 538 00:35:12,912 --> 00:35:15,150 - Could someone sign me out? - I wouldn't dare. 539 00:35:15,115 --> 00:35:17,150 You'd be telling everybody what I had for breakfast. 540 00:35:23,757 --> 00:35:26,159 - Nice arse. - You're a married man, reg. 541 00:35:26,226 --> 00:35:28,261 I can look at the menu as long as I eat at home. 542 00:35:28,361 --> 00:35:29,996 So has this fella got the painting, then? 543 00:35:30,300 --> 00:35:32,799 Time-wasting bastard. He's just after the reward. 544 00:35:32,899 --> 00:35:33,900 Yeah. 545 00:35:33,967 --> 00:35:35,602 The Italians still favourite, then? 546 00:35:35,702 --> 00:35:37,737 That's where the clever money is. 547 00:35:48,140 --> 00:35:51,117 - My first day. - Might be your last. 548 00:36:00,493 --> 00:36:01,995 Watch these ones, man. 549 00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:04,431 They're fast. Get three like bricks, yeah? 550 00:36:10,370 --> 00:36:12,605 In the future, they'll have robots doing this. 551 00:36:12,706 --> 00:36:14,641 Yeah, I can't wait. 552 00:36:14,741 --> 00:36:18,845 The likes of me and you will spend our day developing our minds 553 00:36:18,945 --> 00:36:21,114 with literature and orchestra! Concerts. 554 00:36:21,181 --> 00:36:24,500 Look, please, just keep up. 555 00:36:24,150 --> 00:36:26,353 Come on, mind your bloomers. 556 00:36:26,453 --> 00:36:29,522 - It's his first day, mr Walker. - Ah, well, you can watch it and all. 557 00:36:29,556 --> 00:36:31,825 Still getting used to your lot touching our white loaves. 558 00:36:31,891 --> 00:36:33,593 - Eh? - Yes, sir. 559 00:36:34,527 --> 00:36:35,528 Come on. 560 00:36:42,102 --> 00:36:43,203 Buggen 561 00:36:55,150 --> 00:36:56,850 'King hell. Nothing. 562 00:36:58,284 --> 00:37:00,200 Don't you want them papers, mister? 563 00:37:00,687 --> 00:37:02,489 No, you have them, bonny lad. 564 00:37:02,555 --> 00:37:04,891 Good firelighters, but you won't find any of them 565 00:37:04,991 --> 00:37:06,659 speaking truth to power. 566 00:37:08,228 --> 00:37:10,230 What you playing, lads? Tip and run? 567 00:37:11,164 --> 00:37:13,433 - Can I have a bowl? - No, you're all right, pops. 568 00:37:31,184 --> 00:37:32,185 Christ. 569 00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:52,238 You are kempton bunton and I claim me £5,000 reward. 570 00:37:52,305 --> 00:37:54,341 Daft bugger. I nearly shit myself. 571 00:37:55,141 --> 00:37:56,743 What did you open it up for? 572 00:37:56,810 --> 00:38:00,246 No reaction to my first communication, so I took the ticket off the back, 573 00:38:00,313 --> 00:38:01,948 proof positive that I've got it. 574 00:38:02,150 --> 00:38:04,951 This to the workingman's paper, the daily mirror. 575 00:38:05,180 --> 00:38:06,986 Mam. 576 00:38:07,530 --> 00:38:08,655 Quick, quick. Sort this lot out. 577 00:38:08,688 --> 00:38:09,723 What? 578 00:38:17,597 --> 00:38:22,135 J“ and round about 11:00 my idea of heaven is a nice cup of tea I 579 00:38:22,235 --> 00:38:23,870 J' I like a nice cup of tea... j“ 580 00:38:23,903 --> 00:38:25,572 oh, stop it, you daft brush. 581 00:38:25,638 --> 00:38:26,940 Anyhow, it's half-3:00. 582 00:38:27,700 --> 00:38:30,510 You were a beautiful dancer. Graceful, fluid. 583 00:38:30,610 --> 00:38:32,479 - I wasn't that good. - You were that good. 584 00:38:32,579 --> 00:38:34,247 Ginger Rogers of whitley bay. 585 00:38:34,314 --> 00:38:36,649 I always said we should have entered them competitions. 586 00:38:36,716 --> 00:38:39,219 - We'd never have won. - Swept the board. 587 00:38:39,319 --> 00:38:40,320 Hmm. 588 00:38:40,387 --> 00:38:43,560 You're looking at hollisons' new star baker. 589 00:38:43,156 --> 00:38:44,724 Hollisons? I thought it was plastics. 590 00:38:44,824 --> 00:38:47,994 No. I'm lord bunton of the baps. Number two oven man. 591 00:38:48,610 --> 00:38:50,730 - Much better. You can't eat plastic. - So will it be regular? 592 00:38:50,830 --> 00:38:54,100 Aye. I've taken to it like a swan to water. 593 00:38:54,200 --> 00:38:56,569 And a free loaf every day. 594 00:38:56,636 --> 00:38:58,972 - Tomorrow, a pork pie. - Pork pie? 595 00:38:59,720 --> 00:39:00,940 - Slightly damaged. - You're slightly damaged. 596 00:39:01,700 --> 00:39:03,576 Today, 14-ounce Danish. 597 00:39:04,244 --> 00:39:06,413 Slightly damaged? 598 00:39:06,479 --> 00:39:09,349 Light and airy, for ladies who are watching their figure. 599 00:39:09,449 --> 00:39:12,585 - Yeah, I'm not, though, am I? - You're better off wobbling than rattling. 600 00:39:40,647 --> 00:39:44,317 Jackie bunton, is this your idea of a Saturday night out? 601 00:39:44,384 --> 00:39:46,619 Just wait, would you? Come on, follow me. 602 00:39:48,855 --> 00:39:49,889 Jackie... 603 00:39:51,725 --> 00:39:54,361 - What are you doing? - Madam, care to view? 604 00:40:03,403 --> 00:40:04,537 Gosh. 605 00:40:07,574 --> 00:40:08,908 What do you think? 606 00:40:10,410 --> 00:40:11,811 Yours, are they? 607 00:40:12,779 --> 00:40:14,347 One day, aye. 608 00:40:20,186 --> 00:40:21,821 That's what I wanna do. 609 00:40:23,356 --> 00:40:25,158 Build boats like this. 610 00:40:26,159 --> 00:40:27,327 On the tyne? 611 00:40:27,994 --> 00:40:28,995 Nah. 612 00:40:29,729 --> 00:40:33,433 California, New Zealand, Australia. 613 00:40:35,935 --> 00:40:37,570 You just wanna get away. 614 00:40:43,510 --> 00:40:46,980 Mam wants me to wear a shirt and tie, and dad wants me to punch the pope. 615 00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:49,382 What's the pope done to upset your dad? 616 00:40:50,450 --> 00:40:53,353 The pope, prime minister... 617 00:41:00,393 --> 00:41:01,728 Dolly, love, 618 00:41:01,795 --> 00:41:05,765 it's bad enough me having to get up at the crack of a sparrow's fart, but you... 619 00:41:05,832 --> 00:41:07,133 Don't mind. 620 00:41:07,233 --> 00:41:11,371 A full English breakfast served by an Irish Rose. 621 00:41:11,471 --> 00:41:13,373 Eat up. You're late. 622 00:41:13,473 --> 00:41:16,609 Oh, that's the shipping ticket that was attached to the back of the goya. 623 00:41:16,676 --> 00:41:18,545 And he sent it to... 624 00:41:18,645 --> 00:41:20,347 The daily mirror, home secretary. 625 00:41:20,413 --> 00:41:22,148 So an arrest is imminent? 626 00:41:22,215 --> 00:41:24,384 Uh, not as such. 627 00:41:25,251 --> 00:41:27,721 But we know where this note was posted? 628 00:41:27,787 --> 00:41:30,590 - Oh, central Birmingham. - The Italians? 629 00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:35,762 We're re-evaluating that aspect of the enquiry, sir. 630 00:41:35,829 --> 00:41:39,432 But we can pinpoint precisely the whereabouts of this person? 631 00:41:40,233 --> 00:41:43,370 Well, sir, we're pretty sure he resides between morecambe and Birmingham 632 00:41:43,470 --> 00:41:47,400 and has travelled in that area at some time for work. 633 00:41:47,140 --> 00:41:50,510 So he could be one of about 23 million people? 634 00:41:51,311 --> 00:41:54,140 If he's still in the area, yes, sir. 635 00:41:55,915 --> 00:41:57,217 "The Duke is safe," 636 00:41:57,317 --> 00:41:59,786 his temperature cared for, his future uncertain. 637 00:41:59,886 --> 00:42:02,555 We ask that some nonconformist type of person 638 00:42:02,622 --> 00:42:04,624 with the sportitude of a Billy butlin 639 00:42:04,724 --> 00:42:07,160 "and the fearless fortitude of a Montgomery..." 640 00:42:07,260 --> 00:42:10,263 Sportitude, fortitude. The man's a bloody poet. 641 00:42:10,330 --> 00:42:13,660 Perhaps we can lock w. H. Auden up at last. 642 00:42:13,133 --> 00:42:15,468 What's he actually asking for? 643 00:42:18,605 --> 00:42:22,108 £140,000, home secretary. 644 00:42:22,175 --> 00:42:24,544 Good grief. For what? 645 00:42:24,644 --> 00:42:26,846 Charity. As yet unspecified. 646 00:42:27,414 --> 00:42:28,982 Clearly a lunatic. 647 00:42:29,490 --> 00:42:31,840 Well, we will, of course, follow any credible... 648 00:42:31,184 --> 00:42:32,852 - Be quiet, MacPherson. - Sir. 649 00:42:32,919 --> 00:42:35,588 Gentlemen, I'm fully prepared for martyrdom, 650 00:42:35,689 --> 00:42:37,791 but I would rather like it delayed. 651 00:42:37,891 --> 00:42:40,260 And you chaps, I believe, need to keep your jobs. 652 00:42:40,326 --> 00:42:42,950 So we'll meet again in 48 hours 653 00:42:42,162 --> 00:42:45,665 when you will tell me of the very significant progress you have made 654 00:42:45,765 --> 00:42:49,135 in solving this extremely serious crime. 655 00:42:49,202 --> 00:42:50,804 Yes, home secretary. 656 00:43:09,122 --> 00:43:10,256 I'm back. 657 00:43:12,580 --> 00:43:14,160 Where have you been? 658 00:43:15,428 --> 00:43:18,732 Large white sliced. Slightly damaged. 659 00:43:22,869 --> 00:43:24,437 This came for you. 660 00:43:28,174 --> 00:43:30,176 The BBC. The play. 661 00:43:30,710 --> 00:43:33,130 The one that's not about the accident. 662 00:43:33,790 --> 00:43:35,415 They'll be wanting me to go down to London 663 00:43:36,490 --> 00:43:37,650 to supervise the production. 664 00:43:40,954 --> 00:43:43,223 "Thank you for giving the drama department" 665 00:43:43,289 --> 00:43:46,459 the opportunity of reading your intriguing play. 666 00:43:47,327 --> 00:43:50,730 Unfortunately, it is difficult to find an audience 667 00:43:50,797 --> 00:43:52,766 "for plays about grief." 668 00:43:56,970 --> 00:43:59,139 Whoever they get to read plays can't be writers, 669 00:43:59,205 --> 00:44:00,707 that's all I can say. 670 00:44:03,410 --> 00:44:05,780 Well, whoever they are, 671 00:44:06,346 --> 00:44:08,381 well, maybe it's best they've said no. 672 00:44:21,394 --> 00:44:22,996 What's for tea? 673 00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:25,131 - Sausage and mash. - Grand. 674 00:44:26,332 --> 00:44:27,600 Prial of kings. 675 00:44:29,169 --> 00:44:30,270 Akqua. 676 00:44:31,604 --> 00:44:33,540 What a steaming pile of shite. 677 00:44:36,443 --> 00:44:38,978 - Prial of aces. - What? No. 678 00:44:39,450 --> 00:44:40,814 There he is. 679 00:44:41,481 --> 00:44:45,385 I might have known. Mr akram. You still on paki time, are you? 680 00:44:45,452 --> 00:44:47,387 - No, sir. - You've had your ten minutes. 681 00:44:47,420 --> 00:44:49,522 - Sorry, sir. - Let him finish the game. 682 00:44:49,589 --> 00:44:50,590 You what? 683 00:44:50,690 --> 00:44:52,392 Me and javid broke at the same time. 684 00:44:52,425 --> 00:44:53,960 Kempton, please, it don't matter. 685 00:44:54,600 --> 00:44:57,230 It does matter. We get a 15-minute break and we've only had nine minutes of it. 686 00:44:57,297 --> 00:44:58,832 You don't understand. It's different for me... 687 00:44:58,832 --> 00:45:01,735 Are you accusing me of racialist discrimination? 688 00:45:01,801 --> 00:45:03,103 No, no, no, no, no. 689 00:45:03,169 --> 00:45:05,438 Hey, hey. I like pakis, me. 690 00:45:05,505 --> 00:45:07,140 I mean, if it wasn't for your lot, 691 00:45:07,207 --> 00:45:10,744 well, I wouldn't be able to get a pint of milk on a Christmas morning, eh? 692 00:45:12,212 --> 00:45:13,913 I going back up now, sir. 693 00:45:14,647 --> 00:45:15,882 Sit down, bunton. 694 00:45:17,150 --> 00:45:18,551 You can finish your game. 695 00:45:18,651 --> 00:45:21,254 "I will not let anyone walk through my mind 696 00:45:21,354 --> 00:45:22,756 with their dirty feet." 697 00:45:22,856 --> 00:45:24,391 Mahatma Gandhi. 698 00:45:28,495 --> 00:45:31,798 Well, that is brilliant, that is. 699 00:45:33,166 --> 00:45:34,801 I'll tell you what, bunton. 700 00:45:34,901 --> 00:45:37,504 Get your card, clock off and **** off. 701 00:45:38,672 --> 00:45:40,940 You can have as long a break as you want then. 702 00:45:52,152 --> 00:45:54,421 Can I have one of them pork pies, please, pet? 703 00:45:54,521 --> 00:45:56,289 Yeah, one pork pie. Anything else? 704 00:45:56,389 --> 00:45:57,624 No, thank you. 705 00:45:59,259 --> 00:46:01,761 Uh, can you just damage it a bit, please? 706 00:46:02,629 --> 00:46:03,630 Damage it? 707 00:46:03,730 --> 00:46:05,765 Just chip a bit of pastry off the side. 708 00:46:07,100 --> 00:46:09,335 - Uh, I can. - Thank you. 709 00:46:17,711 --> 00:46:18,878 Rag and bone! 710 00:46:27,354 --> 00:46:29,622 Just a pub. A stupid, petty crime. 711 00:46:35,395 --> 00:46:36,629 Where were you? 712 00:46:37,330 --> 00:46:39,165 So what's your answer to that, then? 713 00:46:44,104 --> 00:46:45,271 What you doing here? 714 00:46:45,338 --> 00:46:47,374 Stopping over for a couple of nights, dad. 715 00:46:47,474 --> 00:46:50,210 - This is Pammy. - Hiya, mr bunton. 716 00:46:50,844 --> 00:46:53,747 - What do you want? - Talking to your lad. 717 00:46:53,847 --> 00:46:56,916 - In a bedroom? - Well, when we knocked on the front door, 718 00:46:57,170 --> 00:46:59,886 Pamela here didn't seem to think your Kenny was at home. 719 00:46:59,953 --> 00:47:02,188 But would you believe it, we found him up here. 720 00:47:02,255 --> 00:47:04,791 - Shall we all go downstairs? - We're all right. 721 00:47:05,759 --> 00:47:09,295 Kenny should have given evidence yesterday at Leeds crown court. 722 00:47:09,396 --> 00:47:10,897 But he did a runner. 723 00:47:10,964 --> 00:47:13,466 - What you done, Kenneth? - Me? Nothing. 724 00:47:13,566 --> 00:47:15,502 They want me to grass up a pal of mine. 725 00:47:16,269 --> 00:47:17,971 You need a witness summons, then. 726 00:47:18,380 --> 00:47:20,473 Has everyone in this family got a law degree? 727 00:47:20,540 --> 00:47:24,844 I'm not legally qualified as such. I'm more a talented amateur. 728 00:47:24,911 --> 00:47:28,348 One witness summons. Leeds crown court. 729 00:47:28,415 --> 00:47:29,683 Thursday. 730 00:47:29,749 --> 00:47:31,170 Thank you. 731 00:47:31,584 --> 00:47:33,386 We'll see ourselves out. 732 00:47:33,887 --> 00:47:35,188 Ta-ra, boys. 733 00:47:35,722 --> 00:47:36,923 Ta-ra. 734 00:47:40,560 --> 00:47:42,896 You can't stay in this room. I write in here. 735 00:47:42,962 --> 00:47:45,932 Well, mam said it would be all right. 736 00:47:45,999 --> 00:47:48,435 - Where is she? - Shops. I give her some money. 737 00:47:48,968 --> 00:47:50,837 Not enough dinner now we're here. 738 00:47:52,138 --> 00:47:55,141 Dinner's what they have down south. Up here, it's tea. 739 00:47:56,776 --> 00:48:00,146 I'm against hanging on principle, unless it's for something really serious. 740 00:48:00,213 --> 00:48:01,815 That doesn't even make sense. 741 00:48:01,881 --> 00:48:04,751 - Are you saying I'm thick? - You know you're thick. 742 00:48:04,851 --> 00:48:07,220 Kenny's mate stole a car, Dolly. 743 00:48:07,287 --> 00:48:09,890 He won't be hung for that. 744 00:48:09,189 --> 00:48:10,690 - "Hanged." - Huh? 745 00:48:12,525 --> 00:48:13,993 It's "hanged." 746 00:48:18,965 --> 00:48:20,633 I love your toad-in-the-hole, mam. 747 00:48:20,667 --> 00:48:21,801 Thank you, Jackie. 748 00:48:22,435 --> 00:48:27,400 So, Pamela, what is your current domestic situation? 749 00:48:27,140 --> 00:48:28,441 Give it a rest, mam. 750 00:48:28,508 --> 00:48:30,343 I work for mrs gowling. 751 00:48:30,410 --> 00:48:33,747 That's the wife of councillor gowling. You may have heard of him. 752 00:48:33,847 --> 00:48:35,148 And what's it got to do with him? 753 00:48:35,181 --> 00:48:36,816 It's the difference between right and wrong. 754 00:48:36,850 --> 00:48:38,351 Dad. 755 00:48:38,418 --> 00:48:39,686 I agree with your mother. 756 00:48:39,719 --> 00:48:42,355 It would be wrong for you two to be living in sin under our roof. 757 00:48:42,922 --> 00:48:45,792 What's happened to you? You'll be voting Tory next. 758 00:48:49,162 --> 00:48:51,231 Play for today's on in five minutes. 759 00:48:52,432 --> 00:48:53,666 We can't get BBC. 760 00:48:54,401 --> 00:48:55,435 Why not? 761 00:48:55,502 --> 00:48:57,270 Dad took the band-one coil out. 762 00:48:57,337 --> 00:49:00,707 If you can't get the BBC, you don't have to have a licence. 763 00:49:00,807 --> 00:49:03,209 But you've got one sellotaped to the side of your television. 764 00:49:03,309 --> 00:49:05,712 - No, we haven't. - That's mine. 765 00:49:07,470 --> 00:49:08,682 What did you do that for? 766 00:49:09,482 --> 00:49:10,984 To be normal. 767 00:49:11,510 --> 00:49:12,552 Just fit the gizmo back in, then. 768 00:49:14,540 --> 00:49:15,622 Dad's lost the coil. 769 00:49:15,722 --> 00:49:19,590 So you pay for a television licence and you still can't receive BBC? 770 00:49:19,125 --> 00:49:20,727 Oh, we don't like play for today. 771 00:49:20,760 --> 00:49:23,797 It's just an excuse for a lot of bad behaviour. 772 00:49:27,667 --> 00:49:29,502 Have you set your alarm, love? 773 00:49:30,300 --> 00:49:31,171 What for? 774 00:49:31,271 --> 00:49:33,640 Aren't you 6:00 to 2:00 tomorrow? 775 00:49:33,707 --> 00:49:35,208 Aye, aye, you're right. 776 00:49:36,810 --> 00:49:37,911 Belt and braces. 777 00:49:38,110 --> 00:49:39,646 Sandwich loaf tomorrow, if you can manage. 778 00:49:39,679 --> 00:49:40,580 No problem. 779 00:49:40,680 --> 00:49:42,349 No, I'm not! Oh, will you piss off! 780 00:49:42,415 --> 00:49:43,683 Language! 781 00:49:44,217 --> 00:49:46,419 She's got a nerve. 782 00:49:46,519 --> 00:49:48,722 Count your blessings they're only arguing. 783 00:49:55,950 --> 00:49:58,331 It must have been a great source of anxiety to the national gallery staff. 784 00:49:58,431 --> 00:50:01,000 Have you, in fact, ever had a painting stolen before? 785 00:50:01,101 --> 00:50:02,469 Never, never. 786 00:50:12,779 --> 00:50:14,140 Ta. 787 00:50:14,114 --> 00:50:16,416 - About the thieves themselves? - Well, we don't think 788 00:50:16,416 --> 00:50:19,319 that they were professional criminals in the strict sense... 789 00:50:19,819 --> 00:50:21,354 - Doll? - What? 790 00:50:21,421 --> 00:50:23,323 Misguided people... 791 00:50:23,390 --> 00:50:24,391 What? 792 00:50:24,457 --> 00:50:26,192 They spoke of, uh, charity in their note. 793 00:50:26,226 --> 00:50:27,227 Nothing. 794 00:50:27,293 --> 00:50:30,230 The best form of charity they could do would be to return the picture... 795 00:50:50,917 --> 00:50:52,519 Shh. 796 00:50:59,793 --> 00:51:00,994 I need a piss. 797 00:51:01,561 --> 00:51:03,563 And I thought you were Cary Grant. 798 00:51:44,938 --> 00:51:46,773 - You beauty. - Dad! 799 00:51:46,873 --> 00:51:49,576 Three horse accumulator! Twenty quid! 800 00:51:49,642 --> 00:51:52,312 The mirror. They're making you an offer. 801 00:51:54,881 --> 00:51:57,117 I give them the painting, they put on an exhibition, 802 00:51:57,183 --> 00:51:58,752 charge the public to see the Duke 803 00:51:58,818 --> 00:52:00,854 and give me the proceeds. Bingo! 804 00:52:01,354 --> 00:52:02,856 How much will an exhibition raise? 805 00:52:02,956 --> 00:52:05,792 30,000... 50,000. Who knows? 806 00:52:05,859 --> 00:52:08,528 The painting's not been out the news, has it? 807 00:52:08,628 --> 00:52:12,332 I'll be able to pay for god knows how many TV licences. 808 00:52:12,999 --> 00:52:15,402 You're not really gonna use it all on telly licences? 809 00:52:15,502 --> 00:52:17,671 - Why not? - Just saying. 810 00:52:17,737 --> 00:52:19,706 Who couldn't make use of a couple of grand? 811 00:52:19,773 --> 00:52:22,609 - You think Robin hood took a rake-off? - Aye. 812 00:52:22,709 --> 00:52:24,611 Jackie. Robin hood? 813 00:52:25,245 --> 00:52:27,470 What if they're in it with the coppers? 814 00:52:27,113 --> 00:52:28,581 You give them the painting, 815 00:52:28,648 --> 00:52:30,517 they don't cough up and they shop you. 816 00:52:31,840 --> 00:52:32,252 The mirror? 817 00:52:32,986 --> 00:52:35,188 This is the workers' paper, Jackie lad. 818 00:52:35,288 --> 00:52:37,123 How are you gonna get them the painting? 819 00:52:37,724 --> 00:52:40,627 Well, I'll worry about that tomorrow. Tonight, celebration. 820 00:52:40,694 --> 00:52:42,162 Fish supper, family outing. 821 00:52:42,228 --> 00:52:44,300 No, but, dad, Irene's coming round. 822 00:52:44,664 --> 00:52:46,766 The more the merrier. Bring her along. 823 00:52:47,767 --> 00:52:49,235 80, mrs bunton, 824 00:52:49,335 --> 00:52:51,271 how did you and mr bunton meet? 825 00:52:51,371 --> 00:52:53,273 In his mother's pub in tynemouth. 826 00:52:53,373 --> 00:52:55,442 He wiped me table four times. 827 00:52:55,542 --> 00:52:57,811 It worked. You came back. 828 00:52:57,911 --> 00:53:00,213 When she saw he was sweet on me, his mother said, 829 00:53:00,280 --> 00:53:01,948 "some of his faults are good faults." 830 00:53:02,150 --> 00:53:04,284 Why can't we go to the seaside? 831 00:53:04,317 --> 00:53:05,318 How far's tynemouth? 832 00:53:05,418 --> 00:53:08,221 Ah, you wouldn't wanna be dragged by your balls from here to tynemouth. 833 00:53:08,254 --> 00:53:10,390 Kenneth, language. 834 00:53:10,490 --> 00:53:13,226 Irene's new to the family, and she hasn't been married. 835 00:53:13,326 --> 00:53:16,396 No, I'm still looking for me prince charming. 836 00:53:16,496 --> 00:53:18,331 Good luck finding him in benwell. 837 00:53:18,398 --> 00:53:21,167 - Benwell village. - Oh, you're so posh, mam. 838 00:53:21,868 --> 00:53:23,536 Here, we'll carry you. 839 00:53:23,603 --> 00:53:25,171 No, don't! Oh, my god! 840 00:53:26,406 --> 00:53:28,241 - Carriage for the queen! - Stop it. 841 00:53:28,274 --> 00:53:29,743 You're daft in the head. 842 00:53:29,809 --> 00:53:32,278 Make way for the queen! Here she is. 843 00:53:32,379 --> 00:53:34,781 Go on, queen of benwell village! Come on, wave to the public. 844 00:53:34,914 --> 00:53:36,983 J“ I have loved you more each day j“ 845 00:53:37,830 --> 00:53:40,353 j“ walking back to happiness, woopah... j“ 846 00:53:40,453 --> 00:53:43,623 Four pie and chips, two COD and chips, mushy peas, three, 847 00:53:43,690 --> 00:53:45,492 and two pots of tea, please. 848 00:53:45,558 --> 00:53:47,227 - Four pie and chips... - Hello, pet. 849 00:53:47,227 --> 00:53:48,795 Two COD and chips, three mushy peas 850 00:53:48,862 --> 00:53:50,730 - and two pots of tea. - I'm going for a piss. 851 00:53:50,730 --> 00:53:52,432 On second thoughts, I'd prefer a lemonade. 852 00:53:52,432 --> 00:53:55,168 - And a lemonade, please, pet. - And a lemonade! 853 00:53:55,235 --> 00:53:57,203 - Anything else? - What you gonna do with it? 854 00:53:57,270 --> 00:53:58,338 - What? - The painting. 855 00:53:59,873 --> 00:54:01,708 - What painting? - Oh, I don't know. 856 00:54:01,775 --> 00:54:05,211 The painting of the Duke of Wellington by Francisco José de goya. 857 00:54:07,614 --> 00:54:08,648 What are you suggesting? 858 00:54:08,748 --> 00:54:10,917 I'm suggesting that if you were to move the painting 859 00:54:10,984 --> 00:54:13,186 somewhere neutral, safe, out the house, 860 00:54:13,286 --> 00:54:17,157 I could tell the authorities where it is and we could split the 5,000 reward. 861 00:54:17,791 --> 00:54:21,561 - Or? - Or you can hang on to it, 862 00:54:21,661 --> 00:54:23,396 and one day some very public-minded citizen 863 00:54:23,496 --> 00:54:25,598 tells the police everything and gets all the money. 864 00:54:25,699 --> 00:54:27,300 But we wouldn't want that to happen, would we? 865 00:54:27,333 --> 00:54:30,603 Because I like you, and you would have to go to prison. 866 00:54:30,704 --> 00:54:33,139 - Two and a half thousand? - Each. 867 00:54:33,239 --> 00:54:34,808 I can't do what I need to do 868 00:54:34,908 --> 00:54:36,910 - with two and a half grand. - What do you wanna do? 869 00:54:36,943 --> 00:54:39,145 - Help people. - Oh, help yourself, more like. 870 00:54:40,313 --> 00:54:42,949 - Are you short of money? - Who isn't? 871 00:54:43,160 --> 00:54:45,285 [Banendefl four specials, four COD and chips, 872 00:54:45,352 --> 00:54:46,353 two mushy peas... 873 00:54:47,687 --> 00:54:49,255 She knows about it. 874 00:54:49,322 --> 00:54:50,323 What? 875 00:54:50,390 --> 00:54:51,524 The Duke. 876 00:54:52,250 --> 00:54:53,193 - Who? Mam? - Pammy. 877 00:54:53,293 --> 00:54:55,328 She's after the reward money. She wants to split it with me. 878 00:54:55,362 --> 00:54:57,630 - But what about the mirror offer? - I know. I know. 879 00:54:57,697 --> 00:54:59,733 But if she goes to the police now, we're done for. 880 00:54:59,833 --> 00:55:02,402 If I take it back tonight, maybe they'll go easy on me. 881 00:55:04,537 --> 00:55:06,873 - Well, what'll you tell mam? - What can I tell her? 882 00:55:06,940 --> 00:55:09,309 Here, I'm gonna slip back. Keep them entertained. 883 00:55:09,409 --> 00:55:10,810 What am I supposed to do? You can't... 884 00:55:10,810 --> 00:55:12,746 I don't know. Take them to the green tree. 885 00:55:24,190 --> 00:55:25,358 kempton? 886 00:55:46,780 --> 00:55:47,781 I can explain. 887 00:55:52,852 --> 00:55:54,254 Oh, my good god. 888 00:56:01,528 --> 00:56:02,962 It was you? 889 00:56:04,831 --> 00:56:06,566 You stole the painting? 890 00:56:06,666 --> 00:56:08,601 It's not theft for money. 891 00:56:08,702 --> 00:56:11,504 It's, you know, for the campaign. 892 00:56:14,274 --> 00:56:15,642 You're a madman. 893 00:56:16,910 --> 00:56:18,311 I'm living with a madman. 894 00:56:19,713 --> 00:56:21,247 But you swore to me. You promised. 895 00:56:21,314 --> 00:56:24,317 - If you've involved our Jackie... - Jackie's had nothing to do with it. 896 00:56:24,417 --> 00:56:26,860 Well, why's he wearing rubber gloves half the time? 897 00:56:26,119 --> 00:56:28,521 - He helped me build the panel. - So he is involved? 898 00:56:28,621 --> 00:56:31,991 He hasn't touched the painting, not without rubber gloves on. 899 00:56:33,226 --> 00:56:35,395 - I'm shaking. - It's the shock. 900 00:56:35,495 --> 00:56:38,431 Shock, yes. I'm shocked there's a stolen masterpiece in me wardrobe. 901 00:56:38,531 --> 00:56:39,733 I'm taking it back. 902 00:56:40,266 --> 00:56:42,235 Anything else I need to know? 903 00:56:43,690 --> 00:56:45,705 - I lost me job at the bakery. - Oh, there's a surprise. 904 00:56:45,772 --> 00:56:48,475 I stood up against racial bigotry. 905 00:56:48,575 --> 00:56:50,276 - Well done. - Someone had to say something. 906 00:56:50,377 --> 00:56:52,379 Yes, and he's called Martin Luther-bloody-king, 907 00:56:52,445 --> 00:56:53,880 not kempton bunton. 908 00:56:53,947 --> 00:56:58,184 You swore you'd get a job. We had an agreement. 909 00:56:58,752 --> 00:57:00,186 You lied. 910 00:57:00,787 --> 00:57:03,256 You lied. You lied when you said all this would stop. 911 00:57:03,323 --> 00:57:05,291 You don't care, do you? No, no, no, it's just... 912 00:57:05,358 --> 00:57:08,280 Just me, me, me, isn't it? No one else exists. 913 00:57:09,529 --> 00:57:11,531 Pammy knows I've got it. 914 00:57:12,532 --> 00:57:13,733 Oh, heavens. 915 00:57:13,833 --> 00:57:16,269 There's a reward. 5,000. She's after the money. 916 00:57:16,369 --> 00:57:17,570 So then if... 917 00:57:17,671 --> 00:57:19,606 - She'll go to the police. - It's possible, but... 918 00:57:19,706 --> 00:57:21,708 - And they'll come here. - Only if it's... 919 00:57:21,775 --> 00:57:23,610 In the street! 920 00:57:23,710 --> 00:57:26,546 - They'll drag you out in handcuffs! - Listen. Listen, calm down. 921 00:57:26,613 --> 00:57:27,947 I can't calm down! 922 00:57:28,140 --> 00:57:29,516 I'm at top pitch! 923 00:57:29,616 --> 00:57:33,153 I'm taking the painting back to London tonight quietly. 924 00:57:33,253 --> 00:57:36,156 That would be the best thing for us. For all of us. 925 00:57:36,256 --> 00:57:38,124 I might have to do a bit of time... 926 00:57:38,191 --> 00:57:40,960 It's a £140,000 painting. You'll do life! 927 00:57:41,270 --> 00:57:42,529 No, love, it's not like that. 928 00:57:42,629 --> 00:57:46,733 I was gonna use it for, you know, the greater good of mankind. 929 00:57:46,833 --> 00:57:49,536 Mankind! What about your own kind? 930 00:57:49,602 --> 00:57:52,706 You've broken this family. You're disgusting. 931 00:57:53,206 --> 00:57:56,443 Get out, you bastard. Just go... get out! 932 00:58:07,787 --> 00:58:11,324 Dad! Dad, I'm coming with you. 933 00:58:11,391 --> 00:58:12,892 No, you're not. This is my thing. 934 00:58:12,992 --> 00:58:14,561 - No, but, dad... - Nothing to do with you. 935 00:58:14,561 --> 00:58:16,396 Now, stay and look after your mother. 936 00:59:07,147 --> 00:59:08,615 Excuse me, sir. 937 00:59:09,416 --> 00:59:11,251 Are you taking one of our paintings? 938 00:59:12,352 --> 00:59:14,654 No, son. I'm bringing one back. 939 00:59:16,690 --> 00:59:19,125 Ueponefl meanwhile, in an unexpected development, 940 00:59:19,192 --> 00:59:22,996 goya's portrait of the Duke of Wellington has been returned, by hand, 941 00:59:23,630 --> 00:59:24,197 to where it was stolen 942 00:59:24,297 --> 00:59:26,232 from London's national gallery. 943 00:59:26,266 --> 00:59:28,501 At a press conference, an official described 944 00:59:28,568 --> 00:59:31,438 how a member of the public had simply walked in off the streets 945 00:59:31,538 --> 00:59:35,275 with the painting under his arm, wrapped up in a bit of old brown paper. 946 00:59:35,375 --> 00:59:38,411 And when our reporter tried it, nobody batted an eyelid. 947 00:59:38,478 --> 00:59:40,347 Devlin looked down from his bench and said, 948 00:59:40,380 --> 00:59:43,160 "mr hutchinson, are you trying to show this court contempt?" 949 00:59:43,116 --> 00:59:45,518 I said, "my lord, no, I'm actually trying to hide it." 950 00:59:46,686 --> 00:59:49,122 Well, first rule of advocacy: Don't be funnier than the judge. 951 00:59:49,155 --> 00:59:50,156 Yes. 952 00:59:50,223 --> 00:59:52,859 Mr bunton, I'm your barrister, Jeremy hutchinson. 953 00:59:52,959 --> 00:59:54,527 Oh, that's a shame. 954 00:59:54,627 --> 00:59:56,696 I thought you were going to offer me a gin and tonic. 955 00:59:57,564 --> 00:59:58,765 Well, I'm out tonight. 956 00:59:58,865 --> 01:00:01,101 My wife is in the cherry orchard. 957 01:00:01,201 --> 01:00:03,770 Playing ranevskaya? 4ndeed. 958 01:00:04,904 --> 01:00:07,140 Like life, I can never decide if the cherry orchard 959 01:00:07,240 --> 01:00:08,975 is a tragedy or a farce. 960 01:00:09,750 --> 01:00:10,710 You know the play? 961 01:00:10,777 --> 01:00:13,813 It's one of me favourites. I lost a child meself. 962 01:00:14,881 --> 01:00:15,982 I'm sorry. 963 01:00:16,850 --> 01:00:18,180 I'm a playwright. 964 01:00:18,651 --> 01:00:20,920 As a matter of fact, I prefer Chekhov to Shakespeare. 965 01:00:20,987 --> 01:00:23,656 For me, the bard is overfond of his kings. 966 01:00:23,723 --> 01:00:25,625 Eric crowther. Junior counsel. 967 01:00:25,692 --> 01:00:29,329 Mr hutchinson's wife is the actress dame Peggy ashcroft. 968 01:00:29,396 --> 01:00:32,365 - Yes. - Oh. You're a lucky man. 969 01:00:32,432 --> 01:00:33,433 Well... 970 01:00:33,533 --> 01:00:35,935 Court number one, eh? 971 01:00:36,360 --> 01:00:38,380 - Mmm. - The old Bailey. 972 01:00:38,104 --> 01:00:40,373 The crucible of British criminal justice. 973 01:00:40,440 --> 01:00:43,877 - Dr crippen. - Derek Bentley. Ruth Ellis. 974 01:00:44,744 --> 01:00:46,880 Well, they were all hung... I mean, hanged. 975 01:00:46,946 --> 01:00:49,616 Well, they didn't have mr hutchinson defending them. 976 01:00:50,283 --> 01:00:53,186 - Who's prosecuting? - Neddie cussen. 977 01:00:53,953 --> 01:00:56,322 - Score's seven to two. - To you? 978 01:00:56,389 --> 01:00:59,626 To him. Yes, born prosecutor, neddie. 979 01:00:59,693 --> 01:01:02,195 Defendant's always guilty until proven innocent. 980 01:01:02,295 --> 01:01:03,663 Well, can you get me off? 981 01:01:05,565 --> 01:01:06,599 Mr bunton... 982 01:01:07,734 --> 01:01:10,570 You returned the goya by hand and confessed to the theft. 983 01:01:10,670 --> 01:01:13,640 You gave the police a detailed explanation of how you stole it 984 01:01:13,740 --> 01:01:15,809 and you've explained your motive. 985 01:01:16,609 --> 01:01:18,111 Can I get you off? 986 01:01:20,714 --> 01:01:22,482 Almost certainly not. 987 01:01:23,450 --> 01:01:25,251 Meanwhile, 988 01:01:25,285 --> 01:01:28,154 kempton bunton, the newcastle man accused of stealing 989 01:01:28,254 --> 01:01:32,225 goya's portrait of the Duke of Wellington, arrived at the old Bailey this morning 990 01:01:32,325 --> 01:01:34,494 for the first day of his trial. 991 01:01:34,561 --> 01:01:36,290 And it was quite an entrance. 992 01:01:36,129 --> 01:01:37,764 Ueponefl did you steal the goya, mr bunton? 993 01:01:37,764 --> 01:01:39,232 No, I borrowed it. 994 01:01:39,733 --> 01:01:42,268 - Why? - For the greater good. 995 01:01:43,360 --> 01:01:44,437 We can still get there. 996 01:01:46,906 --> 01:01:49,420 He's made his bed. He can lie in it. 997 01:01:53,313 --> 01:01:55,115 The rest of the day was taken up 998 01:01:55,148 --> 01:01:57,417 with empanelling the 12 citizens, 999 01:01:57,484 --> 01:01:59,419 12 good men and women 1000 01:01:59,486 --> 01:02:02,220 who will tomorrow begin to hear what promises to be 1001 01:02:02,122 --> 01:02:04,958 one of the most eagerly awaited criminal trials 1002 01:02:05,250 --> 01:02:06,192 since the war. 1003 01:02:06,292 --> 01:02:08,828 Another triumph for the Duke of Wellington. 1004 01:02:08,895 --> 01:02:12,699 And as queues begin to gather for access to the public gallery, 1005 01:02:12,766 --> 01:02:16,200 there is no doubt that even by the old Bailey's standards, 1006 01:02:16,690 --> 01:02:19,339 this one looks like being a very hot ticket. 1007 01:02:25,745 --> 01:02:27,447 Are you kempton bunton? 1008 01:02:28,348 --> 01:02:30,950 But not named after kempton racetrack, 1009 01:02:31,170 --> 01:02:33,119 as some would have it. 1010 01:02:33,186 --> 01:02:35,622 Even though it is probable that I was conceived there. 1011 01:02:35,689 --> 01:02:37,457 It's a yes-or-no answer. 1012 01:02:38,240 --> 01:02:39,392 Yes, my lord. 1013 01:02:39,492 --> 01:02:41,695 Me mother named me after kempton Cannon, 1014 01:02:41,795 --> 01:02:45,310 the jockey who rode st amant, the winner of that year's derby. 1015 01:02:45,899 --> 01:02:49,369 - Do you want me to explain bunton? - I didn't want you to explain kempton. 1016 01:02:50,870 --> 01:02:52,339 Charges. 1017 01:02:53,740 --> 01:02:55,375 Kempton bunton, you are charged 1018 01:02:55,442 --> 01:02:58,745 that on the 21st of march, 1961, 1019 01:02:58,812 --> 01:03:01,247 you stole a picture frame to the value of £80, 1020 01:03:01,314 --> 01:03:03,283 property of the national gallery. 1021 01:03:03,350 --> 01:03:05,652 How do you plead, guilty or not guilty? 1022 01:03:05,752 --> 01:03:06,820 Not guilty. 1023 01:03:06,920 --> 01:03:10,230 In the second count, you are charged that on the same day, 1024 01:03:10,123 --> 01:03:14,961 you stole from the national gallery the portrait of the Duke of Wellington 1025 01:03:15,280 --> 01:03:17,564 by the artist Francisco goya 1026 01:03:17,664 --> 01:03:21,000 to the value of£140,000. 1027 01:03:21,670 --> 01:03:23,169 How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty? 1028 01:03:23,236 --> 01:03:25,105 - Not guilty. - Yes! 1029 01:03:27,207 --> 01:03:29,420 For those unfamiliar with court proceedings, 1030 01:03:29,750 --> 01:03:31,440 that was the plea, not the verdict. 1031 01:03:32,879 --> 01:03:37,170 Kempton bunton, you are further charged that following the theft of the portrait, 1032 01:03:37,117 --> 01:03:40,286 you made demands with menaces for its return. 1033 01:03:40,353 --> 01:03:42,155 Do you plead guilty or not guilty? 1034 01:03:42,255 --> 01:03:43,456 Not guilty. 1035 01:03:43,523 --> 01:03:45,658 And that you created a public nuisance 1036 01:03:45,725 --> 01:03:49,562 by depriving members of the public of the opportunity to view the portrait. 1037 01:03:49,662 --> 01:03:51,898 Do you plead guilty or not guilty? 1038 01:03:51,998 --> 01:03:53,566 Same again, love. Not guilty. 1039 01:03:55,235 --> 01:03:56,236 Mr cussen. 1040 01:03:58,710 --> 01:03:59,606 Thank you, my lord. 1041 01:03:59,706 --> 01:04:03,877 And at 5:00 am, when you returned from your rest break, 1042 01:04:03,943 --> 01:04:05,612 what did you see? 1043 01:04:05,712 --> 01:04:08,140 The painting was gone, sir. Clearly stolen. 1044 01:04:09,820 --> 01:04:10,483 Thank you. 1045 01:04:10,583 --> 01:04:12,686 Uh, mr edbury, if you could remain there, 1046 01:04:12,786 --> 01:04:15,488 my learned friend will have some questions for you. 1047 01:04:17,857 --> 01:04:19,590 Mr hutchinson. 1048 01:04:21,361 --> 01:04:22,896 No questions, my lord. 1049 01:04:23,997 --> 01:04:27,333 "The conception, design and execution of this act 1050 01:04:27,400 --> 01:04:30,437 was solely, singularly and entirely my own." 1051 01:04:30,937 --> 01:04:34,641 - And that statement is signed? - Kempton bunton. 1052 01:04:35,642 --> 01:04:37,544 Thank you, detective inspector. 1053 01:04:37,610 --> 01:04:40,880 If you would stay there, mr hutchinson will have some questions for you. 1054 01:04:43,416 --> 01:04:44,918 Mr hutchinson. 1055 01:04:45,752 --> 01:04:48,488 The defence has no questions for this witness. 1056 01:04:50,190 --> 01:04:52,492 At this rate, we'll be finished by tea. 1057 01:04:53,126 --> 01:04:54,294 And, dr unsworth, 1058 01:04:54,361 --> 01:04:56,563 what is your professional opinion of the hand? 1059 01:04:57,397 --> 01:05:01,000 The childlike scrawl across all the ransom notes is, 1060 01:05:01,670 --> 01:05:02,936 when compared to his normal script, 1061 01:05:03,360 --> 01:05:06,940 unequivocally the feebly disguised hand of the accused, mr bunton. 1062 01:05:07,400 --> 01:05:10,610 I'm grateful, dr unsworth. If you would remain on stand. 1063 01:05:11,444 --> 01:05:13,747 Any cross examination, mr hutchinson, 1064 01:05:13,813 --> 01:05:16,160 or are you trying to give it up? 1065 01:05:17,317 --> 01:05:19,119 The defence has no questions for this witness. 1066 01:05:27,660 --> 01:05:30,296 - What are you doing? - The dirt in this house. 1067 01:05:30,363 --> 01:05:31,364 Stop it. 1068 01:05:31,398 --> 01:05:33,266 Someone's gotta keep this place clean. 1069 01:05:33,266 --> 01:05:36,102 Lord knows your father will drag us into the gutter. 1070 01:05:37,604 --> 01:05:38,872 That's not true. 1071 01:05:38,938 --> 01:05:41,374 And it's not dad's fault Marian died. 1072 01:05:41,441 --> 01:05:43,843 He bought her that bike, so as far as he's concerned, he killed her. 1073 01:05:43,877 --> 01:05:47,380 - Do you think I don't know that? - Well, tell him, then. Talk about it. 1074 01:05:47,447 --> 01:05:50,450 Why do you think he does his plays and his leaflets and petitions? 1075 01:05:50,517 --> 01:05:53,119 - Defend him all you like. - I stole the painting. 1076 01:05:54,287 --> 01:05:56,856 Do you hear me? I stole the goya. 1077 01:05:58,240 --> 01:05:59,250 What? 1078 01:06:00,560 --> 01:06:03,329 No. No, you didn't take that painting. 1079 01:06:03,396 --> 01:06:06,700 - No, you did not. - Aye. It was me, not dad. 1080 01:06:08,501 --> 01:06:12,372 Please, no, no, just please tell me you're talking nonsense, Jackie bunton. 1081 01:06:14,240 --> 01:06:16,109 - Oh, my god, I'm shaking. - Mam. 1082 01:06:16,209 --> 01:06:19,790 - I'm shaking. Look at me. I'm shaking. - I was just... 1083 01:06:19,145 --> 01:06:20,847 Stop it. You're just making yourself shake. 1084 01:06:20,880 --> 01:06:21,981 - No. - Sit down. 1085 01:06:22,820 --> 01:06:23,516 Oh! 1086 01:06:23,616 --> 01:06:24,751 What... 1087 01:06:25,919 --> 01:06:26,920 Well, 1088 01:06:27,587 --> 01:06:29,189 when did you go to London? 1089 01:06:32,359 --> 01:06:33,960 It was that week I took off work. 1090 01:06:34,270 --> 01:06:37,364 But you... you said you went to Leeds. 1091 01:06:38,765 --> 01:06:40,367 You lied. 1092 01:06:40,433 --> 01:06:43,690 I was sick of you skivvying for lady muck. 1093 01:06:43,169 --> 01:06:45,372 Sick of them all laughing at dad. 1094 01:06:45,438 --> 01:06:48,641 I thought the painting might be like, well, it might change everything. 1095 01:06:48,742 --> 01:06:51,277 So you're a liar and a thief. 1096 01:06:51,378 --> 01:06:53,947 I just thought if he had something them bloody toffs wanted, 1097 01:06:54,470 --> 01:06:56,816 they'd have to listen to, you know, his TV crusade. 1098 01:06:56,916 --> 01:06:59,352 Crusade? Jesus Christ, is he now? 1099 01:07:04,624 --> 01:07:05,725 But how? 1100 01:07:06,393 --> 01:07:08,228 I mean, how did you take it? 1101 01:07:10,397 --> 01:07:11,398 I cased the gallery. 1102 01:07:12,899 --> 01:07:17,300 The goya was just sat there on an easel, not even a guard standing by it. 1103 01:07:18,605 --> 01:07:21,708 All I had to do was find somewhere I could break in. 1104 01:07:23,276 --> 01:07:24,711 I went to the toilet. 1105 01:07:25,412 --> 01:07:28,181 And I opened the toilet window and leaned out. 1106 01:07:28,848 --> 01:07:33,190 There was a courtyard below with all builders' stuff and ladders. 1107 01:07:34,354 --> 01:07:35,422 Excuse me, mate. 1108 01:07:35,488 --> 01:07:37,924 I went up to the security fella and asked him how you get a job. 1109 01:07:37,957 --> 01:07:39,359 Well, you could try the office. 1110 01:07:39,459 --> 01:07:42,280 Cleaners' work, early mornings. 4:30. 1111 01:07:42,896 --> 01:07:45,331 Get night rates, though. Lucky buggers. 1112 01:07:46,320 --> 01:07:47,400 I was born lucky. 1113 01:07:48,601 --> 01:07:50,203 And then I figured, 1114 01:07:50,704 --> 01:07:54,400 if the cleaners were in at half-4:00, they'd have to turn the alarms off. 1115 01:07:54,607 --> 01:07:55,942 So I went back early morning. 1116 01:07:57,377 --> 01:07:59,646 Put a ladder up just below the toilet window, 1117 01:08:00,780 --> 01:08:02,820 climbed up and... 1118 01:08:02,682 --> 01:08:05,819 I could hear one of them automatic floor polishers. 1119 01:08:07,420 --> 01:08:09,589 So I waited until he'd passed and then I... 1120 01:08:11,691 --> 01:08:13,493 I just walked across the floor. 1121 01:08:13,560 --> 01:08:15,695 Don't suppose you've ever been to newcastle? 1122 01:08:22,680 --> 01:08:23,837 What did your father say when you told him? 1123 01:08:25,438 --> 01:08:26,806 ****ing hell! 1124 01:08:26,906 --> 01:08:29,743 - What do you think? - I think... ****ing hell! 1125 01:08:29,809 --> 01:08:31,144 140 grand. 1126 01:08:31,244 --> 01:08:33,646 If you could sell it, which you can't. 1127 01:08:33,747 --> 01:08:35,415 I know. I'm not daft. 1128 01:08:35,482 --> 01:08:38,351 But for pictures, the insurance will pay out 10% for safe returns. 1129 01:08:38,451 --> 01:08:40,954 - Have you got a screw loose? - Are you angry with us? 1130 01:08:41,210 --> 01:08:44,224 Angry? No, I'm furious, you stupid *****! 1131 01:08:44,324 --> 01:08:46,726 You've nicked the best-known painting on the planet. 1132 01:08:46,826 --> 01:08:47,961 'Kinnell! 1133 01:08:48,280 --> 01:08:50,830 Why can't we use it to get them free telly licences? 1134 01:08:50,897 --> 01:08:51,931 Blackmail the bastards. 1135 01:08:52,320 --> 01:08:55,101 Hold the bugger to ransom to better the lot of the common man? 1136 01:08:56,690 --> 01:08:57,404 One problem. 1137 01:08:58,938 --> 01:09:00,730 What's that? 1138 01:09:00,140 --> 01:09:03,610 Two words. Mrs Dorothy bunton. 1139 01:09:05,979 --> 01:09:07,313 We'll have to hide it from her. 1140 01:09:07,414 --> 01:09:10,250 You can't hide anything from a woman in her own house. 1141 01:09:10,316 --> 01:09:12,786 No, if she finds it, I stole it. 1142 01:09:12,852 --> 01:09:15,855 - I'm not having you take the blame. - I stole it. 1143 01:09:19,250 --> 01:09:21,361 On the telly, it was in a frame. 1144 01:09:21,461 --> 01:09:23,897 Shit. I took it off. 1145 01:09:24,698 --> 01:09:27,233 I must have left it under the bed in me digs. Sorry. 1146 01:09:27,333 --> 01:09:30,300 You'd lose your balls if they weren't in a bag. 1147 01:09:32,906 --> 01:09:35,108 It's not very good, is it? 1148 01:10:09,909 --> 01:10:14,814 "I do solemnly, sincerely and truly declare and affirm" 1149 01:10:15,315 --> 01:10:20,587 that the evidence I shall give shall be the truth, the whole truth... 1150 01:10:20,653 --> 01:10:22,889 "And nothing but the truth." 1151 01:10:22,989 --> 01:10:25,191 Excuse me. Thank you. 1152 01:10:30,997 --> 01:10:33,660 How old are you, mr bunton? 1153 01:10:33,166 --> 01:10:35,535 I don't know. I feel about 23. 1154 01:10:36,770 --> 01:10:38,605 You don't know your date of birth? 1155 01:10:38,672 --> 01:10:40,407 I never had a birth certificate. 1156 01:10:40,473 --> 01:10:41,741 1900, I think. 1157 01:10:41,808 --> 01:10:43,710 Do you know where you were born? 1158 01:10:43,777 --> 01:10:45,378 The back bedroom. 1159 01:10:47,213 --> 01:10:49,115 Of your mother's house in newcastle? 1160 01:10:49,182 --> 01:10:50,830 Byker. 1161 01:10:50,150 --> 01:10:53,486 If newcastle was a dog, you lifted its tail, 1162 01:10:53,586 --> 01:10:55,588 that hole there, that's byker. 1163 01:10:57,791 --> 01:11:02,280 Your father fought in the first world war at ypres. 1164 01:11:02,128 --> 01:11:04,130 Wipers. He weren't an officer. 1165 01:11:04,698 --> 01:11:06,399 He came back in a wheelchair? 1166 01:11:06,499 --> 01:11:09,350 Aye. Tank ran over his legs. 1167 01:11:09,102 --> 01:11:11,705 How did he feel about the Germans after that? 1168 01:11:11,771 --> 01:11:14,474 Never a bad word. The Germans didn't have tanks. 1169 01:11:14,574 --> 01:11:16,976 You helped him to run his business. 1170 01:11:17,770 --> 01:11:19,979 Aye. He was a street bookie, and I did his running for him. 1171 01:11:20,800 --> 01:11:23,750 It was illegal, but you could bribe the beat Bobby with 12 shillings. 1172 01:11:23,817 --> 01:11:24,984 I was as guilty as anybody... 1173 01:11:25,180 --> 01:11:27,554 And who hasn't been guilty of a youthful indiscretion, 1174 01:11:27,587 --> 01:11:28,955 ladies and gentlemen of the jury? 1175 01:11:29,220 --> 01:11:32,325 The past, as they say, is another country. 1176 01:11:32,959 --> 01:11:36,996 Your father died, and you lived with your mother who ran pubs. 1177 01:11:37,630 --> 01:11:38,732 Aye. It were a rough game, 1178 01:11:38,832 --> 01:11:40,700 but she had a left hook like Henry Cooper's. 1179 01:11:40,767 --> 01:11:43,737 Luckily she didn't cut quite as easy. 1180 01:11:43,837 --> 01:11:45,710 In the second world war, 1181 01:11:45,171 --> 01:11:47,140 you were refused service on medical grounds. 1182 01:11:47,240 --> 01:11:49,275 I done me bit. I drove lorries. 1183 01:11:49,876 --> 01:11:51,277 You married young? 1184 01:11:51,378 --> 01:11:53,646 - I had to marry. - "Had to marry"? 1185 01:11:54,681 --> 01:11:58,180 It was love. The decision was made for me. 1186 01:11:59,652 --> 01:12:02,288 Did you intend to steal this painting 1187 01:12:02,355 --> 01:12:05,859 in the sense of permanently depriving the gallery of it? 1188 01:12:05,959 --> 01:12:06,960 Never. 1189 01:12:07,560 --> 01:12:10,797 Did you ever demand money with menaces at any time from anyone? 1190 01:12:10,864 --> 01:12:12,980 No, sir. 1191 01:12:12,198 --> 01:12:15,835 In 1960, did you communicate with the post office 1192 01:12:15,902 --> 01:12:17,671 about your television licence? 1193 01:12:17,737 --> 01:12:19,873 Aye, I told them I had no intention of paying it 1194 01:12:19,939 --> 01:12:21,307 because I couldn't receive BBC. 1195 01:12:21,408 --> 01:12:23,176 You went to prison for not paying it. 1196 01:12:23,209 --> 01:12:24,210 I did. 1197 01:12:24,277 --> 01:12:27,981 On your release, you continued a campaign for free television 1198 01:12:28,810 --> 01:12:30,684 for pensioners and war veterans, is that correct? 1199 01:12:30,784 --> 01:12:34,287 I could afford a licence myself. It was about the principle of the thing. 1200 01:12:34,354 --> 01:12:37,724 All me life I've looked out for other people and got into trouble for it. 1201 01:12:37,824 --> 01:12:40,460 When did that begin, looking out for others? 1202 01:12:41,895 --> 01:12:43,530 I were about 14, 1203 01:12:44,898 --> 01:12:46,266 summer holidays. 1204 01:12:46,366 --> 01:12:50,700 I'd just finished reading Joseph Conrad's heart of darkness, 1205 01:12:50,170 --> 01:12:52,572 and I felt a need to explore sunderland. 1206 01:12:54,441 --> 01:12:58,411 But I got distracted and found myself on south shields beach. 1207 01:12:59,145 --> 01:13:01,781 I chucked myself in the sea to cool down. 1208 01:13:01,848 --> 01:13:04,170 A rip tide dragged me out. 1209 01:13:04,818 --> 01:13:07,620 I was on me own, exhausted, about a mile out, 1210 01:13:07,687 --> 01:13:09,823 and I knew there was no way I'd get back in. 1211 01:13:10,390 --> 01:13:12,250 But I had faith. 1212 01:13:12,125 --> 01:13:14,327 Not in god, but in people. 1213 01:13:15,829 --> 01:13:18,298 I knew some nosy bugger would see a pile of clothes on the beach 1214 01:13:18,331 --> 01:13:20,200 and put two and two together. 1215 01:13:21,401 --> 01:13:24,404 So I trusted in that, and waited. 1216 01:13:26,139 --> 01:13:30,944 Conserved me energy by floating, not swimming. 1217 01:13:32,278 --> 01:13:35,849 Looked at the sky... Smile on me face. 1218 01:13:36,616 --> 01:13:38,418 You could call it trust. 1219 01:13:39,319 --> 01:13:42,589 An hour later, the lifeboat pulled up alongside 1220 01:13:42,655 --> 01:13:43,957 and hauled me in. 1221 01:13:44,240 --> 01:13:49,290 The skipper was a milkman from Blyth, by all accounts, a bit of a bastard. 1222 01:13:50,296 --> 01:13:51,831 Excuse my French. 1223 01:13:51,865 --> 01:13:55,350 But, you know, as a milkman, I mean, but there's good and bad in all of us. 1224 01:13:55,535 --> 01:13:56,770 He saved my life that day. 1225 01:13:56,870 --> 01:13:59,720 Could have been anyone, but I knew someone would. 1226 01:13:59,873 --> 01:14:02,275 I'm not me without you. Do you get me? 1227 01:14:02,375 --> 01:14:04,944 - We all need each other? - No, you are me. 1228 01:14:05,645 --> 01:14:09,582 It's you that makes me me, and it's me that makes you you. 1229 01:14:09,649 --> 01:14:11,584 Humanity is a collective project. 1230 01:14:11,651 --> 01:14:15,121 Look, on me own, I'm a single brick. 1231 01:14:15,188 --> 01:14:16,189 A bit useless. 1232 01:14:16,956 --> 01:14:18,892 What good's a brick on its tod? 1233 01:14:18,992 --> 01:14:21,628 But you put a load of bricks together, you get a building. 1234 01:14:21,695 --> 01:14:24,640 You build a building, you create a shadow. 1235 01:14:24,164 --> 01:14:26,232 Already you've changed the world. 1236 01:14:26,332 --> 01:14:28,835 Your philosophy, I think it earns the appellation. 1237 01:14:28,902 --> 01:14:32,505 How did you apply this thinking to your own struggle? 1238 01:14:34,207 --> 01:14:37,577 You can't help the dead, but you can be inspired by them. 1239 01:14:37,644 --> 01:14:40,146 Some of them kids that this country sent out to France and Belgium 1240 01:14:40,146 --> 01:14:42,182 in 1914 came back. 1241 01:14:42,282 --> 01:14:43,583 They're over 65 now, 1242 01:14:43,650 --> 01:14:46,353 pensioners with not two pennies to rub together. 1243 01:14:46,453 --> 01:14:48,188 And isolation, 1244 01:14:48,288 --> 01:14:50,724 or not being connected, to use the modern lingo, 1245 01:14:50,824 --> 01:14:52,192 is no kind of life. 1246 01:14:52,292 --> 01:14:54,461 So what you grandly call my philosophy, 1247 01:14:54,527 --> 01:14:56,229 the "I'm you and you're me" thing, 1248 01:14:56,329 --> 01:15:00,834 tells me that every time someone gets cut off from the rest of us, 1249 01:15:00,900 --> 01:15:04,704 this nation, this country, becomes a foot shorter. 1250 01:15:19,619 --> 01:15:23,289 Mr bunton, I suspect the jury are asking themselves 1251 01:15:23,356 --> 01:15:26,793 how any of this applies to the theft of the goya. 1252 01:15:26,860 --> 01:15:29,229 - Well, I saw on the news... - The itv news? 1253 01:15:30,497 --> 01:15:31,664 Very good. 1254 01:15:31,731 --> 01:15:36,536 I seen that the government was paying out £140,000 for this painting. 1255 01:15:36,603 --> 01:15:38,204 That, for me, became about numbers. 1256 01:15:38,271 --> 01:15:42,442 If you put all that money into a bank account earning 10% interest, 1257 01:15:42,542 --> 01:15:47,113 you could pay for 3,500 TV licences a year 1258 01:15:47,213 --> 01:15:49,150 and reconnect with all them people. 1259 01:15:57,824 --> 01:15:59,526 No further questions, my lord. 1260 01:16:17,911 --> 01:16:23,350 You saw the painting on the itv news, and realising it was worth £140,000, 1261 01:16:23,450 --> 01:16:28,254 you decide to come down to London to steal it for personal gain, didn't you? 1262 01:16:28,321 --> 01:16:30,523 I thought I'd kidnap it for a while, aye. 1263 01:16:32,292 --> 01:16:35,962 Where did you stay whilst you planned the heist? 1264 01:16:36,290 --> 01:16:38,310 I took digs near a bucket shop. 1265 01:16:38,732 --> 01:16:40,200 What's a bucket shop? 1266 01:16:40,266 --> 01:16:43,403 A shop that sells buckets. 1267 01:16:43,503 --> 01:16:45,500 Was that deliberate? 1268 01:16:45,710 --> 01:16:47,574 - No, but it came in useful. - In what way? 1269 01:16:47,640 --> 01:16:50,276 Well, this isn't my city, is it? I don't know my way around. 1270 01:16:50,377 --> 01:16:53,413 So I'd get to Camden and ask a local, "do you know where I can buy a bucket?" 1271 01:16:53,480 --> 01:16:55,115 And that way you would get directions? 1272 01:16:55,181 --> 01:16:57,417 Everyone knows where you can buy a bucket. 1273 01:16:58,852 --> 01:17:01,187 Do you know the address of the shop? 1274 01:17:01,921 --> 01:17:05,580 Why? Do you need a bucket? 1275 01:17:05,892 --> 01:17:07,560 We... no, we need... we... 1276 01:17:07,660 --> 01:17:09,496 Excuse me. We need the address 1277 01:17:09,562 --> 01:17:11,264 because you said that you removed the frame 1278 01:17:11,331 --> 01:17:13,600 and hid it under the bed in your lodgings. 1279 01:17:13,700 --> 01:17:15,435 So is the bucket shop still there? 1280 01:17:15,535 --> 01:17:18,505 I've no idea. I've not been back. I'm not short of buckets meself. 1281 01:17:18,571 --> 01:17:21,875 Mr bunton, you are on trial. 1282 01:17:21,941 --> 01:17:24,770 This is not an audition for a music hall. 1283 01:17:24,144 --> 01:17:25,545 Sorry, my lord. 1284 01:17:32,252 --> 01:17:34,988 What am I looking at? Ten years? 1285 01:17:36,289 --> 01:17:40,393 I'll make my closing speech, and then the judge will give his summing-up, 1286 01:17:40,493 --> 01:17:45,265 which, I warn you, may sound a bit like the second speech for the prosecution. 1287 01:17:46,199 --> 01:17:49,536 All the benches up there have this Latin phrase on them. 1288 01:17:49,602 --> 01:17:52,720 "Domine dirige nos." 1289 01:17:52,172 --> 01:17:53,206 "Lord, direct us." 1290 01:17:53,773 --> 01:17:55,942 God help us, more like. 1291 01:17:58,645 --> 01:18:00,480 Well, I'll give you two some time. 1292 01:18:00,547 --> 01:18:01,915 Please. 1293 01:18:12,325 --> 01:18:14,861 - Well, you're all over the papers. - Am I? 1294 01:18:17,897 --> 01:18:19,599 You could have told me. 1295 01:18:19,699 --> 01:18:21,434 We could have dealt with it together. 1296 01:18:23,169 --> 01:18:24,270 Could we? 1297 01:18:30,276 --> 01:18:31,878 I read the rest of your play. 1298 01:18:32,445 --> 01:18:34,948 I'm sorry you felt you were to blame. You're not. 1299 01:18:41,321 --> 01:18:42,956 I went to see her. 1300 01:18:45,291 --> 01:18:47,694 - Nice spot, isn't it? - Uh-huh. Lovely. 1301 01:18:51,164 --> 01:18:54,670 - Cleaned it up a bit. - I like the wildness. 1302 01:18:55,168 --> 01:18:58,400 - She died in the country. - Any excuse to do nothing. 1303 01:19:04,611 --> 01:19:06,379 How long will you get? 1304 01:19:06,446 --> 01:19:07,580 I don't know. 1305 01:19:08,682 --> 01:19:09,683 Ten years. 1306 01:19:14,688 --> 01:19:16,322 You didn't take the painting. 1307 01:19:17,891 --> 01:19:20,126 Would you rather Jackie was in the dock? 1308 01:19:23,296 --> 01:19:24,898 I'm sorry, Dolly. 1309 01:19:26,933 --> 01:19:28,902 It's a mess. 1310 01:19:33,606 --> 01:19:35,241 It's a mess, all right. 1311 01:19:45,518 --> 01:19:49,255 As night follows day, kempton bunton stole the goya. 1312 01:19:51,157 --> 01:19:52,792 So say the prosecution. 1313 01:19:53,326 --> 01:19:54,894 Now... 1314 01:19:55,962 --> 01:19:57,330 That puzzled me, 1315 01:19:58,498 --> 01:20:02,369 because nothing is a crime in this country 1316 01:20:02,435 --> 01:20:07,107 unless it is expressly forbidden bylaw. 1317 01:20:07,907 --> 01:20:11,978 If your neighbour borrows your lawnmower and doesn't return it for months, 1318 01:20:12,780 --> 01:20:15,682 it is frustrating, it is annoying, 1319 01:20:15,782 --> 01:20:17,851 but it is not theft. 1320 01:20:19,352 --> 01:20:24,224 Because he had no intention of permanently depriving you of it. 1321 01:20:25,492 --> 01:20:28,528 Kempton bunton is your neighbour. 1322 01:20:28,628 --> 01:20:31,331 He is not a thief. 1323 01:20:31,398 --> 01:20:35,100 He borrowed your goya to... 1324 01:20:35,680 --> 01:20:38,405 Try and do a bit of good in this world, 1325 01:20:39,500 --> 01:20:40,407 in a world where... 1326 01:20:42,308 --> 01:20:43,476 I am you... 1327 01:20:45,445 --> 01:20:46,780 And you are me, 1328 01:20:47,447 --> 01:20:49,182 to try and benefit 1329 01:20:49,282 --> 01:20:52,180 some of the most vulnerable people in society. 1330 01:20:52,118 --> 01:20:56,656 He returned it, delivered it in person, the goya. 1331 01:20:56,723 --> 01:21:00,126 Late, yes, yes... 1332 01:21:01,828 --> 01:21:02,829 Yes. 1333 01:21:07,000 --> 01:21:10,270 Who amongst us hasn't been late returning a lawnmower? 1334 01:21:14,207 --> 01:21:16,209 When all is said and done... 1335 01:21:20,647 --> 01:21:22,449 He's a pretty good neighbour, really. 1336 01:21:23,850 --> 01:21:24,851 Isn't he? 1337 01:21:28,421 --> 01:21:29,656 Thank you. 1338 01:21:39,766 --> 01:21:43,690 And in response to mr bunton's confession 1339 01:21:43,169 --> 01:21:45,238 that he took the goya, 1340 01:21:45,338 --> 01:21:47,874 you may consider that as a result of his defence, 1341 01:21:47,941 --> 01:21:50,777 every gallery in the country will be powerless to prevent anyone 1342 01:21:50,877 --> 01:21:54,470 from borrowing a rubens for the weekend, 1343 01:21:54,114 --> 01:21:57,170 to hang in the hallway to impress the chair of the rotary club. 1344 01:21:57,117 --> 01:21:59,753 Can this country really allow such behaviour 1345 01:21:59,819 --> 01:22:02,355 to be placed outside our criminal law? 1346 01:22:02,889 --> 01:22:06,192 Now, that is a question I urge you to focus on now, 1347 01:22:06,960 --> 01:22:10,130 as you retire to consider your verdicts. 1348 01:22:24,911 --> 01:22:26,413 This is a good sandwich. 1349 01:22:27,914 --> 01:22:28,948 It is. 1350 01:22:29,150 --> 01:22:31,284 For cheese. 1351 01:23:02,949 --> 01:23:04,984 Will the foreman please stand? 1352 01:23:05,618 --> 01:23:07,120 And the defendant. 1353 01:23:08,121 --> 01:23:09,656 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 1354 01:23:09,756 --> 01:23:13,393 have you reached verdicts upon which all 12 of you are agreed? 1355 01:23:14,227 --> 01:23:15,228 We have. 1356 01:23:15,829 --> 01:23:18,398 On the charge of the theft of a picture frame 1357 01:23:18,398 --> 01:23:22,680 to the value of £80, property of the national gallery, 1358 01:23:22,168 --> 01:23:24,604 do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty? 1359 01:23:24,704 --> 01:23:25,705 Guilty. 1360 01:23:29,609 --> 01:23:32,278 Establishment fix-up! Establishment fix-up! 1361 01:23:32,379 --> 01:23:34,481 There will be silence! 1362 01:23:35,281 --> 01:23:37,951 Or I shall order the public gallery cleared. 1363 01:23:39,953 --> 01:23:42,689 On the charge of the theft of the goya portrait 1364 01:23:42,789 --> 01:23:44,157 of the Duke of Wellington, 1365 01:23:44,224 --> 01:23:47,360 do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty? 1366 01:23:58,705 --> 01:23:59,973 Not guilty. 1367 01:24:14,487 --> 01:24:17,457 On the charge of demanding money with menaces 1368 01:24:17,524 --> 01:24:18,825 for the return of the portrait, 1369 01:24:18,892 --> 01:24:21,695 do you find the defendant guilty or not guilty? 1370 01:24:21,795 --> 01:24:22,862 Not guilty. 1371 01:24:25,699 --> 01:24:26,766 Silence! 1372 01:24:27,367 --> 01:24:29,402 Silence in court. 1373 01:24:30,937 --> 01:24:33,573 On the charge of creating a public nuisance 1374 01:24:33,640 --> 01:24:36,710 by depriving members of the public of the opportunity to view the portrait, 1375 01:24:36,776 --> 01:24:38,178 do you find the defendant guilty... 1376 01:24:38,244 --> 01:24:39,446 Not guilty. 1377 01:24:45,919 --> 01:24:48,521 It's a hat-trick! 1378 01:24:48,621 --> 01:24:50,323 Whoo! 1379 01:24:54,494 --> 01:24:57,197 Silence! Silence in court. 1380 01:24:59,899 --> 01:25:02,100 I will have silence. 1381 01:25:03,770 --> 01:25:06,506 Silence in court! 1382 01:25:06,573 --> 01:25:07,974 remove that woman. 1383 01:25:08,742 --> 01:25:10,610 I'm not going anywhere. 1384 01:25:34,501 --> 01:25:36,690 thank you. 1385 01:25:46,479 --> 01:25:48,348 Give us one of those bags. 1386 01:25:49,282 --> 01:25:51,284 - You're here. - Course I'm here. 1387 01:25:51,351 --> 01:25:53,119 Where else do you think I'd be? 1388 01:25:53,853 --> 01:25:56,956 I haven't been wasting me time. I've written a couple of plays. 1389 01:25:57,230 --> 01:25:58,358 Hmm. 1390 01:25:58,458 --> 01:26:00,627 Shakespeare must be shivering in his boots. 1391 01:26:00,694 --> 01:26:04,164 I expect so. And Chekhov. 1392 01:26:05,498 --> 01:26:06,733 Who's Chekhov? 1393 01:26:08,368 --> 01:26:11,171 Do you remember that play we went to see about the three sisters? 1394 01:26:38,365 --> 01:26:39,833 There she is. 1395 01:26:48,141 --> 01:26:50,810 - Welcome home, dad. - Welcome home, dad. 1396 01:26:50,910 --> 01:26:52,545 I'll put the kettle on. 1397 01:26:53,980 --> 01:26:55,448 Is one of those for me? 1398 01:26:57,817 --> 01:26:58,918 Wet your whistle. 1399 01:26:58,985 --> 01:27:00,820 - Cheers. - Cheers. 1400 01:27:05,358 --> 01:27:08,280 - I needed that. - I bet you did. 1401 01:27:08,128 --> 01:27:09,829 Best I've ever tasted. 1402 01:27:18,380 --> 01:27:20,206 The director of public prosecutions and I 1403 01:27:20,273 --> 01:27:23,209 have considered the evidence in the case, 1404 01:27:24,444 --> 01:27:25,612 and your confession. 1405 01:27:27,547 --> 01:27:31,685 It goes without saying, it is an offence of the utmost gravity. 1406 01:27:33,787 --> 01:27:37,290 However, in order to prosecute, 1407 01:27:37,357 --> 01:27:39,159 we would be compelled to call... 1408 01:27:41,361 --> 01:27:42,529 The original defendant. 1409 01:27:42,629 --> 01:27:44,631 It puts us in a delicate position, 1410 01:27:45,432 --> 01:27:48,935 given the public spectacle your father seems to create. 1411 01:27:49,703 --> 01:27:51,871 So, it has been decided that... 1412 01:27:53,907 --> 01:27:56,576 Prosecuting you may not be in the public interest. 1413 01:27:56,643 --> 01:28:00,113 What, you mean kempton would make you look stupid again? 1414 01:28:00,947 --> 01:28:01,948 Sorry. I didn't mean... 1415 01:28:02,150 --> 01:28:05,919 Of course, if a single word of this were ever to go beyond these walls, 1416 01:28:05,985 --> 01:28:07,954 we could always change our minds. 1417 01:28:09,356 --> 01:28:11,570 - Clear? - Clear. 1418 01:28:22,736 --> 01:28:24,237 - Kene? - I will. 1419 01:28:24,337 --> 01:28:26,806 - Will you marry me? - I just said I will. 1420 01:28:29,342 --> 01:28:32,912 A medium dry Martini, lemon peel, shaken, not stirred. 1421 01:28:33,130 --> 01:28:34,681 - Vodka? - Of course. 1422 01:28:45,525 --> 01:28:47,527 It's that bloody picture again. 1423 01:28:47,560 --> 01:28:49,329 He should put that into a wardrobe. 1424 01:28:49,829 --> 01:28:51,798 He'd have to get Jackie to fix it for him. 1425 01:28:53,660 --> 01:28:55,902 Well, dr no, you haven't done badly, considering. 1426 01:28:55,969 --> 01:28:58,104 A handicap is what you make of it...