1 00:00:14,447 --> 00:00:17,450 [audience cheering and applauding] 2 00:00:39,172 --> 00:00:41,474 [Bert] When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian mafia. 3 00:00:41,474 --> 00:00:42,909 Here's how it happened. 4 00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:45,110 [audience cheering] 5 00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:49,490 I went to school at Florida State. I was not a very good student. 6 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,170 This is how bad I was. 7 00:00:51,170 --> 00:00:54,540 I signed up for a Russian class one time, thinking it was Spanish. 8 00:00:54,540 --> 00:00:56,890 And it took me three classes before I realized, 9 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,491 -"I don't think this is Spanish." - [audience laughs] 10 00:00:58,491 --> 00:01:03,530 So I took Russian 1, 2, 3, and 4, never learned a ****ing word. 11 00:01:03,530 --> 00:01:04,597 MOSCOW 12 00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:06,766 The end of Russian 4, same teacher pulls me aside. 13 00:01:06,766 --> 00:01:08,668 She's like, "Yo, we're taking a trip to Russia. 14 00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:10,337 If you go, you'll get a minor." 15 00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:12,672 I was like, "Strasvutsia, *****es, I'm back!" 16 00:01:12,672 --> 00:01:13,740 [audience laughs] 17 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,742 We went to Russia. The Russian mob ran everything. 18 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,344 And they told us that our first night. 19 00:01:17,344 --> 00:01:19,746 I'm in the back of the class like, "This trip just got ****ing awesome." 20 00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:20,847 VOLGOVITCH CASINO 21 00:01:20,847 --> 00:01:23,917 Then, like, in exchange for our money, they gave us two young gangsters. 22 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,952 The word for that in Russian is "banditti." 23 00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:28,388 [continues on TV] So I ended up befriending the banditti. 24 00:01:28,388 --> 00:01:30,623 [ominous music playing] 25 00:01:30,623 --> 00:01:34,394 Then, one night, the whole class is taking an overnight train trip to Moscow. 26 00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:37,263 We roll to the bar car like a big **** in a locker room. 27 00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:40,533 Just, not that I've ever been that guy, but I've seen it. 28 00:01:40,533 --> 00:01:43,103 So the banditti says to me, 29 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:46,139 "Don't worry. When it gets dark, we have good time." 30 00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:48,241 I'm like, "What are we doing when it gets dark?" 31 00:01:49,750 --> 00:01:51,144 Reaches into his pocket, pulls a ring of keys out. 32 00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:53,480 He goes, "We're robbing the whole ****ing train." 33 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:54,581 Now... 34 00:01:57,550 --> 00:01:59,886 I'm a good per-- I'm an okay person. 35 00:01:59,886 --> 00:02:01,454 [audience laughs] 36 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,656 My point is, we ****ing robbed them. 37 00:02:03,656 --> 00:02:05,558 [music intensifies] 38 00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:08,595 We robbed the whole train, and then we drank hard as shit. 39 00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:12,799 Pull in to Moscow at 6 a.m., hammered, piss drunk. Train stops. 40 00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:13,700 [in Russian] It is him. 41 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:15,502 My whole class, they're in their pajamas. 42 00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:17,504 They're upset. They've been robbed. I get it. 43 00:02:17,504 --> 00:02:22,142 [in Russian] I want what you stole, Machine! 44 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,943 - [gunshots] -I'm the Machine! 45 00:02:23,943 --> 00:02:27,714 They look at me and look at each other and they're like, "**** it! He's the Machine!" 46 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:30,817 [dramatic music playing] 47 00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:41,561 ♪ I thought I saw a man brought to life ♪ 48 00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:48,335 ♪ He was warm He came around like he was dignified ♪ 49 00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:52,672 ♪ He showed me what it was to cry ♪ 50 00:02:54,307 --> 00:02:58,712 ♪ Well, you couldn't be That one I adored ♪ 51 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:05,218 ♪ You don't seem to know Seem to care what your heart is for ♪ 52 00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:09,222 ♪ But I don't know you anymore ♪ 53 00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:15,595 ♪ There's nothing where you used to lie Our conversation has run dry ♪ 54 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:22,200 ♪ That's what's going on Nothing's fine, I'm torn ♪ 55 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:27,640 ♪ I'm all out of faith This is how I feel ♪ 56 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:33,580 ♪ I'm cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor ♪ 57 00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:38,952 ♪ Illusion never changed Into something real ♪ 58 00:03:38,952 --> 00:03:44,591 ♪ I'm wide awake and I can see The perfect sky is torn ♪ 59 00:03:44,591 --> 00:03:50,130 ♪ You're a little late, I'm already torn ♪ 60 00:04:00,273 --> 00:04:02,475 ♪ I'm already torn ♪ 61 00:04:03,376 --> 00:04:06,790 ♪ I'm already torn ♪ 62 00:04:06,790 --> 00:04:08,682 ♪ I'm already torn ♪ 63 00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:14,320 [song fades] 64 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:15,622 [man] Okay. 65 00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:19,492 So, Bert, how we doing today? 66 00:04:19,492 --> 00:04:21,161 I feel fantastic. 67 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:23,763 I'm eating clean. I'm working out. 68 00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:25,131 Blood pressure's down. 69 00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:27,334 No more partying. [chuckles] 70 00:04:27,334 --> 00:04:30,603 I haven't called anyone in this room the C-word in almost three months, huh? 71 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,839 He's never called Tat a C-word. 72 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:35,750 - Oh, she's never acted like a C-word. - Thanks, Dad. 73 00:04:35,750 --> 00:04:37,110 - So Mom and I act like C-words? - [Bert laughs] 74 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,311 You'd be shocked. 75 00:04:38,311 --> 00:04:40,146 - Wait. Just leave it there. - Mom! Mom? 76 00:04:40,146 --> 00:04:41,810 - Okay. Okay. - [Sasha] Mom. 77 00:04:41,810 --> 00:04:42,115 - Mom. - I'm still waiting. 78 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,983 - All right! - That's not fair. 79 00:04:44,484 --> 00:04:46,119 Bert, why are we here? 80 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,456 Well, I wanted you guys to see the progress that I've made. 81 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,724 To see how far I've come. 82 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:53,893 Personal growth isn't something that you need to point out. 83 00:04:53,893 --> 00:04:56,963 Progress is something that your family should be noticing on their own. 84 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,632 Bro, that's why they're here, to notice it. 85 00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,968 Hey, if you're not on my team, shut the **** up, okay? 86 00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,137 Okay, no. Has Bert ever talked about his father? 87 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,438 - No. - [Bert] This has absolutely 88 00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:07,307 - nothing to do with my father. - Huh. 89 00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:09,909 I had an incident with my daughter. 90 00:05:09,909 --> 00:05:11,111 An incident. 91 00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:14,280 That was caused by my lifestyle and my behavior. 92 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:17,117 And I am taking actions to course-correct. 93 00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:18,451 [LeeAnn] And you should know 94 00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:21,488 that he sounds just like his father when he talks like that. 95 00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,455 - [Bert] Hold on. - Yes. 96 00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:24,224 - My father doesn't understand me. - Same. 97 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:25,725 Not same. Not same. 98 00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:27,494 My father's always correcting me. 99 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:29,129 - Same, same. - Not same, same! 100 00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:31,564 Your relationship with me is totally different 101 00:05:31,564 --> 00:05:32,999 than my relationship with Papa. 102 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,535 Okay, girls, please, can you wait outside? 103 00:05:35,535 --> 00:05:37,671 Perfect. Come on, Tat. 104 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:39,673 Deuces. 105 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:40,573 [door opens] 106 00:05:40,573 --> 00:05:41,741 - Ho, ho. - [LeeAnne scoffs] 107 00:05:41,741 --> 00:05:42,676 [door closes] 108 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,577 - So you can see what's going on here? - [Bert] Yeah. 109 00:05:44,577 --> 00:05:46,546 - You just saw that, right? - Yes. 110 00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:49,549 You-- Oh... 111 00:05:50,216 --> 00:05:52,152 Wait. You're talking about me? 112 00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:53,319 Oh, yes. 113 00:05:53,319 --> 00:05:54,587 Oh, **** off. 114 00:05:54,587 --> 00:05:56,723 **** off? **** you! **** off! 115 00:05:56,723 --> 00:05:58,391 Oh, I didn't say it like, "**** off!" 116 00:05:58,391 --> 00:06:00,927 - I said, "**** off." - You do not tell me "**** off." 117 00:06:00,927 --> 00:06:02,562 It's my therapy. I can say whatever I want, right? 118 00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:04,798 - Actually, you can't. - No, like, you signed an oath! 119 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:09,769 Hey! I am going to allow the two of you to talk about his issues with his father. 120 00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:11,338 Deuces, Bert. 121 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,238 [door opens] 122 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:13,707 [door slams] 123 00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:18,745 You know the C-word's "****," right? 124 00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:19,779 [Bert] Okay. Here we go. 125 00:06:19,779 --> 00:06:21,181 Okay. One last push. 126 00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:23,450 - You can get it all in. Get it all in. - [LeeAnn groans] 127 00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:25,352 We got it. It's gonna-- Getting it in! 128 00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:26,886 15 minutes! 15... 129 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,688 Hey, babe! Look who's up! 130 00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,623 [treadmill whirring] 131 00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:32,258 Babe, 96 workouts in a row, 132 00:06:32,258 --> 00:06:34,694 and I still feel like I'm sweating out toxins. 133 00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:36,996 - Still smells like your skin is pissing. - Two more. 134 00:06:36,996 --> 00:06:40,100 One more. Nice. Ho, ho! 135 00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:42,369 - Hey. - [clatters] 136 00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:45,905 Do you think people are gonna think I'm on HGH? Feel that. 137 00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:47,407 - Uh... - Feel my tit. 138 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,642 No, like full-handed. Full-handed. Grab it. 139 00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:51,811 There you go. Nice. 140 00:06:51,811 --> 00:06:53,246 [laughs] I'm making smoothies. 141 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,448 [yells] Who wants smoothies? 142 00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:56,716 [whirring] 143 00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:58,418 [Sasha] Mom, can you please tell him 144 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,187 not to do anything embarrassing at my party today? 145 00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:04,858 Whoa! So that's how we're gonna start our morning? 146 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,160 I haven't done anything publicly embarrassing 147 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,928 in almost three months. 148 00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:11,965 Okay. 149 00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:14,340 But don't go overboard this time. 150 00:07:14,340 --> 00:07:16,200 I just want it to be with my friends. 151 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:16,970 What friends? 152 00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:18,471 Don-- Eas-- Le-- 153 00:07:18,471 --> 00:07:20,140 - So not cool. - Don't. 154 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,809 Are those nut sacks? 155 00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:24,144 No. 156 00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:26,312 It's a pimple for Dr. Pimple Popper. 157 00:07:26,312 --> 00:07:28,848 Oh, you don't think that's a little gross? 158 00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:30,617 Uh, it's totally gross. 159 00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,285 That's why Sasha and I love it. 160 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,753 If you think about it, 161 00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:36,990 it's kind of like a metaphor for her exploding into womanhood. 162 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,162 What is wrong with this shirt? 163 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,000 Supposed to be like this? 164 00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:52,339 Hey, babe. 165 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,642 If I stand like this, does it look tucked in? 166 00:07:56,676 --> 00:07:58,144 Don't wear that shirt. 167 00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:00,180 All right. 168 00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,782 What are these, my dad's shirts? 169 00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:04,317 [sighs] 170 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:07,187 Can you please help me pick out a shirt? 171 00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:09,989 Okay. 172 00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:13,460 I think that this therapy is making everything worse. 173 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:15,261 I think you need to get back on-stage. 174 00:08:15,261 --> 00:08:17,831 [laughs] That's definitely not happening. 175 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,833 - Why? - Sit down. 176 00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:23,870 Have you ever seen The Nutty Professor? 177 00:08:23,870 --> 00:08:25,905 - Uh, no, I have not. - Okay. 178 00:08:25,905 --> 00:08:27,874 Eddie Murphy turns into this one guy, 179 00:08:27,874 --> 00:08:29,175 which is great at first. 180 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,244 But then his family starts hating him 181 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:33,346 and he starts hating himself. 182 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:34,714 Uh-- 183 00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,217 Look. 184 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:43,223 I'm the Machine on-stage. 185 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:45,592 I'm also the Machine off-stage. 186 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,228 I got high and I got drunk, 187 00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:49,963 and I almost got our daughter arrested. 188 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,531 I saw the look in her face. 189 00:08:52,599 --> 00:08:54,367 I was helpless and I couldn't do anything, 190 00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:56,302 and I wanted to kill myself. 191 00:08:57,904 --> 00:09:00,106 I will never let that happen to our family again. 192 00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:03,209 [pensive music playing] 193 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,746 Well, ****, now I wanna watch The Nutty Professor. 194 00:09:06,746 --> 00:09:09,490 It's a pretty good movie. I wish you had watched it. 195 00:09:09,490 --> 00:09:11,251 It's exactly what I'm going through right now. 196 00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:14,988 Maybe for now, for today, we keep it simple. 197 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,920 - I can do simple. - Yeah? 198 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,896 [rock music playing over speakers] 199 00:09:26,966 --> 00:09:28,401 [Bert] There she is. 200 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,736 There's my birthday girl. 201 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,720 Hey, Sash, what do you think of the party? 202 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:33,606 It's kind of big. 203 00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:35,275 Kind of big and awesome, right? 204 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,877 Hey, Bert, does the DJ have any glitchcore? 205 00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:38,978 Hey, Madison... 206 00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,516 I'll go check. 207 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,485 - Hey. Hey. - What's up? 208 00:09:45,485 --> 00:09:47,454 I thought you said you invited, like, ten people. 209 00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,890 Oh, no. I invited a ton. 210 00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:50,724 Well, you can't risk no-shows, babe. 211 00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,759 And partying with six people is ****ing depressing. 212 00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,661 I even invited parents that hate me. 213 00:09:54,661 --> 00:09:56,930 - What's up, Madison's mom? - Oh. Hm. 214 00:09:57,630 --> 00:09:59,466 That guy's a *****. He is such a... 215 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:01,340 She's going through a divorce. Be nice. 216 00:10:01,340 --> 00:10:02,168 - Seriously? - Mm-hm. 217 00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:03,937 Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16. 218 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,172 - It's a big deal. - Yeah, for Sash. 219 00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:08,475 I think Skeletor over there must be the DJ. 220 00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:09,976 Can you tell him where to set up? 221 00:10:09,976 --> 00:10:11,444 Yeah. Hey, Trainspotting. 222 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,470 You have any glitchcore? Wait, is that my boom box? 223 00:10:14,681 --> 00:10:15,515 Yeah. 224 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,785 - Is that my auxiliary cord? - Yeah. 225 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,553 Oh, do you want my phone? 226 00:10:21,521 --> 00:10:22,522 Nah. 227 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:27,794 ****ing disgusting. 228 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,396 Hey, don't do that around the kids. 229 00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:32,632 Actually, you know what? Stay away from the kids. We got music! I think. 230 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,801 Gentlemen, what are you doing up here? Girls are in the pool. 231 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:35,969 They're talking about you. Jump in. 232 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,704 Take your shirts off. Don't piss in my pool. 233 00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:40,306 - Yo, Machine. - Not today, brother. Not today. 234 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:43,376 Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ. Food's to the right, all right? 235 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:44,778 Hey, Kreischer, no booze? 236 00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:46,680 Hey, Madison's mom, no husband? 237 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,715 [laughs] ****ing *****. 238 00:10:48,715 --> 00:10:50,850 Oh, ho-ho-ho! 239 00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,820 Killing it, B-Man. Killing it. 240 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,691 [man clicking tongue and making popping sounds] 241 00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:58,992 Hey there. 242 00:10:59,559 --> 00:11:02,562 [tense music playing] 243 00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:04,964 Dad? 244 00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:06,199 In the flesh. 245 00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:11,604 [chuckles] 246 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:14,607 I see you haven't given up trying to learn how to barbecue. 247 00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:15,875 Good for you, son. 248 00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:18,411 Wait, what are you doing here? 249 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:22,349 Well, I'm not gonna miss my grandkid's sweet 16. 250 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:23,817 It's a big day. 251 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,554 Right. Right. 252 00:11:29,220 --> 00:11:30,230 Well... 253 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:37,997 [clicking tongue and making popping sounds] 254 00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,371 Not gonna flip 'em yet, huh? 255 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:50,100 Might be... Eh, it's okay, it's okay. 256 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:51,378 Really? 257 00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:54,140 Well, I just don't want you to mess 'em up. 258 00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:56,616 You know, then people will be disappointed. 259 00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:58,180 You'll feel bad. 260 00:11:58,180 --> 00:12:00,553 It'll be all that, "Huh, remember Bert's barbecue? 261 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,756 - Those burgers, yikes." - Goddamn it. 262 00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,157 Oh, see? 263 00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,625 Did you add egg to the mix? 264 00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:08,628 - Okay, Dad. - It binds. It moisturizes. 265 00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:10,163 Makes a much better burger. 266 00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:12,499 - Oh. - My dad showed up. 267 00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:13,800 - From Florida? - Yeah. 268 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,736 And it took about two seconds before he started making me mental with the: 269 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:17,637 [clicking tongue] 270 00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:20,640 - Look at him! - Hey, Boo Bear! Hi! 271 00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:22,442 He's a monster. 272 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:23,843 - Oh! - Oh. 273 00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:25,945 Okay, yeah. Breathe it out there, champ. 274 00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:27,681 - [Tatiana] Hey, hey, Dad? - Yes! 275 00:12:27,681 --> 00:12:29,916 Yeah, no. The dog's pooping in the pool. 276 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,284 - What? - [girl] Gross! 277 00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:32,419 Wait, how? 278 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:35,588 You paid money to see my son take off his shirt 279 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:38,124 and tell his made-up story about robbing a train in Russia? 280 00:12:38,124 --> 00:12:40,326 Dad, for the millionth time, it's a true story. 281 00:12:40,326 --> 00:12:41,695 It's my job, okay? 282 00:12:41,695 --> 00:12:43,296 [man] And you should get back on-stage. 283 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:45,598 'Cause I've seen you only, like, five times. 284 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,100 You paid to see him five times? 285 00:12:48,835 --> 00:12:51,304 I'm just shocked that people would actually do that. 286 00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:52,305 [Bert] Dad. 287 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,140 [Albert] You don't buy carpet five times. 288 00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:58,178 - Bye, Papa. - Oh, sweetheart. 289 00:12:58,178 --> 00:12:59,512 [Sasha] I'm sorry, I'm gonna go. 290 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,140 [Albert] Oh, don't worry about that. 291 00:13:01,140 --> 00:13:05,652 And you remember, you can call me anytime whenever you want to talk about... 292 00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:06,853 Well, you know. 293 00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:10,156 - All right. Bye. - [Bert] Whoa, whoa, whoa! 294 00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:12,250 Wait, where are you going? Hold on. 295 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,860 - Bye, Bert. - Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop! 296 00:13:13,860 --> 00:13:15,128 - What? - Where are you going? 297 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:17,297 Mads asked me to go to Big Bear for, like, three days. 298 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,100 You are not going anywhere. Hey, you're 16 years old. 299 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:23,169 You're not going to Big Bear 'cause I know you're gonna drink beer and smoke pot. 300 00:13:23,169 --> 00:13:25,472 I'll be fine because I'm not you. Okay? 301 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,640 Okay, stop. That's fair. That's fair. 302 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,110 I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay? 303 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:33,246 Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Don't go. 304 00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:34,814 We wrap up this party, me and you, 305 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,916 hang out tonight, we'll watch Dr. Pimple Popper. 306 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,886 I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad. 307 00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:41,988 And I don't even know half of these people here. 308 00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:43,323 What, are you kidding me? 309 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,892 You know-- What about this guy? You know this guy. 310 00:13:45,892 --> 00:13:47,160 - Ray Ray. - You know Ray Ray. 311 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:49,229 Dad, I said I wanted a small party, 312 00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:51,698 and you promised that you wouldn't embarrass me. 313 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,340 I'm just trying to be a good dad. 314 00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:55,135 See? 315 00:13:55,135 --> 00:13:56,836 It's about you. 316 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,773 - It's always about you! - What are you talking about? 317 00:13:59,773 --> 00:14:02,542 How did I make it about...? How did you flip that? 318 00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,100 Don't do that! Don't leave! 319 00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,745 Don't you flip me off! 320 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,280 Don't you get in that car! 321 00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:08,948 Don't get-- See? 322 00:14:08,948 --> 00:14:11,751 This is the C-word behavior I was talking about in therapy! 323 00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:14,154 I'm not saying it! I'm just pointing it out! 324 00:14:18,558 --> 00:14:20,930 [sobs] 325 00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:23,363 It's your fat ****ing fault! ***hole! 326 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,432 Goddamn it. 327 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:34,774 Son? 328 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:36,576 Not now, Dad. 329 00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:38,311 Uh... 330 00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:39,913 We should... 331 00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:42,182 You know... 332 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:45,719 if you're searching for a new path, 333 00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:49,589 there's always room for you at Kreischer Karpets. 334 00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:53,293 I'm good, Dad, okay? I'm good. I promise. 335 00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:54,494 Just give me a minute. 336 00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:56,463 Well... 337 00:14:57,197 --> 00:15:00,934 I just wasn't sure, you know, how you're making money 338 00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:05,500 if you're not doing the whole comedy thing anymore. 339 00:15:05,839 --> 00:15:08,141 Hey, I'm a grown man. 340 00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:09,309 I'll figure it out, okay? 341 00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:11,277 Yeah, all right, all right, you know. 342 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,146 Just trying to help. 343 00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:14,914 Hold on right there. 344 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,617 No, you're not. You're never trying to help, Dad. 345 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:18,818 That's the point. 346 00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:21,921 When I got in trouble, what did you say to me? "Oh, don't be an idiot." 347 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:25,910 My advice to you was don't do stupid things in public, 348 00:15:25,910 --> 00:15:27,127 - especially with the children. - Oh, same thing! 349 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:28,528 Which is good advice. 350 00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:30,463 And you and Sasha wouldn't be where you were 351 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:32,298 if you'd only listened to me. 352 00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:33,700 - [door opens] - Oh, my God. 353 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:36,970 Ma'am, the party's outside. Okay? 354 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,638 Are you the Machine? 355 00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,273 Oh, shit. 356 00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:43,943 Yeah, I am. And I can do a picture in a second. 357 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:47,470 I'm kind of having a private moment with my father, okay? 358 00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:51,184 I'm here for the pocket watch 359 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:55,210 stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago 360 00:15:55,210 --> 00:15:56,723 by you. 361 00:15:58,240 --> 00:15:58,858 Okay. 362 00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,361 I'm having a shitshow day. 363 00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:04,664 So if this is some sort of TikTok prank, I'm about to lose my ****ing shit. 364 00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:05,565 [laughs] 365 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,802 It's definitely a prank. Clearly, that's a fake gun. 366 00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,471 - [Bert yelps] - [whimpers] Or not! 367 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,506 - She's got a ****ing gun, Dad! - Yeah, I'm clear on that now. 368 00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,410 - Sit down! - Yes, ma'am. 369 00:16:15,410 --> 00:16:19,212 - [ominous music playing] - My name is Irina Ivanona Volgina. 370 00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:22,415 And I suggest you start remembering. 371 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:25,151 It was 20 years ago. I barely remember that trip. 372 00:16:25,151 --> 00:16:27,554 I don't have a watch, and it's definitely not here. 373 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:30,256 Then you're coming with me back to Russia to find it. 374 00:16:30,256 --> 00:16:31,758 Russia? [yells] 375 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,860 - [grunts] - Look at your daughter. 376 00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:37,597 So innocent. 377 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,650 So pure. 378 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,735 So vulnerable. 379 00:16:43,300 --> 00:16:44,437 Do you see that man? 380 00:16:45,205 --> 00:16:46,539 [Bert] DJ Chemo? 381 00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,508 He will follow her on her trip. 382 00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:50,910 If you do not find my watch, 383 00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:52,379 he kills her. 384 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:58,284 If you try to run, he kills her. 385 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:03,890 You say a word about this to anyone... 386 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:06,126 he kills her. 387 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,727 Okay. Okay. 388 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:10,697 I'll do whatever you want. Just let my daughter go. 389 00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:14,300 Listen, I'll do whatever you want. 390 00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:17,771 Just don't hurt my daughter. And let my father go, all right? 391 00:17:17,771 --> 00:17:20,206 He wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't even invited. 392 00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:24,944 - I'm going with you. - Dad, you're not going with me. 393 00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:27,947 I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you failed to protect Sasha. 394 00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:30,750 - Dad, stop! You're not going! - He goes! 395 00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:34,120 If you need persuading in Russia, 396 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:35,722 he might be useful. 397 00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:38,758 For torture. 398 00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:40,593 The car is waiting. 399 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,128 We leave now. 400 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,670 Dad, put your ****ing hands down. 401 00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,700 Excuse me. Hey, Albert? 402 00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:52,906 Hold, hold, hold, wait up. 403 00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:56,109 Oh, my God. I haven't even seen you yet. I'm so sorry I haven't said hi. 404 00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,510 - Hello. - Hello, dear. 405 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,612 - There are so many people here. - [Albert] Mm-hm. 406 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,481 Hi. Oh, who is this? 407 00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:04,818 Uh... this is our, uh, Uber driver, uh, Sylvia. 408 00:18:04,818 --> 00:18:06,860 Sylvia. 409 00:18:06,860 --> 00:18:09,589 Hi. Your Uber driver? 410 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:10,590 Where are you going? 411 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:11,858 - Uh... - Um... 412 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:14,761 [LeeAnn] Oh, my God. 413 00:18:15,328 --> 00:18:16,529 Yeah. I see what's going on. 414 00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:18,531 You two are gonna follow Sasha to Big Bear. 415 00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,633 - Yes, we are. - Exactly. Big Bear, yes. 416 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,302 Cool. Great. Well, you know what? 417 00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:24,270 I'll just stay home, take care of everything, 418 00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:28,808 and the two of you can just **** off on your creepy, little, puritanical-- 419 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:32,712 [ominous music continues] 420 00:18:35,150 --> 00:18:37,183 I love you. I'm sorry. Kiss Tats for me. 421 00:18:37,183 --> 00:18:38,284 Dad, let's go. 422 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:40,286 Where...? 423 00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,622 Good work, Kreischers. 424 00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:47,293 [Irina] This is my bodyguard, Sponge. 425 00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,462 Sponge, like you absorb liquids? 426 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,332 Absorb bullets. [laughs] 427 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:02,375 [music turns dramatic] 428 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,255 [in Russian] Two? You said one. 429 00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:18,258 Still think I made the story up? 430 00:19:18,692 --> 00:19:21,194 [in Russian] You cannot bring both. 431 00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:22,595 Too many questions! 432 00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:26,499 Never tell me what I can do. Ever! 433 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,500 [man whimpers] 434 00:19:30,136 --> 00:19:31,171 Move it. 435 00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:45,185 [in English] They said Machine had ice in veins. 436 00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,520 Could walk through the walls. 437 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,423 Drink more than any man. 438 00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,693 I grew up hearing this myth. 439 00:19:55,195 --> 00:19:56,296 You. 440 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:02,335 You're fat. 441 00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:05,305 And you have ****. 442 00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:07,207 Very disturbing. 443 00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:10,210 That's body-shaming. And honestly, I expect more empathy out of a woman. 444 00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,711 Such a disappointment. 445 00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:15,448 Like opening peanuts and joke snake pop out. 446 00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,500 Enjoy your flight, Machine. 447 00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:19,520 It will probably be your last. 448 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:23,890 ["Welcome to Russia" playing] 449 00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:38,710 [yells] 450 00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,549 [yells] 451 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,254 - [laughing] - [cheering] 452 00:20:56,823 --> 00:20:59,859 All right. When we land, I'm gonna create a diversion. 453 00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:02,162 What I want you to do is go to the embassy. 454 00:21:02,162 --> 00:21:03,630 Dad. 455 00:21:03,630 --> 00:21:06,320 Now, these people really know what they're doing around the grill. 456 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,340 How can you eat at a time like this? 457 00:21:08,340 --> 00:21:11,938 Son, I'm a small-business owner from a "stand your ground" state. 458 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,440 This is like a Tuesday for me. 459 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:16,209 [Sponge] Machina, the myth. 460 00:21:16,209 --> 00:21:18,878 Your turn, huh? [laughs] 461 00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:21,681 No, no. I wish I could. I just got a crown replaced. 462 00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:23,616 - Oh, Machina. - [Russians grumbling indistinctly] 463 00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:26,520 But I have an uneven jaw, and it took them forever to... 464 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:27,721 - Hey, Bert. - What? 465 00:21:27,721 --> 00:21:30,724 You want to know why people respect Kreischer Karpets? 466 00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:32,926 Well, it's definitely not 'cause you spelled "carpets" with a K. 467 00:21:32,926 --> 00:21:34,427 No, that's just good marketing. 468 00:21:34,427 --> 00:21:38,798 It's because we install anywhere. 469 00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:41,267 - We never show fear. - [dramatic music playing] 470 00:21:41,267 --> 00:21:42,769 We face it. 471 00:21:42,769 --> 00:21:47,440 So, Bert, don't show fear. 472 00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:49,609 Wow. 473 00:21:51,711 --> 00:21:53,613 You really shoehorned that message in. 474 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,883 All right, Sponge, I guess I got next. 475 00:21:56,883 --> 00:21:59,119 - [Sponge laughs] - [Russians] Oh! 476 00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:00,587 Machina, 477 00:22:01,221 --> 00:22:04,257 all I have heard about you, and you have titty, huh? 478 00:22:05,759 --> 00:22:07,494 You're such a large man. 479 00:22:07,494 --> 00:22:08,795 [laughs] 480 00:22:08,795 --> 00:22:10,463 [Bert laughs] You're so ****ing big. 481 00:22:11,598 --> 00:22:13,133 Let's hope this works. 482 00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:19,639 I'm gonna show you what we in the States call "dad strength." 483 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,175 - [Sponge yells] - [Russians gasp] 484 00:22:22,742 --> 00:22:24,770 [laughs] 485 00:22:25,345 --> 00:22:27,681 [laughing hysterically] 486 00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:28,782 Funny! 487 00:22:28,782 --> 00:22:29,983 Now... 488 00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:32,585 my turn, huh? 489 00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:34,254 [tense music playing] 490 00:22:50,136 --> 00:22:53,373 [Albert] Well, you showed fear. 491 00:22:57,310 --> 00:23:01,348 Son, I think this trip to Russia could give you some... direction. 492 00:23:01,848 --> 00:23:04,517 Look, I had this with me in Rome. 493 00:23:04,517 --> 00:23:06,353 Saved me more than a few times. 494 00:23:06,953 --> 00:23:08,188 You take care of it... 495 00:23:09,456 --> 00:23:10,890 it will take care of you. 496 00:23:13,626 --> 00:23:15,662 - Your pocketknife? - Mm-hm. 497 00:23:15,662 --> 00:23:16,963 Ah, thanks, Dad. 498 00:23:18,310 --> 00:23:21,368 We hope our sons grow up to be the men we wish we could be, Bert. 499 00:23:22,469 --> 00:23:24,804 Maybe this trip can start you on that path. 500 00:23:24,804 --> 00:23:26,390 And also... 501 00:23:27,674 --> 00:23:30,143 if you lose that knife in Russia, 502 00:23:30,877 --> 00:23:33,346 I will disown you. 503 00:23:33,346 --> 00:23:35,348 Ah, funny story. 504 00:23:37,517 --> 00:23:40,820 I did lose your knife in Russia. 505 00:23:40,820 --> 00:23:42,322 Dad, I'm sorry. 506 00:23:43,390 --> 00:23:44,891 I knew you'd let me down. 507 00:23:44,891 --> 00:23:46,426 [thunder crashes] 508 00:23:46,426 --> 00:23:47,360 You did? 509 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:48,495 [laughs] 510 00:23:48,495 --> 00:23:50,864 [unsettling music playing] 511 00:23:51,965 --> 00:23:53,767 [groans] 512 00:23:53,767 --> 00:23:56,569 [woman speaking in Russian over PA] 513 00:23:56,569 --> 00:23:58,104 - Hey there. - While you were out, 514 00:23:58,104 --> 00:24:00,540 - your father and I got to know each other. - Wait. 515 00:24:00,540 --> 00:24:03,376 Also, we watched Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid. 516 00:24:03,376 --> 00:24:04,711 The ending? Wow. 517 00:24:04,711 --> 00:24:06,713 Dad, that's our movie. 518 00:24:06,713 --> 00:24:09,382 Bert, we have to find this watch. 519 00:24:09,382 --> 00:24:10,984 You stole it. What'd you do with it? 520 00:24:10,984 --> 00:24:14,540 Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest I've ever been in my life. 521 00:24:14,540 --> 00:24:16,222 I'm usually drunk when I tell the story. 522 00:24:16,222 --> 00:24:19,459 - [dramatic music playing] - Okay. Okay. Hold on, hold on. 523 00:24:19,459 --> 00:24:22,929 Give me a sec. Let me think. Let me think. God. I'm not good with guns at my head. 524 00:24:22,929 --> 00:24:23,997 [whimpers] 525 00:24:26,990 --> 00:24:27,967 Fedor. What about Fedor? 526 00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,970 He was the gangster on the train. Everything we stole, we gave to him. 527 00:24:30,970 --> 00:24:33,273 Yeah, I talked to Fedor. 528 00:24:33,273 --> 00:24:35,800 He doesn't remember the watch. 529 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:36,476 So I killed him. 530 00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:38,812 Jesus Christ. 531 00:24:40,613 --> 00:24:41,681 Igor. 532 00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:44,918 Which Igor? 533 00:24:44,918 --> 00:24:46,586 I know like 50 Igors. 534 00:24:46,586 --> 00:24:50,256 Uh, Igor was the mobster that took care of our class. 535 00:24:50,256 --> 00:24:51,958 He lived with us in the dorms. 536 00:24:51,958 --> 00:24:53,760 Maybe he still lives in the dorms. 537 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:56,162 **** school. Let's party. 538 00:24:57,464 --> 00:24:58,298 [Irina] Hm. 539 00:24:59,766 --> 00:25:01,534 Then this is where we go. 540 00:25:06,306 --> 00:25:10,377 Can't believe you watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. ****. 541 00:25:10,377 --> 00:25:11,311 [jet engines roar] 542 00:25:11,311 --> 00:25:13,113 ST. PETERSBERG 543 00:25:26,493 --> 00:25:28,695 Follow my lead. If we get a chance, we run. 544 00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:30,630 [in Russian] Is there a problem? 545 00:25:30,630 --> 00:25:34,968 [in Russian] Your documents indicate 11 passengers, but I count 12. 546 00:25:35,969 --> 00:25:37,300 [in Russian] I told you so. 547 00:25:37,300 --> 00:25:39,639 [dramatic music playing] 548 00:25:39,639 --> 00:25:42,308 Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. 549 00:25:42,308 --> 00:25:43,810 Oh, my God. Oh! 550 00:25:44,878 --> 00:25:46,846 He's going down. He's going down. 551 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:49,490 [in Russian] I count 11. 552 00:25:49,490 --> 00:25:50,150 [Bert] Jeez Louise! 553 00:25:50,150 --> 00:25:52,485 [dramatic music playing] 554 00:25:58,758 --> 00:25:59,859 [Bert] Wait. 555 00:26:00,593 --> 00:26:02,395 That's me. I'm the Machine. 556 00:26:02,395 --> 00:26:04,230 Why am I on a billboard? 557 00:26:04,230 --> 00:26:06,499 [Sponge] Da. You famous. 558 00:26:06,499 --> 00:26:09,369 [chuckles] I'm hot folklore in the Soviet Union. 559 00:26:09,369 --> 00:26:12,500 [in English] The Soviet Union is dead, you ignorant ****! 560 00:26:12,906 --> 00:26:15,508 We're Russia. We're strong. 561 00:26:15,508 --> 00:26:16,509 [Sponge] We're here. 562 00:26:18,912 --> 00:26:20,914 They turned it into condos. 563 00:26:22,882 --> 00:26:24,184 Oh, hello there. 564 00:26:24,584 --> 00:26:25,418 Ha! 565 00:26:25,852 --> 00:26:28,455 [Bert] Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando. Quit trying to work a threesome. 566 00:26:28,455 --> 00:26:30,123 Put it back in your pants. 567 00:26:30,123 --> 00:26:32,225 Well, that was rude. 568 00:26:32,225 --> 00:26:33,560 Move. 569 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:35,362 Hey, here's where we took classes. 570 00:26:36,463 --> 00:26:37,731 This is where I met Igor. 571 00:26:37,731 --> 00:26:40,467 ["Santeria" playing] 572 00:26:40,467 --> 00:26:43,103 Wow. Twenty-three years ago. 573 00:26:43,603 --> 00:26:45,638 I should've taken more pictures of my ****. 574 00:26:45,638 --> 00:26:51,770 ♪ I don't practice Santeria I ain't got no crystal ball ♪ 575 00:26:51,770 --> 00:26:56,783 ♪ Well, I had a million dollars But I'd, I'd spend it all ♪ 576 00:26:56,783 --> 00:27:01,988 ♪ If I could find that jaina And that sancho that she's found ♪ 577 00:27:01,988 --> 00:27:05,158 ♪ Well, I'd pop a cap in sancho And I'd slap her down... ♪ 578 00:27:05,158 --> 00:27:06,593 THE DORMS 579 00:27:06,593 --> 00:27:08,395 [woman] Okay, class, listen up. 580 00:27:09,950 --> 00:27:11,931 Do not expect an easy course load. 581 00:27:11,931 --> 00:27:13,333 It isn't a vacation. 582 00:27:13,333 --> 00:27:17,504 Your goal is to culturally bond with the indigenous citizens. 583 00:27:18,171 --> 00:27:22,108 This is Igor. He is a banditti. You will be taking courses... 584 00:27:22,108 --> 00:27:24,944 I actually don't speak much Russian. What is "banditti"? 585 00:27:24,944 --> 00:27:28,348 Oh, um, "banditti" is the Russian word for mobster. 586 00:27:28,948 --> 00:27:31,818 This is a class trip. How come we've never met? 587 00:27:31,818 --> 00:27:34,587 Oh, I don't go to class much. I'm Bert. 588 00:27:34,587 --> 00:27:36,322 [Ashley] Oh, Ashley. 589 00:27:36,322 --> 00:27:38,491 [woman] But Russia is a dangerous place. 590 00:27:38,491 --> 00:27:40,160 Igor is our fixer. 591 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,929 He is only here for your protection. 592 00:27:43,763 --> 00:27:45,310 He is very dangerous. 593 00:27:45,310 --> 00:27:45,965 Oh! 594 00:27:45,965 --> 00:27:47,534 - [students gasp] - [Bert chuckles] 595 00:27:49,202 --> 00:27:52,272 [woman] You are not to talk to or hang out with him. 596 00:27:52,272 --> 00:27:54,474 All I want to do is hang out with him. 597 00:27:54,474 --> 00:27:57,677 [Albert] I never know what to believe about what you say happened back then. 598 00:27:57,677 --> 00:28:00,613 You do have a very active imagination. 599 00:28:00,613 --> 00:28:02,282 [chuckles] I imagine. 600 00:28:02,282 --> 00:28:05,385 - That's my issue. - Well, one of them. 601 00:28:05,385 --> 00:28:08,521 [Irina] My father and I have a similar relationship. 602 00:28:08,521 --> 00:28:11,124 [Bert] What the **** is this thing? Is it an iPad? 603 00:28:11,825 --> 00:28:13,226 I got this, son. 604 00:28:13,226 --> 00:28:15,395 I am an Eagle Scout. 605 00:28:16,663 --> 00:28:18,640 [Irina] What is an Eagle Scout? 606 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:19,799 It's like if James Bond was a Mormon. 607 00:28:19,799 --> 00:28:22,350 An Eagle Scout can get in anywhere. 608 00:28:22,350 --> 00:28:24,304 You'd know that if you'd become an Eagle Scout. 609 00:28:24,304 --> 00:28:26,506 But no... [yells] 610 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:28,410 [door chimes] 611 00:28:29,976 --> 00:28:31,811 My fist is Eagle Scout. 612 00:28:33,646 --> 00:28:34,981 I'll wait in the car. 613 00:28:36,483 --> 00:28:38,385 [Irina] He has impulse-control issue. 614 00:28:38,385 --> 00:28:39,319 Very sad. 615 00:28:39,319 --> 00:28:40,887 [Bert] Yeah. Steroids will do that to you. 616 00:28:40,887 --> 00:28:43,923 - [suspenseful music playing] - They really dressed this place up. 617 00:28:44,924 --> 00:28:47,227 Still have the world's smallest elevator. 618 00:28:50,563 --> 00:28:51,498 [telephone beeps] 619 00:28:52,665 --> 00:28:55,201 [in Russian] Tell Vanya they are here. 620 00:28:55,201 --> 00:28:56,269 [elevator chimes] 621 00:28:57,570 --> 00:28:59,172 Holy shit. 622 00:28:59,839 --> 00:29:02,742 There was a woman that sat right there. 623 00:29:02,742 --> 00:29:05,412 She absolutely loved me. 624 00:29:05,412 --> 00:29:08,480 Igor's room was all the way down to the right. 625 00:29:08,882 --> 00:29:10,950 I took a shit on a pizza box right there. 626 00:29:10,950 --> 00:29:12,886 Jesus, son. 627 00:29:12,886 --> 00:29:14,888 Eh, it got mixed reviews. 628 00:29:15,889 --> 00:29:18,792 Honestly, if I hadn't sprained that finger, 629 00:29:18,792 --> 00:29:20,593 probably would've made it to the league. 630 00:29:20,593 --> 00:29:22,762 But, you know, I wasn't about to lose a thumb war 631 00:29:22,762 --> 00:29:24,597 to a 12-year-old, you know? 632 00:29:25,980 --> 00:29:26,466 Here you go, dabushka. 633 00:29:26,466 --> 00:29:28,468 Gifts from your American friend. 634 00:29:28,468 --> 00:29:30,700 - [speaks in Russian] - Ah. 635 00:29:30,700 --> 00:29:32,872 Gifts are a very important aspect of Russian life, Ash. 636 00:29:32,872 --> 00:29:34,941 - Bet you didn't know that. - [Ashley] Mm. 637 00:29:34,941 --> 00:29:36,943 Bet you didn't know your fly was down. 638 00:29:38,445 --> 00:29:39,279 [clears throat] 639 00:29:39,279 --> 00:29:41,414 [Irina] Why are you telling us this? 640 00:29:41,414 --> 00:29:42,482 [Bert] Sorry. 641 00:29:42,482 --> 00:29:44,217 Lot of memories being back here. 642 00:29:44,217 --> 00:29:47,954 [rock music playing over speakers] 643 00:29:47,954 --> 00:29:51,124 Whoa, you live right across from Igor and the banditti? 644 00:29:51,124 --> 00:29:53,493 Do you ever hear, like, screams coming from their room? 645 00:29:53,493 --> 00:29:54,627 No, not really. 646 00:29:55,729 --> 00:29:56,730 [Bert] Look at them. 647 00:29:57,263 --> 00:29:58,998 They're magnificent. 648 00:29:58,998 --> 00:30:01,568 How do I talk to them? How do I say my name? 649 00:30:01,568 --> 00:30:03,636 [lively music playing on video game] 650 00:30:04,804 --> 00:30:06,172 I planned the perfect sentence. 651 00:30:06,172 --> 00:30:07,841 [knocking on door] 652 00:30:08,441 --> 00:30:11,745 But the second I was face-to-face with a real Russian gangster, 653 00:30:11,745 --> 00:30:12,946 I panicked. 654 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:14,948 Ya machina. 655 00:30:21,870 --> 00:30:22,589 Ya machina. 656 00:30:23,189 --> 00:30:25,191 [Bert] "Muchina" means bad***. 657 00:30:25,191 --> 00:30:27,160 "Machina" means machine. 658 00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:28,862 I said I was the Machine. 659 00:30:28,862 --> 00:30:30,430 [Irina] You're an idiot. 660 00:30:31,631 --> 00:30:33,133 Ya machina. 661 00:30:34,601 --> 00:30:36,603 - [Bert] Luckily... - [laughing] 662 00:30:36,603 --> 00:30:37,971 they thought it was hilarious. 663 00:30:37,971 --> 00:30:39,606 On machina! 664 00:30:39,606 --> 00:30:41,700 [rock music playing over speakers] 665 00:30:41,700 --> 00:30:43,943 They introduced me to their world, and I introduced them to mine. 666 00:30:43,943 --> 00:30:46,546 Vodka, lemon, two teaspoons of sugar. 667 00:30:46,546 --> 00:30:49,115 - These are called lemon drops. - They're called lemon drops. 668 00:30:49,115 --> 00:30:53,453 Okay, they're from Florida, and they're ****ing delicious! 669 00:30:53,453 --> 00:30:56,456 The Machine is powered by lemons! 670 00:30:56,456 --> 00:30:59,659 [Bert] And the legend of the Machine was born. 671 00:30:59,659 --> 00:31:01,728 [speaking in Russian and cheering] 672 00:31:03,963 --> 00:31:05,331 All right, all right, all right. 673 00:31:05,331 --> 00:31:08,702 This next one's a little thing I like to call Beavis and Butt-Head. 674 00:31:10,537 --> 00:31:11,905 His head is a butt! 675 00:31:11,905 --> 00:31:14,574 [Bert] They had no frame of reference for American culture. 676 00:31:14,574 --> 00:31:17,377 [in British accent] Do I make you horny? 677 00:31:17,377 --> 00:31:19,646 [Albert] Austin Powers? Really? 678 00:31:19,646 --> 00:31:20,747 [Bert] Shut up, Dad. 679 00:31:21,648 --> 00:31:24,384 So I stole from the best, and they thought it was me. 680 00:31:25,885 --> 00:31:29,222 To them, I was just some crazy genius who could out-drink 'em all. 681 00:31:29,222 --> 00:31:31,825 - I'm the Machine! - [cheering] 682 00:31:31,825 --> 00:31:34,894 [hip hop music playing over speakers] 683 00:31:37,697 --> 00:31:39,733 I call this the "Macarena." 684 00:31:42,268 --> 00:31:43,570 Word spread fast. 685 00:31:43,570 --> 00:31:46,573 And the legend of the Machine just kept growing. 686 00:31:46,573 --> 00:31:49,676 ["Unbelievable" playing] 687 00:31:50,910 --> 00:31:53,513 [Irina] Everyone in Russia heard the stories. 688 00:31:53,513 --> 00:31:55,582 You were folklore. 689 00:31:57,851 --> 00:32:00,520 Igor's room has a stash hole in it, in the wall. 690 00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:03,890 And what does he keep in this hole? 691 00:32:03,890 --> 00:32:04,424 Beanie Babies. 692 00:32:04,924 --> 00:32:07,270 Come on. Drugs, money and ****. You're in the mob. 693 00:32:07,270 --> 00:32:09,796 But maybe there's something in there that can tell us how to find him. 694 00:32:09,796 --> 00:32:11,231 It's this one right here. 695 00:32:11,231 --> 00:32:14,401 I hope so, for your daughter's sake. 696 00:32:18,705 --> 00:32:19,572 Oi! 697 00:32:19,572 --> 00:32:23,910 - That's feminism. You asked for it. - **** you! ***** woman-boy! 698 00:32:23,910 --> 00:32:26,112 Well, I see wokeness hasn't made its way to Russia. 699 00:32:28,648 --> 00:32:31,651 [Russian folk music blaring over car speakers] 700 00:32:31,651 --> 00:32:34,754 [ominous music playing] 701 00:32:38,258 --> 00:32:39,292 [knocks on roof] 702 00:32:41,961 --> 00:32:44,497 - The hole? - Yeah, right. 703 00:32:45,165 --> 00:32:46,166 All right. 704 00:32:46,833 --> 00:32:49,135 That wall used to go all the way down. 705 00:32:49,769 --> 00:32:51,137 If I'm not mistaken... 706 00:32:51,137 --> 00:32:53,239 [tapping on wall] 707 00:32:54,741 --> 00:32:55,742 Ah! 708 00:32:55,742 --> 00:32:56,676 Bingo. 709 00:32:56,676 --> 00:32:59,779 [pensive music playing] 710 00:33:01,948 --> 00:33:03,750 [Irina] No watch. 711 00:33:03,750 --> 00:33:05,485 This is something way better. 712 00:33:05,485 --> 00:33:07,153 One of Ash's pot brownies, Dad. 713 00:33:07,153 --> 00:33:09,422 These things were gold back in the day. 714 00:33:09,422 --> 00:33:13,126 Why would anyone keep 20-year-old marijuana brownies? 715 00:33:13,126 --> 00:33:16,496 Ashley's pot brownies are the best thing I've ever tasted. 716 00:33:16,496 --> 00:33:18,832 They're mad strong, though, so only eat a little. 717 00:33:20,667 --> 00:33:23,636 - Don't ****. - [laughing] 718 00:33:23,636 --> 00:33:25,505 You're ****ing with me, man. 719 00:33:26,139 --> 00:33:27,707 Go **** yourself. 720 00:33:29,676 --> 00:33:31,444 Hey, how'd you become a banditti? 721 00:33:32,712 --> 00:33:33,713 One day, 722 00:33:35,215 --> 00:33:36,483 man told me, 723 00:33:36,483 --> 00:33:39,819 "Igor, help me with this thing." 724 00:33:41,788 --> 00:33:42,889 Thing was mafia. 725 00:33:42,889 --> 00:33:45,158 'Cause if I get hungry, I get hangry, and everybody knows 726 00:33:45,158 --> 00:33:47,694 marijuana goes bad after time. It's like the reverse of pickles. 727 00:33:47,694 --> 00:33:50,530 So no Igor, no watch. 728 00:33:50,530 --> 00:33:53,500 Just old money and pickle weed. 729 00:33:54,134 --> 00:33:56,202 This is not good for you, Bert. 730 00:33:56,202 --> 00:33:58,805 - [woman] **** you. - [tense music playing] 731 00:33:58,805 --> 00:34:00,730 [Irina] Vanya. 732 00:34:00,730 --> 00:34:01,841 It's not good for you either. 733 00:34:01,841 --> 00:34:03,576 VANYA 734 00:34:03,576 --> 00:34:05,545 [in Russian] What are you doing here? 735 00:34:08,148 --> 00:34:09,816 [Vanya] He is Machina? 736 00:34:09,816 --> 00:34:10,917 The man's man? 737 00:34:10,917 --> 00:34:12,485 Nah. 738 00:34:12,485 --> 00:34:15,388 He has, uh... breasts. 739 00:34:22,162 --> 00:34:24,431 Your friend, Igor, 740 00:34:25,231 --> 00:34:27,834 he took over the trains to Moscow. 741 00:34:28,401 --> 00:34:30,770 And now I know where to find the watch. 742 00:34:30,770 --> 00:34:32,672 [in English] How do you know Igor runs trains? 743 00:34:32,672 --> 00:34:33,873 Because... 744 00:34:34,841 --> 00:34:36,242 I am respected. 745 00:34:36,242 --> 00:34:37,177 [scoffs] 746 00:34:39,279 --> 00:34:41,881 I make it my job to know these things. 747 00:34:41,881 --> 00:34:42,949 You? 748 00:34:45,552 --> 00:34:47,870 You are foolish woman. 749 00:34:47,787 --> 00:34:49,622 Playing pretend. 750 00:34:56,763 --> 00:34:58,980 I do not play. 751 00:35:03,136 --> 00:35:04,637 - [dog yelps] - Oh! 752 00:35:04,637 --> 00:35:06,390 - [screams] - [thuds] 753 00:35:06,390 --> 00:35:08,410 Holy cow! 754 00:35:08,641 --> 00:35:09,876 [woman sobbing] 755 00:35:11,644 --> 00:35:13,313 You're an insolent child, Vanya. 756 00:35:13,313 --> 00:35:16,649 Now you come with me on train or you go out window. 757 00:35:17,751 --> 00:35:20,387 - All right, let's go, Dad. Come on. - Yeah, let's go. Let's go. 758 00:35:21,588 --> 00:35:22,589 See you around. 759 00:35:25,892 --> 00:35:27,227 Put your hands down. 760 00:35:27,227 --> 00:35:29,996 [tense music continues] 761 00:35:29,996 --> 00:35:31,965 Well, this is wonderful. 762 00:35:31,965 --> 00:35:33,967 We're about to be killed by gangsters. 763 00:35:33,967 --> 00:35:36,102 And you're pocketing ancient pot brownies. 764 00:35:36,102 --> 00:35:39,105 You say shit like that and you wonder why we haven't visited in three years. 765 00:35:39,105 --> 00:35:40,306 - So now it's my fault? - Yeah. 766 00:35:40,306 --> 00:35:42,175 I don't want to be around that shit, and neither do my kids. 767 00:35:42,175 --> 00:35:44,244 Your kids are great. Don't bring them into this. 768 00:35:44,244 --> 00:35:47,113 [Bert] Oh, I know they're great, Dad. They're my kids. 769 00:35:47,113 --> 00:35:50,517 [Albert] You know, your problem is you live this life where you get rewarded 770 00:35:50,517 --> 00:35:53,586 for indulging in your worst tendencies. 771 00:35:53,586 --> 00:35:56,656 [intense music playing] 772 00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:01,761 [yells] 773 00:36:04,431 --> 00:36:05,965 [vertebrae snap] 774 00:36:05,965 --> 00:36:07,534 Let's hope that was an adjustment. 775 00:36:08,968 --> 00:36:10,337 Meet you downstairs. 776 00:36:14,700 --> 00:36:17,100 [intense music continues] 777 00:36:32,325 --> 00:36:34,527 Well, we should be safe in here. 778 00:36:34,527 --> 00:36:35,495 [bullets thudding] 779 00:36:53,747 --> 00:36:54,647 I got you, son! 780 00:36:54,647 --> 00:36:56,820 No, I got you! I'm covering you! 781 00:36:56,820 --> 00:36:57,851 - Everything's under control! - No! 782 00:37:23,760 --> 00:37:24,611 [Bert] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 783 00:37:24,611 --> 00:37:25,845 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 784 00:37:41,428 --> 00:37:43,596 - Lift! - No! No, no! Close, close! 785 00:37:43,596 --> 00:37:46,320 - [Albert] Close the door! - Shoot back, idiots! 786 00:37:51,771 --> 00:37:54,908 [Vanya] I will present the boss with your head, Machina! 787 00:37:54,908 --> 00:37:55,975 Dad. 788 00:37:55,975 --> 00:37:58,144 I can't use that. 789 00:37:58,144 --> 00:38:00,747 After I read Mandela's biography, 790 00:38:00,747 --> 00:38:04,217 I made a vow of nonviolence. 791 00:38:04,217 --> 00:38:05,752 [Vanya] You are dead! 792 00:38:05,752 --> 00:38:06,953 Dead! 793 00:38:06,953 --> 00:38:09,155 Fine. I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. 794 00:38:14,127 --> 00:38:14,994 [elevator chimes] 795 00:38:14,994 --> 00:38:18,980 [dramatic music playing] 796 00:38:24,437 --> 00:38:25,438 [music stops] 797 00:38:33,446 --> 00:38:36,416 [wailing sirens approaching] 798 00:38:36,416 --> 00:38:37,751 Let's go, ****heads! 799 00:38:37,751 --> 00:38:40,820 [tense music playing] 800 00:38:42,655 --> 00:38:43,790 [barking and growling] 801 00:38:44,491 --> 00:38:46,260 Goddamn it. Let go. 802 00:38:46,260 --> 00:38:48,194 No! I'm glad you're alive! Let go of me! 803 00:38:48,194 --> 00:38:50,430 - [Albert] Get in the car, son. - I'm trying, Dad! 804 00:38:50,430 --> 00:38:53,500 [dramatic music playing] 805 00:39:04,811 --> 00:39:05,979 Sponge! 806 00:39:06,646 --> 00:39:08,381 [in Russian] What happened to the ****ing car? 807 00:39:08,982 --> 00:39:10,316 [Bert] So bad. This is not going away. 808 00:39:10,316 --> 00:39:11,651 We need to get on that train! 809 00:39:12,452 --> 00:39:13,853 I'm gonna meet the devil. 810 00:39:13,853 --> 00:39:15,522 I'm going to ****ing hell. 811 00:39:15,522 --> 00:39:17,230 - Oh, shit. - [Albert] I'm at my lake house. 812 00:39:17,230 --> 00:39:18,858 - Goddamn it. - [Albert] The fish are jumping. 813 00:39:18,858 --> 00:39:22,696 - I'm having mac and cheese for dinner. - Are you doing breathing exercises? 814 00:39:22,696 --> 00:39:24,831 You can't do breathing exercises for murder, Dad. 815 00:39:24,831 --> 00:39:26,199 I killed a man. 816 00:39:26,199 --> 00:39:29,690 Well, technically, you killed several men. 817 00:39:29,690 --> 00:39:30,704 Oh, God! You're not helping! 818 00:39:30,704 --> 00:39:32,172 - [Irina in English] Hey. - What? 819 00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:34,374 It happens. 820 00:39:34,374 --> 00:39:36,376 I'm not gonna start smoking cigarettes. 821 00:39:36,376 --> 00:39:39,312 No, it doesn't happen. A speeding ticket, that happens. 822 00:39:39,312 --> 00:39:42,150 Shitting your pants at Best Buy, that happens. 823 00:39:42,816 --> 00:39:44,718 My brother Vanya was an ***hole. 824 00:39:44,718 --> 00:39:46,486 Oh! 825 00:39:46,486 --> 00:39:48,488 Brother? Like your real brother? 826 00:39:48,488 --> 00:39:50,523 Like your mom and dad are the same mom and dad? 827 00:39:50,523 --> 00:39:51,691 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 828 00:39:51,691 --> 00:39:53,860 - I didn't know he was your brother. - Don't be. 829 00:39:53,860 --> 00:39:55,929 There is a power struggle in the mob. 830 00:39:55,929 --> 00:39:58,665 As oldest, I will inherit my father's empire, 831 00:39:58,665 --> 00:40:00,700 but Vanya wants control. 832 00:40:00,700 --> 00:40:02,235 Wanted control. 833 00:40:03,103 --> 00:40:05,372 - He's dead. - Oh, my God. 834 00:40:05,372 --> 00:40:07,730 I'm still getting used to it. 835 00:40:07,730 --> 00:40:10,877 What the **** is happening? Get me the **** out of here. 836 00:40:10,877 --> 00:40:13,279 Many others also want control. 837 00:40:13,279 --> 00:40:15,248 They say I cannot run mob because I'm woman. 838 00:40:15,248 --> 00:40:16,383 This isn't happening. 839 00:40:16,383 --> 00:40:17,283 Boss. 840 00:40:17,951 --> 00:40:19,953 [Irina and Sponge speaking in Russian] 841 00:40:19,953 --> 00:40:21,540 Dad. 842 00:40:22,689 --> 00:40:25,250 Give me some life advice, some words of wisdom. 843 00:40:26,726 --> 00:40:28,361 Everybody's got to die sometime. 844 00:40:29,290 --> 00:40:30,300 That's it? 845 00:40:30,630 --> 00:40:31,898 That's your advice? 846 00:40:31,898 --> 00:40:34,200 Well, what do you want me to say? 847 00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:36,770 That vulnerability is scary and it's hard to open up? 848 00:40:36,770 --> 00:40:39,105 Yeah, Dad. That would've been great. 849 00:40:39,105 --> 00:40:40,373 [laughs] Son. 850 00:40:40,373 --> 00:40:42,809 It was your mother that was the coddler, not me. 851 00:40:42,809 --> 00:40:43,977 [tires screech] 852 00:40:47,981 --> 00:40:49,282 [speaks in Russian] 853 00:40:49,282 --> 00:40:51,418 [Bert] Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch. 854 00:40:52,152 --> 00:40:54,621 [suspenseful music playing] 855 00:41:03,663 --> 00:41:04,831 Igor. Igor. 856 00:41:06,266 --> 00:41:07,434 I'm coming. I'm coming. 857 00:41:12,305 --> 00:41:13,139 Hey. 858 00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:19,579 My brother would have shot me if he had a chance. 859 00:41:21,748 --> 00:41:24,517 Thank you for making his death very fast. 860 00:41:26,252 --> 00:41:28,355 Well, then, can I real quick call my daughter, 861 00:41:28,355 --> 00:41:30,256 just to make sure she's okay? 862 00:41:30,256 --> 00:41:31,291 Don't push it. 863 00:41:33,827 --> 00:41:36,830 [music turns dramatic] 864 00:41:46,806 --> 00:41:49,876 Now, this is the kind of Russian architecture I wanted to see. 865 00:41:49,876 --> 00:41:51,845 We're not on a sightseeing tour, Dad. 866 00:41:51,845 --> 00:41:53,179 [ominous music playing] 867 00:41:53,179 --> 00:41:55,382 Hey, Irina, I think this is gonna be great. 868 00:41:55,382 --> 00:41:58,284 We'll find Igor, we'll get your watch, and then you can let us go, right? 869 00:41:58,985 --> 00:42:00,286 Holy cow. 870 00:42:00,286 --> 00:42:02,389 This place hasn't changed a bit. 871 00:42:04,624 --> 00:42:06,292 Oh. Right there. 872 00:42:06,292 --> 00:42:08,628 That's where Igor introduced me to the train banditti. 873 00:42:09,329 --> 00:42:11,865 I cannot go on your student trip to Moscow. 874 00:42:11,865 --> 00:42:12,832 - What? - Yeah. 875 00:42:12,832 --> 00:42:15,350 Different mafia runs train. 876 00:42:15,350 --> 00:42:16,736 Igor, what am I supposed to do here? 877 00:42:17,804 --> 00:42:19,205 What you always do. 878 00:42:19,739 --> 00:42:21,207 [in Russian] This is Machine! 879 00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:25,311 If you give Machine vodka, you have great time. 880 00:42:26,513 --> 00:42:28,648 [in English] Come on, show them your character. 881 00:42:28,648 --> 00:42:30,550 British horny man. Come on. 882 00:42:32,152 --> 00:42:34,821 [in British accent] Do I make you horny, baby? 883 00:42:34,821 --> 00:42:37,223 [all laughing] 884 00:42:37,223 --> 00:42:40,193 - Do I make you randy? Yeah. - It's classic. 885 00:42:40,193 --> 00:42:42,929 [Irina] You really like Austin Powers. 886 00:42:42,929 --> 00:42:45,598 Yeah. It was really big in the late '90s. Give me a break, okay? 887 00:42:45,598 --> 00:42:47,000 I get it. 888 00:42:48,340 --> 00:42:49,669 I get why they liked you. 889 00:42:49,669 --> 00:42:50,770 Wow, thanks, Dad. 890 00:42:50,770 --> 00:42:54,207 Your toxic masculinity was lighthearted and progressive to them. 891 00:42:54,207 --> 00:42:56,776 Yeah, well, your compliment sounds a little bit like a slam. 892 00:42:56,776 --> 00:43:00,130 - Quiet, ****ed-up father-son. - [Sponge] Boss. 893 00:43:00,130 --> 00:43:02,215 [tense music playing] 894 00:43:02,215 --> 00:43:04,170 This is the Moscow line. 895 00:43:04,918 --> 00:43:08,188 If Igor runs trains, this is where he will be. 896 00:43:08,922 --> 00:43:10,623 Be careful. 897 00:43:10,623 --> 00:43:12,525 Train mob is very dangerous. 898 00:43:12,525 --> 00:43:14,361 Don't worry. Igor's my boy. 899 00:43:14,361 --> 00:43:15,929 If he's here, we're all set. 900 00:43:15,929 --> 00:43:18,431 Yes, but he knows you. 901 00:43:18,431 --> 00:43:19,799 They don't. 902 00:43:19,799 --> 00:43:22,869 [Bert] They look like they're cosplaying American History X. 903 00:43:22,869 --> 00:43:24,738 Let's go down further. 904 00:43:24,738 --> 00:43:26,106 Less eyes. 905 00:43:26,106 --> 00:43:29,209 [ominous music playing] 906 00:43:40,620 --> 00:43:41,621 Hello. 907 00:43:42,122 --> 00:43:44,391 [in Russian] You cannot park there. 908 00:43:49,295 --> 00:43:50,997 [in Russian] Bring me to Igor. 909 00:43:50,997 --> 00:43:52,632 Yes, sir. 910 00:43:53,233 --> 00:43:55,502 [train horn blows] 911 00:43:55,502 --> 00:43:57,837 [Bert] Doesn't that sound mean the train's departing? 912 00:43:57,837 --> 00:44:00,106 - Get on! - Wait, what's the plan? What are we doing? 913 00:44:00,106 --> 00:44:02,509 We stay on train till we find Igor. 914 00:44:02,509 --> 00:44:05,512 Get the plane, meet me in Moscow with the rest of the men. 915 00:44:06,813 --> 00:44:09,649 I cannot believe I'm doing this Moscow trip over again. 916 00:44:09,649 --> 00:44:11,117 - [Irina] Move. - [Bert] Wow. 917 00:44:11,117 --> 00:44:13,920 This train smells exactly like it did in '98. 918 00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:17,900 THE TRAIN 919 00:44:17,900 --> 00:44:20,193 [Young Bert groans] It smells like cabbage and grandmas. 920 00:44:20,193 --> 00:44:23,863 So long, Saint Petersburg! Hello, Moscow! 921 00:44:23,863 --> 00:44:24,998 Oh, sorry. 922 00:44:24,998 --> 00:44:27,100 [chattering in Russian] 923 00:44:28,268 --> 00:44:30,937 Why does everyone here look like they want to punch me in the face? 924 00:44:30,937 --> 00:44:32,806 It's improper to smile in Russia, Bert. 925 00:44:32,806 --> 00:44:34,341 You save it for the people you love. 926 00:44:35,175 --> 00:44:36,176 Do you? 927 00:44:36,843 --> 00:44:38,812 - Really? - What even is that? 928 00:44:38,812 --> 00:44:41,881 So you want to stay up all night in the bar car or...? 929 00:44:41,881 --> 00:44:45,452 I don't know how you can drink so much and never gain any weight. 930 00:44:45,452 --> 00:44:47,387 I just have really great genes. 931 00:44:50,190 --> 00:44:52,692 Do you maybe want to hang in my cabin instead? 932 00:44:53,660 --> 00:44:54,728 [Bert] I did. 933 00:44:54,728 --> 00:44:56,629 I definitely did. 934 00:44:56,629 --> 00:44:58,732 ["The Sign" playing] 935 00:44:58,732 --> 00:45:00,233 ****ing idiot. ****. 936 00:45:01,340 --> 00:45:03,236 Thanks, Dad, for the dull ****ing knife. 937 00:45:04,137 --> 00:45:08,908 ♪ How could a person like me care for you? Why do I bother...? ♪ 938 00:45:08,908 --> 00:45:10,810 Ash. Hey. 939 00:45:14,848 --> 00:45:19,686 ♪ No I saw the sign... ♪ 940 00:45:19,686 --> 00:45:20,587 Yeah. 941 00:45:21,254 --> 00:45:22,655 ****ing ow. 942 00:45:22,655 --> 00:45:25,580 ♪ Without understanding... ♪ 943 00:45:25,580 --> 00:45:25,992 Oh, jeez. 944 00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:28,595 Way too much. 945 00:45:28,595 --> 00:45:30,497 ♪ I saw the sign ♪ 946 00:45:30,497 --> 00:45:31,564 Yeah. 947 00:45:31,564 --> 00:45:37,370 ♪ I saw the sign ♪ 948 00:45:38,338 --> 00:45:41,541 ♪ And it opened up my eyes I saw the sign ♪ 949 00:45:41,541 --> 00:45:43,376 - Hey. - Hey, what are you doing? 950 00:45:43,376 --> 00:45:45,178 Uh, not much. 951 00:45:45,178 --> 00:45:47,113 I don't know. It's pretty crazy in there. 952 00:45:47,847 --> 00:45:49,883 So you still want to hang out? It's cool if not. 953 00:45:49,883 --> 00:45:52,185 You know, I'm a big fan of romantic buildup. 954 00:45:52,185 --> 00:45:53,860 [Ashley] Oh, yeah? 955 00:45:53,860 --> 00:45:55,922 [Bert] Yeah. Like, I don't even think Ross and Rachel should be together yet. 956 00:45:55,922 --> 00:45:56,890 [Ashley] No way. Me neither. 957 00:45:56,890 --> 00:45:58,958 - [Bert] Right? Save it for the millennium. - [Ashley] Yeah. 958 00:45:58,958 --> 00:46:00,727 - I kind of think we should... - [Fedor] You. 959 00:46:00,727 --> 00:46:03,263 [suspenseful music playing] 960 00:46:03,263 --> 00:46:04,364 Hey. 961 00:46:06,199 --> 00:46:08,301 You are one they call Machine? 962 00:46:10,203 --> 00:46:11,905 Yeah, uh, that's me. 963 00:46:12,572 --> 00:46:13,540 [Fedor] Hm. 964 00:46:16,409 --> 00:46:18,478 [Bert] Fedor was the boss of the train banditti. 965 00:46:18,478 --> 00:46:20,313 He smelled like nicotine patches 966 00:46:20,313 --> 00:46:23,116 and looked at me the way Ted Bundy looked at coeds. 967 00:46:23,116 --> 00:46:25,850 It was horrible. 968 00:46:25,850 --> 00:46:28,421 Machine does not ride with the peasants. Come, come. 969 00:46:31,124 --> 00:46:34,794 Uh, Ashley, I'm gonna go hang out with these scary dudes for a little bit, 970 00:46:34,794 --> 00:46:37,163 and then I'll be right back, okay? I'll check back in. 971 00:46:37,163 --> 00:46:39,332 FYI, I'm a good bed sharer. 972 00:46:39,332 --> 00:46:41,568 Okay? Fun to cuddle with, no night farts... 973 00:46:41,568 --> 00:46:45,710 [Albert] You left that girl, so you could hang out with a criminal? 974 00:46:45,710 --> 00:46:47,741 [Irina] He's right. She was a sure thing. 975 00:46:47,741 --> 00:46:51,111 [Bert] Yeah, well, I've never been good with sure things. 976 00:46:51,111 --> 00:46:53,146 But Fedor took me to the bar car. 977 00:46:53,146 --> 00:46:56,950 This place had booze, drugs, and here's the real gangster part. 978 00:46:56,950 --> 00:46:59,285 [in Russian] This is the Machine. 979 00:46:59,853 --> 00:47:01,354 [cheering] 980 00:47:01,354 --> 00:47:02,655 [Bert] They knew who I was. 981 00:47:03,590 --> 00:47:05,325 [in English] They like you, huh? 982 00:47:06,259 --> 00:47:08,862 [Bert] I guarantee this is where we'll find Igor. 983 00:47:10,797 --> 00:47:11,631 Wow. 984 00:47:11,631 --> 00:47:13,666 I guess nobody parties in the bar car anymore. 985 00:47:13,666 --> 00:47:15,502 [Irina] Hm. Especially Igor. 986 00:47:18,104 --> 00:47:20,507 You know, 23-year-old me loved this place. 987 00:47:20,507 --> 00:47:22,375 Now it looks like a truck-stop bathroom. 988 00:47:23,430 --> 00:47:26,680 I think your therapist would call that "growth people notice." 989 00:47:28,515 --> 00:47:29,516 Wait. 990 00:47:30,650 --> 00:47:32,285 Did LeeAnn tell you I was in therapy? 991 00:47:33,186 --> 00:47:34,120 [exhales] 992 00:47:34,621 --> 00:47:35,622 Well... 993 00:47:36,523 --> 00:47:38,858 when she called to invite me to the party, 994 00:47:38,858 --> 00:47:41,270 she opened up about what you're going through. 995 00:47:41,270 --> 00:47:44,297 After Sasha's arrest, we were both worried you'd... 996 00:47:44,798 --> 00:47:46,332 well, you know, mess up again. 997 00:47:46,332 --> 00:47:48,168 Mother****er! 998 00:47:48,168 --> 00:47:49,536 Does no one trust me? 999 00:47:49,536 --> 00:47:52,380 Or am I the guy that's only gonna mess up again? 1000 00:47:52,380 --> 00:47:53,873 - You're making a scene. - A scene? 1001 00:47:53,873 --> 00:47:56,843 I pay my bills by making a scene! 1002 00:47:56,843 --> 00:47:59,312 I rip my shirt off and yell, "I'm the Machine!" 1003 00:47:59,312 --> 00:48:00,380 [man] Hey! 1004 00:48:00,380 --> 00:48:03,883 - [ominous music playing] - Who says, "I am Machine"? 1005 00:48:05,518 --> 00:48:06,519 You? 1006 00:48:07,420 --> 00:48:09,889 They say Machine can walk through walls. 1007 00:48:10,757 --> 00:48:12,592 Only a ghost can do that. 1008 00:48:13,593 --> 00:48:14,594 You... 1009 00:48:15,395 --> 00:48:16,396 you are not Machine. 1010 00:48:19,499 --> 00:48:22,100 You want to see the ****ing Machine? They want to see the Machine. 1011 00:48:22,100 --> 00:48:24,337 - You're getting the ****ing Machine. - Hey, where you going? 1012 00:48:24,337 --> 00:48:26,539 First up, I don't normally do this for free. 1013 00:48:26,539 --> 00:48:28,341 Secondly, you're dressed like ****heads. 1014 00:48:28,341 --> 00:48:30,343 Matching Nazi ****heads. 1015 00:48:30,343 --> 00:48:32,612 And third, you say it three times and he shows up. 1016 00:48:32,612 --> 00:48:33,913 It's a lot like Candyman. 1017 00:48:34,514 --> 00:48:36,490 You've already said it twice. 1018 00:48:37,550 --> 00:48:38,551 That's me. 1019 00:48:39,352 --> 00:48:42,689 That's me on this bottle of vodka that says "The Machine." 1020 00:48:42,689 --> 00:48:43,857 [Albert] What are you doing? 1021 00:48:43,857 --> 00:48:45,392 - Dad, sit down! - Ah! 1022 00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:48,962 [man in Russian] I think we need to call the boss. 1023 00:48:49,763 --> 00:48:51,197 [phone beeps, then line dialing] 1024 00:48:51,197 --> 00:48:52,966 - Igor. - Igor? 1025 00:48:52,966 --> 00:48:55,235 [man continues in Russian] This guy says he's the Machine. 1026 00:48:55,902 --> 00:48:57,637 Igor, it's your boy Bert. 1027 00:48:57,637 --> 00:49:00,206 You better have my watch, *****. Finish it up. 1028 00:49:00,907 --> 00:49:03,743 He looks like the cartoon on the vodka bottle. 1029 00:49:04,110 --> 00:49:07,480 Only fatter. Yeah, with big titties. 1030 00:49:08,415 --> 00:49:12,285 Someone is with him. Volgovitch's daughter. 1031 00:49:13,787 --> 00:49:15,889 Go to VIP car. 1032 00:49:20,627 --> 00:49:24,970 [in English] Igor want to see you. He will come to the bar car soon. 1033 00:49:28,334 --> 00:49:32,272 But before that, it would be an honor to party with you... 1034 00:49:33,106 --> 00:49:34,107 Machine. 1035 00:49:38,678 --> 00:49:39,979 [Bert] Strasvutsia, *****es. 1036 00:49:40,680 --> 00:49:41,514 Let's do it. 1037 00:49:41,514 --> 00:49:43,283 [laughs] 1038 00:49:45,518 --> 00:49:48,188 [Igor] You do drink like Russian. 1039 00:49:49,422 --> 00:49:51,157 [speaks in Russian] 1040 00:49:51,157 --> 00:49:54,260 - Alcohol is the universal language. - [Igor in English] Yes. 1041 00:49:54,260 --> 00:49:56,429 We're all drunk on the inside. 1042 00:49:58,998 --> 00:50:02,669 So when do we meet the real Machine, huh? 1043 00:50:03,837 --> 00:50:05,138 All right, listen up. 1044 00:50:05,805 --> 00:50:07,640 ♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪ 1045 00:50:07,640 --> 00:50:08,541 ♪ Come on ♪ 1046 00:50:08,541 --> 00:50:09,676 - ♪ The nookie ♪ - ♪ Come on ♪ 1047 00:50:09,676 --> 00:50:11,111 ♪ So you can take that cookie ♪ 1048 00:50:11,111 --> 00:50:14,280 ♪ And stick it up your ***hole Stick it up your ***hole ♪ 1049 00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:15,648 ♪ Stick it up your ***hole... ♪ 1050 00:50:15,648 --> 00:50:18,385 Hey! Hey, excuse me! 1051 00:50:18,385 --> 00:50:20,320 Yo, teach. Hey, check it out. 1052 00:50:20,320 --> 00:50:23,156 I'm culturally bonding with the indigenous citizens. 1053 00:50:23,156 --> 00:50:27,160 Get your *** back to your cabin now! 1054 00:50:28,610 --> 00:50:29,696 ♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪ 1055 00:50:29,696 --> 00:50:31,531 - ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ The nookie ♪ 1056 00:50:31,531 --> 00:50:33,466 - ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ So you can take that cookie... ♪ 1057 00:50:33,466 --> 00:50:35,468 [yelling mockingly] 1058 00:50:35,468 --> 00:50:37,671 **** that *****! 1059 00:50:37,671 --> 00:50:39,172 This is... 1060 00:50:39,172 --> 00:50:41,541 [all] Russia! 1061 00:50:41,541 --> 00:50:44,644 [Bert] Dad, you said I had to go to Russia to find myself. 1062 00:50:44,644 --> 00:50:45,745 Well, I did. 1063 00:50:45,745 --> 00:50:49,182 - I'm king of the world! - [Russians cheering] 1064 00:50:49,816 --> 00:50:51,317 [Bert] That's how I felt. 1065 00:50:51,317 --> 00:50:52,886 I was king of the world. 1066 00:50:53,553 --> 00:50:54,421 [Irina] Titanic? 1067 00:50:54,421 --> 00:50:55,588 [Bert] Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1068 00:50:55,588 --> 00:50:57,991 I was stealing wholesale from A-list movies, 1069 00:50:57,991 --> 00:50:59,192 but it worked. 1070 00:50:59,192 --> 00:51:00,827 Let me tell you something. 1071 00:51:00,827 --> 00:51:04,731 Entertaining criminals and *** workers was amazing. 1072 00:51:04,731 --> 00:51:06,599 Maybe that's why I do so well in Florida, huh? 1073 00:51:06,599 --> 00:51:07,901 [laughing] 1074 00:51:07,901 --> 00:51:09,235 They don't even get it. 1075 00:51:11,404 --> 00:51:13,273 Tell us more stories, Machine. 1076 00:51:13,273 --> 00:51:15,342 The bar car was a blast. 1077 00:51:15,342 --> 00:51:17,677 But it's also where shit got real. 1078 00:51:17,677 --> 00:51:19,446 Uh, what do you want, Fedor? 1079 00:51:19,446 --> 00:51:20,914 [speaks in Russian] 1080 00:51:20,914 --> 00:51:23,249 Bread. Okay, cool. Wait. 1081 00:51:24,117 --> 00:51:25,919 - I knew you said "bread." - [in English] Yes. 1082 00:51:25,919 --> 00:51:27,787 I'm picking up the language. Give me another one, come on. 1083 00:51:27,787 --> 00:51:29,220 [speaks in Russian] 1084 00:51:29,220 --> 00:51:30,123 Cheese. 1085 00:51:30,123 --> 00:51:31,891 I'm basically fluent. 1086 00:51:33,193 --> 00:51:34,894 [speaks in Russian] 1087 00:51:35,462 --> 00:51:37,970 Uh... money. Got it. 1088 00:51:37,970 --> 00:51:38,531 Cool. Um... 1089 00:51:39,632 --> 00:51:41,735 Oh, no, are we robbing this guy? 1090 00:51:42,635 --> 00:51:43,803 Yeah, I don't... 1091 00:51:43,803 --> 00:51:45,772 I don't really want to rob anyone. 1092 00:51:45,772 --> 00:51:47,607 [Igor in English] Yes, you do. 1093 00:51:47,607 --> 00:51:49,542 [tense music playing] 1094 00:51:49,542 --> 00:51:51,644 Do it. *****. 1095 00:51:53,313 --> 00:51:57,150 First him, then train. 1096 00:51:57,150 --> 00:51:58,952 So that's what we did. 1097 00:51:58,952 --> 00:52:00,320 - We robbed the train. - [man] Yeah. 1098 00:52:01,121 --> 00:52:04,124 ["The Fear" playing] 1099 00:52:05,658 --> 00:52:07,560 [Bert] I was terrified. 1100 00:52:08,728 --> 00:52:10,397 They were practically giddy. 1101 00:52:13,166 --> 00:52:17,237 ♪ This is our "Music from A Bachelor's Den"... ♪ 1102 00:52:18,805 --> 00:52:19,906 [Igor] Let's go. 1103 00:52:21,141 --> 00:52:22,809 [Bert] Fedor kept feeding me booze. 1104 00:52:22,809 --> 00:52:26,513 Now you drink vodka. 1105 00:52:26,513 --> 00:52:27,981 [speaks in Russian] 1106 00:52:27,981 --> 00:52:29,616 [in English] Let's go. Drink. 1107 00:52:30,817 --> 00:52:31,818 That's it. 1108 00:52:34,454 --> 00:52:36,990 [Bert] I was completely out of control. 1109 00:52:36,990 --> 00:52:39,759 I mean, the rush of it. Turned into a thrill. 1110 00:52:39,759 --> 00:52:40,860 This is my room. 1111 00:52:41,628 --> 00:52:45,198 I was robbing the train with the Russian mafia. 1112 00:52:45,198 --> 00:52:46,833 And I wasn't dying. 1113 00:52:46,833 --> 00:52:49,703 [Young Bert] That's all my-- That's all my stuff. 1114 00:52:49,703 --> 00:52:52,380 Wait, wait, wait. You're actually taking my stuff? 1115 00:52:52,839 --> 00:52:56,276 Oh, no, no, no, no. That's my dad's, uh, knife. 1116 00:52:56,276 --> 00:52:57,777 You can't take that. 1117 00:52:57,777 --> 00:52:59,212 No, no, no. 1118 00:52:59,212 --> 00:53:02,182 You can take the other stuff. But the knife? 1119 00:53:02,716 --> 00:53:04,317 - That's my dad's. - [Igor] Really? 1120 00:53:04,317 --> 00:53:05,719 No go. 1121 00:53:05,719 --> 00:53:07,854 I can't take, huh? 1122 00:53:08,855 --> 00:53:10,223 I'm sorry, Dad. 1123 00:53:11,358 --> 00:53:12,525 I let him steal it. 1124 00:53:12,525 --> 00:53:13,960 [Young Bert] It's all yours. 1125 00:53:13,960 --> 00:53:16,620 [laughing] 1126 00:53:18,832 --> 00:53:20,533 Machine. 1127 00:53:21,234 --> 00:53:22,680 Wow. 1128 00:53:22,702 --> 00:53:24,371 I would've cut out his heart 1129 00:53:24,371 --> 00:53:27,340 and make him watch it stop beating with his last breath. 1130 00:53:28,875 --> 00:53:30,877 I guess we're just built different. 1131 00:53:30,877 --> 00:53:31,978 The watch. 1132 00:53:33,546 --> 00:53:35,181 [Bert] Once I got really drunk... 1133 00:53:37,183 --> 00:53:38,551 I robbed my class. 1134 00:53:39,686 --> 00:53:41,154 I robbed my whole class. 1135 00:53:41,988 --> 00:53:43,656 [Ashley] What the hell? Get out. 1136 00:53:45,992 --> 00:53:48,728 **** that *****. This is Russia. 1137 00:53:53,533 --> 00:53:54,667 Ash. 1138 00:53:54,667 --> 00:53:55,769 I'm... 1139 00:53:55,769 --> 00:53:59,172 Whoa! Woman hit man? 1140 00:53:59,172 --> 00:54:01,374 That is new. [laughs] 1141 00:54:01,374 --> 00:54:05,245 I felt like a complete and total piece of shit. 1142 00:54:06,179 --> 00:54:09,549 Give it. Fast, fast. Give me ring. 1143 00:54:10,250 --> 00:54:13,190 Let's go. [speaks in Russian] 1144 00:54:15,121 --> 00:54:17,457 - Okay? - That's it. 1145 00:54:17,457 --> 00:54:18,858 - Good boy. - Okay. 1146 00:54:18,858 --> 00:54:21,928 [poignant music playing] 1147 00:54:23,763 --> 00:54:25,980 I'll get it back. 1148 00:54:25,598 --> 00:54:26,766 I promise. 1149 00:54:28,435 --> 00:54:29,469 I'm sorry, Ash. 1150 00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:30,937 Yeah, **** you. 1151 00:54:33,640 --> 00:54:35,542 Machine is the man. 1152 00:54:35,542 --> 00:54:39,612 Hey. Machine. Igor need us in front of train. 1153 00:54:39,612 --> 00:54:41,614 You wait here. We come back with him. 1154 00:54:41,614 --> 00:54:42,782 Machine! 1155 00:54:43,616 --> 00:54:46,920 [in Russian] Enough of this ***** shit! 1156 00:54:47,721 --> 00:54:50,560 Do you talk about that part with...? 1157 00:54:51,910 --> 00:54:53,930 With Ashley when you do your show? 1158 00:54:53,930 --> 00:54:54,494 Obviously not, Dad. 1159 00:54:57,764 --> 00:54:59,599 But I think about it sometimes. 1160 00:55:00,166 --> 00:55:03,169 I think I liked that story better when I thought it was a lie. 1161 00:55:08,842 --> 00:55:12,412 And then what? Story of you being stupid idiot ***hole is sad, 1162 00:55:12,412 --> 00:55:15,815 but you need to remember my watch. 1163 00:55:15,815 --> 00:55:17,851 [pensive music playing] 1164 00:55:17,851 --> 00:55:20,954 [Igor laughing and speaking in Russian] 1165 00:55:23,823 --> 00:55:25,325 Oh! [laughs] 1166 00:55:28,128 --> 00:55:29,329 I remember. 1167 00:55:29,829 --> 00:55:32,980 There was one last private cabin. 1168 00:55:32,980 --> 00:55:35,168 [ominous music playing] 1169 00:55:36,436 --> 00:55:40,774 [in Russian] Please don't. It's a family heirloom. 1170 00:55:40,774 --> 00:55:42,976 [in Russian] **** your heirloom. 1171 00:55:43,710 --> 00:55:44,711 [in English] Do it. 1172 00:55:47,280 --> 00:55:48,281 Sorry. 1173 00:55:57,857 --> 00:56:00,860 [pensive classical music playing] 1174 00:56:17,143 --> 00:56:18,845 That was the watch. 1175 00:56:21,915 --> 00:56:23,717 My father was no criminal. 1176 00:56:25,518 --> 00:56:26,986 He was a salesman. 1177 00:56:28,521 --> 00:56:32,920 And then you stole the only thing he ever cared about. 1178 00:56:32,992 --> 00:56:35,528 He called police, but no one would help him. 1179 00:56:36,229 --> 00:56:38,665 It made him say, "**** honest living! 1180 00:56:38,665 --> 00:56:41,568 If you want respect, you have to take it." 1181 00:56:42,669 --> 00:56:46,239 And from there, he built our family. 1182 00:56:50,410 --> 00:56:51,578 Oh, my God. 1183 00:56:52,879 --> 00:56:54,848 I'm your origin story. 1184 00:56:55,515 --> 00:56:57,283 Most people see themselves as Batman... 1185 00:56:58,852 --> 00:57:00,920 not the guy who killed Batman's parents. 1186 00:57:00,920 --> 00:57:03,556 What did you do with the watch after that? 1187 00:57:03,556 --> 00:57:05,692 We went back to the bar car. 1188 00:57:05,692 --> 00:57:08,940 Fedor went through all the stuff that we stole. 1189 00:57:08,940 --> 00:57:11,197 [dramatic music playing] 1190 00:57:14,567 --> 00:57:16,469 - Ugh... - [watch playing pensive classical music] 1191 00:57:16,469 --> 00:57:19,105 I hate this song. 1192 00:57:21,641 --> 00:57:23,743 Listen, in Russia, 1193 00:57:24,644 --> 00:57:28,748 we always give gifts to a new friend. 1194 00:57:29,382 --> 00:57:30,617 Take, Machine. 1195 00:57:32,552 --> 00:57:34,220 He gave you the watch? 1196 00:57:35,388 --> 00:57:38,291 - Where is it, Bert? I need to know. - [Bert] I don't know. 1197 00:57:38,291 --> 00:57:39,325 [man] Machine. 1198 00:57:40,660 --> 00:57:42,295 Igor is here. 1199 00:57:44,297 --> 00:57:48,501 Igor, I present to you the Machine. 1200 00:57:49,690 --> 00:57:51,304 [tense music playing] 1201 00:57:52,772 --> 00:57:53,773 [Igor speaks in Russian] 1202 00:57:53,773 --> 00:57:56,476 Your friend has aged even worse than you. 1203 00:57:57,677 --> 00:57:59,813 [in English] My men say: 1204 00:58:00,447 --> 00:58:04,918 "Come to meet famous Machine from a vodka bottle." 1205 00:58:04,918 --> 00:58:06,653 I say, "Why not? 1206 00:58:06,653 --> 00:58:08,188 You can take selfie." 1207 00:58:09,522 --> 00:58:11,324 But you're not famous. 1208 00:58:13,827 --> 00:58:15,528 You have ****. 1209 00:58:16,596 --> 00:58:18,131 Yeah, we've established that. 1210 00:58:18,131 --> 00:58:20,600 I don't know this guy. This isn't Igor. 1211 00:58:20,600 --> 00:58:21,868 Who are you? 1212 00:58:21,868 --> 00:58:24,704 I knew old Igor. My name is also Igor. 1213 00:58:25,505 --> 00:58:28,274 I took train from him, make him disappear. 1214 00:58:29,509 --> 00:58:30,677 My train now. 1215 00:58:31,311 --> 00:58:32,879 Wait, Igor's dead? 1216 00:58:33,446 --> 00:58:34,280 Yeah. 1217 00:58:34,781 --> 00:58:37,117 - And you're gonna die also. - [Irina] Enough. 1218 00:58:38,618 --> 00:58:41,154 I'm Irina Ivanona Volgina. 1219 00:58:41,855 --> 00:58:43,656 You know who my father is. 1220 00:58:44,290 --> 00:58:47,193 These two dipshits belong to me. 1221 00:58:47,193 --> 00:58:51,640 Now go, if you want to live to see your children again. 1222 00:58:52,832 --> 00:58:53,967 Stupid *****. 1223 00:58:54,801 --> 00:58:56,536 You think I didn't ask for permission? 1224 00:58:57,203 --> 00:58:58,405 Permission? 1225 00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:05,780 [Albert growls] 1226 00:59:06,246 --> 00:59:07,681 All right! 1227 00:59:08,682 --> 00:59:10,160 Listen up. 1228 00:59:10,650 --> 00:59:12,585 - Never show fear, right? - Yeah. 1229 00:59:12,585 --> 00:59:13,520 Now, look. 1230 00:59:14,540 --> 00:59:15,755 [Bert] Wait, that's the knife you gave me. 1231 00:59:15,755 --> 00:59:18,224 No. I gave you one just like it. 1232 00:59:18,224 --> 00:59:20,193 I knew you couldn't be trusted with the original. 1233 00:59:20,193 --> 00:59:22,620 - I'm not an idiot. - Oh, my God. 1234 00:59:22,620 --> 00:59:24,970 You heard me pining about that knife. 1235 00:59:24,970 --> 00:59:27,670 You knew I felt guilty for losing it for like 25 years! 1236 00:59:27,670 --> 00:59:28,234 That's enough. 1237 00:59:28,835 --> 00:59:30,437 [Bert] Dad, stab this bald ****er. 1238 00:59:30,437 --> 00:59:31,838 I'm sorry, son. 1239 00:59:32,405 --> 00:59:33,740 - But... - [Bert] I can't breathe. 1240 00:59:33,740 --> 00:59:38,111 ...I swore I would never use a weapon for violence. 1241 00:59:48,210 --> 00:59:48,855 [in Russian] Hello. 1242 00:59:48,855 --> 00:59:51,925 [dramatic music playing] 1243 00:59:51,925 --> 00:59:53,930 [Bert] Whoa! 1244 00:59:53,927 --> 00:59:55,610 Oh, my God. 1245 00:59:55,862 --> 00:59:57,230 She cut his throat, Dad. 1246 00:59:57,230 --> 00:59:59,232 Oh, no, don't touch it. It's bad. 1247 00:59:59,232 --> 01:00:00,800 Oh, why is he touching it? 1248 01:00:00,800 --> 01:00:02,969 Oh, no. Why are you smiling? 1249 01:00:03,903 --> 01:00:05,305 Stop. Stop right there. Stop. 1250 01:00:05,305 --> 01:00:07,741 What am I supposed to do, Dad? What am I supposed to do? 1251 01:00:07,741 --> 01:00:08,808 Hit him, son. 1252 01:00:12,312 --> 01:00:13,413 [screams] 1253 01:00:13,413 --> 01:00:15,115 Oh, my God, Dad, I'm inside him! 1254 01:00:15,115 --> 01:00:17,917 - Oh, my God! [screaming] - [Igor grunting] 1255 01:00:18,985 --> 01:00:21,621 Let go of my arm! I'll try to get it out! 1256 01:00:21,621 --> 01:00:23,323 He's so warm! 1257 01:00:23,323 --> 01:00:25,892 No, no, no, no, no! God! 1258 01:00:30,563 --> 01:00:32,665 God! Help me let go! 1259 01:00:32,665 --> 01:00:34,501 God! You're, like, fisting his neck. 1260 01:00:34,501 --> 01:00:35,735 Help me! 1261 01:00:35,735 --> 01:00:37,570 Son of a *****! God! 1262 01:00:37,570 --> 01:00:40,173 It's like a pickle jar. Just let go of the pickle. 1263 01:00:40,173 --> 01:00:43,900 Damn it, Dad. It's nothing like a pickle jar! 1264 01:00:43,900 --> 01:00:44,110 Oh, shit! 1265 01:00:44,110 --> 01:00:45,812 - Incoming! - [crossing alarm ringing] 1266 01:00:51,317 --> 01:00:52,419 Oh, my God! 1267 01:00:52,419 --> 01:00:54,254 Get it off! Get it off me! 1268 01:00:54,254 --> 01:00:55,622 Get it off me! 1269 01:00:55,622 --> 01:00:57,490 No, not that way! The other way! 1270 01:00:57,490 --> 01:00:58,792 [yells] 1271 01:01:01,261 --> 01:01:04,664 Hey, were you saying "pull" or "pole"? 1272 01:01:04,664 --> 01:01:07,167 Does it really ****ing matter, Dad?! 1273 01:01:07,834 --> 01:01:09,836 Why did he say he had permission to kill us? 1274 01:01:11,638 --> 01:01:13,873 I know where we can find out. 1275 01:01:13,873 --> 01:01:15,975 [laughing and chattering] 1276 01:01:17,711 --> 01:01:20,480 Uh, hello. Can I have your attention, please? 1277 01:01:21,470 --> 01:01:24,651 We're here looking for whoever sent that large, bald man 1278 01:01:24,651 --> 01:01:26,653 to kill me and my son. 1279 01:01:26,653 --> 01:01:27,954 [Bert] Dad. Hey, Dad. 1280 01:01:28,621 --> 01:01:29,456 Dad. 1281 01:01:29,456 --> 01:01:31,391 Maybe ease up on the Russian mafia, okay? 1282 01:01:31,391 --> 01:01:34,127 [dramatic music playing] 1283 01:01:40,567 --> 01:01:42,802 - [Irina] Alexei. - Hm. It is so nice to see you, sister. 1284 01:01:42,802 --> 01:01:43,703 ALEXEI 1285 01:01:43,703 --> 01:01:46,172 - You have another brother? - [Irina] Mm. 1286 01:01:46,172 --> 01:01:48,842 [Alexei] Da. Three of us. Now two. 1287 01:01:48,842 --> 01:01:50,510 But thank you for killing him. 1288 01:01:51,511 --> 01:01:53,346 He was pain in ***. 1289 01:01:54,647 --> 01:01:56,820 And very stupid. 1290 01:01:57,517 --> 01:01:59,519 You have the meanest family of all time. 1291 01:01:59,519 --> 01:02:02,188 Kind of you to say, Machine. 1292 01:02:02,889 --> 01:02:06,920 I can't agree with your methods or your business model, 1293 01:02:06,920 --> 01:02:08,428 but it warms my heart to see a son 1294 01:02:08,428 --> 01:02:11,640 willing to take on his father's legacy. 1295 01:02:11,640 --> 01:02:14,670 Albert, Machine's father. 1296 01:02:14,670 --> 01:02:15,168 [laughs] 1297 01:02:16,236 --> 01:02:17,504 Oh, sister. 1298 01:02:17,504 --> 01:02:20,373 I intend to bring our father the watch Machine stole. 1299 01:02:20,373 --> 01:02:21,708 It is over. 1300 01:02:22,776 --> 01:02:23,943 Give me Machine. 1301 01:02:23,943 --> 01:02:25,912 Machine leads me to watch. 1302 01:02:25,912 --> 01:02:27,380 I win. 1303 01:02:27,380 --> 01:02:29,416 All right. You win. 1304 01:02:29,416 --> 01:02:30,784 You get the watch. 1305 01:02:32,619 --> 01:02:33,853 It is here? 1306 01:02:33,853 --> 01:02:35,689 Oh, yeah. It is here. 1307 01:02:36,890 --> 01:02:37,757 In this room. 1308 01:02:39,592 --> 01:02:42,462 We don't have it. We came to collect it. 1309 01:02:45,632 --> 01:02:46,533 From him. 1310 01:02:47,670 --> 01:02:48,201 Keyser Söze. 1311 01:02:49,436 --> 01:02:51,370 Keyser Söze? 1312 01:02:51,370 --> 01:02:53,740 Yeah, he has it. Go ahead, give it to him. 1313 01:02:53,740 --> 01:02:55,642 [man speaks in Russian] Who the **** is Keyser Soze? 1314 01:02:55,642 --> 01:02:57,811 - [speaks in Russian] - [Bert] Yep, it's his now. 1315 01:02:57,811 --> 01:03:00,447 - I'm out of the equation. - [suspenseful music playing] 1316 01:03:00,447 --> 01:03:03,550 - [speaks in Russian] - [Alexei speaks in Russian] 1317 01:03:08,121 --> 01:03:09,789 [dramatic music playing] 1318 01:03:09,789 --> 01:03:11,124 Where are we going? 1319 01:03:11,124 --> 01:03:12,559 You're gonna get us all killed! 1320 01:03:12,559 --> 01:03:13,893 Shut up and run. 1321 01:03:15,895 --> 01:03:16,930 There we go. 1322 01:03:28,740 --> 01:03:29,750 [Irina] ****! 1323 01:03:29,809 --> 01:03:31,811 [tense music playing] 1324 01:03:31,811 --> 01:03:35,281 Tsk, tsk, tsk. You make me chase you. 1325 01:03:38,184 --> 01:03:39,419 Not nice. 1326 01:03:41,654 --> 01:03:43,623 You think you're so cool. 1327 01:03:44,424 --> 01:03:47,660 Sister, do you really think you'd take over family? 1328 01:03:49,929 --> 01:03:50,930 Why? 1329 01:03:52,365 --> 01:03:54,200 I'm strong. I'm smart. 1330 01:03:54,200 --> 01:03:56,169 Please. You are a woman. 1331 01:03:58,338 --> 01:03:59,939 The world is changing. 1332 01:04:00,774 --> 01:04:02,275 Even for our family. 1333 01:04:02,275 --> 01:04:06,112 Father and I, we laugh about your delusions. 1334 01:04:09,315 --> 01:04:12,619 You and Father always underestimate me. 1335 01:04:14,320 --> 01:04:15,388 But you know what? 1336 01:04:17,570 --> 01:04:19,325 I deserve to be treated as an equal. 1337 01:04:20,293 --> 01:04:21,294 Agreed. 1338 01:04:28,168 --> 01:04:29,169 Huh. 1339 01:04:30,370 --> 01:04:32,305 [dramatic music playing] 1340 01:04:40,547 --> 01:04:41,981 - [Alexei] Hey. - Jesus. 1341 01:04:41,981 --> 01:04:43,850 I like this feminism thing. 1342 01:04:45,180 --> 01:04:48,355 And if you don't want me to kill your father next, 1343 01:04:48,888 --> 01:04:50,724 you will take me to the watch. 1344 01:04:50,724 --> 01:04:53,760 [Bert] All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'm gonna do whatever you want. 1345 01:04:53,760 --> 01:04:55,995 Don't hurt my father, okay? Give me a second. 1346 01:04:55,995 --> 01:04:58,310 Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad. Listen to me. Listen to me. 1347 01:04:58,310 --> 01:04:59,432 We're gonna be fine. We're gonna be a team. 1348 01:04:59,432 --> 01:05:01,000 Dad, listen to me right now, okay? 1349 01:05:01,000 --> 01:05:03,570 Butch Cassidy and Sundance. End of the movie, Dad. 1350 01:05:03,570 --> 01:05:06,106 - Waterfall. We're gonna waterfall. - Enough. 1351 01:05:08,575 --> 01:05:10,677 This is for your own good. 1352 01:05:11,544 --> 01:05:14,214 [pensive classical music playing] 1353 01:05:17,584 --> 01:05:21,688 [screams] Dad! 1354 01:05:32,565 --> 01:05:35,635 My son is a moron. You were wasting your time. 1355 01:05:35,635 --> 01:05:37,270 I'll help find your watch. 1356 01:05:37,904 --> 01:05:41,941 But only if you promise to keep my granddaughter safe. 1357 01:05:41,941 --> 01:05:45,450 [ominous music playing] 1358 01:05:45,450 --> 01:05:46,112 [laughs] 1359 01:05:48,248 --> 01:05:51,840 You are a very good father. 1360 01:06:02,996 --> 01:06:04,330 [Sasha] A cop pulled us over. 1361 01:06:04,330 --> 01:06:05,965 Dad, there's a cop. 1362 01:06:05,965 --> 01:06:08,968 Officer, no, I don't have a driver's license. 1363 01:06:08,968 --> 01:06:11,710 My dad's in the backseat. 1364 01:06:11,710 --> 01:06:13,740 Dad, stop. Shit, Dad. 1365 01:06:13,740 --> 01:06:14,908 Dad, wake up. 1366 01:06:16,943 --> 01:06:17,811 [groans] 1367 01:06:18,945 --> 01:06:21,748 [groaning] Oh, God. 1368 01:06:26,653 --> 01:06:27,987 Oh, shit. 1369 01:06:29,422 --> 01:06:31,458 [groaning] Ow! 1370 01:06:31,458 --> 01:06:33,626 Son of a *****. 1371 01:06:42,969 --> 01:06:45,538 Hello? 1372 01:06:45,538 --> 01:06:46,806 ****ing Dad. 1373 01:06:48,410 --> 01:06:49,420 I'm tired. 1374 01:06:50,276 --> 01:06:52,946 I'm sore. I'm hungry. 1375 01:06:53,813 --> 01:06:54,814 I'm hungry. 1376 01:07:01,554 --> 01:07:02,822 Thank you, Ash. 1377 01:07:09,195 --> 01:07:12,132 [crow cawing] 1378 01:07:12,132 --> 01:07:15,201 [pensive music swirling] 1379 01:07:23,309 --> 01:07:25,512 [rock music playing over headphones] 1380 01:07:27,480 --> 01:07:28,548 Wait. 1381 01:07:29,382 --> 01:07:30,216 Hey. 1382 01:07:30,216 --> 01:07:31,551 Is my daughter okay? 1383 01:07:32,185 --> 01:07:33,190 No. 1384 01:07:33,687 --> 01:07:34,654 [whimpers] 1385 01:07:35,555 --> 01:07:37,857 [Albert] My son is a moron. 1386 01:07:39,893 --> 01:07:41,528 [Young Bert] Hey, what's up, sleepyhead? 1387 01:07:42,620 --> 01:07:44,497 - What's this thing? - It's a mace. 1388 01:07:45,231 --> 01:07:46,533 The **** are you doing here? 1389 01:07:46,533 --> 01:07:48,768 Oh, I'm not here. You're just really high. 1390 01:07:51,771 --> 01:07:53,239 I am really high. 1391 01:07:57,877 --> 01:08:00,347 God, I came to Russia to become a man. 1392 01:08:00,347 --> 01:08:02,415 All I became was an ***hole criminal. 1393 01:08:02,415 --> 01:08:05,518 Yeah. You're gonna hang on to that for a while. 1394 01:08:05,518 --> 01:08:07,721 A lot of it, all the shit that happened on the train. 1395 01:08:08,355 --> 01:08:11,391 But, hey, that shirtless idiot thing? 1396 01:08:11,858 --> 01:08:13,860 [chuckles] It pays off bigtime. 1397 01:08:13,860 --> 01:08:15,280 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 1398 01:08:15,280 --> 01:08:16,730 - Yeah? - Oh, dude. 1399 01:08:16,730 --> 01:08:19,866 This trip to Russia sets you on a path. 1400 01:08:20,433 --> 01:08:22,569 You, my friend, are great at making people laugh. 1401 01:08:22,569 --> 01:08:23,703 Thanks, man. 1402 01:08:23,703 --> 01:08:24,771 Yeah. 1403 01:08:25,271 --> 01:08:27,207 - I am gonna be okay. - Yeah. 1404 01:08:27,874 --> 01:08:29,609 And then your wife's gonna put you in therapy. 1405 01:08:29,609 --> 01:08:30,710 Whoa. 1406 01:08:30,710 --> 01:08:32,479 - We're married? - Oh, yeah. 1407 01:08:32,479 --> 01:08:33,880 Is she hot? 1408 01:08:33,880 --> 01:08:35,582 - I mean, yeah. - Wait, what do you mean? 1409 01:08:35,582 --> 01:08:38,818 I mean, I think she's hot. I think she's hot. I mean, she's 50. 1410 01:08:41,254 --> 01:08:43,289 You married a 50-year-old? 1411 01:08:43,890 --> 01:08:46,493 Dude, what the ****? I thought you said we were gonna be okay. 1412 01:08:46,493 --> 01:08:47,994 No, I forgot how dumb I am. 1413 01:08:47,994 --> 01:08:49,429 We married her when she was 30. 1414 01:08:49,429 --> 01:08:52,232 She was-- She still is a smoke show. She's hot as shit, okay? 1415 01:08:52,232 --> 01:08:54,167 - Okay. - Don't make me defend our wife. 1416 01:08:54,167 --> 01:08:55,101 [groans] 1417 01:08:55,101 --> 01:08:56,169 She's a great mom. 1418 01:08:56,169 --> 01:08:57,303 Whoa. 1419 01:08:57,303 --> 01:08:58,238 We got kids? 1420 01:08:58,238 --> 01:08:59,305 - Yeah. - Boys? 1421 01:08:59,305 --> 01:09:00,974 - Mm... - Ah, I knew we'd have boys. 1422 01:09:00,974 --> 01:09:02,409 I always wanted to have boys. 1423 01:09:02,409 --> 01:09:03,810 Look at us. 1424 01:09:03,810 --> 01:09:07,480 Both of us just figuring ourselves out. 1425 01:09:08,348 --> 01:09:09,249 Ah. 1426 01:09:09,249 --> 01:09:10,784 Well, I am. 1427 01:09:11,418 --> 01:09:12,952 You're still pretty lost. 1428 01:09:12,952 --> 01:09:15,655 I mean, you're literally lost in a forest. 1429 01:09:15,655 --> 01:09:17,900 High on a pot brownie. 1430 01:09:17,900 --> 01:09:19,626 'Cause your dad kicked you off a train. 1431 01:09:19,626 --> 01:09:20,960 Because he hates you. 1432 01:09:20,960 --> 01:09:24,164 Because you can't save your own daughter, who hates you. 1433 01:09:24,164 --> 01:09:27,267 Now your wife's gonna hate you. Your whole family pretty much hates you. 1434 01:09:27,267 --> 01:09:28,601 Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. 1435 01:09:28,601 --> 01:09:31,400 I know this. I know this. Why are you doing this to me? 1436 01:09:31,400 --> 01:09:33,673 'Cause I'm trying to save you. You're about to get shot. 1437 01:09:35,208 --> 01:09:36,420 How so? 1438 01:09:36,420 --> 01:09:39,546 You're about to get shot. 1439 01:09:39,546 --> 01:09:41,648 Meaning what? 1440 01:09:41,648 --> 01:09:43,383 You're under fire. 1441 01:09:43,383 --> 01:09:45,819 - [bullets impacting] - [screaming] 1442 01:09:46,986 --> 01:09:49,389 [dramatic music playing] 1443 01:09:56,996 --> 01:09:58,465 ****! God! 1444 01:09:59,299 --> 01:10:00,467 Oh, my God! 1445 01:10:01,868 --> 01:10:02,869 ****. 1446 01:10:05,238 --> 01:10:08,241 [suspenseful music playing] 1447 01:10:22,222 --> 01:10:23,323 Bert? 1448 01:10:24,157 --> 01:10:25,158 Igor? 1449 01:10:29,329 --> 01:10:31,364 - Bert. - Igor! 1450 01:10:32,265 --> 01:10:34,200 - Machina! - Igor! 1451 01:10:34,200 --> 01:10:37,103 You look like a big bear. I mean, what? 1452 01:10:37,103 --> 01:10:38,571 - Oh! - [laughing] 1453 01:10:38,571 --> 01:10:41,408 - God. - My friend, you are here. 1454 01:10:41,408 --> 01:10:45,450 I can't believe you're alive. Oh, shit. It's good to see you. 1455 01:10:45,450 --> 01:10:46,346 [Igor laughing] 1456 01:10:49,416 --> 01:10:50,784 Do you have any snacks? 1457 01:10:50,784 --> 01:10:53,887 [Russian folk music playing on radio] 1458 01:10:54,354 --> 01:10:56,423 This is my home. 1459 01:10:58,580 --> 01:10:59,726 - You almost hit that guy, Igor. - Yeah. 1460 01:10:59,726 --> 01:11:00,660 [honks horn] 1461 01:11:01,327 --> 01:11:02,662 It's a tradition here. 1462 01:11:03,263 --> 01:11:04,564 Ah, look at this. 1463 01:11:05,198 --> 01:11:06,232 This is it. 1464 01:11:06,232 --> 01:11:07,167 IGOR'S VILLAGE 1465 01:11:07,167 --> 01:11:08,501 - [Bert] This is your house? - [Igor] Yeah. 1466 01:11:08,501 --> 01:11:10,570 [children laughing] 1467 01:11:14,400 --> 01:11:15,575 Holy shit. 1468 01:11:15,575 --> 01:11:18,678 Oh! Wait, are these all your kids? 1469 01:11:18,678 --> 01:11:21,414 Yeah, this is most of my kids. 1470 01:11:21,414 --> 01:11:24,718 - Oh, my God. - [speaking in Russian] 1471 01:11:25,418 --> 01:11:27,120 Jesus, you know you can pull out, right? 1472 01:11:28,154 --> 01:11:30,156 [speaks in Russian] 1473 01:11:32,580 --> 01:11:33,260 ...Machina! 1474 01:11:33,260 --> 01:11:34,994 Hey! Yeah! 1475 01:11:34,994 --> 01:11:36,563 - Oh, Machina! - Yeah! 1476 01:11:36,563 --> 01:11:38,665 [speaking in Russian] 1477 01:11:43,360 --> 01:11:43,870 Huh? 1478 01:11:45,438 --> 01:11:46,272 Igor. 1479 01:11:46,272 --> 01:11:47,841 Igor, Igor. 1480 01:11:47,841 --> 01:11:49,909 [Igor speaking in Russian] 1481 01:11:51,111 --> 01:11:54,247 [in English] My wife, she's a big fan of you, Machine. 1482 01:11:54,247 --> 01:11:55,782 - Oh! - Many in village are. 1483 01:11:55,782 --> 01:11:57,550 They listen to your podcast. 1484 01:11:57,550 --> 01:11:59,452 Why no new episodes? 1485 01:11:59,452 --> 01:12:01,388 [in Russian] Igor, have you killed the bear? 1486 01:12:01,388 --> 01:12:06,893 [in Russian] Not yet, but this is better! I find friend, Machine. Real one! 1487 01:12:07,961 --> 01:12:11,131 [in Russian] Blessed day for our village! 1488 01:12:11,131 --> 01:12:16,403 First you find Machine, Then I find *****! 1489 01:12:16,403 --> 01:12:18,271 - [in English] She find *****. - What? 1490 01:12:18,271 --> 01:12:20,373 [woman speaking in Russian] 1491 01:12:21,374 --> 01:12:24,377 - [villagers chattering] - [suspenseful music playing] 1492 01:12:27,614 --> 01:12:30,483 - Holy shit! Irina! You're alive! - [groans] 1493 01:12:30,483 --> 01:12:32,652 How the **** are you still alive? 1494 01:12:32,652 --> 01:12:35,880 Goddamn it. Oh, my God! 1495 01:12:35,622 --> 01:12:37,724 [in English] Would you like to buy her for the ****ing? 1496 01:12:37,724 --> 01:12:39,225 I don't know. 1497 01:12:39,225 --> 01:12:41,294 What do you think? How much? 1498 01:12:41,294 --> 01:12:43,630 More than you have. 1499 01:12:43,763 --> 01:12:45,650 I don't know, maybe-- 1500 01:12:45,650 --> 01:12:47,267 Oh, my God! What happened to your leg? 1501 01:12:47,267 --> 01:12:48,568 Oh, that looks bad. 1502 01:12:48,568 --> 01:12:50,437 Here, tell me if you feel this. 1503 01:12:50,437 --> 01:12:51,838 - [screams] - Oh! 1504 01:12:51,838 --> 01:12:54,740 Igor! Help! I know this *****! 1505 01:12:54,740 --> 01:12:55,442 Let's get her in your house! 1506 01:12:55,442 --> 01:12:58,111 - Here. - Igor, do you have any hydrogen peroxide? 1507 01:12:58,111 --> 01:13:01,481 Uh... no, but we have many kind of animal spit. 1508 01:13:01,481 --> 01:13:03,149 - Okay, well, here you go. - ****! [screams] 1509 01:13:03,149 --> 01:13:05,151 Okay, you're fine. No, no, no. We're good. 1510 01:13:05,151 --> 01:13:07,520 - ****! - Just get me something to dress it with. 1511 01:13:07,520 --> 01:13:10,790 - I gotta get this boot off. - [Irina cries, then groans] 1512 01:13:10,790 --> 01:13:13,426 - Okay. Okay, here we go. - Okay. Wait, wait, be careful. 1513 01:13:15,261 --> 01:13:16,796 - [Bert] All right. - [Irina groans] 1514 01:13:17,430 --> 01:13:19,966 Oh, it's pretty bad. Okay. - [groaning] 1515 01:13:19,966 --> 01:13:21,340 [retches] 1516 01:13:21,340 --> 01:13:23,336 - Oh, is it bad? - It's not that bad. 1517 01:13:23,336 --> 01:13:25,372 - Is it that bad? Oh, ****! - It's not that bad. 1518 01:13:26,973 --> 01:13:29,743 Oh, I'm gonna be sick now. Oh, ****! 1519 01:13:29,743 --> 01:13:32,178 Don't you throw up. If you throw up, I'm gonna throw up. 1520 01:13:32,178 --> 01:13:34,581 Don't throw up. Don't throw up. Please don't throw up. 1521 01:13:34,581 --> 01:13:38,840 - I won't throw up. You don't throw up. - I won't throw up, if you don't throw up. 1522 01:13:38,840 --> 01:13:39,786 - I'll trust you. Okay. - Deal. 1523 01:13:39,786 --> 01:13:41,788 Oh, God. Okay. 1524 01:13:43,189 --> 01:13:45,792 - Just do something about it! - I don't think I can do this. 1525 01:13:46,493 --> 01:13:47,827 Give me a pep talk. 1526 01:13:47,827 --> 01:13:50,597 - Just pull it out. You can do it. - Okay. 1527 01:13:50,597 --> 01:13:52,999 - I can do it? - You can do it. Just pull it out. Okay? 1528 01:13:52,999 --> 01:13:54,801 - One, two... - Three, two... 1529 01:13:54,801 --> 01:13:55,769 No, wait. No, wait. 1530 01:13:55,769 --> 01:13:58,438 - Three! Two! One! - Three! Two! One! 1531 01:13:58,438 --> 01:14:00,940 [both yelling] 1532 01:14:04,144 --> 01:14:05,712 I did it! I did it! 1533 01:14:06,546 --> 01:14:08,114 You're not gonna... 1534 01:14:14,320 --> 01:14:16,322 [Bert, Igor, Irina, Sonia laughing] 1535 01:14:16,322 --> 01:14:18,558 So anyway, I shoot the dude, 1536 01:14:18,558 --> 01:14:21,161 he shoots another dude, dude shoots another dude. 1537 01:14:21,161 --> 01:14:24,330 Three dudes, one-- Four-- Three-- Three bullets. 1538 01:14:24,330 --> 01:14:26,900 It was top ten all-time kills for me. Hell, yeah! 1539 01:14:26,900 --> 01:14:28,835 Yeah. Oh, is this...? 1540 01:14:28,835 --> 01:14:31,738 - Are we high-fiving a murder? - Yeah. 1541 01:14:31,738 --> 01:14:34,400 Hey, where is your father now? 1542 01:14:34,400 --> 01:14:36,209 Who the **** knows? 1543 01:14:36,209 --> 01:14:39,790 Let me tell you something. If he is alive, I'm ****ing killing him. 1544 01:14:39,790 --> 01:14:40,680 [Igor laughs] 1545 01:14:40,680 --> 01:14:42,716 Hey, Igor, what brought you here? 1546 01:14:42,716 --> 01:14:44,718 Hey, thanks to you, Bert. 1547 01:14:44,718 --> 01:14:46,386 - Me? - Yeah. 1548 01:14:46,386 --> 01:14:47,487 What? 1549 01:14:47,487 --> 01:14:50,924 When I saw how you find joy in every moment, 1550 01:14:50,924 --> 01:14:54,494 it make me think, "Mafia is dangerous." 1551 01:14:55,729 --> 01:14:57,970 Not easy life. 1552 01:14:57,970 --> 01:15:01,701 And one day, as I strangle man for not paying me for... 1553 01:15:03,200 --> 01:15:04,204 ah, whatever, 1554 01:15:04,204 --> 01:15:06,906 - I remembered something you say. - What? 1555 01:15:06,906 --> 01:15:10,877 You told me most important thing in life, 1556 01:15:10,877 --> 01:15:12,912 it is to find your smile. 1557 01:15:13,747 --> 01:15:14,881 - Oh! - Eh? 1558 01:15:15,582 --> 01:15:17,517 - Ho, ho, ho. Igor. - Huh? 1559 01:15:17,517 --> 01:15:19,786 I stole that from City Slickers. 1560 01:15:20,353 --> 01:15:23,223 Billy Crystal? 1980s? Cowboys? Nothing? 1561 01:15:23,223 --> 01:15:25,592 His whole deal is stealing shit. 1562 01:15:25,592 --> 01:15:27,927 Back then, Irina. Okay? 1563 01:15:27,927 --> 01:15:30,897 Hey, I just left. It was my choice. 1564 01:15:30,897 --> 01:15:32,298 My smile. 1565 01:15:32,298 --> 01:15:34,701 Mafia was not my smile. 1566 01:15:34,701 --> 01:15:37,470 This was. Children, family, Sonia. 1567 01:15:37,971 --> 01:15:41,541 In mafia, I would have died. 1568 01:15:41,541 --> 01:15:44,244 But I have this, thanks to you, Bert. 1569 01:15:44,244 --> 01:15:45,979 You saved my life. 1570 01:15:49,816 --> 01:15:51,117 Good for you, Igor. 1571 01:15:51,951 --> 01:15:53,820 Hey, at least I didn't ruin his life, right? 1572 01:15:58,792 --> 01:15:59,793 [Irina whispers] Bert? 1573 01:15:59,793 --> 01:16:01,895 [children laughing] 1574 01:16:05,331 --> 01:16:06,399 Bert? 1575 01:16:10,336 --> 01:16:12,672 Hey. Are you asleep? 1576 01:16:13,440 --> 01:16:14,441 Yeah. 1577 01:16:14,974 --> 01:16:17,844 What is this thing you did that made your daughter hate you? 1578 01:16:23,316 --> 01:16:24,317 All right. 1579 01:16:26,686 --> 01:16:30,423 So me and my big, fat friend Tom, we're doing a podcast, 1580 01:16:30,990 --> 01:16:33,693 and we get accidentally very ****ed up. 1581 01:16:35,950 --> 01:16:37,297 - That's not so bad. - Wait for it. 1582 01:16:37,297 --> 01:16:39,999 So Sasha's 15, right? She's got her learner's permit. 1583 01:16:40,633 --> 01:16:42,936 I'm like, "Hey, come out to me. 1584 01:16:43,670 --> 01:16:46,473 Get my car, drive me home." Right? Bam, bam. 1585 01:16:48,800 --> 01:16:50,877 You asked your teenage daughter to drive you home drunk? 1586 01:16:50,877 --> 01:16:52,979 It gets worse, okay? 1587 01:16:52,979 --> 01:16:54,447 She rolls a stop sign. 1588 01:16:55,480 --> 01:16:56,383 Cop pulls her over. 1589 01:16:58,852 --> 01:17:02,856 Turns out, having a parent in the car doesn't count if the parent's trashed. 1590 01:17:05,191 --> 01:17:09,290 She can't get her license for two years. I got a misdemeanor. It was awful. 1591 01:17:09,290 --> 01:17:11,564 Well, if that's everything, that's not so bad. 1592 01:17:12,298 --> 01:17:15,635 I wish that was the worst thing my father ever did to me. 1593 01:17:15,635 --> 01:17:17,670 It almost sounds nice. 1594 01:17:19,873 --> 01:17:22,709 Four minutes before I passed out, I started a livestream. 1595 01:17:23,543 --> 01:17:25,712 And I livestreamed the entire event. 1596 01:17:26,513 --> 01:17:28,148 It immediately went viral. 1597 01:17:29,315 --> 01:17:31,251 Next weekend was Father's Day. 1598 01:17:31,251 --> 01:17:33,153 [poignant music playing] 1599 01:17:33,153 --> 01:17:34,654 She was so mad. 1600 01:17:36,723 --> 01:17:38,892 Oh, God, she didn't talk to me for a month. 1601 01:17:41,940 --> 01:17:42,495 It was a wake-up call. 1602 01:17:45,165 --> 01:17:47,167 [sniffles, then sobs] 1603 01:17:49,736 --> 01:17:54,207 I've been this party guy for so long, I don't even know who I am anymore. 1604 01:17:56,176 --> 01:17:58,878 [music turns hopeful] 1605 01:17:58,878 --> 01:18:04,384 Then maybe you're not supposed to be only Bert. 1606 01:18:07,870 --> 01:18:08,755 Look what you did for Igor. 1607 01:18:10,230 --> 01:18:13,259 Your stupid drunk talk, it saved his life. 1608 01:18:15,950 --> 01:18:16,463 I don't follow. 1609 01:18:19,432 --> 01:18:22,635 We do not grow by destroying part of ourselves. 1610 01:18:23,136 --> 01:18:25,905 We grow by finding a balance between parts. 1611 01:18:27,140 --> 01:18:29,750 Balance like Steve Urkel. 1612 01:18:31,745 --> 01:18:32,812 Did you just say "Urkel"? 1613 01:18:32,812 --> 01:18:36,449 It's a reference to one of my favorite American television shows. 1614 01:18:36,449 --> 01:18:37,884 Family Matters. 1615 01:18:37,884 --> 01:18:39,252 You know it? 1616 01:18:39,252 --> 01:18:42,389 Yeah. Wait. But wait. What the ****'s Urkel got to do with this? 1617 01:18:42,389 --> 01:18:43,723 Oh! 1618 01:18:43,723 --> 01:18:47,600 In season five, Steve Urkel takes this potion 1619 01:18:47,600 --> 01:18:51,398 that transforms him into Stefan Urquelle, like, this cool version of him. 1620 01:18:51,398 --> 01:18:53,666 Everyone starts hating him, but what does he do? 1621 01:18:53,666 --> 01:18:55,835 He doesn't surrender. 1622 01:18:55,835 --> 01:18:57,337 He improves his formula, 1623 01:18:57,337 --> 01:19:00,774 and in the end, he gets best of both worlds. 1624 01:19:01,441 --> 01:19:03,910 You are the Machine and Bert. 1625 01:19:04,511 --> 01:19:06,179 You have both sides. 1626 01:19:06,179 --> 01:19:09,182 But now you need to balance. 1627 01:19:13,190 --> 01:19:13,853 I get it. 1628 01:19:14,921 --> 01:19:16,489 Goddamn it. 1629 01:19:17,290 --> 01:19:19,359 Can't believe I slept on Family Matters. 1630 01:19:19,359 --> 01:19:22,295 Oh, you should definitely watch it. It's very good. 1631 01:19:24,431 --> 01:19:26,320 "Did I do that?" 1632 01:19:26,320 --> 01:19:27,934 [gasps] He watched it. 1633 01:19:29,836 --> 01:19:32,972 When communists came, politburo burned down the church 1634 01:19:32,972 --> 01:19:35,108 and build this factory. 1635 01:19:35,108 --> 01:19:38,211 When the communists leave, factory closed. 1636 01:19:38,211 --> 01:19:41,381 When I came to the village, I helped them build this. 1637 01:19:41,381 --> 01:19:43,650 - [Bert] You built this? - [Igor] No, no. Inside. 1638 01:19:49,789 --> 01:19:52,492 I took you here because building this place, 1639 01:19:52,492 --> 01:19:54,527 feeling closer to God, 1640 01:19:54,527 --> 01:19:57,300 taught me how to forgive myself. 1641 01:19:57,300 --> 01:20:01,334 You know, for all the bad things that I did, murders, 1642 01:20:01,901 --> 01:20:03,370 all those years ago. 1643 01:20:04,237 --> 01:20:07,907 Why do you think I hooked you up with the train banditti? 1644 01:20:07,907 --> 01:20:09,843 I don't know. To show them a good time? 1645 01:20:09,843 --> 01:20:11,745 Da. And? 1646 01:20:12,979 --> 01:20:15,480 To keep your class safe. 1647 01:20:15,982 --> 01:20:17,984 Train banditti are very dangerous. 1648 01:20:17,984 --> 01:20:20,153 They do terrible things to the passengers. 1649 01:20:20,153 --> 01:20:23,857 I introduced them to Machine to distract them, 1650 01:20:23,857 --> 01:20:26,593 by doing what he always does. 1651 01:20:27,227 --> 01:20:29,696 Yeah. I robbed a lot of people, Igor. 1652 01:20:29,696 --> 01:20:30,930 So? 1653 01:20:31,498 --> 01:20:33,767 Was anyone hurt, killed? 1654 01:20:33,767 --> 01:20:36,202 You spit in a girl's face. You were an ***hole. 1655 01:20:36,202 --> 01:20:39,272 - But your class, they were safe - [auspicious music playing] 1656 01:20:39,272 --> 01:20:42,409 because you did exactly what you're supposed to do, 1657 01:20:42,409 --> 01:20:45,512 by showing them good time, making them laugh. 1658 01:20:45,512 --> 01:20:47,847 You protected those people. 1659 01:20:47,847 --> 01:20:51,117 That is what a man does. 1660 01:20:52,352 --> 01:20:53,520 Goddamn it. 1661 01:20:53,520 --> 01:20:55,755 [Irina] Seems you're a good man, Bert. 1662 01:20:57,724 --> 01:20:59,793 - Thanks, Irina. - [pensive classical music playing] 1663 01:20:59,793 --> 01:21:01,394 [Igor] It's time to feed kids. 1664 01:21:01,394 --> 01:21:04,764 Holy shit! That's the watch! Oh! 1665 01:21:04,764 --> 01:21:06,660 My father's watch. 1666 01:21:08,635 --> 01:21:10,704 [dramatic music playing] 1667 01:21:10,704 --> 01:21:12,238 [speaks in Russian] 1668 01:21:12,238 --> 01:21:13,973 How do you have that? 1669 01:21:13,973 --> 01:21:16,643 You gave it to me when you left Russia. 1670 01:21:16,643 --> 01:21:19,790 You said it was thank you for being a true friend. 1671 01:21:19,790 --> 01:21:21,114 You were very, very drunk. 1672 01:21:22,449 --> 01:21:23,950 I was embarrassed taking it, 1673 01:21:23,950 --> 01:21:26,286 but the words were nice, so I just took it. 1674 01:21:26,286 --> 01:21:28,121 Sweet, drunk words. 1675 01:21:28,121 --> 01:21:29,222 God, yes. 1676 01:21:29,823 --> 01:21:31,157 Let's go, Bert. 1677 01:21:31,157 --> 01:21:32,992 I have an empire to claim. 1678 01:21:33,927 --> 01:21:35,829 I would pay to listen to her talk during ***. 1679 01:21:35,829 --> 01:21:37,430 I would pay to have *** with her. 1680 01:21:37,430 --> 01:21:39,232 [Bert] Sorry about your bathroom. 1681 01:21:39,232 --> 01:21:41,267 Thank you for taming the *****. 1682 01:21:41,267 --> 01:21:42,936 No, thank you. 1683 01:21:42,936 --> 01:21:44,604 I'll cherish these. 1684 01:21:44,604 --> 01:21:46,606 The **** am I supposed to do with a chicken? 1685 01:21:46,606 --> 01:21:49,776 Hey, Bert. I need to come clean. 1686 01:21:49,776 --> 01:21:52,278 After train, I talked to Fedor, and... 1687 01:21:53,130 --> 01:21:55,315 he gave me what you stole from class. 1688 01:21:55,315 --> 01:21:59,452 Then everyone go back to U.S.A., so I kept it to remember. 1689 01:21:59,452 --> 01:22:02,255 - [Bert] Hold on. No way. - [Igor] Yeah. 1690 01:22:02,956 --> 01:22:03,990 Dude. 1691 01:22:03,990 --> 01:22:05,792 Hey, take it. 1692 01:22:05,792 --> 01:22:08,294 And go to Moscow and save your father. 1693 01:22:08,795 --> 01:22:12,320 If he's still alive. He may have been tortured to death. 1694 01:22:13,833 --> 01:22:15,100 I think she's autistic. 1695 01:22:15,100 --> 01:22:15,969 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1696 01:22:15,969 --> 01:22:19,372 Hey, man. Thank you for everything, man. 1697 01:22:19,372 --> 01:22:20,473 - No, no, no. - No? 1698 01:22:20,473 --> 01:22:22,108 You've been a good-luck charm to me. 1699 01:22:22,108 --> 01:22:23,877 - My life changed the day I met you. - Hey. 1700 01:22:23,877 --> 01:22:25,345 - Bert, thank you. - No, thank you. 1701 01:22:25,345 --> 01:22:26,613 - No, thank you. - No, thank you. 1702 01:22:26,613 --> 01:22:27,847 [both yell] 1703 01:22:27,847 --> 01:22:31,170 - God. I'll miss you, brother. - ["Hey Man Nice Shot" playing] 1704 01:22:31,170 --> 01:22:34,154 [Irina] I'm gonna miss these disgusting poor people. 1705 01:22:35,622 --> 01:22:38,358 So you just think it and say it? You don't stop it at all, right? 1706 01:22:39,292 --> 01:22:40,694 Yes, basically. 1707 01:22:41,494 --> 01:22:43,830 - Never met someone like myself before. - Yeah. 1708 01:22:43,830 --> 01:22:46,900 ♪ Hey, man ♪ 1709 01:22:46,900 --> 01:22:49,202 MOSCOW 1710 01:22:49,202 --> 01:22:53,390 ♪ Nice gun ♪ 1711 01:22:54,541 --> 01:22:59,346 ♪ Hey, man ♪ 1712 01:23:00,800 --> 01:23:03,883 ♪ Have fun ♪ 1713 01:23:05,418 --> 01:23:09,589 ♪ Hey, man ♪ 1714 01:23:10,990 --> 01:23:14,761 ♪ Have fun ♪ 1715 01:23:14,761 --> 01:23:16,429 ♪ Nice shot, man ♪ 1716 01:23:16,429 --> 01:23:18,698 - [song fades] - [people laughing and chattering] 1717 01:23:18,698 --> 01:23:20,533 [Albert] So I keep having this recurring dream 1718 01:23:20,533 --> 01:23:22,202 where Dolly Parton throws me her pick, 1719 01:23:22,202 --> 01:23:24,371 calls me on-stage and wants me to jam with her. 1720 01:23:24,371 --> 01:23:25,438 I'm freaking shredding, 1721 01:23:25,438 --> 01:23:27,941 but my fingers turn into spiders and my teeth fall out. 1722 01:23:27,941 --> 01:23:31,110 Pretty sure it's my heart medication having a reaction with my sleeping pill. 1723 01:23:31,110 --> 01:23:32,579 But, hey, it's better than doing acid, 1724 01:23:32,579 --> 01:23:34,948 and kind of the highlight of my day at this point. 1725 01:23:35,448 --> 01:23:38,351 - It's sad but true. - What the **** is going on in here? 1726 01:23:39,520 --> 01:23:40,353 Oh, hi, son. 1727 01:23:43,423 --> 01:23:44,524 [Bert] You two are buds now? 1728 01:23:46,693 --> 01:23:48,962 Dad, why are you talking all fast like you're on speed or something? 1729 01:23:48,962 --> 01:23:52,732 'Cause I'm on speed. And it is so, so, so, so great. 1730 01:23:52,732 --> 01:23:55,268 Oh! More drugs. 1731 01:23:55,268 --> 01:23:56,469 Ooh. [snorts] 1732 01:23:56,469 --> 01:23:59,720 Ooh! Oh. [laughs] 1733 01:23:59,720 --> 01:24:00,240 Look at me. 1734 01:24:00,240 --> 01:24:02,409 I'm Molly Parton! 1735 01:24:02,409 --> 01:24:04,611 [Albert and Russian laughing] 1736 01:24:05,712 --> 01:24:07,213 You see what I did there? 1737 01:24:07,213 --> 01:24:08,948 [ominous music playing] 1738 01:24:08,948 --> 01:24:11,117 Irina. You're alive. 1739 01:24:11,818 --> 01:24:14,988 - Super. - Yes, ***hole, I am alive. 1740 01:24:14,988 --> 01:24:19,592 I brought the Machine, and I even have the watch. 1741 01:24:19,592 --> 01:24:22,495 So suck my ****. 1742 01:24:22,495 --> 01:24:24,731 - Thanks. - **** you, Sponge! 1743 01:24:24,731 --> 01:24:26,599 No, **** you. 1744 01:24:26,599 --> 01:24:28,100 He pay me. 1745 01:24:29,200 --> 01:24:30,700 You hit me. 1746 01:24:30,570 --> 01:24:32,439 [Irina] I should have left you in that gulag, 1747 01:24:32,439 --> 01:24:34,574 with those doctors poking and prodding you. 1748 01:24:34,574 --> 01:24:37,310 I would string you up by your balls. 1749 01:24:38,845 --> 01:24:41,614 [playing pensive classical music] 1750 01:24:41,614 --> 01:24:44,684 [ominous music playing] 1751 01:24:48,355 --> 01:24:49,356 Machine. 1752 01:24:52,325 --> 01:24:53,526 I must say, 1753 01:24:54,694 --> 01:24:56,296 your dad is so fun. 1754 01:24:56,830 --> 01:24:59,299 He is the original Machine. 1755 01:25:00,533 --> 01:25:01,768 [Albert] I'm the prototype. 1756 01:25:01,768 --> 01:25:03,670 He has been partying with us. 1757 01:25:03,670 --> 01:25:07,474 Now, your mom was more of a kind of missionary kind of gal, 1758 01:25:07,474 --> 01:25:10,377 but Annika... Oh, ho! 1759 01:25:10,377 --> 01:25:14,470 - She's got the cushion for the Pushkin. - [Russians laughing] 1760 01:25:14,781 --> 01:25:16,516 Oh, Dad, please stop. 1761 01:25:16,516 --> 01:25:20,653 See, your dad has spent so long looking after you, 1762 01:25:20,653 --> 01:25:22,689 he never got a chance to have fun on his own. 1763 01:25:23,723 --> 01:25:24,824 Oh, ho! 1764 01:25:24,824 --> 01:25:26,993 What a load of horseshit that is. 1765 01:25:26,993 --> 01:25:30,163 Those Dolly Parton tickets he was just bragging about? Front row? 1766 01:25:30,163 --> 01:25:32,320 Who do you think bought them for him? 1767 01:25:32,320 --> 01:25:34,467 And to think I thought I was finally understanding you. 1768 01:25:34,467 --> 01:25:37,637 I found your ****ing knife. Yeah, you want this piece of shit? 1769 01:25:37,637 --> 01:25:39,472 When he kicked me off the train, 1770 01:25:39,472 --> 01:25:41,241 I thought, "Maybe he's trying to keep me safe, 1771 01:25:41,241 --> 01:25:43,309 protect me or has a plan." 1772 01:25:43,309 --> 01:25:46,346 But no plan. No ****ing plan. 1773 01:25:46,346 --> 01:25:48,348 You're just a big old ****! 1774 01:25:49,215 --> 01:25:52,752 I may have let you down in this world. You've pointed that out a lot. 1775 01:25:52,752 --> 01:25:55,889 But you know what, Dad? You have let me down. 1776 01:25:55,889 --> 01:25:57,857 Just like I let Sasha down. 1777 01:25:58,491 --> 01:26:01,394 I can't believe I thought you were here to take care of me. 1778 01:26:01,394 --> 01:26:03,997 Dad, take a ****ing look around. 1779 01:26:03,997 --> 01:26:05,498 You let me down! 1780 01:26:07,867 --> 01:26:09,169 Son. 1781 01:26:09,769 --> 01:26:12,405 I will always take care of you. 1782 01:26:13,730 --> 01:26:14,740 [laughs] 1783 01:26:14,774 --> 01:26:15,775 [Alexei] What? 1784 01:26:16,843 --> 01:26:20,280 You people threatened my granddaughter, 1785 01:26:20,947 --> 01:26:22,749 you kidnapped my son, 1786 01:26:22,749 --> 01:26:26,686 and made me do a lot of amazing drugs. 1787 01:26:26,686 --> 01:26:30,390 And this is how we say thank you in Florida. 1788 01:26:30,390 --> 01:26:31,558 [Alexei grunts] 1789 01:26:31,558 --> 01:26:33,590 [intense music playing] 1790 01:26:33,590 --> 01:26:35,280 Holy shit! 1791 01:26:36,363 --> 01:26:37,464 [women scream] 1792 01:26:38,431 --> 01:26:40,133 Mother****ing Eagle Scout. 1793 01:26:40,133 --> 01:26:42,350 Oh, ****! 1794 01:26:42,350 --> 01:26:44,637 You have amazing ****! - ["Take Me Home Country Roads" playing] 1795 01:26:44,637 --> 01:26:46,706 - [gunshots] - [Bert] Oh, shit! 1796 01:26:46,706 --> 01:26:48,141 I got the doors! 1797 01:26:49,420 --> 01:26:49,876 God! 1798 01:26:49,876 --> 01:26:51,911 [intense music playing] 1799 01:26:51,911 --> 01:26:53,947 [all clamoring] 1800 01:26:57,250 --> 01:26:58,651 I thought you were nonviolent. 1801 01:26:58,651 --> 01:27:01,221 I am! But I also love my son! 1802 01:27:01,221 --> 01:27:03,123 I knew you'd survive falling off that train 1803 01:27:03,123 --> 01:27:05,892 because of your big old boobies and protective layers of fat. 1804 01:27:06,593 --> 01:27:08,294 Oh, my God, you're so high right now. 1805 01:27:08,294 --> 01:27:11,431 I am so high. I am so high! 1806 01:27:11,431 --> 01:27:14,667 Idiots, stop talking and run. I'll find the watch. 1807 01:27:15,235 --> 01:27:16,770 Come on, come on, come on. 1808 01:27:17,837 --> 01:27:19,773 Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards. 1809 01:27:20,473 --> 01:27:21,908 Dad, come on! Stop lollygagging! 1810 01:27:21,908 --> 01:27:25,111 [dramatic Russian music playing over speakers] 1811 01:27:25,111 --> 01:27:27,180 God. All right. Have a great night, everybody. 1812 01:27:27,180 --> 01:27:28,648 Ooh, you're dropping your money. 1813 01:27:28,648 --> 01:27:30,784 Don't drink and drive. Grab a T-shirt on your way out. 1814 01:27:30,784 --> 01:27:34,200 All right, have a good one. Oh, here we go. The last ones out. 1815 01:27:34,200 --> 01:27:36,156 Sorry for the gunfire, everybody. Have a great night. 1816 01:27:36,156 --> 01:27:38,910 Take care. Thank you very much. 1817 01:27:39,159 --> 01:27:41,361 All right, Dad. We're good. 1818 01:27:41,361 --> 01:27:43,863 Now, listen, I need you to use this drug energy for good. 1819 01:27:43,863 --> 01:27:45,432 All right? Like Charlie Sheen did. 1820 01:27:45,932 --> 01:27:47,834 Oh, shit. Dad, get down. 1821 01:28:03,450 --> 01:28:05,452 [both grunting] 1822 01:28:16,663 --> 01:28:17,497 - Bert. - Shh! 1823 01:28:17,497 --> 01:28:18,998 - I lied. - Stop talking. 1824 01:28:18,998 --> 01:28:20,166 Come on, let's go. 1825 01:28:21,201 --> 01:28:23,737 [Albert] Look at me. I think I failed you as a dad. 1826 01:28:23,737 --> 01:28:26,172 - Dad, be quiet. - I can't. 1827 01:28:26,172 --> 01:28:29,409 I'm feeling so many feelings, and I need to tell you about them. 1828 01:28:30,477 --> 01:28:31,644 Bert? 1829 01:28:31,644 --> 01:28:32,746 - Bert? - What? 1830 01:28:33,546 --> 01:28:34,981 I need to say this. 1831 01:28:34,981 --> 01:28:38,180 Instead of accepting you, I criticized you. 1832 01:28:38,180 --> 01:28:40,720 But it was only because I wanted to keep you safe. 1833 01:28:40,720 --> 01:28:42,655 Why have you never told me this? 1834 01:28:42,655 --> 01:28:43,990 I don't know. It's... 1835 01:28:43,990 --> 01:28:48,280 Vulnerability is scary, and opening up is hard. 1836 01:28:48,895 --> 01:28:51,197 - What drugs did they give you? - Well, well, it was... 1837 01:28:51,197 --> 01:28:52,732 Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go. 1838 01:28:52,732 --> 01:28:55,680 One was yellow, but I don't know what it was. 1839 01:28:55,680 --> 01:28:57,604 [suspenseful music playing] 1840 01:28:57,604 --> 01:28:59,706 - Bert. - Dad, shut the **** up. 1841 01:28:59,706 --> 01:29:01,740 This is important. 1842 01:29:03,943 --> 01:29:06,179 - All dads mess up, Bert. - [tender music playing] 1843 01:29:06,913 --> 01:29:08,782 But the good ones, we-- 1844 01:29:09,916 --> 01:29:11,551 We try to do better. 1845 01:29:13,687 --> 01:29:16,389 I guess sometimes it just... 1846 01:29:17,557 --> 01:29:19,250 takes us a while. 1847 01:29:19,626 --> 01:29:21,261 You're my boy, Bert. 1848 01:29:23,463 --> 01:29:25,131 Don't ever forget that. 1849 01:29:25,799 --> 01:29:27,300 You'll always... 1850 01:29:28,101 --> 01:29:29,602 be my boy. 1851 01:29:36,576 --> 01:29:37,811 This is nice, Dad. 1852 01:29:38,445 --> 01:29:41,281 You should do drugs more often. Look at us. 1853 01:29:41,281 --> 01:29:43,149 We're finally working through our shit. 1854 01:29:44,117 --> 01:29:46,286 - [machinegun firing] - [Bert and Albert screaming] 1855 01:29:47,654 --> 01:29:48,955 Dad, let's go! 1856 01:29:50,223 --> 01:29:51,291 Goddamn! 1857 01:29:51,291 --> 01:29:53,660 I just wish it had happened before we were about to die! 1858 01:29:53,660 --> 01:29:55,662 No, we're not gonna die. 1859 01:29:56,229 --> 01:29:57,630 Here. 1860 01:29:58,231 --> 01:30:01,267 You have always succeeded by being exactly you. 1861 01:30:01,267 --> 01:30:03,136 Now, take off that shirt 1862 01:30:03,136 --> 01:30:06,806 and show those SOBs who you really are. 1863 01:30:10,577 --> 01:30:11,578 Hey! 1864 01:30:11,578 --> 01:30:13,646 [dramatic music playing] 1865 01:30:13,646 --> 01:30:16,750 [speaking in Russian] 1866 01:30:17,617 --> 01:30:18,451 [in English] ****. 1867 01:30:25,825 --> 01:30:28,928 [dramatic music continues] 1868 01:30:38,338 --> 01:30:40,940 THE MACHINE 1869 01:30:44,511 --> 01:30:47,781 Now you gotta party with me. 1870 01:30:48,381 --> 01:30:49,683 Who the **** are you? 1871 01:30:49,683 --> 01:30:53,530 He's the mother****ing Machine! 1872 01:30:56,656 --> 01:30:58,224 [all laughing] 1873 01:30:58,224 --> 01:30:59,626 [guns cocking] 1874 01:30:59,626 --> 01:31:00,694 Oh, shit. 1875 01:31:02,362 --> 01:31:05,331 I'm bulletproof, baby! Yeah! 1876 01:31:05,331 --> 01:31:07,000 Come on! Yeah! 1877 01:31:07,000 --> 01:31:11,171 ["More Human Than Human (Meet Bambi in the King's Harem Remix)" playing] 1878 01:31:11,905 --> 01:31:13,907 Suck my ****, Captain America. 1879 01:31:19,546 --> 01:31:20,547 Machina! 1880 01:31:37,530 --> 01:31:39,399 What are you gonna do with a stick? Come on. 1881 01:31:39,399 --> 01:31:42,669 ♪ More human than human... ♪ 1882 01:31:42,669 --> 01:31:44,204 I got your stick now. 1883 01:31:52,879 --> 01:31:54,114 Oh! 1884 01:31:58,840 --> 01:31:58,952 Not too bad. 1885 01:31:58,952 --> 01:32:00,253 Oh! [laughing] 1886 01:32:05,625 --> 01:32:07,360 - [speaks in Russian] - Dad, put your hands down. 1887 01:32:07,360 --> 01:32:09,290 Get down now! Come on! 1888 01:32:09,290 --> 01:32:11,364 God, I'm so strong! 1889 01:32:11,364 --> 01:32:12,432 [yells] 1890 01:32:13,400 --> 01:32:14,968 Here we go. Dad, Dad. Down, down. 1891 01:32:16,636 --> 01:32:18,710 Help me **** up Lenin. 1892 01:32:18,710 --> 01:32:19,239 - Let's do it. - Come on! 1893 01:32:19,239 --> 01:32:20,774 [Bert yelling] 1894 01:32:27,113 --> 01:32:28,982 - Oh! - [Albert] Oh! [laughs] 1895 01:32:28,982 --> 01:32:30,717 Take that, communist! 1896 01:32:30,717 --> 01:32:32,786 Hey. Eagle Scout. 1897 01:32:33,319 --> 01:32:35,822 We have a rematch. 1898 01:32:42,429 --> 01:32:44,164 - Hammer, Dad. - Here. 1899 01:32:49,102 --> 01:32:51,404 ♪ More human than human ♪ 1900 01:32:51,404 --> 01:32:53,740 Oh, titty boy. 1901 01:32:53,740 --> 01:32:54,808 [Sponge laughs] 1902 01:32:57,577 --> 01:32:58,978 [Albert] I got you, son! 1903 01:33:00,847 --> 01:33:03,116 Dad! Dad! 1904 01:33:03,116 --> 01:33:05,180 Sorry, old man. 1905 01:33:13,259 --> 01:33:14,794 Absorb that, Sponge. 1906 01:33:14,794 --> 01:33:16,463 [laughs] 1907 01:33:16,463 --> 01:33:18,865 Oh, shit. Dad. Get off! 1908 01:33:18,865 --> 01:33:20,633 Are you okay? You okay? 1909 01:33:20,633 --> 01:33:23,370 I-- I saved you. 1910 01:33:23,970 --> 01:33:25,105 Yeah, you did. 1911 01:33:25,105 --> 01:33:26,373 [gunshot] 1912 01:33:26,373 --> 01:33:27,307 Oh, shit. 1913 01:33:27,307 --> 01:33:30,543 Come here! Come on, Dad, let's walk. Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see. 1914 01:33:31,378 --> 01:33:34,214 - [gun cocks] - You... are nothing... 1915 01:33:38,284 --> 01:33:42,355 but an ignorant, fat American who has no respect. 1916 01:33:42,355 --> 01:33:45,191 Our father earned our respect. 1917 01:33:45,191 --> 01:33:48,194 [pensive classical music playing] 1918 01:33:48,828 --> 01:33:50,130 Your father... 1919 01:33:51,131 --> 01:33:52,565 sells carpets. 1920 01:33:54,167 --> 01:33:58,972 I think I will make him watch you die, Machine. 1921 01:34:01,675 --> 01:34:03,176 My name's not Machine. 1922 01:34:07,547 --> 01:34:10,750 My name is Albert Charles Kreischer III, 1923 01:34:10,750 --> 01:34:13,386 son to Albert Charles Kreischer Jr., 1924 01:34:13,386 --> 01:34:16,356 owner and operator of Kreischer Karpets, 1925 01:34:16,356 --> 01:34:19,693 the best goddamn carpets you can find in Southwest Florida! 1926 01:34:19,693 --> 01:34:22,262 Three convenient locations. 1927 01:34:22,262 --> 01:34:23,863 [Albert] Tell him, Dad! 1928 01:34:23,863 --> 01:34:27,167 And if I ever see your albino-looking *** again, 1929 01:34:27,167 --> 01:34:28,868 I'm gonna whip it quick as a *****. 1930 01:34:28,868 --> 01:34:31,271 And last, but surely not least, 1931 01:34:31,271 --> 01:34:33,540 I'm gonna need that knife back. That's a family heirloom. 1932 01:34:34,107 --> 01:34:35,410 Hm. 1933 01:34:36,109 --> 01:34:38,278 - You want knife? - Oh, yeah. 1934 01:34:38,278 --> 01:34:41,114 [suspenseful music playing] 1935 01:34:41,114 --> 01:34:43,183 Oh, I wouldn't-- I wouldn't do it that way, though. 1936 01:34:43,183 --> 01:34:44,840 [Alexei grunts] 1937 01:34:44,840 --> 01:34:45,251 [Bert] Uh-oh. 1938 01:34:47,870 --> 01:34:49,756 I would have someone help you. Oh, God. It's-- 1939 01:34:49,756 --> 01:34:52,592 Oh, my Jesus. That's how Steve Irwin died. 1940 01:35:00,467 --> 01:35:03,203 Oh, my God. 1941 01:35:04,137 --> 01:35:06,940 You work out every day? That's-- Looks like an everyday thing. 1942 01:35:06,940 --> 01:35:09,242 - Enough talk. - All right, yep. 1943 01:35:09,242 --> 01:35:10,377 [knuckles crack] 1944 01:35:11,444 --> 01:35:13,246 Oh. So now's when we bang, huh? 1945 01:35:13,246 --> 01:35:14,214 [speaks in Russian] 1946 01:35:14,214 --> 01:35:17,283 [dramatic music playing] 1947 01:35:34,234 --> 01:35:36,770 - [gasping] - [Alexei groans] 1948 01:35:46,279 --> 01:35:48,648 [groans] 1949 01:35:50,316 --> 01:35:52,252 - [grunting] - [shoulder pops] 1950 01:35:56,220 --> 01:35:57,323 [Bert] Okay, here we go. 1951 01:35:59,793 --> 01:36:02,796 [dramatic music playing] 1952 01:36:07,000 --> 01:36:08,601 So you can fight. 1953 01:36:09,369 --> 01:36:10,670 I went to Florida State. 1954 01:36:11,304 --> 01:36:13,673 All we know how to do is fight, ****, and drink. 1955 01:36:14,274 --> 01:36:15,942 And I can't **** worth shit. 1956 01:36:41,468 --> 01:36:43,536 Oh. I just got that crown. 1957 01:36:50,977 --> 01:36:53,413 Would you like to know why I hate you, Machine? 1958 01:36:53,413 --> 01:36:55,348 Oh, I'm dying to know. 1959 01:36:55,348 --> 01:37:00,200 All my life, men were measured against your stupid legend. 1960 01:37:02,322 --> 01:37:03,690 "The best." 1961 01:37:04,657 --> 01:37:06,920 "The man's man." 1962 01:37:06,726 --> 01:37:08,161 I say, **** that! 1963 01:37:09,529 --> 01:37:11,765 So I worked to make myself better than you. 1964 01:37:12,499 --> 01:37:14,200 Stronger than you. 1965 01:37:14,200 --> 01:37:16,690 Look at you now, Machine. 1966 01:37:16,690 --> 01:37:17,570 You are nothing. 1967 01:37:20,407 --> 01:37:22,750 [Irina chuckles] 1968 01:37:22,750 --> 01:37:24,744 So dramatic, Alexei. 1969 01:37:24,744 --> 01:37:26,746 All these ****ing speeches. 1970 01:37:30,917 --> 01:37:31,918 Irina. 1971 01:37:31,918 --> 01:37:35,922 Typical macho bullshit. 1972 01:37:37,791 --> 01:37:40,593 - Oh, Dad! - Whoa, whoa, my arm! 1973 01:37:40,593 --> 01:37:42,929 - Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. - Son... 1974 01:37:43,863 --> 01:37:45,865 you didn't show fear. 1975 01:37:45,865 --> 01:37:48,134 [vehicles approaching] 1976 01:37:48,134 --> 01:37:49,969 [dramatic music playing] 1977 01:38:06,219 --> 01:38:08,655 [guns cocking] 1978 01:38:12,920 --> 01:38:13,590 [man in Russian] Enough! 1979 01:38:27,307 --> 01:38:30,110 Is this how I raised you? 1980 01:38:38,685 --> 01:38:39,919 Your watch, Papa. 1981 01:38:46,593 --> 01:38:49,429 [playing pensive classical music] 1982 01:38:49,429 --> 01:38:51,798 I brought it here to return it to you. 1983 01:38:59,472 --> 01:39:00,607 So... 1984 01:39:04,310 --> 01:39:06,379 it's clear that I have won. 1985 01:39:07,147 --> 01:39:08,148 [laughs] 1986 01:39:08,715 --> 01:39:12,619 [in English] Oh, Irina. My beautiful daughter. 1987 01:39:13,319 --> 01:39:15,522 You want to take over? 1988 01:39:15,522 --> 01:39:18,692 You cannot even kill brother. 1989 01:39:18,692 --> 01:39:21,828 You become friends with idiot. 1990 01:39:22,462 --> 01:39:24,998 I would never give this to you. 1991 01:39:26,466 --> 01:39:28,702 Actually, can I step in for a second? 1992 01:39:29,969 --> 01:39:32,672 I think you guys should talk it out. Now, me and my dad... 1993 01:39:33,640 --> 01:39:35,909 - This is Russia. - Okay, okay. 1994 01:39:35,909 --> 01:39:39,679 We don't do your weak, America, lovey-huggy shit. 1995 01:39:39,679 --> 01:39:40,747 [speaks in Russian] 1996 01:39:41,815 --> 01:39:45,251 [in English] Hugs are for pussies. 1997 01:39:45,852 --> 01:39:47,387 Well, that explains a lot. 1998 01:39:47,387 --> 01:39:50,490 [tense music playing] 1999 01:39:51,491 --> 01:39:54,361 Alexei understands. 2000 01:39:55,428 --> 01:39:58,531 It is why he will run family. 2001 01:39:59,332 --> 01:40:00,834 You are weak. 2002 01:40:00,834 --> 01:40:03,690 A leader must be a wolf. 2003 01:40:04,838 --> 01:40:07,874 Kill or be killed. 2004 01:40:07,874 --> 01:40:09,876 If you do not like it, 2005 01:40:11,244 --> 01:40:13,580 take it up with God. 2006 01:40:15,582 --> 01:40:17,500 But you first. 2007 01:40:18,218 --> 01:40:20,587 [music intensifies] 2008 01:40:38,738 --> 01:40:40,607 [music crescendos] 2009 01:40:40,607 --> 01:40:42,409 Did I do that? 2010 01:40:45,780 --> 01:40:48,782 [whimpers] I am definitely watching Family Matters when we get home. 2011 01:40:48,782 --> 01:40:51,885 [dramatic music playing] 2012 01:41:11,471 --> 01:41:13,273 Look at that! Look at that! Look at that! 2013 01:41:15,241 --> 01:41:18,411 Irina, we can work together. 2014 01:41:18,411 --> 01:41:19,612 I am your brother. 2015 01:41:19,612 --> 01:41:21,114 Shut the **** up! 2016 01:41:26,186 --> 01:41:28,521 Take him to our family dacha while I decide 2017 01:41:28,521 --> 01:41:31,257 which part of him to cut off for his insolence. 2018 01:41:31,257 --> 01:41:32,525 [speaks in Russian] 2019 01:41:32,525 --> 01:41:34,761 **** you, *****. This is Russia. 2020 01:41:34,761 --> 01:41:38,331 - [Bert laughing] - Machine, I will kill you someday! 2021 01:41:38,331 --> 01:41:40,300 - I don't think so. - [Alexei] I will come for you! 2022 01:41:40,300 --> 01:41:42,369 - I don't know about that. - Machine! 2023 01:41:42,369 --> 01:41:44,537 - I can't hear you. - I will come for you! 2024 01:41:44,537 --> 01:41:47,700 Whoo! Go, me! Right? 2025 01:41:47,700 --> 01:41:48,174 That was awesome! 2026 01:41:48,174 --> 01:41:50,210 Thank you, Bert. You inspired me. 2027 01:41:50,210 --> 01:41:51,144 Wait, how? 2028 01:41:51,144 --> 01:41:53,513 When you said you're going to kill your dad at Igor's house. 2029 01:41:53,513 --> 01:41:56,716 - You said you were gonna kill me? - Well, yeah. You kicked me off a train. 2030 01:41:56,716 --> 01:41:59,319 Now go, before police shows up. 2031 01:41:59,886 --> 01:42:00,987 - And, Bert. - Yeah? 2032 01:42:00,987 --> 01:42:02,522 Your daughter is sweet. 2033 01:42:02,522 --> 01:42:05,158 My DJ friend tells me she's a good girl. 2034 01:42:05,158 --> 01:42:08,128 - Some drugs. But smoke, not snort. - Okay. 2035 01:42:08,128 --> 01:42:09,863 - Good girl. - Yeah. 2036 01:42:09,863 --> 01:42:11,965 [Irina speaks in Russian] 2037 01:42:15,468 --> 01:42:16,669 [in English] You're a good dad. 2038 01:42:16,669 --> 01:42:18,400 Keep it up. 2039 01:42:18,538 --> 01:42:21,708 Or else your daughter may kill you. [laughs] 2040 01:42:21,708 --> 01:42:23,877 [laughs nervously] Oh... 2041 01:42:25,345 --> 01:42:26,413 Thanks, Irina. 2042 01:42:27,847 --> 01:42:29,516 See you around, ***** boy. 2043 01:42:31,584 --> 01:42:34,587 [hopeful music playing] 2044 01:42:48,680 --> 01:42:50,370 [Sasha] Hey, deuces. Bye. 2045 01:42:50,370 --> 01:42:51,438 Bye, girl. 2046 01:42:55,208 --> 01:42:57,430 - Dad? - [Bert] Keep it, sir. Thank you. 2047 01:42:57,430 --> 01:42:59,612 - Dad, look. Mom said that... - Oh, my gosh! 2048 01:42:59,612 --> 01:43:01,348 - There she is! Come here! - What? 2049 01:43:01,348 --> 01:43:02,949 Oh, my God, I love you. 2050 01:43:02,949 --> 01:43:05,952 I am so sorry. You are a fantastic kid. 2051 01:43:07,253 --> 01:43:10,560 No, look. I'm really sorry. I was really mean at the party. 2052 01:43:11,124 --> 01:43:13,460 Look at us. We're apologizing. 2053 01:43:13,460 --> 01:43:15,395 I should be kidnapped to Russia once a year 2054 01:43:15,395 --> 01:43:17,897 - just to make this happen, right? - What? 2055 01:43:17,897 --> 01:43:19,466 Oh, there's the smile. 2056 01:43:19,466 --> 01:43:21,768 You did that smile when you were a little girl. 2057 01:43:21,768 --> 01:43:23,570 You're still my little girl. 2058 01:43:24,971 --> 01:43:26,906 Oh! And there's my woman. 2059 01:43:26,906 --> 01:43:29,943 Oh, well, well. It's nice to see you two back. 2060 01:43:29,943 --> 01:43:32,412 I hope you worked out your shit finally be-- 2061 01:43:34,781 --> 01:43:35,782 Wow. 2062 01:43:36,783 --> 01:43:37,917 The **** are you wearing? 2063 01:43:37,917 --> 01:43:41,870 - Oh, my God, what is that smell? - Okay, these are clothes. 2064 01:43:41,870 --> 01:43:42,622 I do not know what that smell is. 2065 01:43:42,622 --> 01:43:44,224 - Did you go to Vegas? - I did not go to Vegas. 2066 01:43:44,224 --> 01:43:46,192 - Where's your dad? - Dad's in Florida. 2067 01:43:46,192 --> 01:43:48,728 He's got a doctor buddy he plays golf with who doesn't ask any questions. 2068 01:43:48,728 --> 01:43:50,530 We could all use one of those, right, guys? Am I kidding? 2069 01:43:50,530 --> 01:43:53,133 - Dad! Hey! - Oh, there she is! 2070 01:43:53,133 --> 01:43:54,601 From the top rope! 2071 01:43:54,601 --> 01:43:56,369 Oh, my gosh! 2072 01:43:56,369 --> 01:43:58,271 Oh, I love you! My favorite daughter! 2073 01:43:58,271 --> 01:43:59,973 - Just kidding. I'm not kidding. - Hey. 2074 01:43:59,973 --> 01:44:02,208 I can't wait till you get kidnapped. 2075 01:44:03,376 --> 01:44:05,578 - What? - Guys, Dad's back! 2076 01:44:05,578 --> 01:44:07,781 Dad's back! It's old-school Dad! 2077 01:44:07,781 --> 01:44:09,115 [therapist] How was your week? 2078 01:44:09,649 --> 01:44:11,751 Oof. Complicated. 2079 01:44:11,751 --> 01:44:14,954 Dear Ashley, are you still hot? I'm not. 2080 01:44:14,954 --> 01:44:17,123 I don't expect you to forgive me, 2081 01:44:17,123 --> 01:44:19,426 but I wanted to keep my promise. 2082 01:44:19,426 --> 01:44:22,128 Gifts are an important aspect of Russian life. 2083 01:44:22,128 --> 01:44:24,130 So are apologies. 2084 01:44:24,130 --> 01:44:25,665 This is mine. 2085 01:44:26,399 --> 01:44:29,135 Last week, the subject of your father came up, 2086 01:44:29,135 --> 01:44:31,137 and I thought we could explore that. 2087 01:44:34,240 --> 01:44:35,809 - I'm just saying. - I don't want to hear it again. 2088 01:44:35,809 --> 01:44:37,477 Please put that down the memory hole. 2089 01:44:37,477 --> 01:44:38,712 I can't, Dad. 2090 01:44:38,712 --> 01:44:41,470 Since when do you have such a razor-sharp memory? 2091 01:44:41,470 --> 01:44:41,948 What happened-- 2092 01:44:41,948 --> 01:44:44,417 When you say things like, "Your mom is a missionary woman." 2093 01:44:44,417 --> 01:44:45,618 [Albert] Oh, no! 2094 01:44:45,618 --> 01:44:47,454 Nah, we're good. 2095 01:44:48,154 --> 01:44:49,155 You and your father? 2096 01:44:49,155 --> 01:44:51,825 Yeah. We're thick as thieves. Butch and Sundance. 2097 01:44:51,825 --> 01:44:52,926 - Really? - Yeah. 2098 01:44:53,960 --> 01:44:57,330 Well, if you don't mind, can I ask how that resolved itself? 2099 01:44:57,330 --> 01:44:59,499 You can ask, but I don't think you're gonna believe me. 2100 01:44:59,499 --> 01:45:01,167 Well, humor me. 2101 01:45:02,335 --> 01:45:03,336 Hm... 2102 01:45:04,804 --> 01:45:05,805 All right. 2103 01:45:06,973 --> 01:45:09,609 When I was 48 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia. 2104 01:45:09,609 --> 01:45:10,844 Here's how it happened. 2105 01:45:10,844 --> 01:45:11,945 ["Father of Mine" playing] 2106 01:45:11,945 --> 01:45:16,516 ♪ Father of mine Tell me where have you been ♪ 2107 01:45:16,516 --> 01:45:21,788 ♪ You know I just closed my eyes My whole world disappeared ♪ 2108 01:45:21,788 --> 01:45:26,426 ♪ Father of mine Take me back to the day ♪ 2109 01:45:26,426 --> 01:45:31,431 ♪ Yeah, when I was still your golden boy Back before you went away ♪ 2110 01:45:31,431 --> 01:45:36,369 ♪ I remember blue skies Walking the block ♪ 2111 01:45:36,369 --> 01:45:41,274 ♪ I loved it when you held me high I loved to hear you talk ♪ 2112 01:45:41,274 --> 01:45:46,212 ♪ You would take me to the movies You would take me to the beach ♪ 2113 01:45:46,212 --> 01:45:51,510 ♪ You would take me to a place inside That is so hard to reach ♪ 2114 01:46:00,393 --> 01:46:01,628 What's up, Florida? 2115 01:46:01,628 --> 01:46:02,996 It's your boy, Bert Kreischer. 2116 01:46:02,996 --> 01:46:04,531 The Machine. 2117 01:46:04,531 --> 01:46:05,999 I love three things: 2118 01:46:05,999 --> 01:46:07,467 - Having a great time... - [man] Yeah! 2119 01:46:07,467 --> 01:46:09,302 ...making sure other people have a great time, 2120 01:46:09,302 --> 01:46:10,470 and quality carpets 2121 01:46:10,470 --> 01:46:12,739 - delivered at a reasonable price. - [man] Oh, yeah! 2122 01:46:12,739 --> 01:46:14,808 That's why, if you're looking for some acrylic, 2123 01:46:14,808 --> 01:46:18,780 wool, plush, saxony, or level loop... 2124 01:46:18,780 --> 01:46:19,679 None of that nylon shit. 2125 01:46:19,679 --> 01:46:22,150 ...you need to find your way to a Kreischer Karpets. 2126 01:46:22,150 --> 01:46:24,417 It's my dad's business, and he's right here. 2127 01:46:24,417 --> 01:46:25,685 Say hi, Dad. 2128 01:46:26,386 --> 01:46:29,389 Hey, son. You can't say a swear on TV. 2129 01:46:29,389 --> 01:46:32,258 The best goddamn carpets in Southwest Florida. 2130 01:46:32,258 --> 01:46:35,428 That's Kreischer Karpets, spelled weirdly with a K. 2131 01:46:35,428 --> 01:46:36,596 Take it off, Dad. 2132 01:46:37,397 --> 01:46:38,732 Okay, fine. 2133 01:46:42,102 --> 01:46:45,380 Did we mention we have three convenient locations? 2134 01:46:47,607 --> 01:46:50,610 [pensive classical music playing] 2135 01:47:50,770 --> 01:47:53,773 [dramatic music playing]