1 00:00:00,567 --> 00:00:02,268 [man]{\an8}Previously on Doom Patrol... 2 00:00:02,335 --> 00:00:04,337 - Where am I? The year? - Cloverton. 3 00:00:04,404 --> 00:00:05,438 2021. 4 00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:08,800 Niles Caulder, I'm coming. 5 00:00:08,740 --> 00:00:10,610 - Who honestly, the **** are you? - Good question. 6 00:00:11,277 --> 00:00:14,470 There are mysterious things in this world that 7 00:00:14,114 --> 00:00:15,382 they are keeping an eye on. 8 00:00:17,117 --> 00:00:19,520 I'm sure it was nothing important. 9 00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:22,255 The last I checked robots don't get Parkinson's. 10 00:00:22,322 --> 00:00:24,257 Just think you need to get it checked out. 11 00:00:24,324 --> 00:00:26,526 I think there is something he needs to show me. 12 00:00:26,593 --> 00:00:27,727 Where did you go? 13 00:00:27,794 --> 00:00:29,529 - Mom? - Come on, Victor. 14 00:00:29,596 --> 00:00:32,665 What did you mean when you said Dad chose to make me into a weapon? 15 00:00:32,732 --> 00:00:34,167 He said he had no choice at all. 16 00:00:34,234 --> 00:00:36,770 The butts are lose. 17 00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,339 [screaming] 18 00:00:41,374 --> 00:00:42,676 [screaming] 19 00:00:44,411 --> 00:00:46,146 It's just vomit. 20 00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:50,784 Smile, Caulder. The world ain't done with you yet, old man. 21 00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:03,456 [country music playing] 22 00:02:03,523 --> 00:02:05,458 [Kipling gulping] 23 00:02:05,525 --> 00:02:07,761 [sighs] 24 00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:11,564 {\an8}♪ I was born in Houston ♪ 25 00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:15,268 {\an8}♪ Life was full and good ♪ 26 00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:18,738 {\an8}♪ Got a yen to travel ♪ 27 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,275 {\an8}♪ No one understood ♪ 28 00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:25,812 {\an8}♪ Took my things And said goodbye ♪ 29 00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,280 {\an8}♪ Left my family ♪ 30 00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:29,582 Don't you look pretty as a picture? 31 00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:34,387 [chuckles] 32 00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:39,826 {\an8}♪ On my own in Seattle ♪ 33 00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:43,697 {\an8}♪ City by the sea ♪ 34 00:02:43,763 --> 00:02:46,866 {\an8}♪ There, a lovely woman ♪ 35 00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:52,572 {\an8}♪ Gave her love to me... ♪ 36 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:58,278 She-ma yisrael adonai eloheinu, adonai echad. 37 00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:02,415 [static crackling] 38 00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:04,584 [Niles coughing] 39 00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:09,222 [Niles] What's going on? Where am I? 40 00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:10,790 [Kipling] Morning, sunshine. 41 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,892 [Niles] Willoughby? What have you done? 42 00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:16,563 Would you believe I just fancied a chat with an old friend? 43 00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:18,298 [Niles] Hardly. 44 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,967 Well, before you get all holier-than-thou, 45 00:03:21,234 --> 00:03:23,737 if the tables were turned, you'd have done the same thing. 46 00:03:23,803 --> 00:03:25,939 [Niles] Rabbi Loew animated his creature 47 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,375 to protect his people from slaughter. 48 00:03:28,441 --> 00:03:32,545 I doubt you have such lofty intentions for me. 49 00:03:32,612 --> 00:03:34,214 That hurts my feelings. 50 00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:37,951 I've got loads of important shit for us to do. 51 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,420 And old friends to see. 52 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:49,529 [gasps] Dear God, poor Niles! 53 00:03:49,596 --> 00:03:51,464 Whatever has happened to you? 54 00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:52,766 [Niles] Baphomet. 55 00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:55,568 Hello, love. 56 00:03:56,770 --> 00:04:00,774 I'm perfectly well. Just lost a little weight, that's all. 57 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,342 [Kipling in Niles' voice] How are you? 58 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,344 - I-- - [Kipling] Well, that's great! 59 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:07,313 Listen, can I ask you something, head to head? 60 00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:09,683 What do you think of my pal, Willoughby? 61 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:13,586 Is he the kind of chap you see yourself settling down with? 62 00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:18,258 Willy, how could you do this dreadful thing to your friend? 63 00:04:18,324 --> 00:04:20,293 [Kipling in Niles' voice] Whatever do you mean? 64 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,295 I think I look top shelf. 65 00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:26,900 I have no interest in these baby games. 66 00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:31,400 Don't summon me again unless you decide to grow up. 67 00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,505 Baby, wait! 68 00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:34,874 [static crackling] 69 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,376 [Kipling] {\an8}****! 70 00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:37,977 [Niles chuckling] I'm sorry, Willoughby, 71 00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,714 but that was pathetic, even for you-- 72 00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:42,282 [line disconnects] 73 00:04:43,850 --> 00:04:45,652 Wrong room, ****head. 74 00:04:48,588 --> 00:04:50,390 Oh, **** me. 75 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:52,726 [whistling] 76 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:01,768 [Jane] So, are you gonna tell us who you are 77 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,400 or does someone need to jam a foot up your pee-hole? 78 00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:09,576 Oh! Aren't you charming? Now, would you mind telling me, 79 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:12,445 when are you expecting Niles Caulder back? 80 00:05:12,512 --> 00:05:13,747 - Well-- - Look, lady. 81 00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:15,648 - You're in our house... - Mmm-hmm. 82 00:05:15,715 --> 00:05:17,830 ...wearing our clothes and drinking our tea. 83 00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:17,817 Yeah. 84 00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:19,853 Now, answer our questions. 85 00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:21,855 Then maybe we could talk about Niles. 86 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,593 - How were you made? - Excuse me? 87 00:05:26,659 --> 00:05:29,963 Is that aluminum? You know, how does it... How does it stick to your face? 88 00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,865 [Larry] Uh, that is his face. 89 00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:34,934 That is his face! Wow, okay. 90 00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:37,904 - Stop doing that! - Okay, in a minute. Whoa! 91 00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:40,974 - It's fascinating. - How long have you been in our house? 92 00:05:41,410 --> 00:05:42,842 Well, long enough to see Bandages over here 93 00:05:42,909 --> 00:05:44,911 play dress-up with your dead bodies. 94 00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,346 - [Jane] No! - [Cliff] The ****? 95 00:05:46,413 --> 00:05:50,160 [Larry] I was at a low point and wasn't making great decisions, okay? 96 00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:54,688 Okay, tell me, why are you all scratching like circus animals? 97 00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:59,392 Your name, now. Or I'm dragging your *** out of here. 98 00:05:59,459 --> 00:06:02,562 Okay, well... I'm not being coy. Um... 99 00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:05,398 The truth is, I can't remember. 100 00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,901 - Why are you looking for Chief? - Can't remember that either. 101 00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:09,736 But when I think of him, 102 00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:12,639 I am filled with an overwhelming and immediate urge 103 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,507 to punch him in the face. 104 00:06:14,574 --> 00:06:15,675 - That's him. - Yup. 105 00:06:15,742 --> 00:06:16,676 - Word. - Sounds about right. 106 00:06:16,743 --> 00:06:17,711 But here's what I do know. 107 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:22,820 I seem to have traveled here via a sort of a time-travel capsule. 108 00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:22,982 [Larry] Ugh... 109 00:06:23,490 --> 00:06:27,120 As a result, I have a moderate to more-than-moderate degree of memory loss. 110 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,657 And that I need to find a certain Niles Caulder. 111 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,250 [Cliff] Bullshit! 112 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,394 There's no such thing as time travel. 113 00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:37,897 'Cause if there was, a certain sixth grade ***bag named Jimmy Decker 114 00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:40,667 would've never pulled my pants down in assembly. 115 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:44,700 And I never would've had the nickname "Cheeto Dick" for six years. 116 00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,172 That's what you would go back in time and fix? 117 00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:51,845 **** yeah! But like I said, time travel doesn't exist. 118 00:07:05,910 --> 00:07:06,126 You were saying? 119 00:07:09,290 --> 00:07:10,730 [Larry] What year did you come from? 120 00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:12,599 Um... [chuckles] 121 00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:23,900 If you saw us dead, that means that you were here at least since yesterday. 122 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:24,678 - Hey, Rita? - Hmm? 123 00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:26,846 When did your super-secret alarm thing go off? 124 00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:31,151 Uh, the day before we went to Codsville, I think, ahem. [clears throat] 125 00:07:31,217 --> 00:07:33,620 [Larry] Which you completely ignored. 126 00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:36,723 [scoffs] Well, the important thing is... Oh, shut up. 127 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,858 She's here now, isn't she? 128 00:07:38,925 --> 00:07:41,628 Right, yes. And now it's time for you all to answer my questions, 129 00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,930 starting with, "Where is Niles Caulder?" 130 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:48,134 He's deader than shit. God damn, I love saying that. 131 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,170 - [roars] - [glass shattering] 132 00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:55,742 I see. How long? 133 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:56,910 [Larry] About two weeks. 134 00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:58,578 Two weeks. Right. 135 00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,146 Well, then I shall just time-travel back to then. 136 00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:04,551 [Jane] Then. You can do that? And actually talk to him? 137 00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:07,721 [woman] It's a time machine, dear. So I can, you know, travel back 138 00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:10,156 and have a wee chat with Adam and Eve, if I want to. 139 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:17,970 [Cliff] Mmm, I don't know. Things were a little hairy around here two weeks ago. 140 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:21,234 Kaiju candle-demon on the loose. You might wanna go back a little further. 141 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:24,137 Right. Well, I shall go back three weeks, then. 142 00:08:24,204 --> 00:08:26,539 Ooh, yeah. 143 00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:29,809 This place was lousy with sex ghosts around then. I don't recommend it. 144 00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:31,111 - True. - [Cliff]{\an8}That's right. 145 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,747 - Well, four weeks? - [all] No, no, no. 146 00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:35,515 Okay. Well, how about five? 147 00:08:35,582 --> 00:08:36,783 - [Vic] Hell, no. - [others groan] 148 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,151 Seven? What about seven? Give me seven. 149 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:40,120 Anyone for seven? You want to give me seven? 150 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:41,721 - Seven, anybody? - I think you're good. 151 00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:44,124 Good, all righty. Bon voyage! 152 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,260 Send Chief our love. 153 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,230 Tell him I said... He'll know what it means. 154 00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:55,902 Okay, well, this is goodbye and has been a truly infuriating experience. 155 00:08:55,969 --> 00:09:00,774 And I only hope that in your time of need, you will be met one day 156 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:05,679 with the same ineptitude and uselessness which you have shown me here today. 157 00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:08,548 So, I bid you adieu. 158 00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:10,884 - [door creaking shut] - [Vic] Peace. God. 159 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,890 [engine sputtering] 160 00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:19,250 [engine rattling] 161 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:21,227 [woman] Come on, come on. Let's go. 162 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:22,762 Come on, come on. 163 00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:23,897 [engine hissing, stopping] 164 00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:28,301 Who's good with machines? 165 00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:33,390 Lady, I only knew time travel existed ten minutes ago. 166 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:33,940 Mmm-hmm. 167 00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:37,100 Oh! Thank you. 168 00:09:37,770 --> 00:09:38,578 I can't fix your machine. 169 00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:41,815 No. Well, not with that attitude, you can't. 170 00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:42,849 What about Cliff? 171 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,184 [squeaking] 172 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,252 He knows everything about fixing cars. 173 00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:50,790 Oh, I know more than everything. Thing is, I don't give a shit about any of this. 174 00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:53,927 So you kids have a party. I'm out of here. 175 00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:57,230 Wait. We're just gonna let some crazy lady stay in our house 176 00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,933 and put her crazy lady fingers on all our stuff? 177 00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:03,670 Because there's nothing weird about some nutball traveling through time 178 00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:04,971 to see Chief? 179 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,700 - [Cliff] Yup. - [Larry] Pretty much, yeah. 180 00:10:07,730 --> 00:10:09,342 We've got our own crap to take care of, remember? 181 00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,979 We agreed to get help with our shit? 182 00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:17,851 - You were serious about that? - Yup. You should be too. 183 00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:22,155 Well, you should mind your own ****ing business. 184 00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:27,861 Okay, right. Um, you. Take me to this secret alarm. 185 00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:29,362 I would like to have a look at it. 186 00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,931 - I would be happy-- - No. 187 00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:33,366 [Larry grunting] Oh, God. 188 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,367 [grunting] 189 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:35,368 Oh, God! 190 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:36,770 [gasping] 191 00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:37,871 Shall we? 192 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,975 Okay. Well, I'll be back to check on your work later. 193 00:10:42,420 --> 00:10:42,942 Oh, I'm not... 194 00:10:50,830 --> 00:10:51,151 [coughing, vomiting] 195 00:11:02,950 --> 00:11:02,996 Oh, God. 196 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,000 Oh, God. 197 00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,704 Well, first, my leg started ****ing up. 198 00:11:10,770 --> 00:11:13,139 Then my hands started shaking like ****ing Jell-O. 199 00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:15,809 I thought that it was just shitty craftsmanship 200 00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:17,777 by the shitty scientist that built my body. 201 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,180 But then my buddy Cyborg scanned my shit and said 202 00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:22,148 it might be my brain that's ****ed. 203 00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:24,951 Cyborg's not really my buddy. I don't know why I just said that. 204 00:11:25,180 --> 00:11:26,986 He's more like this lesser version of me who lives in my house. 205 00:11:27,530 --> 00:11:29,856 Anyhoo, my daughter-in-law thinks I might have Parkinson's. 206 00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,692 But she's not a doctor. She's a graphic designer. 207 00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:35,610 But you're a doctor. So what do you think? 208 00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:41,368 Goddamn TikTokers. I don't have time for this. 209 00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:43,737 Hmph, okay. 210 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:02,956 **** it. 211 00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,293 [fly buzzing] 212 00:12:21,307 --> 00:12:22,342 [loud clattering] 213 00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:23,309 Shit! 214 00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:26,980 [flesh tearing] 215 00:12:27,470 --> 00:12:28,915 What the hell? 216 00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,819 [Silas] Which of Niles' nonsense are you mixed up in now? 217 00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,255 [Vic] It's a time machine. 218 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,857 And for some reason, I've been tasked with fixing it. 219 00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,359 Also, it's not Niles. 220 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:42,195 I hope you didn't ask me here to help. 221 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,932 Time travel's fringe, experimental, dangerous. 222 00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:49,502 Few human trials that I know of have led to neurological damage and memory loss. 223 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:53,473 Fringe and experimental? As opposed to the body tech which was thoroughly vetted 224 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,410 before you put it in my body? 225 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:56,976 I did it to save your life. 226 00:12:57,430 --> 00:12:59,446 And if I'm not mistaken, it seems to have worked out okay. 227 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:02,415 Alive and okay aren't the same thing. You know that, right? 228 00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:05,285 Maybe you'd have more body positivity if you'd made better choices 229 00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:06,853 for how you used your tech-- 230 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,388 I didn't choose to put this in my body. You did. 231 00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,157 What's going on here, Vic? 232 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:12,926 Where's this coming from? 233 00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:14,961 I've just been wondering, is all, 234 00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:19,499 if there was another choice, if body tech was the only way to save my life. 235 00:13:23,169 --> 00:13:27,173 Okay, let's talk about choice. 236 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,100 Like your choice to abet Roni Evers in evading authorities, 237 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,450 a choice that cost me my job. 238 00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:33,130 What? 239 00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:36,516 Technically, I'm on administrative leave. 240 00:13:37,283 --> 00:13:38,551 - But it's not looking good. - But that's not fair! 241 00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,420 You had nothing to do with. 242 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:43,560 You used S.T.A.R. Labs tech I designed to help a murderer! 243 00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,425 But she's not a bad person, Dad! 244 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:49,290 If you know what she went through, you'd understand where she's coming from. 245 00:13:49,950 --> 00:13:51,398 She deserved a second chance, and I gave her one. 246 00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,137 So that's it? 247 00:13:57,203 --> 00:14:00,206 You take zero responsibility for your actions? 248 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,942 I can't believe I'd ever feel this disappointed in you, son. 249 00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:04,878 But here we are. 250 00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:06,613 [sighs] 251 00:14:09,490 --> 00:14:10,617 Do you want to know why I asked you over? 252 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,550 Two days ago, I died. 253 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:16,556 What? 254 00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,291 I went to the afterlife and I talked to Mom. 255 00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:20,360 [softly] Oh... 256 00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:21,961 Finally happened. 257 00:14:22,950 --> 00:14:24,564 You've been hanging around these nuts so long, you done lost your mind. 258 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,633 No. She told me that there was another way you could have saved me. 259 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:30,360 Yeah. And I want to know what it was. 260 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,340 Was there another way or not? 261 00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:37,410 Well... 262 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,915 We had, uh, developed a prototype 263 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:44,317 for synthetic skin. 264 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,618 [whispering] Oh, God. 265 00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:50,290 So, I could've looked normal. 266 00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,425 - It was still very-- - Experimental. 267 00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:55,428 Like the cyber tech? 268 00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:56,396 Just like this? 269 00:14:57,964 --> 00:14:59,466 Why would you do this to me? 270 00:15:00,330 --> 00:15:04,504 You couldn't do human trials, so you used your own son as a guinea pig? 271 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:05,939 Is that what this is? 272 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,641 I cannot keep explaining myself. 273 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,760 You can't or you won't? 274 00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:13,146 Everything I did was to protect you. 275 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:16,983 I don't care what you hear or who you talk to. 276 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:19,986 It won't change that. 277 00:15:29,950 --> 00:15:30,130 [tool clatters loudly] 278 00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:37,700 I must apologize for my housemates' less-than-warm welcome. 279 00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:41,341 It's just, most of them are trying to move on from Niles Caulder, 280 00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:45,578 so a mysterious stranger dredging him back up was probably a bit triggering. 281 00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:46,946 Oh, yeah? Why is that? 282 00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:49,490 Was he a bad man? 283 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,450 Yes. 284 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:51,518 And no. 285 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:55,550 He was a complicated person. 286 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,523 Yes. Well, aren't we all? 287 00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:02,262 Oh, shitting hell! 288 00:16:02,328 --> 00:16:04,731 Perhaps it was completely pointless coming here. 289 00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:07,701 Well, how can you possibly know what to look for 290 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,369 when you don't know what you're looking for? 291 00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:12,972 Well, the mind may forget, but the gut may not. 292 00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:15,342 It is the elephant of the body, 293 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:18,611 and it will tell me when I am onto something. 294 00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:23,490 It just occurred to me that I... I don't know what to call you. 295 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:24,217 Well, that makes two of us. 296 00:16:26,190 --> 00:16:27,987 What about Shannon? 297 00:16:28,540 --> 00:16:29,989 I have always liked that name. 298 00:16:31,570 --> 00:16:32,459 Very well, Shannon it is. 299 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:35,729 Why don't you tell me, um, what your name is? 300 00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,298 It's Rita. Rita Farr. 301 00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,266 Ah, well, Rita. 302 00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:43,737 I don't know why you have attached yourself to me like a black-legged tick, 303 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,573 but it is distracting and quite bothersome. 304 00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:51,440 And I don't mean to be unkind, but it's really annoying! 305 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:54,114 Oh, I didn't mean to be any of those things. 306 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,648 Do you have a question for me, 307 00:16:55,715 --> 00:17:00,153 or is your neediness some kind of holistic condition? 308 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,222 Actually, I do. 309 00:17:02,288 --> 00:17:04,224 Do I look at all familiar to you? 310 00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:08,528 My body elephant has the strongest feeling that we know each other. 311 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:11,664 No one looks familiar to me, not even me. 312 00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:14,534 Or do you... Do you not know how amnesia works? 313 00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:20,273 Maybe try taking a nice long look at me for a minute. 314 00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:23,443 Maybe it'll help jog something loose. Hmm? 315 00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:35,522 Oh, you got schmutz on your face there. 316 00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:36,589 [groans] 317 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:40,760 Ah! 318 00:17:47,701 --> 00:17:49,235 Hot dog! 319 00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:56,676 [creaking] 320 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:01,381 Okay. 321 00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:06,353 [both gasp] 322 00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:13,660 [exhales] That's the stuff. 323 00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:18,865 Wow. 324 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:22,435 Ugh! 325 00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:27,707 [Cliff] Whatcha doing? 326 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,777 Playing Frisbee golf. What does it look like, dipshit? 327 00:18:30,844 --> 00:18:33,246 Uh... 328 00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:35,815 Like you're making creepy Bob Ross fan art. 329 00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:38,752 You made me feel like shit for not honoring our stupid pact or whatever, 330 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:43,189 so I tried making something out of my pain, like Abuelita told me to. 331 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:44,557 But it didn't work. 332 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,626 And now I feel like an even bigger ****, 333 00:18:46,693 --> 00:18:50,530 so I'm going to get high as **** and then light it on fire. 334 00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:53,566 - Wanna watch? - Definitely. 335 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,603 Only... maybe before you flick your Bic, 336 00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:02,175 you might wanna, I don't know, try talking to creepy Bob Ross. 337 00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:04,277 - About what? - Whatever you want. 338 00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:07,814 Maybe saying some shit you didn't get to before he died will give you some closure. 339 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,750 Who crawled up your *** and made you Dr. Phil? 340 00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:14,287 When we were in the afterlife, I got to tell off my ***hole dad, 341 00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,222 and it felt awesome! 342 00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:19,793 I'm talking top ten best moments of my life, or afterlife. 343 00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:21,895 At least it was great till he shoved his 344 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:23,863 "Grandpa of the Year" mug up my butt. 345 00:19:24,698 --> 00:19:26,399 Not literally. 346 00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:29,669 And I got to tell Niles to suck a bucket of vaginas, 347 00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:32,238 which also squeaks into my top ten. 348 00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,373 Wait, when did that happen? 349 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:34,808 Oh, uh... 350 00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:37,344 Probably about, ooh, sometime after he died. 351 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:40,914 He was a ghost, and he wanted me to burn his body so his soul could be at peace. 352 00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,583 But I didn't do it because **** him. 353 00:19:43,650 --> 00:19:44,918 So I could've talked to him? 354 00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,320 That's what I'm saying! You still can. 355 00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:01,601 [Larry] I'm sorry it has to end this way, old friends. 356 00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:05,372 I'd like to think you'll do well out here. 357 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:08,575 But my guess is, you'll be dead a week after I am. 358 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,343 [Rita groans] 359 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,879 I'm in crisis, Larry, and I need a sympathetic ear. 360 00:20:12,946 --> 00:20:15,448 Uh, not really a good time, okay? 361 00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:17,350 There was another me at Codsville. 362 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:19,386 [Larry sighs] 363 00:20:20,687 --> 00:20:22,655 How do you mean? 364 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,925 I mean, there was another me. As in, instead of just one of me, 365 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,494 there were two. 366 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:31,231 It happened right after that ghastly red creature started shooting. 367 00:20:31,297 --> 00:20:33,767 I almost escaped, when "she" 368 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:37,237 shoved me back into the lounge. 369 00:20:37,303 --> 00:20:39,706 What's more is, she was wearing the exact same flight suit 370 00:20:39,773 --> 00:20:41,608 I found in Shannon's time machine. 371 00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:44,911 - Who's Shannon? - Our mysterious time traveler. 372 00:20:44,978 --> 00:20:46,120 It's what we're calling her now. 373 00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:47,547 She remembered her name? 374 00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:49,516 No. It's just what we're calling her. 375 00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,284 Please, Larry, try to stay focused. 376 00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:52,819 - [sighs] - And if that weren't enough, 377 00:20:52,886 --> 00:20:55,255 there's that strange creature in the afterlife 378 00:20:55,321 --> 00:20:58,625 who not only seemed to know me, but to like me. 379 00:20:58,692 --> 00:21:02,896 But I couldn't get any answers or even a little common courtesy out of Shannon, 380 00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:06,733 so I am left to put the pieces together on my own. 381 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,200 But what does it all mean? 382 00:21:09,903 --> 00:21:12,439 I mean, the two seem unrelated to me. 383 00:21:13,907 --> 00:21:15,842 Ha! Larry... 384 00:21:15,909 --> 00:21:19,346 What if I'm a world-renowned time traveler? 385 00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:22,716 Uh, look, 386 00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:24,617 after all the weird crap we've been through, 387 00:21:24,684 --> 00:21:26,720 I can buy the time traveler piece. 388 00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,755 But where do you get "world-renowned"? 389 00:21:29,220 --> 00:21:33,326 Since I am one of two known time travelers, 390 00:21:33,393 --> 00:21:35,662 one could extrapolate my elevated status. 391 00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:37,364 Or maybe you're trying to find 392 00:21:37,430 --> 00:21:39,999 some specialness inside you that isn't really there. 393 00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:45,638 Now, how could you say that to me? 394 00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:48,508 [Larry sighs] 395 00:21:51,978 --> 00:21:53,713 I'm dying, Rita. 396 00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:58,351 - Again? - Yeah. 397 00:21:58,418 --> 00:21:59,919 What's happening? 398 00:21:59,986 --> 00:22:02,689 I've been puking up blue crap all morning. 399 00:22:02,756 --> 00:22:03,957 Since I don't eat or drink, 400 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:05,492 I don't think that's a good sign. 401 00:22:06,593 --> 00:22:07,994 Oh, Larry. 402 00:22:08,610 --> 00:22:11,364 Yeah, apparently, life without the spirit has its limits. 403 00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:13,433 I think that's why he brought me into space, 404 00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:15,835 so I could see it one last time. 405 00:22:17,570 --> 00:22:18,405 Anyway. 406 00:22:20,974 --> 00:22:24,511 I love you too much to not be honest during my last days. 407 00:22:28,448 --> 00:22:30,717 Now, you see here, Larry Trainor, I... 408 00:22:32,180 --> 00:22:33,553 What's on your bandages? 409 00:22:39,592 --> 00:22:41,270 - [inhaling deeply] - [Larry] Ugh! 410 00:22:41,940 --> 00:22:43,930 What fresh hell is this? Oh! 411 00:22:43,997 --> 00:22:48,635 You know, you... smell delicious. 412 00:22:48,702 --> 00:22:51,671 Do you have ham in your pocket or something? 413 00:22:51,738 --> 00:22:53,907 Um, not that I'm aware of, no. 414 00:22:56,900 --> 00:23:00,380 - [gasps] - Uh... Did, um... Did you just lick me? 415 00:23:03,717 --> 00:23:05,719 Oh, I... I have no idea. 416 00:23:08,788 --> 00:23:09,923 [whirring] 417 00:23:12,492 --> 00:23:14,527 [Shannon reading] 418 00:23:17,731 --> 00:23:19,650 Doesn't ring a bell. 419 00:23:19,866 --> 00:23:22,350 "Woman petting cat." 420 00:23:23,690 --> 00:23:23,903 Well? 421 00:23:29,576 --> 00:23:32,120 [reading] 422 00:23:35,915 --> 00:23:37,417 Not a flicker. 423 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:43,156 [sighs] 424 00:23:44,157 --> 00:23:45,458 [cranking] 425 00:23:47,727 --> 00:23:49,729 [clicking] 426 00:24:03,443 --> 00:24:04,770 [gagging] 427 00:24:10,450 --> 00:24:11,840 [scratching] 428 00:24:23,229 --> 00:24:24,970 [screaming] 429 00:24:25,699 --> 00:24:27,330 Larry! 430 00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:28,735 Rita... [groans] 431 00:24:29,636 --> 00:24:31,204 [grunting] 432 00:25:16,116 --> 00:25:17,830 [gasping] 433 00:25:20,754 --> 00:25:22,880 My body elephant! 434 00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:27,527 [Cliff] I'm telling you, this is that crazy spider lady's puke or something. 435 00:25:27,594 --> 00:25:29,290 It's like a curse! 436 00:25:29,950 --> 00:25:30,196 [sneezing] 437 00:25:30,263 --> 00:25:32,732 Bless you. Oh, my ****! 438 00:25:36,269 --> 00:25:37,270 [groans] 439 00:25:39,773 --> 00:25:40,974 I don't feel so good. 440 00:25:41,410 --> 00:25:42,642 You don't look great either. 441 00:25:43,810 --> 00:25:45,645 Jane? Jane? 442 00:25:47,747 --> 00:25:49,582 [Cliff roars] 443 00:25:57,257 --> 00:25:58,758 Oh! 444 00:26:00,860 --> 00:26:01,795 [grunting] 445 00:26:04,664 --> 00:26:05,899 [bones cracking] 446 00:26:07,901 --> 00:26:09,102 [grunts, neck cracks] 447 00:26:15,642 --> 00:26:17,430 [breathing heavily] 448 00:26:22,182 --> 00:26:23,316 [gasps] 449 00:26:39,733 --> 00:26:40,867 Oh. 450 00:26:43,870 --> 00:26:45,939 [laughing] 451 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,376 Oh. [exhales] Everybody... 452 00:26:50,176 --> 00:26:53,313 Everybody, come, I know who I am! 453 00:26:53,380 --> 00:26:55,181 I'm a bird! 454 00:26:55,248 --> 00:26:57,851 And I can fly... I think. 455 00:27:00,286 --> 00:27:02,655 [all] Brains! 456 00:27:03,323 --> 00:27:04,858 Brains! 457 00:27:06,893 --> 00:27:08,361 [doorbell ringing] 458 00:27:08,628 --> 00:27:11,640 [door opens, closes] 459 00:27:11,131 --> 00:27:12,165 [footsteps approaching] 460 00:27:13,900 --> 00:27:15,135 [all] Brains? 461 00:27:19,239 --> 00:27:21,141 What happened to you morons this time? 462 00:27:21,307 --> 00:27:24,744 [all] Brains. 463 00:27:27,147 --> 00:27:28,982 Are you the one who zombified these tits? 464 00:27:29,490 --> 00:27:32,520 I don't think so. [mumbles] I couldn't swear to it, though. 465 00:27:32,118 --> 00:27:33,153 - Who's she? - [speaking zombie] 466 00:27:33,420 --> 00:27:35,221 She's a time traveler. 467 00:27:35,288 --> 00:27:37,223 She's looking for Niles, but I can't remember why. 468 00:27:37,323 --> 00:27:38,792 Her name is Shannon. 469 00:27:38,858 --> 00:27:40,293 She remembered her name? 470 00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:43,960 No. It's just what we're calling her. 471 00:27:43,229 --> 00:27:46,700 Uh-huh. Okay. Um, could somebody tell me what's going on here? 472 00:27:46,766 --> 00:27:49,169 - 'Cause I'm... - What happened to you lot? 473 00:27:49,369 --> 00:27:52,380 We got killed by some green ***hole's red henchman. 474 00:27:52,238 --> 00:27:54,774 A scary spider lady puked on us in heaven's ***hole, 475 00:27:54,841 --> 00:27:57,277 then two dead kids brought us back to life. 476 00:27:57,344 --> 00:27:59,212 Now we're ****ing zombies. 477 00:27:59,813 --> 00:28:02,480 Can you fix us? 478 00:28:02,820 --> 00:28:05,118 Sure thing. I need an axe, gallon of petrol and a match. 479 00:28:05,285 --> 00:28:08,455 So you can cut off our heads and burn the bodies? 480 00:28:08,688 --> 00:28:10,230 Got it in one, Bubba Ho-tep. 481 00:28:10,957 --> 00:28:11,891 [neck cracks] 482 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:14,461 You look like shit by the way. 483 00:28:14,728 --> 00:28:17,197 Who ruffled your feathers? 484 00:28:17,263 --> 00:28:18,331 [chuckles] 485 00:28:18,932 --> 00:28:21,401 Find me a VCR in this pit, and all will be explained. 486 00:28:23,403 --> 00:28:26,873 [all] Brains. 487 00:28:33,446 --> 00:28:34,781 [man grumbles indistinctly on TV] 488 00:28:36,783 --> 00:28:39,850 Is that Niles Caulder? 489 00:28:39,319 --> 00:28:42,220 More or less. Shorter than you imagined, I bet. 490 00:28:42,188 --> 00:28:43,123 [laughs] 491 00:28:44,724 --> 00:28:45,492 You're funny. 492 00:28:45,959 --> 00:28:47,360 Are you high? 493 00:28:47,761 --> 00:28:51,131 Listen up, freaks. I got your dead leader's head. [laughs] 494 00:28:51,164 --> 00:28:52,465 So the **** what? 495 00:28:53,133 --> 00:28:55,301 If you want it back, you'll come and see me. 496 00:28:55,435 --> 00:29:01,700 But don't keep me waiting or I will make him pay for it! [laughs] 497 00:29:01,841 --> 00:29:03,309 How do you torture a dismembered head? 498 00:29:03,376 --> 00:29:07,847 Who cares? **** Niles and **** Darren Jones. Let him keep it! 499 00:29:07,914 --> 00:29:11,418 [Niles] Don't do it. Don't come here. Save yourselves! 500 00:29:11,484 --> 00:29:14,120 - [Darren] Shut up! - [groans] 501 00:29:16,890 --> 00:29:17,900 I'll see you real soon. 502 00:29:19,959 --> 00:29:22,295 How did G.I. Joke get Chief's head? 503 00:29:22,829 --> 00:29:25,799 And why are you his messenger boy? 504 00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:27,967 I had Niles' head first. 505 00:29:28,340 --> 00:29:29,903 Darren stole it off me. Took my coat too. 506 00:29:30,170 --> 00:29:31,237 You decapitated Chief?! 507 00:29:31,304 --> 00:29:32,472 You're a ****ing monster! 508 00:29:32,539 --> 00:29:34,774 Calm your festering arses down. 509 00:29:34,841 --> 00:29:37,110 Do you know how much arcane mystical knowledge 510 00:29:37,177 --> 00:29:38,978 is swimming around in that man's noodle? 511 00:29:39,450 --> 00:29:41,147 Better I have it than some other crazy bastard. 512 00:29:41,214 --> 00:29:43,149 Oh, right. 513 00:29:43,216 --> 00:29:46,860 So you pilfered it in order to protect it? 514 00:29:46,319 --> 00:29:47,320 That's right. 515 00:29:47,387 --> 00:29:51,358 Not because its inherent magical value would fetch a fine price? 516 00:29:51,424 --> 00:29:52,959 I'm sorry, who the **** are you again? 517 00:29:53,260 --> 00:29:56,229 I'm a bird. And my name is Laura De Mille. 518 00:29:56,296 --> 00:29:59,265 And that head may be the key to unlocking my memory, 519 00:29:59,332 --> 00:30:01,670 so we have to rescue it. 520 00:30:01,368 --> 00:30:02,969 I'm with... whatever her name is. 521 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:04,304 We can't let him torture Chief! 522 00:30:04,371 --> 00:30:08,808 Okay, but Darren clearly wants revenge because we fubared the Bureau of Normalcy. 523 00:30:08,875 --> 00:30:12,345 Do you have a plan or did you just expect us to walk into a trap? 524 00:30:12,812 --> 00:30:14,414 [Kipling] I did have a plan. 525 00:30:14,481 --> 00:30:15,949 A bloody good one. 526 00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:18,985 But as per usual, your dumb****ery 527 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:22,122 jammed a spanner up my ***e and now you're zombies. 528 00:30:22,822 --> 00:30:25,225 Is it too much to ask for you twats 529 00:30:25,291 --> 00:30:27,894 not to **** yourselves up so spectacularly? 530 00:30:27,961 --> 00:30:29,896 Well, I may have an idea there. 531 00:30:30,463 --> 00:30:32,532 We just need to keep this undead brood 532 00:30:32,599 --> 00:30:36,436 from feasting on our brains till we put it into action. 533 00:30:40,730 --> 00:30:41,274 Got it covered, love. 534 00:30:48,214 --> 00:30:51,117 This was in James Dean's car the night he bit it. 535 00:30:51,184 --> 00:30:53,186 It covers the smell of brains. 536 00:30:53,253 --> 00:30:55,455 And the, um... And the hats? 537 00:30:55,522 --> 00:30:58,910 Keep our heads warm. It's cold without my coat. 538 00:30:59,459 --> 00:31:00,427 Yeah. 539 00:31:06,433 --> 00:31:08,680 [all growling] 540 00:31:18,511 --> 00:31:19,512 Come on. 541 00:31:24,170 --> 00:31:25,352 [snarling] 542 00:31:30,223 --> 00:31:32,192 Look, you muppets. Delicious brains. 543 00:31:32,258 --> 00:31:34,227 - Yummy, yummy. - Brains! 544 00:31:34,294 --> 00:31:36,162 [all] Brains! 545 00:31:56,249 --> 00:31:59,850 This place gives me the willies. 546 00:31:59,152 --> 00:32:00,220 For real. 547 00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:04,290 It's like we walked into a horror movie. 548 00:32:04,357 --> 00:32:07,527 Yeah, and we're the monsters. 549 00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:09,429 Look, I don't know you. 550 00:32:09,496 --> 00:32:11,431 And I'm not sure this plan's going to work. 551 00:32:12,365 --> 00:32:14,334 But **** it. Here. 552 00:32:20,273 --> 00:32:22,509 Be very careful with that. 553 00:32:22,575 --> 00:32:24,477 - It's petrified dragon's piss. - Mmm-hmm. 554 00:32:24,544 --> 00:32:27,280 Most people worry about the fire, but it's the piss that'll get you. 555 00:32:27,347 --> 00:32:29,820 Should pop his head like a balloon. 556 00:32:30,160 --> 00:32:31,170 See you on the other side. 557 00:32:38,224 --> 00:32:39,392 This way, Solomons Grundy. 558 00:32:41,327 --> 00:32:43,290 [zombies growling] 559 00:32:54,674 --> 00:33:00,130 Looks like someone doesn't give a shit if there are any trees left for my grandson. 560 00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:01,314 They're all the same. 561 00:33:01,748 --> 00:33:03,450 It's from his wife. 562 00:33:03,516 --> 00:33:06,119 She left him and took the kids. 563 00:33:06,186 --> 00:33:08,988 Didn't he stab her in the eye with a fork? 564 00:33:09,550 --> 00:33:10,357 Repeatedly, yes. 565 00:33:10,490 --> 00:33:12,920 There you are, my beauty. 566 00:33:27,307 --> 00:33:29,476 He kept a serial killer diary. 567 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:32,445 [zombies grunt] 568 00:33:32,512 --> 00:33:36,820 [laughs] I thought I smelled abominations. 569 00:33:36,149 --> 00:33:37,250 Brains? 570 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:38,718 [sniffs] 571 00:33:39,486 --> 00:33:41,721 I'm not getting anything. Somethine's off there. 572 00:33:41,755 --> 00:33:43,723 I'm so glad you sons of *****es are here. 573 00:33:44,457 --> 00:33:46,326 I got one hell of a tale to tell you. 574 00:33:46,393 --> 00:33:48,628 It's about a man who was on top of the world... 575 00:33:48,695 --> 00:33:50,960 [all groan] 576 00:33:51,197 --> 00:33:53,700 He had it all. A career, 577 00:33:53,767 --> 00:33:55,402 a beautiful wife and children, 578 00:33:56,603 --> 00:34:00,730 a home that would make Martha Stewart shit through her mouth with jealousy. 579 00:34:00,740 --> 00:34:02,609 I don't think that's a thing. 580 00:34:02,676 --> 00:34:05,278 I don't think saying "that's not a thing" is a thing anymore. 581 00:34:05,311 --> 00:34:06,579 Shut up, freaks! 582 00:34:06,646 --> 00:34:10,784 You destroyed my life, and God damn it, you will listen to me! 583 00:34:11,510 --> 00:34:12,419 Okay, this is... This is good. 584 00:34:12,485 --> 00:34:15,488 You've a mission and a plan, and... 585 00:34:16,389 --> 00:34:17,791 And you're a bird. 586 00:34:18,580 --> 00:34:19,759 So you've learned so much about yourself already, 587 00:34:19,826 --> 00:34:21,828 you are almost there. 588 00:34:22,950 --> 00:34:27,167 You are going to, uh, fly down there 589 00:34:27,233 --> 00:34:32,205 like you have surely done a thousand times before 590 00:34:32,272 --> 00:34:37,177 and, uh, place this magical, disgusting doodad thing 591 00:34:37,243 --> 00:34:39,679 on that psychopath's head. 592 00:34:41,281 --> 00:34:43,850 Okay. [breathes deeply] 593 00:34:48,121 --> 00:34:49,556 Transform! 594 00:34:53,727 --> 00:34:56,696 You probably haven't thought twice about your little visit to the Ant Farm, 595 00:34:56,763 --> 00:35:00,767 but it has haunted me every second of every day since. 596 00:35:00,834 --> 00:35:06,706 Do you have any idea what it's like to be attacked by hundreds of butts, 597 00:35:06,773 --> 00:35:09,175 who tear into every inch of your flesh, 598 00:35:09,576 --> 00:35:12,245 and then later, at dinner, 599 00:35:13,346 --> 00:35:14,314 at church, 600 00:35:16,483 --> 00:35:18,184 at my daughter's softball game, 601 00:35:19,686 --> 00:35:21,121 something happens. 602 00:35:24,224 --> 00:35:26,393 And then your wife tells you she can't stand you, 603 00:35:27,127 --> 00:35:28,495 that you're not even a man anymore. 604 00:35:29,195 --> 00:35:31,831 Quit yapping and show us the head! 605 00:35:32,298 --> 00:35:34,801 - I'm sorry, what? - She wants to see the head. 606 00:35:35,735 --> 00:35:36,670 [Darren]{\an8}Oh. 607 00:35:38,238 --> 00:35:39,305 [laughs] 608 00:35:42,409 --> 00:35:45,879 [all gasp] 609 00:35:46,146 --> 00:35:48,882 [Niles] My God, what's happened to you? 610 00:35:49,149 --> 00:35:50,583 They're zombies, you berk. 611 00:35:51,418 --> 00:35:53,620 Transform! 612 00:35:53,687 --> 00:35:56,356 Trans... Damn you! Damn it. Trans... 613 00:36:00,694 --> 00:36:01,661 The ****? 614 00:36:02,896 --> 00:36:04,264 **** me, it's a dud. 615 00:36:04,731 --> 00:36:06,900 I'm confused. I thought she was a bird. 616 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:09,836 I am gonna kill you all so ****ing hard! 617 00:36:09,903 --> 00:36:11,805 **** off hard. You were gonna try that anyway. 618 00:36:12,238 --> 00:36:13,606 **** this! 619 00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:16,476 Let's tear this ***hole a new ***hole! 620 00:36:16,543 --> 00:36:19,579 Also... I never swore like this when I wasn't a zombie. 621 00:36:20,447 --> 00:36:22,382 You know, usually when I tell that story 622 00:36:22,449 --> 00:36:24,751 right when I come to the "something happens" part, 623 00:36:25,218 --> 00:36:27,587 somebody usually asks me what made my wife leave. 624 00:36:31,591 --> 00:36:32,892 [grunting] 625 00:36:34,527 --> 00:36:36,696 [yells] Come on! 626 00:36:36,763 --> 00:36:39,432 Eh, **** it. What happened? 627 00:36:40,400 --> 00:36:41,634 I'm so glad you asked. 628 00:36:44,404 --> 00:36:46,473 [groans, bones crack] 629 00:36:46,539 --> 00:36:47,941 [screaming] 630 00:36:57,717 --> 00:36:59,352 Is he turning into a...? 631 00:36:59,619 --> 00:37:03,560 -A motherfudging Were-butt? 632 00:37:03,890 --> 00:37:06,292 Good shitting Christ, we're all the way through the looking glass now. 633 00:37:06,359 --> 00:37:07,761 [Darren grunts] 634 00:37:08,628 --> 00:37:11,798 [howling] 635 00:37:14,968 --> 00:37:17,237 I'm guessing that's not a good sound. 636 00:37:17,270 --> 00:37:18,271 [rumbling] 637 00:37:19,720 --> 00:37:20,400 Shit! 638 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:28,314 [punk music playing] 639 00:37:28,381 --> 00:37:29,849 {\an8}♪ Oh, yeah! ♪ 640 00:37:31,510 --> 00:37:31,985 {\an8}♪ Yeah! ♪ 641 00:37:33,953 --> 00:37:38,792 {\an8}♪ Yeah, there's some stuff That I really wanna do ♪ 642 00:37:38,858 --> 00:37:42,729 {\an8}♪ Yeah, bad*** people I wanna show you ♪ 643 00:37:44,664 --> 00:37:48,334 {\an8}♪ Oh, wait for it Here it comes ♪ 644 00:37:49,690 --> 00:37:51,771 How do we stop them? 645 00:37:52,906 --> 00:37:54,841 Just eat! 646 00:37:57,377 --> 00:38:00,246 Ignore the butts. Ignore the, um... The zombies. 647 00:38:01,281 --> 00:38:03,149 Hey, yeah. 648 00:38:03,216 --> 00:38:05,819 You're here for the head. The head. And you will get the head. 649 00:38:05,885 --> 00:38:08,540 There is no failure, only death. 650 00:38:08,121 --> 00:38:12,726 And you will not die today, sister! 651 00:38:13,727 --> 00:38:15,950 **** you, ***hole! 652 00:38:18,310 --> 00:38:18,998 ****! 653 00:38:25,500 --> 00:38:26,439 My god! It's horrible! 654 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,420 [chain saw buzzing] 655 00:38:29,109 --> 00:38:30,910 [punk music continues playing] 656 00:39:06,446 --> 00:39:07,914 Don't worry, Tweety. 657 00:39:07,981 --> 00:39:09,749 You'll get your seven minutes in heaven. 658 00:39:16,256 --> 00:39:18,391 [zombies sniffing] 659 00:39:18,458 --> 00:39:20,193 [all] Brains! 660 00:39:20,260 --> 00:39:21,227 - Oops. - Leg it. 661 00:39:24,130 --> 00:39:25,765 [all groaning] 662 00:39:28,802 --> 00:39:32,439 [babbles nervously] ...them? 663 00:39:32,505 --> 00:39:33,973 - **** 'em. - What? 664 00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:36,509 [Niles] Wait, I can save them. 665 00:39:36,776 --> 00:39:38,778 You bleeding heart bastard. 666 00:39:38,845 --> 00:39:41,470 Now's as good a time as any to cut the cord. 667 00:39:41,114 --> 00:39:43,160 [Niles] Like you did with my daughter? 668 00:39:43,830 --> 00:39:43,983 Oh. 669 00:39:45,752 --> 00:39:47,854 Damn, you sentimental fool. 670 00:39:50,790 --> 00:39:54,361 All right, Walt Disney, what's the plan? 671 00:39:54,427 --> 00:39:58,365 [Niles] Years ago, I discovered that zombies crave human brains 672 00:39:58,431 --> 00:40:01,835 because the brain produces a rare chemical 673 00:40:01,901 --> 00:40:05,500 that can actually cure the affliction. 674 00:40:05,710 --> 00:40:07,941 Unfortunately, the truth was bastardized by filmmakers 675 00:40:08,800 --> 00:40:11,770 who believed it made for better cinema. 676 00:40:11,144 --> 00:40:13,980 Thanks for the history lesson, but my head guy in Paris 677 00:40:14,470 --> 00:40:17,183 isn't taking my calls at the moment, so I have no idea on-- 678 00:40:18,785 --> 00:40:19,552 [sighs] 679 00:40:20,553 --> 00:40:21,921 Huh. 680 00:40:23,230 --> 00:40:26,493 You want me to feed you to that pack of morons? 681 00:40:28,294 --> 00:40:29,562 They're my family. 682 00:40:30,864 --> 00:40:32,432 It's all I have left to give them. 683 00:40:35,201 --> 00:40:38,171 Fine. Thing of it is... 684 00:40:41,875 --> 00:40:44,100 I don't think I can. 685 00:40:44,770 --> 00:40:48,982 Um, well, that's okay, I'll... I'll take care of him. 686 00:41:01,127 --> 00:41:03,163 We've had some times, haven't we? 687 00:41:03,229 --> 00:41:05,131 The best of them. 688 00:41:05,198 --> 00:41:07,367 So long, you bearded twat. 689 00:41:07,434 --> 00:41:08,568 Hope they choke on you. 690 00:41:09,569 --> 00:41:10,904 Goodbye, Willoughby. 691 00:41:16,376 --> 00:41:18,111 Baphomet really does love you. 692 00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:22,480 Stop trying to smother her. 693 00:41:23,249 --> 00:41:24,217 [chuckles] 694 00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:35,995 Mr. Caulder, 695 00:41:36,620 --> 00:41:42,502 I am so sorry to ask anything of you at a time like this, 696 00:41:42,569 --> 00:41:45,105 but I am in some need. 697 00:41:45,171 --> 00:41:47,974 I know my name is Laura De Mille, 698 00:41:48,410 --> 00:41:51,411 and that I am associated with the Sisterhood of Dada 699 00:41:51,478 --> 00:41:55,415 and that I am a bird and an ottoman. 700 00:41:56,349 --> 00:42:00,353 The only other thing that I am aware of is that I need to find you, 701 00:42:00,420 --> 00:42:02,922 but I have no idea why. 702 00:42:02,989 --> 00:42:05,425 Do you know me? {\an8}-I know you. 703 00:42:06,192 --> 00:42:08,928 All too well, I'm afraid. 704 00:42:08,995 --> 00:42:10,530 Oh, I see. 705 00:42:10,597 --> 00:42:13,266 Well, I gather we weren't on friendly terms, then? 706 00:42:14,167 --> 00:42:15,902 Can you tell me why? 707 00:42:15,969 --> 00:42:17,637 {\an8}-No. - No? 708 00:42:17,904 --> 00:42:19,439 You heard me. 709 00:42:19,506 --> 00:42:21,341 Yes, I... I heard you. 710 00:42:22,676 --> 00:42:25,412 But why? {\an8}-I'll make you a deal. 711 00:42:25,478 --> 00:42:29,149 I have documents with information about you. 712 00:42:29,215 --> 00:42:32,850 Give me your word that after you feed my head to my people, 713 00:42:32,152 --> 00:42:34,521 you'll stay the hell away from them, 714 00:42:34,587 --> 00:42:37,991 and I'll tell you where the documents are. 715 00:42:38,580 --> 00:42:41,161 Though I must be out of my mind to trust you. 716 00:42:43,229 --> 00:42:45,650 Mmm-hmm. 717 00:42:45,632 --> 00:42:49,369 You know, I do not understand why you have so much venom for me. 718 00:42:50,537 --> 00:42:51,938 I'm not a bad person. 719 00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:54,407 Am I? 720 00:42:56,509 --> 00:42:58,311 I don't feel like I'm a bad person. 721 00:42:59,279 --> 00:43:04,184 Surely that's not the kind of thing that can be erased with one's memory. 722 00:43:04,250 --> 00:43:09,122 Deeds have a way of leaving indelible marks on the soul. 723 00:43:09,189 --> 00:43:10,990 Do you agree or not? 724 00:43:11,558 --> 00:43:12,659 [shudders] 725 00:43:16,290 --> 00:43:17,300 Uh... 726 00:43:18,498 --> 00:43:19,532 [zombies groan] 727 00:43:25,572 --> 00:43:27,700 [sniffing] 728 00:43:30,243 --> 00:43:32,412 [all] Brains! 729 00:43:37,283 --> 00:43:38,318 [zombies snarling] 730 00:43:50,230 --> 00:43:51,264 Oh, Jane. 731 00:43:52,332 --> 00:43:54,634 My dear, dear Jane. 732 00:44:01,508 --> 00:44:04,144 There's so much I need to say to you... 733 00:44:05,545 --> 00:44:06,446 [grunts] 734 00:44:14,287 --> 00:44:15,388 [sniffs] 735 00:44:17,190 --> 00:44:20,160 Your brains smell so ****ing good! 736 00:44:22,562 --> 00:44:26,990 It's okay. I love you, Jane. 737 00:44:26,166 --> 00:44:27,734 I want you to eat me. 738 00:44:30,770 --> 00:44:32,272 [TV playing indistinctly] 739 00:44:38,478 --> 00:44:43,516 [Cliff] So, are we, like, cannibals now? 740 00:44:43,583 --> 00:44:45,318 - [Jane shushes] Shut the **** up. - [Vic] Don't. 741 00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:51,524 Technically, since 99.99999% of my body is metal, 742 00:44:51,591 --> 00:44:54,794 I'd have to eat a Buick Skylark to be a cannibal. 743 00:44:54,861 --> 00:44:56,262 - [Vic] Come on, man. - [Rita] Stop saying that word. 744 00:44:56,329 --> 00:44:57,464 [Larry] Please stop talking. 745 00:45:01,634 --> 00:45:02,969 [Cliff] Will someone at least tell me what it tasted like? 746 00:45:03,236 --> 00:45:03,837 [Larry] Enough already. 747 00:45:03,903 --> 00:45:07,273 I will stomp your brain like a jelly-filled balloon. 748 00:45:09,542 --> 00:45:10,777 I will say this. 749 00:45:10,844 --> 00:45:13,613 The one upside to being a zombie was 750 00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:16,549 the only thing I worried about was finding brains. 751 00:45:18,752 --> 00:45:21,888 It was sort of, I don't know, peaceful. 752 00:45:23,656 --> 00:45:24,824 Anyone feel like that? 753 00:45:27,761 --> 00:45:29,562 Okay, just throwing it out there. 754 00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:35,335 [Laura sighs] 755 00:45:35,402 --> 00:45:38,405 {\an8}"Laura De Mille is a disloyal 756 00:45:38,471 --> 00:45:41,908 and self-serving cancer to be excised. 757 00:45:43,877 --> 00:45:46,579 It is my strong recommendation 758 00:45:49,616 --> 00:45:51,718 that she be terminated immediately." 759 00:46:36,620 --> 00:46:37,330 [chuckles] 760 00:46:42,502 --> 00:46:44,471 "Eat me." [laughs] 761 00:46:48,908 --> 00:46:50,100 "Eat me!" 762 00:47:06,920 --> 00:47:07,427 What's this? 763 00:47:07,494 --> 00:47:08,962 Online pharmacy? 764 00:47:10,997 --> 00:47:12,799 No prescription necessary. 765 00:47:13,633 --> 00:47:14,734 **** yeah! 766 00:47:15,435 --> 00:47:16,503 [chimes] 767 00:47:28,415 --> 00:47:29,482 What the hell? 768 00:47:42,796 --> 00:47:44,970 My God! 769 00:47:46,990 --> 00:47:47,634 [gags] 770 00:47:53,707 --> 00:47:54,674 God! 771 00:47:56,509 --> 00:47:57,477 [sighs] 772 00:47:59,479 --> 00:48:00,547 Oh, shit. 773 00:48:01,548 --> 00:48:02,549 [sighs] 774 00:48:34,114 --> 00:48:36,416 So, what happened with Niles? 775 00:48:36,483 --> 00:48:39,850 Did he give you the answers you were looking for? 776 00:48:39,152 --> 00:48:42,155 Will you be leaving us soon? 777 00:48:44,491 --> 00:48:46,260 Ugh, now see here, you. 778 00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:47,727 You are a guest in our home. 779 00:48:47,794 --> 00:48:50,964 And though you did help save our bacon... 780 00:48:51,310 --> 00:48:54,701 [sighs] it doesn't give you the right to ignore my questions. 781 00:48:54,768 --> 00:48:57,437 We know each other. I am certain of it and... 782 00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:01,740 [sobs] 783 00:49:03,777 --> 00:49:05,512 Perhaps this isn't a good time. 784 00:49:09,449 --> 00:49:12,919 Oh. I just made some oatmeal cookies. 785 00:49:14,220 --> 00:49:15,488 Would you like one? 786 00:49:17,891 --> 00:49:18,992 That would be nice. 787 00:49:20,894 --> 00:49:21,861 Thank you. 788 00:49:28,134 --> 00:49:29,135 [sighs] 789 00:49:41,140 --> 00:49:42,150 [gasps] 790 00:50:28,561 --> 00:50:30,764 [zombie] Brains!