♪♪
[song playing faintly from the backroom]
[door opening, chime dinging]
[bell ringing]
[man panting]
[man] Hi, there.
[exhales] Hey.
[owner] You know you've got a fair amount of blood on you there, sir.
Oh. Huh.
[chuckles]
Yeah, it's not even mine. It was just this...
[sighs]
Never mind.
Hey, listen, I need you to take this thing off my hands,
just make it someone else's problem, you know?
I mean, I thought my boys were gonna love it, but, uh...
Let me tell you, man, they will not.
No, it's not, uh... a toy,
so just don't ever call it that.
It's a, uh...
It's...
Actually, I don't know exactly what it is.
Besides, it appears to be broken.
See, the drumstick seems to be stuck in the up position.
You do not want the goddamn drumstick to come down.
Okay?
Because when it does,
I promise you, we are all ****ed to hell.
Okay?
[circus music, drumming]
Woah... Oh...
Okay...
[circus music and drumming continue]
[circus music and drumming stop]
[Italian song playing softly from backroom]
Well, sir, can't speak for you,
but, heh, I don't feel especially ****ed to hell.
[dramatic tone]
[whirring]
[heavy thump]
[ominous music rising]
Hot dog.
[distorted backroom music]
Who's smiling now, you infernal son of a *****?
[dramatic music]
[screaming]
YEAH!
[screaming halts]
[Hal] I don't know if every father
passes some secret horror onto his kids.
But mine sure did.
["Let the Good Times Roll" by Shirley and Lee starts]
♪ Come on, baby, while the thrill is on ♪
♪ Come on, baby, let's have some fun ♪
♪ Come on, baby, let the good times roll ♪
♪ Roll all night long ♪
My name is Hal Shelborn.
This is me and my twin brother, Bill.
Well, this is us before everything.
Bill was the kind of kid who would say, "shake on it,"
but then pull his hand back and pretend to slick his hair.
He was older than me by three minutes
and ate most of my mom's placenta.
So that made him my "big" brother.
A role he took seriously.
And he treated me like shit whenever he got the chance.
[Young Bill] I've been meaning to tell you...
Mom says she hates you because you made dad leave,
and now she has to go on dates.
[Hal] But I managed to love him anyway,
even if I did sometimes fantasize
about being an only child.
[Young Hal] I hate you, Bill Shelborn.
[squishing sound]
[slow jazz music]
[Hal] My mom raised us on her own
for as long as she could, at least.
And my mom,
well, I can remember her perfectly,
like it was yesterday.
[Lois] Your father...
Well, your father went out for a pack of cigarettes
and never came back.
[Lois tsks]
[Lois] Just made like an egg and...
scrambled.
And sure, sure,
I could have been one of his stewardesses, but,
of course, the deadbeat never took me anywhere.
He just brought back
Swiss cuckoo clocks and bonsai trees.
[Lois] Knick-knacks and souvenirs
to stuff our closet full.
And one day, my darling boys,
all that horse shit will be yours.
[Hal] We knew my mom thought it was a bunch of junk.
But for Bill and me,
Dad's closet was full of clues to who he was.
There she is.
Old deadbeat's disguise.
[mysterious melody]
The hell's that thing from?
Paris, France or something?
It says, "Organ Grinder Monkey."
"Like Life."
You mean "lifelike," dumbshit.
No.
[Young Hal] What?
[Young Bill] Give me that thing.
Here.
[ominous tone]
You think this does junk if I turn this?
Don't, Bill. It's Dad's.
Dad's gone, ****face.
And I'm his next of "skin,"
so legally, everything in here's mine.
[key winding clicks]
[whirring]
[gasps]
[clicking]
[whirring]
[whirring stops]
Stupid thing's broken anyway.
Don't come in our room, dumbshit.
Shotgun, obviously.
Christ, what's worse than a blind date?
I'd rather take my chances
and kiss a goddamn frog and see what happens.
Okay, boys!
[Lois] Uh, no soda after you brush your teeth,
and no fires,
and no video games because of the last fire.
[Annie] I tried to tell them no fires,
but these boys are nothing but willish.
[Lois] Thank you, babysitter Annie.
I'll be home by midnight.
[sinister music]
[sighs] Okay, boys,
I've got only one rule for tonight.
Keep your hands off the hot parts of the table.
Okay?
I'll try, but...
I'm just a man.
Bill, knock it off.
[lively music]
[knives clanking]
[ominous music]
[muffled conversations]
[ominous music]
[lively music]
[circus music and drumming]
[distant circus music]
[circus music and drumming continue]
[circus music and drumming end]
[faint squishing]
[patrons screaming]
Holy sh--
[church organ]
[Hal] Maybe an experience like that
could have brought me and Bill closer.
But it turned out one freak tragedy
wasn't going to be nearly enough.
****.
How is her head still together?
[whispering] Sh. Sh. Sh.
Don't think about it too much.
[priest] Oh, ****.
Uuuuhhh...
Oh, yeah.
Today, we are here with Annie Wilkes.
Gone by accident...
rather, in an accident
because, you know, there's no accidents.
Um... Is there a divine plan?
Sure, you know, uh, maybe.
Call it a coin toss, you know, heads or tails, heh.
But not Annie's head
because that is,
uh, separate.
That's a separate issue. Uh...
Uh... You know, why her, though, right?
Why Annie?
Why not you?
Or you?
[inaudible]
Everything for a reason, yeah, totally.
And it is what it is.
Uuuhhh...
It is what it is.
The word of the Lord.
[all] Amen.
Everything is an accident.
Or nothing is an accident.
Either way, same thing.
It's not if or even how.
It's only when.
Everybody dies.
And that's life.
I'll die.
And you will both die.
And all of your friends and their parents
and all of their pets and everybody.
Some of us peacefully in our sleep.
And some of us horribly...
violently, tied up with a clothesline,
and screaming through duct tape over our mouths
and all that jazz.
[somber music]
And to hell with it.
Come on, let's go dancing.
["Rip It Up" by Little Richard plays ]
♪ Well, it's Saturday night and I just got paid ♪
♪ Fool about my money, don't try to save ♪
♪ My heart say "Go go, have a time" ♪
♪ 'Cause Saturday night and I'm feel fine ♪
♪ I'm gonna rock it up ♪
♪♪
♪ I'm gonna rip it up ♪
♪♪
♪ I'm gonna shake it up ♪
♪♪
♪ Gonna ball it up ♪
♪ I'm gonna rock it up And ball tonight ♪
♪♪
♪ Got me a date and I won't be late... ♪
[Hal] It might have been on the day of a funeral,
but that probably was the happiest day of my life.
[school bell ringing]
It's funny how quickly that can change.
[Florence] Hey, kid.
Your brother says your dad left your mom.
Lit out to Paris, France to buy cigarettes
'cause you're a big fat baby who cried all the time.
[Pepper] And man, don't your mom deserve better?
I mean, don't she?
-Um... -[Florence] I guess that means
your mom would be wearing the pants in the house now, huh?
I think that's how it works, yeah.
[Pepper] Aw, but...
see, you're wearing pants.
And two people can't be wearing
the pants in the house at the same time.
So, looks like you got yourself a bit of a pants problem, kid.
[sighs]
[Lois] Honey, I'm making PB&J.
[Lois, from the kitchen] Oh, and how am I?
Oh, I'm great! I love slaving over my two sons all day long.
[sighs]
[dramatic music rising]
-[music stops] -Mom!
[Lois] Yeah?
Why'd you put Dad's weird monkey in our room?
You know I don't go in there anymore
since I found that stiff sock.
Oh, yeah.
[ominous music rising]
[suspenseful music]
You didn't have anything to do
with my babysitter's head, right?
[laughs] Idiot.
Yo, Mrs. Torrance!
Hal Shelborn's jerking his monkey under his desk!
[whole class laughing]
[laughter echoing, tense music]
[inaudible conversations]
[tense music rising]
Honey, I'm making devil's food.
I don't ****ing want any!
Language!
[footsteps pounding down stairs]
[Lois] What are you, a sailor in a shipyard?
[dramatic music]
You.
[huffing]
It's because of you that deadbeat Bill this to me.
[rapid breathing]
You know who I'm talking about, don't you?
That ***hole kid who lives in here with me...
that's Bill.
You wanna know something else?
I wish Bill was dead.
[winding clicks]
[rapid whirring]
[click]
[whirring]
[whirring stops]
Hey, Mom, you home?
Is dinner ready?
Mom?
[circus music and drumming]
Mom?
You're not even making it yet?
[Lois groans]
[circus music and drumming continue]
[circus music and drumming stop]
[raspy groans]
[guttural sigh]
What the ****?!
[tense music rising]
[Young Hal] Oh, shit.
-[loud pop] -[Young Bill] MOMMY!
[church organ]
[Hal] The doctors called what happened to my mom
a boomerang aneurysm.
But I was the only one who knew what it really was.
They said chances of it happening
were one in 44 million.
And that's just another way to say
it has to happen to somebody.
And that's how it works.
You turn the key and the drumsticks go up.
They come down again when it chooses
who it wants to kill next.
It kills who it wants when it feels like it.
And it doesn't owe you an explanation.
It doesn't take requests.
It's true what it says on the box.
It's just like life.
[priest] Uh... son,
-perhaps it's best if you-- -Shut up!
[organ stops playing]
Hey, Mom!
Mom, wake up!
[soft sigh]
Mom?
[Young Bill chuckles]
Mom, that's a funny joke!
MOM!
Wake up.
[sad music]
Okay, you can keep talking.
Oh...
[Uncle Chip sighing deeply]
[Chip] You know, your Aunt Ida and your Uncle Chip...
never wanted kids.
Nah.
Always just kind of preferred a life where you sit down
and you don't stand up again until you want to.
Also, we're swingers, but...
Oh, well.
[sighs]
And I want you to know
we're gonna do our very best with you boys.
It's just that our very best might be...
pretty bad.
[unsettling music]
[ominous music]
Oh... oh, ****.
[heavy breathing]
-****! -[squelching]
[ominous music]
What the ****?
[squelching]
[tense music]
****.
[ominous drumming]
-[Hal grunting] -[drumming]
[tense music rising]
[squelching]
[heavy breathing]
[knife clank]
[Hak] I put the pieces in a garbage bag
and made sure it got on a garbage truck.
And I assumed that would be the end of it.
["I Shall Be Released" by Nina Simone]
But after that,
Bill and I were never the same.
I mean, we looked the same because we were twins,
and, well, you know what I mean.
Aunt Ida and Uncle Chip picked up Bill and me
and moved us to Maine.
And I guess I hoped we'd left the worst of it behind us.
♪ They say everything can be replaced ♪
♪ They say every distance is not near ♪
♪ So I remember every face ♪
♪ Of every man who put me here ♪
[song playing softly in background]
You going to take off your suit, Bill?
If I take it off, then I'll have to put it back on
as soon as there's another funeral.
But if I don't take it off,
then I won't have to put it back on.
So there won't be any more funerals.
[climbing footsteps]
[light panting]
[Ida] Sleep tight, you two.
[spring pops out]
♪ I shall be ♪
♪ Released ♪
[muffled TV show]
Here comes trouble, here it comes!
[faint crackling]
[porch light crackling]
[insects chirping]
[ominous music slowly rising]
[ominous music]
[unsettling music]
[Young Bill] Why the hell did you bring it?
I didn't. I chopped it up.
Don't look chopped up to me.
I'm telling you, Bill,
it's a bad monkey.
It's a bad, magic, killer monkey.
You think it killed Babysitter Annie?
Maybe. Probably. I--I don't know.
I was going to marry that girl.
I know you were, Bill.
We should try it on purpose to see if anyone else we know dies.
No, we shouldn't. I mean, what if it gets one of us?
Then I promise to pretend to be sad when you're dead.
Yeah, me too.
You think it could kill the person who turns the key or not?
How the hell should I know?
Do you think Mom turned it?
[somber music]
I'm gonna try it.
Don't, Bill--
[church organ]
[Hal] It was a hunting accident, but not the usual kind.
Uncle Chip was trampled by a stampede of 67 wild horses
in his sleeping bag on a camping trip.
[horses neighing]
I overheard the undertaker say that,
[Young Bill] I don't mind much that Uncle Chip's gone.
He was kind of an ***hole.
I just mind more that I feel pretty good it wasn't me.
But it's got to be done, you know?
To keep it away from the people
who might feel really good about using it,
like the Nazis and Russians
and "Iran-qis" and whatnot.
[Hal] We knew that it couldn't be destroyed,
so we hoped that we could maybe contain it.
Just get rid of it.
[chain rattling]
Make it go the **** away.
[sinister music]
And for a long time, anyway,
it really seemed like it had.
[insects chirping]
[creaking]
[circus music playing in the distance]
[soft gasp]
[bubbling]
[circus music continues in distance]
[ominous music rising]
[circus music continues]
[circus music stops]
[ominous music]
[soft rattling]
[pull chain clicks]
[light bulb buzzing]
[light clicks]
[creaking]
[stair cracks]
[dramatic tone]
[shrill shriek]
[ragged breathing]
Ah!
[whimpering]
[sharp inhale, exhale]
[unsettling music]
[gas leaking]
[sniffing]
[gas leaking]
[range knob clicks]
[screaming]
[dramatic music]
[faint screaming]
[insects chirping]
[screaming]
♪♪
[squelching]
[Hal] I haven't seen the monkey since we threw it down the well,
but it feels like only a matter of time before it comes back.
[muzak]
This is me today.
I pretty much lost all contact with Bill,
and I'm good with that.
He was kind of an ***hole anyways.
I don't have any friends,
and I do my best to stay away from family
for fear that if the monkey returns,
it'll kill someone close to me.
But staying away from family,
[man] Excuse me!
...that's easier said than done.
[woman] Well, **** your mother!
Hey, Dwayne.
-[Dwayne] Oh, man! Come in, come in.
Oh no, it's cool.
I gotta run early today. I gotta pick up my kid.
Wait, you got a kid?
Shit, man, that sucks.
Does it live with you?
Uh, no, no he doesn't,
but I get to see him once a year,
so I'm taking him to Horror Heaven.
Yeah.
Roller coasters, I guess.
Once a year?
Shit, man, that sucks.
I bet your ex-wife's some type of mega *****, huh?
Huh?
Oh! No, the once-a-year thing, that was my idea.
It turns out I'm kind of a bad influence, you know.
"Here comes trouble."
Who, you?
It's not like, you know,
I beheld a pale horse, and on it was a pale rider,
and the rider's name was, you know, Death.
But, uh...
Yeah, there has been some death.
Shit, man, that sucks.
[country rock music playing on radio]
Pff! Jet skis, come on. Douchebag.
[sighs]
[deep breath]
"Love... Hal."
****.
[deep inhale, exhale]
[Ted] Feel that parental energy...
transferred from you to me.
[Ted chuckling]
[loud kissing sound] [Ted chuckling]
Petey's been asking about you more and more, Hal.
And it's breaking our hearts.
About me?
What about me? Why?
[Petey's Mom] Because you're his father.
And he's doing a family tree school project.
And like it or not, you're one of the branches.
Look, I--
[sighs] I care about Petey.
I do. Like, I...
[Hal] I care about him a lot, like, a lot, lot.
Just now, when we were on the couch together,
I took your power.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I never said you could take my power.
It doesn't matter anymore.
Ted has decided
-to legally adopt Petey. -What?
[Petey's Mom] And once the adoption's finalized...
it won't be necessary for you to see Petey at all.
But you can't just do that.
He can't just do that.
[Ted] As the leading expert in my field,
can't I?
Listen, you and Petey have this time.
So just take the week,
lock in some nice memories,
and then cleanly cut it off.
Like a vestigial tail.
That's what you want. Isn't it?
No. It's not what I want.
I want to spend time with Petey. It's just, you know...
[sighs] Vestigial?
It means something that has become functionless,
and as a result, is no longer necessary.
-I know what it means, Ted. -I'm sure you do.
-I do. -Well, I have your power, so...
Well, I peed in one of your bushes on the way in, so...
Well, this is the part where I suggest that we arm wrestle.
What? Arm wrestle for what?
For all the marbles.
And by marbles, I am, of course, referring to your little balls.
-My-- -Hey.
[Petey's Mom] Honey...
Oh, Petey. Hey.
Hey, buddy.
What are you guys talking about?
[crow croaking]
[wind blowing]
[crow croaking]
[muffled conversations]
[wind blowing]
[ominous tone]
[grunts]
[crow croaking]
[unsettling music]
[inaudible]
[Trasher's Mom] What do you mean,
it reminds you of your dad?
[soft music playing in the background]
You talking about the shit-eating grin
or the hairy back and arms?
[parrot squawking]
[Trasher] Do you ever wonder where he is?
Dad, I mean.
Baby, that ain't worth it.
But if you're really looking for an answer,
I'd have to go with either...
at a card table or under a hooker.
[Trasher] Oh, sick, Ma. Come on.
Gross.
[parrot squawking]
Hey, Beauchamps, honey,
you want a drag?
[exhales deeply]
But are you still thinking of selling that monkey thing
to the nut who never leaves his house?
I mean, have you ever even met this guy face to face?
Sounds like a real ****ing pervert to me.
[thunder growling]
So, do you have any brothers or sisters?
Is that your family tree thing?
What gave it away?
Okay.
So, um...
brothers, sisters?
Yes, no?
Uh... no.
No to both?
Yeah, no, neither.
Only child... just like me.
[Petey scribbling]
And, uh, what's your mom's name?
Um...
Lois.
My mom's name was...
Lois.
[deep inhale]
Hey, uh... Oof.
It's getting kind of late, darn.
I should get you some, uh, some dinner, huh?
Only if you want me to, like, survive.
[Hal sighs]
[Petey scribbling]
Cool.
[pool water rippling]
[light snoring]
[whirring]
[click]
[ominous drumbeat]
[muffled beat]
[psychedelic music accompanied by drumbeat]
[Young Bill] Say it, or I'll eat the rest of your placenta...
[Young Bill] I promise to pretend to be sad
when you're dead.
[Young Bill] What the ****?!
[music and drumbeat stop]
[dramatic music]
-[knife slashing] -[sharp inhale]
[Hal grunting]
Christ.
[Hal] What the ****?
[ominous music]
[beeping]
[air vent blowing]
[rattling]
[sharp exhale]
[soft sigh]
[phone vibrating]
Hello.
[Bill] Well, hello, dumbshit.
[tense music]
Bill.
[Bill] Can't be the only person who calls you dumbshit.
How did you know how to reach me, Bill?
I haven't heard from you in, what, five years?
Haven't seen you in something like 10?
[Bill] Nine and eleven, and those are just numbers.
The police gave me yours.
What do you mean, the police?
[Bill] I have news.
Aunt Ida is no more.
Oh, shit.
Well, I guess she was kind of old.
Was she sick or something?
[Bill] Actually, it seems the old girl
was having somewhat of a renaissance,
putting her house on the market, cleaning out her closet.
The nice young policewoman I spoke to...
used the phrase, "freak accident."
Okay, and? What?
[Bill] Someone has to go through her belongings,
and you're the next of kin.
Technically, you're the next of kin, Bill.
This is my week with Petey, so no.
[Bill] Your week? That's all you get with your son?
-Also, you're weak. -What do you want, Bill?
[Bill] Go to Aunt Ida's house and make sure "it" isn't there.
"It" is at the bottom of a well.
[Bill] "It" can teleport and you know it.
Why don't you bring Petey along, hmm?
Let him see you being brave for a change.
Jesus.
[Bill] What do fathers and their estranged sons
say to each other?
Road trip?
Why would it be at Aunt Ida's anyway?
[Bill] Because it's attached itself to our family
and likes to kill us.
And I don't want to die, and presumably
you don't want Petey to die either.
[Hal] And what if I find it, huh?
What am I supposed to do,
drop it from a ****ing plane? It'll probably bounce!
****! What the ****?
Is that a leg? ****!
[heavy breathing]
[door opening and closing]
[rapid breathing]
[muffled scream]
[muffled screams]
[heavy breathing]
Okay, okay.
-Petey, wake up. Come on. -What?
-We gotta go. Let's go. -What time is it?
What the ****?
Hey, language.
And we gotta go, all right?
There was a thing outside.
It wasn't a thing.
It was a woman, and either way, we gotta split.
All right? So come on, let's go.
It's the middle of the night. Are you high?
No, I wish, Jesus Christ.
No, don't do drugs. I mean it.
But come on, let's go. Hurry up.
I'm going to bed.
WE GOTTA MAKE LIKE EGGS AND SCRAMBLE!
[car engine rumbling]
[Hal] Hey, Petey, uh... sorry about that.
It's just that my aunt Ida died,
and I gotta deal with a lot of her stuff.
Can I ask you a question?
I'd really rather you didn't.
How'd your mom die?
[Hal] Is this for your family tree thing?
Because usually family trees are about the whos
and the whens, not the whys and the, you know, how.
Was your aunt the one that raised you after your mom died?
Uh, yeah. [clears throat]
Yeah, yeah, she did.
Maybe you could, uh,
take me to your aunt's house with you.
I could help you with her stuff and--
You're not coming with me, Petey.
Why not?
Because it's depressing, all right?
We were supposed to go to a theme park,
not into, you know...
[sighs]
...darkness and death.
I know about the adoption, Hal.
Oh.
And so you can either just...
cut me off and cut this off,
or we can spend
the rest of the little time that we have left together...
together.
I wonder which one Lois would have chosen.
[soft music]
[Lois humming]
What are you doing in here all alone, Hal?
Or do I not want to know?
Just thinking, I guess.
[Lois] Oh, yeah?
-About what? -[Hal] I don't know.
The future.
[drawer opens, closes]
You got any advice?
[Lois] Um, well...
take care of your teeth.
And take care of your gut.
And take life as it comes.
You know, the worst thing you can do is try to force it.
But really, I think that the most important thing
for you to remember is...
try not to kill everybody around you.
[ominous music]
[screaming]
[gasping, heavy breathing]
Petey? Pe...
Petey?
Hey, Petey, buddy?
****, ****, ****, ****, ****, ****.
[suspenseful music]
[rhythmic banging]
[suspenseful music rising]
Check it out. There's a place in town.
-They do skydiving lessons. -[door closes]
I feel like it's one of those things
where you're either really good at it or you aren't.
It only takes one lesson to find out.
[nervous chuckle]
Hey, funny.
That's... that's funny.
Yeah? Well, you're kind of funny too, Hal.
[Petey] Oh, and they do weddings.
Hey, uh, do me a favor, all right?
Uh, wait in the car while I deal with this.
What? No way.
I want to see your old room like they do in the movies.
No, Petey.
Why not?
Just because... because I said so.
All right. Fine.
Then I have to go number two.
What? Why didn't you go at the motel?
There's a lot you don't know about me, Hal.
For instance,
I'm one of those kids that can only go poo in a house.
[sighing] Are you being serious?
[clicks tongue]
It's a tough bet to lose, Hal.
[dramatic tone]
Jesus Christ.
Hi.
-Hey there. Sorry. Ah. -[woman chuckles]
Oh, window won't go down.
-Yeah, okay. -Hey there.
-How are you? -Hi! I'm Barbara.
-Hi. -You must be Hal Shelborn.
Your brother Bill Shelborn said you'd be coming.
Oh, yeah, right, right.
Uh, hi, Barbara. Yeah.
[Barbara] That brother Bill of yours
is quite the character, isn't he?
-Yeah. -Your brother Bill, I mean!
Yes, yes. He's quite the character. Yeah.
Yeah. Wow, who's this little slugger?
Oh, this is, uh, this is my son, Petey.
Oh, hello there.
Oh, no, thanks, Barbara.
I'm just a kid who doesn't buy many houses.
But I also didn't know that I have an uncle.
So, yeah, thanks for that.
Um, it's funny, because I actually asked Hal here
if he had any siblings yesterday.
But he flat out lied to my face.
-Well... -But it's cool.
He's only going to be my dad for, like,
a few more days anyway,
'cause he's being swapped out for a leading expert.
-Yeah. -Okay.
[nervous chuckle]
-Well... -So no card. Okay.
-No card, yeah. -Let's see the house.
Were you and your aunt very close?
Uh, sure. Very.
Is this all her stuff?
I felt like she had more stuff.
[Barbara] Oh, well, we did have that estate sale
the day after she died.
We had a great turnout, too.
We must have made over $100, ha!
Right...
[Barbara] Okay.
Now, let's see, that would have been on Sunday,
because ever since Monday,
things have been a bit, uh, messy around here.
Yeah. Your aunt, of course, was Monday.
[screaming]
[Barbara] And then, oh Lord,
first thing Tuesday, it was Mitch McDonald.
[crunching]
[dramatic music]
[Barbara] And then Wednesday was Burt Burgerson.
[screaming]
[steam hiss]
[body thud]
[Barbara] And then Nancy Risoli.
-[snake hissing] -[inaudible screaming]
But there aren't any cobras in Maine, I mean, are there?
Well, there was the one.
[Barbara chuckles]
No, every day since Monday,
at least one Casco local has just... poof!
Sometimes two or three or four
or even five Casco locals have just poof...
-Right. OK. -[Barbara] And poof and poof!
Great, yeah, yeah, no, I get it.
Could we look at the other closet? It's this way, I think.
Absolutely, follow me.
Poof! [chuckles]
[muffled music playing in earbuds]
You're ****ing twins?
You know, my mother used to always say
whenever there was a plane crash
or a school bus going off into the river
and mass fatalities or what have you...
She used to always say,
"Looks like God's bowling strikes tonight."
[both laughing]
Oh, that's odd.
I don't remember locking this.
Hey, you wouldn't happen to remember
if my aunt had a wind-up toy monkey at the yard sale?
Oh, no, I don't think so.
Oh, not a cherished childhood memory, now, was it?
Oh, a first little furry friend
filled with whimsy and wonder?
No, it's no big deal. Thanks.
Okay.
[Barbara chuckling]
[Barbara] Nope, not that one. [chuckles]
[ominous music]
[Hal] How are we doing with that key?
[Barbara] Oh... Don't you worry your pretty little head.
Oh mercy, did I say that out loud?
[laughing]
Watch out!
You are pretty, though.
[faint circus music]
[circus music continues]
-[Barbara] Oh! -You know what?
-I think we should go down... -It looks like I did
my own little process of elimination!
-[gun cocks] -No, no, no!
[faint thud]
[Petey] Everything okay up there?
[heavy breathing]
Yeah, everything's fine.
[ominous music]
[Hal] Oh, ****.
[overlapping chatter]
[Police officer] And you were just standing there,
hands to yourself, is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
And you knew there was a gun in the house, or not so much?
Uh, no.
[Police officer] Okay.
I'm gonna have to ask you don't leave town
until we can figure a few things out.
What? No, no, no, officer.
I promised my son that I was gonna take him
-to Horror Heaven. -Actually, officer,
we moved off going to Horror Heaven.
This is obviously far more important.
-Smart kid. -Hmm.
Find a motel.
I'd say stay here, but it's a goddamn mess in there.
I mean, have you actually been up there?
It's like that restaurant...
Spaghetti City.
[Hal] Hey, bud, you wanna go wait in the car?
Yeah, that's your favorite thing for me to do anyway, isn't it?
Just stay away.
[woman] They're bringing the body out!
[cheering]
[crowd] Let's go, Casco! Let's go, Casco! Let's go!
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[Bill] Hal Shelborn, please, if he's available.
-Bill? -Thank goodness.
And Petey? Is he available, too?
Yeah, look, we're fine, but, um...
The monkey's not here.
Aunt Ida had a goddamn yard sale, so it could've been,
but now it could be anywhere with anyone.
[Bill] Well, that's not good. That's bad.
Yeah, there's all kinds of shit happening in town,
people dying in not normal ways.
Police told me I can't leave.
[Bill] Go to the motel. Await my signal.
Await your ****ing signal?!
[sighs]
Wait, Bill, where are you?
Bill, are you living in town?
[beeping dial tone]
[sighs]
[mysterious music]
[muttering] Stupid.
[Hal] Shelborn , Shelborn... Argh. Nope.
"Mrs. Monkey"?
[picks up phone]
[phone ringing]
[answering machine beeping]
[Bill] Hello.
If this is in regards to my ad,
I'm happy to report that my quest
for finding my beloved toy monkey is over.
Thank you for calling and be safe out there.
[beep]
[key winding clicks]
[dramatic music]
-[key winding clicks] -[drumbeat]
[key winding clicks]
[tense music rising]
[Bill] At the very moment you slipped from my fingers,
[chain rattling]
I suddenly knew the terrible truth about everything.
That my dumbshit brother
had turned your key and killed my mom.
[dramatic music]
[Bill] So I went back to get you as soon as I could.
But you were gone.
Leaving behind a sign for me and only me.
That one day, you'd be back.
And so I waited.
And for the longest time,
there was nothing.
A hundred percent, pure, medical-grade nothingness.
But then...
there you were.
[heavy breathing]
[dark rock music]
[Bill] Suddenly, everywhere I looked, you were there.
-[whirring] -Oh, ****!
As constant as the sun, the moon, and the stars.
As if you had always been looking down on me.
[whirring]
Letting me know what I had always wanted to be true.
That you'd come back to help me seek my revenge.
I returned to the places where I thought you might be.
Foolishly believing that I could make you appear again.
****.
That it was I who might find you again.
So I made myself ready for your return.
Reworking my old childhood funeral suit
in anticipation of...
more funerals.
And so that I might once again
bear witness to your terrible glory.
****!
So I looked, and behold, a pale horse,
and his name that sat on him was Death.
Mrs. Monkey.
And now, here we are.
Together at last.
With only one thing left to do.
[dark rock music]
In your infinite wisdom,
I trust your flaming sword of righteousness
will cut the foul air
and smite the right person.
And I know you know exactly who I'm talking about.
[key winding clicks]
[muzak]
[beeping]
[whirring]
[click]
[thud]
[sighs]
Shit, man, that sucks.
-[dramatic tone] -[strangled gulp]
Shit, man, that sucks! Ah!
[doorbell buzzing]
[Bill] What?
[Trasher] Um, uh, it's Ricky.
[Bill] What is it? I'm extremely busy.
[Trasher] Okay, yeah, so...
I hope this isn't weird, but I was wondering,
you know, if maybe I could give you your 15 bucks back
and instead I could just keep the toy monkey thing.
It's not a toy, don't ever call it that.
[Trasher] Right, yeah, no, I thought the same thing too.
It just sort of makes me think about my dad,
which I know is kind of a weird thing
for, like, a guy to say, like, to another guy.
[chuckles]
Does it hurt very much when you think, Ricky?
-Well-- -[Bill] "Uh... Well, well..."
Did you know that 27% of all English-speaking people
will either say, "oh, shit" or "holy shit" before they die?
Now it's funny, because death
is the one big thing that'll happen to all of us,
and yet we still can't help but be somehow surprised by it.
Right on, man.
So anyway,
I saw your brother.
He looks like you.
With that's, like, uh...
that's, like, your nephew then, huh?
[tense music]
[Bill] What if Petey turned the key?
So... so, can I have it back?
[Bill] Never. I employed you to find the monkey,
not to fall in love with it.
Now **** off.
-[doorbell buzzes] -[surprised gasp]
[grunting]
**** you...
[dramatic music]
[instrumental rock music]
Hey, Ma, are you home or are you at the factory?
Lousy deadbeat.
Yo, Beauchamps!
You got any extra bullets?
[TV show playing faintly]
What caliber?
Hey, you still got some of Barbara's blood on you.
Yeah.
Accidents happen.
Can I ask you a question?
Ha ha.
Uh, nope.
You ever killed a man?
I... [clears throat]
Jesus.
Does Mom know?
No, I haven't killed anybody.
Of course I haven't killed anybody.
Look, when we get back to the motel, I'm gonna call your mom
and I'm gonna tell her what happened.
She'll think I'm not safe to be around and...
she'll be right.
So Ted will just adopt me and...
you'll never have to see me again?
[sighs deeply]
You're better off with Ted, all right?
**** you, man.
[keys jingling]
Hey, Petey...
[door slamming and locking]
Well, I'm here if you need me.
[Hal] You just do your thing in the bathroom, okay?
And if you wanna have a talk,
we can have a proper talk, all right, buddy?
[tense music]
[phone ringing]
[heavy breathing]
Yes?
[Hal] It's me. You have it, don't you?
I don't know, maybe.
[Hal] Come on, Bill, Mrs. Monkey?
I know you are, but what am I?
[Hal] Stop turning the key!
Its arms aren't ****ing long enough or articulate enough
to reach back there itself, so somebody has to.
And also, no.
[Hal] Jesus ****ing Christ, Bill,
these are innocent people.
Look, I... I don't care about me.
All that matters is that Petey is safe, so stop turning it.
If you want me to stop turning the key,
bring Petey to me so he can turn it instead.
What? No. Why?
[Bill] The person who turns the key never dies.
You've known that since we were kids, haven't you, Hal?
[Hal] What?
What are you talking about?
Where are you, Bill?
[Bill] If you want Petey to be safe,
all Petey has to do is turn the key
and keep turning the key forever and ever and ever,
and Petey will never die.
[Hal] Listen to me, Bill, all right?
Let me get Petey out of here, then we'll talk, all right?
We'll figure out what we're gonna do.
[Bill] Either I keep turning the key or Petey turns the key.
Call me back when you made your decision.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
-Bill, Bi-- -[beeping tone]
****!
[hard breathing]
[Hal] Hey, Petey? Petey?
[knocking on door]
Hey, Petey?
Hey, buddy, we gotta go, all right?
I gotta take you back to your mom's.
Petey, open the door! Come on!
[tense music rising]
Petey!
Petey, open the door!
Come on, we gotta go right now!
-Jesus Christ. -[toilet flushing]
Don't have a heart attack.
Or do, you know? You want out of my life so bad,
it might just be a nice shortcut.
Petey, what the ****? Why didn't you answer the door?
Why do you care? Why would you even have a kid
if all you're gonna do is just keep yourself away from me?
I didn't exactly know what I was doing, all right?
I was just a stupid, dumb kid.
So I was an accident? Is that what you're saying?
Everything is an accident, yes.
Wow, nice one.
Great to hear.
I... That's not what I...
[sad music]
Yes, it was an accident, Petey.
But you are not a mistake.
I'm so glad you're here with me.
You're very precious to me.
But that's why I stay away, because I...
I come with all sorts of weird baggage,
and I don't want you to have to deal with that.
-Like what? -[Hal] Like...
Bad stuff, Petey, like...
like evil stuff.
Stuff I got from my dad, and I don't want to pass it on to you.
What are you talking about? Like what?
Like...
[loud banging on motel door]
Hold on.
Open up, it's the mother****ing police!
-[loud banging] -All right, all right.
[gun cocks]
Shut up! Shut up and hands up!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just relax, all right?
-[Trasher] Sh, sh! -Just relax, relax.
-Get the keys. -[Hal] What?
-[Trasher] COME ON! -Okay, okay!
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
All right, all right.
[heavy breathing]
We're gonna go for a little drive, okay?
Okay, all right.
[ominous music]
[car engine rumbling]
[Trasher] All right, stop here.
[keys jingling]
Where are we?
Huh?
[Hal] Where are we?
That's your brother's house!
Or his fortress.
Don't pretend like you don't know where we are!
I don't know, all right?
We're, you know, we're estranged.
-Ah, shit, man, that sucks. -[Hal] Thanks.
-[Trasher] Shut up! -Okay.
[Trasher] You, you go inside,
you make nice with your uncle, you get me the monkey.
-And you bring it out, okay? -What monkey?
It's... It's got a little red vest,
and it holds a drum, and I need it.
Why does this guy know about a monkey and I don't?
He doesn't know about it and he's not going in there.
It's a toy monkey?
[Hal] Don't call it that, all right?
It's not. It's...
It's evil.
It's basically the devil, all right?
It's a toy monkey.
I was gonna tell you when you were older, okay?
You've been a goddamn deadbeat dad because of a toy monkey?
What the ****?
Hey, language, and yes, but that's why we have to get
as far away from this place as possible.
Seriously, kid, you gotta hope you get that goddamn monkey,
because I'm gonna shoot this guy.
All right, just let me go in there with him.
-Please. -No!
[Trasher] There is a doggy door around back,
and your kid better hope that he's scrawny enough to fit.
You don't call the cops or do anything.
You get in there, you get me the monkey,
or I swear I'm gonna shoot you both, like, a lot of times.
He's not going in there.
-[Trasher] Shut up! -All right.
Go.
Hal...
this is some ****ed up shit.
I know.
So whatever you do,
don't turn the key in the monkey's back.
[somber music]
[Petey] Okay, okay!
[car door opening, beeping]
[tense music]
****...
[loud bang]
[ominous music]
****.
[Petey] Huh.
Kinda cool... I guess.
[wire twangs]
[loud thud]
[tense music]
You're not really a cop, are you?
Shut up! Of course not.
I hate cops.
My dad was a cop.
Still is, for all I know.
You know, my mom said he was out chasing *****,
but I'm all like, there's ***** here in town, you know?
-Yeah, I know. -[Trasher] But whatever.
He left.
And that's why I hate cops.
But also they're cops, you know?
Which is the best reason to hate cops.
What the ****?
[hornets buzzing]
Uh...
What the hell is that doing there?
Hit it with your brights.
Hit it with my brights, okay.
[dramatic tone]
Oh, gross! Shut it off!
-Okay! -[Trasher] Shut it off!
I'm shutting it off. Jesus!
[Bill] In your infinite wisdom,
I trust your flaming sword of righteousness
will cut the foul air and strike the right person
and only the right person.
Uncle Bill?
Petey.
What a nice surprise.
-You okay? -[Bill] Who, me?
[Petey] Yeah.
You.
It's been a long time since anyone's asked me that.
Now that you mention it...
No.
I'm not okay.
[eerie music]
This was my favorite toy from childhood.
It's supposed to play the drums, but I think it's stuck.
Could you fix it for me?
It was your grandfather's, you know.
He brought it home from one of his trips.
He was a pilot.
He was a Petey too.
Did you know that?
-Hal never tells me anything. -No, of course, he doesn't.
[Petey] So this is it then, huh?
The thing that messed everyone up?
How could it?
It's just a toy.
Why don't you try turning it, hmm?
Probably just needs a different touch.
There.
Turning the key is just simply something
the Shelborn men have been doing for generations.
It's a... A tradition, if you will.
But if it's not for you, then it's not for you.
[Petey] What does it do?
Turn the key.
See what happens.
[tense music]
[key winding clicks]
[whirring]
[rapid whirring]
[arm clicks]
[drumstick whirring]
[hornets buzzing]
[branch creaking]
You want me to back up?
No! Don't ****ing move.
Hey, okay. Okay.
Is it working?
Man, this stupid cop hat!
It's crazy itchy.
What?
[circus music and drumming]
[gunshot]
Jesus ****ing Christ!
[panicked breathing]
Let's be careful with that pistol, huh?
[nervous chuckle]
Yeah.
-Totally. -Yeah. Right.
****.
[distant circus music]
[circus music and drumming]
[faint circus music]
[Trasher breathing hard]
[circus music and drumming stop]
Uh...
[ominous music rising]
Holy shit!
-[drumbeat] -[loud buzzing]
-[Trasher] Shit! Shit! -Oh!
[strangled gasps]
Jesus Christ! ****!
****! Jesus!
-[gunshots] -****!
[muffled gasp]
[heavy breathing]
****!
[Hal] PETEY, WHERE ARE YOU?!
-Dad! -Petey!
Turn it again.
Turn the goddamn key right now!
[Petey] What? No!
Then give me the ****ing monkey! [grunts]
That's it!
I'm not asking nicely anymore.
Do it. Kill him.
Kill my dumb shit brother, and do it now!
[whirring]
God... damn you!
Strike the goddamn drum!
God-****ing...
I command you!
[dramatic music]
****.
Godd... Will you, please?
[grunting]
Goddamn it!
[heavy breathing]
Godd...
How are you so goddamn strong?
[music rising]
-[drumbeat] -[Bill yelps]
[groaning]
[grunting]
Hey!
Huh? Petey!
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Ah, thank God. Come on.
-[whirring] -[Bill] God... damn it!
[heavy breathing]
[ominous music]
[weird slow drumming]
[drumming speeding up]
[ominous music rising]
[music and drumming stops]
[heavy breathing]
What did I do wrong?
[distant rumbling]
[distant screams]
-[explosion] -What is that?
[groaning]
[plane crashing]
[distant screams]
-[drum beat] -[dramatic tone]
Jesus Christ!
[drumbeat]
[body squelching]
Ah! Godd...!
[scared breathing]
What the...
Bill.
[Hal] ****. The drumstick's still up, Petey.
Hello, dumbshit.
That's all you can say at a time like this, you ****er?!
Dumbshit's what you are.
****... You ****!
[Bill grunts]
[both breathing heavily]
[Hal] Jesus Christ, Bill.
You were really trying to kill me, weren't you?
Of course I was.
That's what all this carnage was for, huh?
You could've killed Petey!
You could've killed my ****ing son!
For what? Why?
'Cause you killed my mom.
[somber music]
And I know you wanted to kill me.
But the goddamn thing doesn't take requests, obviously.
[grunts]
I've been turning the key with you in mind for days.
Nothing.
[sniffles]
Listen, Bill.
It's not my fault.
It wasn't anybody's fault.
None of us deserved what happened to us.
[Hal] We just happened to be there when it did.
Mommy?
I'm sorry, Bill.
[soft, sorrowful music]
But I guess I gotta go now.
[Hal] Everybody dies, and that's life.
I'm sorry your mom died.
It ****ing sucks.
I know how you feel.
She was my mom, too.
Oh, yeah.
[sad chuckle]
I guess she was.
Never thought about it like that.
[Bill] Innocent mistake, I guess.
Sure.
Makes sense, though, you know.
We're brothers.
[Bill] Twins.
Right.
I'm sorry.
I wish we could have been there for each other
when we were kids.
But we're here now.
What do you say, Bill?
Brothers again?
[emotional music rising]
Sure.
[teasing exclamation]
Nah...
[emotional music]
[Bill chuckles]
I'm sorry.
[emotional music]
So what, you two are on some kind of road trip or something?
Yeah.
A kind of...
father-son road trip, right?
Cool.
I would like to have done that
with somebody at least once.
So come with us.
[emotional music rising]
[drum beat]
[creaking]
[mechanical whirring]
Jesus!
[church organ]
[heavy breathing]
****.
[slow squelching]
[distant croaking]
[birds chirping]
[ashes sizzling softly]
So Uncle Bill pretty much
wiped out half the town where you grew up, huh?
Yeah.
[car alarm wailing]
[Petey] I mean, I get that everybody dies,
and that's life, but...
it's just, like, everybody dies,
you know, at the same time.
[woman shrieking]
So, uh...
what do you want to do now?
I guess we gotta figure out what we're gonna do with the monkey.
We keep it close.
We accept that it's ours...
and we hold on tight.
[ominous music]
[hooves clicking]
[horse huffing softly]
[hooves clicking]
[small chuckle]
Hey, I just got an idea of what we should do right now.
Let's go dancing.
-Dancing? -[Hal] Yeah.
[small chuckle] Like, with our bodies?
Where did that shit come from?
It comes from your grandmother.
From Lois.
[soft, sorrowful music]
[Petey] Cool.
Yeah, it is cool.
[sighs]
[distant cheering]
[cheering]
[horn honking]
["Twistin' the Night Away" by Sam Cooke]
♪ Let me tell you 'bout a place ♪
♪ Somewhere up-a New York way ♪
♪ Where the people are so *** ♪
♪ Twistin' the night away ♪
♪ Here they have a lot of fun ♪
♪ Puttin' trouble on the run ♪
♪ Man, you find the old and young ♪
♪ Twistin' the night away ♪
♪ They're twistin', twistin' ♪
♪ Everybody's feelin' great ♪
♪ They're twistin', twistin' ♪
♪ They're twistin' the night away ♪
♪ Here's a man in evening clothes ♪
♪ How he got here, I don't know but ♪
♪ Man you oughta see him go ♪
♪ Twistin' the night away ♪
♪ He's dancin' with a chick in slacks ♪
♪ She's movin' up and back ♪
♪ Oh, man, there ain't nothin' like ♪
♪ Twistin' the night away ♪
♪ They're twistin', twistin' ♪
♪ Everybody's feelin' great ♪
♪ They're twistin', twistin' ♪
♪ They're twistin' the night Let's twist a while ♪
♪ Lean up ♪
♪ Lean back ♪
♪ Lean up ♪
♪ Lean back ♪
♪ Watusi ♪
♪ Now fly ♪
♪ Now twist ♪
♪ They're twistin' the night away ♪
♪ Here's a fella in blue jeans ♪
♪ Dancin' with an older queen ♪
♪ Who's dolled up in her diamond rings ♪
♪ And twistin' the night away ♪
♪ Man, you oughta see her go ♪
♪ Twistin' to the rock and roll ♪
♪ Here you find the young and old ♪
♪ Twistin' the night away ♪
♪ They're twistin', twistin', man ♪
♪ Everybody's feelin' great ♪
♪ They're twistin', twistin' ♪
♪ They're twistin' the night ♪
♪ One more time ♪
♪ Lean up ♪
♪ Lean back ♪
♪ Lean up ♪
♪ Lean back ♪
♪ Watusi ♪
♪ Now fly ♪
♪ Now twist ♪
("Twistin' the Night Away" by Sam Cooke ends)
("Sleepers" by Spectral Tilt starts)
("Sleepers" by Spectral Tilt fades out)
[dark, suspenseful music]
[music fades]
[circus music starts]
[circus music ends]
[high-pitched voice] Shit, man, that sucks.